tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post1380192863056236646..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Why I'm not celebrating "Birth Mother's Day"Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82538738708934615572011-11-13T13:13:21.470-05:002011-11-13T13:13:21.470-05:00Great idea about the letter, but I'm addressin...Great idea about the letter, but I'm addressing mine to the person who is supporting the bill for open records for adoptees after age 24. That's the gift I'm giving myself for Thanksgiving. Closed adoption also took my life. I am still trying to repair the damage to my children who I had later on when I was married. They endured growing up in a home with a depressed Mother. Finding my daughter 3 years ago has been no picnic. Right now none of my 3 girls speak to me at all. To say I regret my decision is beyond simple. I pray my children can overcome the damage. BTW, I just came clean with my adopted daughter, my oldest about the fact that someone changed her DOB on her 2nd birth certificate. Due to the circumstances, the adoptive parents were aware this was done, and kept up the lie for 39 years.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66874112103139121842011-08-30T00:13:40.710-04:002011-08-30T00:13:40.710-04:00Thankyou so much. A homemade gift like cookies wou...Thankyou so much. A homemade gift like cookies would be difficult right now because I am away at college...I have already done things like a scrapbook but I think that was really hard on her. This relationship is a lot different then I imagined. For some reason I just thought she would be so excited to know me and that we would just pick up where we left off 21 years ago. Can someone help me understand what she may be thinking so I can feel ok with this whole rejection thing all over again.monker1123https://www.blogger.com/profile/07788873025920930435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78388853684332523592011-08-29T15:17:56.551-04:002011-08-29T15:17:56.551-04:00monker123,
I doubt very much that your mother is ...monker123,<br /><br />I doubt very much that your mother is glad to done with you. My guess is that she is stressed when she is around you because you is afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. She's "walking on eggshells."<br /><br />She's cut back the communication to avoid the stress. It would be great if she could find a support group or a counselor to discuss her feelings with.<br /><br />Sending her a card celebrating your first meeting would be fine. Include a cheery but not overly sentimental message. I wouldn't do a gift unless it's something you made like cookies. A gift may make her feel uncomfortable that you spent money on her.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34018029430894556682011-08-29T15:05:01.046-04:002011-08-29T15:05:01.046-04:00I have a question for ya all. You don't have t...I have a question for ya all. You don't have to publish it or anything I just want some advice. I was put up for adoption the day after I was born andthe foster parents whose home I went to adopted me a year later. I love my mom and dad and have learned to live with the circumstance and everythintat has happened. I wrote my birth mom a letter last year Sept 7, 2010 is when she text me back. The whole adoption thing for her was a rough experience but she married a good.man and continue on with her life as normal. When she got my letter she was a little frightened to meet me but her husband talked her into it and I met them 4 days later Sept 11 2010. The year has been really good, her husband loves me and her kids love me and I feel comfortable with them but whenever I get around her I feel really nervous and stuff. Well anyways about a month ago I asked her if she was uncomfortable about the relationship becauseher mom doesn't know that she met me and she is afraid of her finding out. And she said that this whole adoption thing has never been about her and that nobody ever does what she wants and I said I do want it to be about you and whatever you want and she said that she wanted to pretty much end the relationship and hat she is not ready and is too busy for me but an occassional text would be fine. I said ok I will be here when you come back. I haven't text her since. Would it be inappropriate to send her a card and gift celebrating the first time we met or is she just thinking that she is glad to be done with me.monker1123https://www.blogger.com/profile/07788873025920930435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27717673472953018792011-05-11T22:25:41.861-04:002011-05-11T22:25:41.861-04:00Heather and Tyler wrote: "It is selfish to th...Heather and Tyler wrote: "It is selfish to think you are the only ones who have felt pain or betrayal or loss." <br /><br />???? I am reading back through comments and I'm not seeing anyone who posted that THEY - as first mothers - are the only ones who've suffered betrayal or loss. <br /><br />As to remarks left on Lance and Julie's site. With all due respect, Lance and Julie's blog is a PUBLIC blog. And when you run a public blog you can expect to have detractors - for whatever reason. <br /><br />So if a person is looking for like-minded