tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7909075151641821908..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: First Mother Forum in USA Today and The Adoption Option RevistedLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74783179007585065832011-02-04T16:21:54.035-05:002011-02-04T16:21:54.035-05:00The letter to the editor was today in response to ...The letter to the editor was today in response to Lorraine's article.<br /><br />Origins-USA, an organization that works to protect the natural rights of mothers to nurture their children, commends USA Today for reporting on the seldom mentioned subject of the realities of adoption, those from a birth mother’s perspective. So much in the media make adoption appear normal. The realities of adoption should never be normalized. Ms. Dusky so aptly says it, “relinquishing our child is not wrong in the eyes of the law, but in the natural order of things.” Birth mothers believe, in fact are told, that relinquishing our child is the best thing all around. Rarely do we comprehend, until it’s too late, the secrecy, never forgetting, grief, stigma, wondering about the uncertainty of the life that awaits our child that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. Rarely do we comprehend, until it’s too late, that relinquishing our child will affect decisions we make for ourselves and our families for the rest of our lives, and not always for the better.<br /><br />The University of Oregon’s Adoption History Project, June 2003, updated in July 2007, reports that, although there are no concrete data, a conservative estimate suggests that five million Americans alive today are adopted. That equates to the number of birth mothers. Publishing Ms. Dusky’s frank article is an excellent start to educating our country about adoption realities by providing a platform from which those conversations can begin. Jeanine Biocic, President, Origins-USAJeaninehttp://www.origins-usa.orgnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21757041364164870102011-02-03T07:20:16.807-05:002011-02-03T07:20:16.807-05:00@Anon5:56,
Thank you for posting your comment, I f...@Anon5:56,<br />Thank you for posting your comment, I found it quite moving.<br /><br />You wrote,<br /><br />"Shame belongs to the society that told us everything would be wonderful for our son, that he would never miss us and have a better life without us and the risk to his well-being was zero."<br /><br />Boy, does this tick me off. These so-called experts speaking for us adoptees when we were infants. How did they know how we would feel in 20, 30, 40 years? Actually, I read at Origins NSW that it has been known without a shadow of a doubt since 1952 that adopted children have significant psychological, emotional and behavioral problems as a result of having been adopted.<br /><br />You have certainly put shame where it belongsRobinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35286678985715838812011-02-01T20:08:27.939-05:002011-02-01T20:08:27.939-05:00The piece is now scheduled for Thursday. Letters t...The piece is now scheduled for Thursday. Letters to the editor welcome after that:<br /><br />letters@usatoday.comLorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-76254817680359006122011-02-01T17:56:59.231-05:002011-02-01T17:56:59.231-05:00I have not been able to log onto the USA Today sit...I have not been able to log onto the USA Today site, but here is what I would like to post:<br /><br />Thank you to Lorraine Dusky for writing this piece and for the blog that she writes with Jane Edwards, and to USA Today for publishing her article. <br />I join all the mothers who lost children to adoption in their pain, but I will not take on shame. Shame belongs to my mother who abused me physically and mentally; to the people who allowed me to stay with her; to my alcoholic father who could not defend me; to the educators who did not teach about birth control (and handed out inaccurate information) and to the law that said only those over 18 or married could have birth control pills. Shame belongs to the nuns who said I was selfish for wanting to keep my baby, that I didn't deserve him, that there were other people who were more worthy to raise him and besides, I could always have more children later. Shame belongs to the Catholic high school authorities that said I could not return to school if I kept my baby. Shame belongs to my boyfriend's parents who wouldn't allow us to marry (we have been married 30 years) and said they would not support his education if we did. Shame belongs to the society that made me choose my boyfriend's life or life with my son, because to marry without an education meant he would be drafted and sent to Vietnam. Shame belongs to the nuns at the home for unwed mothers who said I couldn't hold him, though I was wracked with sobs and hurt, and he was so tender and vulnerable, alone in a nursery. <br />Shame belongs to the society that told us everything would be wonderful for our son, that he would never miss us and have a better life without us and the risk to his well-being was zero. Shame belongs to the judge who told me I must never search for my son, that it would be harmful to him and his family, that it would ruin his life. I thought the pain in adoption, would all be mine; my son would thrive and grow in a happy family, far away from my abusive family. I could bear my heartbreak when I thought he would be ok. <br />I am very disturbed that Oprah chose to put her mother on television. I spent the first year after reunion with my son in shock, the second year deep in depression and Post Traumatic Stress, the third year and after in recovery. There would have been no benefit to me to be put on national television; in fact it would have been harmful. I hope Oprah's mother is getting some counseling. Some days I am strong enough to speak of my experiences, some days I am overcome with the sorrow of his loss and cannot speak, and can only function through the shear force of will. I know other mothers who lost children to adoption feel this way too. I applaud those who can speak. <br />The shock of my reunion centered on revisiting all the trauma of his loss; the cruelty of my family and society, the years lost with him. The deepest wound of all was learning that he had suffered for the loss of me; he always felt that some vital part of him was missing. He yearned for me and to know about his origins. <br />It is right and fit that some states have opened their records. All adoptees have the right to have access to their original birth certificates. There may be extreme circumstances when adoption is still the best course for the child, but all children and the adults they become deserve to know the truth of their beginnings. I am sure the majority of mothers would welcome private contact with their children, as it has been shown in states with open records. Allow these mothers time to heal and then gain the strength to share their story in their own way.