tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7509885345424792550..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Rejection: My Daughter--My 'birth' daughter always kept that option open in her mindLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73739110611677855022014-12-17T23:37:17.057-05:002014-12-17T23:37:17.057-05:00Lorraine, my son behaves so much like your daughte...Lorraine, my son behaves so much like your daughter, Jane. I thought that after 23 years in active face-to-face reunion we would reach some sort of plateau, but alas, that did not happen. Instead, he cut me out of his life "permanently." He's done this so many times over the years that my head is spinning. It's been two years now since he severed our relationhip. I know he's going to reappear one day, acting like nothing happened. It makes me feel tired...Ravennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20488417323961723762014-12-17T21:34:23.889-05:002014-12-17T21:34:23.889-05:00It's been several years since you wrote this, ...It's been several years since you wrote this, but thank you. For every last of it word thank you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-77635983758419061682010-10-23T19:08:37.362-04:002010-10-23T19:08:37.362-04:00Boy do these stories sound familiar to me. I am go...Boy do these stories sound familiar to me. I am going through a period of my birthdaughter not speaking to me after 6 weeks of finding each other. I have let this eat away at me and tare me up no more I have got to go on with my life and I hope she has closeure now that she knows whY I gave her away.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51351812082239619222009-08-01T16:09:54.548-04:002009-08-01T16:09:54.548-04:00Osolomama,
You hit the nail on the head...on the d...Osolomama,<br />You hit the nail on the head...on the day, that I had waited 19 years for (we have a law in this state..you can not reunite until the adoptee is 19 and only with their written consent)the amom sent a letter to the social worker that she was to give to her (we met at the adoption agency where i had placed her).It read and I quote "This is like putting a gun to my head".<br />Now tell me..did I have a chnce for a relationship at all!!!<br />Sooo threatened by me..and all I wanted to see was how my baby grew up and if she was well-cared for and okay in life.<br />I really feel i did not have a chance from the very beginning..her (birthdaughter)mind was already set..the other thing adoptees need to learn is to "give up the fantasy". We are just normal people..most of us do not live in castles.I feel she was sooo disappointed in who I was..unlike, Joni Mitchell, whose daughter fully acepted her.Why not..after all she was Joni Mitchell!!<br />My birthdaughter is now 39..you would think she would have a little more understanding by now. I wanted her to have the life i could not provide for her at that time in my life..how hard is that to understand.....<br />Life is short. Someday you learn "too late" that maybe your birthmother actually was a good person with feelings not just an incubator.Joannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28906654837859577012009-08-01T12:17:14.092-04:002009-08-01T12:17:14.092-04:00It's been a couple months of months since you ...It's been a couple months of months since you wrote this article, Lorraine, but I so identify with you.<br />My heart goes out to you for the lost of your daughter but i feel the problems she had were within herself. For 15 years I have been beating up myself. I have finally stopped. I have finally accepted that I need to be grateful for just being able to see her, meet her, look into her eyes and touch her hair when other birthmothers will never have that chance. I, too, was rejected and it hurt more than words can ever explain but for sooo long I let it ruin my life...guess what...NO MORE.<br />I spent some time with her. She gave me a year and in that time I worked my butt off trying to do everything for her..all thrown into one year. You name it..I did it...so much so that I did not even realize what was going on in my own house..a husband who went through quad bipass (heart) that same year..yes, I was that wrapped up in her. And in the end she threw me away anyway.<br />It has now been over 15 years..I have not seen or heard from her..<br />I did write a book (not published) if it will help..let me know..<br />You are not alone and the rest of us (bithmothers) are here to catch your tears.Joannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55109440550270201692009-06-26T17:07:25.263-04:002009-06-26T17:07:25.263-04:00I am going through the same thing. It hurts more ...I am going through the same thing. It hurts more than I can say. To my daughter I'm an inconvenience. I'm too easy to ignore. She says she loves me but, actions speak louder than words. I call, she does not return my calls. <br /><br />Today, I managed to get her and not her answering machine. So, lucky for me. /sarcasm<br /><br />I'm trying to get out from under the depression, and the rejection, but some days it's all but impossible.<br /><br />She has so many "good" excuses. She works midnights. Her husband is having an affair. Her mother in law is dying of cancer. Her son is acting out in day care. Beating up other kids. The two days she has off she has to run around "with" him to get things done. She has to pick up my grandson from her parents. Yadda Yadda.<br /><br />I've asked if I can baby sit, even once a month. So at least I can sit on the floor and play with him. She will not say yes or no to that question. She just keeps telling me all she has to do.<br /><br />I don't want to be part of the problem, I want to be part of the solution. So, I back off.