tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post783028175210767281..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Natural and Adoptive Families: Let's Gather TogetherLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54622623694445422102013-10-11T09:01:05.478-04:002013-10-11T09:01:05.478-04:00This thread has been really illuminating.
As a fi...This thread has been really illuminating.<br /><br />As a first mother, I thought the reason my son didn't invite me to my grandson's first birthday party was because, ultimately, despite the affection between us, I wasn't really that important to him (to my son, I mean). <br /><br />I thought that perhaps I was interesting to him, in terms of his origins, but in the big familial scheme of things, that I was a minor part of his family, on the outer edge, dispensible, especially if my presence caused conflict with his (hostile and contemptuous) afamily.<br /><br />It's also been very heartwarming to hear the stories of the different families mingling, but I suspect that reunions very much reflect the individual characters within them: the generous people will be generous in reunion, the self-absorbed will be self-absorbed etc. Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26632386984469737722012-03-14T15:22:44.567-04:002012-03-14T15:22:44.567-04:00I have been very lucky with my sons' adoptive ...I have been very lucky with my sons' adoptive family. We started out with a closed adoption, and it opened when they were 9 & 11. 14 years later, we really are one big happy family (adoptive and natural). We have dinners together (I was just at their house for my granddaughter's 1st birthday dinner). It has never felt like a competition with my sons' parents. It has rarely been awkward. I know when I need to give them space (when my granddaughter was born, I went to see them the next day, figuring his parents would want to spend the first day with them).<br /><br />It can be done...it just takes work.<br /><br />CindyCindyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345698209385697245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91114373812856574742012-01-30T21:34:19.009-05:002012-01-30T21:34:19.009-05:00it has been fascinating to read this conversation....it has been fascinating to read this conversation. the major 'take away' point for me is that we must all be child focused (or adoptee focused). it really is not about what adoptive or birth parents want but rather what works for the adopteeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22046721637228554352011-12-13T08:32:41.755-05:002011-12-13T08:32:41.755-05:00I don't think meeting the APs who were involve...I don't think meeting the APs who were involved in the coercion that separated us for so long would be healthy for me. Their actions were beyond hurtful. They went along with changing her birth date to conceal her location. I took a long time and hours of counseling to deal with the fall out. I hated hurting her when I told her the truth.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35355813910799936922011-12-05T18:49:23.052-05:002011-12-05T18:49:23.052-05:00As an adoptee this sounds like a scenario that cou...As an adoptee this sounds like a scenario that could potentially turn into the parents having all the control, the adoptee is powerless and yet he or she is responsible for seeing that everyone's emotional needs are met.<br /><br />Ring any bells?Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19526659291916629602011-12-02T18:10:03.139-05:002011-12-02T18:10:03.139-05:00Michele -
WOW - my advice - have local sheriff p...Michele - <br /><br />WOW - my advice - have local sheriff park outsideStruggeling Fulcrumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23474286147947865902011-12-01T17:34:45.849-05:002011-12-01T17:34:45.849-05:00I have maintained a separate relationship with my ...I have maintained a separate relationship with my two families for many of the same reasons already mentioned by other adoptees. My adad finally met my nmum on my son's 3rd birthday, nearly 11 years after my reunion with her. I was happy for them to meet and it went very well, but that is because my adad is a lovely person who understands how important the reunion journey has been for me. My aparents are long divorced, and the only encounter my amum has had with any of my nfamily was a very brief, very awkward moment in the hospital when my son was born. My amum did not stay for introductions, just said something about there being a strong resemblance, and then bolted. I don't know if she will ever be ready to meet my nmum and nfamily properly. She is so completely threatened by my relationship with them, she says my nmum's name like it is a dirty word. I have kept them separate because they do not belong together, I belong with both of them, separately. In a perfect world, we would all be together for family gatherings, but my amum is far too much of a narcissist for that. Lucky for me my nmum doesn't make me feel even remotely guilty about that. She is happy having a relationship with me, her daughter, and doesn't feel the need to force herself into the family that raised me because she knows that it would just cause problems for me.Erimenthahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12059282119494153938noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34540933824736023452011-12-01T09:49:03.919-05:002011-12-01T09:49:03.919-05:00I only met my son's adoptive parents once. His...I only met my son's adoptive parents once. His father came with me. My son's afather's opening was: "Someone in my family gave a child up for adoption. She's had so many abortions that she figured she'd better have this one." His amom asked me if my father was a thief because my son was a thief. <br /><br />Rather bizarrely they went on to be quite friendly to my son's father inviting him for dinner etc. for a while. I really think as a father he was perceived as less of a threat. <br /><br />They told my son they were just fine with me being in the picture. I don't think it's true. They promised to share some photographs but never did.