tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7959976118518944766..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Take that offensive Kay Jewelers ad off the air!Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger162125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30088767071474103602014-03-04T14:42:42.347-05:002014-03-04T14:42:42.347-05:00Dear BJane,
Your support and advice have meant a ...Dear BJane,<br /><br />Your support and advice have meant a lot - thank you. Although I am not a first mother, I feel as if you understand my sorrow in regards to Nina and I at least to some degree am able to empathize with what first mothers like you go through. And of course you help me with the "sibling" angle as well. <br /><br />We will keep the letters with the hope of reuniting some day. I hope that happens - for you and for us.<br /><br />Hugs,<br />JayJay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14820477183325826642014-03-02T16:27:13.215-05:002014-03-02T16:27:13.215-05:00@Jay lyer,
For your son he will never know if the...@Jay lyer,<br /><br />For your son he will never know if the letters are received. That doesn't matter. What matters is he is expressing his love for her and communicating. It might help with the dreams as well.<br /><br />Your idea of keeping them until Nina returns, or when you can send them to her is great. But then again, even if you send them you might not know if the letters are received/shared.<br /><br />I don't know if my son gets the letters. He might someday.....<br /><br />All I know is that it is helping my children. They miss him. He's a really good big brother.BJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56461512499820644052014-02-28T11:23:02.049-05:002014-02-28T11:23:02.049-05:00Cherry and Jane, thank you so much for your words ...Cherry and Jane, thank you so much for your words of comfort. <br /><br />My social worker friend has helped me understand where Rayna might be coming from and why our relationship became painful for her.<br /><br />The hardest thing for me right now is my son's pain - and the pain that I know Nina must be feeling. They were joined at the hip, those two. This morning Lenny said to me as he gave me a hug before going to school, "I dreamed about Nina again last night. I am not able to stop thinking about her, I miss her so much." It is hard when 5 year olds are dealing with sorrow. I hope they will be reunited some day. <br /><br />In the meanwhile, I am following BJane's advice and he will write a letter to her this weekend.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21421296478677062822014-02-28T06:18:58.177-05:002014-02-28T06:18:58.177-05:00Julia Emily said: 'I wish there was something ...Julia Emily said: 'I wish there was something I could do to help all of you.'<br /><br />You do already! Your mind is open, your heart is full of humanity, you listen, you consider, you share your truth, you take time, you are here. You have no idea how rare all of that is!<br /><br />I feel the same about you too, wanting to respect and support you (and other adopted persons too). <br /><br />@ Jay<br /><br />Don't berate yourself, you have done so, so much. Anyone is lucky to have you in their life - I hope Rayna comes to realise that soon.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67031357496066627252014-02-27T03:13:38.467-05:002014-02-27T03:13:38.467-05:00Jay, Cherry, Lorraine: I must thank you wholeheart...Jay, Cherry, Lorraine: I must thank you wholeheartedly for your support. It has given me the incentive to go ahead with petitioning the court.<br /><br />Look at this thread! Over 150 comments filled with hurt, pain, and grief from all sides of the adoption equation. <br /><br />When first mothers relinquished you were told to forget about it and move on. Did anyone honestly think that could happen? The anguish from first mothers here on this forum is mind boggling. I wish there was something I could do to help all of you.<br /><br />Adopted children were supposed to be happy, fit in, forget that we came from somewhere else. Well, that didn't happen either.<br /><br />Now what do we all do?<br /><br />Thankfully, we can talk about it here. And hope the rest of the world catches up someday soon.<br /> Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55954040276902830542014-02-26T23:53:40.229-05:002014-02-26T23:53:40.229-05:00Jay,
Don't blame yourself for Rayna and Nina ...Jay,<br />Don't blame yourself for Rayna and Nina leaving. You gave of yourself and did what your could. She may just need the time and space to develop trust.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26962553272239224902014-02-26T20:48:42.280-05:002014-02-26T20:48:42.280-05:00BJane, thanks for the helpful suggestion. Do your...BJane, thanks for the helpful suggestion. Do your kept children not ask whether their relinquished brother will get the letters? I worry that my son will ask whether we can deliver the letters to Nina. And we can't do that, of course, we have no idea where she is. He is totally puzzled and worried about the situation because she disappeared so suddenly, after they spent loads of time together for his entire life (he is now 5 years old).