tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post846954184194009068..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: An adoptee doesn't want to meet her first/birth motherLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger97125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27459433296954817862018-12-10T01:26:48.795-05:002018-12-10T01:26:48.795-05:00In an ideal world, Angela would acknowledge her ow...In an ideal world, Angela would acknowledge her own anger and possibly keep a journal about the anger issues with her first mom. In an ideal world, she would let her first mother know that she first needs to work on her anger issues, and that meeting her at the present time might result in a reunion that is damaging to one or the other. Pauline Trumpi Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05899456402686660532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72968918347804861882018-12-10T01:04:15.233-05:002018-12-10T01:04:15.233-05:00Jay, you seem like a gracious person, so I don'...Jay, you seem like a gracious person, so I don't mean to offend. However, as a first mother, I absolutely do not like the idea of just being used as a data machine.Pauline Trumpi Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05899456402686660532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59615997638057838042018-12-10T00:53:11.963-05:002018-12-10T00:53:11.963-05:00You seem to be saying that some women easily give ...You seem to be saying that some women easily give up their babies? Am I understanding you correctly?Pauline Trumpi Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05899456402686660532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59192851877728820092018-12-10T00:41:35.588-05:002018-12-10T00:41:35.588-05:00I have been wondering the same thing. Did the fir...I have been wondering the same thing. Did the first mother actually use the word "demand"?Pauline Trumpi Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05899456402686660532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91254723330923178222018-12-10T00:18:41.084-05:002018-12-10T00:18:41.084-05:00"...the meeting would cause an explosion.&quo..."...the meeting would cause an explosion." That characterizes a number of adoptive families." Many adopted persons wait until adoptive parents are dead. However, (and this is not to blame anyone), I believe that is one of the reasons why a first mother may appear cold to her son/daughter (or even refuse a meeting); years of dealing with adoption loss -- and perhaps the feeling of injustice in permanent separation, may cause a first mother to develop a hardened shell that will be impervious to future pain, a hardened heart. I'm thinking of a woman who doesn't know anything about her child until she's about 70 or so.Pauline Trumpi Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05899456402686660532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1139271159862524462018-12-10T00:06:23.210-05:002018-12-10T00:06:23.210-05:00Theodore, your last sentence, especially, is full ...Theodore, your last sentence, especially, is full of wisdom.Pauline Trumpi Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05899456402686660532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7505889227568751112014-05-23T08:58:21.771-04:002014-05-23T08:58:21.771-04:00COMMENTS CLOSED<b>COMMENTS CLOSED</b>Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53260450649313264562014-05-21T16:46:09.426-04:002014-05-21T16:46:09.426-04:00COMMENTS CLOSED. IF THEY APPEAR FOR A FEW MOMENTS,...COMMENTS CLOSED. IF THEY APPEAR FOR A FEW MOMENTS, THEY WILL SOON BE TAKEN DOWN. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15523066600604394782014-04-26T05:43:11.107-04:002014-04-26T05:43:11.107-04:00(PART TWO)
A little deeper into my reason for not...(PART TWO)<br /><br />A little deeper into my reason for not wanting to be bothered:<br /><br />I have a twin sister who has Cerebral Palsy. She is in a wheel chair and can not do much for herself physically. She is VERY smart, graduated top of her class, has a high IQ and is the strongest woman I know! We both were adopted to an older couple who passed years ago. I spent a lot of my youth taking care of them both until they passed on. I did not have a normal childhood. When we were around 8 My adopted dad got cancer and died when we were 10. My mom was depressed and her health declined over the years after. I took on most of the roles in our household. When we were teens and my adopted mother ended up getting dementia and passed on. From age 17, I have been struggling and taking care of my sister ever since. We struggle everyday and everyday I am more upset with our birth mother doing whatever she did to have us taken. She left me to deal with my sister on my own. I LOVE my sister, but it would have been nice to have help! I would NEVER put my sister in a home no matter how hard things get, or how much of my life I have to give up! She is a part of me, and her struggle is my struggle. I just do not understand why we were not worth the fight to my birth mother and her family...