tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post176700930852524669..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: The post-Easter reminiscence: Everybody's Got Something Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88957257303377675932014-04-26T03:45:47.485-04:002014-04-26T03:45:47.485-04:00Tiffany: I would love it if you could find the st...Tiffany: I would love it if you could find the story you mentioned in your post. Thanks!<br /><br />Baptismal cert....I didn't have one of those , either. I wrote to the church and received a hand-written copy of whatever they must have on file in the church records. Obviously my AP's were not big on keeping good records, and saving any documents that might be important!<br /><br />Doctor who delivered me? Who knows? So far there is no name anywhere on any document that I do have.<br />But the point is this. Why should I have to go through all of this? Non-adopted people have their paperwork. I have to jump through hoops. I could probably get a passport for my dog easier than I could for myself at this point. And THAT is what infuriates me. Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39506479892103550652014-04-25T17:30:56.152-04:002014-04-25T17:30:56.152-04:00Katie said, "Julia, you may have been given b...Katie said, "Julia, you may have been given bad advice. There definitely is a way to use a delayed birth certificate to get a passport. I hope you are able to get that all sorted out!"<br /><br />I have also had adoptee friends struggle with obtaining passports when their amended BC reflects a different year than their chronological birth year.<br /><br />We were told to ensure we completed our adoption within the same calendar year to avoid such issues. Our adoption took 11 months to finalize, and thankfully, it was within the calendar year.<br /><br />My understanding is that to obtain the passport when the BC is not acceptable, other items need to be obtained and provided, such as a baptism certificate, a certified letter from the doctor who delivered the person, a non-relative who will swear to the correctness of the birth information (I believe it might actually be two people... may be wrong on my recollection of this one and no time to google right now). All of these things are difficult if not impossible for an adoptee to provide.<br /><br />I know I just recently read a story of someone's challenges with this, and even her birth mother (they were in reunion) could not provide any evidence that was acceptable to the agency. Perhaps it was on the Lost Daughter's Blog... maybe Declassified Adoptee...?? I will try to find it later if I can.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20520848390838018962014-04-25T16:30:46.162-04:002014-04-25T16:30:46.162-04:00Katie, thank you for taking time to share your sto...Katie, thank you for taking time to share your story. As a first mother who lost her child in the BSE, I would be ecstatic to find that my child was happy and content with life. I surrendered because I hoped that my child would have a wonderful and better life than I could offer. As it turned out, I became a wonderful mom to my raised child and I would have been a wonderful mom to my surrendered child had i not been duped; While I deeply regret my loss, ultimately the most important piece is the life of the adopted child/adult. Your situation sounds ideal for you and that is truly great. Rosenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19563615070458566952014-04-25T14:08:25.640-04:002014-04-25T14:08:25.640-04:00Julia, you may have been given bad advice. There d...Julia, you may have been given bad advice. There definitely is a way to use a delayed birth certificate to get a passport. I hope you are able to get that all sorted out!Katienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13782220144463626272014-04-25T03:44:57.286-04:002014-04-25T03:44:57.286-04:00Katie: Now that I mailed away for one, I have th...Katie: Now that I mailed away for one, I have the same BC as you do. My AP's are listed as my true parents, and, of course the original is sealed. The trouble is when the document was issued. It has a filing date of over 3 years after I was born. No longer legally acceptable for passports, etc. No one thought of that when they changed the laws after 9/11. <br /><br />So, I have a "birth certificate". It is useless to me for any legal purposes. <br /><br />And it is basically a lie. If I falsified a legal document, I would be arrested. But here I am with my fake birth certificate, and I am supposed to be OK with that?<br /><br />Closed adoption is a mess. And it should be done away with entirely. It has ruined too many lives.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-77824689891528697732014-04-24T21:47:47.524-04:002014-04-24T21:47:47.524-04:00Julia,