<br /><br />I think it is hard for some AP's to get their heads around the truth of who their kid's parents really are.<br /><br />My son predicted that when we met, the AP's would do nothing but complain about him because they did that everywhere. He was right. As his father and I walked back to our cars he said to me "He hasn't had it easy with those two."Unsigned Masterpiecehttp://unsignedmasterpiece.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-70532374977836829422011-12-01T00:13:50.158-05:002011-12-01T00:13:50.158-05:00If only this could happen, that everyone who loves...If only this could happen, that everyone who loves and is committed to a child, (grown or not) could set aside their fears and differences and rally for the child who is both of theirs. <br /><br />If only aparents could see bparents as humans, the first family who mourns the loss of their child, show them a little respect, not just the condescending "you gave us the ultimate gift." This is not a Christmas present. It took our souls and hearts. Something we have to suffer with forever. <br /><br />When they want to seek out their history, their roots, why they are not with their family of origin, let them find the truth. Support them in this. It is unlikely that they will desert you once they find their birth family. In fact, they will likely appreciate you more, if you have provided them with a loving, stable environment.<br /><br />Reunion is a rough road. It doesn't always turn out for the best. But it is so necessary, for all parties. We need to know (mothers, fathers and adoptees) in order to move on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52751226973757329802011-11-30T18:26:06.616-05:002011-11-30T18:26:06.616-05:00glory:
Don't assume your son is in constant ...glory: <br /><br />Don't assume your son is in constant communication with his adoptive mother. Lots of sons are not in frequent communication with their families, whether there is an adoption in the picture or not. We always imagine the other situation is wonderful (and ours not-so-hot)but that may not be the case at all. <br /><br />I know one adoptee who did not want to search in the 80s when the infamous Searcher was finding whomever he set out to find, and so the adoptee turned down my offer of a referral. Fifteen years later wanted to know if I could still put him in touch...well, no, I couldn't. In the 80s, my offer was seen as quite invasive to his adoptive parents--they were relieved that he did need to know. As far as I know, he has been unable to find his birth mother, and he rarely is in touch with his adoptive parents. He had moved several states away in his late teens. Such is life.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42564759253576567372011-11-30T18:06:03.657-05:002011-11-30T18:06:03.657-05:00"I have many relationships that are separate ..."I have many relationships that are separate from other relationships, for reasons less stressful than adoption."<br /><br />I'm with you there.<br />For all that "tis the season to be jolly", let's not get carried away, shall we?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63253950772517191722011-11-30T14:33:58.913-05:002011-11-30T14:33:58.913-05:00@ anon 6:38 am- I know, right? My ap's got wha...@ anon 6:38 am- I know, right? My ap's got what they wanted- a baby. They have no use for her. I have listened to them call my first mother "THAT woman" for years, and now they call my n siblings "THOSE people". I finally told them "THAT woman and THOSE people are my family and if you cannot refer to them by their names, don't refer to them at all." <br /> <br />When I was speaking with my f Mother, she would do the same thing, as far as making off color remarks about the way I was raised, whether it was my religion, my political views and even my level of education. My n father has done the same. As far as I am concerned, they lost the right to complain about the way I was raised when they relinquished me, and it is certainly not my fault the way I was raised. (and before I get attacked, I was NOT surrendered, I was relinquished- I know many women did not voluntarily give their babies away, but mine did) <br /> <br /> I think the bottom line is that it really needs to be up to the adoptee and what they are comfortable with- but I have yet to see a situation where it is all one big happy pile of people, except for Janet, who has posted in this thread. I am happy for her daughter, but agree that it may be somewhat easier since the adopter was an adoptee. <br /> <br />As Julie said, there really is no reason for it. I have many relationships that are separate from other relationships, for reasons less stressful than adoption.Real Daughterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16361127479878590761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-862488673285927722011-11-30T13:30:14.058-05:002011-11-30T13:30:14.058-05:00@ Michele - after reading your post it makes me re...@ Michele - after reading your post it makes me realize how so much more complicated modern families really are (probably they always were, but now it is just more out in the open). A friend recently attended a wedding where there were many 1/2 sibs, step-parents, ex-husbands/wives, adulterers (!) etc. Complicated but workable if everyone is willing to put their personal stuff aside for a while.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74284628479677526132011-11-30T13:28:05.340-05:002011-11-30T13:28:05.340-05:00When my reunion began 12 years ago, my son informe...When my reunion began 12 years ago, my son informed me I was NOT to meet his adoptive mom. As the years have gone by, the frequency of communication from him has become less and less. I do wonder if his absolute insistence of no interaction between me and the adoptive mom hasn't contributed to that. It has to be so difficult to compartmentalize his busy life so something had to give. I was the one pushed further away.gloryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09534151592600609454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81174295134146080032011-11-30T12:18:01.613-05:002011-11-30T12:18:01.613-05:00Well I am certainly feeling like the odd man out i...Well I am certainly feeling like the odd man out in this discussion.