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2118047878557031302011-02-01T14:37:55.644-05:002011-02-01T14:37:55.644-05:00I just took Cully's suggestion and posted on U...I just took Cully's suggestion and posted on USA Today's FB page. Feel free to go there and post on the link we started and also letting them know you are having difficulty posting.<br /><br />http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1174014931#!/usatodayCarolchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12983135296851385826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16055014553606337282011-02-01T11:39:06.598-05:002011-02-01T11:39:06.598-05:00Yikes, you guys are wonderful to keep on trying. I...Yikes, you guys are wonderful to keep on trying. If it is in the print ed, I hope I couple of you will emails letters to the paper after tomorrow, when it is supposed to be in. It's always the antis who feel the most inspired to write. If they get 3 letters, I imagine they will print one. <br /><br />Thanks again for all your support. It makes it possible to keep on truckin'.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65771911535483405662011-02-01T09:05:29.685-05:002011-02-01T09:05:29.685-05:00Lorrraine,
I read article on this site. Now where ...Lorrraine,<br />I read article on this site. Now where does<br />one post? Hopefully by the time I find where<br />to post issue p posting will be resolved.<br /><br />The article was very good and covered a lot<br />usually they seem to not allow enough space<br />to write such a complete expose of adoption.<br /><br />Seems I remember the person that owns this<br />newspaper is pro adoption he and his wife have<br />adopted many kids older ones in foster care.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35762225795449058492011-02-01T01:23:13.882-05:002011-02-01T01:23:13.882-05:00I'm another one having trouble posting on the ...I'm another one having trouble posting on the USA Today comment section. It hasn't sent me the confirmation that I'm even registered but when I go in to re-register - it says my membership isn't approved! <br /><br />Anyway great article as usual! I most definitely agree in that it's easy to find compassion and empathy for Vernita and her shame issues. She really seemed a bit shell-shocked to me...<br /><br />Personally, I think Oprah is lacking a sensitivity gene when it comes to family members being separated by adoption.Carolchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12983135296851385826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81908408524746334902011-01-31T21:11:53.475-05:002011-01-31T21:11:53.475-05:00Lori, yes do post. We are honored. And anonymous, ...Lori, yes do post. We are honored. And anonymous, you must give me a call sometime....when you are in sag harbor.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66270157821792554122011-01-31T18:37:33.960-05:002011-01-31T18:37:33.960-05:00Im having difficulty posting this comment to USA T...Im having difficulty posting this comment to USA Today but will keep trying.<br /><br />Thank you for this insightful, truthful article Lorraine. When I surrendered my son to adoption in 1971 I was told by my parents, the social worker and nuns who ran the unwed mother’s home that people better than me would raise my son. That I should never speak of him, that I should forget him and get on with my life. For decades I cringed with shame and feelings of being an inherently flawed mother every time I heard someone matter-of-factly say “I could never give up my child”. My feelings of being inferior for giving up my son were so pervasive that I never had more children. When I found my son he told me he never would have searched for me yet he was eager to hear about his family of origin and the circumstances that led to him being surrendered. Those conversations were extremely difficult for me but my belief that this was his history and he deserved my answers propelled me along. I understand Vernita Lee’s reluctance to meet her daughter and face the woman whose life she changed forever. I understand her reluctance to go back to 1963. Yes. I know it’s not 1971 anymore but I was taken back to that very painful time filled with helplessness, rejection and zero self-worth each time I had a conversation with my son about how he got where he is and where he came from.JeanineMBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23304366058931619462011-01-31T16:26:04.465-05:002011-01-31T16:26:04.465-05:00Lorraine, Thank you for this. We all need validati...Lorraine, Thank you for this. We all need validation that our pain/guilt was and is real. I posted the article to my facebook page and the first person to respond was my daughter. Just the fact that we are again together is a miracle and even though the emotion is a roller coaster ride its one that I will never get off of. <br />We are no longer those young, silent girls. The wisdom we have gained from our pain and the truths about this "option" are real and I thank you for your part in giving us a voice.tryingtohealnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39345850795289629552011-01-31T15:28:28.469-05:002011-01-31T15:28:28.469-05:00Congratulations on getting this article in. I thin...Congratulations on getting this article in. I think my comment went up but not sure, anyhow, I said"<br /><br />"I am also a mother who gave up a child for adoption, because I felt at the time I had no other options, not because it was what I wanted to do. I believe adopted adults should have access to their truth, their biological history, and their original birth certificate. I have always been proud of my son, not ashamed, even more so since I have met him and know what a good man he has become."maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11351426044656757502011-01-31T15:06:22.080-05:002011-01-31T15:06:22.080-05:00Thank you.Lorraine, for writing the eloquent artic...Thank you.Lorraine, for writing the eloquent article in USA Today. I don't know where you get the strength to keep fighting. I read your book 'Birthmark' shortly after giving up my son and was amazed that someone else out there felt similar. I don't post on blogs very often because I'm not good at it. But I read yours and many of the other posters with interest. Maybe I also relate to your comments about Sag Harbor-since my mother bought a house there in 1959 and I spend a lot of time out there-my favorite place on earth. Keep up the good workAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5380821267469243332011-01-31T14:50:16.368-05:002011-01-31T14:50:16.368-05:00I've just emailed my editor and asked him what...I've just emailed my editor and asked him what's up with the comment problem. When I have news I will report.