tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post4977482928994078434..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: How the daughter I gave up forever changed my lifeLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14063408448166853662012-03-17T21:28:41.045-04:002012-03-17T21:28:41.045-04:00Secondary infertility is real. I went though menop...Secondary infertility is real. I went though menopause at 38 after relinquishing my child for adoption. Can you imagine going though menopause at this age? I know in my heart that this was because of the adoption. I am lucky to have the opportunity to mother my eldest daughter and stepson who were born before the adoption. At the time I thought God was punishing me for the adoption, but in reality it was me punishing myself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30791573734782154642012-02-29T10:26:25.638-05:002012-02-29T10:26:25.638-05:00I still sometimes catch Catelynn and Tyler of MTV ...I still sometimes catch Catelynn and Tyler of MTV adoption fame. I saw an episode where they were arguing and Catelynn made a comment about the adoption of Carly but Tyler countered that the issue they were fighting about had nothing to do with that. Little do they know that this will be an ongoing problem.<br /><br />Us older mothers are now aware of how adoption colored so much of our lives. Catelynn and Tyler are just starting to see how adoption will forever stalk them.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17045231234766037712012-02-23T19:43:14.953-05:002012-02-23T19:43:14.953-05:00"When did I decide that I was never going to ..."When did I decide that I was never going to have another child, or more correctly, when I did I know that I never would?<br /><br />As soon as my daughter was born.<br /><br />I knew this in my bones. I didn't voice this to anyone,"<br /><br />I can definitely understand this thought. I went through that in the hospital - that moment when I knew I was never having another child......<br /><br />That is so hard for others to understand.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51018602385090635342012-02-22T20:28:21.385-05:002012-02-22T20:28:21.385-05:00Giving up a child leaves an indelible mark. For 16...Giving up a child leaves an indelible mark. For 16 years, while the birth of my relinquished son remained a secret, I told everyone I knew that I never wanted children. Then a magical couple of years ensued when everyone I knew was having babies. The coat of armor I'd grown over my heart revealed a small chink, and my 2 daughters were born. Even so, I too, am forever changed by the child I gave away.Denise Emanuel Clemenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10982725113569943337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19600878134847533322012-02-22T11:30:41.588-05:002012-02-22T11:30:41.588-05:00Lorraine, I'm another mother of loss who I am ...Lorraine, I'm another mother of loss who I am convinced suffered from secondary infertility. My ex-husband and I tried for years - he had 2 children from a previous marriage but it was suggested that since he had a varicosity in one testicle, he might have it corrected - just in case that was causing our inability to conceive. He did - that didn't work either. I read the Harvard Study back in the 1980's of characteristics of women who had lost a child to adoption where it was suggested that as many as 1/3 of mothers were unable even after trying to have another child. I would have loved having more and while I don't obsess about, is certainly a cause of regret in my life.Carolchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12983135296851385826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13529280031238151502012-02-21T15:07:16.067-05:002012-02-21T15:07:16.067-05:00Since we're "letting it all hang out"...Since we're "letting it all hang out" here, I'll say a few things, too. I hope it doesn't come back at me in the night or in cyberspace I've been told I'm "emotionally fragile" Ha After living with this for more than 30 years I'm as tough as nails. So, I was always immature for my age physically and emotionally I had maybe 3 or 4 periods by the time I was almost 19 When my mother picked me up from college one year she got worried when there were no pads in my college room and she started a conversation I don't need them So she took me to a doctor who's nurse yelled at me because "you look like you're 12" and I was almost 19(wish I had that problem now!) So he gave me some pills to jump-start my pituitary or hypothalamus or something in my brain. They were supposed to work in a few weeks. They didn't so back I went to college- and a year later they worked(I was almost 20) So, a few years later when I met my daughter's father and got pregnant I can still remember the way I felt-different. It's to painful to talk about surrendering her any more Fast forward a few years I met a wonderful man and we were together for 21 years but I never got pregnant again-I think in my case I'm just not that fertile and that was the only time in my life that I had the"window" Wel,I'm starting to feel like I said too much so I'll be back later. I'm going into witness protection for awhile.