individuals to share their news and beliefs, then they should save themselves the grief and take their blog to a more private venue. But as long as anyone's blog anywhere is open to all? Well then, comments - however unwelcome they may be - are part and parcel with doing business on the web. <br /><br />A lot of people seem to forget that blogs are basically Op-Ed pieces. They garner opinion, good bad and in between. <br /><br /><br />As to first mother's not speaking here because it might offend others? All I can say to that is that adoption represents a grievous loss for many first parents. Whether that sits well with anyone else is their problem. We've been silent long enough.Jane Karrnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91935283433982471332011-05-10T22:09:51.561-04:002011-05-10T22:09:51.561-04:00Jill, Last year a seven year old boy in Portland O...Jill, Last year a seven year old boy in Portland OR disappeared. His stepmother was in front of the media all the time talking about she raised him and referring to the boy's mother as his birth mother. The media referred to the mother as birth mother as well. A few weeks letter, it turned out that the stepmother is the prime suspect in the disappearance. Now the media refers to the mother as "mother."<br /><br />Every time I see a news article where a mother whose child has not been adopted is referred to as birth mother, I email the reporter. Usually they apologize and say they are following a style manual.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87524410065596304912011-05-10T20:40:06.582-04:002011-05-10T20:40:06.582-04:00Did you ever read step mothering blogs and forums ...Did you ever read step mothering blogs and forums where woman go to post about their problems with their husband's ex wife?<br /><br />Stepmothers in high conflict relationships with the mothers of their husbands children often refer to their husbands ex wife as "the birthmother" and often "BM" which in the nursing profession is an abbreviation for bowel movement.<br /><br />http://www.steptalk.org/<br /><br />Here's one post--<br />"If BM dumps SS10 and SS8 on her parents for 95% EOW visitations and almost every extended visit *summer, spring break etc.* can this be used against her in court to reduce her visitation time."<br /><br />You can see from the thousands of posts on that forum where "Birthmother" and "BM" for short is cleary being used as a deragotory term by angry stepmothers who are in bitter conflicts with their step childrens mother.<br /><br />The stepmothers post viscious insults about their "BMs". Stuff about their looks, weight, education, income etc...<br />They also scheme with the other step mothers on ways to minimize the mother's time and involvement in her childrens lives.<br /><br />The word "birthmother" is an insult.Jillnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31984199589226830712011-05-10T18:46:27.541-04:002011-05-10T18:46:27.541-04:00"It makes me sick that women are treating eac..."It makes me sick that women are treating each other in this way..."<br /><br />So it makes you SICK, does it Heather? <br /><br />Yeah, it makes me SICK that some women think they are so much more entitled to another woman's flesh and blood than she is. <br /><br />It makes me SICK to see how your friends have exploited that young woman who is so brainwashed by adoption propaganda, that she sprouts off her happy-dappy rainbows and sunshine rhetoric that they so need to hear to validate their experience; to keep THEM happy. We know what will happen if she doesn't, now don't we?! They will cut her out of the picture so fast her head will be spinning. <br /><br />It makes me SICK to hear and read so much GOD's Will crap in separating a mother from her child, most often needlessly. There is no god whom allows one to gain at the expense and suffering of another. If there is he is one hateful, mean, cold hearted, selfish supernatural being (much like a few adopters I unfortunately know).<br /> <br />Wasn't it your friend who berated and dehumanized Lorraine on their blog, calling her "sad" because we don't worship adoption and of course the adoption industries paying customers? Sure it was...A few people struck back and it is such a travesty??? They can dish it out but can't take it? Awww... poor things. <br /><br />Guess what, Heather, most of us are done being dictated to how we are supposed to feel about the horrific fact that we lost our children to adoption. <br /><br />I, for one, will never again allow myself to be dehumanized, degraded, demonized, silenced told that my experience and how I feel about it does not matter; because there are just "SOOOO many positive adoption stories out there". BS. Your friends and others like them can't stand the fact that we are speaking the truth about adoption because it makes them uncomfortable. GOOD. I can't tell you how gratifying that is. The truth hurts, now doesn't it?<br /><br />Adoption is woman's inhumanity to another woman, and guess what Heather; IT MAKES ME SICK. <br /><br />Now excuse me why I go vomit (and it won't be rainbows and sunshine adoption Kool-aid either, you can be rest assured of that.)PhoenixRisinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07655924058370540037noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56238250079917919492011-05-10T14:03:29.627-04:002011-05-10T14:03:29.627-04:00Dear Heather & Tyler:
