tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post527485980779998102..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: An adoptive mother asks "How can adoption be less horrific on first mothers?"Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26325631551604671012012-08-21T10:11:31.340-04:002012-08-21T10:11:31.340-04:00COMMENTS CLOSED. COMMENTS CLOSED. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46427603854926606402012-08-21T00:12:26.806-04:002012-08-21T00:12:26.806-04:00"As I say these things I feel the need to apo..."As I say these things I feel the need to apologize for my extreme cynicism. It is one of the lasting legacies of loosing my child to adoption 45 years ago... I AM bitter! I am bitter and angry! I wish it were not so. I wish I was a happy person. And I am sure you mean well, but your asking what can make it better AFTER the harm has been done, just reopens my wounds and pours salt in them."<br /><br />Myra it's not all about you! You have no right to attack this woman, who has done nothing but attempt to open lines of communication and have constructive dialogue. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55829623803709802552012-07-31T20:32:58.858-04:002012-07-31T20:32:58.858-04:00Mary ann said
"Yes, adoption is often a trag...Mary ann said<br /><br />"Yes, adoption is often a tragedy, except in those cases where it is preferable to a worse tragedy of being raised by people who do not want you. Our society does a very poor job altogether of caring for children in need of any sort.""<br /><br />Its a worse tradegy in that case when the orginal family is so horrible that the infant is at risk...yes, anyone would be happy to goet out of it but to know that you came from such horrid genes and the fact that another family has failed a child is tragic by all proportions.<br /><br />to the perosn who said they felt they were first choice is wonderful, to the person who patted her on the head and said what a good girl....and stated she was "healthy...does not make the rest of us "unhealthy that don't quite like being 2nd choice...there is not a personwheter it be mother or child that likes being 2n choice. I have accepted it as my reality and gone on but from a very young age, I KNEW i was not a good as being a bio child...does that make me immature? think not..more based in reality and not allowing myself to be told how to feel , or letting someone try to manipulate my feelings to allow someone else to feel better about their chioces that impacted my life. It has NOTHING to do with compassion for either of my mothers and everything to do with accepting myself. I am 54 years old...don't try to talk as if i am a child and need my head patted.<br /><br />And most of all i would NEVER want my mother to be miserable because she gave me away. I am GLAD she went one to live a moresecure life and had another child. Not only for her sake but for MINE! If i thought she went under the covers for the rest of heer life i would have blamed myself...not realistic i know but I know i would have felt it. the other thing i am grateful for (that dreaded word) is that she did not (genrally speaking) demand me to be anyone but who i was her daughter, but thedaughter or another. On some level she respected that. It may have hurt her but she never let me know it. she had lived a whole another life as did I and it could not be changed. On the flip side I did not accept her to come running for meeither, i expected her to be closer to her kept children..she knew then better! I have often said you can't go back and you can't....dpennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19219360012408838602012-07-31T15:34:37.980-04:002012-07-31T15:34:37.980-04:00Janet wrote:"We were cheated out of being who...Janet wrote:"We were cheated out of being who we should have been, together."<br /><br />What a great way to put it. Yes, even a good reunion can't repair all the damage that was done or give us back what we could have had.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27512954161644910702012-07-31T13:40:43.916-04:002012-07-31T13:40:43.916-04:00Janet, Robin, Victoria: I find your comments and a...Janet, Robin, Victoria: I find your comments and assumptions about my life ironic considering that I live in the house I grew up in, inherited from my parents on land which was once my grandfather's farm, took care of my elderly aunt and parents at home until they died, am third generation in this town. But I do not consider myself as part of a clan, and am closer to my three best friends from childhood than to any relative. Nobody is more valuable to me than my grown children, but they have their own lives and it is that generation whom I do not expect to take care of me in my old age. Nor do most people my age expect that from their kids.<br /><br />I personally find the idea of a clan stifling, not comforting, a web of obligations and expectations rather than freely given love. If that is how my surrendered son feels, I understand. But of course we are all different and lead different lives with divergent values.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14805236528374285102012-07-31T12:34:26.310-04:002012-07-31T12:34:26.310-04:00The hardware store in the town I live in is being ...The hardware store in the town I live in is being taken over by the third generation to run the place. Ditto with the old fashioned department store in town. <br /><br />My family on one side has just put up a Facebook page where everybody is sharing old pictures and even pictures of grave sites of our grandparents. My husband's family gets together for all major holidays and has big boisterous parties. I know several people who are taking care of parents.<br /><br />How clannish of us.Viktorianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57393657607695834432012-07-31T11:00:01.553-04:002012-07-31T11:00:01.553-04:00On topic.
