tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post4582725630386411995..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Perspectives on Open RecordsLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31790962887742106052009-02-20T13:41:00.000-05:002009-02-20T13:41:00.000-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05853661383614920724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22962171742626212682009-01-28T12:58:18.676-05:002009-01-28T12:58:18.676-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.The Improper Adopteehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04460201280334904431noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16769269086610294822009-01-27T19:53:00.000-05:002009-01-27T19:53:00.000-05:00Jane, I feel compelled to comment on this part of ...Jane, I feel compelled to comment on this part of your post:<BR/><BR/>"Telling me and others you're glad you were adopted, you were raised in the family in which you belonged, your adoption was God's plan, and so on demeans me."<BR/><BR/>My son has the opposite attitude. He was not glad to be adopted and did not do well in his adopted family... or as an adult for that matter. He is so angry, mostly at me, even though I've explained ad nauseum about the times, my parents, society.<BR/><BR/>Sometimes I wish for a child who did OK being adopted. Even if it meant he didn't want a relationship with me. Strange, huh?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34515694526202655692009-01-27T16:04:00.000-05:002009-01-27T16:04:00.000-05:00On a whole other note, does anybody know if former...On a whole other note, does anybody know if former Governor Vilsack of Iowa (now Agriculture Secretary) ever did a search for his birth mother? When he announced his candidacy for president, the issue came up and the agency where he was adopted, as I recall, offered information, or am I whistling Dixie here?<BR/><BR/> Does anybody know what the current situation is regarding his natural mother? Did he search?Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81371351449045888552009-01-27T12:08:00.000-05:002009-01-27T12:08:00.000-05:00It's weird, Jane, isn't it? I was the one who paid...It's weird, Jane, isn't it? I was the one who paid for a search for my daughter, and she and her family were glad (on her parent's part, because of her epilepsy). When Jane was still in high school and after she lived with my husband and me for several months at a time. So several years later, when she was in her thirties, and there was a call for letters from interested parties in Wisconsin, where she lived, I sent her a flyer about letters needed and asked if she would write. <BR/><BR/>I never heard a word. But sometime after that I heard from her father that when she received the letter and opened it in her parent's home, she swore at me. We never spoke of it. I never asked her again to be involved in the open-records movement. And as for her own daughter whom she surrendered to be adopted, she told me that she did not want me even to ever mention her, and that if she came back, she would not welcome her. <BR/><BR/>It was hard to accept that this is who my daughter Jane had become--one of the rejecting mothers adoptees in pain write about. The last time I saw her I asked her that if her daughter ever found her, she would at least give her my name and contact information. I think she stonily agreed. At least, she did not say no. <BR/><BR/>Of course one does not know how a person would react if the daughter arrived on the doorstep, but there was this determination to not be a part of her daughter's life. Possibly it was because as time went on, she saw how much her adoptive mother grew to hate me. Possibly it was because her natural father refused to meet her, and this was what she inherited from him. <BR/><BR/>Oh--lord it is complicated, but then everything about adoption is.<BR/><BR/>Both you and I, active in the open-right movement, hoped that our daughters might join the fight. Not only do they emphatically reject any involvement, they become acutely angry when we ask them to. <BR/><BR/>It's a way of rejecting us. It's a way of taking control. <BR/><BR/>(PS: if anyone is confused about the double use of Jane, both my fellow blogger and my daughter share the name.)Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60715715417343843822009-01-27T11:47:00.000-05:002009-01-27T11:47:00.000-05:00Jane, I am sorry that Megan has chosen not to have...Jane, <BR/><BR/>I am sorry that Megan has chosen not to have contact with you. As I am in the same position, I can empathize with your pain. It saddens me that often, in order to have and maintain a relationship with our children, some of us must acknowledge their experience by denying our own. Nothing you did or said was wrong. <BR/><BR/>I feel strongly that she will not stay away forever. It seems that often they need these times of alone-ness to work through their own feelings. I feel that it is vital that we respect our own feelings and care for our own experience with the same care we give to the adoptee's. <BR/><BR/>I feel that, as much as we love our lost children, we must love ourselves as well. I also firmly feel that for us to deny our own truth is to imply tacitly that the industry relentlessly continue. <BR/><BR/>I remember the exchange in the newspaper, as the agency that facilitated my loss is located in Normal, IL, right next door. Your letter to Megan was kind, considerate and respectful. It was clear that you loved her, and wanted to protect her in your response and it was also clear that it was extremely difficult for you. I admire your action, Jane, and hope that you are not reconsidering it now. <BR/><BR/>Sandy YoungAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17088288948654864117noreply@blogger.com