tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post5735525176380253487..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Hearing from the (birth) father of a relinquished childLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63571100819305471582017-09-01T23:56:53.721-04:002017-09-01T23:56:53.721-04:00An aunt found me. My bio father is a genius. Taugh...An aunt found me. My bio father is a genius. Taught at Oxford. Another example of an unnecessary adoption. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08692390478492894893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34762253723925817042014-10-13T08:41:13.215-04:002014-10-13T08:41:13.215-04:00I am not in touch with the "birth" fathe...I am not in touch with the "birth" father of my 2 gorgeous "birth" children. Both of them unplanned and his only input was to ask for an abortion. His parents and mines were the only ones who supported me with my sons pregnancy in 2008 and my daughters in 2012. I am still in touch with my kids and their "parents" and have an extremely open adoption where i see them as often as i want. Thanks to this relationship my parents and my exs parents have both met, held and bonded with my kids. He is missing out and he doesnt care, as far as i am concerned he is nothing to them, i just feel sorry for my kids, later they will have to deal with the fact that there "Birth" father didnt want them.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-75449359134356463292014-10-03T14:20:56.888-04:002014-10-03T14:20:56.888-04:00Mya: my first mother was 35. There was no reason, ...Mya: my first mother was 35. There was no reason, other than being forced, for her to have relinquished me. And every reader knows how my AP's behave. So you do not speak for me, either. Sadly, reunion never happened. Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50955084317846279102014-10-02T14:09:26.307-04:002014-10-02T14:09:26.307-04:00I've found that about 20 percent of first moth...I've found that about 20 percent of first mothers go on to marry the father of their lost child and have other children. When I was on the Board of Concerned United Birthparents several years ago, three out of 12 Board members had married the father. A fourth had continued the relationship with the father and had a second child with him which she kept. <br /><br />Couples in the BSE were often told that marrying sooner than planned because a baby was on the way would cause stress and the breakdown of the marriage. Better to give up the baby and marry when they were more mature, out of school, etc and have children later. Terrible advice.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17614184737268675712014-10-02T01:50:51.455-04:002014-10-02T01:50:51.455-04:00how about the many women in the Baby Scoop Era who...how about the many women in the Baby Scoop Era who ended up marrying the "baby daddy " although they relinquished the "illegitimate" baby? That is what happened in my husband's case. His birth mother relinquished him as his father had gone abroad without her... but he came back a year later, they married and promptly had his sister. Their mother named her the same name she had named him. they are less than two years apart. yes it's all very weird. They ended up parting ways later on. Sandra McKnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40185516451394301832014-10-02T00:23:26.112-04:002014-10-02T00:23:26.112-04:00Mya, you do not speak for me either. My first mom...Mya, you do not speak for me either. My first mom was 23 when she gave me away in the 70s. Not too young by a long shot. I had a reunion for nineteen years with her. She died recently. I was abused by my adoptive family. Knowing my first mom for so many years I feel like I really knew her. There was not any romanticizing done in my situation about how it would have been had she raised me. I know parts of it would have been awful because of some of the problems she had but I also know I would have been loved unconditionally. That kind of love was not present in my adoptive family. Just because your experience with your adoptive family was positive please don't assume other adoptees were as well.Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04635542862811033642noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85978886081515949472014-09-28T23:32:07.798-04:002014-09-28T23:32:07.798-04:00Actually, I have a loving relationship with my bpa...Actually, I have a loving relationship with my bparents. They have been accepted by my family ( hubby, me, our sons AND my afamily). Do I see them as my parents? No. But I do see them as two kind loving people who were faced with an unplanned pregnancy 46 years ago and did the best that they could. In regards to adoptees and romanticizing the "life they could have had with their bparents," I have heard many of them voice this opinion and I can't wrap "my" head around it, especially if they're from my generation ( born in the 50s, 60s and early 70s). Back then, to be an unwed mom was a disaster and the child was stigmatized! With no support ( especially if the bdad cutout), the bmom was left on her own and was ostracized which meant a rough road ahead for she and the baby.