tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post2194008322060165354..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Do birth mothers/first mothers have the right to search?Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90568629546999631132014-07-26T13:37:09.577-04:002014-07-26T13:37:09.577-04:00Beverlee, the chances of her being able to come ba...Beverlee, the chances of her being able to come back depend on the circumstances. If your daughter's adoption was handled through your state's child welfare office, you should contact them about her returning to your home. Otherwise, I'd suggest you contact an attorney. Here's a website that will give your information about legal resources in your state. www.findlegalhelp.org.<br />Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59712075394942885602014-07-26T08:46:01.143-04:002014-07-26T08:46:01.143-04:00my daughter was adopted st the aged of 7 she as r...my daughter was adopted st the aged of 7 she as recently contacted me, nearly 15 now, she wants to come home and has adopted mothers permission, but she wants it to go though the proper channels, what are the chances off her being able to come back, as she as got so excited, and don't want her to feel let down.<br />beverley whittonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28035325282421681872014-01-26T17:21:12.113-05:002014-01-26T17:21:12.113-05:00COMMENTS CLOSED.
PLEASE EMAIL US AT forumfirstmot...<b>COMMENTS CLOSED.<br /><br />PLEASE EMAIL US AT forumfirstmother@gmail.com </b><br /><br />and read the latest post, and leave your comment there, if you want to ask more readers. We do our best to respond but we are only two people with other lives.<br /><br />Thank you for your understanding.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51487027416210745382014-01-26T17:18:34.981-05:002014-01-26T17:18:34.981-05:00Please email me at forumfirstmother@gamil.com
Com...Please email me at forumfirstmother@gamil.com<br /><br />Comments at old sites are rarely looked at by anyone. If you start reading a lot of the posts you will find a lot of information. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73405465621388921612014-01-26T17:04:41.179-05:002014-01-26T17:04:41.179-05:00I just founf this site,and I am a birth mother to ...I just founf this site,and I am a birth mother to a chid do not know if it was boy or girl closed adopation.I am 60years old and would like to find my birth child,my child would be 43 now.Ido not have money to look for my child if I just knew my child was healthly and happy before I died.Robin Wellsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81447025108393227172011-02-10T11:44:34.873-05:002011-02-10T11:44:34.873-05:00H.R. wrote:"I feel that searching for my daug...H.R. wrote:"I feel that searching for my daughter was a Need. Plain and simple."<br /><br />Yes, that is how I felt as well. I did not even consider the question of rights. I was given the opportunity to find my child, and I took it. In retrospect, for me, not so much for him, although I did worry about him of course. Some of the worry was alleviated by seeing he was alive and seemed well.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7629907768362149922011-02-09T22:38:26.494-05:002011-02-09T22:38:26.494-05:00I know for me, I had sought help with searching fo...I know for me, I had sought help with searching for my daughter, and many people said that they couldn't / wouldn't help because she was a minor. But, luckily, (or unluckily as the case may be) I found people who knew how to research and found her. Coincidently, I was on the right track, but information on the internet was actually being removed (such as certain states' marriage certificates). But, it was too much for me to look, because it overwhelmed me emotionally. But, I did find her. Rejected by her kidnappers, but found her nonetheless. <br /><br />In terms of the question, I must say, that whether it is a Right, I can't answer, as I have no faith in laws. My right, according to the UN, would have been to parent my daughter, but no one providing "services" to me, let me do that. I feel that searching for my daughter was a Need. Plain and simple.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57649228846523121032011-02-08T20:36:58.709-05:002011-02-08T20:36:58.709-05:00Joy, the subjects of adoptee access to their OBC a...Joy, the subjects of adoptee access to their OBC and the right of mothers to search do seem to me to be related topics. I wonder why you question this?<br /><br />This is curious as your Adoptee Rights Demonstration group just partnered with SMAAC to endorse birthparent access to amended birth certificates as part of your agenda for "equal access", so this makes the connection especially germane.<br /><br />http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/?p=970maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42501793517493553942011-02-08T18:46:07.378-05:002011-02-08T18:46:07.378-05:00Joy said, "I am not clear on . . . how OBC...Joy said, "I am not clear on . . . how OBC's got lobbed into the conversation."<br /><br />How? Here:<br />"He was a Brit, well educated, and England had already opened its records to all adopted adults." Etc.