<br /><br />About a year ago, I made the mistake of telling her that I wished I had never listened to the doctor, church elders, family and kept her. I told her that I hated the "adoption machine." She asked me in a patronizing way. "What if you had never met us?" I stared off into the distance and didn't answer. But, inside I was screaming that maybe I would not hurt as much as I do now.<br /><br />Today is a very bad day. I can't live on seeing my grandson, and her only once or twice a year. I suppose that many will say. But, at least you get to see them once in a while. Sorry but that's not good enough. Nothing, no glossing this over will ever take away the extreme pain of rejection and grief that I feel. <br /><br />My husband gets angry with me for trying to contact her. He says to hell with her, she doesn't care why should you? He does not understand. So I hide my pain from him because to tell him will only cause him to get mad at me. There are no support groups here, and no psychiatrists. I managed to get into one for a couple of sessions. All he said is that's something we may not be able to change. Ok so... then HOW the HELL do I go on with my life?<br /><br />Medication is all they give. <br /><br />God help us, no one understands the pain, but ourselves. <br /><br />Dieing of a broken heart in Windsor, Ontario, CanadaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42048566668519531582009-04-08T08:49:00.000-04:002009-04-08T08:49:00.000-04:00Oh bother, I just wrote a long post and then it di...Oh bother, I just wrote a long post and then it directed me to sign into WordPress and I lost the whole thing. But here's a recap of what I said. It seems as though reunion does sometimes lead to the torn feelings you describe. That's not to say I'd discourage it; far from it. <BR/><BR/>I wonder if you follow Dawn Friedman over at This Woman's Work. She put up a really interesting post recently on how parents sometimes seflishly guard their emotional relationships with their children to the point of not letting anyone else "have" them. She talked about her MIL and her first child (I believe) candidly in this regard. It's a process we all go through but eventually, secure parents always let go and let their kids--especially adult kids--have significant emotional relationships with other people that don't involve them. I was just musing if this might not be one of the very basic problems with reunions, leading to the adoptee feeling torn and guilty for associating with the first parent. Thoughts?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13961320866069920312009-04-07T17:36:00.000-04:002009-04-07T17:36:00.000-04:00Thanks for your response. Osolomama...I feel that ...Thanks for your response. Osolomama...I feel that you get "it," more than most aparents even want to try. After listening to Jane for all those years, I think she was always torn...the closer she got to me, the more she had to pull away from her amom. It was impossible for her to be comfortable when both of us were in the room. <BR/><BR/>But what do you mean by reunion not addressing the feelings of the adoptee? Jane wanted to search, and had told her amother that; I was desperate to reconnect. The way adoption was designed in those "good ole' days" was not set up to accommodate a reunion, or two mothers. Conflict was--and still is--built into the situation.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53432431701249520812009-04-07T09:39:00.000-04:002009-04-07T09:39:00.000-04:00It seems from your story and Linda’s that it’s eas...It seems from your story and Linda’s that it’s easy for everyone to make the first mother the scapegoat. How tragic. Your anguish is palpable. As I read pieces of your story, it often reminds me that when highly charged events such as a reunion occur, people polarize in order to avoid their true feelings. Better to have one’s little perch of anger shielding one from true emotional growth or self-disclosure, which is much harder. (Maybe your book will knock some people off their perch.) I don’t know the details of your relationship with your daughter’s a-parents or her suicide, but my heart breaks whenever you mention it. Your daughter feeling "guilty" for having a good time. . .ouch. Wonder what the source of that was (she says, clenching her jaw). <BR/><BR/>Why is it so difficult to blend families without people feeling so deeply threatened. Moreover, it seems as though reunion may not address the feelings of the adoptee.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84158042437973746972009-04-06T21:04:00.000-04:002009-04-06T21:04:00.000-04:00Lorraine, this breaks my heart. No doubt because m...Lorraine, this breaks my heart. No doubt because my son has treated me the same way -- without compassion or consideration. He wants me to know how it feels and, yup, I guess I do...<BR/><BR/>HUGS, DeniseAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73781589713539298792009-04-06T14:12:00.000-04:002009-04-06T14:12:00.000-04:00It seems someone has to be at "fault."Not circumst...It seems someone has to be at "fault."<BR/><BR/>Not circumstances, not the father; it <I>must</I> have been a conscious decision on the mothers part to hurt the child?!<BR/><BR/>I sometimes wonder about the lack of perceived responsibilty on the firstfathers part.<BR/>Why are they not the object of a comparable deep seated hurt?<BR/>Had he made a different decision the whole triptych might have unfolded completely differently.<BR/><BR/>I do understand the connection between a woman and her offspring.<BR/>But I find it interesting that half of the imagined reason for the condition the child finds themself in is largely forgotten when the blood boils.<BR/>It's unfair.Erniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14688650798225166060noreply@blogger.com