tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post47252108966281758..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: How adoption narratives encourage eternal separation of mother and childLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48294125364929127832018-04-11T00:37:06.466-04:002018-04-11T00:37:06.466-04:00She says, "My daughters other mother, I thank...She says, "My daughters other mother, I thank you." <br /><br />The 'I thank you' gets a bold, why don't you thank the people who abandoned me? Why don't you thank those that arranged the adoption? Why don't you thank the doctor and nurses, and "social" worker who made sure I would not soil "your gift" (my child) with my grubby hands and aching heart and arms. Don't EVER thank me. I didn't want you to have my child.<br /><br />She says, "I do not know your name. I do not know you."<br /><br />Well, isn't that convenient? Of course some do, some don't, and some don't want to know. <br /><br />She says, "You do not know me."<br /><br />I don't know your name that's true, but I do know you. You are the nightmare that torments my soul and tears at my heart. You have lived (taken) my life.<br /><br />She says, "We will never know each other." <br /><br />Hopeful are you? In this day and age you can't say that with certainty.<br /><br />She says, "But we needed each other to create and love and nurture this child." <br /><br />Actually this child was created without any help from you. I definitely did not need you to love my child. In fact, I needed you to not be waiting and hopeful to adopt to <br />love my child with all my heart and soul. Maybe if there were not those 'waiting and hopeful' the attention and funding would be turned instead to family preservation. Nurture? Well, you got all of that one so yeah, you did "need me" to accomplish that. Hell of a handmaid huh!<br /><br />She says, "I pray that you have found comfort and blessing." <br /><br />Well I gotta tell ya, your prayer must go unheard. There is very little to no comfort when you do not have your child close and know they are ok. When you don't even know who they are or where. Isn't that a parent's heart? When you lost everything you wanted to be in life, where is the comfort and blessing in that? What blessing are you praying for exactly? For me to somehow find the strength to bear your burden and mine? That is what it feels like. It's heavy. A lifetime of grief. Secondary infertility. The loss of the only thing I ever wanted to be... a mother to my child.<br /><br />Yes, a little comfort (to know who and how and where they are) and blessing (to finally hold them) can be reunion. But that isn't what comfort and blessing you pray for is it? Since you say, "we will never know each other." <br /><br />Reunion brings with it a whole other complicated, painful existence that is often hard to navigate.<br /><br />I feel I have given as much as any military veteran. I gave my life (though very much against my will) so that another/others might 'live'. I've walked through hell. Some day it will be over.<br />Cindynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7522338811626474002018-04-08T18:39:34.815-04:002018-04-08T18:39:34.815-04:00Cherry: Answer to your question: Very entitled. I ...Cherry: Answer to your question: Very entitled. I barfed when I read it. The woman alas lives not far from me and is a friend of a friend. Went to the boy's bar mitzvah. My life is crazy. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84363321050240070442018-04-08T13:35:18.668-04:002018-04-08T13:35:18.668-04:00'Woman who laboured my son'?!! Dear god! H...'Woman who laboured my son'?!! Dear god! How entitled is that?<br />So Handmaid's Tale too.<br />Barf.<br />I despise women who think like that.Cherryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07876862640326469175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-75361873769890149712018-04-08T10:40:25.220-04:002018-04-08T10:40:25.220-04:00Did anybody notice what ungrateful adult adoptee M...Did anybody notice what ungrateful adult adoptee Moses did to his adoptive family? Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31547498512812668732018-04-06T21:13:18.275-04:002018-04-06T21:13:18.275-04:00Yes, Robin, I'd say that pushing the Moses as ...Yes, Robin, I'd say that pushing the Moses as a er, good adoption story maybe didn't read to the end of the story. I understand he has quite a revolt. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30152283309856447552018-04-06T17:35:49.456-04:002018-04-06T17:35:49.456-04:00What a great comment. Yes, I, too, found the quote...What a great comment. Yes, I, too, found the quote at the beginning of your comment so sanctimonious it made me ill. I mean isn't she just Ms. Big Kindhearted and Generous to think of her child's first mother that way. She gets to make herself seem soooo wonderful when "But we needed each other to create and love and nurture this child" may not even be true. It certainly wasn't in my case.