<br /><br />Perhaps I will tell him to write the letters while keeping the faith that he can deliver them to her in person one day. But any other suggestions too are appreciated - him being so young has made it more difficult.<br /><br />In gratitude,<br />JayJay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2748525954901232042014-02-26T14:55:56.549-05:002014-02-26T14:55:56.549-05:00Jay, have your son write to her(Nina). It'll h...Jay, have your son write to her(Nina). It'll help him!<br /><br />My kept children miss their brother (my oldest, relinquished). They don't understand. So, I tell them to write......it seems to help them.BJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-76041316017114438782014-02-26T12:21:59.410-05:002014-02-26T12:21:59.410-05:00Hi Lorraine: Maybe "stringing along" wa...Hi Lorraine: Maybe "stringing along" was the wrong term to use. What I am so frustrated about is that no one at this famous registry could take 2 minutes of their time to write a little bit of a personalized response. I wrote to them 3 times after sending in the initial forms. I got the same form letter back three times! Couldn't they even try to explain a little bit why this is taking so long? Outline whatever the problem might be holding it up? Apologize? I certainly did not need three copies of the same letter! <br /><br />So I am definitely going to go ahead with the petition. I have forms to fill out and get notarized. I will keep everyone posted on the result. Fingers crossed! And thanks for the push I needed to do this!<br /><br />Any news on the Assembly bill today? Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49577893732095687632014-02-26T11:28:39.047-05:002014-02-26T11:28:39.047-05:00Julia Emily, I am rooting for you so hard I can ba...Julia Emily, I am rooting for you so hard I can barely breathe! I truly hope this forum has inspired and enabled you to seek out your first family, your identity. Your pain reaches out across computer boards - I wish for that pain to be gone and for your story to come to a happy full circle.<br /><br />Cherry, you brought a little light and comfort into my day by kindly remarking that I restore your faith in humanity. I have been feeling really low of late, a failure as I go over and over in my head what I could have done that would not have scared Rayna and Nina away from our commitment to help her. I failed them both, and now I deal every day with my son who is having a very hard time with Nina being absent from our lives. Coward that I am, I try hard not to think about Nina, staying away from pictures of her and Rayna, stashing away their things in closets that I will not open....but I cannot keep my son from talking frequently about them and how much he misses them. Then of course he goes on to talk about everyone who has left his young life and asks me not to "bring more people into his life and then take them away." It is terribly sad - this little, sensitive, empathetic boy just breaks my heart these days and makes me feel that I have let him down too. I certainly don't want to compound the losses he already faces as an adoptee.<br /><br />So, thank you for saying I give you some sense of faith because I have not been feeling much of that for myself these days.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22986639859918452802014-02-26T11:15:52.568-05:002014-02-26T11:15:52.568-05:00JE: How is the registry stringing you along? Wit...JE: How is the registry stringing you along? With your scant information there is probably nothing they can do for you and the guy who runs it has been against unsealing the records, so there you have it. The registry is a sop but not an answer. As I said: You Go Girl! You may still not get anything from the court, but it will likely be more definitive, I suspect but am not positive--we have some real assholes in NY as judges who will not release the birth record. <br /><br />You have no real had information about yoursel--not even a birth date--and even if your mother was registered (a slim possibility), how would anyone be sure you and she were a match? <br /><br />Fill out that form. The names of your adoptive parents will help them locate whatever information is available.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52444637295841024752014-02-26T03:13:01.774-05:002014-02-26T03:13:01.774-05:00Thanks, everyone, for the kind words and for liste...Thanks, everyone, for the kind words and for listening!<br /><br />I am going to do what Lorraine suggests and fill out the forms with a letter attached explaining the situation. Let's see what happens. If the NYS Registry has been stringing me along for almost 2 years, how long will this process take, I wonder?<br /><br />What a mess! Who gave all these politicians and lawmakers the power to play God with our lives? It is infuriating.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40760337505055997972014-02-25T17:20:07.788-05:002014-02-25T17:20:07.788-05:00@ Julia Emily
I am so appreciative of you writing...@ Julia Emily<br /><br />I am so appreciative of you writing here. Everything you say is important. Thank you for sharing this. I am listening deeply. <br /><br />@ Tiffany and Jay Iver<br /><br />You two restore my faith in people. Really, you do.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28440214788465451252014-02-25T15:08:59.539-05:002014-02-25T15:08:59.539-05:00Julia Emily:
FILL IN YOUR PAENTS' NAMES.
