tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7027142555541321969..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Tyler of 16 and Pregnant Tells FMF Off! Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger106125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45591069744366988682013-10-09T14:45:03.816-04:002013-10-09T14:45:03.816-04:00Perhaps also Catelynn might look back to that conv...<br />Perhaps also Catelynn might look back to that conversation they had with Dawn, and think about that sob that suddenly and unexpectedly escaped from her young heart. I think that was the sound of grief, though Catelynn couldn't name it then.<br /><br />What did the mature, adult, experienced Dawn do when the young, teenage Catelynn uttered such a heartbreakingly lost sob?<br /><br />Did she comfort her? <br /><br />Did she say that it was clear she had conflicting and painful feelings about this, and was she sure about this course of action - ie the adoption of her daughter?<br /><br />Did she hand her alternatives to adoption? Information about ways she could be helped to keep her daughter?<br /><br />No. Dawn's smile maintained its blinding brightness, as if a despairing sob from a pregnant young girl was normal. Nothing was going to stand in the way of that adoption. Certainly not the pain of the unborn child's young parents.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39111271643039885902013-10-03T10:49:48.049-04:002013-10-03T10:49:48.049-04:00Thank you, Cherry, for that run down of what you s...Thank you, Cherry, for that run down of what you saw on that program when Catelynn and Tyler's baby became Brandon and Teresa's. This kind of transfer from one's own baby to a baby now already belonging to someone e, and occurs when the couple is still deciding what they are going to do. I fear this is all too common. And incredibly sad. As I said, I can't watch much of these shows; my stomach just turns. <br /><br />As for the previous commentor, Anonymous, who is so angry with us--it does sound as if she was not only adopted but also gave up a child, a phenomenon I wish were more thoroughly studied for it appears to be incredibly common. Think of us as you will, but we are not bitter as you say; we just accept how truly our lives were forged to a different kind of path once we relinquished our children, and how much it affected their own lives. If you reread your own comment, you will see the rage and anger we read in it from a vantage point different from yours.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73294762945639324522013-10-03T06:41:14.311-04:002013-10-03T06:41:14.311-04:00Watching ’16 & Pregnant’ recently (Series 1 Ep...Watching ’16 & Pregnant’ recently (Series 1 Episode 6), and seeing how the trusting youngsters Tyler and pregnant Catelynn get sucked into the adoption agency’s agenda without them having a clue that this is happening, the following conversation stood out:<br /><br />Catelynn and Tyler were given a batch of information folders from prospective adoptive parents to look through. The next day they meet with the adoption agent Dawn to discuss them. (So they are still just at the considering stage at this point).<br /><br />Dawn: ‘So you took home a whole bunch of profile books right? And then did you get a chance to look them over?<br /><br />Catelynn and Tyler: ‘Yep’<br /><br />Dawn: ‘Did anything stand out to you in them?’<br /><br />Catelynn and Tyler, in unison: ‘Brandon and Teresa’<br /><br />Dawn smiles incessantly, as if the most unbelievably exciting thing is about to happen. Catelynn bites her lip and Tyler gulps.<br /><br />Dawn: ‘Brandon and Teresa. Okay. What about them stands out as the right family for our baby?’<br /><br />(did you spot that? 'OUR baby'?)<br /><br />Catelynn gives the kind of answer that can be summarised in her odd, sad little phrase ‘ Everything I wanted they had’. She doesn’t mean it like this, but actually she does.<br /><br />What they have missed in that conversation, but which probably got caught somewhere in the howl of their subconscious, is the incredibly distracting, almost theatrical air-quotation marks that Dawn gestures extravagantly while saying ‘the right family’ just nanoseconds before using the term ‘our’ rather than ‘your’ baby.<br /><br />Already the baby is being lifted away from her parents without them even knowing it has begun.<br /><br />Already their daughter is not wholly theirs. Is partially someone else's. It is 'ours'. It belongs to adoptionland.<br /><br />Can you imagine someone saying that to a pregnant women in any other circumstance? <br /><br />Poor Catelynn and Tyler still think they are at the choosing stage – that they have some control. They don’t know, because they are too young and inexperienced (in life itself, as well as parenthood) to see that psychologically their fingers have already been prised from around their daughter. She is already not theirs. <br /><br />That final lifting of their daughter away from any possibility of remaining with them happens in the hospital, just as Tyler and Catelynn lovingly cradle their daughter as a new little family. The door sweeps open and in comes Dawn, smiling like a maniac, blasting apart that moment, that family, to ensure that everyone remembers that Carly is going to be adopted.<br /><br />Look at Catelynn's face when Dawn comes in. Her expression is one of a hunted animal, one whose young is threatened to be taken away. And that's just what happened.<br /><br />A long time from now, Catelynn will wake with a shock and realise that the choice wasn't as freely given as she believes. That, in fact, her daughter was winkled from her. That her and Tyler's own lack of confidence in themselves as the right parents for their daughter allowed the powerful adoption agency to do their crafty work.<br /><br />I feel so sorry for them.<br />And so aghast that, in their lack of awareness, they are promoting this soul-hell to others.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48975662460141053062013-06-21T18:05:17.947-04:002013-06-21T18:05:17.947-04:00This thread makes me sick!
