tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post4307338763383193007..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: "Thank you for not aborting me" Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24722386758939029502016-07-24T14:20:15.754-04:002016-07-24T14:20:15.754-04:00I am an adoptee out of the adoption fog, I have ha...I am an adoptee out of the adoption fog, I have had one child, two early term abortions and over 10 years of birth control. <br /><br />I am not grateful for adoption. It never would occur to me to thank my mother for not aborting me. If I was aborted (or birth controlled) I would not know now would I? <br /><br />Actually, I feel bad that abortion wasn't legal in 63. No woman should have to go through giving up their child. Early term abortion is easier than a root canal. I wish my mother had choices because I love her that much. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07202936951061435463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66813281069829732262016-07-02T08:11:41.695-04:002016-07-02T08:11:41.695-04:00Despite what the common thinking is, a legal abort...Despite what the common thinking is, a legal abortion was not available in Puerto Rico at that time. I don't believe they were until after Roe v. Wade, or 1973. Anyone who thinks getting an abortion was easy before Roe v Wade in 1973 is deluded and all they need to do is look at the continued fight today to keep clinics open. Doctors have been shot because they perform them. A great many adoptees seem to think abortions, illegal or legal, were easily available--when they weren't! Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52432720978209636792016-07-01T12:42:10.010-04:002016-07-01T12:42:10.010-04:00I think it's a reasonable thing for an adoptee...I think it's a reasonable thing for an adoptee to say. Of course I considered abortion, and that's okay. I was only 19 and NOBODY carried a pregnancy to term in the '80s and chose adoption unless they carried the burden of religiosity like I did. I don't think it's wrong for A-parents to try to instill in their adopted children an appreciation for the life that they have. My birth son knew that abortion was legal when I was pregnant. He knew that I didn't really need to go through the physical and emotional pain. I could have had it all over with with one trip to the clinic. This comment from adoptees is meant in a respectful way, in my opinion.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53421923338320518782016-07-01T12:31:57.081-04:002016-07-01T12:31:57.081-04:00I prefer to think of my son as "birth son.&qu...I prefer to think of my son as "birth son." It keeps things in perspective. I'm "birth mother," so why shouldn't he be "birth son." I did not raise him. After 30+ years, for me to insist that he is my son only leads to hurt. The fact is: he is the legal son and the recognized son of the A-parents. He is my "birth son." Shortly after his birth, I was no longer recognized as his mother. It doesn't mean there can't be a relationship now, but everyone has to be realistic.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19432340603825539942016-06-25T02:53:29.894-04:002016-06-25T02:53:29.894-04:00I've been thinking about it, it might be possi...I've been thinking about it, it might be possible to understand this as the only possible thing to say, if we assume that the adopted one is a) either kind or trying to be kind, b) sufficiently adoption savvy to know that there is little truth in adoption, and c) a rational being. The kindness forces the adopted one to start with something positive to say early, but what could you say to somebody who might either be a callous child abandoner or the mother who would not have stopped fighting your abduction, if she had not been tricked in believing you were dead. Expression of gratitude seems a much better, safer option than telling her how much you missed her, as a way to be kind. Given that adoption agencies and adoptive parents are not really trustworthy sources, you do not know whether the relinquishment was according to, or utterly against her wishes, you do not know whether she loved you or hated you during the pregnancy, IF you are the FOUND one, you can thank for the reestablishment of contact and you know that your mother desires some degree of contact, but if you are the finder all you are likely to really, absolutely, know is that you are the result of a successful pregnancy of the person you are talking to, so taking gratitude for that pregnancy as starter, should be seen as a result of the lack of alternatives, and could be considered a plea for anything (stories, demonstrations of love, maternal affection, offers to return the stolen birth rights...) by demonstration of poverty, "This is the only reason I have to love you, give me more, please!". Of course, the wording of that as "not aborting" should be assumed to be merely the use of the expression the adopted is most confronted with... So if used in reunion, a mother should try and offer better reasons for gratitude (More in line of telling about the pregnancy and all, rather than a Porsche or so). <br />Of course, that does not mean that outside of a reunion context, the mother thanked should not go full Apocalypse on the thanker. Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9549926707729724072016-06-24T19:55:42.481-04:002016-06-24T19:55:42.481-04:00I told my mother that i wished I had been aborted....I told my mother that i wished I had been aborted. She was not happy.<br /><br />She told me early in our reunion that she had an illegal abortion when she was 16. I'm not sure if the age is right, because she swore that she had me when she was 17,when in reality she was 19. I have both of our birth certificates, mine amended of course. <br /><br />In her mind, if she was 17, and dad only 20 it was easier to understand why they gave me away.I've realized that Mom's story makes me 2 years older though, and I don't like that either! <br /><br />I still wish I had been aborted,and I am a pretty happy person. I just would rather not have had to live without my family. This offended mom,and maybe was part of why our reunion did not go well. She has passed on, so there will be no second chance for us.Adopted one (used to be adoptomuss)https://iwishiwasadopted.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30230738029266999872016-06-23T12:36:47.968-04:002016-06-23T12:36:47.968-04:00@Theodore, You make an excellent point. I have yet...@Theodore, You make an excellent point. I have yet to receive a 'thank you' from my son about being adopted. I view abortion and adoption as completely separate and different issues. Abortion is whether to carry to term. Once a child is born it becomes a question of 'can I parent my child' or 'do I let strangers parent my child'? But also, now that we know so much more about the effects of adoption on our children the question should be, 'where can I find resources to adequately parent my child' - this is possible today, when it really wasn't not so long ago. In the 50's thru early 70's the only choice was adoption. In the mid 70's thru 2000's or until the internet the choices were abortion or adoption, but today with the internet and parenting support groups and real resources, parenting is actually a 'Choice'. Adoption is still happening unfortunately, but with time and education, Family Preservation will become the mainstream. This is the opposite of 'Positive Adoption Language'.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01908086395357601866noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54073851963293094712016-06-23T10:38:15.095-04:002016-06-23T10:38:15.095-04:00I like your suggestion, Theodore, about turning th...I like your suggestion, Theodore, about turning the question around...but as you say, mothers should be forewarned about what the response might be. Could be anything from--I had wonderful parents, thank you for letting me be adopted (with the unintended subtext of: Thank God you didn't raise me!) or...an unleashing of pentup fury. For many adoptees, that would be a hard question to answer. David Smolin has written about the necessary love and attachment that comes with adoption by good people, and how that complicates a reunion. Everybody has to realize that the relinquishment and adoption comes with the consequences created by time and new relationships. What I felt about my own daughter was that she would have spent the rest of her life trying to prove to her adoptive mother that she was worthy of her love and affection. It was a losing battle. As many of you know...she died of her own hand in 2007. Adoption was one of many crosses she had to bear. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64047013949048153722016-06-23T00:40:49.818-04:002016-06-23T00:40:49.818-04:00Could I summarize the consensus that if a pre-cont...Could I summarize the consensus that if a pre-contact adopted person is grateful that he (to be understood as having both the English and Hebrew meaning)has not been forced to leave the mother's womb before viability, he could and should do so, but by stating such in a positive way, i.e. giving life, carrying to term. Of course, taking into account that some adopted people, would have chosen abortion if they had been giving the choice, this grateful for being saved from abortion-statement, seems like a potential launching platform for the unleashing of the hate, anger, sorrow, pain for being delivered into adoption, even if that launch is aborted, so maybe the best way for a first mother to deal with an expression of gratitude about avoidance of abortion, would be to ask "But how do you feel about the adoption?",with her warned that THAT could be something completely unlike gratitude.<br /><br />By the way, the adoptionresourcecenter link at the bottom of the page is not functional anymore. Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57941121809923316502016-06-22T17:00:04.338-04:002016-06-22T17:00:04.338-04:00Good Christian folk, eh? I've heard that story...Good Christian folk, eh? I've heard that story from so many people. They probably couldn't help themselves because the fact impressed on him how "lucky" he was to live and furthermore be their "chosen" son. It would add to the "you should be grateful" mantra. <br /> Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25413962431303655892016-06-22T09:32:29.954-04:002016-06-22T09:32:29.954-04:00The first card I received from my first son was th...The first card I received from my first son was thanking me for choosing life instead of abortion. Because of the 'Crisis Pregnancy Center' that I had gone to, the women who was Director at the time told the aparents that I almost had an abortion and so my son became their 'miracle baby'. I was stunned that anyone would tell a child that their mother almost aborted them & then take them to anti-abortion rallies from a very young age. Our reunion was 'set-up' from the get-go. Its incredibly cruel to burden a child with that kind of information whether there was an 'almost' abortion or not. I was told in letters by the aparents they were only going to say kind things about me, and I believed it because they were such 'Godly-Christian' people. Right? Abortion is legal (thank goodness for the mother's health sake) and I had the right to choose. Obviously I chose to give birth to him, so the abortion issue should have ended there. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01908086395357601866noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17256401602242197852016-06-22T08:05:39.727-04:002016-06-22T08:05:39.727-04:00Just to clarify. The particular "difficult qu...Just to clarify. The particular "difficult question" I meant was that of an adopted adult asking their mother if she had tried or wanted to abort them. I don't think anyone would ask such a weighted and delicate question unless they sincerely wanted an honest answer. <br />So my feeling is, if they ask, tell, and let it be with the truth, whatever that may be. <br />If they don't ask, then there is no question to answer. <br /><br />I agree with those who have said that gratuitously burdening people with heavy information they haven't asked for - and very likely don't want or need - is neither kind nor necessary. I don't understand why any mother would do this, unless it is because she feels compelled to unburden her own conscience.Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28679813527858708772016-06-21T18:09:29.026-04:002016-06-21T18:09:29.026-04:00Exactly! The post was written however because it ...Exactly! The post was written however because it does happen and some people don't know what to say or do. And because I obviously couldn't respond with simply a nod...Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84455486672636793552016-06-21T14:28:55.805-04:002016-06-21T14:28:55.805-04:00To my mind, if a person specifically asks a diffic...To my mind, if a person specifically asks a difficult question, it means they sincerely want an answer. They deserve an honest one. But if they don't ask, why even bother to make a big deal of it? It may be they just don't care - or even don't want to know. In the latter case, a gratuitous unasked-for truth might be just heaping on coals of fire.<br /><br />If an adoptee thanks their mother for not aborting them and the mother never wanted to or tried, the mother only has to say that. I don't see it as a problem. Not something to get all cut up about. JMO of course.<br /><br />Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-77211555018641555522016-06-21T13:01:10.132-04:002016-06-21T13:01:10.132-04:00Mirah, this blog is about what some adoptees are n...Mirah, this blog is about what some adoptees are now saying to their natural mothers upon reunion. And why it is offensive. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-203859527949532112016-06-21T12:11:48.455-04:002016-06-21T12:11:48.455-04:00You really can't separate adoption from aborti...You really can't separate adoption from abortion. If an unwanted pregnacy is aborted there is no child to adopt. I am sure if abortion had been an option my mother would have had me in the doctors office in a flash.<br />I do agree that there is no connection between having access to ones OBC and abortion. Obsolutely none. Merylnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74772881115899138542016-06-21T11:50:53.688-04:002016-06-21T11:50:53.688-04:00I personally do not like mixing or intertwining th...I personally do not like mixing or intertwining the topics of the two "A" words and thereby giving more credence to the hackneyed cliche "adoption not abortion" that foster the still popular albeit invalid myth that adoption and abortion are interchangeable "choices" while omittin the choice of parenthood. <br /><br />I feel that bringing abortion into the conversation hurts ALL adoptees and serves no purpose whatsoever in moving the real issues of adoption reform forward. Mirah Ribenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626873757236976251noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20404136388499762502016-06-21T10:50:03.814-04:002016-06-21T10:50:03.814-04:00The issues of abortion and adoption only appear to...The issues of abortion and adoption only appear to be intertwined because the religious right has gone to great pains to make them appear that way. Properly speaking, reproductive choice is between carrying to term or ending the pregnancy by abortion. Adoption has nothing to do with either of these two options. A fetus is a physical part of the body of the pregnant woman, and she alone is entitled to decide whether to continue the pregnancy to birth. It is birth that transforms the relationship.Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48236544711512145732016-06-21T07:16:55.100-04:002016-06-21T07:16:55.100-04:00It's too bad people--women in particular--can&...It's too bad people--women in particular--can't be truly honest about the toll it takes. Most women want to do something other than raise children but parenthood for women usually works out to be something quite different than parenthood for men. Jessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62464583722646217412016-06-20T20:18:02.185-04:002016-06-20T20:18:02.185-04:00Marley, you are my favourite ever misanthrope :-)
