tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post5850856344342058352..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: How to Answer: Do you have any children? Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21117705985558762872013-04-21T08:19:09.637-04:002013-04-21T08:19:09.637-04:00Susan: Great answer!
I hope that it gives reade...Susan: Great answer! <br /><br />I hope that it gives readers a suggestion on how to handle the question. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18152436558863466672013-04-21T01:57:53.296-04:002013-04-21T01:57:53.296-04:00I am a birth Mom, reunited with son 2 years ago. ...I am a birth Mom, reunited with son 2 years ago. Prior to that I would answer the question "do you have any children?" by saying...."None that I know!" It was a truthful answer and usually got a laugh out of people, and they went on to the next subject. Disarm them with a short truthful sentence!Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91519429064910622632013-04-16T00:40:50.575-04:002013-04-16T00:40:50.575-04:00I HATE this question. I never have a gracious way ...I HATE this question. I never have a gracious way to answer it and not feel ashamed.Daughter Left Behindhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12642430160367513433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34884622675287085482013-04-12T18:49:04.851-04:002013-04-12T18:49:04.851-04:00Before reunion I didn't include Christopher in...Before reunion I didn't include Christopher in the count. Each time I said the -1 number though, my heart cried. Since reunion I proudly include him in my kid count and his kids in my grandkid count. Susiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15929169562563801608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49104590378143181662013-04-11T10:41:10.124-04:002013-04-11T10:41:10.124-04:00Here are two quotes for those whose surrendered ch...<br />Here are two quotes for those whose surrendered children were born in April. The first I associated with my son for many years when we had no connection. The second is more how I feel now, and especially with the picture of his cute dog sniffing the daffodils on his land. "The winter is over and gone....."<br /><br />maryanne<br /><br /><br />"APRIL is the cruelest month, breeding <br />Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing <br />Memory and desire, stirring <br />Dull roots with spring rain."<br /> --T.S. Eliot, "The Wasteland"<br /><br /> "For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; the flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land." <br /><br /> --Song of Solomon, The King James Bible maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67585637661640001062013-04-11T10:35:22.345-04:002013-04-11T10:35:22.345-04:00This is always a hard and painful question to get ...This is always a hard and painful question to get asked. Sometimes before going into a situation where I am going to meet new people I actually get anxiety over it and I pray no one asks me this! I consider myself to be fairly open about being a first mom, but unsure of how to reply to someone that I don't know very well when they respond to my answer. The awkward silences of no response at all are the worst. I am learning to be more selective with who I share, it is a difficult question for many reasons, mostly that people, in general, seem to be so uneducated about adoption and even when I do share, few are still open to learning something new, but I have found some that are.Deenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1439161719813000412013-04-10T21:27:02.816-04:002013-04-10T21:27:02.816-04:00My son's birthday is April 14, 1966 the most b... <br />My son's birthday is April 14, 1966 the most beautiful time of year. It is always the saddest too. I will be spending that day with him.<br />Its our day he says what a loving son.<br /><br />GaleMothernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67772870436018501472013-04-10T18:35:08.468-04:002013-04-10T18:35:08.468-04:00No, I was 1968, April 9, a couple days after Dr. K...No, I was 1968, April 9, a couple days after Dr. King was killed, then two months later Bobby Kennedy. An awful year altogether. One good thing came out of it though, my son:-) But for years the forsythia and daffodils were a sign of sadness for me. This year, Mike sent me pictures of their kitties and puppy including the puppy sniffing a daffodil, very cheery!<br /><br />I met Mike's father in early 1966 and thought it was true love.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41628148521906493182013-04-10T13:41:57.992-04:002013-04-10T13:41:57.992-04:00Marynne, my daughter's birthday was Friday. Ar...Marynne, my daughter's birthday was Friday. Are you also a 1966 mother? I can't remember.<br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87415388366546720642013-04-10T11:24:48.662-04:002013-04-10T11:24:48.662-04:00Maryanne: I know exactly what you mean. Before I f...Maryanne: I know exactly what you mean. Before I found Jane and had a reunion, I would answer, No. Then after reunion, I said, Yes, one. <br /><br />When she was not talking to me, I still said One, and nothing else, hoping whoever was asking would not ask anything further, as the One, without additional information does indicate: let's not talk about him/her. And I did not want to talk about it. <br /><br />Now that she has deceased, it is easy to say One, she died. Circumstances change our reaction to the question, but the general public would hardly guess that the question is such a trigger for a whole segment of the population, not only first mothers but those who are infertile and desperately want children.