I ...Julia Emily:<br /><br />FILL IN YOUR PAENTS' NAMES. <br /><br />I doubt they will be notified. Attach a note saying they do not know you are doing thus but are 115 years old and deserve to be an adult. And BTW--WE REALLY NEED YOU TO LOBBY IN NY RIGHT NOW.EMAIL ME AT Forumfirstmother@gmail.com<br /><br />They are voting to pass our bill (we believe) in the Assembly Health Committee today. <br /><br />We need you!!!! to speak up for yourself and all the other Julia Emilies and Juuius Emiles out there.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84431916299047880722014-02-25T13:58:15.635-05:002014-02-25T13:58:15.635-05:00Thank you, Lorraine. Adoption is a painful thing. ...Thank you, Lorraine. Adoption is a painful thing. <br /><br />I am very glad I found this forum even though I must sound at times like a broken record! At least you all are listening! I really don't have the feeling, and I never did, that too many people are listening. NYS isn't listening. My AP's have their own view of the situation, which is never to talk about it. My husband can not even try to make his brain understand my feelings. My older girl tries, but remember....she is not an adoptee. Try as she might, she will never get exactly what this situation does to me. <br /><br />I obtained the papers for petitioning the court. This is what I was going to do to bypass confronting my AP's and destroying the two of them. I would need all kinds of signatures from my doctors to try to get the records opened for medical reasons. I don't, thank God, have any medical issues, so I wonder if my MD would cooperate in that respect?<br /><br />And guess what? I must provide the names and current address of my adoptive parents on the form. I can't leave it blank since they are still living. So here we go again. Another brick wall.<br /><br />So here I am. The perpetual child. Didn't one of the judges who testified at the hearing actually come out and say that he didn't think adoptees have any rights? Looks like he might be correct.<br /><br />Thank you for providing this platform. I know you have your own terrible pain to live with, so I really appreciate you helping me with mine. Please know that this sharing of feelings is doing me some good.<br /><br />And I am eager for your memoir to be published! Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52619389733471196642014-02-25T13:19:44.077-05:002014-02-25T13:19:44.077-05:00Julia Emily:
Reading how you are pouring out you...Julia Emily: <br /><br />Reading how you are pouring out your feelings here is sometimes painful for me to read--I guess it depends on how vulnerable I am feeling that day myself. Today: pretty vulnerable. Not even sure why. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41846180938977748752014-02-25T08:10:01.633-05:002014-02-25T08:10:01.633-05:00Tiffany and Jay: You are both what adoptive parent...Tiffany and Jay: You are both what adoptive parents should be. Or should strive to be. You try to understand that there is loss in adoption. Loss that words cannot describe. You realize that the first mothers certainly have feelings and issues beyond what a regular person could understand.<br /><br />Katherine: hopefully you are reading their comments, as well as comments from adoptees and first mothers, and putting this picture together as it really is. It is not a pretty picture. <br /><br />You can build a family through adoption, but you must be prepared to face things that other families do not face. Deal with issues that never come up in other families. As the adoptive parent, of course you will be happy and want to celebrate. But you must make a TREMENDOUS effort, as your adopted child grows, to listen, understand, be honest. It is of the utmost importance.<br /><br />My AP's are from another generation, as I have stated. They were so happy and so relieved, after waiting years for a baby, and 3+ years for the thing to be finalized, that I am convinced they believe the fantasy that adoption was made to be back then. Records sealed. What does a baby know about records? Questions never answered. There is no need for answers when everything has worked out so well. Issues? Why would there be issues? I had the perfect 1950's childhood. There can't be any issues.<br /><br />When my birthday rolls around I fall into a depression every year. But I must hide it for my parent's sake. Why don't I like to celebrate? They do not understand. They certainly want to celebrate. But I do not know my birthdate. THEY do not know the date. They never asked the appropriate questions in order to learn the correct date. They picked one. This was after having announcements printed up with the wrong date on it. They just changed it. Well....maybe the new date we picked is better. What does a little baby know? She has a "birthday". End of story.