tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7849734571153691512..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: They call me "biological mother." I hate those words.Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51097080743170813092021-05-05T11:06:39.275-04:002021-05-05T11:06:39.275-04:00In the beginning of reunion, I loved the term. It...In the beginning of reunion, I loved the term. It was showing that my connection to my son was forever, and could never be erased.<br />Later I grew to hate it, as I saw and read how people used it to degrade us mothers who lost our children to adoption. <br />I also feel birth mother related only to the act of giving birth with no regard to the nine months of pregnancy, and no regard to all that we and our children go through when losing us.starrlarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00177136867237429621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11167736395460910582015-05-05T18:14:26.245-04:002015-05-05T18:14:26.245-04:00I want to see mentoring parents as an option
mom w...I want to see mentoring parents as an option<br />mom who is mom and raising her baby with an adoptive mommy and daddy mentors <br />Adoption as is , is like legal kid napping , getting one to sign a temporary situation for a life time <br />I never wanted to give up my baby but I was so manipulated and cornered to do so<br />All in the name of God <br />and afterwards I had to kiss her but and not complain about what they said to me about the adoption so I was able to give him a gift <br />The adoptive mom loved seeing me grovel before her for years and I did this just to give my son a gift and hear about him <br />Originally when I had asked for visitation rights they said this is of god and you know it<br />and I said if this was of god you would of help me keep him<br />she said now your not being very nice now aren't you and hung up<br />you never loved him<br />you suffer with low self esteem and you still do<br />you never excepted the fact that you gave him up for adoption <br /><br />I said to the adoptive dad about the adoptive mom that she had a baby and she was able to keep her baby when she was young<br />and her husband said well she had a family and you didn't ( she had a baby and kept hers and then became infertile <br />he said god helps those who helps themselves<br />and I 'm a great business man and I did everything right so you could never get your baby<br />back<br />talk about what I was in the mercy of <br />but I hope adoption stops it's a baby business and prey on the un privilege that is pushed on you that this is the only answer <br />it's so cruel to manipulate a mother to do this TV Websites Drs Nurses<br />It would be so nice if the infertile population would become so loving graceful towards real options for us because this is far worse than loosing an limb if you can be so kind and step up to be an a adoptive mentor parents<br />Then mom is mom :-) and you be the support group that we don't have in our lives and we share this responsibility together because I'm sorry but we never get over the pain and move on in life under these cruel conditions and you can't move on in yours because you want to be a parent <br />If we pull in as a team of love the baby is loved by mom and the baby supportive parent mentors<br />We can make this work it does not have to be handled in such a cruel option for us<br />I want to see that this is a love option how mom keeps baby and shares baby with an infertile couple <br />This is freedom to a terrible wound that does not need to happen to us<br />Adoption is a form of slavery a lose that one never gets over . We are crippled for life so it's not an option <br />so please free us from this baby machine manipulated option and give us the love and support that we need<br />to keep our babies and give us as an option to have you as an adoptive mentor parents <br />either it be weekends week day nights arrangement . I hope one day this ends and we can join forces to work together as a team instead that<br />you want us to face the fact that we agree to this <br />If it is so easy for us to move on with our lives why could you have not face the fact you can't have a baby and move on with yours ?<br />please work with us in love not against us in selfishness on your part let there be a sharing<br />network<br /> New option that everyone loves and help raise baby<br />please stop adoption for it ruins us and destroys the birth moms life with an incomplete lost and we can't mentally get over our lost<br />It's like the infertile couple is passing there disease onto us and it is hard to cope so please step forward and lets be a whole family of love no one is outcasted <br /><br />thank you <br />birth mom who wants change of love Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74656348115888808542012-08-20T18:32:39.215-04:002012-08-20T18:32:39.215-04:00COMMENTS CLOSED. COMMENTS CLOSED. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85505084569114840552011-02-12T11:02:22.400-05:002011-02-12T11:02:22.400-05:00Anon,