<br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74180422378361886752013-04-10T08:09:43.778-04:002013-04-10T08:09:43.778-04:00I used to find it harder to say I had four childre...I used to find it harder to say I had four children when my oldest son was not communicating with me and would waver back and forth between saying three or four. Now that we are in reunion it is always 4 sons and I can proudly include details about all of them.<br /><br />Yesterday was my oldest son's birthday, and it was the warmest day yet this year, fitting as he loves warmth and the outdoors and everything is blooming, and he likes his outdoor-related birthday gift:-)maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88503559611203856842013-04-09T18:29:48.853-04:002013-04-09T18:29:48.853-04:00Great thread as always! I can proudly say that my...Great thread as always! I can proudly say that my mom says she has 5 kids...although I can't say that she has always done so but she did tell most close friends and my half siblings. (I wasn't unveiled when I sent my letter to find her 20 yrs ago they all knew)<br /><br />I do,however, 'out' my husband all the time. He too is an adoptee in reunion, and I met him at an ALMA meeting in '94. (As a search assistant I offered to help find his dad - he thought I was offering more, lol!) So although its his story it is interwoven with mine so I tell it. I just feel bad that our daughters have to use a wall sized family tree for school projects! reneenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65032435549023550192013-04-09T12:15:42.304-04:002013-04-09T12:15:42.304-04:00Your blog hit home with me as it just happened to ...Your blog hit home with me as it just happened to me today when an ultrasound tech, who was working on my 84 year old mother, asked how many grandchildren I had. I said 5, even though it is really 6! My lost daughter (reunion gone wrong) who is 43 has a daughter she had when she was 16 and unmarried. Being 1987, she kept her. My granddaughter has cut ties as well. She is very smart and graduated from a prestigious college and grad school and is engaged. I have learned these details from stalking her on the Internet and FB! It is so painful. I worry that my daughter will die young also, as I don't believe she is well. I learned through my raised daughter that she has a debilitating disease, and she is a smoker. She doesn't even keep in contact with my r-daughter anymore which used to be somewhat comforting. I have reached out repeatedly but there is just silence.<br />Thank you, Lorraine, for the good work you do.Beckynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66233675876074402832013-04-08T22:43:58.095-04:002013-04-08T22:43:58.095-04:00Yikes, Lo! That was just wrong... I have never out...Yikes, Lo! That was just wrong... I have never outed anybody about anything. This is my friend, she is a birthmother, adoptive mother, adoptee. What does that have to do with anything? When I introduce a friend I met in a support group or anywhere otherwise connected to adoption, and people ask how we met/became friends, I always think of some other answer. It's their story to tell, not mine.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82080672093989684812013-04-08T21:21:44.996-04:002013-04-08T21:21:44.996-04:00These comments have reminded me of a situation onc...These comments have reminded me of a situation once where I was visiting someone and the hostess, an adoptive mother, introduced me as a "birth mother." I gotta say, I was floored and uncomfortable. Like I now had a Red Letter A on my breast. <br /><br />But like Skip the hearts...I sometimes am in a large group of people I do not know and wonder: are there any other first mothers here? Hey, I wish we could meet and talk sometimes. Most of the women my age who are my acquaintances and friends had abortions. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14580450222021619132013-04-08T20:51:02.444-04:002013-04-08T20:51:02.444-04:00Great post Lorraine....I "came out" in t...Great post Lorraine....I "came out" in the 80's, had always said "I have no children" but inside felt like a liar so I cautiously started saying "I have one daughter"; I couldn't deny her anymore. Now 43 years later my company had a 3 day weekend and my daughter came as my guest. At dinner the CEO asked her "Why do you call your mom Deb?" and she proudly said "We have a unique relationship" DO WE EVER! - she introduces me to her friends as her "tummy mummy" - and she has grown to love me. I am blessed. Daisyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01417272868972096826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22977454000477268402013-04-08T17:59:01.704-04:002013-04-08T17:59:01.704-04:00Excellent post, Lorraine! My long-time friends all...Excellent post, Lorraine! My long-time friends all knew about my son. When I met new people, I would say I didn't have any children, then if we became close I would tell them privately. Once I got married (my husband had a teenaged son), I'd say I have a stepson. I never wanted to answer questions in public. After my son and I reunited, I told EVERYONE! However, to this day, if I meet someone new and they ask, I say my husband and I each have a son.