tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post623215491267648759..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: HB 2904 is targeted at LDS Family Services! Absolutely UntrueLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2027867035221946492011-03-08T14:22:07.557-05:002011-03-08T14:22:07.557-05:00K, I don't know who you are talking about, but...K, I don't know who you are talking about, but it sounds personal. <br />As a bona fide Girl who Went Away (You can make that Sent Away, very much against my will), I wouldn't want to judge until I had heard the the particulars straight from the horse's mouth.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41075768179006105602011-03-06T17:04:12.346-05:002011-03-06T17:04:12.346-05:00I don't know if being married and hiding from ...I don't know if being married and hiding from your family because you don't want their support can really be counted as BSE. I could be wrong but am pretty sure that saying it's BSE is a slap in the face to the mothers who really did go through that.K.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83402029725155410772011-03-05T09:46:59.263-05:002011-03-05T09:46:59.263-05:00Jane,
Your daughter is a beautiful girl. Even tho...Jane,<br /> Your daughter is a beautiful girl. Even though the two of you may not have the same view on adoption issues, you have to be proud of her for standing up for what she believes in. Maybe a little like her Mom!<br />As an aside my daughter was to be named Megan, but of course it didn't appear on her birth certificate. <br /><br /><br />I do believe that 38 days is not long enough for an informed decision. Those of us who have given birth, no matter what the circumstances, must agree that you are not back to pre-pregnancy mentally or physically in 38 days. If the birth or pregancy had any difficulty at all it could take months. We owe it to those who are going through adoption now or in the future to understand how it has been a huge part of our lives many, many years later. There is no forgetting.tryingtohealnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60995110489298730312011-03-05T07:06:36.052-05:002011-03-05T07:06:36.052-05:00re:what Joy 5:56 wrote:
Any woman who has definit...re:what Joy 5:56 wrote:<br /><br />Any woman who has definitely made up her mind to relinquish will not be hurt by this bill. In the end she will still make the same decision albeit a few days later.<br /><br />But it could be of enormous benefit to those women and girls who are unsure, feeling scared and/or coerced and to their babies.<br /><br /><br />As for abortion, for some women abortion is simply not an option. I do feel very sorry though for any child who finds that his first mother just didn't want him. That must be devastating.<br /><br />Lorraine wrote:<br />"Personally, I think the eight days is not nearly enough time for such a life-changing decision."<br /><br />100% agreed. I think it was Tryingtoheal who wrote on another comment that she felt 6 months was a better time frame. I agree but know that is unrealistic in this culture.<br /><br />P.S. Nice to see a picture of Megan. She's an attractive woman and I see quite a resemblance.<br /><br />@Lorraine,<br />Would you have a picture of Jane as an adult that it would be okay to put up?Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20139174436541577982011-03-04T16:03:48.131-05:002011-03-04T16:03:48.131-05:00Jane,thank you for your tireless efforts to bring ...Jane,thank you for your tireless efforts to bring change that is,in my opinion,desperately needed Before I started searching for my son and met other firstmothers and adopted people, I was virtually clueless about how adopted people felt. It took a lot of listening and time and I'm still learning, but maybe you and Meghan could write a column together once in awhile I think it might help a lot of people who read this blogAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50293923020726712022011-03-04T13:13:39.749-05:002011-03-04T13:13:39.749-05:00With regards to "choice", whatever that ...With regards to "choice", whatever that is, the UK adoption protocol makes provision for for women who are determined to place their child earlier:<br /> "If you wish your baby to be placed for adoption under six weeks of age you can agree with your social worker that this should happen and you will be asked to sign a written agreement. Your social worker will make regular visits to the child to check everything is going well and offer support. You will be kept up to date with your child’s progress."<br />Presumable this means the child can under some circumstances be placed from birth, or at least shortly after, in which case the law allows for that, as well as for a woman to have a decent amount of time to decide after the birth if she needs it - which IMO most do and deserve.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6959646592134229532011-03-04T12:49:51.859-05:002011-03-04T12:49:51.859-05:00oh, I should have clarified, I didn't mean you...oh, I should have clarified, I didn't mean your blog about the adoptees, I mean all the blogs by mothers who have relinquished in the last 20 years or so. They do not want to hear about adoptees for sure. They just want to hear the syrupy amoms and how they "lurve" their children. It is really weird. <br /><br />JoyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-68607428853080943112011-03-04T11:34:55.762-05:002011-03-04T11:34:55.762-05:00Dear Flabergasted:
We get blasted like mad by ot...Dear Flabergasted: <br /><br />We get blasted like mad by other first mothers and adoptees if we don't publish THEIR comments, we get blasted for publishing THOSE COMMENTS they find offensive; and we have NOT PUBLISHED the more personal and negative comments we have received about Desha Wood. Nor have we gone into her story as we do not know her story other than she is a first-mother-adoption-advocate-opposed-to-first-mother-friendly-legislation in Oregon. <br /><br />Yes, Tamra, I am a feminist but women should not be allowed to sign over their babies--for their own and their babies sake--in the hospital and need a little breathing room. This is not the same as being made to wait 48 or 72 hours before obtaining an abortion, which causes unnecessary expense to many poor women in those states where abortions are difficult to obtain. <br /><br />Although we know that many highly offensive comments about Jane were allowed to stand on Mrs. r's Facebook page, FURTHER COMMENTS THAT MENTION DESHA OR MRS. R (good or bad) WILL NOT BE PUBLISHED. As we do not have the capacity to edit the comments, the whole comment will be rejected.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-70697568921280095092011-03-04T10:36:50.638-05:002011-03-04T10:36:50.638-05:00Did anonymous at 5:56 really just say that it woul...Did anonymous at 5:56 really just say that it would have been better for Desha to abort her child than to place him for adoption? Wow. I'm sure her son is happy that she gave him life. Now, I've never met Desha, but I guess it's easier to just assume the worst about people. I ran across her YouTube video of her adoption and it is very evident that she loves him. She didn't feel like she had the resources available to her to provide for him. You might not agree with her reasons, but that doesn't mean you have the right to say she doesn't love her child. <br /><br />Wow, just wow. <br /><br />To Jane and Lorraine: I can't believe you allow these hateful personal attacks to be published just because you disagree with someone (i.e. Desha). It does nothing to change the hearts and minds of someone like me who might actually be on your side.Flabbergastednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38432236631266885142011-03-04T10:35:48.663-05:002011-03-04T10:35:48.663-05:00I'm totally behind Jane and Lorraine! Thanks ...I'm totally behind Jane and Lorraine! Thanks for this great blog and continued efforts on legislative issues. And thanks to all the other blogging mothers and adoptees - your voices are being heard.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90368200002712124762011-03-04T10:27:28.964-05:002011-03-04T10:27:28.964-05:00Lorraine said: Personally, I think the eight days...Lorraine said: Personally, I think the eight days is not nearly enough time for such a life-changing decision. <br /><br />You're right. That is your own personal opinion. You can't force other women into making the choices you want them to make. You say you're a a feminist. One of the tenants of feminism is allowing all women the choice to do what they believe is best for themselves. But you believe feminism is making every woman choose your choice. <br /><br />Currently in the state of Oregon if a birthmother wants to wait 8 days to place for adoption she can. Under your proposed law you would force them to wait. <br /><br />Certainly I believe women need and deserve all the time in the world they need to make a choice as significant as choosing adoption for their child. But I don't believe the law has the right to dictate how many days, weeks, or months that is for each woman. I'm tired of the government making laws over my body, my uterus, my reproduction, and my life.Tamranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14325638164248418562011-03-04T10:03:09.764-05:002011-03-04T10:03:09.764-05:00""Her attitude seems to be, Well, I didn...""Her attitude seems to be, Well, I didn't want more time before I sign away my baby, so I'm going to make sure nobody else does either. As for those who are illegally coerced or do so with an intent to fraud--fuck 'em! She is no different from adoptees who do not want his/her original birth records, and then actively lobby, write letters, etc. against others having them.""<br /><br />Lorraine, well said! I couldn't agree with your more..Chrisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1703344848923693892011-03-04T09:45:06.377-05:002011-03-04T09:45:06.377-05:00Joy..uh, have you ever taken a look at our blog li...Joy..uh, have you ever taken a look at our blog list--I know, it's way at the bottom of the side bar but I think it links to at least if not more sites by adoptees than other first mothers. I'm going to make it a separate page later today. <br /><br /> And were we talking about birth-mother-adoption-advocate, (as she is called by some adoptive parents) Desha Wood in the way that you indicate? I think not. We knew nothing about the woman, had never heard of the woman, until we got involved in creating more first mother-friendly legislation in Oregon. Then she stepped forward apparently to oppose it. And so did the Church of the Latter-Day Saints, LDS. <br /><br /> Whether or not she wants to raise her children is not the point; she (and the quasi-official LDS Family Services, or the official LDS, not sure which) seems determined to make sure that other mothers who are going to relinquish do not have a reasonable time after delivery and protections, and I think that is despicable. Personally, I think the eight days is not nearly enough time for such a life-changing decision. <br /><br />Her attitude seems to be, Well, I didn't want more time before I sign away my baby, so I'm going to make sure nobody else does either. As for those who are illegally coerced or do so with an intent to fraud--fuck 'em! She is no different from adoptees who do not want his/her original birth records, and then actively lobby, write letters, etc. against others having them.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22320837211335149512011-03-04T05:56:01.275-05:002011-03-04T05:56:01.275-05:00I just want to make one comment about the intervie...I just want to make one comment about the interview with the Desha Wood. I have read her story elsewhere, while I don't know her intimately, I believe what she says. She was very enfranchised and very much did not want to raise her child. She was not young or helpless but very in charge of what happened to her. <br /><br />She simply did not want to raise her child. No one should be forced to raise a child for sure. It is sad to me as an adoptee and a mother that she feels this way, but she does. I don't pretend to understand it, but if we are to believe many of these present day mothers who give their children away, and I can see no reason not to, they don't want their children. No child should be forced to live that life. Of course I think those women should take advantage of abortion access, I mean what a burden to place on a child. Again I am an adoptee and my opinion is not valued. <br /><br />Look at any "birthmother" or "adoptive mother" blog and you will notice they link to each other and never to adoptees. We are the ciphers in all of this except for the occasional "old grandma" blogs like FMF, where we are expected to believe that experience is worthlses. I mysself as an adoptee, am older than many of the adoptive moms who have figured out a way to sever that cord 'nicely'<br /><br />Or the happy birthmothers who wanted to give away their children. Idk, I never wanted to give away my child. <br /><br />Anyway the point I am making about the Desha Wood type, is I really do believe she knows her mind and really dosen't want her child. I can see why she doesn't want counseling. Of course that doesn't account for other mothers who are confused, perhaps young, perhaps love their child. There is a disconnect. How do you account for both types, those that really should be informed and those that could care less? Why should those that care less be forced to understand what they are doing? I mean not all women care about their children. <br /><br />JoyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90812061338620509642011-03-03T18:23:30.962-05:002011-03-03T18:23:30.962-05:00I want to thank everybody for the supportive messa...I want to thank everybody for the supportive messages.<br /><br />Thank you, thank you. I could not continue without knowing that you are behind me.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56090575936547415202011-03-03T18:14:45.582-05:002011-03-03T18:14:45.582-05:00Wow Jane, your daughter does indeed resemble you a...Wow Jane, your daughter does indeed resemble you and this is a compliment. <br /> Even though I am a stranger to you, I admire you and the work you've done from afar. As a firstmom from the BSE, I've learned a lot from the fmf So I want you to know that I am sorry to learn of this most recent chain of events. Perhaps down the line, some good will come from it.<br />I hope you find some small degree of comfort in knowing that you're not alone. As Lori stated, "The betrayal of a mother by her child is not all that uncommon." From the research I have done, it appears that she is right.<br /><br />GailGailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6911493094594140182011-03-03T16:37:20.351-05:002011-03-03T16:37:20.351-05:00I was immediately struck by Megan's resemblanc...I was immediately struck by Megan's resemblance to you, Jane. I am sorry about the discord between you, but it sounds like you have a strong relationship.Jenn Sivahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07106499855129183524noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16234124033937968122011-03-03T13:39:04.235-05:002011-03-03T13:39:04.235-05:00Megan is a lovely girl and I am glad you can agree...Megan is a lovely girl and I am glad you can agree to overcome any differences you might have and embrace the Mother/Daughter relationship. I doubt that many Mothers and Daughters agree 100% of the time but we always know our lives are forever connected through the fact that our Mother gave us life:~)) I am glad Megan and you have shared the email and can get back to healing.Keep the people out who try to divide you and drive a wedge between you on this Lindsey person's blog/facebook or whatever. JMOAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71788245988102770132011-03-03T12:56:28.744-05:002011-03-03T12:56:28.744-05:00Part four:
Will I see my child again?