Please check out our statement on adoption ...Anon,<br /><br />Please check out our statement on adoption on the side bar. You'll see that your comments about our views on adoption are wrong.<br /><br />You're also wrong in stating that the birth mother initiated adoption proceedings. Only the prospective adoptive parents can can bring the legal proceedings that lead to adoption. <br /><br />The birth mother went to an adoption agency to learn about adoption. In all probability, the adoption workers convinced her to give up her child. This may have been the best for her and the baby. In many cases, however, adoption leads to pain and trauma for both mother and child. Adoption workers are paid by adoptive parents and many will use any tactic to get a baby.<br /><br />I hope that you will show some compassion to your niece's birth mother should you ever meet her.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67937157302118936682011-02-11T23:24:37.452-05:002011-02-11T23:24:37.452-05:00My brother and sister-in-law adopted a baby. Does ...My brother and sister-in-law adopted a baby. Does this mean they're evil? After reading some of these posts..."mother 'lost' her baby to adoption"..."attempt to redeem bastard by adoption..." etc. etc..., this is the impression that I'm getting: that my brother and sister-in-law are some heinous couple who actually stole a baby away from some saintly mother who would have sacrificed anything to keep him! But that wasn't the case. The case was the mother who gave birth to the baby didn't want him. Isn't it the birth-mother who must initiate the adoption proceedings? Isn't that the legal requirement? Because this birth mother certainly did. She didn't "lose" her baby, she "chose" to give him away. My brother and sister-in-law are not kidnappers. Project your regret and hostility elsewhere. Look in the mirror--the failure to love an commit to the child is yours, no one else's. That's why you're called the "birth mother." In the end, that's all you were willing to do.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65528085026782140952010-09-25T22:12:04.763-04:002010-09-25T22:12:04.763-04:00My name is Marilynn and I reunite families for fre...My name is Marilynn and I reunite families for free. <br />I never use the term birth mother. I never use the term adoptive mother. I don't care who it offends<br />You are a mother if you have offspring. <br />You are not a mother if you do not have offspring.<br />I refer to the people that adopted someone I'm helping as "the people that adopted you" "the family that raised you" "the family you were raised with"<br />I refer to women and men looking for their children as Mother, Father, Mom, Dad, Momma, Papa, Pops or any other normal variation of the term that needs no qualifier. I refer to their children as their children, their babies, daughters, sons. <br />I'm sorry but its the truth. You can adopt someone else's child, but that child will never be your child it will always be theirs.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10397430282806107532010-02-27T19:06:14.014-05:002010-02-27T19:06:14.014-05:00I am a potential adoptive mother and am curious if...I am a potential adoptive mother and am curious if, as mothers, you feel that there is ever an acceptable situation for an adoption. I very badly would like to raise a family and adoption is our only option. If we are successful in adopting, I would like for it to be an open adoption (if the child/ren's mother is interested in that). <br /><br />I guess my questions are: IF mothers (and adult adopted children) see adoption as an acceptable situation, is open adoption generally the most desired choice (within the community of mothers who share feelings about such things)? Also, in your opinion what IS the most loving, sensitive way to distinguish to a child their parentage? It would be my desire to ensures/he knows that s/he is loved by both the mother who allowed him/her to be adopted and the woman who is raising him/her with love. Of course, as the child/ren's adoptive parent, I would want for him/her to call me mom (or some derivation) and still treasure the mother that allowed me to share the joy of motherhood. <br /><br />I hope that my questions don't offend. I simply want to have the joy of a family and to instill a love in the child/ren I raise both for the family they lost and the family they've gained. I hope you can help as the opportunity for me to parent via adoption may be near.Pollyanna1970https://www.blogger.com/profile/00237404556880787465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83588602887476275552009-12-24T15:47:41.966-05:002009-12-24T15:47:41.966-05:00I'm one of those sitting on the other side of ...I'm one of those sitting on the other side of the fence, and I have been interested in seeing how the debates go in "general society." <br /><br />I respectfully disagree that if one is a mother, one is a "birthmother" as well. To me, the two terms are exclusive. The term "birthmother" means a non-mother -- it was defined as such by Marietta Spencer and her cronies in the "Positive Adoption Language" campaign it belongs to. That's why I don't identify with it, as to me, I am still a mother. It was an artificially-created term, defined by the adoption industry before natural mothers began using it for themselves.