In my case nothing can be done to undo a...On topic.<br />In my case nothing can be done to undo all the horror of losing my daughter to adoption. Not even a fantastic relationship that we now have. We were cheated out of being who we should have been, together.Janetnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78010900550022677332012-07-31T10:56:56.411-04:002012-07-31T10:56:56.411-04:00Well Maryanne...call me way out of date.
I live a...Well Maryanne...call me way out of date.<br /> I live and work on the family farm of over 100 years. I run the family business of over 64 years. I am part of a huge clan and consider each one an asset.<br /> My daughter which I lost to adoption and the daughter I raised have always been a huge asset to my life. Never once have I considered them a "financial liability". And when I go to my mothers house today to bring her groceries, drop off her clean clothes and pick up the dirty, make sure the housework is done and all meds have been taken I will consider myself a "nobody" doing something for the elderly.Janetnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27558921097743523282012-07-30T16:28:29.167-04:002012-07-30T16:28:29.167-04:00As a fellow adoptee, I didn't read anything in...As a fellow adoptee, I didn't read anything in Michele's first comment (7/27/12 10:28pm) that she wished her first mother to be unhappy or to have never moved on. First mothers and adoptees so often interpret things differently. It's no wonder there are so many problems in reunion.<br /><br />@Maryanne,<br />I disagree with you. I do consider myself a member of both of my clans and believe that each family member is valuable even if it is the 21st century. I do agree with you, however, that our society does a poor job of caring for children in need.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82768231400771807212012-07-30T11:35:09.769-04:002012-07-30T11:35:09.769-04:00Jan, that sounds like a very healthy attitude. We ...Jan, that sounds like a very healthy attitude. We can't change other people but we can change our own attitude and how we react to them and what they do. That is called being an adult. Congratulations on really growing up and showing compassion and empathy for others.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29364396926236242052012-07-30T08:51:23.065-04:002012-07-30T08:51:23.065-04:00I was second choice and I would never want my moth...I was second choice and I would never want my mother to be angry, miserable, or any other sad and depressed state of being. It's sick to wish that on someone. I wouldn't care if I was third choice! I'm first choice to myself and I like who I am. That's what matters.Jannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37583126673584293332012-07-29T23:21:43.690-04:002012-07-29T23:21:43.690-04:00Lori
Adoptees are often told their feelings are wr...Lori<br />Adoptees are often told their feelings are wrong. I've heard it all many times. Yes, my terrible anger is hurting everyone around me. I'm a monster. I don't want my mother to be happy. It's all my fault. You assume I cut my mom off, that's not really the case. It's very sad and complicated. I don't know how it feels to be a first mother and I won't tell you your feelings are wrong. You seem angry at adoptees who express pain. I've been blasted so hard by my natural family that your words seem almost kind. And I take care of my amom in her old age, despite never feeling like her child. She's 82 and lives with my family. I would take care of my other mother too, but she would be too unhappy. I bring back too many unhappy memories for her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55385331141030012362012-07-29T22:19:59.138-04:002012-07-29T22:19:59.138-04:00"Why would anyone want either their mother or..."Why would anyone want either their mother or their child to be miserable forever, and angry when they were not?"<br /><br />It's easy to ask this [rhetorical] question when you don't feel like you are second choice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5567690042791411342012-07-29T16:52:58.115-04:002012-07-29T16:52:58.115-04:00Robin, we have neither clans nor valuable family m...Robin, we have neither clans nor valuable family members any more, in our post-industrial society. Children are financially a liability, not an asset, to any family. Nobody supports the elderly in their old age any more, and few have farms or family businesses that need lots of laborers. There are emotional reasons to keep families together for the most part, but clans and value are no longer part of it.<br /><br />Yes, adoption is often a tragedy, except in those cases where it is preferable to a worse tragedy of being raised by people who do not want you. Our society does a very poor job altogether of caring for children in need of any sort.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49211258863260074332012-07-29T15:27:03.651-04:002012-07-29T15:27:03.651-04:00Adoption is based on words or rather a phrase...&q...Adoption is based on words or rather a phrase..."In the best interest of the child". But is it? In the U.S. at least, we seem to have a knee jerk reaction that any and all adoptions are in the child's best interest without doing any critical thinking as to whether or not this is actually true. Only those of us who have been run over by the adoption steamroller, first mothers and adoptees alike, know that in the majority of cases adoption is not in the child's best interest. That children who are being abused or neglected or foster children being bounced around from home to home without any stability or permanence need adoption. <br /><br />I see adoption as a tragedy. It means that something went terribly awry for a child to be tossed from his original clan and for a family to lose one of it's valuable members.