tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post6308620580440208927..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Who Should Search--Adoptee or birth mother? Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51165649002609530442014-07-17T12:57:27.102-04:002014-07-17T12:57:27.102-04:00A belated thanks for your advice. Things have work...A belated thanks for your advice. Things have worked out and I am content.Shannon Des Roches Rosahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18057806553670980068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15542311461631016702013-05-16T10:01:39.440-04:002013-05-16T10:01:39.440-04:00I can't imagine searching for a birth parent b...I can't imagine searching for a birth parent before the internet. How different it must have been. Thanks for sharingBecky researching birth mothershttp://www.tanefflaw.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85953241486476596532013-04-09T17:37:24.759-04:002013-04-09T17:37:24.759-04:00@G Dean,
I'm so happy to hear that you made th...@G Dean,<br />I'm so happy to hear that you made the call and things went well. I can't remember what I wrote, but I am delighted if it had a positive effect on your and your first mother's lives. After the first time I spoke with my n-mother, I felt like 50% of my pain just dissipated into the air. I wonder if the other 50% is still there because I was never able and probably never would have been able to have a positive reunion with my n-father as well.<br /><br />However things work out, I am glad that I could play some small part in helping you to feel lighter and more at peace. Wishing you all the best.<br /><br />Thanks for the heads up, Lorraine :)Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7116145545417658102013-04-09T15:38:15.269-04:002013-04-09T15:38:15.269-04:00G Dean, so very happy to hear you connected and so...G Dean, so very happy to hear you connected and so far, so good. A great weight was lifted from you. After I found my daughter, someone I did not see often thought I had had a facelift.<br />A great weight was lifted from me.<br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6801020267411839512013-04-09T15:06:27.329-04:002013-04-09T15:06:27.329-04:00G Dean here. I wanted to thank FMF for your kind w...G Dean here. I wanted to thank FMF for your kind words and advice re: contacting my FM in a September 2012 post. Thank you to Robin and Lorraine for encouraging me to call her. It took a while, but I finally did it. We spoke for 2 hours and I feel like a weight has been lifted. A thousand times, thank you! G DeanAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5318901333037940502013-03-30T23:59:31.134-04:002013-03-30T23:59:31.134-04:00Robin,
As I've written in more detail on sever...Robin,<br />As I've written in more detail on several posts, Rebecca began searching for me in the fall of 1986, shortly before she turned 20. In February, 1987, she contacted a relative by marriage to whom I was not close. In early 1991, she contacted the relative again. Both times, the relative conveyed the information to my husband who conveyed it to me. Because of a series of miscommunications, I did not know who was trying to find me nor given contact information.<br /><br />In November, 1997, Rebecca contacted the relative again. This time the relative told me my daughter was looking for me and gave me contact information. It is true that I thought the person trying to find me in 1987 and 1991 might be my daughter. However, the first time I was told that she was a girl in Utah or at BYU. I had specifically requested my daughter not be placed with Mormons and I had always assumed my request had been honored. The second time I was told it was someone who knew me in college. Within a few weeks of the calls, I had forgotten about them. When I thought of searching, I didn't even think of contacting the relative. <br /><br />Because of these miscommunications, I urge adoptees never to try to to contact their birth mothers through someone else. If Rebecca had contacted me directly, I'm sure I would have responded positively. I had often thought about her and I had made an effort to connect with her by registering with ALMA and the AOL reunion registry. <br /><br />True, I could have done more when I learned someone was looking for me. I lived in Salem OR at the time. I knew nothing of AAC, CUB, or the Portland search and reunion organization, Oregon Adoptive Rights. I worked full time, didn't watch daytime TV, and knew little about reunions. I had never heard of Lorraine, BJ Lifton, or any other adoption writer except Florence Fisher. I knew of her only because I happened to see her book lying on a table at the Salem Library about 1988.<br /><br />I did not reject Rebecca. I do feel guilty that I didn't try harder to find out what was going on. I thought of her often and the desire to find her increased as time passed.<br /><br />The lessons learned from my experience: contact your birth mother directly, not through someone else. If you can't find her, get help through a search and reunion support group organization. If your birth mother doesn't respond, try again within a year or two. Don't wait five years.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30653124455964980302013-03-30T17:42:44.380-04:002013-03-30T17:42:44.380-04:00Jane wrote:"My daughter found me after search...Jane wrote:"My daughter found me after searching for 11 years."<br /><br />My understanding is that Rebecca found you (or a family member) right away and that it was you who rejected her attempts at contact for 11 years. I would have more respect for you if you would own up to your mistakes in reunion, admit your mea culpa, and encourage others not to make the same mistakes you did.