Once you h...Part four:<br /><br />Will I see my child again? <br />Once you have given consent to the child being placed with prospective adopters it may be possible to have contact with your child through arrangement with the adoption agency or by <br />getting a court order but you will not have an automatic right to contact. You will have a right to apply to the court for an order for contact with your child at any time until the adoption <br />order is granted. Adoption can sometimes involve continuing contact between the birth parents and the adoptive family, either face to face or by letter. <br /> The agency will usually try to find a family for your child who are happy with having the sort of contact that you would like, as long as this is also in your child’s best interests, although it <br />would not be usual for a very young child to have face to face contact with his/her birth parents on an on-going basis. The contact you have with your child may change over time depending on the child’s needs. <br /> <br />Can I keep it a secret? <br />Adoptive parents are advised to tell children from an early age that they are adopted. As they grow up, most adopted people are curious to know something about their background. <br />Adopted people can obtain their original birth certificate when they are 18 years old (16 in Scotland), and if you were registered as a parent, your name will be on the certificate. <br /> Using that information the adopted person could try to trace you. There are special post-adoption counsellors in local authorities and voluntary organizations who can discuss your particular situation with you. There are adoption contact registers covering England and Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland to facilitate contact between adult adopted people and their birth relatives. <br /> <br />Making the decision. <br />The decision you make about your baby’s future is so important that you should not be tempted to rush into it. Get all the advice you can before you make up your mind. You need to be sure that you are doing the best for your child so that you will feel comfortable that your decision was a responsible and caring one. <br /> <br />Will I get support? <br />You will be encouraged to see a counsellor to assist you in making your decision but there are also services available for birth parents after their child has been adopted. <br />Agencies such as ‘After Adoption’ provide support groups and workers who know a lot about adoption. You can ask the social worker for details about this and other support services <br />available. Local authorities also provide support to every-one involved in adoption throughout a child’s childhood and beyond. They will be there to assist if any difficulties arise in relation to contact with your child of if you have any queries at all. <br /> <br />Can I contact my child again when they become an adult? <br />You can request an adoption support agency or a local authority or voluntary adoption agency to act as an intermediary for you once your child becomes an adult. They will have a <br />responsibility to make an attempt to contact your child on your behalf. There may be circumstances which mean it is not appropriate to do this and contact would only be re- established if it is what the adopted adult wants.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45438366263138391502011-03-03T12:55:20.516-05:002011-03-03T12:55:20.516-05:00Part three:
What happens after my baby is born?
...Part three:<br /><br />What happens after my baby is born? <br />Before you leave the hospital you will be asked to sign a form to agree to your child going to foster carers (this is not a consent form for adoption). In most cases the baby will be looked <br />after by a temporary foster carer until you sign consent to placement for adoption when your child is six weeks old. If you wish your baby to be placed for adoption under six weeks of age you can agree with your social worker that this should happen and you will be asked to sign a written agreement. Your social worker will make regular visits to the child to check <br />everything is going well and offer support. You will be kept up to date with your child’s progress. <br /> <br />When your baby is at least six weeks old. <br />The social worker will arrange for you to be interviewed by a Cafcass practitioner who will make sure that you understand what adoption involves, they will ask you to sign a formal <br />document consenting to your child’s placement for adoption and you may also give advance consent to an adoption order being made when the adopters apply for it. <br />You can, if you wish, be involved in the process of deciding what kind of family your child should grow up with and with putting together a record of your family for your child. This is <br />really important for your child to have for the future. <br /> Once the child has been placed with adopters and has lived with them for 10 weeks they can apply for an adoption order. If you wish to oppose the making of the adoption order you will need to ask the court for permission to do so. The agency will provide a report to the court about the child’s circumstances, and if the court is satisfied that an adoption order is in the <br />best interests of the child then an adoption order will be granted. <br />You will be notified about the adoption application and when and where it will be heard unless you request specifically not to be told. <br /> <br />Can I arrange the adoption myself? <br />No, unless you place your child with a close relative. To protect the child, all other adoptions must be arranged by an approved adoption agency, which can make full enquiries about the new parents. The courts must grant all adoptions orders. <br /> <br />What if I change my mind? <br />Once you have signed your consent to your child’s placement for adoption your right to change your mind will be limited and may be lost altogether. You will be able to withdraw <br />your consent at any time until the people who want to adopt your child start an adoption application in the court. If you do withdraw your consent and want your child to be returned you will need to notify the adoption agency that you have changed your mind. However it will not be automatic that your child will be returned to you. <br />If the adoption agency has not placed your child with prospective adopters and agrees that your child should be returned to you they will return the child within seven days. If they have <br />already placed the child with prospective adopters and they agree that your child should be returned to you they will return the child within fourteen days. <br />However if the adoption agency considers that your child ought still to be adopted they will have to apply for a placement order and the court will decide whether your child should be <br />returned to you. <br /> When the people who want to adopt your child have made an application to the court for an adoption order you will not be able to ask for your child to be returned. Unless you have said that you do not wish to be informed you will be told when they make their application but you will have to ask the court for permission to oppose the application. You will have to show the court that there has been a change of circumstances since you gave your consent to your child being placed for adoption and that permission to oppose is in your child’s best interestsAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29288374426445116322011-03-03T12:52:59.987-05:002011-03-03T12:52:59.987-05:00Part Two
How is an adoption arranged?
