tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post3930121572612652893..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Honoring all Mothers' Rights this Mother's DayLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72206960434025041222016-05-17T00:07:04.832-04:002016-05-17T00:07:04.832-04:00In many states mothers have no rights to anything ...In many states mothers have no rights to anything whatsoever. Not the OBC, not the papers they signed, not even one scrap of NON-identifying information. Nope. Not one damn thing. <br /><br />It's all about "protecting our privacy and confidentiality" don't ya know. (sarc.)Cindynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87236263859235306522016-05-16T18:35:25.101-04:002016-05-16T18:35:25.101-04:00Lee2, I'm sorry that nothing ever got off the ...Lee2, I'm sorry that nothing ever got off the ground. But you're a considerate person and you have been sensitive in respecting your daughter's wishes, which she clearly stated. And you did want to help, by providing medical info. You have done the most you could, that any person of conscience can do, under the circumstances of no contact wanted. While it wouldn't help you to put any eggs in that particular basket, I hope that with time things may change (although it's just as realistic to say they may not).<br /><br />Well, at least you know your situation is not unique, and, most importantly, it isn't personal. It is an emotional response, and talking logically will not help. Cold comfort, but nonetheless . . . Hang in there. Really there's not much else you can do - it is what it is, as they say. It seems quite odd, to be the odd woman out - but a few of us are in the same boat as you find yourself at this time. Jane's advice doesn't sound harsh, it is the reality after all.new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38022722700487014202016-05-16T11:35:10.048-04:002016-05-16T11:35:10.048-04:00Hi, just back from Saving Our Sisters last night.....Hi, just back from Saving Our Sisters last night...great intimate conference, lots of stories, tears, support. Will try to blog later but I am quite pooped today. Flying into Long Island means going on Southwest and for me that means transferring usually through Baltimore where I ended up with a long layover. <br /><br />I will try to post today. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39332542706679748302016-05-15T20:25:38.946-04:002016-05-15T20:25:38.946-04:00Kaisa said:
go ahead and email her now. a lot can ...Kaisa said:<br />go ahead and email her now. a lot can change in 7 years. good luck.<br />**<br /><br />ahhh.... no, I'll explain further down!<br /><br />Jane said:<br /> am sorry Lee. Reunion can be so difficult and there's no road map. The only thing I can suggest -- focus on the important and positive areas of your life. If you haven't heard from her in three years, you may even forget it's her birthday or not think it's important to write.<br /><br />Harsh as this may sound -- Life is too short to stress over someone who doesn't want a connection or has issues which preclude a connnection. <br />**<br /><br />Yes - no road map for this! I haven't been stressing over her not contact me, don't worry! My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer that has metatasized to his bone marrow, so I've been worrying about him! He doesn't have much time left; and when he does die, I'm moving out of this country! For personal reasons...<br /><br />new and old said:<br />Lee2, I would hate to see you counting the years "until" you can write to your daughter. I may be doing the same thing, as my older son wants no contact with me - but we have not yet had any contact at all, so I have no emails or conversations to look reflect on. It's been only a year and a half for reunion with my younger son, and there is not much regular contact really, although things are going well, they are not going badly. He doesn't really want to communicate, chit-chat or anything, except in person. <br /><br />Happy birthday to your daughter, I hope it was happy for her. <br />.....<br />How long was your relationship with your daughter in reunion before it ended? I hope that her feelings toward you will soften. If you were exchanging emails, that was a good thing while it lasted. Was the ending abrupt?<br />**<br /><br />Actually we were not in a "relationship" per se - when I first contacted her in 2006 (found her one day after her 35th birthday) - did not hear from her at all. The only way I could find her was write to her amom (yes, I know!) - and her amom sent me a letter back, saying I had no right to interfer with "her" daughter's life, after I signed papers that I would never look for her (I did NOT sign any kind of papers for that, just my parental rights); amom also said that I had thrown bdaughter's emotion in turmoil. And that I should "wait" until daughter wrote to me. So I waited, and received a letter from bdaughter in early 2007, saying thank you for the nice letter, but at this time she has no interest in pursueing a relationship with me; and said she did not have any medical information though. So, I figured that would be a "break" in which I could write a letter telling her all medical information and a bit about her birth, which I did (12 page letter! LOL!) Waited for awhile for a reply; and someone (a search angel) suggested that I call - BIG mistake, in my view! I reached her amom, and she "seemed" to be very nice on the phone; I thought we had a great conversation, but of course bdaughter wasn't home at the time. I believe it was when I sent a Christmas card to amom, cause she was so nice to me on the phone, I thought it was nice gesture. NOPE!! Received a letter from bdaughter saying do not contact her, her parents, or any one she knows PLEASE! So that's where I'm at... I shall wait - I have no problem with waiting for her to come around - maybe when she reaches 50 years? LOL! <br />It's funny - she just turned 47 (the year I was born) and I turn 69 (the year she was born) this year!