Many if not most of the...Dear Heather & Tyler:<br /><br />Many if not most of the people who post comments here have been scarred one way or another by their adoption experience. Jane and I have our own opinions about adoption, and how it is sometimes a necessary option, and you indicate you have read that at our sidebar, <a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/p/what-we-think-about-adoption.html" rel="nofollow">What We Think About Adoption</a>. Some of our readers are much more radical on this subject than we are, and you seem to have conflated their opinions with ours. <br /><br />We also do not believe, cannot believe, that giving up a child is not a singular negative experience that continues throughout a lifetime, not only for the birth mother, but also for the child who is adopted and thus raised with people who are usually genetic strangers. <br /><br />Certainly we cannot control the comments at another blog, and we do like to keep this one open to everyone. To the adoptee, to the "birth" mother who does not forget, adoption is always painful; it always hurts.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37303468316539866352011-05-10T01:15:21.558-04:002011-05-10T01:15:21.558-04:00I have never seen such a hypocritical site. The co...I have never seen such a hypocritical site. The comments many of you left on Lance and Julie's blog as well as those left here completely contradict the post I just read about what you claim to think about adoption. It makes me sick that women are treating eachother in this way. Everyone has their own trials. It is selfish to think you are the only ones who have felt pain or betrayal or loss. Please think about that before you bash another person just because they have different views or have experienced different trials.Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11990563717931426078noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5481125121429256162011-05-09T21:33:07.954-04:002011-05-09T21:33:07.954-04:00I am glad you hate Utah. We only want nice people ...I am glad you hate Utah. We only want nice people to live here anyway. Hope you find the "happiness within" some day. Good luck to you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31229737914792723272011-05-09T18:59:29.535-04:002011-05-09T18:59:29.535-04:00Maryanne wrote: "I was really disgusted to re...Maryanne wrote: "I was really disgusted to read that some mothers would not sign the AAC birthmother petition only because it uses the word "birthmother". Who are they hurting, and who are they helping?"<br /><br />I agree with this. It wasn't that long ago that I thought birthmother was the preferred term. I had heard of CUB and had read many books about adoption which used the term. I knew that biological mother was offensive as<br />it implies a breeding machine or someone who is simply a conduit to create a child for someone else.<br /><br />I am still sometimes referred to as an adopted child. I just tell the person that the preferred term is adoptee or adopted person but I don't get all bent out of shape about it.<br /><br />It is good to educate but not to hurt our cause over less significant issues.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14644226192811308622011-05-09T18:03:04.204-04:002011-05-09T18:03:04.204-04:00Brenda wrote:"Lorraine, I actually know Mary ...Brenda wrote:"Lorraine, I actually know Mary Jean Marsh who lost her daughter to adoption and is one of the founders of Birth Mothers Day."<br /><br />Thanks for setting the record straight, Brenda. I met Mary Jean as well at an AAC years ago, and participated in a very touching Birthmother's Day ceremony workshop. As you say, it was more to memorialize our loss and celebrate our survival and motherhood despite that loss than to celebrate the fact that we had surrendered. Like the word "birthmother", it did not begin as an agency plot or an alternative to Mother's Day, but an addition to that week, especially for those mothers who never had another child and were never acknowledged at all as mothers. The ceremonies I attended were planned and led entirely by mothers who had surrendered a child. They were solemn and a source of solidarity, not insult.<br /><br />Just because both the word and the day have been co-opted by some adoption promoters, does not make either in and of itself evil or insulting. Perhaps both the word and the ceremony are ideas whose time has passed, but at the time they were proposed they were good and honorable and do not deserve to be demonized by people who don't know the real history. If you don't like the day, don't celebrate it. Don't like the word, don't use it. There are many alternatives now. <br /><br />I was really disgusted to read that some mothers would not sign the AAC birthmother petition only because it uses the word "birthmother". Who are they hurting, and who are they helping?maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5327479626652285602011-05-09T15:47:48.611-04:002011-05-09T15:47:48.611-04:00Anon, Thanks for writing.