<br /><br />I hope that Hilary's story will be read and taken very seriously by any expectant mother considering adoption. No matter what the agency or attorney tells you, once a child is given up for adoption there is only a small chance that you will be able to reunite when s/he turns 18 and become a family again. <br /><br />Adoption in most cases causes so much damage that it is foolhardy to believe you can give your child up for others to raise and then connect again in a meaningful and unstrained way when s/he becomes an adult. It does happen but not nearly as often as adoption workers would lead you to believe. And if this is what you are expecting, there is a very high probability that you will be sorely disappointed.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8251858551066880922013-03-30T12:25:20.297-04:002013-03-30T12:25:20.297-04:00Oh Hilary. You have been through a lot with your d...Oh Hilary. You have been through a lot with your daughter, and I will just repeat what I said before: take care of yourself. <br /><br />My daughter's parents were not as bad as yours (in relationship to me)...well, I don't know. Things did get pretty bad after several years. One of her worse insults was: <i>You are just like Lorraine</i> --an insult that is not even imaginable if the child is someone you gave birth to. It also encapsulates what the parents feel about the adoptive bond, and think of the birth mother, in this case, me. Sadly, her adoptive parents are like many.<br /><br />There is no need however to lay yourself open to be abused like you describe again. Take care of yourself. This is one case where I truly think you should step back and let her find her own way to you, if she ever can. Step back for your own sanity and self-preservation.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27406438731151185742013-03-30T11:17:49.799-04:002013-03-30T11:17:49.799-04:00Jane & Lorraine - thank you both for your comm...Jane & Lorraine - thank you both for your comments; very appreciated.<br /><br />Lorraine, your daughter's magnet theory is spot on. There has been a constant push/pull, heavily in my favor initially. When I became aware of it, I tried to keep my daughter balanced and asked her to be sensitive to her adoptive mother's insecurities. I also encouraged her not to lie about seeing me, even though that seemed to be the easiest path. I foolishly believed if I demonstrated my stability and even-tempered patience, I would win them all over eventually. I'm self-sufficient and don't need anything from them (something they warned her about repeatedly; the potential I was coming back because I needed money). It never mattered. I suffered with last minute plan shuffling/canceling, my tearful daughter on a the phone telling me her parents wouldn't let her follow through on months old plans. I had to stifle my pain and be supportive & understanding. I listened her tell me about the terrible things they said about me. When my daughter was a teen and didn't come home at curfew, her parents went out to find her. When they did, they scolded her and told her she was going to end up like me... an unwed, pregnant teenage loser. This infuriates me because I was in school, employed, insured and made a choice to have my baby and give her to a childless couple. I selected these people, who won me over with their promises and fabricated stories of love & support. They manipulated me at my most vulnerable time. What an ignorant fool I was.<br /><br />My daughter, unlike me, is very reserved/guarded. She rarely verbalizes her feelings and I never wanted to press her. At a rare and vulnerable moment, she asked me if my mother was alive (my mother died when I was 15) when she was born, would I have given her up. I told her that definitely would have been a game-changer (true). She also told me she thought we could have managed fine because we are both smart & resourceful. That hit me in the gut, but it was my first insight to my daughter's perspective, which she kept very hidden.<br /><br />We have been dancing around big white elephants from the start. Since our time together was so infrequent, I didn't want to be the heavy. I thought keeping our time together fun was the path to choose. Was that the right course? I felt like it lead us here; our failure to address this heavy load eventually broke our backs. But I can see it was likely unavoidable I honestly have no regrets about the way I have conducted myself from the day I found out I was pregnant. Well, there is one, and that is ever believing adoption was a solution. <br /><br />My last correspondence from her was terrible (I'm almost certain she had one of her parents write it). She broke my heart when she canceled our long-standing plans with an outright lie. I could not understand why she couldn't tell me the truth. I have always been approachable and understanding, even while I was getting body-slammed routinely by this relationship. I sent her a letter, very heartfelt and sensitive and asked her to level with me. I told her I understood her parents made our relationship challenging and that I respected what a difficult position she was in. She sent back a scathing, bullet-laden attack and told me it would take her years to recover. Until that time, if ever, I am expected to disappear. Since my letter did nothing but offer encouragement and understanding, her attack was unwarranted and seemed to be completely unrelated. Based on the decline of our relationship, I believe she saw a small opportunity to justify eliminating me as a complication. I do understand how difficult her situation is, but her way of handling it makes me realize I may not like the person she is. That, along with being completely betrayed by her parents, have been the hardest pills to swallow.Hilarynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85525406652920039632013-03-29T22:02:09.567-04:002013-03-29T22:02:09.567-04:00Hilary,