<br /><br />Anyway - thank you all for your replies! I stick around this forum cause I can! :)<br />Lee2noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63233255773445508392016-05-15T13:28:08.956-04:002016-05-15T13:28:08.956-04:00I am sorry Lee. Reunion can be so difficult and th...I am sorry Lee. Reunion can be so difficult and there's no road map. The only thing I can suggest -- focus on the important and positive areas of your life. If you haven't heard from her in three years, you may even forget it's her birthday or not think it's important to write.<br /><br />Harsh as this may sound -- Life is too short to stress over someone who doesn't want a connection or has issues which preclude a connnection. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83868462243393209562016-05-15T10:20:45.170-04:002016-05-15T10:20:45.170-04:00Lee2, I would hate to see you counting the years &...Lee2, I would hate to see you counting the years "until" you can write to your daughter. I may be doing the same thing, as my older son wants no contact with me - but we have not yet had any contact at all, so I have no emails or conversations to look reflect on. It's been only a year and a half for reunion with my younger son, and there is not much regular contact really, although things are going well, they are not going badly. He doesn't really want to communicate, chit-chat or anything, except in person. <br /><br />Happy birthday to your daughter, I hope it was happy for her. <br /><br />I hope that someone with more experience in reunion will give some advice and enlightenment. But it's for sure that if you have been asked not to contact your bdaughter, her wishes have been stated clearly. As for my older son, he has too much anger and resentment to even talk about me, hear anything about me. I wrote a letter to him a year ago last Feb., but no response.<br /><br />I always felt sorry for my mom, she would write letters and send cards to my eldest sister, which were not wanted and not answered. But even though I was a child, I had a sense that maybe my mother shouldn't reach out if the contact was not wanted. And my second-older sister and my brother wanted nothing to do with our mother. This was an extreme situation though, having nothing to do with your situation, but just wanted to say, sadly it happens, in many families, no matter what the circumstances.<br /><br />How long was your relationship with your daughter in reunion before it ended? I hope that her feelings toward you will soften. If you were exchanging emails, that was a good thing while it lasted. Was the ending abrupt?<br /><br />Maybe Lorraine or Jane will make a post on this particular subject; I know they both have experience, sadly, with being cut off. But in the end, there's not much more to say except that we must respect our child's expressed wishes, and otherwise lay low, try to live the life as well as we can, and hope for better days - isn't it?new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54008420177096425292016-05-15T10:10:22.199-04:002016-05-15T10:10:22.199-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16571106249207987994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57470979782987315022016-05-14T17:32:41.154-04:002016-05-14T17:32:41.154-04:00Today is my bdaughter's 47th birthday... have...Today is my bdaughter's 47th birthday... have had no contact in 7 years... thinking of writing a letter to her on her 50th, if I haven't heard anything, that would be 10 years since the last time I emailed with her. Lee2noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91742149272825231522016-05-13T08:09:31.616-04:002016-05-13T08:09:31.616-04:00All is so quiet here, are you both at the SOS meet...All is so quiet here, are you both at the SOS meeting in MO?maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47374655443157991092016-05-09T21:42:10.980-04:002016-05-09T21:42:10.980-04:00The mercury conjunction was on the news tonight......The mercury conjunction was on the news tonight...very rare concurrence. Next one in 2019 and then not again for about 20 years. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-76087632354529976832016-05-09T21:41:13.942-04:002016-05-09T21:41:13.942-04:00Whoa--it's way worse than that. I had written ...Whoa--it's way worse than that. I had written the agency twice already with my address, here I am, could they give me any information...around the same time my daughter's doctor wrote to the agency asking for information. <br /><br />When news of DES was current, I did some research on hormones, and a possible effect of the birth control pills I took on a fetus. So then I wrote again and said I had taken birth control pills during the early part of the pregnancy. That piece of information was passed on to my daughter's adoptive parents. By then, Jane was heavily medicated for her seizures and that letter came a couple of years later. But what's important to note is that the agency had two letters from me that should have been in her/our file at the time Jane's doctor initially wrote to Hillside Terrace (how euphemistic!) asking for information. His letter was never answered. I was told in a letter that she was "fine and happy" with her new family. I never forgot the words. I gave the letters to Jane but of course now I wish I had kept them. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56429272105919713932016-05-09T18:51:28.757-04:002016-05-09T18:51:28.757-04:00Anon, birthmothers are always going to be looked d...Anon, birthmothers are always going to be looked down upon, no matter what. Since we have done the unthinkable - let go of a child.<br />I think it's significant though that your daughter is reaching out, now that she is the age of majority, an adult in the eyes of the law. Who knows what was going on with her and her a-family. <br /><br />But better late than never, as they say. If your daughter wants to unlock the door, don't keep yourself locked out. Many of us still are, and I think that your news is good - looks like things have changed - and I hope for the best for you and your daughter.<br />new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27471987411599497522016-05-09T16:56:53.477-04:002016-05-09T16:56:53.477-04:00Thanks for the information, Tiffany,
