tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post2780997459258221889..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: The promise of 'openness' lures vulnerable mothers-to-be Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9290577200327915832018-07-19T02:16:19.385-04:002018-07-19T02:16:19.385-04:00I wish my son's adoptive parents could care ab...I wish my son's adoptive parents could care about me in this way... or even treat me with the dignity that a stranger on the street deserves... yet I seem to be below even that. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14704474085713985560noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20302098645551256062017-11-08T07:05:23.749-05:002017-11-08T07:05:23.749-05:00Open adoption can aggravate and trigger the grief....Open adoption can aggravate and trigger the grief. it is a very tough situation to go through. Grief is already heightened in a mother, to see her child and be in a powerless situation to change it and to witness her own child calling someone else mother etc can and does humiliate and traumatise the mother further. A mother who has entered adoption without actually knowing what it will be like (and no person who has not been through it does know what to expect or what it will be like) is someone making a decision based on heresay and the (often dubios) "expertise" of their "counsellor" who may or may not withold informaiton on the risks, trauma, ptsd and consequences of relinquishment. Therefore you are expecting a mother, going through life transforming experience of pregnancy and motherhood. to make a decision, while under the stresses of her situation and the vulnerablity of pregnancy and all that means cognitively, to make a life long decision for herself and her child about a situation she has never been in and with people she does not realy know and who are strangers. And then a consent is expected of her in the most hormonally chaotic and vulnerable time of her life, in a short time period, with the invasiveness of a stranger party and their needs (which are oftern promoted over her own needs) , and experected in a very uneven and unfamiliar legal playing field, to make a largely uninformed decision, often in the absence of her own born and often with the deliberate interference and intervention and intrusion of the PAP. (Really who made up this process and time frame. Not mothers wishing to protect themselves andth eir babies thats for sure). And she does become a mother, but, because of a life crisis she is now then is a mother without her child. So for her to have agreed to an open adoption may have been done in a very naive idea of adoption and in ingnorance of adoption ptsd and the severity of loss and trauma. So , now entrapped in this situation she cant change, she has to deal wiht this exceptionally tricky and dynamite situation. A situation that may trigger her and bed rid her for 2 weeks in deep depression. That may cause her anxiety for a month. And therefore she closes down and avoids the reminder of her loss and the trigger to her being possibly misled into a very difficult sitatuion. I knew a very carying mother who was pap stalked and bedside duressed to consent her child, and they knew full well she wanted to keep. And she fought for her child in her courts. but she herself said it was necessary in the end to distance herself from the open adoption arrangement because it was too impossibly painful and unnerving and depressing and deblitating. She did not like the adopters as well, so constantly it was a reminder of their non admission of how they got her child and then expected her to play along with happy adoptions. So it is probably trauma that repels and undermines the mother and stops her from coming to see her child. And not just a little tremor, but an earth shattering , ground opening, mind splitting, wrist cutting agony that she has to then recover from. <br /><br />I know because I have lived it. <br /><br />I once had an adopter write "adoption was an easy decision for me" Of course it was, adopters dont suffer a thing. While mothers are impaled by the brutal trauma and loss for the rest of their life. <br /><br /><br /><br />Kim Queen's Idahohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05235286846913287132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-92200957420122327052014-03-02T02:49:36.962-05:002014-03-02T02:49:36.962-05:00BJane, I'm sorry, but his aparents are so wron...BJane, I'm sorry, but his aparents are so wrong for what they are trying to do. I think you should find someone to help you to confront the issue and find a way to tell him once he's 18. If you wait until he's out of their house, it might be harder for you to locate him because they aren't likely to willing give you information about his whereabouts (i.e. college/military,etc.)<br /><br />Anyway, try calling until he answers, blocking your number, calling from work, whatever, and try calling him during the day when they aren't home to try to divert you. 3:00 should be a good time. Tell him the truth and good luck! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49662977630587447792014-02-24T14:47:29.081-05:002014-02-24T14:47:29.081-05:00Cherry and BJane, you are welcome, although I don&...Cherry and BJane, you are welcome, although I don't feel that you need to thank me for the truth. A mother is a mother and love for our children is not bound by an age minimum. <br /><br />Cherry, you are most certainly not something bad because you had your son at a young age. God help those with so much judgement in their hearts. None of us are capable of withstanding the scrutiny of perfection. Being pregnant as a teen is not the unforgivable offense many make it out to be, although I do believe the harsh judgement they have in their hearts might be. It's simply easy for people to judge others and feel superior for not being in that particular position.<br /><br />I could have been a pregnant teen. I simply lucked out and wasn't. But I know what could have been, and I think if women were honest, that would be the vast majority of us. Like you said, a little bit of help could go a long way. I truly do believe that.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3429131120577664392014-02-20T09:22:51.951-05:002014-02-20T09:22:51.951-05:00@ Tiffany,
Yes, thank you.
