tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post4762988906631508347..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Telling the family, and the world: I am a First Mother Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger69125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85877574027894585112013-11-13T13:57:36.894-05:002013-11-13T13:57:36.894-05:00I just ran across your blog and have been glued to...I just ran across your blog and have been glued to it for several hours!!! I was reunited with my son 3 years ago. I was 16 when I gave birth to him and placed him for adoption. He was 28 when we finally reunited. We have a great relationship and talk to each other almost every day. This post speaks to "coming out".<br /> What we think of as our "secret" is not really a secret. I can attest to the fact that most family members knew exactly what was going on when a teenage girl "went away for awhile". It was never spoken of as family members were too polite or mortified to bring it up. <br /> When my son first contacted me via the adoption agency, the counselor advised me not to tell my other children right away, as they did not know and might be upset if their brother decided not initiate further contact. They were told after a couple of weeks of continued communication with their sibling. They were of course shocked at first but then they were supportive and accepting. At the time they were 24 and 23. The rest of my large extended family were also very supportive and were eager to meet their nephew, cousin etc..<br /> The thing I heard most was that every one knew or suspected that I had had a baby and given him up for adoption. That was still the way that was handled even in 1982.<br /> So the bottom line is: Even if you think no one knows, they know, or at least "suspects".<br /> Our "secret is not really that big a "secret" after all.Mama Kimnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6134489383806260012013-08-27T08:22:14.508-04:002013-08-27T08:22:14.508-04:00Oh Anonymous, your pain comes shrieking through yo...Oh Anonymous, your pain comes shrieking through your comment, and all I can say is, I'm sorry. So much damage was done to both the women who gave up their children and the children themselves. You say there is no place to go for comfort--I suggest that you put that to use working for unsealing the original birth certificates in your state--unless you live in one of the seven states that has truly open records (Alabama, Alaska, Kansas, Maine, New Hampshire and Rhode Island). That doesn't help with whether your mother will be happy for a reunion but you will meet other people who understand your pain and loneliness. <br /><br />All I can do today is send you good vibrations and hope they reach you. And the thing is, you are never going to know how your birth parents and relatives are going to react unless you find them. Yesterday on Facebook I got a photo of an adoptee with her aunt who is only seven years older than she is. The first mother is deceased. The two women look so much alike it was amazing. They wear their similar hair in the same style and look like sisters. <br /><br />They also ordered the same unusual kind of pizza (Cuban with no pineapple and the jalapeno on the side, without the other one hearing what the other had ordered. <br /><br />You never know what is behind a door until you open it. I was scared too. <br /><br /><br />PS: A lot of adoptees read this blog and comment and you might find more commentary from souls like yourself at the newer posts; this is from last year.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71042228498698370132013-08-27T00:22:13.483-04:002013-08-27T00:22:13.483-04:00This makes me very sad, because at this moment I a...This makes me very sad, because at this moment I am searching for my bmom. I am so close to finding her and came to this site because I was told that most bmoms want to be reunited with their children and I was hoping for encouragement but found this instead. I feel very sad because as I search and go on blogs I see adoptees longing for birthfamilies that want nothing to do with them. It makes me feel even less because I could be someone's dirty little secret. Which is why I never tried to look before. I have tried to understand but now I can see why so many adoptees harbor so much anger. There is no place for us and the loneliness is sometimes so unbearable.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78680447853870897312012-10-03T12:24:45.945-04:002012-10-03T12:24:45.945-04:00Robin, maybe a better suggestion would be to let e...Robin, maybe a better suggestion would be to let everyone use whatever word works for them, and read messages for content and intent, not the "correct" jargon. Nobody likes to be corrected for word usage, especially a new person seeking connection, reunion advice, and help for their troubles. It puts people off and defeats the greater purpose of outreach and support.<br /><br />As has been shown again and again, battles over words detract from the real good done in forums like this, genuine help and letting others know they are not alone as mothers who surrendered.<br /><br />Lorraine, your point is well taken that language evolves without the need to scold anyone. I am now much more likely to use just "mother" where that fits, or "mother who surrendered", but I still use "birthmother" in other contexts where that is more suitable and understood. Context and intent are much more important than the idea of individual words being forbidden or evil.