tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7206645315851571729..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Indiana passes compromise OBC bill; MO in the wingsLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger137125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28217807975425517972016-12-02T02:30:43.618-05:002016-12-02T02:30:43.618-05:00I am hoping in the state of Indiana that they pass...I am hoping in the state of Indiana that they pass this law for closed adoptions be aloud to be opened. I am looking for a brother and have been for more than 20 years but becuz it was a closed adoption every turn I make leads to a dead end. I am the only child left and would love the opportunity to meet my brother who today would be 45 years old. The adopted parents could have changed his name and so on but my goal is to one day find him and let him know I exist. If anyone reads this and can give me any info on how or what I can do please help me.. Thank you #sadinindianaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15125456418977305092016-04-10T19:05:33.546-04:002016-04-10T19:05:33.546-04:00Candy, this is for you and I'm sorry I didn...Candy, this is for you and I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner. I know whereof you speak. The in-fighting has turned many people off. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61937697315695952842016-03-01T21:05:55.649-05:002016-03-01T21:05:55.649-05:00COMMENTS CLOSED.<b>COMMENTS CLOSED.</b><br /><br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30590513342499320222016-03-01T18:34:19.642-05:002016-03-01T18:34:19.642-05:00here we go with the accusations..."pro-adopti...here we go with the accusations..."pro-adoption propaganda"...you must be very young, Lee. New & Olds kids were born 40 years ago, or maybe you did not read her story.<br />Laws and practices were a lot different then. Abusive men were able to get away with quite a lot, especially if they were married.<br />She was married to their father. That made it a lot harder to terminate his rights, for one thing.<br /><br />"unrealistic Hollywood script"....hahaha...I have lived long enough to know that Hollywood is not as crazy as real life. And a lot of "Hollywood scripts" are taken from real life. They change the names,etc. But, the stories often come right from real life.<br />One thing I agree with, and that is no loving woman feels good about giving her child away. And they fear ,and some of them know, that their children will be hurt by it.balsam9noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23630092201743783612016-03-01T18:13:51.069-05:002016-03-01T18:13:51.069-05:00New & Old,
when I was very young, I might have...New & Old,<br />when I was very young, I might have thought that I "knew" what was happening to other women, in their lives. I might have thought they could always control the "bad men."<br />Then, a friend, who had told me of her plans to start a new life with her children in Texas, was killed. She was close to completing a college degree.<br />One night, her ex-husband was waiting hidden near her front door, when she returned home from a date.<br />He shot her to death.<br />We have to do what we must to protect ourselves and our loved ones. No one knows your situation like you do.<br />And you have told your sons the truth, so they know , too.<br />I respect you, very much.balsam9noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39657962499698394642016-03-01T17:54:26.348-05:002016-03-01T17:54:26.348-05:00I agree with Ann, I received my entire court file....I agree with Ann, I received my entire court file. I still wanted my Original Birth Certificate, the ONE filled out at the time of my birth, I requested it and received it under the court order. Mine is correct as I knew the doctor who verified that it was fact when he signed his name on the line.<br /><br />The OBC belongs to the one born, no one else Balsam, especially, not a mother who surrendered her rights to the person the OBC belongs too. I'll leave you with the final notation in my court surrender document that clearly renounces any and all claims the mother may have to the child (sans identifying info)...<br /><br />IT IS HEREBY ORDERED AND ADJUDGED that the said child, Baby Girl xxxx, be and it hereby is, made a ward of the xxxx County Juvenile Court, permanently removed from the care, custody and control of said mother, Miss xxxx xxxx, xxxx South x, xxxx, xxxx, and said mother, Miss xxxx xxxx, be and she hereby is, permanently deprived of any and all rights to said child, said child is hereby placed in the care, custody and control of Mrs. xxxx xxxx, Chief Probation Officer, xxxx County Juvenile Court, with authorization to consent to the adoption of said child by such person or person as may be approved by the Superior Court of the State of xxxx.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63177070035713909902016-03-01T17:15:29.572-05:002016-03-01T17:15:29.572-05:00I am standing, clapping & cheering too!I am standing, clapping & cheering too!Merylnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15853013104354849522016-03-01T14:03:18.601-05:002016-03-01T14:03:18.601-05:00@ new and old