I'm pleased that FM...Anon, Thanks for writing. <br />I'm pleased that FMF has given you another perspective on adoption. It is not the win/win/win proposition proponents claim. There is much pain for mothers and children, even in much touted open adoptions.<br /><br />Regarding your question, "is it not the mother who makes the decision not to parent?" Signing a surrender paper is not the same as making an informed decision to give away one's child. Vulnerable women can be strongly influenced by adoption promotions conducted by religious authorities, advertised on the internet, and pitched on TV and in movies."Do what's best for your child; adoption the loving decision, etc." <br /><br />When women seek information about adoption, they turn to adoption practitioners who often give them misleading information and fail to tell them about services which would help them nurture their infants. <br /><br />State laws are tiltled to adoption. Mothers can sign irrevocable surrender documents within a day of giving birth. The sidebar has a link to a summary of the state laws. <br /><br />We at FMF believe that adoption is necessary in some circumstances. The sidebar has a link to position on adoption.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30068358478501597162011-05-09T15:28:07.000-04:002011-05-09T15:28:07.000-04:00There have been times when I have considered adopt...There have been times when I have considered adopting a child, many things have made it a reacquiring thought in my mind (none of which are because I can't have my own). Recently I felt a stronger pull to make adopting a child a reality. So I began to do more research to learn about adoption. I came across this site, and I have now decided to never ever adopt a child and to scrub the idea out of my mind. I now feel like I have received an honest look from the "other" side of adoption and frankly I want no part in it. After visiting this site, adoption looks like babies are being stolen from there mothers by needy pathetic women. That the no one (especially the child) is happy ever again by this horrible unnatural act. There is so much rage coming from the mothers on this site that I just cant see throwing myself into that drama. I wish all people would have to come through this site before adopting. To know how people really feel about adoption. Before reading this site, I thought that there were women out there who for whatever reason decided they didn't want to parent their child. Then someone comes into the picture who wants to parent a child and an adoption takes place. But now I'm confused. Question, Is it not the mother or at least someone she keeps close to her that is the first to think of putting her child up for adoption. Is it not the mother who makes the decision not to parent her child? I care not the reason why she comes to this conclusion, I only want to know if it is the mother who is in charge, no matter how twisted her arm maybe, short of a gun to her head. I want to know, who is initiating the process. Who is forcing mothers to give up their babies and how are they doing it? And please the word force has a definition and lets make sure the answer provided will fit it. <br /> I honestly hope that the government ends all adoptions and no matter what, anyone who brings a child into the world will be legally responsible to parent that child. Then all you birthmothers will have no one to blame for your issues other then your self.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38046892905337212952011-05-09T07:41:56.627-04:002011-05-09T07:41:56.627-04:00Lorraine, I actually know Mary Jean Marsh who lost...Lorraine, I actually know Mary Jean Marsh who lost her daughter to adoption and is one of the founders of Birth Mothers Day. She was part of an independent support group that held the first few. It was not meant as a "celebration" but more of a commemoration. There was no "Happy" Birth mother's day cards, etc. She, and the others in her group felt they needed to honor themselves since no one else was doing it and have a place to share the heartache this week-end so often brings. <br /><br />Like the term "birthmother" it has over the years been twisted by the adoption industry and adoptive parents for it's own use, but it did not start out that way. There are still some events out there run by birthmoms only... some who use it to express their loss.<br /><br />If you are interested, here is how I see it and why I go to these things. <br /><br />http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/html/honor___remembrance.html<br /><br />For me it is cleansing, so that I can go into Mother's Day without all my baggage waiting to crash down upon my head. It lets me fully enjoy all my kids on that day, Matt included.<br /><br />I do not like what it has morphed into either, and to me it is not a replacement. But it gives me a place to really feel all the crappy stuff among others who have been there, and really, for that I am grateful.Brenda Romanchiknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6838627371479198052011-05-08T22:33:41.621-04:002011-05-08T22:33:41.621-04:00wow...