@ Tiffany,<br /><br />Yes, thank you.<br /><br /> BJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11080785176707878982014-02-19T05:19:26.240-05:002014-02-19T05:19:26.240-05:00Tiffany, thank you for speaking up. As a former &#...Tiffany, thank you for speaking up. As a former 'teen mum', your supportive, respectful voice has such a positive effect on me.<br /><br />I recently had my son's very sweet partner (and lovely mother of my grandson) say, about the programme Teen Mom, that wasn't it great that the programme had reduced the numbers of teen mothers.<br /><br />I really didn't know what to say, so I said nothing.<br />But I thought 'Was I a bad thing?'<br />I didn't feel like a bad thing, just someone who needed some help, as many much older parents do when they first have a child.<br /><br />In the end, I gently said that I thought it was better to call these women young mothers, as the term teen mom allows them to be dismissed and stereotyped. But I realised, in the quiet of my own insides, that I was still being seen as something bad - justifying, I suppose, my son's adoption.<br /><br />To me it never did.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58883355254773792402014-02-18T13:12:15.480-05:002014-02-18T13:12:15.480-05:00BJane said "I am in total agreement. I too, a...BJane said "I am in total agreement. I too, am flummoxed at the hypocrisy. But how can you lovingly teach the AP'S and society in general about the tragedy of adoption? What can be done?"<br /><br />Continue to talk, be open, state the truth.<br /><br />As an adoptive parent, I am completely open and honest about the many pitfalls of adoption. A few months back, I ended up leaving a close, private internet community of mothers I had been a part of for years. I had met many of these mothers in person; they were my support group. One of the mothers (adopted herself) shared that her teen sister was pregnant and her parents were not supportive of her keeping the baby. I advised looking into groups that help young mothers and found a local one for her to contact. Several others spoke up recommending adoption, specifically reaching out to Catholic Charities and Bethanny. I spoke up that as an adoptive parent, I would never counsel a woman in crisis to speak to an adoption agency first, but rather to an independent party, such as the group I first suggested. I also mentioned that the two agencies recommended have a terrible track record in regards to ethically counseling mothers and are far too biased. <br /><br />I have never had such terrible things said to me as I did after that, by women I considered friends. I was accused of being anti-adoption (although I'm an adoptive mother), of furthering my own agenda, of being an arrogant know-it-all, of "getting what I wanted and then bad-mouthing how I got it" (a terrible way to speak about my daughter, especially considering the person knew the whole story), and not understanding the situation a teen in crisis is facing. I was told adoption is a beautiful thing, and that every child deserves better than what a teen mom is able to give them.<br /><br />This was all from 5 people with no connection to adoption besides their own opinions.<br /><br />I left the group. <br /><br />I have experienced similar reactions when I talk about how adoption isn't a thing of beauty. But I continue to speak the truth whenever the opportunity arises because I think that until we change the societal perception of adoption, real change will be hard to enact.<br /><br />I believe adoption will always occur. In my daughter's case, it was nothing I could help stop- she would have gone into the foster system or have been adopted. She could not go with her parents. It was a tragedy, and one that shouldn't happen. I love her with all my heart, and because I do, I speak out about how to make it so no child is separated from loving parents for reasons such as lack of money, support from family, societal pressures.... children should be adopted only when it is necessary for their well-being and protection.<br /><br />Change happens slowly, but I do believe it can happen.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3308851357575603882014-02-18T11:04:54.482-05:002014-02-18T11:04:54.482-05:00the facebook page you noted "mothers of open ...the facebook page you noted "mothers of open adoption fraud" is missing, I can't seem to find it...or any other support groups for open adoption.<br /> I am part of adoption groups that are mostly baby scoop ladies and I love these ladies, but I would like to also connect with ladies that have had the same experience I have had. <br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82216293215404118732014-02-17T13:02:23.898-05:002014-02-17T13:02:23.898-05:00David, as an adoptive parent, I agree with you tha...David, as an adoptive parent, I agree with you that market forces are currently the top driver of all aspects of adoption, even those that are presented as "better" options e.g., open adoption. It is all about the supply to prospective adoptive parents.