tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post4710837831992433858..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: When is the 'right' time to search? Wait and it may be too lateLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger121125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39992042183191817552014-07-15T03:12:07.342-04:002014-07-15T03:12:07.342-04:00Lori, so sorry to read that... from what you'v...Lori, so sorry to read that... from what you've written, your daughter's aparents appallingly diminished you and your role in forming your/their daughter. It strains credulity to imagine that a bparent would reappear in an adoptee's adult life solely in the form of Glinda the Good Witch with a Powerball payout to share, doesn't it?<br /><br />My gran, without whom I would have turned into a female Ted Bundy, used to say to me, "Silver and gold have I not, but..." and then she'd open her arms. Theatrical? Yes, but she meant it.MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00479830264284065679noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16363351980546027362014-07-14T03:49:59.305-04:002014-07-14T03:49:59.305-04:00Cherry, why would you be shocked by a reference to...Cherry, why would you be shocked by a reference to inheritance? My daughter has no interest in me because I have "nothing" to give her.... at least that is what I have been told repeatedly - and once even by her!Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54778658874645056472014-07-12T04:35:26.833-04:002014-07-12T04:35:26.833-04:00Yikes! Get better soon!Yikes! Get better soon!Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84097981970364294892014-07-11T09:09:15.480-04:002014-07-11T09:09:15.480-04:00Quick update: everyone in my house has a weird sto...Quick update: everyone in my house has a weird stomach flu thing, including me. It will take a few days to get back on my feet!<br /><br />Search angel says she can find nothing on my first mom or her family. DNA results in a few weeks, I guess. Back to bed!Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33393308430201677032014-07-10T17:35:10.472-04:002014-07-10T17:35:10.472-04:00I'm really shocked by that reference to an inh...I'm really shocked by that reference to an inheritance. I've not seen anything whatsoever in JE's posts that would indicate that.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60556405446347528172014-07-10T12:10:04.050-04:002014-07-10T12:10:04.050-04:00Lisa J: I am most certainly not waiting for an inh...Lisa J: I am most certainly not waiting for an inheritance, thank you. Any money my AP's have is being used for their medical issues and rent, as I moved them out of their house 6 years ago. <br />If you have been reading, I have outlined how they think. I have also stated that at this point in their lives I see no reason and nothing to be gained by fighting with them. I do not have the patience to start a war. I will plod along searching at my own pace.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9625812231721319552014-07-10T11:45:13.750-04:002014-07-10T11:45:13.750-04:00Mya:
ETA: I meant to write I was born in 1967 no...Mya:<br /><br />ETA: I meant to write I was born in 1967 not 1097Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00474706772888206301noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33940880223794745822014-07-10T11:44:14.360-04:002014-07-10T11:44:14.360-04:00Cherry:
I do understand. I was born in 1067 the B...Cherry:<br /><br />I do understand. I was born in 1067 the BSE and I know the main reasom why girls/women were force to place was because of their PARENTS. Just like my bgrandparents, my bmom was forced to place because of the social stigma of being an unwed mother. I also grew up in the 80's and I can assure you it was the same way when I was in high school: to be a unwed teen mom was horrific. So I understand WHY my bparents were force to place me and I have no ill will towards them. <br /><br />But for me to see them as my "first family," I can't see that because they didn't raise me and their parents didn't want to help raise me ( I can't say I blame them, it would have been hard to support my bmom, her siblings, themselves and me).Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00474706772888206301noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16661506683865520272014-07-10T10:02:14.199-04:002014-07-10T10:02:14.199-04:00Julia--Your adopters sound awful, unkind, and most...Julia--Your adopters sound awful, unkind, and most certainly not "loving." I'm getting the impression that you are one of those adoptees who is waiting for the inheritance to roll in (not that I think there's anything wrong with that, I know 2 middle aged adoptees doing the same thing) because there doesn't seem to be much mutual respect in your relationship with them. Is it really just "duty" on your part?Lisa Jnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27697169438722925402014-07-10T04:54:45.750-04:002014-07-10T04:54:45.750-04:00I'm assuming there's no option to change t...I'm assuming there's no option to change the NAME/URL category, as I think that throws people who are new, since they think they need an URL, so they plump for the Anonymous option instead. It would be great if there was just a NAME category alone. All the other categories are so complicated as to be off-putting.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91757782895733275592014-07-10T04:48:07.079-04:002014-07-10T04:48:07.079-04:00Mya, you said:
'If the bchild had a family al...Mya, you said:<br /><br />'If the bchild had a family already then why didn't they raise them?'<br /><br />The answer to that is complex. Many of us, right at the heart of it, who were there at the time, can't understand it either. <br /><br />In my personal life, I can trace back to his great grandparents the influences that ultimately resulted in my son's adoption.<br /><br />Socially, I can see the dregs of the Baby Scoop Era enacting itself on us. As well as alsorts of attitudes about women - who is worthy of approval and motherhood, who is not etc.<br /><br />Familially, I can see my mum falling apart for countless reasons, and my dad's inability to care, and generations of being poor.<br /><br />And I see myself, newly 16, making decisions with absolutely no understanding of the situation or of the help available.<br /><br />I've kept these sentences short because they don't even touch the surface of my own reasons. They are just the opening sentences to a world I don't know that you can understand. It's always hard for us to understand a different time. <br /> <br /><br />If you genuinely want to get an answer to your question, you are going to have to do some reading around, as I did when I began trying to understand some of the experiences and words of adopted people. There is just no simple answer.<br /><br />You will find many articles on this wonderful blog that can help you become informed. There are also other first mother blogs listed on the left hand side of this blog too. Musings of the Lame is a well established one, and includes a detailed description of what led to her first child being adopted. I have just started reading another heartbreaking one at everyoneactdead. I hope you will tread thoughtfully there as she is writing with courageous honesty from a position of great and recent pain. <br /><br />You can learn a great deal by reading around from people who have actually lived the experience, but you really will have to read with an open mind and heart, rather than with answers already assumed.<br /><br />I don't think I can write to you anymore. I think I have said all I can now.<br />Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66198986331924436432014-07-10T03:18:17.591-04:002014-07-10T03:18:17.591-04:00Hi Jane: Everything in your post makes perfect se...Hi Jane: Everything in your post makes perfect sense, in a perfect world. Unfortunately, the world is far from perfect.<br /><br />You say : "adoptees should not feel caught in the middle or be concerned with hurting their adoptive parents because they know that their adoptive parents want the best for them and that includes knowing their natural family. Truly loving adoptive parents should not put their child in a "them or us" position."<br /><br />I am sure my A-parents always felt that they wanted what was best for me. That did not, however, include anything to do with my first mother. And now that I am an adult, nothing has changed. I could move a mountain more easily than I could ever make them see that "the girl" might have something to offer me. <br /><br />It may have had to do with their infertility. But I think it had to do more with the fact that the adoption took so long to be finalized. To this day, my A-mother gets very agitated if I ever bring up the almost four-year wait, and the problems it is causing me legally. She will scream that the girl disappeared. My A-parents were left to wait and wonder. A-mom was so worried that someone would take me away. The obvious feeling is that my first mother acted the way she did deliberately to hurt my adoptive parents.<br /><br />Even though I was present at the finalization proceeding, once it was over we never spoke about it again. The judge actually asked me questions as I sat there in my finery, clutching my favorite Bugs Bunny doll. I always asked my AP's why we had to be at such an important meeting when none of my friends ever had to do such a thing. My questions were never answered.<br /><br />I find it telling that A-mom will always say she was worried that someone would take me away. Did she never think that someone took me away from my first mother? Did she never think that the poor woman was probably distraught, and "disappeared" because she couldn't cope with what was going on? I can assure you she did not. It was always all about my adoptive parents.