<br /><br />I have spent time at my daughters adopted mothers home on several occasions. Our first meeting was at her invitation. I have returned on a few more occasions and have been there on my own when my daughter wasn't visiting. We get along very well and our daughter is very happy for the relationship we all have. My raised daughter has visited with me there and adopted Mom has been to a family gathering at my nephews house as well.<br />Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her adopted mother is also adopted. She encouraged all three of her adopted children to find their natural families. Only her son refuses and says he has no interest. But she still encourages him. I am sure that it also has alot to do with the fact that we all pretty much share the sames ideas about religion and politics.<br /> My daughter was not adopted into a well to do family. She was raised in a rural area in the Midwest and learned the value of money as well as life. Her adopted family was and still is big on volunteer work and sharing what they have. I share most of those same values and believe that is why we have a good relationship.<br /><br />Having said all that, of course it has it's awkward moments. But I have many more moments like that with my own natural family. Though I must say my reltionship with my own family has improved since my reunion with my daughter. I think they as well are glad the silence is over.<br /> All relationships take effort and knowing when to bend if they are to survive. <br />We (Daughter,Grandaughter, Adopted Mom, myself and and families) are all of the mindset that we are going to make this work.Janetnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23473189368664721252011-11-30T12:17:40.816-05:002011-11-30T12:17:40.816-05:00Maybe: It was not "unfeminist" to say th...Maybe: It was not "unfeminist" to say that women are treated differently when they are with a man--we are! Unless we are a celebrity of some sort, women generally get more respect (especially from the salt-of-the-earth types who adopted) if we have a male partner standing next to us, validating our right to be treated with respect. <br /><br />Just by their presence, a male partner conveys a wordless protection that helps others hold their tongues. (I doubt a lesbian partner could do the same dealing with a straight [adoptive] couple.) It's not only true in the situation we are talking about--meetings of birth and adoptive families--but sadly, true in life. I freely admit that I have been fortunate to have my husband around sometimes when I have been with the adoptive parents. Her father can relate to him (and he was less threatened by my presence), and it just makes it easier to share the experience of feeling that I am on trial--because that never really left. I think part of it was that I was a lapsed Catholic living in <i>New York</i>--and that is always suspect to a lot of people not from one of the coasts. <br /><br />I did not go to my daughter's high school graduation because I could not face her entire family, on their turf, a thousand miles plus away from my home, <i>alone.</i> We could not afford to have both of us attend. I totally freaked out about going (I was invited) and was losing sleep and going into high anxiety gear, and so I said I could not come. My daughter did not hold it against me.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12903927136326036912011-11-30T11:59:11.250-05:002011-11-30T11:59:11.250-05:00Julie: Thanks for your sharing your experience, c...Julie: Thanks for your sharing your experience, could I ask you a favor when you comment again? Please click the Name button, you did not need a url to use that, unless you have one and want to include it. Just your name "Julie" will show up and that makes it easier for everyone to follow the thread of who is talking at a glance. Including us.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26249644099486240902011-11-30T11:58:42.837-05:002011-11-30T11:58:42.837-05:00I haven't met the adoptive parents (other than...I haven't met the adoptive parents (other than catching the a-father spying on me outside my house one day early in reunion).<br /><br />My son kept saying "my parents really want to meet you" which led me to believe that they were pushing the idea but he was not really on board. I said I didn't think it was the right time but what did he think about the situation? He never answered the question and seemed relieved to let it drop.<br /><br />My reasons for not wanting to meet them at that point were varied. First, it was just too early and my emotions were so raw I could in no way envision my making it through a dinner. Second, I didn't want my son to be uncomfortable or feel like he had to be some sort of facilitator for ANYONE so I could not see putting him in that position. He told me a few things about his a-mother's personality that led me to conclude that we are VERY different types of women. This could have been quite stressful for all, but especially my son. Third, at the time I didn't have a man to be my blocker - I know this is quite un-feminist of me to say, but people treat you differently when you are with a man than when you are alone - they are less likely to be aggressively rude or make inappropriate comments/questions when a big guy is at the table with you. That's just been my experience, feminism aside. I just couldn't see myself sitting there alone feeling like an inquisition (or execution?) was about to occur.<br /><br />The issue has not come up again but if it does I will keep an open mind as I continue to evolve is this reunion experience.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67503803603942918582011-11-30T08:49:13.566-05:002011-11-30T08:49:13.566-05:00No one is really keeping anyone in the closet.