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50340656622381392452012-02-21T14:49:35.175-05:002012-02-21T14:49:35.175-05:00Like Anonymous 9:45 I lost my son because I was no...Like Anonymous 9:45 I lost my son because I was not married. I too finally married 18 yrs. later my best friend of 14 yrs. That's when I found out he had/has PTSD from 1967 Marine Corp. Purple Heart along with it's accompanying alcoholism, etc. We are quite the pair and the only thing that has saved us as a couple was that we were and can still be best friends when we work at it.karenhttp://www.lookslikeuptome.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72032327004132710062012-02-20T21:45:57.557-05:002012-02-20T21:45:57.557-05:00Being unmarried was the reason I lost my son. It ...Being unmarried was the reason I lost my son. It took me 19 years to fix that and nothing was getting in my way of becoming a mother once I bagged the man. He was an alcoholic mentally abusive man but hey, he made me a MRS.<br />Adoption Sucks!<br />RitaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6008190904694646972012-02-20T14:18:09.477-05:002012-02-20T14:18:09.477-05:00"I do not think the medical term "second..."I do not think the medical term "secondary infertility" should be used for mothers who, for whatever reason, chose not to have another child and took active steps to prevent pregnancy like having their tubes tied"<br /><br />@Maryanne, I totally agree. Women may choose to avoid pregancy for many reasons. This is not "secondary infertility."kittanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26307991322992772202012-02-20T06:51:08.174-05:002012-02-20T06:51:08.174-05:00I agree that surrendering mothers should be counse...I agree that surrendering mothers should be counseled that the child they are giving up might be their only child, not told as many of us were, "you can have others". Nobody knows that for sure.<br /><br />It is also true that giving up a child impacts on future childbearing choices. There are many of us who went the opposite route from never having another, to having a second child right away, or like anon5:56 had many children in an attempt to fill the void left by the first. No child replaces another, another thing that should be included in counseling for crisis pregnancies.<br /><br />I do not think the medical term "secondary infertility" should be used for mothers who, for whatever reason, chose not to have another child and took active steps to prevent pregnancy like having their tubes tied. They are not infertile, even if their choice was motivated by trauma or fear. Not wanting another child is not the same as being unable to have another, no matter how sad the reason.<br /><br />Mothers considering surrender should be made aware of the many problems others have encountered around childbearing choices in the future, not just the one of "secondary infertility" which I think is a fairly rare problem when strictly defined.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83413936577541772442012-02-20T05:48:10.947-05:002012-02-20T05:48:10.947-05:00Sorry,but since the topic of secondary infertility...Sorry,but since the topic of secondary infertility came up: the historical phenomenon of secondary infertility as a result of the more or less deliberate neglect of the child surrendering post-partum patient by medical personel, allowing fertility reducing complications to develop, is not known in the USA?Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84877015870888834872012-02-19T21:55:46.883-05:002012-02-19T21:55:46.883-05:00I asked an ob/gyn doctor for the definition of &qu...I asked an ob/gyn doctor for the definition of "secondary infertility" and was told that it is defined as the " physical inability to conceive and /or carry a child to term, after having given birth to a child."<br /><br />Women who choose not to try to become pregnant are not included in this definition. Many women are emotionally traumatized by relinquishment....to the point where they fear ever becoming pregnant again. This information should be part of the "counseling" that is provided to pregnant women who are "considering adoption".<br /><br />Although women may not actually be physically infertile, they may be emotionally unable to consider ever having another child.Some have had their "tubes tied." Others have even avoided relationships with men.kittanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69888793266965001602012-02-19T21:05:39.098-05:002012-02-19T21:05:39.098-05:00After my relinquished son, I believed I wouldn'...After my relinquished son, I believed I wouldn't have more children. Somewhere around 30 that changed, but I still held the secret suspicion in my heart that I wouldn't be able to conceive/carry another baby. Over the years since my son's birth, I've had a couple of miscarriages and one daughter, whose birth feels miraculous for all the other troubles. Parenting after relinquishing her brother, though, has been a complicated thing. Adoption does, indeed, color everything.Aimeehttp://hippycritical.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23781879022442208812012-02-19T17:56:52.295-05:002012-02-19T17:56:52.295-05:00I have 3 subsequent raised children. My "lost...I have 3 subsequent raised children. My "lost son" was born 12/18/59. I married and had my daughter 12/20/62. My second son and only "planned" child was conceived in December and born early at the end of August, 8/26/65.My last son was born 12/21/72.In therapy after reunion I realized I was subconsciously trying to "replace" the baby I lost. My children welcomed their older brother with open arms.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com