tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post5373657710355367507..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Approaching a natural mother without scaring her awayLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45980058809792560632015-05-12T23:43:17.111-04:002015-05-12T23:43:17.111-04:00you're welcome.
sending lots of hugs your wa...you're welcome. <br /><br />sending lots of hugs your way. and though it takes so very long for -us- to believe it..... we can be forgiven. ..and we -are- forgivable for the 'piece of responsibility pie' that is ours. believe it. have compassion on you and your 16 year old self. you're worth it.. and so is that 16 year old you. Cindy Aulabaughnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18348471558886627602015-05-07T21:31:19.922-04:002015-05-07T21:31:19.922-04:00Lorraine, thanks for responding! I read after hitt...Lorraine, thanks for responding! I read after hitting the "send" button that "anonymous" posts may not be posted, so I have just now checked in to see if it had been. I have Facebook to thank for allowing me to see what she looks like now and to see that I also have three beautiful grandchildren. I also know she has a good husband & employment...this makes me happy. But, I no longer 'try' to make contact, I realize she has no desire to know me....she has her life and it is good.<br /><br />It's still difficult to accept, but I will continue to love her by not intruding further<br /><br />sighs<br />anonymous aka ConnieConnie aka "red"noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47612653616654143942015-04-30T00:29:04.781-04:002015-04-30T00:29:04.781-04:00thank you cindy...thank you cindy...hyacynhnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-79754597207265737042015-04-29T18:43:21.413-04:002015-04-29T18:43:21.413-04:00taff, I just meant tell her you had a good life (o...taff, I just meant tell her you had a good life (of you did) rather than tell her how happy she made your adoptive mother or, god forbid, that you're happy you were adopted. What you've written here is the perfect thing to say to her. "I can't go the rest of my life not knowing and getting to know you as long as you are<br /> willing to meet me........"Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49028117468265406902015-04-29T18:24:28.927-04:002015-04-29T18:24:28.927-04:00Your last question is the saddest of them all. As ...Your last question is the saddest of them all. As they say in text slang and abbreviation: IDK. I don't know. You could write her and tell her the story but there is no way of knowing if she would respond. I know how much this hurts.<br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36585275933120661122015-04-29T17:26:38.300-04:002015-04-29T17:26:38.300-04:00Thank you Lorraine sometimes its nice just to read...Thank you Lorraine sometimes its nice just to read that. And also thank for the note of caution at the end (I'm getting better at reading between the lines)<br /><br />Jane I didn't say I had a good life..... But I don't want to go into detail of that here of all places. <br />Meeting my birth mother isn't about the detail of why I was adopted.... .it isn't about medical records ... It isn't about scratching an itch.... Or abandonment issues<br />I work in a job where I meet lots of people everyday I go into their homes and do my job..When I meet women of a certain age (approx my birth mums age) I wonder are you her are you my birth mother. And I can't go the rest of my life not knowing and getting to know her as long as she is willing to meet me.........taffnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24816914573834552052015-04-29T16:32:49.804-04:002015-04-29T16:32:49.804-04:00So, how to put this...I was married, had two child...So, how to put this...I was married, had two children...my husband & I split (not friendly at all), it was mostly MY fault the marriage failed. After he left me, I had NO income (late 60's)...his parents offered to take the two children that I alone could not support. I began hitting the bars heavy, I slept with many...I ended up preggers. I told everyone it was my soon to be ex-husbands. I had NO moral support from anyone, until my Mother finally convinced me to allow "Welfare" to help take care of me. I wasn't eating right, most times I wasn't eating at all. The Welfare placed me in a home that I felt abused and looked upon as a slave, mind you I was 22 years old being treated like an under-aged teen. My original plan of course was to KEEP my baby, I saw no other option, wanted nothing else but keeping the baby.<br /><br />Then came the time to give birth....I was blessed with a redhaired baby girl! I was so happy! Till my preacher came to visit :( He berated me for being 'selfish' wanting to keep a baby that was born out of wedlock. I found out many years later, he was acting on my own Mothers wishes & words. The hurt was devastating, but still I was determined to keep her. I had to check in with the Welfare dept. about a week later after the birth....the woman there "blathered at me" non-stop till crying I signed the papers. I HAVE REGRETTED IT TO THIS DAY!!<br /><br />Once I knew my baby girl was over 18, I hired a private person to find her, which she did and followed advice on writing to make first contact. It did not go well at all. My adopted daughter was angry (which I understood) & combatant and I ended up after one more try giving up till a few years ago now when I tried once more. I received NO reply at all.