I see a bunch of women...This thread makes me sick!<br /><br />I see a bunch of women that want ALL people that have PLACED their child to be as bitter as they are. Does it feel that good to bash Tyler? <br /><br />I have news for you............ I too was adopted. Let me say that if I ever did decide to meet my birth mother and I found her crude language and judgment of others that did the same thing she did I would tell her to stay gone or I serve her with a paper that forces her too!<br /><br />The fact of whether or not Tyler will regret it years from now is NOT yours to own. It is none of your business. <br /><br />The truth be known, you ALL had a choice. If you want to bathe in your poor choice then so be it, but remember this......<br /><br />FOR EACH HATEFUL THING YOU SAY, YOUR CHILD PROBABLY THINKS YOU WERE A SELFISH PERSON THAT TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT TOO SO YOU COULD CONTINUE TO PARTY, GO TO SCHOOL, OR THAT YOU ARE JUST A WOMAN WITHOUT A HEART/SOUL THAT LIKES TO BRING MISERY TO OTHERS.<br /><br />Thank you to my adopted mother for always being honest and supporting MY DECISSION. Thank you for loving another womans child that was to busy thinking of how hard things would be for herself. Thank you for each kiss on my cheek, each hug, and important event in my life. <br /><br />Thank you to my adoptive mother for rescuing me from people like some of these hateful women!<br /><br />SHAME ON ALL OF YOUAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27744123019856935972013-06-01T19:37:23.618-04:002013-06-01T19:37:23.618-04:00So sad. Children brainwashed by authority figures,...So sad. Children brainwashed by authority figures, making grown-up, permanent decisions which will follow them all their days. <br />I weep for them.Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14327776258439478144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63566977317395170972013-01-06T13:05:18.680-05:002013-01-06T13:05:18.680-05:00Barbara wrote:"Maybe they'll even be list...Barbara wrote:"Maybe they'll even be listening when Carly is old enough to say her piece too."<br /><br />You make some excellent points, Barbara. But adoptees are not always able to say what we really feel and think about adoption. We are more often TOLD how we should feel about being adopted. So I wouldn't hold my breath that Carly will feel she can be completely honest about how adoption has affected her. Especially with her being in the public eye, I wouldn't be surprised if she feels pressured to say things like " I know my natural parents did what they felt was best for me and I am grateful for that", whether she truly feels that way or not.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20988672822551454332012-12-30T19:31:24.291-05:002012-12-30T19:31:24.291-05:00Good for you Lorraine in your response to Tyler, a...Good for you Lorraine in your response to Tyler, and for moderating all these sincere comments. A thought occurred to me that I don't think has been mentioned here - there may be a brighter side to this very public relinquishment. That is, the public will get to see what really happens to these kids.<br /><br />This country is in love with adoption. Just a couple of days ago the Russians banned American adoptions. Fox News and all the major news sources were despondent for the poor orphans and especially for the poor Americans who wanted to adopt them. Why did they do this? Because people just eat it up. They LOVE adoption. Nobody thinks adoption is anything but "the loving choice" except us, the people whose families were destroyed, psyches traumatized and hearts broken. As many as we are, we are not mainstream enough to stop the dominant attitude. If only all of society were to react in horror to adoption and sympathize with the victims, and make laws to stop this tragedy! Alas, it is not so in America, just the opposite.