<br /><br />What I do know: My birth mother had a history of drugs and dating bad men. I am not sure how much of that played into how we were taken, I am not sure of most event leading up to our being taken, but she claims she did not start drugs until after we left. My birth father was abusive toward her. He beat her so bad, she lost our little brother whom was only supposed to be a year younger than we were. (so she continued this relationship even after having her kids taken)<br /><br />My sister has nightmares of being molested and other mental issues as a result from childhood, she can't place when these events may have occurred. My birth mom at one point accused our adoptive father of molested us both when we were little. I doubt that, all my earliest memories of him are beautiful. Life is a blur until the age of around 6, though. <br /><br />I mean no harm, but she found ways to keep her other children in the family. One of which is older than we are, the others are younger. I guess because of my sisters handicapped, no one wanted us. My father told me that our own grandmother said in court "I'll take the boy, but those girls belong to the devil." <br /><br />There is too many holes and not enough trust and I can not stand the thought of being lied to. She doesn't seem to take responsibility, she keeps telling me to listen to what happened TO HER. She says her family was out to get her. (She wrote me a little about all this on facebook where she found me)<br /><br />I feel like the FIRST thing you have to do when contacting your children, is to take responsibility. It does not matter if you felt forced or not. If they were taken, you should have fought harder! YOU got pregnant, and it was YOUR job to protect us... If she would have came at me more humble, maybe I would not be as angry. I just kind of feel like it's too late to step in and be a mother... I basically did her job on my own with help from my adopted parents. <br /><br />I don't know if I can trust her, my parents are not here to defend themselves and that is why I don't know if I can meet her... I have not decided o what I should do. Half of me will feel a little guilty if she dies or something and I never offered her forgiveness... but that does not come without taking responsibility, nor do I feel I OWE her anything! <br /><br />I do think that people make mistakes and things happen... Every woman who gives their child up or has them taken is not a monster, but understand that we go through hell. We struggle with identity, acceptance, etc. You never know what kind of life/struggles we have to face do to your actions/choice !! <br /><br />Any advice or comments are appreciated. Thank you all and thank you to the owner of this blog! <br /><br />If anyone care to share their story/comments with me privately, my email is angelalewers@yahoo.comAngelanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7890266964713306212014-04-26T05:40:49.578-04:002014-04-26T05:40:49.578-04:00PART ONE: (Forgive the long comment)
I do apologi...PART ONE: (Forgive the long comment)<br /><br />I do apologize. I did not think my comment would receive this much attention, I did not check back until now. If you have the time, please share my comments with your readers!<br /><br />I really want to thank everyone who tried to understand my point of view.<br /><br />First, I would like to thank the owner/poster who took out time to let me have a voice.<br /><br />I chose the word 'demanded' because I felt threatened. My birth mom told me she was going to find me whether I agreed or not, that is more like a demand to me. She did tell me I was selfish for not being open to listen to her story, she said I was only thinking about myself.<br /><br />I am confused, who is she to make demands? Why is this something I OWE her?<br /><br />Angelanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53184570784093333212014-04-15T21:50:15.759-04:002014-04-15T21:50:15.759-04:00And with that...good night!