Standing, clapping, cheering.@ new and old<br />Standing, clapping, cheering.Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13633827351867865752016-03-01T13:39:23.157-05:002016-03-01T13:39:23.157-05:00Tiffany, your daughter is so lucky to have her OBC...Tiffany, your daughter is so lucky to have her OBC. I wish I had known this issue of sealing the OBC, so I could have got a copy of it for our son. Nobody (social workers) breathed a word about it to us! <br /><br />When we got the official adoption decree, it made sense that we would need a legal document showing we had adopted Lenny as our son and he wasn't just some kid we had kidnapped. But there really was no need for anything else, in our minds, so never in a million years would it have occurred to us that they would go and tamper with the facts regarding his birth! In fact, I believe FMF is where I was alerted to the OBC issue, which prompted me to revisit Lenny's file. I was utterly shocked to find that the OBC I remembered so vividly was not only gone, but it was replaced by one that said I had given birth to him. I found it really grotesque, and feel cheated that nobody discussed this with us. The file that they showed us before we adopted him had his OBC, so when they handed us what looked like that same file after the adoption was finalized, I assumed everything I had seen previously was in there. <br /><br />So much of what goes on in adoption is duplicitous, I feel embarrassed that I was so unaware even after we adopted Lenny.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10262864756215004372016-03-01T13:26:35.904-05:002016-03-01T13:26:35.904-05:00It is absolutely appalling when adults are called ...It is absolutely appalling when adults are called upon to defend their decisions to complete strangers on a blog. It is one aspect of the way in which adoption reform is discussed in public that bothers me tremendously. Mind you, I believe it is a woman's right to surrender because she knows herself and her circumstances best. Others here (and elsewhere, I might add) apparently do not. Jessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46727032717872956062016-03-01T12:46:11.416-05:002016-03-01T12:46:11.416-05:00Adoptees have to make themselves sympathetic witho...Adoptees have to make themselves sympathetic without slamming their natural mothers or adoptive parents. I'd suggest they concede that some mothers were promised lifetime anonymity but these were different times when unwed pregnancy among white girls was thought to lead to a lifetime of failure if others learned of the pregnancy.<br /><br />Times are different today --the non-judgmental "single mother" has replace "unwed mother." Forty percent of babies are born to single mothers. Human decency demands that adoptees should not continue to be outcasts, to bear the burden of bastardy. Birth certificates were amended to protect them from the stigma of bastardy. Now we know a child's past, his genetics, etc. cannot be wiped out by altering records. Adoptees should not continue to be punished by laws designed to help them. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42878655373034219062016-03-01T10:44:12.457-05:002016-03-01T10:44:12.457-05:00Now is the time for the first parents, adoptees an...Now is the time for the first parents, adoptees and supportive adoptive parents to band together and end the lies for all future adoption. Legislation and/or referendums need to be drafted to end amended birth certificates. Adoptions will continue to take place but the process can be changed to eliminate sealed files and falsified replacements. If we can get this passed in ONE state, the others will have a model to follow. Oregon and Ohio appear to have a supportive base and momentum. <br />Adoptive families mostly go along with whatever paperwork is presented to them. Some adoptive parents, like me, are offended by the present system. What if the adoptions in 2018 and beyond did not seal records? Sealed records could end.<br />momengineernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20675606477155553532016-03-01T09:35:45.302-05:002016-03-01T09:35:45.302-05:00Lee, you are you, and I am me. I don't think t...Lee, you are you, and I am me. I don't think that it will help to try to defend my decisions, to you. Nor do I feel it is necessary.new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20558692175551436052016-03-01T03:35:17.175-05:002016-03-01T03:35:17.175-05:00Anonymous asked if we changed our daughter's p...Anonymous asked if we changed our daughter's place of birth. No, we did not. <br /><br />I don't believe a person should have that kind of unchecked control over another person's history. She's my daughter, not a possession, and her history belongs to her- it's not mine to alter. I was already angry about her OBC alterations and listing us as her parents of birth when we are absolutely not. We hadn't realized that with an open adoption, they would still close the OBC and issue and amended BC. I honestly thought that kind of thing happened years ago, not today with all these agencies touting open adoption. Like Jay Iyer, we didn't know. I thought we would use an adoption decree document as our record as her legal parents. When I talk to people, they are surprised by this- I don't think the general public realized this goes on. I know I didn't realize this before it happened to us.<br /><br />My daughter does have a copy of her OBC tucked away in a safe deposit box, and her parents also have a copy. We bought extras before it was sealed. But the point is that she shouldn't have to depend upon us to provide her with something that should be hers without question. Once she reaches 18, she is an adult. That document should be hers, and she should be able to obtain a copy without any issue. I am not her gatekeeper when she is an adult. Although I get that some first mothers wanted secrecy, and some still do today, but one adult's rights do not supersede another adult's rights. <br /><br />My daughter knows her parents. We have her OBC. All four of us could go together to court and petition for her to get her own record, and she still could be denied. It's all very twisted.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-89110142403342342272016-03-01T01:29:05.081-05:002016-03-01T01:29:05.081-05:00And what should the counter approach be? Creating ...And what should the counter approach be? Creating the picture of the callous, selfish child abandoner, trying to uphold the false image of decent citizen? Who else would block access, after all?Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4387778415767039752016-03-01T00:20:03.749-05:002016-03-01T00:20:03.749-05:00New and old,