<br /><br />When I asked about this discrepancy I never got an answer. I mentioned it once again not too long ago and my mother told me I was hung up on it, and it didn't matter. She certainly didn't come across as being very understanding. My feelings in this whole thing are not really considered at all.<br /><br />If you are going to adopt, you must be aware of the child's feelings. The child WILL have issues. The child will grow up. I am in my mid-50's and I am still struggling with all of this. It never goes away. I hope everything works out for you. Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48370413108626151922014-02-24T14:19:38.562-05:002014-02-24T14:19:38.562-05:00Katherine, you said " I'm here as a woman...Katherine, you said " I'm here as a woman who hopes to adopt, and who actively tries to understand different perspectives. I will tell you, it is hard for me to read much of what you write. I don't know why I felt compelled to comment on this post, of all things."<br /><br />I'm an adoptive mom. I'm curious as to whether you read my comments on this post and my agreement that the commercial is inappropriate. I am who you hope to someday be- an adoptive mother. <br /><br />"I guess I'm just feeling defensive of my right to feel happy/peaceful/celebratory (among other emotions) if I'm able to eventually adopt, even with the understanding that my joy is somebody else's sorrow."<br /><br />We felt positive emotions when we brought our adopted daughter home from the hospital. I can tell you now that those were very much overshadowed by the grief and sorrow we felt for her first parents. There were many tears between the smiles. Our grief continues, too. We are still filled with a lot of sadness that our daughter lost her parents. It doesn't go away.<br /><br />A necklace won't fix any of that. Honestly, if at the time of her birth, my husband had given me the necklace I do have to represent my daughter, it would not have good memories associated with it. Her birth was colored with grief. It just was. While every baby deserves a celebration when she is born, the fact is, the emotions surrounding the birth when a child is going to be adopted just are not mostly positive.<br /><br />I find it hard to read here, too, sometimes, but perhaps for different reasons than you... I find that sometimes, the overwhelming sadness I fear my daughter's mother might feel that is reflected here is too much for my heart to handle. In adoption, it's important to realize that it's really not so much about you as it is the child and the first parents. Our "difficult emotions" as adoptive parents frankly pale in comparison.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34053468926387487042014-02-21T12:52:48.764-05:002014-02-21T12:52:48.764-05:00Katherine, as an adoptive mom, I wanted to commend...Katherine, as an adoptive mom, I wanted to commend you for visiting this site and reading and learning, hard as it is. Adoption is complex and never a first choice in any society. <br /><br />There are some children who truly need the stability and love of a home that they are unable to get with their first families. But even then there is a history and loss for the children that must always be considered. I do not believe in ownership of children anyway - and in adoption, that is even more true. <br /><br />I came into adoption from a position of infertility, just like you. Modifying my thinking so that I no longer focused on "I want a baby of my own" has been a good thing, I believe, for us as adoptive parents as well as for our son. It doesn't take away the complexity or the loss, but I hope we are now better at considering our son's needs.<br /><br />I think, Katherine, that you will feel less tormented as you equip yourself with more knowledge about this multi-faceted beast (and a beast it is): adoption. I wish you strength and happiness.<br /><br />Oh, I also wanted to add how shocked I am with the whole "lullaby-playing" thing. It is not as bad as the Kay Jeweler's ad, which seeks profits while riding on a phenomenon of ever-present loss, but insensitive nonetheless.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20943402309963368212014-02-21T04:04:19.334-05:002014-02-21T04:04:19.334-05:00@ BJane: It is interesting that it was never cons...@ BJane: It is interesting that it was never considered that the chosen baby would grow up and probably have children! We were to remain babies forever...but now there are generations of adoptee descendants who are also without information. Why can't the lawmakers and politicians see this as a problem? <br /><br />My two girls are very far apart in age. My older girl is interested in medical history, if possible. As I have stated, I never heard back from the famous adoption registry as far as any non-id info. My AP's probably don't have any medical info, since the whole thing was so hush-hush and secret. It wasn't thought to be important in those days and they would have thought to ask. My daughter is also following the goings-on as far as the adoptee rights bill in NY.