<br /><br />Tyler wants to be an adoption rock star and Caitlyn's on board, and everybody loves it. Maybe everybody will still be interested when it starts to go sour, and it will, and will see the tears and the family tragedy. Maybe they'll even be listening when Carly is old enough to say her piece too. Maybe they are causing a few mothers to give up babies now, but it is my hope and prayer that as America watches, America will see what this does to human beings and choose a different path.Barbaranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80657385000133074652012-11-25T15:43:01.698-05:002012-11-25T15:43:01.698-05:00Dear Anon: Tyler has made a career out of giving u...Dear Anon: Tyler has made a career out of giving up his daughter. I'm glad they are both (sort of) able to see their daughter, Carly. I'm upset that he and the baby's mother, Catelynn has become a tool of the adoption industry. <br /><br />the next post is about them also. <br /><a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2012/11/issues-raised-by-tyler-and-catelynn.html" rel="nofollow">The Lost Post regarding the issues of Tyler and Catelynn, reconstructed</a>Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55178807381727546732012-11-25T15:09:15.076-05:002012-11-25T15:09:15.076-05:00Tyler and Carly are still very,very young. After I...Tyler and Carly are still very,very young. After I gave up my son(sorry, Tyler, I was so emotionally beaten that's what I did-surrendered,waved the white flag,gave up) I believed all the adoption agency garbage and thought I wasn't good enough. Also I didn't see how I could work and take care of my baby(am I some kind of a quantum particle that can be in 2 places at once?) Not to mention that I always had trouble keeping jobs-never seemed to fit in anywhere. Everything is confusing enough at that age. So, I will not join in attacking him and Catelynn. I am happy that you are putting your lives together and that you are able to know(sort of) YOUR daughter. She is adorable and as someone else mentioned, looks just like her mother(Catelynn). Having lived through(sometimes barely) the heartache and sorrow sometimes bordering on torture of being a firstmother, I do agree with the blog authors that talking other girls into doing the same may be something you come to regret.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56432819247917501782012-11-24T12:50:03.173-05:002012-11-24T12:50:03.173-05:00I finally read the obituary for John Triseliotis t...I finally read the obituary for John Triseliotis that some anon posted without comment. I remember reading his book "In Search of Origins" in the 70s, one of the first out there and instrumental in getting open records in England. I think I heard of it in ALMA, so Lorraine, you probably heard of him as well. He sounds like he was a good man, a real pioneer and true friend of adoptee rights. May he rest in peace.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34449363005433491432012-11-24T08:39:35.904-05:002012-11-24T08:39:35.904-05:00@Christy,
As public figures, Catelynn and Tyler h...@Christy,<br /><br />As public figures, Catelynn and Tyler have opened themselves up to criticism, judgment, analysis, etc. It comes with the territory.<br /><br />This blog is designed for first mothers, then adoptees and empathic adoptive parents for whom the experience of adoption is not the wonderful, beautiful thing that American society portrays it to be. We are telling the truth about how adoption has really affected so many of us rather than spewing the usual platitudes that one hears everywhere. And unless you are a first mother or an adoptee, you really do not understand the experience from having lived it.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30555697009126452532012-11-23T18:03:43.378-05:002012-11-23T18:03:43.378-05:00Christy,
Umm...no.