<br /><br />HaighaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7189140686051457572011-02-08T18:06:12.356-05:002011-02-08T18:06:12.356-05:00Well said anonymous, I too, understood you perfect...Well said anonymous, I too, understood you perfectly Robin. I am not clear on the difficulty or how OBC's got lobbed into the conversation.<br /><br />Up with OBC's! yay! but yes, back to the topic at hand, excellent post Lorraine. Good on you for phrasing it in a way that reaches out to the broader community.joyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15658928829424953809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62922645409442466192011-02-07T22:40:22.711-05:002011-02-07T22:40:22.711-05:00@ Robin - "I meant that if an individual wan...@ Robin - "I meant that if an individual wants a reunion, then she has to get off her duff and do the searching."<br /><br />I hope that isn't intended to imply that a mother who doesn't "get off her duff" is not interested in reunion.<br /><br />"Rather than insisting that it is the other person's responsibility to search."<br /><br />I don't think anyone did. <br />Unless you mean that comment someone else made about "breeders"<br /><br />@ Anonymous - "I thought this thread was about searching and who feels he or she can or can't. Or the "love" value invested in originating a search or being found"<br /><br />I thought it was about whether first mothers had the "right" to search, not about "feelings". <br />However, you may be right insofar as it seems to be as much, if not more, about of the "love value" that is apparently implicit in searching. And about passing judgment on those who, for whatever reason, didn't or don't. <br />I believe there are many, many mothers who would search (or would have searched), if they thought they had even a 1/2 way reasonable chance of success. <br />Some mothers are more fortunate in that respect than others, having access to reform and support groups, as well as practical advantages to help them in their search. <br /><br />On a personal level, I can say with confidence that if adoption records had not been first opened up to adoptees in the UK in '75, I and my son's father would not have been able to find him. <br />It was absolutely fundamental to the reconnection.<br /><br />HaighaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45804938164978209232011-02-07T00:51:05.498-05:002011-02-07T00:51:05.498-05:00"I meant that if an individual wants a reunio..."I meant that if an individual wants a reunion, then she has to get off her duff and do the searching. Rather than insisting that it is the other person's responsibility to search."<br /><br />Robin, that's how I interpreted what you said. I never thought you were suggesting that search was obligatory.<br /><br />There is so much totally useless finger-pointing about who should do what: it's the adoptee's job, it's the first mother's job, etc. As you said, Robin, if a person feels driven to search, he or she should. End of story, as long as the person being sought is treated with respect.<br /><br />And yes, adoptee access to his or her OBC is the thing we should all unite behind, but throwing that into the mix of this discussion is off topic, IMO.<br /><br />I thought this thread was about searching and who feels he or she can or can't. Or the "love" value invested in originating a search or being found.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17574966156357851952011-02-06T21:40:37.837-05:002011-02-06T21:40:37.837-05:00Speaking for myself, I had to search. I felt as th...Speaking for myself, I had to search. I felt as though my child had been taken from me and I needed to find her. I'm sure this isn't the case for everyone and each situation is different. So ultimately I guess one must follow his or her heart and be prepared to live with the consequences.<br /><br />GailAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23847571534269582282011-02-06T20:40:31.478-05:002011-02-06T20:40:31.478-05:00@Haigha,
I think you misinterpreted what I wrote....@Haigha,<br /><br />I think you misinterpreted what I wrote. I was not implying that it is mandatory that anyone search. I meant that if an individual wants a reunion, then she has to get off her duff and do the searching. Rather than insisting that it is the other person's responsibility to search.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45112516209309107342011-02-06T18:16:40.733-05:002011-02-06T18:16:40.733-05:00Agreeing with Haiga, the adoptee's right to th...Agreeing with Haiga, the adoptee's right to their own OBC is NOT a right to search, although search sometimes follows. Adoptees should have full legal rights just like the rest of us citizens to their own correct birth document. What they do with is it nobody else's business.<br /><br />Also. nobody HAS to search, but they should not be prevented or vetoed should they choose to do so. Reunion is about delicate human relationships, to be worked out by the parties involved, and the state and law should have no part in it. <br /><br />It is not illegal to search or contact anyone, except in those places that have passed "deformer" laws criminalizing some contacts which were never forbidden under law before. That is why laws with contact vetoes are so bad, they set an awful legal precedent as well as shutting out the adoptees whose mothers veto them.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90124762952412607742011-02-06T14:38:25.746-05:002011-02-06T14:38:25.746-05:00"Well, someone has to search."
