tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post40872572391493665..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Does Mother's Day make birth mothers blue? YES.Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13605381353142293702012-08-23T15:58:36.668-04:002012-08-23T15:58:36.668-04:00Anon,
It's good that you feel sympathy for you...Anon,<br />It's good that you feel sympathy for your first mother and are not bitter. However, I strongly suggest that if you do meet your first mother, that you do NOT tell her you're glad she "gave you up to a better life." Since yours was a closed adoption, you don't know the circumstances. It's possible, if not likely, that the agency or attorney who arranged the adoption told your adoptive parents what they wanted to hear with little regard for the truth. <br /><br />Your first mother may have been in difficult circumstances but within a few years, she may have gotten her life back on track. It's likely she has grieved for you ever since you left her arms. Telling her you were glad you were adopted is telling her she was unfit to raise you; it's pouring salt in her wounds. <br /><br />Would you feel good if your mother says to you, "I'm glad I didn't raise you"? Of course not; you'd be deeply hurt.<br /><br />It's true that many mothers today give up their babies in hopes of a better life. Years later, mothers learn that while their child had some material advantages, they did not have a better life; nothing could make up for the loss they suffered.<br /><br />As far as searching, check out <a href="http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_search.pdf" rel="nofollow">Searching for Birth Relatives</a>. This is a US Government website with great information on searching. I'd also encourage you to join a support group--a good source to find a support group is the American Adoption Congress. And check out the excellent list of recommended books on the Origins-USA website. <br /><br />We wish you well and hope you write again.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8346482747919727722012-08-23T02:59:54.311-04:002012-08-23T02:59:54.311-04:00Hmm well all I can say is I'm glad my bio mom ...Hmm well all I can say is I'm glad my bio mom gave me up to a better equipped family. She was struggling to take care of my older half sister and my bio dad wasn't part of the picture. She didn't want to raise us on welfare. She wasn't a teenager and it wasn't an easy decision for her. But I feel an overwhelming sense of love for the woman I never met. I can speak for all bio moms, but I feel most give up thier children in hopes they will live a better life. I can't stand bitter adoptees who have to act like every bio mom put there is an evil witch please go see a psychiatrist and DEAL. All I wish is that my bio mom was easier to find. I want to meet her. My adoptive mother got<br />Cancer and passed away when I was 17 I'm not 24 and have a 2 yr old son and an looking for my bio mom but hard with no last name and adoption agency wants a lot of $$ I don't have :(Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24419992437680024012012-05-30T21:43:01.636-04:002012-05-30T21:43:01.636-04:00At my local Walmart they gave out single stem gorg...At my local Walmart they gave out single stem gorgeous roses to all the women who came in on Mother's Day. Maybe they should call it "Womanhood Celebration day" instead. I found it sweet they have out roses. Some people might have been offended by that but that would have been a choice on their part. Walmart was just trying to celebrate the women in our lives.Just the 6 of us!https://www.blogger.com/profile/07461701672659053032noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7660801939105676972012-05-16T08:37:09.961-04:002012-05-16T08:37:09.961-04:00Just another PS in case this was not clear; while ...Just another PS in case this was not clear; while my son withdrew at times, at first for a very long time, he has never said a cruel word to me, nor has he ever been abusive, manipulative or nasty in any way, even when he let me know he was angry about some things I had done. <br /><br />I know that is not true for some who write here, and I do not think any mother has to put up with real abuse from her children, adopted out or raised, nor do adoptees have to put up with unreasonable behavior or demands from their natural mother or relatives. Sometimes mental illness or just unrealistic expectations on either side make a healthy relationship impossible, and sometimes relatives just do not get along, no fault of anyone.<br /><br />Some mothers have had to cut off a contact after many years and after trying everything to help. These were situations that were truly abusive, and in some cases even violent and dangerous. That is not at all the kind of situation I was talking about when I advised patience and tolerance of adoptees doing what they need to do to deal with their situation. Nobody should be a human doormat, mother or adoptee.<br /><br />Neither side gets a free pass to be abusive and cruel to the other,even those who have suffered, but in normal reunions, it is important to have empathy and patience and try to see the other's point of view, insecurity, and loss.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69104952229332696492012-05-15T22:17:24.001-04:002012-05-15T22:17:24.001-04:00C and everyone:
Because I am not adopted, I can ...C and everyone: <br /><br />Because I am not adopted, I can never understand the strangeness of wading into unfamiliar territory that is one's original family. Those of us who open our hearts and homes to our lost children--in my case, a grandchild--and then learn that it was...irritating, find that our openness has turned to a certain wariness. As the saying goes, you can't step in the same river twice. C, thanks for your understanding comment. I am sorry you never met your mother. I am sorry for every adoptee who searches and does not meet her mother.<br /><br />My daughter came and went a half dozen times, I'd say, over the course of a quarter of a century. I always welcomed her back, but after he second or third time, I wondered how long she was staying this time. I will be always grateful that near the end, she wrote me a very precious email and said words that will always be comforting, now in her death. As I've asked before, if people knew how damaging adoption was, would they do it? <br /><br />No.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15576943412752148292012-05-15T20:42:49.240-04:002012-05-15T20:42:49.240-04:00On a more personal note, I had a lovely "moth...On a more personal note, I had a lovely "mothers day" with a biological cousin. Interestingly, she considered relinquishing her firstborn (this is back in the 60s) but her family and boyfriends (now husband of many years) came to her rescue.<br /><br />I did feel sadness thinking of my own first mother. She gave birth to 3 children but never got to raise any of them (one to adoption (me) and twins (died at birth)) yet she sounds like she would have been a wonderful mum if she had ever had the opportunity. I wish she lived longer than she did as well as she was still quite young when she passed away. Would she ever wanted to have met her firstborn? I don't know, however I am growing to understand how complicated a first mother's feelings are and that shame can be very corrosive. I like to think that she might have been kind enough to meet me at least once. People who know her say she would have welcomed me with open arms, however, after reading way too many blogs/forums etc, I can no longer be too sure that that would have been the case. <br /><br />Despite never getting to meet my own first mom, I do enjoy hearing about others reunions, especially those where they have been difficult to start with. I have read a few great stories lately and I sometimes wonder whether those hardfought reunions where they started out bad many years ago but are now going well are in fact the ones that last the longest.cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-77589872469581194882012-05-15T20:27:41.844-04:002012-05-15T20:27:41.844-04:00Anyone who knows me knows that I am a great suppor...Anyone who knows me knows that I am a great supporter of first mothers and have always done my best to understand the complexities behind relinquishment. Also, personally I have always been very respectful of my own first family and would never leave them in the lurch without any explanation. <br /><br />However, like the other adoptees on here, I did feel pain when Lorraine said what she did. This is because we are caught in the middle. We are trying to please everybody and sometimes something has to give. <br /><br />I do think that if an adoptee or first mother needs time alone, they need to explain why rather than just disappearing so I do understand the anger about that in particular. Having said that, I do find adoptees distancing themselves easier to understand that first moms distancing themselves, not just because I'm an adoptee but because we are coming from a different place. <br /><br />To me, a first mom meeting their child is like going back to a country they had visited before; for adoptees, we don't even know what country we are visiting. We have to work out what country we are in before even beginning to understand anything about it. We are also torn between two countries and society is often telling us that one country deserves our support more than the other. We are also made to feel bad for even caring about our original country. <br /><br />ccnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84674782770376650002012-05-15T11:25:49.172-04:002012-05-15T11:25:49.172-04:00Oooops! I had thought that dpen was another Penn, ...Oooops! I had thought that dpen was another Penn, Elaine Penn, a NJ adoptee who found the worst mother ever, a woman who actively campaigns against adoptee rights and has been vicious to Elaine. My terrible mistake, luckily pointed out to me.<br /><br />So sorry, dpen, I do not know your story and did not mean you, a case of similar name and mistaken identity.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73198735069487292672012-05-15T05:55:14.144-04:002012-05-15T05:55:14.144-04:00My experience has been that trust and respect have...My experience has been that trust and respect have to be slowly built, from both sides in reunion, with patience and love rather than blame and generic excuses.<br /><br />Each of us is dealing with an individual mother or adoptee, not with "natural mothers" or "adoptees" in general, and universalizing and generalizing actions and reactions gets in the way of seeing the unique person whom is your own mother or child.