I...No one is really keeping anyone in the closet. <br /><br />I allowed my mother to keep me as her dirty little secret for the first 12 years of our reunion. Last year, I contacted my half-sister and took myself out of the closet. As an adult, my mother does not control my actions. But I did have to accept that she would probably never send me another annual holiday card referencing the weather (our only contact) if I took matters into my own hands and revealed her secret. <br /><br />In this sense, I can make the leap to what was said in the post. But if the analogy is going to made, take it all the way. No one is stopping adoptive parents and first parents from meeting each other. If you want to meet your son or daughter's adoptive parents, you can always take matters into your own hands. Just be prepared to accept the consequences. <br /><br />It is my feeling that the analogy does diverge, however, when it comes to purpose. My mother still wants nothing to do with me. But I now have a relationship with my sister. Who is my family. My sibling. Connecting with her provides me with a sense of identity and of where I came from. We were born of the same mother and share personality traits, interests, and talents. She is providing me with what our mother won't. Because of my sister, I now feel connected to a certain part of myself. <br /><br />I just don't see how first parents meeting adoptive parents offers a similar purpose. But again, it's not like one adult can really stop another adult from contacting someone.<br /><br />- JulieAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23727069988669881482011-11-30T06:38:45.859-05:002011-11-30T06:38:45.859-05:00Silly me. I thought, just perhaps, that my child&#...Silly me. I thought, just perhaps, that my child's adopters would be welcoming to an occasional sight of the mother who lost while they gained after I found MY child. <br /><br />After all, we met and spent time together before my child was born, they went to doctors visits with me, they courted me via taking me out to lunche and dinner and the like. They even promised, yes PROMISED, that they would stay in touch throughout my child's life with updates, pictures, videotapes and even visits. That only lasted few years, but hey, they would be 'civil' to me when I found my child and even invite me to my child's graduation, right? WRONG. <br /><br />Adopters don't want you. They want your infant. The possessiveness and jealousy will win out every time.<br /><br />I am a firm believer in this: You disrespect where that child came from and you disrespect that child. There sure an awful lot of children being disrespected right now; including mine... <br /><br />The procurement of my infant would have never happened without the false promises that were made to me. I am sure the sight of my face would have reminded them of that fact; just as the thought of me must do...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17100654937673026532011-11-29T23:29:30.479-05:002011-11-29T23:29:30.479-05:00All my parents did meet. The experiences were hor...All my parents did meet. The experiences were horrible for me. <br /><br />Humiliating even. <br /><br />I have freaked out before just because I have had two instances where they have visited back to back. It just destroys my equilibrium. <br /><br />I have gotten remarks that made me sting about my child's resemblance of me, much less my natural parents.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48557898860864454542011-11-29T23:29:03.612-05:002011-11-29T23:29:03.612-05:00All my parents did meet. The experiences were hor...All my parents did meet. The experiences were horrible for me. <br /><br />Humiliating even. <br /><br />I have freaked out before just because I have had two instances where they have visited back to back. It just destroys my equilibrium. <br /><br />I have gotten remarks that made me sting about my child's resemblance of me, much less my natural parents.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30894240679439800072011-11-29T23:14:21.129-05:002011-11-29T23:14:21.129-05:00"I have to admit I'm surprised how strong..."I have to admit I'm surprised how strongly some of our adoptee readers reacted to this post.<br /><br />Of course no one can make anyone be friends with someone. I'm suggesting that both adoptive and birth parents make an effort to meet. I would not expect adoptees to do this all on their own nor be responsible for how the meeting turns out. <br /><br />Once adoptive and birth parents meet, I'd think they would be civil, if not cordial. If they're comfortable, they can get to know each other. <br /><br />I believe that meeting Rebecca's adoptive parents would have improved my relationship with her."<br /><br />To me though, when you said this "For ever birth mother cowing in the closet, there’s an adoptee refusing to let her own out.", you are making out that is our fault that the parents aren't meeting, whereas the adoptee may just know what both parties can handle. Have you ever thought that, in fact, the adoptee is trying to protect you from their adoptive family? <br /><br />I think my APs would have handled meeting my first mother but my brother has never had any wish for his first mother to meet our mum. However, he is not doing this because he is ashamed of his first mother, in fact he calls her mum and our amom by her first name (he does have an issue with her related to something else), but because he doesn't feel he can handle it. <br /><br />My extended bfamily and afamily haven't yet met - I don't plan on pushing it but it will probably happen one day. However, my bfamily is MY family, they aren't my afamily's family so if it happens, it has to happen naturally.<br /><br />It is different to not meeting bsiblings because bsiblings are our blood. Afamily and nfamily are no relation to each other.cbnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23820210001087593282011-11-29T22:50:36.209-05:002011-11-29T22:50:36.209-05:00My first mother has made it clear that she has no ...My first mother has made it clear that she has no desire to ever meet my adoptive mother. My adoptive mother s actually hurt by this.<br />Every situation really is different.Beenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40706392578821606202011-11-29T22:40:55.449-05:002011-11-29T22:40:55.449-05:00Wow! That will be quite a gathering, Michele.Wow! That will be quite a gathering, Michele.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.com