<br /><br />And ha ha yeah I'd say Moses isn't exactly known for completely melding into his new family and turning his back on his heritage and past with nary a backwards glance. Anyone who tries to push that narrative for Moses' adoption story is really grasping at straws.Robinhttp://www.allinthefamilyadoption.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17613321735364805622018-04-04T19:35:54.677-04:002018-04-04T19:35:54.677-04:00Thank you Lorraine for highlighting the first moth...Thank you Lorraine for highlighting the first mothers in China.<br />My daughter* from China is a wonderful college student. She has been told that someone took her from her family and put in motion the events that followed. I try to make her life as normal as possible under the circumstances. Her DNA is registered on two sites where I regularly contact the new distant relatives with the following request. <br /> ‘My daughter is from the northeast part of the Guangdong province. Area towns are Meizhou, and Dapu. The people in this area speak the Hakka dialect. Please contact anyone you know there and ask them to quietly search for her family. Additionally, I have contact information for about 80 of the less 200 adoptees who also left the Dapu Social Welfare Institute and live internationally. I would be happy to assist in the reunion with any parents found in the area.’<br />I mostly hear back from other adoptees who what to know their history and encourage them in their search. Other people admit they have no contacts in that area of China.<br />I ask everyone on First Mothers Forum search for someone with the contacts and language skills who might help my daughter look in the eyes of her Mother and find out what happened.<br /><br />*She prefers that both women be referred as her Mother without explanation. I honor her request.<br />momengineernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46226463190550085802018-04-04T15:22:56.305-04:002018-04-04T15:22:56.305-04:00I've seen other comments like that...one book ...I've seen other comments like that...one book on my shelf contains the phase "woman who labored my son," (or something very close) which really made me crazy because the woman who wrote it couldn't even bring herself to use the word "mother" in any form. She's a terrible poet but she gets published and as the world would have it, one of my friends attended this son's bar mitzvah and she said that the speech the woman gave surely gave no sign that she didn't "labor" this young man herself. If he ever searches, it is will be done on the QT; best guess is that he never will. <br /><br />Again, she is pushing the narrative that he was not adopted but sprang into their life without a past. It is really time to put an end to those narratives. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-43980627000069783192018-04-04T15:14:18.376-04:002018-04-04T15:14:18.376-04:00"My daughter’s other mother, I thank you. I d..."My daughter’s other mother, I thank you. I do not know your name. I do not know you. You do not know me. We will never know each other. But we needed each other to create and love and nurture this child. I pray that you have found comfort and blessing."I found this sentence to be patronizing and sickening. <br /><br />Oh how generous of her to pray for the woman whose daughter she took. She is (or wants to be) blissfully unaware that the baby may not have been abandoned but kidnapped. Or like Moses, sent away to protect her. The Chinese mother, like victims of shootings, deserves more than thoughts and prayers. She deserves an advocate. If the author of this piece were a true humanitarian, she would have fought to help the baby's mother keep her.<br /><br />And of course, it's wishful thinking on the the author's part that neither she nor the baby will meet the Chinese mother. Korean children from an earlier generation are seeking and finding their mothers. Some are learning Korean and choosing to stay in Korea. Ditto for Vietnamese children snatched from their mothers when US troops left Vietnam in 1973.<br /><br />Finally, recall that adoptee Moses did not meld happily into Egyptian society. He rose up against his adopters and led his people out of their country.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65122956953354822312018-04-04T11:57:35.528-04:002018-04-04T11:57:35.528-04:00The last paragraph says it all for me. Sealed and ...The last paragraph says it all for me. Sealed and closed Adoption should be outlawed. Everyone deawdese to know who and where the come from.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14730401962078595512noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24873604127347158472018-04-03T21:55:39.232-04:002018-04-03T21:55:39.232-04:00This is beautiful Lorraine. I haven't been rea...This is beautiful Lorraine. I haven't been reading much adoption literature lately. I just can't deal with it along with Trump but so glad I read this tonight. Yes, what a perfect metaphor for so many of us ~ "Broken arm hidden in her sleeve."<br />I always referred to that feeling as a 'physiological amputation.' - at least until reunion, <br /><br />Love,<br />Carol <br />CarolChandlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17813197913868371884noreply@blogger.com