tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post6847573612407047788..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Impressions of the 2016 ASAC Conference: Good Job! Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49732439117135804052016-11-12T10:42:32.714-05:002016-11-12T10:42:32.714-05:00Lorraine-I was glad to see on First Mothers Forum ...Lorraine-I was glad to see on First Mothers Forum that your talk at the ASAC Conference was going to be opened up to the public! I'm so glad that we were able to come and hear you speak about your experience in person. It was definitely worth the drive. We also enjoyed visiting with you afterwards! Thank you for your blog-it has been helpful to me. My mom is also a first mom. Darlanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52667065321304286382016-11-08T00:28:29.585-05:002016-11-08T00:28:29.585-05:00Thank you so much Lorraine. I am a biological moth...Thank you so much Lorraine. I am a biological mother and heard you speak at the conference. Was so refreshing to hear from someone who "gets me". I could have listened to you all night. Life has been a downward spiral for me since relinquishing my daughter forty-four years ago. I have been "as sick as my secret" for long enough. I am determined to live my remaining days to the fullest with my head held high. Thank you!Beth Franklinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16021244481547345592016-11-07T10:08:46.967-05:002016-11-07T10:08:46.967-05:00Julie I am an adoptee who is having a daughter in ...Julie I am an adoptee who is having a daughter in a month (and who was also pressured by my daughter's father to give my daughter for adoption) and I relate so much to your comment! I threw myself into researching this subject and now have so much empathy towards my first mother and I want to find her. I told myself for thirty years that that wasn't what I wanted, but it is.Bethnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48831286289141884712016-11-07T08:54:34.941-05:002016-11-07T08:54:34.941-05:00Thanks for the mention, Lorraine, I'll add to ...Thanks for the mention, Lorraine, I'll add to it... I meet a lot of adoptive parents at conferences where I speak as a birth mother and they are adamant that their child does not have questions about their biological mother or a desire to meet her. And yes, my response is: That's your fault. Whether conscious or not, adoptive parents influence a child's view on everything, adoption views included. A simple "we'll talk about that later" when a child asks where their biological mother lives, or a short "I'm sure she's nice" with a subject change when asked what she's like. I tell them the worst one is when they say "Would you like to know about your biological mother? Making it a question implies that it's something they might not like to do. And, add that to all the little cues they've picked up on for years, children easily will take the road out and say no. I also point out how unfair it is to put the weight of this decision on a child. You wouldn't ask a six year old to make a decision on what school they'd like to attend or what doctor they should see. This is big stuff! They can feel it. Any reasonable child would cave and run from a decision they are not equipped yet to make. If adoptive parents would instead just start talking, with enthusiasm, about this wonderful woman, the child would grow up knowing her and wanting to know her more. I was very fortunate, this is what my son's parents did, and because of them we have a wonderful relationship. My heart is sad for all the children raised otherwise. Patricia Dischlerhttp://www.kidbizresources.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82560445597266903682016-11-06T11:04:06.392-05:002016-11-06T11:04:06.392-05:00Amen, Julie. Happily, I was told by my excellent s...Amen, Julie. Happily, I was told by my excellent social worker (and a mother herself) that I would never forget. The immediate pain would lessen she said, but she acknowledged that I would not forget. This came after she knew that I thought the sealing of the records was abominable as it put me in an emotional coffin for ever. I railed against that then, and I haven't stopped saying how inhuman that is since! And I won't! Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63029017377843149172016-11-06T11:02:18.552-05:002016-11-06T11:02:18.552-05:00Lorraine, I am so delighted to read this review of...Lorraine, I am so delighted to read this review of the conference. I know you went with some trepidation in your heart from your last experience in 2007. It is interesting that the demographic of the participants has expanded to more adoptees since then, as well as a few birth mothers. I wonder if Ann Fessler's, _The Girls Who Went Away_ which was published in 2006, had some impact on opening up the conversation. I know she is active with ASAC. And regarding the need for more college educated first mothers being more represented - I understand your critique that we don't want that, but my guess is they are out there. After all, not all smart, well-educated first mothers started out with supportive families. Reaching them will be a challenge, however, as the one academic arena that should be examining the impact of the world of adoption on women's reproductive lives - Women & Gender Studies or Feminist Studies - has barely scratched the surface. Despite immense figures like Loretta Ross who have rigorously re-examined the ideas of reproductive rights and called for a human rights approach resulting in reproductive justice instead, feminist scholars still seem to be tone deaf. It is interested to note that the two of you were speaking around the same time at two different conferences - she at CUB in Florida and you at ASAC in Minneapolis. And unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend either. It would be great if you both could present at the same venue at some point!Pamela M. Salelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12398730332287863739noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36946369567086843682016-11-06T10:48:07.989-05:002016-11-06T10:48:07.989-05:00Adoptees say that they "aren't interested...Adoptees say that they "aren't interested" because they are scared to death. From day one we are told where we came from is not important. We are told biological relationships are not important. We don't have any biological connection to anyone growing up so we have no idea of what that feels like.