<br /><br />I however want to take this opportunity to talk about the foster system, from where we adopted. In our local county, there is a huge push to keep families together and not adopt out children. Adoption tends to happen only in the most extreme cases of abuse and compromise to the children's safety. I am supportive of this approach, although it would be nice to make changes all around (legal, socio-economic) so that adoption is not needed at all.<br /><br />While I am supportive of curtailing adoption, there is something that needs to accompany it - providing resources so that parents can keep their children. I have a former foster daughter who is in a highly unstable situation right now because her mother is mentally ill - from 7 years of knowing her, I can tell her medications are not working as they used to. My husband and I were prepared to do whatever was within our power to help this mother and daughter out, but we are not professionals and we needed the help of professionals affiliated with child welfare services (social workers, psychiatrists, counselors) to help us help this family. I begged and begged, made many phone calls, and in the end got a hold of one social worker who said she was sorry but they could not help. Why? Because the county only provides rehabilitation services if there is an alcohol or drug abuse problem. They have no resources whatsoever to help the mentally ill - and in the meanwhile, our former foster daughter is suffering terribly. <br /><br />My husband and I have now become acutely aware of how many children are subject to great instability from living with a mentally unstable parent. We need resources to bring stability to these families - it is no different from mental impairment due to drug or alcohol abuse. I am distressed with how little is being done in family preservation in general. We have got to provide more resources in this area, if we are to curtail adoptions.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66245896576778054702014-02-15T14:28:28.556-05:002014-02-15T14:28:28.556-05:00@David,
You stated,"It is here that we find ...@David,<br /><br />You stated,"It is here that we find a strange disconnect between their wishes for the health and happiness of the child and their complicity in the event that has resulted in the child requiring help."<br /><br />"But the seeming inability to examine their place as a causal agent in the separation and consequent suffering of the child leaves me more than a little flummoxed." <br /><br />I am in total agreement. I too, am flummoxed at the hypocrisy. But how can you lovingly teach the AP'S and society in general about the tragedy of adoption? What can be done?<br /><br />I am having a hard time talking to my parents and siblings about it. All of them stating how wonderful adoption is. <br /><br />I have dear friends that are AP's (not my sons AP)....so far I have kept my mouth shut, but note it is extremely HARD. And I am trying not to be jaded in regards to them. Jaded as in: I look at them and start to wonder if they've dealt with infertility issues? If they think of their child's mother....ever? In fact one did tell me in regards to my son's adoption closing, that it was because I was overstepping my "bounds"......(what bounds? Mine was a private adoption that was supposed to be open and there was never any bounds set, in fact the AP's broke many promises of openness, in which I could do nothing.....who is writing the rules?....)BJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24623958894009638182014-02-15T09:12:53.570-05:002014-02-15T09:12:53.570-05:00David,
You mentioned the diminishing supply of inf...David,<br />You mentioned the diminishing supply of infants being the fuel that drives "open adoption"<br /> and that is true. If they were able to maintain the status quo of closed adoption they would. <br />Came across this article yesterday and was struck different societies deal with infertility. I was also struck by how many people would shake their heads on how barbaric this is and not see any parallels to western adoption.<br /><br /><br />Last week, Mangok Bol was sitting in his office at Brandeis University, in Waltham, holding the phone tight against his ear and then, suddenly, everything felt woozy, his cousin’s voice, 7,000 miles away in Kenya, growing faint as the enormity of it all sank in.<br /><br />Mangok Bol’s brother, Makech Macthuy, and his brother’s wife, Achol Magot, were dead, murdered, their children scattered, like the ashes of their village in South Sudan.<br /><br />He scoured the Internet and a news account from the region gave the basics: Gunmen, who authorities said are from the Murle tribe, moved into the village of Kolnyang and massacred nine men and 19 women. Eleven children were abducted.<br /><br />Among them were Mangok Bol’s nephew, Makuei Makech Mach Bol, who is 2 years old, and his nieces — Abiei, 8, Ajoh, 6 and Anyieth, 4 — all taken.<br /><br /><br />“This practice of child abduction,” Mangok Bol was saying, “it’s been done for a long time.”<br /><br />It is inhumanly perverse. One tribe with a low fertility rate consciously goes out and murders people from another tribe and steals their children and plants them with families in their own tribe. The children’s memories are wiped clean. They are stolen from their people, and their identities and culture are stolen from them.