Those two are putting their liv...Christy,<br />Umm...no.<br />Those two are putting their lives out there to be judged, ridiculed, critiqued or, in your case, admired.<br />When you put your life on television, it is open for discussion.<br />And C and T can cry all the way to the bank.<br />Listen, C and T made a choice. They chose to give their daughter up on national television. They chose to collect huge paycheck from their celebrity gained from relinquishing.<br />They have chosen this life for themselves. <br />Now is not the time for them to go crying fowl because many people find what they have done abhorrent. They asked for this when they went on MTV. <br />I see no reason to "leave them alone". They would stop getting paid if we did that. Shelnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6596343823626962272012-11-23T14:40:39.205-05:002012-11-23T14:40:39.205-05:00Christy
I am proud of what they did and who in f...Christy <br /><br />I am proud of what they did and who in fact is the judge of their choice? None of the people who don't agree are their judge. Back off they are not living your life get out of theirs!Ima_Christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15209832239678156336noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1334072907290495052012-11-22T14:43:11.686-05:002012-11-22T14:43:11.686-05:00I have been following this myself and I have to sa...I have been following this myself and I have to say that I am amazed Anon keeps coming back to defend and explain her rude remark. <br />I do wonder if she would have said that to any of the people who did the spade work for her reunion, for that's what it was. She is glad it didn't bother her pretty little head.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87277906064780141002012-11-22T13:50:07.329-05:002012-11-22T13:50:07.329-05:00http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2012/nov/22/...http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2012/nov/22/john-triseliotis-obituaryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6012614587506971232012-11-22T13:27:40.386-05:002012-11-22T13:27:40.386-05:00Anon 3:10PM said:"I have already explained th...Anon 3:10PM said:"I have already explained that the reason I feel the way I do is because being 'unprepared' freed me up to respond to our situation without pre-concieved ideas - in other words, spontaneously. It had nothing to do with finding other people's stories 'upsetting'; it had everything to do with not wanting to be influenced at such an important juncture of our lives."<br /><br />That explained to me the previous misunderstanding that she was insulting anyone, along with the rest of her explanation. The use of the word "glad" in the original post could have been taken wrongly, that this person did not appreciate the named adoption writers, but that seems to not be the case. Just a different way of looking at her own reunion, evidently, not a slam on anyone else.<br /><br />NotheranonAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63437294558881686672012-11-21T17:58:17.813-05:002012-11-21T17:58:17.813-05:00We all have our own stuff to deal with as we do. O...We all have our own stuff to deal with as we do. Of course there is no script beyond our own. But what you tacked on was and remains, insulting to the people who did the work that laid the groundwork for you. Tact might be in order. <br /><br />Carol G.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81579342008447950002012-11-21T15:30:08.505-05:002012-11-21T15:30:08.505-05:00Carol G said: "You come to this blog and say,...Carol G said: "You come to this blog and say, I'm glad I never heard of you (meaning the person who writes this blog)..and thus "encumbered by their [her] emotional burdens" --what does that mean if not that "their emotional burdens" would have been upsetting to you personally?"<br /><br />If I can hazard a guess, nobody is dissing anyone, though that's what you seem to be implying. It's more an issue of recognizing that the specific issues people wrote about when they described their own surrenders, i.e., their emotional burdens, would not necessarily mirror everyone's emotional burdens and that applying their interpretation in advance of meeting one's child might not be so helpful. Time, place, culture, and circumstance shape those things and nobody is the same, nor is there any one adoption truth.Beehivenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48386577023762873652012-11-21T15:29:33.566-05:002012-11-21T15:29:33.566-05:00Carol G said: "You come to this blog and say,...Carol G said: "You come to this blog and say, I'm glad I never heard of you (meaning the person who writes this blog)..and thus "encumbered by their [her] emotional burdens" --what does that mean if not that "their emotional burdens" would have been upsetting to you personally?"<br /><br />If I can hazard a guess, nobody is dissing anyone, though that's what you seem to be implying. It's more an issue of recognizing that the specific issues people wrote about when they described their own surrenders, i.e., their emotional burdens, would not necessarily mirror everyone's emotional burdens and that applying their interpretation in advance of meeting one's child might not be so helpful. Time, place, culture, and circumstance shape those things and nobody is the same, nor is there any one adoption truth. Beehivenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34672697212942055342012-11-21T15:10:36.480-05:002012-11-21T15:10:36.480-05:00Carol G., the "work that went before me"...Carol G., the "work that went before me" and laid the groundwork for the changes that led to our reunion was done in another country by people other than the ones whose names have been mentioned here. <br />I feel great personal gratitude to those pioneers, although I am glad I hadn't read their work either before reunion.<br /><br />And I didn't say I was glad I hadn't heard of *just* the person who runs this blog. What I wrote wasn't 'about' her. There were other names included. It wasn't even 'about' any of them either.<br /><br />I have already explained that the reason I feel the way I do is because being 'unprepared' freed me up to respond to our situation without pre-concieved ideas - in other words, spontaneously. It had nothing to do with finding other people's stories 'upsetting'; it had everything to do with not wanting to be influenced at such an important juncture of our lives.<br /><br />Your command of the english language is not too bad either. However, what you don't seem to really grasp is that not everybody thinks, feels, or deals with things in the same way. There is no script when it comes to reunion. We have to write our own.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20570325078005474392012-11-21T12:03:01.718-05:002012-11-21T12:03:01.718-05:00Anon:
"Although many of these people have p...Anon: <br /><br />"Although many of these people have pertinent and important things to say, I'm GLAD I hadn't heard of them, because if I had, I'd have been encumbered by their emotional burdens as well as our own." <br /><br />How do you interpret this, Anon? You come to this blog and say, I'm glad I never heard of you (meaning the person who writes this blog)..and thus "encumbered by their [her] emotional burdens" --what does that mean if not that "their emotional burdens" would have been upsetting to you personally? You seem to have a good grasp of the English language but not an understanding of sociological events that lay the foundation for other events. Nor do you have a generous heart that is thankful for the work that went before you. No, you didn't say that, I did. You don't seem to really grasp what you did say, or why it is an insult.Carol G.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58439976598698400042012-11-21T11:49:21.201-05:002012-11-21T11:49:21.201-05:00 By next year, Tyler will be forgotten by all the ... By next year, Tyler will be forgotten by all the little teenyboppers who are 14 now. There will be a brand spanking new teenage heartthrob to pimp adoption to vulnerable girls.<br /><br />His fame will be gone. <br /><br />His daughter already is.<br /><br /><br /><br />Kidnapnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50311984622030081942012-11-21T10:10:53.848-05:002012-11-21T10:10:53.848-05:00Carol G. said "What you said is I'm so gl...Carol G. said "What you said is I'm so glad that neither my daughter or I knew this stuff was going on--that people were fighting in the trenches for my daughter's right to search--forgetting that without what they did you may never had had a reunion."<br />I didn't say that. You did. The circumstances of our reunion didn't involve the usual child searching for mother or the other way around. It was someone else who put two and two together - and brought us back together as a result. <br />Also, not every reunion is an American reunion and the changes that made these reunions possible have been brought about by people of their own countries, not by Americans, as seems to be being suggested here.<br /><br />"What you are saying is that she shouldn't have bothered because it might have upset you."<br />Maybe that is what you're hearing, but it is not what I am saying. What I'm saying is that, while I realize everyone is going to be different in this respect, I Myself Personally was glad I had not read anything about adoption reunion before because I really needed to concentrate on the particular circumstances surrounding *our* situation, as well as to hear my child's side without having been influenced by the experiences and opinions of others. I think I should be able to say that without being stereotyped as some kind of Uncle Tom.<br />Since reunion I've found the writings of B.J. Lifton, Lorraine Dusky, Carol Schaefer, Florence Fisher, etc. informative and useful, and I know that they and many others - some not even mentioned in this discussion - have moved mountains to make it possible for adoptees and their natural parents to reconnect.<br /><br />I think it's great that Lorraine helped you to open up to your husband, and that you were able to extend that kind of openness to your son. I hope more women will find the courage to step up to the plate in that respect.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72868746950932878092012-11-21T06:59:26.258-05:002012-11-21T06:59:26.258-05:00Anon 1:47, that's what I thought you meant by ...Anon 1:47, that's what I thought you meant by specific emotional burdens. It's very clear that people in real life deal with adoption in multiple ways, depending on who they are, the circumstances of relinquishment, and the relationship (good or bad) with a-parents. I thought this recent post from KAD Neverforgottenisfound really set it out well from an adoptee perspective: http://neverforgottenisfound.wordpress.com/2012/11/19/the-great-struggle-to-forgive-what-is-unforgivable/<br /><br />I think it would be a mistake to apply everything one reads in Adopt-o-land to all people all the time. Every story is different and giving your adult child the space to tell the story without you projecting one on him/her may have been helpful to both of you. Beehivenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88382572675770535812012-11-20T13:47:15.627-05:002012-11-20T13:47:15.627-05:00Mtsteed, I could be wrong (although I don't th...Mtsteed, I could be wrong (although I don't think so), but I think everyone who has lost a child or parent carries their own specific emotional burdens. Sometimes these individual issues can be very complicated, and for some people they are best kept separate from those of other people, at least while they are being sorted out. <br /><br />I have contributed in my own small way to adoption reform and shall continue to do so. Not everyone has to be - or is able to be - on the front lines.<br /><br />I repeat, I am very glad I didn't get swept up into the heat of other peoples feelings when I was sorting out my own. No insult was intended. I am sorry it was taken.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com