...Marley, you are my favourite ever misanthrope :-)<br /><br />Although I have say that I agree. I do think it is peculiar for anyone, bastard or otherwise, to actually *thank* their mother for not aborting them. It seems redundant.Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59829259922047061362016-06-20T19:06:38.511-04:002016-06-20T19:06:38.511-04:00Marley, I don't think that your ideas are that...Marley, I don't think that your ideas are that unpopular. Women must bear all the sadness of pregnancy and birth, shame and humiliation, men do not. Men are lionized, women are ostracized. Yet men seek to limit a woman's choice. I would go even farther than your statement, and say that becoming pregnant is being poisoned. That is how I feel, based on my experiences. I would never advise any young woman to have children, based on my life experience.<br /><br />However, I chose not to abort my second baby, although I was given advice to do so. I'm glad I didn't. It looks like it's a consensus here, that it is not the kind of thing an adoptee (or non-adopted person) needs to say "thank you" for. On the mother's part, the decision to abort or have the baby is a combination of emotions and perhaps some dumb luck. But I certainly am pro-choice, I wouldn't want any young woman to go through what I did, and I would like women to have the freedom that men have, to be thought of as people, and not just - substandard mothers and therefore substandard people.<br /><br />I think that the issues of abortion and adoption do intertwine, at least these days they do. But I think you are right, society does put too much emphasis on reproducing, and not enough on becoming a fully-developed person in our own right - if we are women.<br /><br />If you have more to say, would love to hear it, since we learn from all perspectives.new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46748330403693050242016-06-20T17:46:55.087-04:002016-06-20T17:46:55.087-04:00Marley, many of us are pro-choice. But that is a S...Marley, many of us are pro-choice. But that is a SEPARATE issue from adoption. Mirah Ribenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626873757236976251noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26922447186053392632016-06-20T14:10:54.983-04:002016-06-20T14:10:54.983-04:00I can't believe that any bastard would thank t...I can't believe that any bastard would thank their mother for not aborting her or him. Abortion is the first line of defense for women. To have a baby is to give in to reproductive culture and adds a spoke to the wheel of misery.Parenthood = slavery. I know this is an unpopular idea. Marley Greinerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15184124024369071862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38063361373573682752016-06-20T09:02:47.231-04:002016-06-20T09:02:47.231-04:00I'm finding this unexpectedly difficult to res...I'm finding this unexpectedly difficult to respond to this post. Yes, a safe legal abortion was not an option. I did try to have an illegal one, but as the conditions weren't sanitary, and it was so painful, fearing a perforated uterus, I stopped the procedure...the adoption was highly coerced, absolutely no support whatsoever...but I did love my child with all my heart and soul! <br /><br />I would not welcome hearing such words, and I'd probably become quite furious to hear them. I've cried a river of tears over being forced to relinquished her. I still have nightmares over it! The pain never stops!<br /><br />As far as the adopters are concerned, the adoption was forced for their benefit not mine or my daughters! I most certainly am not grateful to them! They had better darn well be PERFECT, flawless people was I was told they would be compared to my sinful imperfect self. <br /><br />Wow! This stirs up so many negative emotions. I hate adoption! It stinks to high heaven especially as practiced in America. I have lived lifetime of pain and suffering because of it! My daughter is 51 years old now. <br /><br />Recently the state legislature passed a law to make OBCs available to adoptees. I hope she takes advantage of it to find me. I've tried every way I know of to find her without success. Even so, I doubt I will ever fully heal from being forced to relinquish. Thank you so much!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01425922119386519967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58115696445470309622016-06-20T07:52:12.480-04:002016-06-20T07:52:12.480-04:00Beautifully and powerfully said, Mirah. Beautifully and powerfully said, Mirah. Lisanoreply@blogger.com