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3086675187837586052012-10-02T18:49:54.241-04:002012-10-02T18:49:54.241-04:00May I make a suggestion? When someone is new to th...May I make a suggestion? When someone is new to these blogs and uses the term birthmother, s/he should be politely informed that this is no longer the preferred term. When I first came to adoption reform blogs a couple of years ago, I thought that birthmother was the accepted term. I was quite strenously attacked for my lack of knowledge. That is not necessary and can turn sympathetic readers away.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78484774701209376582012-10-02T17:53:07.441-04:002012-10-02T17:53:07.441-04:00Amen to all that Maryanne says here. Birth mother ...Amen to all that Maryanne says here. Birth mother was considered a big step up from "biological" when it was first used. Just as blacks went from "colored people" to Negroes to blacks to African-Americans. <br /><br />Language evolves. We evolve. I've written about this term at a previous blog: <br /><br /><a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2011/08/birth-mother-first-mother-both-names.html" rel="nofollow">Birth Mother? First Mother? Both names are belittling</a>Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24807822259169468132012-10-02T16:27:43.901-04:002012-10-02T16:27:43.901-04:00Manon,
In my state, they recently allowed adoptee...Manon,<br /><br />In my state, they recently allowed adoptees access to copies of their OBCs.<br /><br />I requested mine, and I found my mom. She is in the closet.<br /><br />My feeling is that she will always be in the closet because of the shame. I don't think the opening of records is going to help her because she felt that shame at a pivotal developmental period of her life.<br /><br />I do agree with you, though, that opening up the records could possibly prevent future b-moms from feeling as much shame as their predecessors have felt.Justinenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9832136262857721682012-10-02T14:19:56.261-04:002012-10-02T14:19:56.261-04:00Caleigh wrote"C.U.B. using the term, birthmot...Caleigh wrote"C.U.B. using the term, birthmother, in its name is a perfect example of:<br /><br />"AFTER AWHILE, the oppressor doesn't have to work so hard because the victim takes over (her own victimization) for the oppressor!"<br /><br />Answering this as Secretary of CUB and member since 1976 when CUB was founded. Everyone is entitled to their opinion on word usage,and this is not against Caleigh or any person, nor an attempt to start a flame war, but this comment is historically not correct and begs what I hope is a polite and accurate response.<br /><br />We who founded CUB did not in any way "take over our own victimization"just because of the term our founder used, a term that was not in any way considered insulting at the time. That its time may have passed to be replaced by other titles is one thing, but its use by CUB at the time was in no way a concession to self-victimization or any oppressor, no more than this blog using it for practical search engine reasons.<br /><br />We were a group of young mothers who had surrendered, still in our 20s and early 30s, who came together to fight for adoptee rights and for the recognition that we had been wronged and treated badly. We were women of courage and we were in those days truly a sisterhood. Most of us were suburban moms raising other kids, living average lives, but waking up to the need to expose adoption abuse and loss to the world.<br /><br />We stood up publicly in many forums and in National media when that was unheard of, we fought for legislation even when we could hardly speak about our experience without crying, we addressed hostile adoptive parent groups in person, not behind the shield of the internet. We were in no way victimizing ourselves or complicit in our victimization, in fact, quite the opposite. <br /><br />Whatever words one chooses to use or identify with today, that quote about self-victimization does not apply in any way to Lee Campbell or me or the other brave women who founded CUB in 1976, the first activist group for birthmothers or first mothers, or whatever one prefers to call us.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46542739997042344842012-10-02T13:29:19.082-04:002012-10-02T13:29:19.082-04:00Caleigh, I'm sorry I forgot to respond your qu...Caleigh, I'm sorry I forgot to respond your query about what I meant when I said 'My experience was and is good, but not everyone's reunion attempts turn out as they would wish." <br /><br />There is no contradiction there, or two story lines either. I do enjoy a good relationship with my adult child, relinquished when I was in my teens, over 50 years ago. I told my husband in the early days of our relationship and was confident that I had his support. However, I have seen and read enough to know that not everyone is so fortunate as I have been. One factor that contributed positively is that there was strongly supportive family on both sides. Not everyone has that advantage. <br />It sounds as if things turned out well for you too. How did your reunion happen? Did you have family support? <br /><br />Moving slightly off topic, I believe that if the right to OBCs and adoption records was restored to adoptees, reunion would lose a lot of its power to inspire fear in closeted mothers. Sealed records are an official stamp of unworthiness and exclusion. Opening the records would do much to lift that unwarranted shame. Adoption records have been opened in other places and the sky hasn't fallen onto anyone's head.Manonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84867946316147592642012-10-02T11:54:25.378-04:002012-10-02T11:54:25.378-04:00Awesome info about C.U.B., Lorraine!