<br /><br />I did an experiment a few years ago: I used the term "birthmother" in casual conversation, and people around me -- educated friends -- thought I was talking about surrogate mothers. That was the implication of the term. So, in the context of adoption, the term natural mother or real mother still works. I don't think that CCNM has had any problems with people misidentifying them. <br /><br />Even in letters to politicians for open records, many of us here in Canada have stuck to the term "natural mother" and people have understood. <br /><br />I use the term 'birthmother' as a 'tag' in my blog posts, but I won't use it for myself or other exiled mothers, as I feel I am still a mother, not a former mother. I am not "a mother for birthing purpose only." <br /><br />But if someone else wants to use the term "birthmother," then that is their choice and I respect that. It is up to each of us to decide if we are still mothers or not. <br /><br />But I believe that we can change the language, as the language itself was changed by the industry without us having a say in it. We just have to speak up about it.Cedarhttp://cedartrees.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45241216009006189732009-12-22T22:17:20.752-05:002009-12-22T22:17:20.752-05:00Hello! Thank you for this post. I am a mother of...Hello! Thank you for this post. I am a mother of 3, two daughters by international adoption and one son by birth. I think a lot about language and how to best use it. I will not, for example, use the term "gotcha day," for what seem to be obvious reasons. I have, however, been using the term "birth mother" (and father), without realizing the negative implications. In fact, I have most likely been misusing the term as it is conventionally defined. In an attempt to explain things to our girls, we have told them that everyone is born from a mother, and that since their brother was born from me, that makes me his birth mother (literally "mother who gave birth to him" with no implications beyond that either way). Writing that now sounds funny and I apologize if it offends. I appreciate your willingness to share your point of view and I intend to use <br />"first mother" (or maybe "other mother?") from now on. I genuinely appreciate your blog and all you have to share.Ericanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54743796091827080722009-12-20T18:36:10.378-05:002009-12-20T18:36:10.378-05:00I really think this is an American/Canadian issue....I really think this is an American/Canadian issue. Here in Oz, when people meet me, I am dubbed the real mother, NOT birth or bio mother. Even in front of my daughter's adopters we are seen as the 'real' family which is a bit uncomfortable for them but hey, its the truth. I had no idea how much we were marginalised and crap until I read American blogs and forums. Here, I am a mother and so I will fight for my title to remain that. If I have to be marginalised, I will state I am the real, natural mother but that is all I am willing to accept. I am NOT AMERICAN or CANADIAN and refuse to let a pack of adopters label me just because they come from those countries. That is akin to racism in my book. So sorry if this offends, I am just not going to wear a label. People will only listen if they are open minded anyway so it really doesn't matter if we disagree.<br /><br />As for google searches, I have had many searches on anti/against adoption, natural mother etc and many of my readers are American some of which are adoptive parents.<br /><br />I just wanted you to know there are others out there that come from different angles because in our countries things are different and adoption affects more than just the two I mentioned. Birth mother is used as put down term; and usually by adopters. As I said, the normal public, the ones NOT caught up in the language bs call me what I am my daughter's mother or real mother. Fullstop.Mysthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07425550479815459790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72466703866138515882009-12-19T19:19:34.318-05:002009-12-19T19:19:34.318-05:00"I don't agree that governments and socia..."I don't agree that governments and social work agencies were concerned with children being ridiculed on the playground."<br />No need to trivialize. Nobody said or even implied that. <br /><br />Illegitimate children were excluded from automatic property inheritance. That in itself is discriminatory. <br /><br />Of course, where there was no property, it was hardly a problem, but the rules were not made for the propertyless.<br /><br />Little SnowdropAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31421954531806482262009-12-19T16:56:17.902-05:002009-12-19T16:56:17.902-05:00I don't disagree that bastards were treated di...I don't disagree that bastards were treated differently. What I don't agree with is de-bastardising motive for adoption. What seems realistic is the idea that children with two parents and a stable home would produce healthier productive adults, which would benefit society later. I don't agree that governments and social work agencies were concerned with children being ridiculed on the playground; most kids were/are ridiculed for one thing or another.<br /><br />Adoption provided little workhorses for families, mostly orphans, who often were not bastards, rather children removed from their families because unsuitable living conditions (no surprise, I know). And to fill the the crib of an absent biological child. Adoption provided jobs for people, agencies received funding from the church, state and public to promote adoption. it's been a business since the turn of the century - behind the scenes child welfare has always been about what's best for the economy, not what's best for children.Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13757981963159861606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-70312429352673357452009-12-19T11:20:26.925-05:002009-12-19T11:20:26.925-05:00Lorraine, another great post. Thank you.