Yes, I do have a birth certificate. My ori...Julia, <br />Yes, I do have a birth certificate. My original birth certificate is sealed and a legal replacement was issued. It lists my adoptive parents as my mother and father. It's a certified copy and I had no trouble getting a passport. That's how things were done in Michigan back then (I'm 41). It sounds like the laws in NY were much more restrictive and harmful. <br /><br />I know a couple other adoptees well and their experiences were like mine. If I were to go by just my and my friends' stories, adoption would seem to be an excellent option. I really do appreciate you sharing your stories. It brings balance to the complicated issue of adoption.Katienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25253164705161596282014-04-24T15:08:03.640-04:002014-04-24T15:08:03.640-04:00Lorraine this was a beautiful, life-affirming post...Lorraine this was a beautiful, life-affirming post. Thank you for sharing the uplifting moments (and the food, the pictures - wish I was at your table!). This post is one for me to print out and read during moments when I ache for Nina. Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31879885439107594352014-04-24T03:28:19.259-04:002014-04-24T03:28:19.259-04:00Hi Katie: Your post was interesting to read. It i...Hi Katie: Your post was interesting to read. It illustrates exactly why adoptees like myself feel the way we do.<br /><br />You state that your adoptive parents are honest and supportive. They were/are willing to help you search, if need be.<br /><br />You state that you have a lot of information about both your parents. You describe yourself as "whole".<br /><br />Many adoptees, like myself, have none of what you have. My A-parents are not supportive in any way. They are secretive, and dismissive. They feel very threatened. If you have been reading my posts, you will already know that my adoptive mother's way to handle things is to tell me to "change the subject".<br /><br />I am sure you must have decent legal documents. Many adoptees don't. I will not be able to get a passport unless I approach my parents and ask if they have any other paperwork from when I was born. They may have been hiding it, or they may have nothing. Adoption was a HUGE secret in my day.<br /><br />I didn't know my birthday until just about a week ago when I received a copy of my AMENDED BC in the mail. I never even had the false document regarding my birth, let alone the original, truthful one.<br /><br />Your birth sibling wants search and connection. You have had honesty and truth, and you don't need that. <br /><br />I need it, but probably can't have it because of the toxic situation I am in regarding my secretive, threatened adoptive parents. <br /><br />When my adoption was finalized I was basically a prize that my AP's won, so to speak. And their thinking has never changed. Between their approach, and the sealed records in NY, I am a perpetual child. And many adoptees are in the same situation. there is no way I can ever feel whole.<br /><br />Situations like yours are few and far between. I envy you.<br /><br />Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6102847094655046202014-04-23T22:12:05.609-04:002014-04-23T22:12:05.609-04:00I stumbled on your blog while reading through news...I stumbled on your blog while reading through news stories and have spent nearly an hour reading through posts and comments.<br /><br />I was adopted shortly after birth. It was a closed adoption, yet my parents always were honest and supportive. I didn't have a "found out" moment; I just always knew. And they offered repeatedly to help me search.<br /><br />I never did want to search. I don't feel that I am not whole. I am a content, healthy person.<br /><br />Recently I was contacted by a birth sibling through an intermediary. The sibling, based on the letter I received, has a much different perspective. In that perspective, wholeness can be achieved only by reuniting with biological family.<br /><br />I feel badly about his pain, especially since our biological mother denied his request to meet and he seems to so deeply need it. He also expects me to fill a void his adoptive siblings cannot.<br /><br />I'm sharing this because I have read much pain and anxiety on this site. I also have read a lot of "always" and "everyone" and accusations of coersion, fraud, and abductions. Those happen. But not to everyone.<br /><br />I have quite a bit of information about my both parents and their situations. I have zero doubt that my upbringing and my family were very good for me. I cannot undo their decision to relinquish me, nor would I want to. I cannot alleviate their guilt, or any other feeling they might have. That's a huge expectation to lay on a stranger.