COMMENTS CLOSEDAnd with that...good night!<br /><br /><b>COMMENTS CLOSED</b>Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50166158095177483022014-04-15T21:05:11.808-04:002014-04-15T21:05:11.808-04:00Anon,
Please try to understand the mindset and the...Anon,<br />Please try to understand the mindset and the culture that leads to the most unnatural act of placing your child with strangers.<br /><br />In both high school and college biology I was taught that while people might inherit a tendency for this or that, 99 percent of who we were came from our environment. I did consider that my child might not fit into an unrelated family. I told a social worker I was afraid the adoptive family might not understand her soul. The worker shook her head as thought I was babbling nonsense. Another social worker told me that adoptive children did just fine. <br /><br />Many people today still believe that blood ties are irrelevant. We hear often that "It's love, not kinship which makes a family" <br /><br />In movies, teen magazines, and TV shows, adoption was and is presented as a noble act; adoptive parents are golden. I truly believed my child would be better off with folks hand-picked by experts in an adoption agency than with pathetic me. <br /><br />My father was dead and I never told my mother about my pregnancy, wanting to spare her the stress. My uncle and aunt did know about the baby and they pushed adoption, telling me "to think of my child, not myself."<br /><br />These messages are still spewed by the adoption industry. <br /><br />Still, I take responsibility for giving up my daughter. I should have gone to the library and read about adoption; I should have asked more questions. Unlike many other mothers, I was in my 20's and had a college degree. I acted cowardly.<br /><br />I have told my daughter many times that I regretted giving her up. She tells me I made the right decision; that she is glad she was adopted. These words are painful to hear.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21679026976010815462014-04-15T19:59:36.388-04:002014-04-15T19:59:36.388-04:00One of my reservations about thus site, is that th...One of my reservations about thus site, is that the motivations of adoptees are questioned. Not just in general, but when they post on this site. They share thier experience and we try to reframe their words.<br /><br />Demand? You must have misunderstood what your genetic mother said or maybe you meant to say requested? <br /><br />My bmom left for Paris for 10 months, she was more concerned with her lifestyle. How do you (The adoptee) know? Your birthmother must have been without resources, without parental aid And this usually prompts a bmom to say "You don't understand our bmom pain." <br /><br />Can we at least allow adoptees to own their own experiences. To accept the truth of their experience. It is their adoption they are discussing not yours.<br /><br />ANON 51<br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25123729161172726772014-04-15T18:43:07.126-04:002014-04-15T18:43:07.126-04:00C@April 15, 2014 at 4:26 PM:
I forgot to add: Reg...C@April 15, 2014 at 4:26 PM:<br /><br />I forgot to add: Regardless of the many reasons some women may have, they still signed those papers knowing that they would be splitting up siblings ( like my son's bmom)and allowing someone else to be called "mom and dad". <br /><br />Signed,<br /><br />Aparent of a thirteen year old who was his bmom's third child.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52256057989603825212014-04-15T18:37:40.894-04:002014-04-15T18:37:40.894-04:00C@April 15, 2014 at 4:26 PM:
I wrote what I said ...C@April 15, 2014 at 4:26 PM:<br /><br />I wrote what I said because you didn't mention POVERTY as one of the reasons. As I stated before, not all women who place are poor, young, and without support.My son's bmom is one of them. Also, if you read what I previously wrote, you will see that my son has an open adoption with his bfamily. I am not disputing that bmoms do not place lightly, but to be in denial about their reasons is misguided. Not all women want to parent. And that includes women with bio-children as well.<br /><br />Signed,<br /><br />Aparent of a thirteen year old who was his bmom's third childAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-86997112999408375242014-04-15T16:42:41.981-04:002014-04-15T16:42:41.981-04:00Anonymous adoptee:
"she was a 21 year old wh...Anonymous adoptee:<br /><br />"she was a 21 year old who must have realized that regardless of my adoptive parents social class or promises made to her about my destiny, that obviously there would be trauma involved for any child who finds out that their mother gave them up. "<br /><br />Why would they know that? In fact, they were all told the opposite, that their child would have no interest in them. <br /><br />Even if they did feel that their child would miss them, they were told that having a child out of wedlock was *proof* that they weren't the "right" sort of woman to be a mother to their child and that they would ruin the child. <br /><br />Yes some women did parent back then and often those women had parental support. However, the women I know in that position had nothing but sympathy for their fellow pregnant sisters at the same time who