C.U.B. using...Awesome info about C.U.B., Lorraine!<br /><br />C.U.B. using the term, birthmother, in its name is a perfect example of: <br /><br />"AFTER AWHILE, the oppressor doesn't have to work so hard because the victim takes over (her own victimization) for the oppressor!"<br /><br />(I feel like a pest.)caleigh brookshttp://caleighbrookswatchingthewatchers.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8773588659156067502012-10-02T10:38:26.437-04:002012-10-02T10:38:26.437-04:00Caleigh: You are right about Pearl Buck and the ...Caleigh: You are right about Pearl Buck and the use of the word "birthmother" or "birth mother," but it was given the imprimatur of natural parents when Lee Campbell and the others who started Concerned United Birthparents, or CUB, used the coinage as the name of their organization. I admit to having used it gingerly over the years--for a while it sounded better than "biological mother." But now I am not so sure. I will admit that when I started First Mother Forum I did it because it sounded easy to remember, and only after did I realize that others were beginning to use that phrase. As you have pointed out, I added Birth Mother to the title to make FMF easier to find by all.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55978866945131004122012-10-02T09:23:38.970-04:002012-10-02T09:23:38.970-04:00Hello, patient readers, I was feeling like a PEST ...Hello, patient readers, I was feeling like a PEST long before Mermayd called me a pest for commenting so much. <br /><br />I just have one more thought that might complete the picture about the use of the term birthmother, then I'm done with that subject. Thanks for letting me get it out - you're helping me more than I'm helping you!<br /><br />You'll see how the whole Adoption Shebang/Industry has always been propelled by adoptive parents (or you could say, infertile couples). Thank you so much! Here goes:<br /><br />Another bunch of MISSIONARIES. Where have we heard that before - Mitt Romney?<br /><br />FYI: Do you think that the word, BIRTHMOTHER, just magically got into the dictionary?<br /><br />In the 1950s, Adoptive Mama and missionary, PEARL BUCK, conjured up that word to dehumanize and marginalize single moms. They were to be viewed as ILLEGITIMATE unwed mothers - easier to finagle the kids that way from vulnerable moms - takes the guilt out of adopting someone else's child and building a lucrative industry surrounding child loss. <br /><br />The innocent child was also viewed as, and called, ILLEGITIMATE. The Adoption-Adorers were forced recently to stop calling innocent children ILLEGITIMATE. <br /><br />• Talking about "a breeding machine who ONLY gave birth" gives authority to the adoption titans/industry, and permission to infertile couples, to separate the VULNERABLE. You ONLY can do it to the vulnerable! All through the decades some single mothers kept their ILLEGITIMATE children; it just depends on how vulnerable the family in supposed-crisis is/was. (I think no child is a crisis! Children are gifts!)<br /><br />• Illegitimate means "you have no right in our society of couth people."<br /><br />Let's turn the tide!<br /><br />(Wow! Mermayd, thanks for changing your name from Anonymous! I love it! At least we'll know who's who.)caleigh brookshttp://caleighbrookswatchingthewatchers.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35233209216426519692012-10-01T20:06:48.431-04:002012-10-01T20:06:48.431-04:00Thank you for all your comments and kind words. I...Thank you for all your comments and kind words. I do appreciate them!S.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6799100788112765192012-10-01T17:18:13.933-04:002012-10-01T17:18:13.933-04:00S,
My b-mom is also Catholic, so I can empathize ...S,<br /><br />My b-mom is also Catholic, so I can empathize with how hard this has been for you.<br /><br />I am hopeful that any shame you've been holding onto for all of these years will diminish now that you have shared your secret.<br /><br />I am blown away by the strength of mothers, like you, who choose to share such a personal and painful secret with their families after years of silence.Justinenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4759230356203398832012-10-01T17:07:02.335-04:002012-10-01T17:07:02.335-04:00S., your kids' reactions given their age and u...S., your kids' reactions given their age and upbringing are normal and common, especially the firstborn finding out that he isn't. That is usually the reaction of firstborns, especially sons.<br /><br />No, all siblings do not jump for joy when learning that mom had a kid before them, but they learn to live with it, just as with any other event from their parents' past that was troubling. Lorraine's mother's divorce is a good example of that.