<br /><br />D Pen, your natural mother is a public horror and vocal opponent of adoptee rights, and I feel for you having to deal with and be related to such a person. But that does not make all surrendering mothers unworthy of trust or unsympathetic to adoptees. <br /><br />As the person who searched, I feel it is my place to try and understand the special circumstances in my son's life that made him wary of instant connection, not to accuse him of being untrustworthy or expecting anything from him. I am the one who has to earn his trust by always being here from now on, not the other way around.<br /><br />He owes me nothing and the love I feel for him is unconditional and does not require reciprocation. That he communicates with me at all is a miracle and gift, not something I can expect or demand.It is very freeing to stop keeping score of what is "owed" to you as a mother, and to just "be" in relation to your child, however that works out.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47108771233058889782012-05-14T22:18:03.949-04:002012-05-14T22:18:03.949-04:00I am a first timer here so don't beat up on me...I am a first timer here so don't beat up on me. please. I accept today that I will never have a good relationship--or maybe any relationship at all--with my found daughter. <br /><br />Too much baggage. That seems to be what I am reading here. Accept that this reunion after adoption is such a fucked up situation that it can never be healed. Now I understand her pain but "accepting" her pain and as she is equals no relationship as she "can not deal with me now." <br /><br />Every comment about a particular situation does not generalize for every adoptee, but that seems to be how it is being interpreted.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51931824798833984612012-05-14T21:59:40.840-04:002012-05-14T21:59:40.840-04:00When i say i demand compassion back i mean that i ...When i say i demand compassion back i mean that i have given it and still genralized as not to be trusted and have been genralized as being part of a group called adoptees as being cruel and heartless. I see adopttess trying to explain and they get told all sorts of things...<br /><br />I know each first mother has a story and most of the time its heartbreaking...And my natural sense of compassion comes bubbling up then BOOM...we are not to be trusted...we are cruel and heartless....not much of an attempt to really hear the adoptee narrative because its to hard forthe mothers to hear(both) so where does that leave us...alone and on the defensive. <br /><br />Also Lorriane...we are a product of our adoption...our triggers come out of nowhehre and sometimes even in my old age can i notfigure it out. If only the mothers would ATTEMPT to hear, see and understand why we react the way we do. But from what i read in my many years of reading is that...not to be redundent...is the adoptee..whther child or adult was born to heal our mothers...whether its the amom for her inferitlity, her need to be needed or whatever...or the nmothers pain of losing their child...<br /><br />I know there are some birth mothers that try ..to a point...to bend over backwards. Not sure thats the answer...not sure what the answer is. Maybe acceptance of what is for each indivual person involved. Less judgment and more attempt at understanding. As someone else said each situaion is differnt. There are also many adoptees that try to bend over backwards to gain acceptence from their mothers..but there is so much garbage getting in the way.<br /><br />Ruth...TOTALLY agree...real abuse is to not be tolarated by any "child" or mother.dpennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66426852253850798992012-05-14T21:33:14.640-04:002012-05-14T21:33:14.640-04:00dpen, I don't really understand all your meani...dpen, I don't really understand all your meaning. This discussion got on a side rail. I and the other mothers are talking about going into a reunion, hoping for the best for all parties, but finding it is not possible. <br /><br />When people walk away without reason (other than the unexpressed hurt of being adopted) it is hard to welcome them back without feeling, well, skittish about what may come next. That was my original intent. I can understand that adoptees have a built-in wariness, no matter what the reunion seems like. Maybe it is too hard, too emotional to revisit because it opens up too much pain that cannot quite be expressed as it stems from the preverbal stage. <br /><br />Mothers like myself hope always for the best for our children, we do not see them as "objects," or pawns between two warring parties, but, first and last, our children, no matter their ages. <br /><br />We hope for a reunion that somehow overrides the sorrow of both of the principals' past, but it is obviously difficult to attain. <br /><br />What do you mean "demand back"? For many of us birth mothers, it seems that we cannot do enough, enough does not exist, the hurt is bottomless, and we are unable to fill that inchoate void. So what we face is anger--reasonable in its cause but unfathomable in how to deal with. The wall between the two sides is vast and deep. I hate that it is so; I hate that I can feel your pain and anger in your writing though I do not know who you are. I hate that those who encourage adoption have no understanding of the emotional scars it leaves in its wake. <br /><br />I am profoundly sorry for your pain.