Adoption age...Thanks for the information, Tiffany,<br /><br />Adoption agencies giving adoptive parents copies of the OBC may be a new feature in the age of open adoptions. In the bad ol' days, agencies concealed information about the natural mothers' identity from the adoptive parents, believing that any disclosures could undermine the adoption system. <br /><br />Many adoptees have said that their parents wanted to help them search but had only vague information about the natural parents. In some cases even this limited information turned out to be wrong. <br /><br />Lorraine's daughter's adoptive parents wanted to know more about her natural parents because of her health problems. They wrote to the agency but the agency didn't try to contact Lorraine to get information. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22943429042101746932016-05-09T13:58:03.124-04:002016-05-09T13:58:03.124-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16571106249207987994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53798120747639795192016-05-09T13:28:41.695-04:002016-05-09T13:28:41.695-04:00Jane said that "Kaisa, to my knowledge no sta...Jane said that "Kaisa, to my knowledge no state allows adoptive parents to access their child's original birth certificate or agency adoption file. However, the natural mother's name and in some cases the natural father's name may appear on documents the adoptive parents have."<br /><br />I just wanted to comment that although adoptive parents can not access the OBC after it is sealed, my understanding is that most agencies ensure they have a copy prior to that. We paid for three copied of the OBC- one for us which will go to our daughter, one for her parents, and one to file with the paperwork. That last was was "sealed away" by the state. But both her parents and I do have the OBC as a copy. Which makes it THAT much more ridiculous that if something happened to our copy (which is in a safe deposit box because I'm terrified of that very thing), we could not get another. The laws are absolutely not reflective of the current state of the vast majority of adoptions, and they are absolutely not reflective of the rights of the adopted person to their own history.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53268399645871070942016-05-09T11:53:41.610-04:002016-05-09T11:53:41.610-04:00Mothers receive the petition for adoption, the jud...Mothers receive the petition for adoption, the judgement of adoption, and all documents she signed. She does not get the home study, reports of social workers, and any other information personal to the adoptive family.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25472024920461575442016-05-09T10:44:11.120-04:002016-05-09T10:44:11.120-04:00Thanks for the tip on the sun. But it is gorgeous ...Thanks for the tip on the sun. But it is gorgeous here in the east. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26396513706407601652016-05-09T10:14:14.515-04:002016-05-09T10:14:14.515-04:00Well,I'm glad this blog exists for days like y...Well,I'm glad this blog exists for days like yesterday. For the first time in 15 years, my son didn't call on Mother's Day. I guess it's my turn for"the treatment" Then again, maybe it just hasn't registered on my cell phone yet I was at the edge of the cell reception area yesterday. Anyway, so I spent last night feeling sorry for myself(I pulled out of that quickly) and listening to depressing songs like "I shall be released" by Joe Cocker and "Sundays and Sister Jones" by Roberta Flack. Like Lorraine said, now it's Monday and back to normal Time is running short and I've got work to do Oh,yeah, everybody don't look at the sun today. Mercury is crossing the sun and it could hurt your eyes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59567426678875471702016-05-09T09:12:22.346-04:002016-05-09T09:12:22.346-04:00Hi Jane. You mentioned that Oregon law allows natu...Hi Jane. You mentioned that Oregon law allows natural mothers access to *some* court documents. Which would these be, and which documents would be excluded?Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52232621811484014612016-05-09T08:19:08.774-04:002016-05-09T08:19:08.774-04:00I just fixed it...in the blog. I just fixed it...in the blog. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25455451728826970502016-05-09T08:16:46.728-04:002016-05-09T08:16:46.728-04:00right.............right.............Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71255381645222898842016-05-09T02:04:11.990-04:002016-05-09T02:04:11.990-04:00Yes, a mother can decide to have a closed adoption...Yes, a mother can decide to have a closed adoption in Oregon where she does not know anything about the adoptive family and has no right to be informed about them.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2241511082374243072016-05-09T01:06:52.849-04:002016-05-09T01:06:52.849-04:00Besides that, how many birthmothers have had menta...Besides that, how many birthmothers have had mental health issues (i.e. depression) since relinquishment, that might get a biased response from someone doing a "psych eval." And the results of such would not be an accurate assessment of whether said mother should get info on the adoptee.Danninoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67176923205268272702016-05-09T01:04:15.989-04:002016-05-09T01:04:15.989-04:00You mean that adoption of a "voluntarily reli...You mean that adoption of a "voluntarily relinquished" child is still legal in Oregon, without giving the mother at least the theoretical right to be informed about the identity of the adopters, before and during finalization of the adoption? Or is this just for old cases? Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60179736736615914182016-05-09T00:52:16.468-04:002016-05-09T00:52:16.468-04:00I authored the piece originally and wrote "an...I authored the piece originally and wrote "and are good moms to other children." Lorraine added "some" because like her, not all birth mothers have other children. She meant "some have other children and are good moms to these children." Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.com