<br /><br />Whether they will ever all want to know each other is up to them, but hopefully there will be many years for them to sort that out. You did the right thing in telling them, even though it was hard and even though they were upset by the revelation.<br /><br />It is never an easy secret to tell, and every family is different in its dynamics and reaction. Don't feel bad for how you told them or if "shame came across". Their reaction was not caused by how you told the story. Shame was part of it for most of us. It would seem bizarre to me to tell your family as if this were something great and fun-filled that they should be thrilled about.<br /><br />Let them have and live with their reactions, and let time and wisdom help them to see how hard this has been for you. Kids as you said, see everything black in white. In time the grey areas become clearer with life experience.Mermaydnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14389017207806596842012-10-01T16:43:42.924-04:002012-10-01T16:43:42.924-04:00S.: Let me add a bit about my growing up in a Cath...S.: Let me add a bit about my growing up in a Catholic household, going to Catholic school. When I was seven, preparing for First Communion, I wanted to know why my mother never went to Communion when we went to Mass. (My father did not go except on Christmas, Easter, etc.) She had to tell me that she had been married before, and that my older brother was my half-brother, and she was divorced from a man who had walked away from his son. I remember her crying, me crying, the trauma of it all in her bedroom. I immediately understood that she was living in "mortal sin," and that if she died on the spot she would go to hell. That is the seven-year-old's version of the rules back in the Fifties. <br /><br />We got over it. I got over it. <br /><br />My brother took my father's name as soon as he was able, not until 21, because his biological father, who had never come to see him in all the years, would not agree to the change. <br /><br />You are in the hard part right now, but it will get better. I hope your oldest can get over feeling cheated of the "first-born" status. That may take some work, but ultimately, it is up to him. You can only control yourself. My thoughts are with you.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85147634979260626242012-10-01T16:17:23.648-04:002012-10-01T16:17:23.648-04:00Justine - I appreciate your thoughts on the whole ...Justine - I appreciate your thoughts on the whole "did something wrong" thing and that you weren't making a judgement. While I do not regret my son's existence, the truth is it came about when I was very young and in over my head in a relationship and my age was a factor in why I couldn't figure out a way to keep him. I think it would be challenging for me to frame the situation in a more "valueless" way for my children - one, because my children are Catholic and go to Catholic school, so they do believe the idea that certain things are wrong and certain things are right. Two, because they are too old to just accept the idea that "mommy had a baby when she was very young and wasn't allowed to raise him" and go on about their business. Three, they are too young (not yet teenagers) where they can really comprehend hormones and the idea that we are sexual beings and the urges that people in relationships have with one another. The older ones have heard about that in theory but because they haven't experienced it, it sounds like crazy talk to them. I guess what I'm saying is , they are at an age where life is black and white and they can't yet grasp the nuances of what happened and why and how. I am sure there is some shame that came across, despite my best efforts to be objective and factual.S.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20743932017154800022012-09-30T21:00:34.153-04:002012-09-30T21:00:34.153-04:00Mermayd said to me:
"Perhaps you could try t...Mermayd said to me:<br /><br />"Perhaps you could try to simplify things for the rest of us by not making numerous consecutive posts that dominate threads."<br /><br />2 REASONS why sometimes a commenter might comment alot:<br /><br />1.) Often we must comment alot to REBUT "attacks" from commenters like the above.<br /><br />2.) But, MORE IMPORTANTLY, sometimes we just need a little more - a little more SUPPORT - healing - purging - we just need to tell someone.<br /><br />You would deny us that?<br /><br />Personally, I don't usually have time to comment as much as I have and I thank all of you for generously and patiently being there for me!caleigh brookshttp://caleighbrookswatchingthewatchers.