tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post3170810342130234599..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: A Daughter's Change of HeartLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65783591431114046002008-09-25T19:46:00.000-04:002008-09-25T19:46:00.000-04:00Wow, Jane. I've never witnessed such a full revers...Wow, Jane. I've never witnessed such a full reversal of opinion -- on ANY topic. Especially unreasonable since she got her history, to deny that to other adoptees. I think lots of people are turning (or returning) to religion during these wacky and scary times -- as Triona said, to somehow control what is out of our control. The Mormon church is one of the most powerful and indoctrinating I think.<BR/><BR/>I wish things were different, that she could love and be loved by two families.<BR/><BR/>Best to you, DeniseAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33886391579950723382008-09-25T17:10:00.000-04:002008-09-25T17:10:00.000-04:00Jane, I just don't know either, why some adoptees ...Jane, I just don't know either, why some adoptees feel the need to block everything out like this. I think Unsigned Masterpiece has it right. Maybe some adoptees feel like this is the only way to control a situation that has been uncontrollable. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the "rejection" we feel (not that our mothers rejected us, but the way we are made to feel that they did by the society around us). Some adoptees feel like the only way to protect themselves from being rejected is to reject first.<BR/><BR/>As for why doesn't she fight for open records... fighting is hard. This Illinois bill HB 4623 is a slap in the face designed as "help" for adoptees, and puts us in the position of battling each other over whether rights for some is good enough, or if we should fight for rights for all. I'm in the latter camp, but as I've mentioned on my own blog, my mom's denial makes me a have-not.<BR/><BR/>I can understand why some adoptees don't fight. Being adopted can be enough of a fight, as I can only imagine being a first mom is. The sad thing is, some don't know there IS a fight. I sure didn't for most of my life. It wasn't until I had to get my birth certificate for my marriage license that I realized I was legally not treated the same as other people.<BR/><BR/>I wish I had a first mom like you, Jane, and Lorraine and Linda and the other moms I've met, who are as outraged as we adoptees are about what has happened to all of us in the name of adoption. I can't understand not fighting against that. There are days that I wish I still had my head in the sand, that I didn't have to deal with it, but I know I'd never forgive myself for not trying.<BR/><BR/>Maybe your daughter will eventually reach that point in her journey too.Triona Guidryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00969598333210972017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91447978979148361592008-09-25T10:59:00.000-04:002008-09-25T10:59:00.000-04:00Jane,I am sorry. I don't know, my daughter has ch...Jane,<BR/>I am sorry. I don't know, my daughter has chosen not to really know me. Her chose driven not by a church but I believe by a sense of loyalty to her aparents. I read the Pantagraph, I live probably 15 mins from Bloomington. The whole Illinois bill issue has been an eye opener for me. I really hope Megan opens her eyes to what she has in you.<BR/>KristyKristySearchinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04154155815657401289noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2881739345437216042008-09-25T09:37:00.000-04:002008-09-25T09:37:00.000-04:00I think that when the son or daughter we reunite w...I think that when the son or daughter we reunite with feels differently about politics, religion, adoption, anything else, we have to agree to disagree and drop the subject. Just as with kids we raise.<BR/><BR/>We cannot push our opinions on them any more than they should push theirs on us. Often it is a delicate balance. I can see where it can be confusing when the adoptee is the one who searched as in Jane's case, and then reverses opinions. My son did not search or want to be found, so there was a different dynamic there. He has told me a lot about his life, but our relationship, which at this time is email only, has evolved to the point that neither of us mentions adoption.<BR/><BR/>He knows what I do, but I do not push it or make a point of it, and would never urge him to attend anything to do with adoption. He loved his father, does not like his mother, but considers them his parents for good or ill. I am not sure what he considers me, but I do seem to have some role in his life like a distant mother, although I do not think he would ever use that word for me. After years of silence I am very grateful for the thin thread of connection and communication that now runs between us.<BR/><BR/>He is an agnostic raised Catholic, I am a lukewarm cultural Catholic struggling not to be agnostic. That is fine with both of us. My kids I raised are all agnostics as well. I have to admit it would have been very hard for me to deal with a kid who was Mormon or any kind of fundamenalist, or any kind of bigot. Luckily he is none of those.<BR/><BR/>Jane, I hope it works out with your daughter, I hope she comes around again. Do you think you could get her to focus on the things you do have in common, and leave adoption and religion out of your relationship? It might mean a lot of biting your tongue, but could be worth it to keep a relationship going.maryannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14820185286946511471noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48881943504675778902008-09-25T02:57:00.000-04:002008-09-25T02:57:00.000-04:00After over 22 years of reunion my daughter has rek...After over 22 years of reunion my daughter has rekindled anger towards me. Her adoptive mother died and I think she resents me for still being here when her other mother is not. We've made peace, but while she apologized, she said she still felt that way. <BR/><BR/>I don't always understand the ups and downs of our relationship, but you know?... I have ups and downs with the children I raised and we get over it as well. It's a natural thing in families, no matter the dynamics.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21228098057819633932008-09-24T22:09:00.000-04:002008-09-24T22:09:00.000-04:00There is also a heck of a lot of anguish that rear...There is also a heck of a lot of anguish that rears up in reunion. These relationships are not a piece of cake. At least mine isn't. Reconciling the pain, the abandonment, is an ongoing process that complicates and compounds all the other reasons for adoptees distancing from their original families.<BR/><BR/>Abandonment and a desire to be in control are the root of everyone's greatest fears and at the heart of reuniting. Working these things out in our hearts is a lifelong process.Being Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18191598836451286017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46223155929319098482008-09-24T19:30:00.000-04:002008-09-24T19:30:00.000-04:00Since I am also dealing with an adoptee who has do...Since I am also dealing with an adoptee who has done a reversal after many, many years of reunion, I can only assume that one way or another they believe they have to make a choice. In my case, he seems to find it necessary to villafy me in an attempt to feel comfortable with this choice.<BR/><BR/>Maybe it's religion, maybe it's adoptive parents guilting him. Maybe it's a partner who sees me as a threat. Who knows.<BR/><BR/>I am like you, frustrated and sad for him but calm. And ever hopeful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com