<br /><br />MyaAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00474706772888206301noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11713062358329088652014-09-28T18:23:59.387-04:002014-09-28T18:23:59.387-04:00Did you actually meet your natural parents or are ...Did you actually meet your natural parents or are you assuming you know their/your stories?<br /><br />You're wrong that most adoptees "romanticize" what life would have been like. Why would anyone want to do that? It makes reunion worse. I for one wish there had been a legitimate reason to be given to strangers.<br /><br />You strike me as angry and hurt by your natural family. I might not speak for YOU, but you most certainly do not speak for me. I've been in reunion for over 25 years, and there's not *one* good reason for my adoption. Just bad timing in history that the BSE was allowed to flourish.<br /><br />Adoption in all but a small minority is wrong. D.B.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91822002916612098902014-09-28T13:08:46.338-04:002014-09-28T13:08:46.338-04:00I know that is a direct quote from the article. bu...I know that is a direct quote from the article. but shouldn't it be "unwittingly"? "Unwillingly" means knowing that it would have a damaging effect, but doing it anyway. <br />Also, if kids are already relinquished or even actually abandoned adoption is a lesser evil than leaving them to float around in the foster care system.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54734733725375771802014-09-28T12:57:02.780-04:002014-09-28T12:57:02.780-04:00Anon: He was all these other things IRL--in every ...Anon: He was all these other things IRL--in every way except in dealing with our daughter. As I said, he was unable to handle emotional issues well. And you cannot discount the nearly impregnable force of his very Irish and VERY Catholic family. He was in a bad marriage, with kids, and he did leave-- only to be pulled back. I can understand the outside forces at play in our lives--which includes my going along with the adoption because I felt I had no choice. He also felt had had no choice. He left his wife. He went back to his children. He changed his job to one his wife liked better but found he was totally miserable. His kids got older; he quit his more remunerative but less satisfying job and went back to being a newspaper man; he called me and suggested we live together, get married, whatever I wanted. <br /><br />It was too late. <br /><br />A lengthy obituary at his newspaper speaks of the qualities I mention. Nothing is simple. Life is complicated. Our relationship, for want of a better phrase, felt star-crossed. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31369542037534910012014-09-28T07:35:48.900-04:002014-09-28T07:35:48.900-04:00"I reference to above, the Huff Post essay, t..."I reference to above, the Huff Post essay, this is the sentence that keeps me up at night and gives me stomach cramps if I think too much about it: " Did we unwillingly and naively traumatize our own kids just by the act of adopting them?" I ask myself this question about my daughter. The answer of course is yes."<br /><br />Michelle:<br /> <br />As an adoptee ( b. 1967) I beg to differ. My bparent were too young to take care of themselves much less a child and, because they had no family support ( my bfamily), they had no other choice BUT to place me. Am I bitter or traumatize? No, I am grateful that I have the aparents that I have that loves me "as if I were their own". I know not all adoptees feel this way, but I think they have a romanticize version of what growing up with their bfamily would be like instead of seeing the reality of it. Do I blame them? No, I do not especially if they grew up in an dysfunctional family. However, the same could have been said if they were raising with the bfamily as well. Long story short, the only one who should be blamed for "unwillingly and naively traumatize our own kids just by the act of adopting them?" are the bparents who signed the papers.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00474706772888206301noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14630622307242745862014-09-27T22:12:03.709-04:002014-09-27T22:12:03.709-04:00generous, intelligent, kind, honorable?
this per...generous, intelligent, kind, honorable? <br />this person had an affair and as a married woman impregnated a college student, did not marry you but let you surrender his and your baby, eventually got divorced and left that commitment, and ultimately refused to meet his daughter?<br />I don't seen generosity, intelligence, kindness or honor in these major life decisions. He sounds like well... a skunk. betrayed his wife, his girlfriend and his daughter.