There are some similarities in your story ...Hilary,<br />There are some similarities in your story and mine. My daughter found me after searching for 11 years. After several months of daily emailing, she began to distance herself.<br /><br />Initially, I allowed her to call the shots. Things got better for me when I took more control. I wrote an article about problems in reunions based on what I learned by reading memoirs of adopted daughters which you might find helpful. <a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2009/05/why-reunions-go-wrong-what-memoirs-of.html" rel="nofollow">Why Reunions Go Awry: What Memoirs of Adopted Daughters Tell Birthmothers</a>Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88626919331658267392013-03-29T10:59:38.819-04:002013-03-29T10:59:38.819-04:00Hilary: I wish your story were unusual, but it is ...Hilary: I wish your story were unusual, but it is all too common. The levels of guilt that adoptees incorporate into their DNA (through nurture, not nature) is tremendous and has bollixed up many a reunion. If the adoptive parents, who have been good in every other way, are wary of, or outright against, a satisfying reunion, the adoptee has to make a choice, and only a few make a stand and want to have a good relationship with their natural parents, if it means destroying the familial relationship they have had all their lives. It's understandable. <br /><br />You probably did nothing, but the pressure on your daughter that you describe--hiring a PI! to track you--borders on nuts. <br /><br />I had a quarter of a century relationship with my daughter until she died in 2007, and just when I thought everything was fine, she would drift away. She once said that she felt like a magnet, the closer she got to one, the more she had to pull away from the other. And my daughter's adoptive parents had been welcoming at first because of medical reasons, but as the years went by, and her mother developed early signs of Alzheimer's, her hatred of me became more pronounced. <br /><br />When you mentioned being the last person who feelings counted, I certainly had that in my relationship with my daughter, and understand what you mean. We are supposed to be able to absorb everything. Her adoptive mother could say the worst things to her, as I have written about before, and they would patch things up in a week. I would do nothing, and I had the door slammed in my face. After a while I came to see that as a pattern that would never end. <br /><br />I wish I could be more encouraging, and say she is only going through a phase. But it is likely to be a recurring phase. Unfortunately, there are no re-dos in real life. <br /><br />All I can suggest is that you recognize that this syndrome of rejection after reunion is as common as roadside wildflowers. Take care of yourself, find joy and meaning in what you do have in your life.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11632884550418058902013-03-29T09:37:02.985-04:002013-03-29T09:37:02.985-04:00I always knew I would search for my daughter after...I always knew I would search for my daughter after she turned 19. I assumed if she was eager to find me, it would happen soon after she was of legal age. Considering all of the adoptee perspective information I had gathered, I didn't want to her to spend too much time hesitating, worried I might not want to be found. That is how I developed my 19 year strategy. <br /><br />I painstakingly (thought I) prepared myself, including seeking 8 months of counsel from an adoption therapist, to help me navigate. <br /><br />Even though I found my daughter (via Facebook), I contacted her adoptive parents first (because I thought that was the most considerate route). They responded to my 5 page letter, including photographs, with a "thanks, but no thanks." Mind you, these are the same people who 19 years earlier couldn't bestow enough love and support for me because of my 'gift' to them. I sent them a few more letters asking them to reconsider, but they rebuffed me, very coldly. Within a few months, when I knew my daughter was back home from her 1st year of college, I decided to circumvent them and contacted my daughter directly. Apparently, that decision has never been forgiven.<br /><br />5 years post-reunion, my relationship with my daughter went from magic to tragic. She slowly and now permanently cut me out of her life. Nothing in particular happened, it was a gradual decline. When I asked her to open up to me about why this was happening, she slammed the door so hard in my face, I'm still reeling months later.<br /><br />The entire time we were in reunion, her adoptive parents made it clear that they felt I was subversive and a potentially dangerous influence. My daughter graduated with honors, holds a stable job and her own apartment. While in reunion, we didn't get to see each other often, but when did, her parents did their level-best to torture my daughter by making her feel guilty for conducting a relationship with me.