My mother didn't want me to tel...New and old, <br /><br />My mother didn't want me to tell my father anything about her life. I honored her choice.<br /><br />Hence, no lawyers or police or restraining orders needed.Jan girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-70395941459561866492016-02-29T23:32:56.523-05:002016-02-29T23:32:56.523-05:00Providing an adoptee with confidential information...Providing an adoptee with confidential information is the same as providing it to the general public unless the adoptee takes an oath of secrecy. Once the adoptee has the information, he/she can post it on the internet, put it in the local newspaper, broadcast it on the radio and TV. <br /><br />The adoption industry has created a picture of a natural mother, terrified her secret will come out and a mean-spirited adoptee tracking her down and causing her worst fear to come true. Adoptee advocates need to change the picture. Legalistic arguments about the difference between confidentiality and anonymity aren't going to cut it. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81373050135439758892016-02-29T20:47:52.816-05:002016-02-29T20:47:52.816-05:00Jane~ I was not being patronizing in the least, no...Jane~ I was not being patronizing in the least, nor was I attacking anyone. You seem to have missed the gist of what I was saying on all scores. Let me try again, as I know the written word misses a lot by way of tone: What I was saying is "Confidentiality is not a myth, but ideas of anonymity ARE a myth." <br />Yes, birth mothers could have been promised anonymity, but that would fall outside of statute - i.e. fall outside of what anyone would be empowered to have promised a birth mom, so it has no bearing on the matter at hand. And an adoptee is not the general public, so providing them their OBCs is not the same as opening the file to the general public. The essence of confidentiality as envisioned under law would be maintained.Jennifer L. Sarrohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09826886040431933155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10662636230937834312016-02-29T20:40:54.613-05:002016-02-29T20:40:54.613-05:00New and old, I don't get you. I am an adoptee ...New and old, I don't get you. I am an adoptee and a single mother. My child's father was violent to me and has threatened my life. I have a restraining order on him. But I kept my baby, despite how dangerous and insane he was. I think it is just like some sort of unrealistic Hollywood script to give your child away because your child's father is a loon. You could of done so many other things, like get his rights terminated, get him committed, have him arrested for attempted murder, go underground. All these choices would of made sense but giving away your sons? Hurting them like you did? Absolutely not. For centuries women have endured violence and abuse from men, especially drinking men, but no woman ever gave her children to strangers and felt it fine and dandy for them to call one of those strangers Mom. I have a hard time believing your story as it reeks of pro-adoption propaganda. And Lorraine, I was wondering what blog is now trashing this one? It is sad what adoption has done to all of us. Just more proof adoption is evil and causes upheaval not peace.Leenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8284771279287575792016-02-29T20:27:46.849-05:002016-02-29T20:27:46.849-05:00J-Law, your patronizing tone doesn't help your...J-Law, your patronizing tone doesn't help your cause. Contrary to what you state, providing OBCs to adoptees does violate the law of confidentiality of the OBC unless the law is changed. Court and other adoption records are not closed only to the public but to the parties--adoptees and adoptive parents--and their attorneys.<br /><br />Advocates do need to home their arguments but what you presented is sophistry. You don't know whether mothers were promised anonymity in perpetuity. Some likely were. This is not binding on legislators of course but many legislators believe mothers deserve protection regardless of whether the promises had a legal basis. <br /><br />The laws are unfair. Lots of laws are unfair. The way you change unfair laws is to find allies and develop arguments which engender sympathy. Attacking your best friends -- natural mothers - gets you nowhere. <br /><br />Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-89335332806117372332016-02-29T19:11:48.945-05:002016-02-29T19:11:48.945-05:00Jane~ As an adoptee advocate, I think it's rea...Jane~ As an adoptee advocate, I think it's really important that we hone our arguments regarding confidentiality. Whether or not confidentiality was promised to first mothers is irrelevant. The confidential nature of adoption records was written into state statutes - what that confidentiality entails is that the proceedings are closed to the public, and the file regarding the relinquishment and adoption