<br /><br />“I have to find them,” Mangok Bol told me, and then he didn’t say anything for a while.<br /><br />Mangok Bol lives in Everett. He loves Everett. He is one of the Lost Boys of Sudan, one of 20,000 boys orphaned or displaced by civil war. In 1987, he was a boy, 9 years old, when he began walking with his cousins, at a fast pace, away from the same village in South Sudan, marching to the cadence of the surrounding gunfire. They winced at the gunfire. They wept for their dead parents. They slept in the bush. It took them months to reach Ethiopia.<br /><br />He lived in a refugee camp for three years until men with guns forced him to return to Sudan. He finally made it to another refugee camp in Kenya when he was 14. Nine years later, he was a young man, a lucky man, as he made it onto one of the last planes to carry the Lost Boys out of Africa.<br /><br />He landed in Boston two weeks after the 9/11 attacks and got a job as a security guard. He sent most of his pay back to what was left of his family in Sudan. He put what was left in his pocket and tried to get something the gunmen who destroyed his family never had: an education.<br /><br />He started humbly, at Bunker Hill Community College, riding the Orange Line, before moving up to Durham, to the University of New Hampshire, where he studied hard and marveled at the Wildcats hockey team. He graduated from UNH in 2008 and got a job at Brandeis, where he earned advanced degrees and found a home. Everybody at Brandeis loves Mangok Bol. He is a scholar and a gentleman.<br /><br />But now he has to go to his original home. Next week, Mangok Bol will get on a plane, fly to Kenya, and somehow make his way back to South Sudan, where the echo of gunfire and the blinding light of bleached bones hover in his consciousness.<br /><br />“Right now,” he said, “it’s not about the people who died. It’s about these innocent children.”<br /><br />Mangok Bol spent months walking out of Sudan, and when he finally crossed the border, his feet were blistered and calloused but his heart was not. Now he will spend however long it takes to get back into Sudan, even if it means walking the same route. He will do this to honor his brother, his sister-in-law, his parents and everybody in his village, now and then, because it is something he must do.<br /><br />The burden of freedom, Mangok Bol explained, is that you can’t endure someone else not having it.dpennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60661549467315650472014-02-15T02:18:55.336-05:002014-02-15T02:18:55.336-05:00I have read a number of blogs recently on OA. Ther...I have read a number of blogs recently on OA. There is no doubt that it's purpose is too address the diminishing supply of infants. The secondary consideration of improving the health of adoptees is a convenient marketing device without any evidence to back this spurious claim. <br />The posts on OA are invariably followed by comments from earnest APs extolling its virtues as a means to assist the child come too terms with their removal from their family. A frank admission and acknowledgment that adoption, even the much heralded OA, is emotionally and psychologically difficult for the child. <br /><br />It is here that we find a strange disconnect between their wishes for the health and happiness of the child and their complicity in the event that has resulted in the child requiring help. <br /><br />Let's consider this, and this is very important. In cultures and societies where there is an absence of forces, actively seeking, to remove babies from their families, voluntary rrelinquishment, for the purpose of permanent adoption is virtually non existent. It is the financial incentive provided by the PAPs that drives these forces to acquire infants to feed this demand. There is no line up of pregnant women just waiting for the chance to divest themselves of their newborns. These situations are created by vested interests seeking to profit from the event. <br /><br />I don't question the love and care these APs have for their adopted children. But the seeming inability to examine their place as a causal agent in the separation and consequent suffering of the child leaves me more than a little flummoxed. <br /><br />There may be the odd adoption worker or even agency that has real concern for the outcome of the child. But the industry as a whole just wants babies to sell. For profit, of course. Davidnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27155257192987673662014-02-14T17:27:49.318-05:002014-02-14T17:27:49.318-05:00Anonymous said "Even if the birth parents are...Anonymous said "Even if the birth parents are grieving and don't respond to attempts to keep up open adoptions, it's up to the Adoptive Parents to always keep that door open. It takes both sides to make the best of it but I believe that Adoptive Parents are the party that can make a break an open adoption. And even when there is a true open adoption it doesn't mean that it isn't hard or that there aren't bumps along the way."