<br /><br />Barbara wrote "allow the adoptee to call the shots" and that was exactly what I did, but it also put me in the 'last person to be considered' column. In the end, I was made to feel my feelings counted the least, I was the easiest person to disappoint and I was supposed to accept whatever crumbs were thrown to me. I held the short-stick because I gave her up along with my rights to being treated humanely and considerately. Her adoptive parents even told her (she was 23 at the time) "if we wanted an open adoption, we would have had one". I also learned they hired a private investigator to track me for an unknown period of time. Must have been a boring detail for that investigator.<br /><br />To preserve what is left of my sanity, I hold no hope one way or the other about the future. The most painful lessons learned is even with every ounce of consideration I applied to this situation, the people I thought I allowed (yes, I selected them) to parent my daughter, told me what I wanted to hear, when I needed to hear it. Also, my daughter, as a woman, might not be the person I hoped she was.Hilarynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88071472407492480212013-03-20T22:55:09.315-04:002013-03-20T22:55:09.315-04:00Wish my mom had looked for me. I was waiting for ...Wish my mom had looked for me. I was waiting for a mom to pass, but once I neared 50 I thought it was time. <br /><br />Mom said she didn't want me to find out I was adopted, so she never looked.<br /><br />Dad said, "I never thought you'd find us". <br /><br />I'm 50 now, a mom is 83, and still in good health. I'm glad I didn't wait any longer, even though it's been more painful than I could have ever imagined.adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72441724417248879512013-03-20T22:12:52.576-04:002013-03-20T22:12:52.576-04:00As a BSE firstmother, I began searching for my dau...As a BSE firstmother, I began searching for my daughter shortly after the surrender. When she was about 3, I recall writing to Florence Fisher for advice as search resources were severely limited in the early 70's. I felt like I was "driven" to find and unable to rest until I did. I can't even wrap my brain around the concept of not searching. Looking back, I can't imagine why anyone could possibly believe that forcing or convincing a mother to give up her child is a good idea when in fact it's truly barbaric. When I finally found, I made it my mission to be the best mother I could possibly be.gailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63662223516439169632013-03-20T17:21:09.451-04:002013-03-20T17:21:09.451-04:00My mum searched for me 13 yrs ago and I never tire...My mum searched for me 13 yrs ago and I never tire of telling people it was simple 'the best day of my life'. I had initiated a search 6 yrs previous, but was halted by amum's emotional blackmail. It was/is all I ever wanted and I wish we could have reunited before we did. I looked for her around every corner from the age of 9 (when I was told). I would have done it eventually, but I love it that she looked for me.JOnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67304459421810969062013-03-20T14:19:03.369-04:002013-03-20T14:19:03.369-04:00maryanne, Regarding considering the consequences o...maryanne, Regarding considering the consequences of searching. It's a catch-22. You don't know the consequences until you search. When my daughter Rebecca found me, I was involved in litigation and planning my daughter's wedding. I was also dealing with others issues. Of course she knew none of this.<br /><br />Were those the best circumstances for a reunion? No Was there a better time? No.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71198590716708834222013-03-20T12:53:34.911-04:002013-03-20T12:53:34.911-04:00Lo, you and Alison and others really did find kids...Lo, you and Alison and others really did find kids who wanted to know you as teens, and then there was Julie Welch whose kid was given back to her at 12 because the adoptive father and stepmother did not want him. Also Lee Campbell who has had a life-long relationship with her son she met as a young teen.<br /><br />Seeing those who were successful did influence me to make a contact, but for me, it was not the right time for a lot of reasons I did not find out until years later when my son finally trusted me enough to tell his story.<br /><br />He could not deal with two mothers at the time because the one he had was bad enough, mentally ill and somewhat abusive, and both parents were furious at me for showing up. It caused more grief in an already unhappy home situation, including several moves that may or may not have had to do with me. But my son was the one who had to suffer the consequences.<br /><br />In light of this, I do not trust my instincts or feelings and think a bit of logic would have been the better way to deal with the situation. Sometimes following one's feelings without considering the consequences for others can lead to disaster. I learned this too late. <br /><br />I feel fortunate in now having a relationship with my son, because I know many who made contact at young and not so young ages who were rejected, and that has never turned around for decades. But for me and my son and his circumstances and temperament, I really wish I had waited longer. He did not need me at 16, I was just a stranger he feared might make demands on him and one more complication in his life.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2286170079787011072013-03-20T10:57:35.927-04:002013-03-20T10:57:35.927-04:00Renee: Your feelings are just honest and consideri...Renee: Your feelings are just honest and considering the angst that adoption causes, perfectly normal!