<br /><br />The book situation... Many of my friends will tell people that I am an author when they introduce me, and of course they ask what I wrote. I'm happy to talk about that now, but simply say, "it's a memoir about reuniting with the son I gave up for adoption when I was 19." I've had kinds of reactions, most positive, like "oh how wonderful that you found him." AND I'm amazed at how many will then spill their story, that they are also a birthmother or an adoptee (usually when they can talk to me privately). There's a lot of us out there!<br /><br />Thanks also for the plug for Second-Chance Mother! I'm looking forward to talking about it at the AAC Conference later this week.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7462007124058714402013-04-08T16:26:53.171-04:002013-04-08T16:26:53.171-04:00I am like you, Lorraine, in that I sometimes feel ...I am like you, Lorraine, in that I sometimes feel ok sharing and sometimes prefer to keep things private. I gauge the situation I am in. I have been asked casually by store clerks, for example, and feel no need to get into a lengthy discussion. I have found that casual friends I have shared some of my story with do not know how to respond and say little. Some never bring it up again. (As when someone has died, people do not know what to say and avoid saying anything.) It seems weird that they never enquire about my lost daughter following our initial discussion. Even my own family rarely enquire how my daughter is doing--how our relationship is going.<br /><br />I have been "outed" at times by the 2 kids I am raising, such as at school in front of friends' parents. They will casually mention their big sister, sometimes raising someone's eyebrows. I want them to feel free to mention their big sister. I have never wanted them to consider her a secret. But it can be uncomfortable being outed at a moment I am not feeling up to discussing the whole story. <br /><br />Barb, you are brave to be vocal about adoption coercion and dispelling adoption myths. I have found that even my own mother and siblings are wholly uninterested in hearing about adoption myths. They just want to live in head-in-sand land believing adoption is just wonderful. <br /><br />I sometimes wonder when I am out and about, "How many other first mothers are in this crowd?" I wish we had some sort of code--a special ribbon or button to wear that would alert other mothers, but not OUT us to the whole world. Skiptheheartsandflowersnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33405535286215186882013-04-08T16:14:07.549-04:002013-04-08T16:14:07.549-04:00I have the same conflicted feelings when asked tha...I have the same conflicted feelings when asked that question since my surrendered son is my only child. We were reunited when he was 21 years old and he is well into his 40's now, but still I feel like I need to skirt the issue when asked specific questions about him from people I don't know or in a social setting. I've been out and open since the mid 80's but just hate getting the questions about where is he, what does he do, etc. mostly because my son lives a very dysfunctional life. It's clearly my unresolved issues around the whole situation because I immediately assume strangers are going to think my surrendering hims is the cause of his many problems in life. I have no problem being open with people I know, but just weary of going there with those I don't. Thanks Lorraine...good convo about this topic.Carolchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12983135296851385826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24600705623368134562013-04-08T14:11:42.069-04:002013-04-08T14:11:42.069-04:00I would love to know how my mother answers the que...I would love to know how my mother answers the question.<br /><br />Since she's in the closet, I know she is not forthright with the answer.<br /><br />But, then again, in her mind, it may well be true. She doesn't really view me as hers.HDWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55723057710555814292013-04-08T11:41:08.636-04:002013-04-08T11:41:08.636-04:00I would agree with Barbara in that I don't wan...I would agree with Barbara in that I don't want my daughter to ever be a secret again. I am typically very open now when someone asks me about this, but I still get panicky and tense when I am asked this question. However, it still depends somewhat on the situation. If I'm talking to a complete stranger that I have no connection to, I might just say something like I have no children at home or my husband and I have no children. <br /><br />I had a situation recently where someone else decided to speak for me on this subject which was really ipsetting. I was out with a couple who know my story and another couple who were friends of theirs that I had not met before. The two women have young children and spent a lot of time talking <br />about them. After a bit, the woman I had not met before asked me if I had kids. I was going to go into the short version of my story - I have a daughter who was adopted by another family - but my friend cut me off and said that I had an adult child. It was very obvious that she did not want me to talk about adoption and perhaps she had her reasons (maybe she knew her friend would not be understanding of it) but it was completely insulting and unnecessary. It made me feel once again like I have something to hide or that my child is somehow less than theirs. And this was from a supposed friend!<br /><br />As usual, adoption ruins something that should be normal and natural.Eileenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08844593348284333670noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6100758080179264412013-04-08T11:34:30.482-04:002013-04-08T11:34:30.482-04:00Barbara:
The inclusion of children who died is p...Barbara: <br /><br />The inclusion of children who died is probably different for parents who had children die very young. Also, since I only had one child, and she did not die until she was in her forties, it is different from someone who loses a very young child and then goes on to have others. <br /><br />The truth is, I have talked about adoption so much in my life and mostly with strangers, yet I still get all embroiled emotionally and sweaty with rapid heart beat, etc. and so do avoid it at most social gatherings. It was the same with Florence Fisher. She simply tells people: It's a party, I don't talk about adoption at social gatherings. Because I am so Out, people assume I can and will talk about it all the time, but I won't. Also, I can't say I was "coerced" by my parents, since I wasn't, and so I shoulder more of the "choice" to give up a child, despite what I felt was no choice at all. <br /><br />You sound like you have this more under control than I do! A good thing. We do have to educate but we also have to take care of ourselves. It's a personal matter. As for your attitude, You Go Girl! I'd like to have you by my side when I feel I need to start explaining from the beginning.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72212868056089868272013-04-08T10:30:08.523-04:002013-04-08T10:30:08.523-04:00Soon after my daughter found me three and a half y...Soon after my daughter found me three and a half years ago, I mentioned to her that I called all of my aunts and uncles to let them know about my daughter. She was pleased to no longer be a secret.<br />That interaction has been my guiding light on answering the "do you have children?" question. It is always, yes I have three. <br />Most often I tear into a critique of coercion in adoption. How it was wrong then and it's wrong today. I have learned in these three years to not give people a whole lot of room to hang themselves. Early on I heard way to many comments like "You did the right thing". No I did not do the right thing! I was coerced into thinking that I wasn't good enough to raise my own daughter simply because I wasn't married. With the slightest level of support I could have raised my own daughter. I take control of the conversation dismissing adoption myth at every turn.<br />Frankly I really don't give a hoot what others think of me. What I really hope for is for them to think differently about adoption. <br />And then there are times, especially in business situations, where I have to tread lightly because I never know when I'll come upon a self entitled adoptive parent. Not to lump all adoptive parents together. Many adoptive parents like my friend Erin "get it" especially now that they can see the pain their adoptive children have been inflicted with by being given away. <br />Thanks for a great post, Lo. Many parents that have had children die don't mention them in the "How many children do you have?" question. They feel it's just too personal to talk about a deceased child to a stranger. That might be part of your reluctance to mention your daughter at every turn.Barbara Thavishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13646036820037271522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12330223389167447512013-04-08T05:49:23.685-04:002013-04-08T05:49:23.685-04:00Hi Lorraine, great post! I am an adoptee in reunio...Hi Lorraine, great post! I am an adoptee in reunion, and I am always curious to know what first mom's are thinking. <br /><br />I think as an adoptee I feel the same why as far as when I decide I want to participate in show and tell. It was not until I began writing/blogging about adoption that I became confident enough to speak about it. Confidence is key! Confidence also means healing in my book. You always have to be prepared for how people are going to react as you explained. <br /><br />You really drew me in when you said one might respond saying "she/he died". That really was an interesting way to think of it. I am sure it can feel that way at times. I would hate for anyone to think of it that way because what if there were hope that a first mom and child meet. <br /><br />You are right though, we have the right if and when we decide to share. People do not always seem get it. I try to share as much as possible because I think it always helps so one or educates someone about adoption. They get the TRUTH, not what they read in books or probably see on TV.<br /><br />Great post!! <br /><br />www.thenotsosecretlifeofanadoptee.com Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03582739516624421497noreply@blogger.com