<br /><br />My younger daughter is too young to really understand the implications of all this. Not yet, anyway. <br /><br />Unfortunately, my husband doesn't get any of this. At all. <br /><br />My older girl and I talk about this when we can, and we both feel that I am really stuck. The only possibility is that I may in the future have trouble if asked to produce a birth certificate. When that day rolls around, I will have to approach my folks. We are taking it one day at a time. And we both agree that, if that day comes, my AP's will be very upset indeed. That is the fact of the matter, which I can not change.<br /><br />@ Katherine: I hope you will keep reading here and on other blogs and visit Facebook. This is the truth about adoption, from people who are still living through it. It never goes away and It is not easy, as you can see.<br /><br />As far as that lullaby thing, it would be great if you or someone else could stop it. It is in VERY poor taste. <br /><br /><br /><br /> Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14123378568066968642014-02-20T22:55:50.601-05:002014-02-20T22:55:50.601-05:00@ Julia Emily,
What about your two children. They...@ Julia Emily,<br /><br />What about your two children. They are going to want to know someday, their heritage. I see it all the time, people doing ancestry work.<br /><br />Please don't be offended by me asking.BJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32070540650876226962014-02-20T22:50:09.443-05:002014-02-20T22:50:09.443-05:00@Katherine,
You just visiting this site is breaki...@Katherine,<br /><br />You just visiting this site is breaking the propaganda of adoption.GREAT! NOW ABSORB.<br /><br />Next step is to deal with your infertility. This is CRITICAL! The children you want will never be "yours". Do you understand this? I understand your drive to want to nurture and that you want to parent. That's OK! There are children in the foster care system that need a loving home. A home that won't replace their existing families ties and will help them with their trials. But educate yourself, get training, read....READ a lot of books about adoption. Oh, and go to FB and find the Adoptees Reunited page...people looking for their families. ...that'll be a huge eye opener for you. It was for me. There are recommended readings on this site as well. I am still trying to read them all. For the health of the children, the health of our society, know what your WANT entails. Adoption is the separation of the sacred mother/child bond, entire family. <br /><br />THE LOSS...<br /><br />Julia Emily said,"We are all damaged somehow by this great experiment gone wrong." <br /><br />and you want to participate?BJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55439030326099794352014-02-20T18:53:17.281-05:002014-02-20T18:53:17.281-05:00And I am wondering, what do you find so hard to re...And I am wondering, what do you find so hard to read here? Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66409039205978149772014-02-20T18:52:37.232-05:002014-02-20T18:52:37.232-05:00Katherine:
If you can get the lullaby off the sp...Katherine: <br /><br />If you can get the lullaby off the speaker, consider what a favor you will have done not only for people like yourself, but for women in those other groups. Whomever started this can pull the plug. My guess is that no one ever suggested that it was in such poor taste.<br /><br />The way to effect change is to do something, not sit there mute.<br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35262379267024266182014-02-20T18:07:43.131-05:002014-02-20T18:07:43.131-05:00Regarding the lullabye, it must be a local or regi...Regarding the lullabye, it must be a local or regional thing, because every hospital in my area does that. I guess it usually makes new moms and their families feel great to hear it. I can imagine joyful family members in the waiting room grinning and clapping. Unfortunately, it hurts other people. Is it worth it? I don't know. I'm not under any impression that I can change it, or that I should try. I'm a small fish.<br /><br />Lorraine, for what it's worth, my intention was not to suggest that natural mothers should "get over" anything. I'm sorry my comment came across that way. My point is just, perhaps there is a way to acknowledge and address pain that doesn't involve asking other people to give up celebrations or rituals that bring them joy? <br /><br />By the way, I'm not here as a heckler. I'm here as a woman who hopes to adopt, and who actively tries to understand different perspectives. I will tell you, it is hard for me to read much of what you write. I don't know why I felt compelled to comment on this post, of all things. I guess I'm just feeling defensive of my right to feel happy/peaceful/celebratory (among other emotions) if I'm able to eventually adopt, even with the understanding that my joy is somebody else's sorrow. Katherinenoreply@blogger.com