BB Churc...Lorraine, another great post. Thank you.<br /><br />BB Church summed up the reasons I self-identify as a bastard. As I said before on my blog: sealed records, not my origins, make me one. It's a way of reclaiming what little identity I am allowed.<br /><br />Michelle, I think the idea was both "as if born to" and redemption. The mother was redeemed by the sacrifice of her child, and the child was redeemed by becoming "as if born to" the adoptive parents. I think Rickie Solinger talks about that in one of her books.<br /><br />As I stated in my comment on the previous article, until such time as public opinions change I think we'll have to keep using "birth mother" if only to draw traffic to sites where we can discuss the question of terminology.Triona Guidryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00969598333210972017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35689934848309160792009-12-19T07:48:02.246-05:002009-12-19T07:48:02.246-05:00Wnen legal adoption got started in the first half ...Wnen legal adoption got started in the first half of the 20th century, it was very much about redeeming children from bastardy, and then later about redeeming sluts to be born-again virgins. The emphasis on filling the needs of adoptive parents came later, as it become more commercial and high pressure.<br /><br />There is some history of this in Ricki Solinger's books. Freudian theory and blank slate behaviorism caused social workers to turn from the old "bad blood" theory that unwed mothers and their bastard children were forever inferior and tainted to the notion that secret sealed adoption could redeem both.<br /><br />Even when I surrendered in 68, the emphasis was not on owing some deserving couple a child, but on owing the child two parents and not to be called a Bastard on the playground. And of course if you never tell anyone you had an illegitimate child, you do not have to live as a shunned unwed mother like Hester Prynne.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-300239410829887382009-12-18T23:01:49.674-05:002009-12-18T23:01:49.674-05:00BBChurch wrote: "Adoption was designed to red...BBChurch wrote: "Adoption was designed to redeem me from bastardy, but I don't need their redemption, thank you very much."<br /><br />Really? I thought adoption was designed to back the 'as if born to" idea. I doubt governments cared one bit about redeeming children born to unwed parents.Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13757981963159861606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42818928228086110372009-12-18T21:31:23.693-05:002009-12-18T21:31:23.693-05:00Belly-button mommy and daddy...hmm...that's a ...Belly-button mommy and daddy...hmm...that's a new one.<br /><br />I hope the baby recruiters don't get a hold of that or we might start seeing Dear Belly-Button Mother letters.Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13757981963159861606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52220515618320512842009-12-18T17:45:28.046-05:002009-12-18T17:45:28.046-05:00Belly Button Mother!! That's it!! Yes yes call...Belly Button Mother!! That's it!! Yes yes call me that...ha ha hah<br /><br />No why don't you call me the Tummy Mummy hee hee heee<br /><br /><br />Sorry, couldn't help myself....no offense meant....KimKimnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10375308126720565582009-12-18T13:50:33.573-05:002009-12-18T13:50:33.573-05:00I'd rather be called a birthmother, biological...I'd rather be called a birthmother, biological mother, first mother etc etc than a belly button mama! That's just weird:-)<br /><br />But what counts is your good intentions in trying to honor your kids' biological heritage, and hopefully they will grow out of that term. <br /><br />It doesn't really matter what you call us, to me, but that you care.Not all mothers who surrendered are so hung up on language.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73363569626198828802009-12-17T23:58:38.858-05:002009-12-17T23:58:38.858-05:00I am an adoptive mom. I am sure I have done about...I am an adoptive mom. I am sure I have done about every wrong thing there is to do, but to be frank, it was out of ignorance. Our Social Worker, as part of our homestudy, asked us what our honest opinion of our child's "birthmother" was, because our feelings towards whoever the woman was, would be picked up by our child. In our minds and in our hearts, the term "birthmother" spoke to the unique relationship between mother and child. As an adoptive parent, I am fairly replaceable, but the birthparents, they are the people who created this child. A woman who nurtured and sheltered this child within her own body. A woman who shares a visceral connection with this child which is so incredibly miraculous and unique that no adoptive parent can ever hope to recreate it. In our family the visible sign of that connection, that nurturing, is the belly button. My girls, still very young, call their first parents their belly-button mom and dad. They understand that no one else in the world could give them life, could give them their belly buttons. As they grow and mature I will encourage them to choose the name they would like to use whe referring to these very special people - be it their China parents, their first parents or their birth parents. Whatever they choose they will have been raised with the knowledge that these people are irreplaceable in their lives. My oldest is already referring to her first mom as "my mom". It is so natural for her that I have to clarify sometimes to whom she is referring.