is not accessible to the public. Now, what WASN'T included in statute (and truly is a myth) is ANONYMITY IN PERPETUITY. Anonymity is different from confidentiality, just at the subject of the relinquishment/adoption (the adoptee) should not be confused with the general public regarding accessing their adoption records. That's why providing OBCs to adoptees would not be violating any provisions - either in statute or otherwise given - for confidentiality. Jennifer L. Sarrohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09826886040431933155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11868049147061479532016-02-29T19:02:57.888-05:002016-02-29T19:02:57.888-05:00We were not asked if we wanted to change the place...We were not asked if we wanted to change the place of birth on our adopted son's birth certificate. I wonder if it is different when you adopt from foster care? In fact, nobody talked to us about his birth certificate at all, and we had absolutely no clue they made any changes at all to birth certificates of adoptees, when we adopted our son. <br /><br />I distinctly recall seeing his OBC when they showed us his file. When we received the file upon finalization of the adoption, we assumed it was what we had seen before. It wasn't until months later, when I casually perused the file, that I saw the change - and it totally creeped me out to see my name instead of Lenny's mother's name. I started leafing through the binder frantically and, of course, never found the OBC. It would never have occurred to us that a governmental agency, no less, would tamper with such a vital record. Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71968212481812762282016-02-29T18:03:05.767-05:002016-02-29T18:03:05.767-05:00This is great! I had supported the bill in Illinoi...This is great! I had supported the bill in Illinois, but was viciously attacked online by those who opposed it because of the veto. Then I was attacked by my first mother after she read the attacks of others. I got branded as anti open records, which I am not. I was the target of much criticism. Instead of being an ally for open records they branded me an enemy. The whole experience confused me, and turned me off off off to supporting any open records legislation. I simply didn't want to deal with the community that feigned support of open records. Some guidelines such as what you have outlined, if followed, might have prevented this.Candynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85491767684300312692016-02-29T12:39:39.464-05:002016-02-29T12:39:39.464-05:00I had no idea. Thanks for the information, Pris, A...I had no idea. Thanks for the information, Pris, Adopted One, and Tiffany.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-70061634291277604242016-02-29T11:28:43.882-05:002016-02-29T11:28:43.882-05:00As an FYI to all, my first post on this thread als...As an FYI to all, my first post on this thread also ran into difficulties. It was remedied when I signed out of my Google account after discussing the problem with Lorraine. I suggest people check with administrators before they assume they are being personally targeted. <br /><br />At Access Connecticut we have decided that the damage being wrought by disrespectful, hostile language and personal attacks within the adoptee rights community needs to be addressed by Rules of Conduct, which our Board approved on February 27, 2016. This kind of language/behavior harms members of the community, discourages others from joining, and sets back the entire cause. It is dishonoring of the very principles of human dignity we all purport to be fighting for.<br /><br />Our Rules of Conduct are pinned to the top of our Facebook page and is on our website. Any posts on our FB Page (which is open to the public) which fail to comply with our Rules of Conduct will be deleted. <br /> <br />If it would be helpful to any anyone else feel free to copy, use or adapt as you see fit. <br /><br />Access Connecticut Now, Inc.<br />Rules of Conduct<br /><br />For the organization to function optimally and foster open, productive dialogue it is essential that dialogue (in person, telephone or via email) be experienced as safe and welcoming by its members. The following Rules of Conduct are intended to promote such an environment.<br /><br />1. We will treat each other with respect and dignity in our language and conduct.<br /><br />2. There will be no name calling, swearing or offensive language, insults, humiliating, shaming, contempt or disgust directed at each other. Note that these behaviors, even if directed at someone outside the group, tend to create a hostile atmosphere. Strong feelings can be expressed with strong language without become hostile or emotionally violent. We will endeavor to “use our words” and express ourselves without demonizing others.<br /><br />3. Personally and politically sensitive and/or confidential information may be shared at meetings. If information shared at a meeting is requested to be confidential, every effort will be made to respect this confidentiality. If you wish to share something confidential discussed at a meeting, either confirm the information is available publicly or obtain the permission of the person who shared the information.<br /><br />4. We recognize we are all merely human, that perfect behavior is not possible at all times and it is understood we all make mistakes. Remember the power of an apology if you recognize you have violated one of these rules.<br /><br />Rev. 2.27.16 Karen Caffrey, LPChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08482783246037544144noreply@blogger.com