tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post1241728016903583977..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Who's the First Mom? Why is 'Adoptive Mother' such an offensive term? It's truth, it's reality.Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88232552077395785812020-01-14T04:38:09.264-05:002020-01-14T04:38:09.264-05:00Whirling Dervish, we first mothers do walk on eggs...Whirling Dervish, we first mothers do walk on eggshells when we reconnect with our lost babies who have become adults. When you speak of a hang-up call, I can understand it's like pouring acid on a wound that never heals. Please do not think there is something wrong with YOU. It seems there are some things that cannot be "fixed" even when our hearts are in the right place. I know you need much strength to deal with this rejection. Adoption hurts!Pauline Trumpi Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05899456402686660532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-89090736715716016592020-01-14T04:22:37.135-05:002020-01-14T04:22:37.135-05:00"....remove all emotional traces of my daught... "....remove all emotional traces of my daughter, at this point I'd probably volunteer to undergo the surgery...that would remove her from my memory." Gretchen, I am so sorry! Your comment struck a chord in me. I said the very same thing a couple years after losing my baby to adoption. The pain was so great that I expressed the hope that science could someday surgically remove the painful memories surrounding the loss. The therapist reminded me that such an advance would not occur in our lifetime. It is heartbreaking, Gretchen, that you have lost your daughter not once, but twice. I know there is no cure for this heartbreak, but I wish you strength!Pauline Trumpi Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05899456402686660532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44202153026033941782020-01-14T04:00:29.802-05:002020-01-14T04:00:29.802-05:00To Tiffany and Cami:
You are a light in the darkne...To Tiffany and Cami:<br />You are a light in the darkness.<br />Pauline Trumpi Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05899456402686660532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-477124381056581452019-04-28T17:40:06.534-04:002019-04-28T17:40:06.534-04:00Adoptive mom here. I refer to my children's fi...Adoptive mom here. I refer to my children's first mothers as the mothers. I am also their mother. They have 2 mothers. When I speak to others about adoption I refer to adoptive parents as adoptive parents and first parents as parents. Why should they be the ones with a qualifying adjective?Camihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07588493962397195870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29233842392321499942019-02-15T03:38:17.690-05:002019-02-15T03:38:17.690-05:00I hope Panda receives the counselling she needs. A...I hope Panda receives the counselling she needs. As for the rocking, he's probably autistic.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08692390478492894893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62796019705904634992019-02-11T19:30:01.561-05:002019-02-11T19:30:01.561-05:00and keep in mind adoptive parents, we adoptees did...and keep in mind adoptive parents, we adoptees did not ask you to adopt us. You FORCED yourself on us at a young age and basically manipulated us to call you mommy. If our mothers were present from the get go, we never would have given you the time of day, we would have been with our moms. yosemitehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00013672978685436594noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85413720363040743742019-02-06T17:43:07.540-05:002019-02-06T17:43:07.540-05:00Adoptive Mom here. I guess that says it.
I can’t ...Adoptive Mom here. I guess that says it.<br />I can’t agree with Tiffany more. <br />Titles are labels we give ourselves and others within society. They are descriptive and additive. Adoptive is what you make it. <br />Incubator though, is a profound put down of the child as well as the mother. Fathers are not just sperm donors either. She has some serious problems and is harming the young man. <br />Momengineerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13514941159359989906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71524157603987992772019-02-05T14:25:09.497-05:002019-02-05T14:25:09.497-05:00"Who among you adoptive parents have dared to..."Who among you adoptive parents have dared to tiptoe into this murky water?"<br /><br />It's a really great point. I think a lot of people, and adoptive parents are no special exception, struggle with true empathy. We are witnessing it in our political environment right now- there is so much "me, me, me" and very little ability to view the situation other less fortunate people may be experiencing and have compassion upon them and offer a helping hand. <br /><br />I know when I talk about our daughter's parents, I get a lot of surprised feedback from other people. They struggle with the idea that I welcome them into our lives, and all they can usually come up with is "You are such a good person!" Which is SOOOO frustrating to me! I feel like there is a lack of understanding around real love and what children are to a parent- my daughter is not my personal possession, and I would no more consider I have any right to keep her from her parents of birth than I do to prevent her from getting an education. It doesn't make me a "good person." These are basic human rights. <br /><br />To the original commenter who is the subject