<br /><br />I am sure that some of you will feel that I am not doing the right thing with this thought process. And you know, you may be right. I just want you to know that in at least one AP heart and mind, the term "birthmother" is the most personal name there is - it is a relational name that no other person can claim. That being said, it still does not change how the term makes YOU feel. With that in mind I will be changing my terminology when in public to first mother. Thank you for expressing yourselves so honestly. If we ever run into each other IRL, though, please be patient with my girls as they proudly and lovingly proclaim that they have a belly-button mommy and daddy in China. We started this terminology before we were made aware of the emotional weight of the term "birthmother".Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2093288533954816032009-12-17T20:54:23.181-05:002009-12-17T20:54:23.181-05:00APS who have to be persuaded to accept open record...APS who have to be persuaded to accept open records through kid-glove language are burning stoopid. Open records makes honest parents of us all. What's so bad about that?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11309410064676155232009-12-17T18:42:57.610-05:002009-12-17T18:42:57.610-05:00i prefer the term first mother. it's the only ...i prefer the term first mother. it's the only term that encapture who i am. i am the first and her mother. biological, birth mother render us to the state of breeder.these are language that were designed to further estrange women from their children.Other Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09611613017903132628noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51716020393748995172009-12-17T16:45:24.264-05:002009-12-17T16:45:24.264-05:00Cassi,
Nobody, including the adoption industry, c...Cassi,<br /><br />Nobody, including the adoption industry, can make you use any language or name you prefer not to use or find offensive. How could they possibly prevent you from using the term you prefer, be it just mother, birthmother, first mother, biological mother, or anything else? You are free to call yourself anything you choose.<br /><br />Now, can you grant other mothers who have given up a child the same right to use whatever term suits them without correcting or demanding they use a "better" term for themselves?maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11243650370056012582009-12-17T16:19:39.958-05:002009-12-17T16:19:39.958-05:00Ya, and I've had AP's lecture me that I sh...Ya, and I've had AP's lecture me that I should be nicer to "get them on our side". You know, for open records. <br /><br />No, I'm not going to change for anyone. I'm not going to edit my speech or my hostility toward the institution of adoption that royally screwed me and the rest of my fellow adoptees. <br /><br />Were the "women" telling you to change the "birth mother" title AP's too? Just wondering cause they seem to be the most judgemental out of the triad and to be lecturing the losers in the adoption triad just irritates me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56208336890361441182009-12-17T15:59:05.184-05:002009-12-17T15:59:05.184-05:00I am a mother.
I am a mother who gave up her chi...I am a mother. <br /><br />I am a mother who gave up her child. Who lost her child. Who adopted her child back.<br /><br />In my everyday life, that is all that I am . . . a mother.<br /><br />It is only in this world of fighting for change that I add any kind of prefix to mother and for me, I refuse to call myself a birth mother and I do let it be known that I don't like to be called as such.<br /><br />But, that doesn't mean I will let that affect joining others in my fight for change. I do believe, as well, that we are stronger united in our voices for the reform we wish to see and that the terms that are placed before mother should not be reason to divide us.<br /><br />That doesn't mean I will call myself a birthmother or use such a term in my own vocabulary.<br /><br />And, I believe, there is that risk as well if we accept any part of the "positive" language the industry has created do we then set ourselves up for a situation to also not be able to say we gave up our children and instead feel forced to use "placed my child."<br /><br />Do we now also face a future where we cannot even say we are in reunion with our child because, again, the adoption industry is pushing this as against their "positive" language.<br /><br />Perhaps we can give in on some but by doing so and not speaking out are we setting ourselves up for later times when we have to change all wording we would use because the industry has made sure that nobody understands our vocabulary and only relates to what they want others to view adoption as?<br /><br />For me, personally, I just am not interested in giving them such a power any longer. They have already taken enough from me. At some point I do have the right to say enough is enough and I will not "be" what you want me to "be."Cassihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00274531213087340905noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84380169482321235102009-12-17T12:57:47.574-05:002009-12-17T12:57:47.574-05:00I revisited this subject because it broke out agai...I revisited this subject because it broke out again after the last post from Jane, women saying that we would get more support for working to change laws if we dropped the term "birth mother." So it is one of those evergreen issues in this world we inhabit.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.com