If you dec...Part Two<br /><br />How is an adoption arranged? <br />If you decide that adoption is right for your child or just want some help with considering it further, a social worker or other adoption worker will spend some time with you to help you <br />with your decision. You will, in due course, need to give some personal information about yourself, your family and your family’s health, for the adopters to be able to share with the child as s/he grows up. Preparations for the adoption can begin before your child is born, however, nothing will be definitely arranged until after the birth. You will be free to change your mind up until the time when you sign consent to placement of your child for adoption <br /> <br />Must the father of the baby give his permission? It is very important for children to grow up having information about both their parents therefore the adoption agency will ask you about the father of the child. If the father of your child does not have parental responsibility his permission for your child to be placed for adoption is not necessary. The social worker will need to contact him, if considered appropriate, as the adoption agency will want some information about the father’s health, family and medical history so they can pass it on to the adopters and the child. If you are married but your husband isn’t the father, the law will still consider your husband the legal father unless he has signed a declaration otherwise. In this case your husband’s consent to placement for adoption is necessary. The adoption agency will also want, if possible, some information on the birth father so they can pass it on to the adopters and the child. The baby’s father may not agree with your adoption plan and may want to bring up the child himself or within his own family, if this is the case the adoption agency and the court will need to know about it. If you and he are unable to agree the court will have to decide whether it thinks adoption or a life with the father is likely to be best for the child in the long term. <br /> <br />What sort of people will adopt my child? <br />The social worker will discuss with you the kind of family you want your child to grow up in. The greatest care will be taken to find a family who will give a safe and loving home to your <br />child. You should talk to the social worker about the possibility of meeting the family, if you want to, or about other sorts of contact such as exchanging letters and photographs.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88229864409146189542011-03-03T12:51:00.234-05:002011-03-03T12:51:00.234-05:00It is lovely to see Megan and her resemblance to y...It is lovely to see Megan and her resemblance to you Jane. I too hope that things can be mended for you two. <br /><br />My mother and I have had disagreements before on the net. While not pleasant, def. not the end of the world and sometimes some important infomration was exchanged.<br /><br />JoyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23889884342606252452011-03-03T12:50:55.941-05:002011-03-03T12:50:55.941-05:00This is a good bill. I support it. I wish it could...This is a good bill. I support it. I wish it could go further, but given the American adoption system/machine, it is an eminently reasonable and realistic proposal which if enacted into legislation would give much-needed added protection to protect women in crisis pregnancies, their children - and also to adoptive parents. I posted the link to the UK protocol in a comment to an earlier blog, but I think it might be useful to post the information for birth parents here (in parts, because of size), so that people can see for themselves how comparatively conservative Jane's bill really is.<br />http://www.proceduresonline.com/wakefield/<br />childcare/pdfs/<br />RelinquishedChildrenProtocolAug07.pdf<br /><br /> INFORMATION FOR BIRTH PARENTS Part one:<br /> <br />What exactly is adoption? <br />Adoption is a way of providing a child with new legal parents. It ends the legal relationship between the child and the birth parents and establishes a new one with the adoptive parents. Adoptions are arranged by adoption agencies but are made legally binding by the granting of adoption orders. Once granted an adoption order is final and cannot be over turned. <br /> <br />How do I find out about adoption? <br />It is a good idea to get advice as soon as possible. You can get this advice from: <br />Social workers from the Social Services Department of your local authority. <br />A voluntary adoption agency. <br />Hospital social workers who work with maternity clinics.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66210602515029586042011-03-03T12:46:09.945-05:002011-03-03T12:46:09.945-05:00Thanks Jane, that is fine then. She is a nice look...Thanks Jane, that is fine then. She is a nice looking woman, and resembles you.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29748286903672917732011-03-03T12:40:27.036-05:002011-03-03T12:40:27.036-05:00maryanne,
Regarding Megan's picture: she aske...maryanne,<br /><br />Regarding Megan's picture: she asked me to post it and sent it to me specifically to be posted.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.com