<br /><br />I "get" that some people do not wish to know one side or the other, but being 70 now, I just wanted to see her one time before I passed to try and really explain why 'she' was given up and not the other two who were older. Yes, that was one of her angry retorts to me.<br /><br />Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, I admit I have watched her from the sidelines without her knowing that I have her name & address. I'd never intrude without consent.<br /><br />How do I even begin to accept this? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9516063618285533582015-04-29T14:49:34.729-04:002015-04-29T14:49:34.729-04:00Taff, I'm pleased this forum is helpful. It...Taff, I'm pleased this forum is helpful. It's one of our goals. <br /><br />It's great to be able to tell your first mother you had a good life with a wonderful family. But stop there. Hearing about your adoptive mother's heart felt gratitude will be painful to her. She may feel that her only value to you was as a child bearer for your adoptive mother.<br /><br />Another thing I want to warn your about -- don't tell your first mother you just want information. This is most important -- Let your first mother know she is important to you for herself. In the process, of course, you can ask questions about health history, your father, the circumstances of your adoption, what ever you want to know. Down the road, you can tell her of your adoptive mother's gratitude if you wish but I doubt that that it will have a positive affect on your relationship. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28265188121603549702015-04-29T14:33:00.547-04:002015-04-29T14:33:00.547-04:00Taff, You are going to do just fine. You are takin...Taff, You are going to do just fine. You are taking the time to read and learn before--but if your mother is waiting for you...it will all go ...as well as it can. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5370323128645890952015-04-29T13:58:39.145-04:002015-04-29T13:58:39.145-04:00Lori and jayne I take your comments as the constr...Lori and jayne I take your comments as the constructive criticism they are. This is the problem withe the English language it is such a blunt tool for expressing exactly what you mean........<br /><br />I should have said.......<br /><br />I may say......<br /><br />Sorry I can't find the correct way of putting what I mean across without what I'm saying being misconstrued.................do you then say nothing??<br /><br />@ Jayne I don't think of myself a gift. I was trying to express a heart felt gratitude my Amother had that she was able to raise me and my sister as her own children when she couldn't have her own....... Regardless of the circumstances of my birth or my adoption........<br /><br />@cindy I as a man will never understand what it is like to feel the first stirings of life in my belly. I will never endure childbirth..I will never hold a baby and know I nurtured it inside me for the last 9months. But I can try and empathise and I mean TRY. <br /> I have never lost a child to adoption. I will never feel the hurt my mother felt... But I can TRY and empathise.. This is why I am reading and commenting on forums like this so I don't F%(£ up on the day I do meet her.........<br />taffnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1570663624187617642015-04-29T13:35:33.091-04:002015-04-29T13:35:33.091-04:00Lorraine, her profile is "not available"...Lorraine, her profile is "not available" ie - she is an adopter or a facilitator - and an asshat.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51361745278974748612015-04-29T11:46:05.712-04:002015-04-29T11:46:05.712-04:00Thanks, Lorraine. It is quite possible that she wa...Thanks, Lorraine. It is quite possible that she was lied to, like many others. I will never know. But, no matter what she was thinking when she left the hospital that day, she eventually DID get some kind of answer. She was tracked down in order to sign whatever affidavit she had to sign, so this thing could be finalized. At that time, at the very least, she was made aware of the fact that a couple was going to raise me. She didn't know them, nor they, her. But she did learn something about what happened to me.<br /><br />Almost 60 years later I still know nothing. There is no more isolating, miserable, depressing feeling in the world. If people knew, would they still do this? I would also like to believe they would not, but I think we are wrong. Adoptees are speaking out, first mothers are speaking out, and yet adoption is still marketed and portrayed as such a beautiful, win-win, warm and fuzzy thing and people are buying it. They don't want to know the reality of it. They just want babies.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83965027303380877782015-04-29T09:06:09.924-04:002015-04-29T09:06:09.924-04:00Catherine: I have the same question as Lori. You r...Catherine: I have the same question as Lori. You really sound... like a social worker at an adoption agency or an adoptive mother. But you are right, there is not one set way all people feel. However, despite everything and anything, all adopted people deserve to know who their natural mothers and fathers are, and at least one face to face. <br /><br />Some mothers are not necessarily in pain from giving up a child? <br /><br />What planet are you from? <br /><br />If such women exist, they are an anomaly. No matter what you have observed.Stay around are read a recent post about <a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2015/03/how-do-natural-mothers-fare.html" rel="nofollow">How do natural mothers fare?