No they d..."Well, someone has to search."<br />No they don't. There is no absolute obligation. Nobody can make them search, but they have the 'right' to do so if they want. <br />Equally, no-one has the 'right' to prevent them.<br /><br />I do think that what gets lost in discussions about search and reunion is that it is the prerogative of an adopted adult to have access to their OBC and information, in the same way as any other citizen.<br />That is of central importance because it is a right of a different order. It is a civil and human one. <br />The other kind of right is the right to be able to seek for and connect with whomsoever you please, and not to have it presumed that by doing so you intend them harm.<br /><br />Conflating the two kinds of rights serves no good purpose. JMO.<br /><br />HaighaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73395633654514873972011-02-05T17:46:41.291-05:002011-02-05T17:46:41.291-05:00Well, someone has to search. It would certainly be...Well, someone has to search. It would certainly be a rotten shame if adoptees sit around thinking "if my first mother really loved me then she would look for me" and first mothers sit around thinking "I don't have the "right" to interfere in my relinquished child's life". Let's not be at cross-purposes her and miss the chance to reunite. <br /><br />Maybe we all need to do what our hearts are telling us to do. And we deserve support for that choice.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24370747979362509612011-02-05T17:34:58.589-05:002011-02-05T17:34:58.589-05:00I would also add yes, of course they have the righ...I would also add yes, of course they have the right to search. There's no reason, legal or moral IMO why not. <br /><br />I believe some first mothers have been searching ever since closed adoptions were invented, regardless of whatever "rules" governments and social workers have laid down for them. Often with success too, depending on a number of variables such as the amount of information they had to start with.<br /> But if they find when their child is still young or even in their teens I think they have a extra special obligation to proceed sensitively.<br /><br />I don't think mothers who don't/didn't search are necessarily less desperate. They may simply have less to work with, not have a support group to encourage them, or be in a situation that makes it more difficult to search. They may even simply be old and not clued in to the social changes that have taken place since they relinquished. <br /><br />HaighaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84247547825032532412011-02-05T17:26:07.056-05:002011-02-05T17:26:07.056-05:00Yes, Lorraine, I know Julie's story (the son l...Yes, Lorraine, I know Julie's story (the son left in boarding school and given back at 12) and a few like it, that were part of my motivation in contacting a 16 year old. But there were so many more young adoptees whe were ok or in situations where the adoptive parents would not allow contact, and were themselves not ready for contact. I wish I had thought more rationally about that. Some early contacts worked, some were vital, some made things worse for the adoptee. Mine was the latter. Everyone has to make their own choice and live with the consequences, good or bad,maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45697485277529988802011-02-05T16:52:13.161-05:002011-02-05T16:52:13.161-05:00If I had heard your words 20 years ago, I may have...If I had heard your words 20 years ago, I may have had the courage to search for my son. I felt that if he wanted to find me, that was fine, but I was not going to disrupt his life. Thank heaven he did find me!Glorynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-79154761297057223712011-02-05T14:59:59.389-05:002011-02-05T14:59:59.389-05:00Right, Maryanne, no one is noble or ignoble in thi...Right, Maryanne, no one is noble or ignoble in this effort---it is a matter of searching because we were bleeding without knowing where our children were. I frame the discussion as a matter of rights, because that is what I hear from birth moms and adoptees...that is what they Google. I just wanted to answer those first mothers who feel they have no "right" to search for their adopted children. <br /><br />As for waiting until a person is 18, that is a purely individual choice. I did not find my daughter, at 15.5 years, one day too soon. Years earlier in fact would have been better for her, and her adoptive parents. <br /><br />And some kids end up languishing in boarding schools because one parent has died, the other remarried, and the new spouse doesn't want to raise a child that isn't the other's biological child, and the adoptive parent goes along. Answer: Boarding school and sleep-away summer camp. It happens. Waiting until that child is 18 only increases the damage.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66308999522237364872011-02-05T14:05:29.033-05:002011-02-05T14:05:29.033-05:00JMHO,