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7037075470296290672012-05-14T20:41:31.004-04:002012-05-14T20:41:31.004-04:00Read and listen to what we are saying....listen......Read and listen to what we are saying....listen...we are the adotption..we were the ones that had to live as chamlieons...but my my...we dont show enough compassion...Iam done..there is no hope unless there can be adult dialoge nad mutual understanding.<br /><br />We as adoptees want to be treated with common courtesy also...but wait we can't be known to our familiy bwecause of the "shame" we cant be who we are because we might hurt someone ...please....and the sad thing is we DO get it..we are willing to wait(for a time) but because an adoptee runs and probaly has no idea why we can't be trusted....<br /><br />Sorry but adoption always was about the mothers..both kinds...not about the chidlren....yup, the more i read the more i see the more angry i get....<br />Yes, all people are dersved common couresty and respect..both adoptees and first mothers and i am more themn willing to give it and i have...but i demand it back.<br /><br />Brenda, my heart breaks for your story and i am so sorry for what the first mothers have had to endure...I get it as much as i can..but to lump peole as cruel, heartless and not having compassion when there is NO attmpt to understand what the innocent one had to endure just boggles my mind.<br /><br />I get tring to get strentgh from those that have been through it and only they understand....but not at the behest of the one that was actually removed from a family, made to live with biological strangers(and i did love them as my aprents) and just cope and be grateful....THEN as a group be called not to be trusted...sorry...but the understanding only appears to be going one way.<br /><br />There is no hope for reunions, there is no hope for an adoptee to EVER feel complete..to many other factors that have nothing to do with them getting in the way.<br /><br />Now I have explain to MY children why this is so. I have told them the truth, that my mother could not keep me, that i was in 6 differnt foster homes because my mother could not keep me...she had no support, her mother would not let me in the house(with good reason ...but really WTF.. i was an infant) that their grandmotther was really a good woman but.... that mimi loved them whole heartldy but no...we don't carry their blood...its a genarational thing that just keeps on giving...<br /><br />Then comes reunion.....dpennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54095419226519525302012-05-14T20:08:15.260-04:002012-05-14T20:08:15.260-04:00No mother (adoptive, birth, natural, step etc.)sho...No mother (adoptive, birth, natural, step etc.)should tolerate verbal and/or physical abuse/punishment from anyone, and that includes children- bio, ,adoptive, reunited, and step.Ruthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61592740957833470982012-05-14T18:16:55.836-04:002012-05-14T18:16:55.836-04:00Hmmm, "demanding compassion."
Is it &...Hmmm, "demanding compassion." <br /><br />Is it "demanding compassion" to expect to be treated with common courtesy and respect, if compassion is out of the question? <br />Or is the psychic damage of adoption too great to let adoptees to give simple courtesy and respect as a human being to their birth mothers? Some of you would say so.Abagailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21765958047713233352012-05-14T17:31:25.601-04:002012-05-14T17:31:25.601-04:00I myself am another one who hates mother's day...I myself am another one who hates mother's day. This year I tried to get into the Birth Mother's day but instead gave me two miserable days in a row. Maybe better luck next year. I don't know if there is any way around this grief, except live with it. I am also what they call a birth Mother. A word I hate and was referred to it some months back and almost wanted to throw up. What else can they take from me? I lost my daughter unwilling to adoption, to at the time my favorite Aunt in 1984, my daughter was almost 4 yrs old. I let her take care of her while I was going through a hard time in my life, it was only suppose to be for a short time. My aunt talked me into letting her adopt my child for insurance purposes and promised I could have her back as soon as I got on my feet. This way if I ever died she would return back to my Aunt. My aunt played my best friend. Reading so many stories of mother's that have lost their child to adoption's and the tactic's uses seems all so familiar. When I came to my senses and didn't want to sign in fear of losing my daughter, I was threatened by my aunt that the state of Washington and Montana were going to step in and take her and make her a ward of the state and adopt her out to strangers. (Later I found out this was only a lie my aunt used to scare me) It put fear in me, but something told me not too, then my family told me how horrible and selfish I was for not signing papers so my aunt could get medical help for her. I felt worse then the slime that crawls under the earth. I cried at the notary as I signed my signature and thrown out by my family to deal with it on my own. I could go on and on, but I'm sure we all have heard similar stories. I never did get my daughter back, and