</a> Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69072174807627207182015-04-29T08:57:21.054-04:002015-04-29T08:57:21.054-04:00Thank you! I mostly read blogs and such on my phon...Thank you! I mostly read blogs and such on my phone, I think the "mobile" version of the site is different from the "desktop". In the mobile version there is no sidebar or search bar so I've made a note to check the site out on a lap top. Mashkanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-522493337712048372015-04-29T08:44:58.383-04:002015-04-29T08:44:58.383-04:00Mashka: YES. We have written a number of times abo...Mashka: YES. We have written a number of times about what we mothers do wrong upon reunion--I haven't had my coffee yet but Jane directly above lists a couple of previous blogs dealing with just those issues (I think--as I said, just tumbled out of bed...)<br />Take a look at: <a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2015/02/different-expectations-upon-mother-and.html" rel="nofollow">Different expectations upon mother and child reunion</a><br /><br />There are probably other posts that also deal with what not natural mothers ought not to do--Jane and I seem to have done some of them--just think of the words that might suit and search for them in the upper left corner in the blog search function. We have written more than a thousand posts! Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74285389731446654472015-04-29T08:36:26.294-04:002015-04-29T08:36:26.294-04:00Julia: Of course we can't know for sure, but ...Julia: Of course we can't know for sure, but it is highly likely your mother did not know that you were not being adopted by a well-off couple that same day she relinquished you. Your case is one of the truly sad ones because you can't find her and DNA yielded no connections. Women who relinquished were lied to on a regular basis and certainly still are today. A good story makes relinquishing easier; we can cling to knowing that at least she will be loved by two good people who will give her more than I can. That was drummed into us by society until we believed it. Unfortunately, it is the same today. <br /><br />But I ask you to consider that if your mother were to magically appear you might not feel so rejected as you do, and you might want to meet her, and at least get her side of what happened when you were born and why you were adopted. You have every right to be angry--considering how alone you are with your angst--your husband doesn't understand, your adoptive parents don't either--but you are angry with a phantom. Perhaps a real person would be different. <br /><br />When I read your comments I am so sad because it is so clear that you have been asked to bear the huge brunt of the real, terrible cost of being relinquished. If people knew, would they still do this? I want to believe, no. <br /><br />Many many hugs on this beautiful day. I know it is beautiful where you are too--since you are not that far from me. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85369432684162090372015-04-29T08:22:04.332-04:002015-04-29T08:22:04.332-04:00Lori: Hitting "Agree."Lori: Hitting "Agree." Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16274596893270078692015-04-29T04:24:38.452-04:002015-04-29T04:24:38.452-04:00Likewise for adoptees: some of us are in situation...Likewise for adoptees: some of us are in situations that are overwhelming without having to deal with a first mother who wants a meeting, or whatever. We are caring for aging a-parents. We are dealing with a-parent's insecurities, and the arguing and stress that goes with it. We have people around us who do not understand and do not help the situation. We have children who are missing half their lives, and who ask questions that we can't answer. And we have the laws and general public against us. Yes, I am very angry, about this whole miserable thing. And the older I get, the angrier I become. There is no room in my life for another person, no matter who she is.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61382698246426690672015-04-29T02:01:46.461-04:002015-04-29T02:01:46.461-04:00Taff, yes, do your mother a loving kindness (favor...Taff, yes, do your mother a loving kindness (favor) and don't ever say that. Unless you have a desire to completely crush her by stomping and grinding what's left of her very badly broken heart and spirit in the cement. You, nor many of society understands or sees (nor are they often willing to see) the grief that saturates their soul, often for the rest of their lives.<br /><br />Our children were not ''gifts'' to any one but us. Other people had different ideas about whom the "gifts" 'belonged' to.