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53608624547054031592011-01-31T13:55:38.006-05:002011-01-31T13:55:38.006-05:00Yeah, I thought of that, mine was super short and ...Yeah, I thought of that, mine was super short and sweet and I am registered, but no. :(joyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15658928829424953809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90655602055115777492011-01-31T13:32:53.638-05:002011-01-31T13:32:53.638-05:00Joy, I had the same problem. It went through when...Joy, I had the same problem. It went through when I shortened my reply.The Declassified Adopteehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11810138926754612642011-01-31T12:54:58.936-05:002011-01-31T12:54:58.936-05:00I can't get through right now but I will keep ...I can't get through right now but I will keep trying. I saved my comment in Word. Some of the comments are quite, uh, ignerunt.O Solo Mamahttp://osolomama.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20325891101040319032011-01-31T12:02:55.483-05:002011-01-31T12:02:55.483-05:00Anon: Yes, this is on line, link is at top of this...Anon: Yes, this is on line, link is at top of this posting. It is scheduled,I believe but everything is subject to change, for the Wednesday print edition. People are having trouble commenting, not getting their sign up confirmed, but it usually comes through.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17228896483745782022011-01-31T11:58:25.829-05:002011-01-31T11:58:25.829-05:00I have tried to post about 3 times on your article...I have tried to post about 3 times on your article. Grrrrr with furourstration at the USAToday posting system! <br /><br /><br />Good work :)joyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15658928829424953809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16883175729329557292011-01-31T10:53:31.012-05:002011-01-31T10:53:31.012-05:00Looked in USA Today Sunday paper is
couldn't ...Looked in USA Today Sunday paper is <br />couldn't find article what section. Or is this<br />an online article?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20250970838229137012011-01-31T08:21:31.665-05:002011-01-31T08:21:31.665-05:00Congrats on getting something on this topic publis...Congrats on getting something on this topic published in USA Today, Lorraine. Hope it results in something positive all around . . . great that you affirmed the importance of knowing one's origins in the closer.O Solo Mamahttps://osolomama.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41119084760890611822011-01-31T00:32:33.492-05:002011-01-31T00:32:33.492-05:00Thank you for this, Lorraine. I got the word about...Thank you for this, Lorraine. I got the word about the article from Origins-USA, read it, and immediately linked. People need to learn... and understand beyond the sensationalism of Oprah, that this is a huge issue and problem.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81919736972207295692011-01-30T20:51:07.845-05:002011-01-30T20:51:07.845-05:00The whole idea, in my perception, behind "the...The whole idea, in my perception, behind "the adoption option" was that they felt that women were not choosing adoption more because they just didn't know about it or that it was available.<br /><br />The largest adoption agency in the U.S., alone, spends 5% of its 65 million dollar budget marketing to pregnant women. Adoption is everywhere.<br /><br />But they think women don't *know* about adoption or that it exists??<br /><br />Riiiight.<br /><br />Has it crossed their minds that larger numbers of mothers aren't surrendering because they really don't want to??The Declassified Adopteehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67134872925277098332011-01-30T18:55:39.024-05:002011-01-30T18:55:39.024-05:00I am trying to post at the USATODAY article but it...I am trying to post at the USATODAY article but it is not going through. So I will add it here:<br /><br />Thanks Lorraine for sharing your thoughts, experience, and feelings on this.<br /><br />For adoptees, there is a great deal of shame involved in this whole process as well. We are asked "why isn't your Adoptive Family 'good enough' that you need to search?" We are seen as being careless and disruptive; as intending to upset the mother for whom we search on our own quest of wholeness of identity and geneological continuity. We carry the shame of society who views us as needing to forsake all else to validate the parenthood of those who adopted us. When, in fact, we are more than capable of loving more than one set of parents, more than considerate in our search, and more than entitled to the truth about our entire lives.<br /><br />We never asked for our lives and information to be left behind. Neither did our mothers. The state and society decided what we'd be "better off" not knowing; and they were wrong.<br /><br />There should be no secrecy in adoption. As Lorraine has clearly expressed, it does no good. From an adoptee point of view, I can tell you it does no good for us either.The Declassified Adopteehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2463021044447949942011-01-30T18:37:26.861-05:002011-01-30T18:37:26.861-05:00Ladies, well done. Great research and definitely ...Ladies, well done. Great research and definitely something that should be passed around and held up for perusal by those that are unable to see things without the black and white. <br /><br />I would like to link this to the Adoption EDU blog - it is definitely something that is important to share with as many people as possible.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.com