of this blog post: <br /><br />I'm ok with the title "adoptive parent," but I reserve the right to my daughter to make her determinations of her relationship titles (which may change with her age or feelings or whatever). I'm not fussed if other people refer to me that way. My daughter has been brought up to call us mama and daddy, but I have often referred to her other parents the same way, and also by their first names, and she chooses to use first names right now. Totally up to her. Why do titles matter so much to you? If you love your child, why isn't that enough? And why the insistence that love has to have differing values placed on it, or the self-induced competition with the woman who gave her birth? WHY DO YOU CARE SO DAMN MUCH? A child should never, and is never meant to, fill such an empty void inside of you. That's dangerous and very unfair to a child (adopted or otherwise). They should fill your heart to overflowing with the love you feel for them, but you seem to be placing an undue need upon an innocent child to create you into something you long to be- the "only mom." Why must you be an "only?" What threatens you about sharing such a simply thing as a title?<br /><br />Finally, there are no guarantees as a parent. Once a child is grown, they have no further real need of you nor any true obligation. You would do well to remember that we do need to be worthy of our children's love for us, and when they are young, they give it rather unconditionally. But that does not last forever, and if you want to keep your son in your life and have him be open and loving and honest with you, you might want to consider if you are being the type of mom worthy of that relationship. You may find yourself very lonely someday as the "only mom."<br />Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84186608611995334772019-02-04T22:21:16.279-05:002019-02-04T22:21:16.279-05:00Every January 29th, when my estranged daughter, Jo...Every January 29th, when my estranged daughter, Joanna, gives me a hang-up call, I am painfully reminded that my daughter is certain of the woman that gave her birth, regardless of any self or other defined term used for the person that brings a baby into the world. <br /> And to those adoptive mothers that demonize and persecute mothers privately and publicly with mean-spirited and relentless attempts to reduce a birth mother, a fellow human being to a status of non human from the moment of her baby's conception, the nine long months of pregnancy and painful delivery, I worry for the child she purchased, perhaps, from desperation in order to create the illusion of passing on her DNA in anothers offspring. <br />Flashing that same old card, "I was the one who spent the sleepless nights with this sick child, I was the one who worried, etc., etc., I can only say, Is that all you've got? A person less desperate than yourself with some insight and compassion toward another human, might have stopped to ask some questions from the beginning regarding the mother's circumstances and the wildly insane notion that she would prefer to give her baby away to a stranger. <br />Who among you adoptive parents have dared to tiptoe into this murky water? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40836473922504221612019-02-03T16:35:32.204-05:002019-02-03T16:35:32.204-05:00Thanks for the compliment, Gretchen. I am sadden b...Thanks for the compliment, Gretchen. I am sadden by your daughter's behavior. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57445014355387252552019-02-03T15:44:52.336-05:002019-02-03T15:44:52.336-05:00Anon, I am so sorry to read your comment. The stor...Anon, I am so sorry to read your comment. The stories of mothers who lost their children to foster care or adoption even though they could have raised their child safely with a little help are just tragic. <br /><br />You may be interested in the work of the National Coalition for Child Protection Reform, nccpr.org. It advocates reforming child welfare laws and practices to preserve families and reduce unnecessary foster care and adoptions.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74064187433964979662019-02-03T13:48:15.954-05:002019-02-03T13:48:15.954-05:00This article, speaks well of First Mothers. My sto...This article, speaks well of First Mothers. My story is a bit different my son was stolen by the state. I don't find much, that talks about this. I wasn't abusive or struggling with addiction. I was battling a mental illness. I did everything, asked of me. Still didn't get him back. A wound that never heals, my other children were hurt by this, too. I am too afraid to attempt finding my lost baby.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38320660272927135132019-02-03T13:28:12.952-05:002019-02-03T13:28:12.952-05:00Jane, thank you for addressing this never ending i...Jane, thank you for addressing this never ending issue. While I unequivocally recognize that I am not the mother who put in the hours of raising my daughter, it's impossible not to silence the emotional heartstrings triggered on her birthday, our reunion anniversary, and other milestones I have not acknowledged for 15 years since my daughter severed our rocky relationship for good. If science could duplicate fiction like Lois Lawry's The Giver and Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale, i.e., remove all emotional traces of my daughter, at this point I'd probably volunteer to undergo the surgery or take the potion that would remove her from my memory.Gretchenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18192643286153380436noreply@blogger.com