<br /><br /> We can't always tell our feelings what to do. For instance, you would think that after reunion in 1981, a relationship up and down, but still a relationship for more than 25 years, and my daughter's death in 2007, you would think that I had some "closure," to use a word that psychologists like to throw around today. Yeah, right. <br /><br />Incidentally, I was born with a full head of black hair, my mother told me, that fell out and then my hair came in very blonde. Now it goes from dark ash blonde to blonde with the help of high lighting. My granddaughter's hair is the same.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26159062219681807222013-03-20T10:42:09.276-04:002013-03-20T10:42:09.276-04:00Maryanne, thanks for reminding others reading your...Maryanne, thanks for reminding others reading your comment that my contact at 15 with my daughter WAS THE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT THING TO DO. My daughter's aparents had already tried to locate me, or get updated medical information, and while my coming into their lives at that time did not change our daughter's medical treatment, they believed that my return into her life would be very good for her self-esteem. <br /><br />Maryanne, you may think that it was the wrong time, but in the end, maybe it wasn't. No matter that you did not have a great reunion at that time, you did send your son a message, did you not? That you were out there. I don't remember the details of your reunion at that time, but I do know you said his adoptive family was not great. <br /><br />The message Jane and I would like to send is that if you feel in your heart it is the right time to search, then you should. I had been writing to the agency in Rochester, NY (Hillside) over about a decade and I felt strongly that she needed me; it turned out that she did.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-79344376836946831802013-03-20T09:32:55.163-04:002013-03-20T09:32:55.163-04:00Etropic- please drop your son that card. I can'...Etropic- please drop your son that card. I can't tell you what it would have meant to me to have had a sign from my mom before I searched that she was thinking of me. <br /><br />After I found, I came to a decent place where I understood that she didn't feel that she had the right to search; I learned to accept that when she said she still feels like she did the right thing in relinquishing me its her way of coping. Every action she made prior to signing relinquishment papers more than 6wks after my birth- indicate that my adoption truly wasn't a 'choice' but that she resigned herself to it because all the other options she tried to arrange fell through. But it would have meant so much to me-provided so much validation of my self-worth had she searched.<br /><br />I'm ashamed to say that although I always considered my birthday to be 'our' day- that I felt hurt when my neice was born on my birthday 9 yrs ago and my mom was there in the delivery room. She told me how much my neice looked like me with a head full of black hair- and my other neice and nephew from my birthsister were both blondes -so this neice truly took after my side of the maternal family. My birthday is right around thanksgiving so as adult as I am, as much as I know my family loves me, the little girl who spent every birthday trying to find a different time each year to think about her mom so maybe they would be sharing a thought sometime on 'our day' still has a brief pang of jealousy when I see my mom at my neice's bday parties each year. How bad is that??<br /><br />reneenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33555971262788145512013-03-20T08:54:45.821-04:002013-03-20T08:54:45.821-04:00I do not think any of us can tell others it is rig...I do not think any of us can tell others it is right or wrong to search and contact based on our own outcomes, good or bad. There are so many variables and unknowns that we cannot know until we contact, and then we have to deal with the consequences of our action, good or bad, and with the other person's reality and needs, not just our own.<br /><br />My contact to a 16 year old turned out to be wrong, and if I had it to do over I would wait until he was older and out of the adoptive home. What I did was no help to him or to me. Others like Lo and many others had great outcomes in contacting young teens. There is no one right way or right time, and it is always a chance that only you can know if you are ready to take. Those of us who wish we had done differently either way have to move forward beyond that, because nobody can change the past.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36997394600685858082013-03-19T21:42:26.567-04:002013-03-19T21:42:26.567-04:00AMBIVALENCE LEADS TO INACTION
I couldn't agr...AMBIVALENCE LEADS TO INACTION <br /><br />I couldn't agree more. 4 years ago I hit my adoption wall as I like to call it. I just simply couldn't take anymore; the bickering with amom about getting to gether, the not knowing if my son really wanted me in his life, the self loathing person I turned into each time I did have a visit, the panic attacks brought on by worrying about doing & saying the right thing, the groveling to stay in his life when I DID say something wrong. I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore; not for me, for my son or even my family. I have always felt like I have let my son down by not atively pursuing a relationship with his family(I have never been allowed to have a relationship with him, just his mother.) I got to a point where I had to choose between my family and the son I was raising or my son that I placed for adoption. <br /><br />Ultimatley, I chose being healthy and here for my son that I am parenting. I haven't reached out to my son (I placed) for fear that doing so would upset him. I tried; I have cards and letters sitting in a box in the back of the closet addressed to him yet never mailed. I understand all about ambivalence turning to inactivity. I am there now. What started out as me taking a "breather" has turned into 4 years of inactivity. What right do I have to suddendly resurface after being gone for so long? His birthday is in a few days & I am contemplating dropping him a card to let him know that I haven't forgotten about him. That is if my brain doesn't convince me to do otherwise.etropichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12598931891313075439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36208605969394716642013-03-19T17:07:41.384-04:002013-03-19T17:07:41.384-04:00Kim wrote:" I feel the adoptee is the one tha...Kim wrote:" I feel the adoptee is the one that is hurt the worst, struggles the worst in the adoption process, and he/she needs to have control over who searches for who."<br /><br />This is something I could have written in the bad old days. Bull. Mothers should search, introduce themselves, and allow the adoptee to call the shots. But to not search is wrong. I was wrong. <br />I too could have found my daughter when she was 15 years old. I'm just that resourceful and she lived in a small community. But I didn't want to upset the Disney family I placed her into. Wrong! I damaged her psyche by abandoning her and I would have helped her by finding her early. How I got everything, EVERYTHING, ass-backwards I can not figure!<br />For those of you here pre-reunion, do everything you can to find your child. They deserve that much from us.Barbara Thavishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13646036820037271522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87149204849412142192013-03-19T15:06:30.947-04:002013-03-19T15:06:30.947-04:00LegitimateBastard:
Searching and finding was so i...LegitimateBastard: <br />Searching and finding was so iffy, especially in the year you mention, long before the Internet. Unless you had access to "The Searcher," or had some clues, or etc. or were adopted in Kansas, Alaska, or Alabama in 1974, it is likely you would never have found your biological family through regular means, no matter what lawyer you used. <br /><br />I remember exactly how unusual reunions were in 1974; most adoptive families could not handle them at all. Adoptive families stopped speaking to the children they had loved and raised, for they saw their curiosity and need to connect with their roots as a rejection of the adoptive bond. I was around in that era, and I heard of many cases of adult children being written out of wills, or adoptive parents never talking to the adoptee again. I'm sorry you suffered so much anger for being found, but the alternative mostly likely would have been never finding out who you were. It is also possible that if you managed the search, your adoptive mother would have gotten increasingly upset, no matter what you did. You being contacted at least took responsibility out of your hands. <br /><br />You mention only the rage of the adoptive family; did you ever have a relationship with your biological siblings?Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84639863413376402022013-03-19T11:39:01.546-04:002013-03-19T11:39:01.546-04:00When I turned 18, I told my adoptive parents that ...When I turned 18, I told my adoptive parents that I wanted to search for my natural father. They were informed, but did not offer help. I told an adult friend who had two young adopted children. She was very open and offered for me to call her attorney. We set up a day and time for me to call her back to get his number. But 20 minutes before I made that phone call, I received a phone call from my eldest sister - a sister I never knew I had.<br /><br />It's okay if siblings search and find, however, care needs to be taken by the searcher (s) - for me there were four older sibs and my father and step sibs, too -- to be sure that the adoptee and adoptive parents are okay.<br /><br />I wasn't. My parents weren't okay, either. We fought, yelled. It was caos. Their secret was blown wide open by someone other than themselves. They should have told me the truth and chose not to.<br /><br />I tried to make peace between the two sets of parents. My two fathers were okay. My step mother was okay. But my adoptive mother was angry, hurt, and furious that the reunion was out of her control.<br /><br />My siblings opened up a torrent of rageful angry adoptive relatives who ended up attacking me for accepting a reunion. It was terrible. Very few adoptive relatives accepted and were kind after that.<br /><br />This happened in 1974. I suffered greatly. Still do. There is much backlash on an adoptee who speaks out after being found - especially when others know the truth and the adoptee is unaware of the complete truth.<br /><br />Yes, I would have searched. However the attorney would have helped me, I'm sure there would have been a bit more care to ease the shock. Expectations were put upon me to just get over it and move on, well, to dump an entire load ontop of a teenager is too traumatizing: not just a natural parent, but siblings, extended family, a deceased natural mother. <br /><br />In our case, there should have been rofessional help, counseling for all immediate and extended families as well. But none existed.<br /><br />Use the resources you have and reach out. Be careful. The person you search for has no idea what you will say. Be gentle. The other people in the found-person's life will also be affected.legitimatebastardnoreply@blogger.com