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29270129683430437972012-07-28T12:14:07.910-04:002012-07-28T12:14:07.910-04:00I would like to summarize for my own info to get t...I would like to summarize for my own info to get this clear in my own head (What happened? I was going to make this short):<br /><br />Our esteemed FMF attorney, Jane Edwards, said, "The terms 'surrender' and 'relinquish' are not technically correct. Jane said:<br /><br />*Adoption agencies (public): use 'surrender.'<br /><br />*Adoption attorneys (private): use 'relinquish.' <br /><br />We all agree that (1)adoption agencies and (2)adoption lawyers make up the adoption machine or the adoption industry. Don't you think that these entrepreneurs and legal eagles stay awake nights conjuring up new and improved ways of doing business or they're UNEMPLOYED; we, all, want to eat and feed our families, first and foremost; hence:<br /><br />"An adoption plan" was invented by the adoption machine (all of the above people) because, as I stated in my previous comments, society-at-large is too stupid to comprehend the definitions of the above 2 verbs. "How can we make adoption more attractive? We, coercers, know that WORDS ARE EXTREMELY POWERFUL! WORDS SUBJUGATE & OPPRESS THE VULNERABLE!"<br /><br />When agencies go into business, they first seek attorneys (legal counsel) to tell them what's legal and what will work with a stupid society. How do we file the company papers? These agencies and attorneys together scoured the dictionary of legal terms and 1st used these words so it looks like single mothers abandoned their children, "So, go ahead, feel free to adopt the kids of another. No problems, no guilt. These kids were abandoned. Sleep good at night. Help us make our business flourish. You deserve kids, too. Don't worry about the promiscuous single mothers, they can always have more kids. Hey, you're ENTITLED to have kids, too! You followed the rules; you got married!" <br /><br />Now, in the 21st century, the adoption machine realized - <br /><br />EITHER:<br /><br />"Hey, our society is more STUPID than we thought. Let's not make it sound like the single moms abandoned their kids."<br /><br />OR<br /><br />"Hey, our society is getting more INTELLIGENT than we thought. Let's make it sound like the single moms made an adoption plan."<br /><br />"Let's make it look like, 'Hey, society of infertile couples! These vulnerable, poor, and/or sick moms actually made an adoption plan, they didn't abandon their kids at all, SINGLE MOMS WANT YOU TO TAKE THEIR KIDS! Sleep good at night. Help us make our business flourish. We want to get rich, too. There simply aren't any other jobs out there. Come on. Help us stay employed. Remember, these mothers are fertile, they can always have more kids. Don't feel guilty.'" <br /><br />While vulnerable single moms and their vulnerable families are trying to be good people, the shark-infested adoption industry is staying awake nights trying to figure out how to drum up more business (kids)! And they do this by way of words. How else can they do it? Advertising is done via words!<br /> <br />(I wish you "guys" would leave me alone - I have work to do! ha-ha)caleigh brookshttp://caleighbrookswatchingthewatchers.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16546688455909226292012-07-28T11:39:08.957-04:002012-07-28T11:39:08.957-04:00Lori said:"you seem angry and hurt that she d...Lori said:"you seem angry and hurt that she didn't stop living after you."<br /><br />Lori you are so right that is a self-defeating attitude in reunion. The fact that life went on for most mothers does not mean we do not forever love the child we did not get to raise. Having other children we did get to keep because circumstances changed is not disloyal to the surrendered one, but a sign that we were strong enough to carry on and live and have some joy even though grieving a loss that cannot be replaced.<br /><br />Why would anyone want either their mother or their child to be miserable forever, and angry when they were not?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45365445882397788512012-07-28T11:01:00.882-04:002012-07-28T11:01:00.882-04:00Michele-
I too wonder if this is how my daughter f...Michele-<br />I too wonder if this is how my daughter feels from the way she acts towards us (me and her half sibs). I think it was harder for HER to see me having a close relationship with the two I raised and she was more like a niece/cousin...really an outsider to our immediate family unit. Our communications now are spotty at best (she is 27) <br /><br />As for my side of it...of course seeing her helped MY mind BUT I still totally have the depth and feelings as you older first moms do. Surprising, probably because another lie the industry is selling is that it is easier to surrender your child that it use to be because you will know where he/she is. I have found out the hard way this just isnt so.Ronihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17840068585299914747noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6051305411942952862012-07-28T10:31:50.874-04:002012-07-28T10:31:50.874-04:00I don't advocate going back to the blind, clos...I don't advocate going back to the blind, closed adoption system. It is dangerous. As so many first mothers have said, it is devastating to not know where you child is or even if s/he is alive. And every child has the right to know who his or her natural parents and families are and needs to have an up-to-date medical history.