The advantage to waiting until the child is...JMHO,<br /><br />The advantage to waiting until the child is 18 is that s/he is now an adult and can have a relationship without interference from the APs.I would also suspect that an adult to adult reunion would have a greater chance of success. If the child is a minor, then once again all the parents are making the decisions that so profoundly affect the adoptee without the adoptee being in control. Also, I think that many adoptees have an insecure attachment to their APs and that the presence of the original parents could make this even more difficult. As for IA, I definitely think that the child should be exposed to his/her culture as much as possible. Though the example of the Indian girl who found out she had full siblings who were kept must be devastating.<br /><br />If a fmother feels she has no information to go on, she can at least do some "passive" searching such as registering with the ISRR. Joining a search/support group can also give her ideas on how to at least put her name out there and make herself findable. Also, you may have more information than you realize and a search angel can help you piece it all together.<br /><br />d28bob wrote:<br />" Nothing tells us more that we were loved than that you searched for us!<br /><br />I couldn't agree more :-)<br /> <br />"So yes, please search. While there are some adoptees who will be rejecting (ugh) most of us want to be found, too.<br /><br />@Denise (comment on the last article),<br /><br />Thank you for reminding adoptees just how much shame and fear first mothers have. I'm afraid we sometimes forget or don't fully understand.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56122450256478287402011-02-05T13:52:52.345-05:002011-02-05T13:52:52.345-05:00I do not see it as a matter of rights, everyone an...I do not see it as a matter of rights, everyone and no-one have the "right" to search, or rather, both mothers and adoptees search, whether they have that right or not. That is not the question.<br /><br />Some search, some do not. It is a deeply personal choice, from both sides. To adoptees like D28Bob, mothers searching do not necessarily care more than mothers who wait to be found. Many of us who searched, and especially those like me who searched for young adoptees, did so out of our own needs as much as concern for the child. <br /><br />I do not see myself as more noble or loving than mothers I know who were found but did not search, just more desperate at an earlier age. My son did not want to be found or to search. He was not pining for me, and it did nothing for him at the time, me showing up when he was too young. <br /><br />Mothers who surrendered should search if they feel the need, but they should be aware not all adoptees are eager to be found any more than all birth mothers are. There are good reasons to search, and for some, good reasons not to. There is no "right" to search, it is a choice that should be made with clear vision and careful considerations of the pros and cons.<br /><br />I am glad I found my son. I wish I had waited many more years to make contact. I cannot advise others to do as I have done, as I regret so much of it. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have the relationship with my son that I have now, in spite of all the mistakes.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27458138323110533422011-02-05T11:54:42.582-05:002011-02-05T11:54:42.582-05:00Yes, I believe original mothers (my new term of pr...Yes, I believe original mothers (my new term of preference) have every right to search for our children. We surrendered our right to be their parent - nothing else.Carolchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12983135296851385826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30656211343333745272011-02-05T11:54:29.378-05:002011-02-05T11:54:29.378-05:00ADDED TO THE BLOG THIS MORNING: Yes, I totally thi...ADDED TO THE BLOG THIS MORNING: Yes, I totally think that adoptive parents who entered into closed adoptions, whether at home or abroad, should search, and search while the trail is still "hot." What a gift this could be to your young child. <br /><br />When they are older, it is trickier. Then whether or not you are involved should depend on them. Some adoptees may want you to search for their birth parents; some will prefer to do it on their own. The important thing is to let them grow up feeling that they have that right, and that by doing so they are not putting a knife in your heart, or in any way feel guilty for searching. <br /><br />Too often adoptees wait until their adoptive parents have died, and then...it is too late, because so have the birth parents.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.com