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53035981482065177022014-09-27T21:33:16.219-04:002014-09-27T21:33:16.219-04:00I reference to above, the Huff Post essay, this is...I reference to above, the Huff Post essay, this is the sentence that keeps me up at night and gives me stomach cramps if I think too much about it: " Did we unwillingly and naively traumatize our own kids just by the act of adopting them?" I ask myself this question about my daughter. The answer of course is yes. Michellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81302463564631290712014-09-26T18:14:04.331-04:002014-09-26T18:14:04.331-04:00Hi Barbara, I think you have written about this fr...Hi Barbara, I think you have written about this friend before, and I think it's wonderful. Makes me sad that I lost contact with my own beloved foster daughter after 7 years of a close relationship, but I am so happy for your friend and her foster son. <br /><br />And yes, my mom sounds young and full of life ever since this little boy became part of her family, while still retaining his first and only parents. I cannot wait to meet him in two weeks, all my mom does these days is talk about him! Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8787516691472298142014-09-26T16:47:44.449-04:002014-09-26T16:47:44.449-04:00This isn't meant for publication, but didn'...This isn't meant for publication, but didn't know if you ladies have seen this essay that mentions FMF?<br /><br />http://www.huffingtonpost.com/frank-ligtvoet/is-adoption-good-rick-war_b_5877852.html<br /><br />Keep up the awesome blog! Sunnyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13795973322596893070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48805992577005708462014-09-26T15:07:42.303-04:002014-09-26T15:07:42.303-04:00Jay - My friend took in a child from foster care a...Jay - My friend took in a child from foster care as an infant . His mother was able to get her act together (mostly) and get her son back. The baby is now a 16 year old and my friend went on to marry and have four children of her own. Her foster child is still a big part of her family, and of his family of birth. They have a very good relationship which has served her foster child well.<br />I'm so happy your mother told the parents NO!!! But yet is helping, being enriched, and enriching the life of the little guy!!Barbara Thavishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13646036820037271522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50692266069857062692014-09-26T01:26:10.937-04:002014-09-26T01:26:10.937-04:00The newsletters are public in the sense that they ...The newsletters are public in the sense that they were sent to many people but I could not find them on the agency's website. The agency put me on its mailing list about ten years ago. It took me off the mailing list several years ago after I wrote some critical comments about the agency on FMF. The articles to which I referred were written four or five years or so ago.<br /><br />I'm thinking that perhaps someone could Google adoption in Spanish. I suspect they would find several agencies soliciting Hispanic women to give up their babies. The advertisements would likely include a subtle message telling expectant mothers to be their own person and not listen to their mothers with their old world mind set and instead act "American." <br /><br />While on the subject of Hispanic attitudes to adoption. When I pregnant with the daughter I surrendered, I lived in an apartment hotel in San Francisco. I had a neighbor from Peru. He was horrified that I was giving away my baby. I thought of him as a backward immigrant who did not understand our advanced culture. Of course I came to realize how right he was.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52947418531104196472014-09-25T23:42:45.025-04:002014-09-25T23:42:45.025-04:00Jane, that's awful. Is the agency's newsl...Jane, that's awful. Is the agency's newsletter public? <br /><br />In one week, I will be traveling to my home country, India. I will be visiting an orphanage that my parents support. All I know about this orphanage is that they have very strict rules about placement for adoption. They do not do international adoptions at all, because they like to keep in close contact with the children and they want them to grow up in their home culture. Many end up staying in the orphanage through adulthood. <br /><br />I also will get to meet the 5 (almost 6) year old boy that my mom is helping raise. His mother asked my parents to adopt him because she thought he was too much to handle, but my mom instead suggested she help them take care of him. I love hearing the excitement in my mom's voice as she talks about first grade homework (it is weird that we each are taking care of first grade boys). After many health problems this year, this little boy brings her joy. And yet he is still with his parents too. Best solution ever.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39336798666849876442014-09-25T22:21:40.103-04:002014-09-25T22:21:40.103-04:00Yes, the idea of giving your baby to strangers is ...Yes, the idea of giving your baby to strangers is repugnant to many in the Hispanic community. To "remedy this problem" an adoption agency in Portland, Oregon has hired Spanish-speaking agents to spread the "benefits" of adoption to the Hispanic community. And they're having some success according to the agency's newsletter.<br /><br />Of course the primary motivation behind this "act of charity" is the shortage of Anglo babies to fulfill the dreams of those on its long waiting list.