some of you took time out of your lives to...wow...<br /><br />some of you took time out of your lives to run on over to lance and julie's blog to leave rude anonymous comments?<br /><br />you couldn't even leave your names? <br /><br />i'm disappointed in people in general. so adoption was an awful experience for many of you. that doesn't mean it's awful for everyone. i'm adopted, and i'm proud. i am also an adoptive mother, who has a very open relationship with our son's birth mother (sorry if that is offensive to some). <br /><br />it works for us. if it doesn't work for you, that's fine, but it seems awful for anyone to attack someone for their life, decisions, etc.kennahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03706789932352969204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4317551958431626572011-05-08T20:15:17.570-04:002011-05-08T20:15:17.570-04:00I'm just relieved the annual fracas is almost ...I'm just relieved the annual fracas is almost over.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40407691442577867842011-05-08T18:13:43.372-04:002011-05-08T18:13:43.372-04:00Sorry, anon, the day I meant you could ignore was ...Sorry, anon, the day I meant you could ignore was Birthmother's Day which was the subject of this essay. I've gone to some Birthmother's Day events in the past which were nice, did not make me feel belittled or ignored or like a baby machine, but I do not consider it a real holiday either.I do not celebrate that I gave up my son, but that I gave birth to him and have a connection with him now. <br /><br />Nor do we ignore Mother's Day in my family. I got phone calls and emails from the far away kids I raised, and my husband took me out to a great Indian restaurant for lunch. My mother has passed away, but I did think of her and got flowers to plant in her memory. I always gave my mother and the aunt who was like another mother to me something when they were alive.<br /><br />I did not hear from my surrendered son today nor did I expect to. But for me, reunion made a huge difference. If it did not for you, I am sorry, but me talking about my situation is in no way meant to rub salt in your wounds or anyone else's. I thought I was permanently rejected for almost 20 years, so I certainly know how awful that feels. We all deal with things differently.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62323958350062992282011-05-08T17:40:13.570-04:002011-05-08T17:40:13.570-04:00Lorraine,
I just checked at Lance and Julie's...Lorraine,<br /><br />I just checked at Lance and Julie's blog and my not so happy, dappy adoptee comment is still there. I agree with Stephanie that that blog has become too much for me to stomach especially on Mother's Day.<br /><br />Although I do agree with Lance and Julie in one respect. I feel incredibly sad for you, too, albeit for a different reason. My heart aches for you because you were forced to give up your daughter who you so much wanted to keep.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88855708907413984452011-05-08T17:01:56.500-04:002011-05-08T17:01:56.500-04:00The name of that website you guys mentioned? The o...The name of that website you guys mentioned? The one that "feels sad" for Lorraine? Ugh! Cutsie name. Sounds like an ice cream shop for the adoption machine. Wonder what flavor they serve there? Rainbow Sherbert Doo-Doo perhaps? Or maybe it's "Just-The-Right-Shade-of-Vanilla". Either way, their product makes me sick!Jane Karrnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72381531798723974742011-05-08T16:58:54.915-04:002011-05-08T16:58:54.915-04:00I think Lance and Julie have had a few more visito...I think Lance and Julie have had a few more visitors from several different states now ....hoidipAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-43556120537309529002011-05-08T16:57:55.106-04:002011-05-08T16:57:55.106-04:00To all who do go to Lance and Julie's blog--if...To all who do go to Lance and Julie's blog--if you leave a negative comment, as did at least one of our readers-- it's taken down.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56554093679346754252011-05-08T16:39:55.818-04:002011-05-08T16:39:55.818-04:00Maryanne:
So happy for you that you can just igno...Maryanne:<br /><br />So happy for you that you can just ignore the day--well, dear, some of us cannot and your advice just to ignore is like a slap in the face. Because we are not as cool as you. <br /><br />When I was walking around today a man who I did not know smiled and said, Happy Mother's Day. I just smiled back but I thought, Brother if you knew the truth you'd be surprised. <br /><br /> Of course he didn't mean anything except to be friendly, and I took it in that spirit. "You have a good day too," I said.<br /><br />I celebrated Mother's Day with presents for my mother, and my dad and I made dinner, and so that is what I remember, and what I'm so aware of missing, having given up my daughter. Reunion did not change things in the least. <br /><br />Maybe if the holiday was never noted in your house you can have this attitude, but many of us can't be so casual, and your comment just rubbed salt into the wound.Viktorianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55183723720863953182011-05-08T15:06:15.692-04:002011-05-08T15:06:15.692-04:00I feel incredibly 'SAD' for the adopter yo...I feel incredibly 'SAD' for the adopter you mentioned, Lorraine and the mother who lost her child to them... <br /><br />I couldn't stomach that blog for too long. It literally makes me want to vomit. UGH...PhoenixRisinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07655924058370540037noreply@blogger.com