<br /><br />I agree! And if this was based off my comment at all, I just want to be clear that we continue with everything and then some that we agreed to do. I just sent off my weekly pictures and updates and an invite to an activity our daughter is in. I also gave our daughter an extra hug and kiss this morning and told her that they were from her other parents because they love her.<br /><br />I view this as one of my greatest responsibilities to my daughter. I will do everything humanly possible, and then I will do some more, to make it so that she grows up knowing her other mom and dad. I believe that this is one of the greatest actions I can take to help her deal with her adoption. This is a secondary point, but I also need to be able to say with total honesty that I did everything I could to keep her adoption open with her parents. I do not think they will disappear from her life, but if they did, I need to be able to say to my daughter that I did everything humanly possible to maintain the relationship. Otherwise, I believe she will have every right to be angry with me and have trust issues- I would have failed with one of the first promises I ever made to her.<br /><br />It is a great deal of responsibility to take on, and I agree that many agencies are not clear how much work and sacrifice is involved on the part of the adoptive parents to maintain openness. We do it because we love our daughter, the same as we do all the other hard things that come with parenting. But I think for some adoptive parents, the easy route is too tempting.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57111995906787261402014-02-14T16:06:54.675-05:002014-02-14T16:06:54.675-05:00We are always glad to hear from people who do the ...We are always glad to hear from people who do the work to keep an "open" adoption truly open. Not only do such stories indicate that there is a new way to look at adoption, your managing such openness will encouarge others to do so.<br /><br />And five-year-olds do have to eat their veggies! Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42797092826447576642014-02-14T14:20:28.569-05:002014-02-14T14:20:28.569-05:00We have openness with both of our kids' birthf...We have openness with both of our kids' birthfamilies, including aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I never want my kids to feel like they were kept from knowing their entire selves, and it disgusts me that someone would lie to a vulnerable woman to "get" her child. What a legacy you're bestowing that child - one of lies, betrayal, anger, and hurt. <br /><br />We feel lucky to have such an open and loving relationship with our kids' extended families, because they have become our families too. How can I deny my children all of the love to which they're entitled? They deserve to know their whole story.<br /><br />And when a friend of mine was conflicted about openness, I told her that it's selfish and mean to withhold a child from their birth family. Now her younger son's grandma babysits and his birthmom is included in all of the family holidays. <br /><br />Some of us aren't so bad. Although I do make my five year old eat her veggies. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74773374334884054092014-02-14T10:20:17.360-05:002014-02-14T10:20:17.360-05:00People confuse open contact in adoption compared t...People confuse open contact in adoption compared to an open relationship in adoption. Open contact meaning getting updates and the birth parents seeing the child once a year is not a true open adoption. Open relationship meaning the birth and adoptive parents have an open relationship with the child is a true open adoption. Very few adoption agencies train PAPs on what a true open adoption is and the work that goes into it. In addition PAPs rarely prepare themselves for the work necessary to develop and live out a true open adoption.<br /><br />Even if the birth parents are grieving and don't respond to attempts to keep up open adoptions, it's up to the Adoptive Parents to always keep that door open. It takes both sides to make the best of it but I believe that Adoptive Parents are the party that can make a break an open adoption. And even when there is a true open adoption it doesn't mean that it isn't hard or that there aren't bumps along the way. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13660654173083572092014-02-13T16:36:09.716-05:002014-02-13T16:36:09.716-05:00I am quite reluctant to trust any advice from peop...I am quite reluctant to trust any advice from people in the social work and/or counseling profession, and this probably can be traced back to the bill of goods I was sold that resulted in losing my child to adoption. As a matter of fact, I was recently persuaded to go to counseling in an effort to resolve an issue that was having a negative effect on my reunion relationship. Prior to the start of counseling, I made it very clear to the counselor that a particular issue needed to be addressed. I was assured that it would be, and guess what? I went to several sessions, spent a hefty amount, and the issue was barely mentioned as the counselor wanted to talk about things on her agenda! I felt taken advantage of and quit. I then took some of the money I would have spent on counseling and instead treated myself to several sessions at a local SPA and this was money well spent! Gailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27318096190420434222014-02-13T11:08:03.401-05:002014-02-13T11:08:03.401-05:00People will throw around the "well you signed...People will throw around the "well you signed the papers" line to make adoption more legit and to paint us as non-coerced, perfectly willing participants.