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37592797209998585142014-09-25T21:19:45.977-04:002014-09-25T21:19:45.977-04:00I want to add that I am sorry about at least two t...I want to add that I am sorry about at least two things - one, that so many of you felt pressured by the adoption industry and societal mores to relinquish your babies and two, that most if not all of you got no support from your families. <br /><br />I live in a community that has a Hispanic majority and, by and large, I have found that the extended families stick together and help raise the children. It is very, very rare that Hispanic children are placed for adoption in our county - or even end up in the foster system, for that matter. Maybe I should not generalize, but from my personal experience, I can't help but notice their supportive family network. <br /><br />One thing I have found among my friends and acquaintances in our local Hispanic community is their family structures are largely matriarchal. I have many acquaintances who, when they entered their 20s, had babies "because it is time to be a mother." If they had a husband or boyfriend, great - but if not, they managed somehow to go ahead with their plans anyway. It has never been clear to me who the fathers are of several of these children, but they are raised in a communal environment and look happy and well taken care of.<br /><br />It makes sense, to have children when you are younger and biologically more fertile, and you can do so when you feel that it is an accepted way of life and you will get the support to raise your child instead of being looked down upon for your choice. And lest you think they rely on welfare to raise their children, the answer is a resounding No. These young women are hard workers who spot for one another when it comes to child care and bring in good money to support their families.<br /><br />While it is always nice to have the support of a good man, I think many Caucasian and Asian (like mine) communities to this day carry a stigma of getting pregnant out of wedlock, which is why the families simply want the unwed mothers and their "problem" children to go away. We have a lot to learn (and a lot of children's futures to hold secure and close to their families) by looking at communities who support each other's children instead of trying to get rid of them through adoption.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87532256858388526272014-09-25T13:54:40.496-04:002014-09-25T13:54:40.496-04:00Being alone with our loss is the hallmark of our e...Being alone with our loss is the hallmark of our existence. Men, most men, are not willing to see that it is something you can't just let go of. My father had a big hand in what happened and attempted to make it all better when he was dying.... guilty conscience. He left me out in hell, alone, and yet he was one of the main forces behind putting me there.<br />Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63914095755019367952014-09-25T08:43:04.764-04:002014-09-25T08:43:04.764-04:00Thank you so much Jay.Thank you so much Jay.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78471533833328361052014-09-25T07:43:04.157-04:002014-09-25T07:43:04.157-04:00Gail: Yes, I have also concluded that first mother...Gail: Yes, I have also concluded that first mothers were very alone. As I pieced together what little information I could find regarding my first mother, that's the first thing that came to mind. My God.... she was so alone. Heartbreaking. And it was so unnecessary.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1787959754167458932014-09-24T22:59:04.188-04:002014-09-24T22:59:04.188-04:00Jay, thank you for your comment. I appreciate yo...Jay, thank you for your comment. I appreciate your voice on this forum. Speaking only for myself, I have never had anyone actually say something along the lines of , "I'm sorry about what happened to you." If I had to guess, I suspect that most first mothers are or were totally alone with their grief. We were supposed to just forget and move on as though nothing really bad happened.Gailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51576090901217659572014-09-24T18:10:08.304-04:002014-09-24T18:10:08.304-04:00This post and the comments are an intense collecti...This post and the comments are an intense collection of stories, true stories, of families torn asunder by adoption. Thank you all for your voices that I hope will help me understand and maybe try to lessen the burden of what my adopted son has lost. Every adoptive and prospective adoptive parent should read your stories to understand the all too important histories that their adopted children bring with them. To not acknowledge this is to not give them the love they deserve.<br /><br />It is so hard to read so many stories of children with great families, needlessly ending up in adoptive homes. It is mind boggling to me, how many children over the years have lost the opportunity to be raised by great parents. I see your empathy, your strength, your love, and that is all the proof I need to understand what your children missed. I truly am sorry.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.com