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26841896097569243452012-09-30T19:50:27.146-04:002012-09-30T19:50:27.146-04:00I apologize to those who think I comment too much;...I apologize to those who think I comment too much; but, I would appreciate finishing my thought. I kept trying to remember the ADJECTIVE that I usually use to describe the insulting term, BIRTHMOTHER, and I just thought of it. You know how it is when the word is on the tip of your tongue.<br /><br />Birthmother is a DEHUMANIZING term! Keep usin' it, people, that's just what adoption titans want you to do. They want you to see yourselves, and refer to yourselves, as less than human breeding machines! It keeps the kids comin' and rakes in the dough!!!<br /><br />Thanks for your patience! <br /><br />[We all know why our wonderful moderators, Lorraine and Jane (Love! Love!) use the word in the title of FMF.]caleigh brookshttp://caleighbrookswatchingthewatchers.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65836746797563600262012-09-30T17:30:51.366-04:002012-09-30T17:30:51.366-04:00At the discretion of the blog owners, this comment...At the discretion of the blog owners, this comment has been cut: <br /><br />Agreeing with Manon, about Dr. Brodzinski and Dr. Schecter vs. Soll. There is no comparison, and "friends" on Facebook is a very strange way to judge the value of a writer or scholar.<br /><br />BJ Lifton was forbidden to use the word "birthmother" at the last of Soll's conferences. She was not treated respectfully. She worked with him because he was the only game in town in NYC for a while, not out of any great fondness.<br /><br />Also agreeing about Pertman, who was in no way sited in my earlier post. I am that anon, not any of the others, to simplify things for you, Caleigh. Perhaps you could try to simplify things for the rest of us by not making numerous consecutive posts that dominate threads.Mermaydnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49973583812470587612012-09-30T16:12:40.914-04:002012-09-30T16:12:40.914-04:00S:
Yours is such a terrific example of teaching, ...S:<br /><br />Yours is such a terrific example of teaching, telling, children as much as they can handle at any given age. You say to start even younger and then it's not such a shock. It's like teaching children about the birds and the bees. <br /><br />Excellent! Thanks for sharing - teaching!caleigh brookshttp://caleighbrookswatchingthewatchers.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35090464304361988552012-09-30T14:13:37.377-04:002012-09-30T14:13:37.377-04:00Caleigh asked "Who is is the anonymous "...Caleigh asked "Who is is the anonymous "mother-in-hiding?" <br />Hers is the second comment in the thread. Caleigh, dated September 24, 9.04 AM.<br /><br />S., good for you. That took a lot. I am optimistic that eventually your kids all come to accept each other as siblings. It's early days yet.Manon (1.52 p.m)noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39464922032944570152012-09-30T12:08:43.843-04:002012-09-30T12:08:43.843-04:00S,
I, for one, don't think you did anything w...S,<br /><br />I, for one, don't think you did anything wrong when you were younger. <br /><br />Is that part of what you told your children, or did they come up with the idea that you had done "something wrong"?<br /><br />It's not a judgment. I am just wondering if there are ways for first mothers to couch the discussion in a different way, so their families will have a greater likelihood of accepting the news (given some time to absorb it).<br /><br />I am guessing since first mothers often feel shame and guilt about having had premarital sex and getting pregnant and relinquishing a child that their shame is evident and comes across when outing themselves to family.<br /><br />Justinenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27607203979902438262012-09-30T11:55:36.733-04:002012-09-30T11:55:36.733-04:00Just to be clear, choosing the "Name/URL"...Just to be clear, <b>choosing the "Name/URL" option does not require that you have a URL, does not give us any more information, but makes it easier for all of us to keep track of who is who and who is saying what. </b><br /><br />You just put in a moniker you want to use here. That is actually a better option than signing a name in the body of the post, because when you collapse the comments at the top, you can easily find the latest comments, and whether Sally or Alicia or Lorraine or Jane is commenting.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58943253719637616992012-09-30T11:19:12.658-04:002012-09-30T11:19:12.658-04:00Caleigh asked: "Am I in that movie with Jack ...Caleigh asked: "Am I in that movie with Jack Nicholson, "One Flew Over the Coo-Coo's Nest?"<br /><br />I fear yes. Beehivenoreply@blogger.com