<br /><br />The grief or potential for grief you see in your adoptive mother is not a patch to what mothers of children lost to adoption have walked and are walking..... even when they keep it out of sight from others (or have been slammed down so many times and disallowed to grieve). Who truly lost their child? Who lost a living child? Who lost a child they wanted desperately? Who lost a child and ........someone else took that child away? Who told that mother they were not worth being a mother? Who told that mother that another mother is the 'real' mother of this child? Who told that MOTHER they were not a ****REAL***** mother? Adoption loss isn't like infertility. It isn't like miscarriage. It isn't like dreaming of and wanting a child desperately. It's like -all- of those and it is ALSO losing a wanted, living, breathing child, a beautiful, perfect, wonderful child....spirited away, and often, a child vanished into the entire world. Where are they? Are they ok? Help! somebody, please tell me ..is my ''baby'' ok.? Where is my baby? Why did you take my baby? Why is it this hard to understand? If a human being can have compassion and empathy upon those whose children are lost or disappear in ANY. OTHER. SITUATION... in the world....or the children don't come to be, due to infertility, why is it so incredibly difficult to comprehend the intensity, the overwhelming magnitude of the loss for many (if not most) mother's who have lost their child to adoption. For many of us- our only child.<br /><br />If someone had had the heart and compassion towards your mother.. and you, that you and other adoptees have towards your adoptive mother/parents, none of this would be an issue. For many of us. <br /><br />We do realize you love your adoptive parents... that is a beautiful thing. That (even though hard to accept that there are other parents of our -so often feels like stolen-child) is what we hope to find is so, that you have/had a good home and a family that loves/d you. That is how it should be for a much loved child. For all of our children. Missing and found. Cindy Aulabaughnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13106522959881810342015-04-29T00:29:35.615-04:002015-04-29T00:29:35.615-04:00Catherine, one question, not a judgement... Are yo...Catherine, one question, not a judgement... Are you a mother?Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82862025591053431742015-04-28T22:01:01.878-04:002015-04-28T22:01:01.878-04:00I think something else to keep in mind is that som...I think something else to keep in mind is that some people are stretched so far, having to deal with difficult current situations in life, that anything more is a terrible burden. Some mothers are not necessarily in pain from giving up a child; yes, some do get over this, but are in pain from other things happening in life, and just don't want to take on anymore, including a child given up years ago, and out of sight, out of mind. My close friend told me, she just can't take on one more thing, and hopes her child given up for adoptions does NOT show up. She's just tired and overwhelmed by life right now. Maybe later.. maybe never. There is not one set way people feel about anything. Catherinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11149885637140617891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5600058380133866922015-04-28T21:30:40.584-04:002015-04-28T21:30:40.584-04:00I wish I had read this before I was cornered into ...I wish I had read this before I was cornered into a meeting with my first/birth/biological/natural mother. (And I say cornered because she stated if I did not do a face to face she was going to my college graduation whether I wanted her to or not and sorry, that's MY day, the one I worked toward and I shouldn't have to deal with something this emotional on such an important day but I digress) I wish I would have known more about the inner turmoil, the anger, the rage from her and what not to say. I would have hedged my conversation more, been more vague about certain things. Have you ever written a blog on what not to say to the adoptee on reunion? That might have been helpful to her as well, sigh. Mashkanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46775976531103634712015-04-28T20:40:17.261-04:002015-04-28T20:40:17.261-04:00Let me echo what Lori wrote. Please do not think o...Let me echo what Lori wrote. Please do not think of yourself as a gift from your first mother.<br /><br />Here's a couple of posts we wrote on thanking first mothers that you may find helpful. http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2009/07/telling-your-birthmother-she-made-right.html and http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2009/07/thanking-your-birthmother-for-letting.html. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73706292630186906412015-04-28T20:25:07.296-04:002015-04-28T20:25:07.296-04:00Gail, thank you. To me it seems so logical and re...Gail, thank you. To me it seems so logical and reasonable to realize we are all in this shitty boat called adoption.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-68199431642710649452015-04-28T20:24:29.866-04:002015-04-28T20:24:29.866-04:00Taff, do your mother a favor don't ever say &q...Taff, do your mother a favor don't ever say "[I wanted to meet] the lady that gave so much to my adoptive family." to her - EVER. That is the most painful thing an adoptee can do - say how wonderful it was that their mother never had a chance to raise them. Sorry - just saying the truth.<br />Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.com