<br /><br />With that said, I still think that open adoption presents a lot of painful pitfalls for the adoptee. The child, in most cases, wants to be raised by his natural parents and will still have a lot of pain over having been 'given away'.<br /><br />Also, I think the BSE was based on a whole lot of bullsh!t premises and I worry that a second BSE is right around the corner. What with the increasingly anti-abortion sentiments and the glorification of adoption. I worry that BSE II will be based on more bullsh!t premises such as that adoption is different now, it's open. You can know your child and your child can know you. I don't think that OA will really help much to get rid of all the negative aspects of adoption itself.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-79284990939286043382012-07-28T09:52:38.834-04:002012-07-28T09:52:38.834-04:00Language is very important. The words we use do re...Language is very important. The words we use do reflect our culture and affect our consciousness. Take that new show, She's having 'their' baby. I mean, how coercive can you get? No, she's not. She's having HER baby. The only way 'their' would apply is if the show was referring to the expectant mother and the natural father. And we all know the show is referring to the PAPs.<br /><br />Or how about "unwed mother"? Single mother is now the preferred term and it doesn't differentiate between divorced mothers and never married mothers. This certainly reflects society's greater acceptance of single motherhood. Although I realize there are some who would like to bring back the term "unwed mother" with all of the stigma and shame that implies.<br /><br />Or what about "co-parenting"? That's a relatively new term that reflects the large number of divorces and the fact that raising children separately is now considered normal and commonplace.<br /><br />Or "bachelorette". That's certainly an improvement over the judgmental and negative connotations of terms like old maid and spinster.<br /><br />I didn't know the precise legal definitions of surrender and relinquishment. I have used them interchangeably. This reminds me of foreign languages where translation refers to the written word while interpreting is spoken. Many laypeople (not laymen :) don't know this and use them interchangeably as well.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32741854106009311172012-07-28T03:11:44.402-04:002012-07-28T03:11:44.402-04:00Michelle, my daughter let me know she was happy I ...Michelle, my daughter let me know she was happy I had no other children. She was an only child and she was very loved - before adoption. I know she was an only child after adoption. The thing is, you seem angry and hurt that she didn't stop living after you.... for which I have sympathy, but not total understanding. I would have to consider, you aren't just hurting inside, you are hurting those around you.... it is hard to understand at times, but we react to everything in a negative way when we are hurting as bad as you seem to be.<br /><br />Maybe it would help you get peace if you tried to work out your issues with your mother...Cutting her out and off because of pain she can and does share (we totally hurt over things like not being the ones to hold and rock our babies)... it won't help either of you.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84417672323399802972012-07-28T00:41:22.569-04:002012-07-28T00:41:22.569-04:00http://forums.adoption.com/general-adoptive-parent...http://forums.adoption.com/general-adoptive-parent-support/406128-i-am-horrible-even-thinking.html probably not the right time or place to post this, but instead of trying to make first mom's lives easier, these aparents are hoping for us to give them another! Somethings gotta change, quick!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-280788884781478332012-07-28T00:32:59.356-04:002012-07-28T00:32:59.356-04:00Aww Michele :( That's what I wonder about my d...Aww Michele :( That's what I wonder about my daughter...did she/does she feel the way you describe? Her amom told us A would cry all the way home after visits with us. She would be somewhat depressed for a few days, but then she would get back to normal. I'm not so sure open adoption (infant adoption anyway) is in anyone's best interests...until I hear OVERWHELMING positive responses from the adoptees who were raised in fully open adoptions, I won't believe it. Yes, they know their heritage etc. but is it EMOTIONALLY healthy for them? It wasn't for my daughter.Amynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20712970824527584032012-07-27T22:31:32.444-04:002012-07-27T22:31:32.444-04:00Sorry, Caleigh, but the term recommended by the &q...Sorry, Caleigh, but the term recommended by the "Adoption Machine" is "make an adoption plan." You know--positive adoption language? First mothers seem to use "surrender" or "relinquish" quite openly. Adoption agencies generally don't.Fluffynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38751106536345374642012-07-27T22:28:56.784-04:002012-07-27T22:28:56.784-04:00I'm an adoptee in a closed adoption but I can ...I'm an adoptee in a closed adoption but I can imagine how painful an open adoption would have been for me. It would've been torture for me to have my mother visit and leave time and time again. Every time would have felt like abandonment. And to see her with her son would have been very hard. I have a terrible time seeing her care for her grandchild even today. To see my mother loving and caring for a child when she never took care of me still hurts. I don't visit anymore. My mother was married, but still coerced. My father and her circumstances convinced her she was unworthy to raise me. I wish she had kept me. My parents marriage was annulled months after I was born.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com