don't know how to forgive myself for being so naive and strong enough to get out of the situation I was in. I do understand about not trusting. I have been allowed in (if I didn't get to close and tell the truth) a few times over the years until my aunt found ways to make me feel so bad and then lock me out for years. I was allowed in again a year ago and my daughter became distant after she slipped and said I love you, I don't know if it was real or just habit. Guess I may never know. When I asked why and what did I do this time, I was told they did not want any more contact with me, excuse was because I posted a picture of my daughter and I when she was a baby and I had a deviated heart for doing so. My aunt's controlling and abusive, my daughter lives still at home under her thumb with her son and there isn't any thing I can do about it. It's been a game they love to play, first my aunt and now my daughter. It's been real sick over the years, but in desperation I allowed it, one moment to hear her voice was worth it to me. It has weighted on my emotions over the years, but I refuse to let them break me. I decided this year to put my energy into helping other's search for their natural mother's. I have been so blessed to talk with the few adoptee's that I've been trying to help search. Their eagerness to reunite with their biological family has I feel helped to put a healing in my heart. Anyway thank you, I was happy to read your blog and the comments by other's. It made me feel not so alone.Brendanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66727466225104496542012-05-14T17:13:15.291-04:002012-05-14T17:13:15.291-04:00"Have you no compassion towards first mothers..."Have you no compassion towards first mothers?"<br /><br />I would suffice to say no, that we are not afforded decency or compassion and are deemed to be walked all over for the rest of our days, or so some think. Us bad bmothers screwed up and by god we will pay until our dying day. <br /><br />Not this natural mother. I am done paying for a mistake I made because I TRUSTED people, everyone in my life at the time to treat me with decency, empathy, compassion and fairness. I got none from them, low and behold and now get none from the child I tracked down and tried to reason with in regards to what happened to the BOTH of us. I have been treated coldly and cruelty by my own child and his adopters. The only truth he will hear is that of which is adopters dole out; which is a one sided, biased view in favor of THEM and their families, of course.<br /><br />Yes, I am done paying for my mistake. I have been done and I will be done for the rest of my life. <br /><br />Funny this "trust" word is being thrown around. Trust goes both ways. My own child made the comment that "with trust our relationship would become more defined". I can hardly "trust" someone who bows down at the altar of people who maliciously deceived me. <br /><br />I think too many people come here and take things natural mothers say about their OWN experiences and personalize it and make it about them. You are not our children and we are not your mothers. We, just like you, reflect on our own experiences. Don't try to control someone else's narrative. I am hard pressed as to why people think they have a right to do that, aside from the fact that certain people think because we are natural mothers think they have some right to control us and what we say. My days of being controlled by other people are over. I don't think it would be too far fetched to say that many other mothers feel the same...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53813924951566164842012-05-14T17:04:47.491-04:002012-05-14T17:04:47.491-04:00Viktoriasaid"Adoption is an equal opportunity...Viktoriasaid"Adoption is an equal opportunity destroyer" YES...YES...YES..it is. there is no going back for the mothers who lost theor children and the chlidren now adults that not only lost their orginal mothers but a whole being...a whole life of living with a biofamily...yes its GONE. There is NO going back.;..there is no pretending that all i have to do is find them..either mother or child and everything will be healed. No, it will not happen...best case scenario is that both mother and adoptee can make an attempt to feel for the other and understand WHY<br /><br /> NOBODY is intentionally being cruel...nobody wants off with their heads..HAND OUT...WHAT???? ARE You kidding me! I am 54 years old and have 5 children.....DON"T talk to me as if i am a child...don't try the guilt on me either...or any other adoptee most of us are to smart for that. <br /><br />In my reunion when the absolute fear, guilt and confusion set it...I ran...because i was being cruel and compassionless? NO...because there was no one that said I will accept you no matter what...you can love both mothers, there is no competion only wants whats best for you...and i had NO idea at the time why i was feeling what i was feeling...and nobody cared about what i was feeling because you see...i had a role to play for my mothers...had to be a good girl for both...<br /><br />Maybe if everyone stopped demading compassion and starting giving it both first mothers and adoptees we could get somewhere..but until we as indivuals figure out where the hell we are coming from and continue to DEMAND something the other can't give the reunion is lost<br /><br />And many a reunion has been shut down because of lack of understanding and demads from both sides that the other can't give.