<br /><br />I am rambling, but the main point is that this is how a great many BSE adoptive parents think. It is a monumental task to try to change such thinking. I personally know a lot of adoptees and all of their parents are exactly like mine, some even worse. How are we adoptees supposed to cope with this? I feel like I am in the middle of a giant tug of war, and I am about to snap.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63284845679254948812014-07-09T22:20:54.893-04:002014-07-09T22:20:54.893-04:00We are trying to find a way to end the endless ano...We are trying to find a way to end the endless anonymous comments, which drive many of us crazy. Pick a name! Any name. Choose the NAME/URL selection. You do not need a URL. Your name does not have to be your name IRL though we appreciate those who do, and we understand due to the sensitive nature of our subject, many will prefer to use a nom de plume. Okay with us, but the endless Anons are tiresome for everyone. If you post as "anonymous" you run the risk of not being posted.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66566995266463901492014-07-09T19:07:19.008-04:002014-07-09T19:07:19.008-04:00"As for hurting their parents, that is fully ..."As for hurting their parents, that is fully and completely on the parents for their attitude then. It's a pretty poor parent who makes their child feel guilty for doing something that is not wrong or dangerous."<br /><br />Tiffany:<br /><br />Before I started my search my main concern was my parents, they never insinuated that they were my only parents and that searching would break their hearts. It was simply the deep love that I had for them that made me concerned. I think, by nature, if one has good parents they automatically will be priority when it comes to reunion, its human nature. And you're right, it is selfish for an aparent to make the child feel badly for searching, because everyone knows that searching is not a reflection of the relationship between the child and aparents. <br /><br />Also, I think you're misunderstanding what I am saying.I said was that maybe the emotions in reunion aren't based on insecurities.<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00474706772888206301noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64608186241169396752014-07-09T17:22:55.164-04:002014-07-09T17:22:55.164-04:00Yes, I understand adoptees are conflicted; they wa...Yes, I understand adoptees are conflicted; they want answers but fear hurting their adoptive parents. However, if the adoptive parents really cared for their children and wanted the best for them, they would encourage the search. In fact, many do. Once an adoptee found her natural family, conscientious adoptive parents would accept their child's relationship with her natural parents and try to develop a relationship with them. <br /><br />In other words, adoptees should not feel caught in the middle or be concerned with hurting their adoptive parents because they know that their adoptive parents want the best for them and that includes knowing their natural familiy. Truly loving adoptive parents should not put their child in a "them or us" position. I can understand this is difficult for adoptive parents--particularly those from the BSE who were told they would be the only parents. It may take some soul-searching to begin to accept the natural parents. Rather than accepting that their adoptive parents are hurt, I'd suggest adoptees try to help them reconcile to the fact that adoptees have two sets of parents and each offers them something different. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87634119068153990592014-07-09T17:02:07.436-04:002014-07-09T17:02:07.436-04:00Anonymous (we are considering not publishing any m...Anonymous (we are considering not publishing any more anonymous comments, BTW, so people should be aware that if we get a whole bunch we may end that option) you must be new to First Mother Forum. We are so very aware --and have been for DECADES--that adoptees are constantly mindful of hurting the adoptive family. What is interesting in many of the relationships is that in the quest to not hurt the adoptive family, the natural family--who may have been searching themselves or waiting to be found--has feelings that are quickly and frequently trampled. Natural parents are people too, with feelings, but that often is ignored in the desire to never "hurt" the feelings of the adoptive family or even ask them to be real about where the individual came from. <br /><br />Yes, I know, natural mothers deserve it, right? Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28795155749855309772014-07-09T14:32:50.602-04:002014-07-09T14:32:50.602-04:00Cherry on 7/9@ 12:14 PM:
If the bchild had a fami...Cherry on 7/9@ 12:14 PM:<br /><br />If the bchild had a family already then why didn't they raise them? No disrespect, but anyone can say their family BUt how many step to the step to help keep the "family unit" together?<br /><br />-MyaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11374222053966498642014-07-09T14:19:57.499-04:002014-07-09T14:19:57.499-04:00Jane:
I think most adoptees don't need anothe...Jane:<br /><br />I think most adoptees don't need another mother/father/parent ( mom/dad) unless the aparents were bad parents. And I agree, that the bparents should follow the adoptess lead, as I was saying that all along. However, has it ever occurred to you ( and others) that the adoptee when searching, wants answers, are mindful of hurting the afamily they love?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58928492500576498962014-07-09T13:24:38.391-04:002014-07-09T13:24:38.391-04:00Cherry & Lori:
Of course I see the love you h...Cherry & Lori:<br /><br />Of course I see the love you have for your children, just like I did when I met my bparents ( I saw the love in their eyes). However, when I met them I was a grown woman who had a loving relationship and history with my aparents/family. It didn't mean that I had no use for my bparents, far from it. It just meant I already had parents who raised me that I love very much, and was very protective of them during my reunion.<br /><br />Now I have a loving relationship with my bparents ( my children call them grandma/grandpa too), but they know that MY aparents are my parents, at least to me, and are very respectful of that. Which I know for me, made MY reunion a beautiful and loving relationship ( 10 years later and still going strong).<br /><br />I wish you and Lori the best in your journey and I am truly sorry for the heartache you all have endured.<br /><br />Much love,<br /><br />MyaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38655348730997709072014-07-09T13:10:30.355-04:002014-07-09T13:10:30.355-04:00Mya said "I realize that you are in pain and ...Mya said "I realize that you are in pain and I am truly sorry for that, what I meant was it would make reunion much easier and successful if bparents acknowledge that their adult bchild has parents already."<br /><br />The converse also follows: it would make reunion much easier and successful if adoptive parents acknowledge that their adult child had parents already when they adopted him or her. <br /><br />It's a whole lot simpler all around if both sets of parents act like adults who care about their child and simply allow both relationships to develop without competition. I feel like you are putting the blame for failed reunions completely on the first moms where I have often heard that it is the adoptive mom who is insecure, jealous, and sabotages the relationship between her kid and the birth mom because of the loyalty the child feels to the adoptive family.<br /><br />It goes both ways. Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71300336664112440052014-07-09T13:02:45.775-04:002014-07-09T13:02:45.775-04:00Mya, parents are charged with neglect all the time...Mya, parents are charged with neglect all the time, and some of these parents do indeed love their children but are not capable (for various reasons) of providing for them. Some parents charged with neglect don't love their children. I'm not sure you understood at all what I was saying. Perhaps you have the luck of never meeting parents who don't love their children and pay someone else to take care of them, but I have. There are certainly parents who make sure their children receive what they need, but they do not love them.<br /><br />If I didn't love my children, I wouldn't do what I do for them. Sure, I'd make sure they had what they needed, but I wouldn't go beyond for them. It's LOVE that drives the going beyond the basics. That's my personal opinion based on what I have seen and how I feel, and as I said, I don't like the statement 'a mother is a mother because she sits up with you at night and kisses the boo-boos.' For me, it leaves out so much and makes it all about what a mother does rather than the reasons and feelings behind it. Why does kissing my daughter's booboos make her feel all better? I don't have medicine kisses. It's because I love her, and when I kiss her, she feels that love and care that I have. If I did it without the love behind it, what good would it do? Nothing.