<br /><br />But think of all the documents people sign after they finally succumb to the powers that be. Could be anything from a bad divorce settlement to a confession to a crime one didn't even commit! <br /><br />But hey, the system has your signature on the papers, that's all that matters, right?maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87901974582315018382014-02-12T22:24:38.721-05:002014-02-12T22:24:38.721-05:00@Gail
I apologize...I was thinking you were from ...@Gail<br /><br />I apologize...I was thinking you were from California but I think I had confused you with someone else.<br /><br />I am sorry.. kittanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33376789960103074482014-02-12T21:23:21.714-05:002014-02-12T21:23:21.714-05:00@Gail
I didn't receive any paperwork at the t...@Gail<br /><br />I didn't receive any paperwork at the time I relinquished/surrendered my son(1968) but in 2000 I wrote to the agency and they sent me my documents.<br /><br />The document says "Relinquishment" at the top of the paper, and it says "relinquishment" in several other places as well as "surrender"..so I guess the state of California used both terms. <br /><br />@Jane @Maryanne <br />I agree with both of you! Words used don't reflect whether coercion is used,and , in fact the words can disguise the reality of how voluntary the surrender/relinquishment/adoption plan actually was. <br /><br />I have always wondered about the word "voluntary" that is/was attached to the surrenders/relinquishments/adoption plans. kittanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-75418769455445414482014-02-12T20:25:40.558-05:002014-02-12T20:25:40.558-05:00Sincerely.....thank you for your advice.
I will ...Sincerely.....thank you for your advice. <br /><br />I will wait and have hope.<br />BJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57531677830886375062014-02-12T18:59:49.009-05:002014-02-12T18:59:49.009-05:00Thanks Jane! I never knew surrender and relinquish...Thanks Jane! I never knew surrender and relinquish had different legal meanings. That is interesting. You are so right, the words used do not reflect whether the situation was free choice or coercion.<br /><br />Some who "made an adoption plan" were really just agreeing to the only option offered. Just a rubber stamp on a "plan" already made for them by the faciltator.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36923916502393094832014-02-12T17:48:45.126-05:002014-02-12T17:48:45.126-05:00Lorraine, I too use the word "surrender"...Lorraine, I too use the word "surrender" because that's the word that best describes my personal situation. I felt exactly the way you described how you felt. From what I've read, I think many of us firstmothers felt like we had no choice other than to give our child what was suppose to be a better life. I don't know what I signed since I was in shock at the time and never received any type of related paperwork.Gailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32421192214144447732014-02-12T16:00:17.129-05:002014-02-12T16:00:17.129-05:00In the world of adoption where words often don'...In the world of adoption where words often don't mean what they mean, perhaps this will help. <br /><br />The terms "surrender" and "relinquish" are used in state adoption statues. They likely originated with the adoption industry but took on legal meanings when states passed adoption statues in the early 20th century.<br /><br />A surrender is giving legal rights over a child to an adoption agency. The agency will in turn consent to the adoption of the child. The wording of the document a mother signs goes something like this: I, Mary Jones, hereby surrenders my child to Happy Family Adoption Agency for the purpose of placing my child for adoption."<br /><br />A relinquishment is consent by a parent to the adoption of her child by a specific party. The term is used in non-agency (independent) adoptions. The document will read something like this: I, Mary Jones, do relinquish my child for adoption by Susan and Robert Smith." <br /><br />The adoption industry has replaced surrender and relinquish with the less draconian sounding "making an adoption plan" but state statues still use "surrender" and "relinquish." <br /><br />People should not make much if anything about what words were used. A surrender or relinquishment could have been 100 percent voluntary while an adoption plan could be as coercive as hell.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80593419329863608602014-02-12T13:10:31.733-05:002014-02-12T13:10:31.733-05:00The "relinquishment/surrender" document ...The "relinquishment/surrender" document that I signed in 1968 uses the term "surrender" right in the paperwork.<br /><br />It said I was "relinquishing and surrendering my minor child" for adoption to the agency.<br />kittanoreply@blogger.com