<br /><br />I do hope that anyone who worries or thinks about me could find some relief knowing I'm doing well and am happy. If someone is thinking about me at the holidays, I hope it's with respect for my life choices and well wishes.Katienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66867533351790022732014-04-23T15:53:18.928-04:002014-04-23T15:53:18.928-04:00Beautiful post Lorraine and thank you for the pics...Beautiful post Lorraine and thank you for the pics - I felt right there at dinner with you! Much love.Daisyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01417272868972096826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61018055272549836592014-04-22T21:25:38.579-04:002014-04-22T21:25:38.579-04:00Thanks for bringing attention to Robin Roberts'...Thanks for bringing attention to Robin Roberts' book. I wasn't aware of it, but I definitely want to read it. I agree we "all have something". I don't think anyone gets through this life without some kind of heartbreak. This was a beautiful post.Michellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12234040729993255132014-04-22T03:32:36.888-04:002014-04-22T03:32:36.888-04:00Beautiful post, Lorraine. It certainly was a beaut...Beautiful post, Lorraine. It certainly was a beautiful day on Long Island this year.<br /><br />As Barbara Thavis commented...I am the daughter lost to another family. During my childhood, Easter basically began a week earlier, on Palm Sunday. This was a day of a big meal and relatives coming out of the woodwork! Then came all the preparations for Easter, until finally we would sit down, usually in our crowded apartment with a million people, to another huge meal. Lasagne, lamb, potatoes, sometimes meatballs and pork spareribs in sauce, cannoli and other pastries, along with bread that we made during Holy Week with Easter eggs baked into it. My God!<br /><br />I always felt disconnected from the whole thing.<br /><br />I don't like huge crowds of people. I didn't like the elder relatives speaking Italian when they were saying things they didn't want us kids to know. I don't look or feel Italian in any way.<br /><br />Fast forward to today, and I still have to have some kind of Easter, mostly for my AP's. The crowd is smaller, but we have to do something or my parents will never get over it. This falls to me, because A-mom can no longer host these things.<br /><br />I wish my heart was in it. I basically go through the motions. It is one more thing that I do and have been doing for the other people in my life, not for myself.<br /><br />The next one will be Mother's Day, which is second only to my birthday in making me feel depressed.<br /><br />I hope I didn't ruin anyone's Easter with this outpouring of feelings! But this is a good place to share how we feel about these holidays, and other such events. <br /><br />It is very difficult feeling disconnected like this! No one thought of this years ago, when they took away my history.<br /><br />Thanks for listening!Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20112155256908575172014-04-21T23:09:28.706-04:002014-04-21T23:09:28.706-04:00I think the weather was glorious around the countr...I think the weather was glorious around the country on Easter. We sure had a beautiful day in Chicago.<br />Your message today offers a lot of hope for the newly found mother. Those first few years of holidays wee pretty hellish. I could never be far away from the despair of having lost my daughter to another family. All those years of her being gone I was okay somehow. I just blocked it all out, just knew that I had done "the right thing" and was confident that she had her Disney family and I blocked all (at least most of the time) the pain out.<br />After reunion none of the lies worked anymmore. I realized that I was hoodwinked into "giving my daughter away". The grief was unbearable at times. I felt like I couldn't breathe and was going ca-ra-ze. I don't know what came first, me stabalizing or us getting into a groove of a healthy relationship. <br />Yesterday I had my siblings over for Easter lunch. One of the sisters died in March so it was bittersweet. But when you lose one maybe you appreciate the ones left all the more and everyone couldn't have been kinder to one another. It was a fun loving party. Afterwards while cleaning up I felt a twinge of sadness for not hearing from my daughter. And then I did the good self talk of "She may gone up to the mountains where there isn't cell coverage" or "you know how busy life gets, don't think twice". And low and behold not five minutes later I got a beautiful picture of my granddaughter texted with a wish for a Happy Easter. I LOVED the picture, but I also loved the energy field that we obviously enhabit together. And I like the fact that I had a glorious day regarless of getting attention from my firstborn. I love her and she loves me. Pretty lucky after leaving her at the hospital to fend for herself.Barbara Thavishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13646036820037271522noreply@blogger.com