<br />Many adoptees get the shame(hey we are the shame why would't we get it) and fear of "your children walking into your lives and many wait...wait until mothers are ready..many a discsuin i have heard where first mothers can't let their "real family" know about this big dark secret..who is actually a human being...first fathers who can't tell wifes and kids....grandparents who don't want anything to do with there "happy family" and be told to just be thankful and have a wonderful life. Because you see, our presence in their lives just complicates theirs...we get all that..and wait and tiptoe...just because we live and breath...<br /><br />Don't talk to me about lack of compassion...haveseen it have felt it, have experianced it...I have a saying DONT take advantage of my compassion..don't guilt me...don't treat me like a child! <br /><br />Compassion goes both ways...understanding goes both ways....we need to get out of our own ways and see the other.dpennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46077663111669237862012-05-14T16:24:41.205-04:002012-05-14T16:24:41.205-04:00All right, We can understand the "mistrustful...All right, We can understand the "mistrustful" on the part of adoptees, but "mistrust" works both ways. Or are only adoptees allowed mistrust? <br /><br />It's human not to trust someone --anyone--who walks out, and then comes back. <br /><br />Someone--again, anyone, adopted or not--who ends what seems like a positive relationship for no apparent reason can hardly be trusted not to do it again.<br /><br />Or is it always, Off with birth mothers' heads! They don't deserve to be treated decently. Look what they did! That's how a few of these comments read.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59252209826616900082012-05-14T16:09:40.177-04:002012-05-14T16:09:40.177-04:00Cheech, if you have followed Lorraine's story,...Cheech, if you have followed Lorraine's story, she obviously meant that some of us--including her--open our hearts and homes and whatever and then find that the individuals we have welcomed jumps out of the picture without warning or a word, and leaves mothers hanging and wondering what the hell happened while we are crying buckets all over again. How many times do we have to keep banging our head against that particular wall before we realize that stopping hurts less? <br /><br />Have you no compassion towards first mothers? Who have tried to rebuild a relationship, told that everything is great, and then get the door slammed at us, over and over? <br /><br />Reading these comments, it seems like compassion for mothers who relinquish is impossible. <br /><br />We deserve whatever our children want to hand out, right? Is that your thinking? Because you endured the initial damage you are allowed to go on hurting the mother as much as you like? Adoption is an equal opportunity destroyer, damaging both mothers and children. Forever.Viktorianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71954248271067514472012-05-14T15:54:12.301-04:002012-05-14T15:54:12.301-04:00Lorraine wrote:"Ahhh...Angela, you said it ri...Lorraine wrote:"Ahhh...Angela, you said it right, we welcome our children back but each time we trust them less."<br /><br />I'll admit I am another one who nearly blew a gasket when I read that comment.<br /><br />Trust indeed! Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. I didn't think you really meant it that way but that comment did come across poorly. I found it very, very hard to trust my n-mother. After all, she had given me away (even if unwillingly) and it took quite a while and seeing that she was consistently there for me for my wariness to wear off. I think we adoptees are well within our rights to be mistrustful after what we have been through.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83230879792861332042012-05-14T14:35:02.618-04:002012-05-14T14:35:02.618-04:00"but each time..." we have to "welc..."but each time..." we have to "welcome them back..." I think that clearly states I was talking about the <i>hello/I love you/I'm outta here,</i> phenomenon that mothers who have relinquished are all too familiar with. We mothers understand the cause, we even accept that our action was the cause, but living with the result 20 years later does make us self-protective. And maybe it's done to us as a means of self-protection too. So it goes. <br /><br />After the last time my daughter cut me out for three or four months, and she came back with a bang (a good bang), I actually had the courage to ask her never shut me out again...like she had numerous times, I did not add. Okay, she said immediately. She did not wonder what I was talking about. <br /><br />I must admit I had a good day yesterday. I spent the morning on a friend's boat, my step-son and I had a long conversation (following his funny card which arrived a week early), and my alternative universe daughter (whom many of you know about) sent gorgeous flowers from the local florist. <br /><br />And Kim won on Survivor. A trifecta!<br /><br />Only one person--a guy my age--I did not know wished me Happy Mother's Day. No way would he know if I were or had been a mother or not. It was simply a meaningless gesture, like wishing me Happy Kwanza. I just nodded. I mean, this has got to hurt women who want to have children and can't just as much as it irritates first mothers. It is what it is: a gesture of seeming good will.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9641561295921000602012-05-14T14:10:27.477-04:002012-05-14T14:10:27.477-04:00Hi again everyone,