<br />I "wasn't interested" until I gave birth to my daughter and experienced a biological connection to another human being. I looked at her and saw myself reflected back and realized for the first time that biological connection matters and it is important. I then knew I had to find my mother and the rest of my family and that they were important to me. Our society is very much against this and no one seems to understand how important it is for an adoptee to have this connection restored. Our reality is that we have two families, the one we are raised in and the one we come from. Julienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39738287363732544712016-11-05T18:18:22.131-04:002016-11-05T18:18:22.131-04:00Yes! Crippling lives for generations to come. Mon...Yes! Crippling lives for generations to come. Money and social scientists reign here.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16787642166666801702016-11-05T18:09:11.272-04:002016-11-05T18:09:11.272-04:00Excellent Report, Lorraine in characterizing adopt...Excellent Report, Lorraine in characterizing adoption "...a certain kind of hell..." shared by adoptees and first mothers. Like ours, the Korean "tragedy" is criminal. <br />And now we have "kinning" creating the adoptee in the image of adopters ancestors. Hilarious if it were not so heart breaking.<br />Hole in My Heart is my favorite, and that letter to Jane, no words.<br />If many of the adoptive families were to authentically listen and process truth re adoption, it may very well bring down their world of unmet demons. Good job. No surprise here. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55377300642605519962016-11-05T13:24:22.221-04:002016-11-05T13:24:22.221-04:00Thanks! I added the link to the blog post. Thanks! I added the link to the blog post. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62253210245584173722016-11-05T12:05:23.794-04:002016-11-05T12:05:23.794-04:00It appears that it is possible to pay $4.99 for a ...It appears that it is possible to pay $4.99 for a personal 3-day access to watch the movie "First Person Plural" at New Day Films: https://www.newday.com/film/first-person-plural VegHipMamanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51370784262204947622016-11-05T11:45:42.700-04:002016-11-05T11:45:42.700-04:00The people whose backgrounds are rooted in the 60&...The people whose backgrounds are rooted in the 60's and religion don't think that adoptees need to find their mothers. Tha was what they were told back then.<br /><br />What's even scarier to me are the new breed of happy birth-mothers, and society that came of age being told that infant adoption was a loving, kind selfless option if you cannot provide a life filled with material things. <br /><br />This new breed is very judgmental, telling natural mothers that once they sign the papers, their child is not theirs anymore. Even in open adoption.<br /><br />They still look down on these birth-mothers, even as they sing their praises. <br /><br />Old school, new school, adoption still separates us from our families. Infant adoption is still demolishing lives. You would think we would know better by now. sallynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49980305039676256972016-11-05T00:05:23.960-04:002016-11-05T00:05:23.960-04:00It was great to meet you!It was great to meet you!Emily N. Bartznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57676579662328559112016-11-04T22:26:16.550-04:002016-11-04T22:26:16.550-04:00I hear ALL THE TIME that so and so knows adoptees ...I hear ALL THE TIME that so and so knows adoptees or has adoptee siblings who "aren't interested." I spoke to first mother/authier Patricia Discheler yesterday and she said that when she gives talks and people come up to hear and says that, she responds: Well, it's your fault, if she is speaking to the adoptive parents. <br /><br />Just a few negative words, or the disinclination to talk about the adoption, and you have squelched the willingness of the adoptee to talk about their feelings openly. I used to meet a lot of these people at ALMA meetings in the city; their adoptive parents had no idea they were searching! <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32966510381803870232016-11-04T19:26:47.415-04:002016-11-04T19:26:47.415-04:00"AND those adoptees have no desire to meet th..."AND those adoptees have no desire to meet their birthmothers" <br /><br />Meh, more like the adoptive mothers do not KNOW that we adoptees not only look, but find our mothers and others. Adoptive parents are not the one's to ask what the adoptee does, thinks or feels. They seldom know the truth. "of course I love you mummy (fingers and heart crossed) and my inheritance" Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07202936951061435463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32317758487976490122016-11-04T18:24:11.310-04:002016-11-04T18:24:11.310-04:00In regard to, "more restrictions and safeguar...In regard to, "more restrictions and safeguards in inter-country adoption", there are good things in the works. <br /><br />Go check out DOS-2016-0056, or the federalist . com an article on Obama administration make international adoption a lot harder. DOS being the Department of State. The item mentioned, a proposed change of regulations has a comment period that runs until November 22. <br /><br />The proposal sounds FABULOUS, to me.Cindynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66572586180549481372016-11-04T16:11:28.540-04:002016-11-04T16:11:28.540-04:00The image of Lorraine dining alone at a 2007 ASAC ...The image of Lorraine dining alone at a 2007 ASAC conference says it all. Because of my rather uncommon "surrender" circumstances, I am late to the table discussing the trauma of losing a child placement outside my family. I find that when the subject comes up, people rooted in religion and in 1960's upbringing, all to often quickly tell me that they have adoptees in their families and those adoptees are loved and treated the same as everyone else AND those adoptees have no desire to meet their birthmothers. Are they trying to assure me that probably no one will show up at my front door or are they trying to tell me to shut up and bug off. I've not yet had the courage to ask those questions. I am grateful for the natural mothers who've been speaking up. It makes it easier for the rest of us. I'm getting more centered in the reality that my life and my capacity to bond throughout my life was demolished by how I was treated back in the mid 1960's. <br />DMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09360812714560890510noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47529631200381566162016-11-04T15:14:57.839-04:002016-11-04T15:14:57.839-04:00Thank you for fighting the good fight. As the win...Thank you for fighting the good fight. As the winner in the lose-lose-win of adoption; I’m humbled buy you’re never backing down on this vital subject. Reading FMF daily has changed me to be a better adoptive parent and a better person. momengineernoreply@blogger.com