<br /><br />As a point of FACT, the Webster's Dictionary defines a parent in several ways, one being "one who begets or brings forth offspring" and "a person who is a mother or father: a person who has a child." I didn't give birth to my adopted daughter. By that first definition, I am not a parent. Another definition is "a person who brings up and cares for another.' Under that definition, I am a parent. My daughter factually has two sets of parents. Period. "Parenting" is the action, which is not the same as the noun "parent." You are completely confusing the situation. If you do not feel your birth parents are really parents, that is your right, but to paint with a broad brush is simply inaccurate because the fact remains that parents are indeed the people who give birth to a child as well as the people who bring up that child. Two sets in this case. <br /><br />As for hurting their parents, that is fully and completely on the parents for their attitude then. It's a pretty poor parent who makes their child feel guilty for doing something that is not wrong or dangerous. I have a lot of problems with adoptive parents who make their kids feel bad for searching out their first families. That kind of selfishness has no place in parenting, which is precisely the point I was making about a parent being some who loves selflessly.<br /><br />I don't know why it is so important to you to try to make it otherwise? Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61297573264588982922014-07-09T12:14:07.362-04:002014-07-09T12:14:07.362-04:00I think many of the problems arise from the simple...I think many of the problems arise from the simple fact that some aparents simply do not - to paraphrase you - acknowledge/respect that the adopted child has a family already.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20505427593937913022014-07-09T12:00:29.468-04:002014-07-09T12:00:29.468-04:00Mya,
You're presenting a simplistic answer to ...Mya,<br />You're presenting a simplistic answer to complex issues. I don't know any first mothers as you describe. All the ones I have met through support groups, CUB, and so on are extremely deferential to their child's adoptive parents. The only instance I know of anything close is what Jean Strauss wrote in "Birthright": Her first mother wanted to be called "mother." Strauss set as a condition for their relationship that the first mother acknowledge Strauss' adoptive mother as her mother. <br /><br />In my experience and that of other first mothers I have known, adoptees often start off with a defensive position "I have a family and I don't need another" Sarah Saffian stated early in her memoir Ithaka". Her first mother gave her space and never demanded anything. By the end of the book Saffian recognized that she did indeed have two mothers. <br /><br />Defensiveness on the part of adoptees can start a reunion off on the wrong foot. Some adoptees search for years and then when they meet their first mothers, they spend a great amount of effort in claiming the first mothers are not important. It may be that these adoptees don't want to admit that knowing their first mothers goes beyond having a source of medical history as these adoptees claim. Adoptees are hurt that their mother gave them up which they believe meant she put other things in her life before them. They want to punish her by insisting they have another family and she is not important. I've known first mothers who go for years accepting rude mean treatment so that they can have at least some contact with their child.<br /><br />The obvious answer to all these problems is trust and honesty between first mother, child, and adoptive parents. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42526631692353000442014-07-09T08:56:46.096-04:002014-07-09T08:56:46.096-04:00Mya, I entered into reunion entirely respecting th...Mya, I entered into reunion entirely respecting that my son was also son to someone else, and brother, and nephew and cousin, and that when he says the word family it is this landscape of people he sees in his mind's eye, and feels love for. I never, for one second, thought I was any threat to that, or sought to be. I thought they would at least be interested to see me as it would give them even more knowledge about their beloved son, brother, nephew, cousin etc.<br /><br />It NEVER crossed my mind not to do so. The ONLY people saying he has one family, when clearly he has more which also include my family and his first father's family, are his adoptive family. That simply isn't fair on him, and is actually painfully cruel on me and the rest of his family of origin. <br /><br />We missed him and we never, ever forgot him. He was the great empty space in our family that could never be filled by anything other than him. When he returned into our lives, we were overjoyed. Can't you see that he is a family member of ours too, one we grievously lost, as well as of the family who adopted him?<br /><br />He sees it. And he says it makes him happier about who he is. He now has additional people in his life that offer him unconditional love, and a level of understanding, for exactly who he is.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63160229061306339512014-07-09T07:22:30.945-04:002014-07-09T07:22:30.945-04:00MYA: If you continue to comment here, it will make...MYA: If you continue to comment here, it will make it easier if you choose the "Name/URL" choice and just type in MYA. You do not need a URL to use that choice. Thank you. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.com