Gee, I didn't mean to say I...Hi again everyone,<br />Gee, I didn't mean to say I wouldn't trust my daughter at all. I meant that it would be hard not to be wary, as Lorraine says, because she also has offered no explanation at all about her absence. I know that much of it is grief for her husband. But all she said to me, before disappearing into complete silence was "I'll call you when I'm ready to." Lorraine, you hit the nail on the head, in the non-adoption world parents and children don't usually behave that way. However, with due respect, it does happen. I have an uncle who disappeared from my grandparent's life and never said a word. His original issue was with my grandfather and I know he broke my grandmother's heart, but to this day no one knows why. The family was contacted after he died and his siblings brought him "home" to bury him. Sadly, my grandmother had long since died herself. Still, I think the part that is the hardest for me is the casual way my daughter has come and gone in my life and whenever I try to talk to her about it, she won't really say much. My heart completely goes out to her, but if she is treating me like a yo-yo Mom or, as I say, "I love you, go away," it is hard to know what to do. Silence is the most ineffective means of communication.<br /><br />I did relate to the stuff about being a symbol. Yes, I see that too, that it's been hard to see her for who she is as an individual and not just the child I lost. Adoptees don't have it easy either. <br /><br />Lorraine, thanks for your amazing moderating, as always. <br /><br />AngelaAngelahttp://www.sittingwithsorrow.typepad.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46653907169775307862012-05-14T13:35:13.309-04:002012-05-14T13:35:13.309-04:00@Lorraine.
"I'm not bashing anybody, and ...@Lorraine.<br />"I'm not bashing anybody, and am really quite surprised that you read it that way."<br /><br />I'm not surprised at all, without qualifications it seems like you are accusing the adopted ones of being the ones who abandoned you, suggesting they were the ones who should be searching, and that they are untrustworthy. <br />Of course, regulars have no reason to think for a moment you meant it that way, but if an adopted newcomer would read this, it could very well be understood as very callous, just a case of a choice of words with very unfortunate implications.Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47386439044033058502012-05-14T13:16:50.885-04:002012-05-14T13:16:50.885-04:00Lorriane,
Its A basic lack trust that we have liv...Lorriane,<br /><br />Its A basic lack trust that we have lived with since birth. Its ingrained it has become part of our esstianal being. It does not happen at some later time in life, we often don't even know we are carrying it and can't understand why we are so hypervigilant. I am willing to bet the most if not all adoptees are not ctuel and insenstive as we have been called...on this site....many just run from the guilt of not being able to give what is wanted from us ..how can we? We don't know what we need or want...then the anger because even though there is a lot of BLAHBLAH about what we adoptees need and how the mothers really want to help us ect...when push comes to shove and it comes down th the wire...there is no real understanding as eveidenced by some of the comments we hear. They tend to be about mothers(both) hurt and there need to protect themselves.<br /><br />I am so sorry...I know i am not being nice...but i am beinghonest.<br /><br />After rereading your comment i can see you didn't mean to bash all adoptees but there is a subtle dig that "our children" can't be trusted...trusted to what? absorb who they are? recieve understanding or an attempt to see whats happening with them...especially the young ones who have yet to fully comprehnd what has happened to them.<br /><br />I often think that in reunion the expecations of either the first mothers or adoptees are the same. The first mother expects the adoptee to behave in some way and the adoptee expecst the first mother to behave in some way....both thinking that they are coming from an even playing field. WE ARE NOT....there are so many reasons why adoption is so differnt for one or the other and the hurts are very different. when an adoptee says they feel rejected, abandoned ect it is fully ingrained in them from birth. something they never knew they felt until it hits them square in the face...ususally as an adult...but their lives have been based on those inferior feelings....hugly impacting who they have become...for me anyway. Even with the most wonderful parents and all the love and security i recieved...being left alone at such a vunerable age is a HUGE thing for any baby....human to deal with.<br /><br />I say all this not to blame...gawd i KNOW most of you didn't know that..hell..most of society does not get it. But years later when we hear how cruel and not be trusted we adoptees are its a knife in the heart...just because we live and breath.dpennoreply@blogger.com