felt they had no option but to relinquish their child. <br /><br />Also, even if the mother's parents did pressure them to relinquish, there was certainly no help for those who did wish to parent without parental support. It is all very well to say "but that's how it was before the 70s" - in fact, before the end of the war, there were organisations that were starting to help women in those positions - when the population of adoption soared, that help vanished. Often those same organisations ended up deciding adoption was best and that as offering alternative help would lessen the number of women relinquishing, those alternatives were not to be offered.cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88357225551180430442014-04-15T16:26:00.813-04:002014-04-15T16:26:00.813-04:00"Thank you for at least acknowledging that th..."Thank you for at least acknowledging that there are women/parents who aren't "poor" and who don't want to parent."<br /><br />Um, anonymous, that isn't what I said. What I actually said was that bmothers may tell the APs they didn't want to parent so the APs don't feel guilty and was also pointing out the danger of doing that. <br /><br />I can understand them doing that - they often don't want the door slammed in their face. You sound like the sort of AP whom, at any sign of their bmother missing them, would close down the adoption, if it isn't already closed. <br /><br />And if it is actually closed, then you probably have no idea of how your child's bmom really felt. <br /><br />As I said before, Tiffany was pointing out how complex the feelings actually are. I personally find it interesting that you made the above comment about me agreeing with you when if you read the rest of my own comments, you would see that I was saying that things aren't so simple.cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84350033150239088692014-04-15T16:13:41.616-04:002014-04-15T16:13:41.616-04:00Connie@April 15, 2014 at 1:22 PM
I'm sorry th...Connie@April 15, 2014 at 1:22 PM<br /><br />I'm sorry that openness was not given to you. However, you signed papers placing your child for adoption to be raised by someone else. Who's fault is it that you signed or even thought of placing in the first place?<br /><br />I, and other aparents, can't be held responsible for the choices that bparents make. Many bparents make a hard, but willing, choice not to raise their child for many reasons. But to blame someone for the regret and guilt you( general) have is not the aparents fault. <br /><br />Let me ask you something? You knew all the milestones you would be missing, and not to mention separating siblings, so who's at fault?<br /><br />Signed,<br /><br />Aparent of a thirteen year old who was his bmom's third childAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88554960087789174242014-04-15T16:08:37.941-04:002014-04-15T16:08:37.941-04:00Connie@April 15, 2014 at 1:22 PM
I'm sorry th...Connie@April 15, 2014 at 1:22 PM<br /><br />I'm sorry that openness was not given to you. However, you signed papers placing your child for adoption to be raised by someone else. Who's fault is it that you signed or even thought of placing in the first place?<br /><br />I, and other aparents, can't be held responsible for the choices that bparents make. Many bparents make a hard, but willing, choice not to raise their child for many reasons. But to blame someone for the regret and guilt you( general) have is not the aparents fault. <br /><br />Let me ask you something? You knew all the milestones you would be missing, and not to mention separating siblings, so who's at fault?<br /><br />Signed,<br /><br />Aparent of a thirteen year old who was his bmom's third childAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9115368974234750282014-04-15T13:22:41.368-04:002014-04-15T13:22:41.368-04:00Anonymous, You may not agree but had no problem ta...Anonymous, You may not agree but had no problem taking her child "off her hands" so to speak. Her lack of "work" ethic, parenting, again, splitting up siblings (had she any idea the trauma this causes an adoptee), isn't something you SUPPORT, yet that's exactly what you did. See I know for a fact my ap's were counseled in knowing how important a sibling connection is to an adoptee! I, however was never Counseled in anything, not even the slightest heads up that I would be traumatized, my BABY, that they call theirs, would b traumatized by separation and that I may not want to give her up come that day!! Instead, those who paid, bought counsel, Bought my baby, were given knowledge, were counseled, they were, at least, prepared, that I may not sign!!! When it did come time to sign those papers and I did not want to, all of the pressures, the guilt, the defense on behalf of the buyer were present on that day!!! "they didn't sleep all night worrying if I would sign the papers, they are going to experience loss,again!!!!"<br />They, they, THEY... Makes me sick that you can defend yourself for the sake of your own conscience! Seems you are, basically putting the birth mother down to me! She didn't want to work at being a parent for another child and yet, making yourself seem better than her, by saying you don't agree with her, but you,.the hero, you're happy to take the child off of her hands!!!!<br />I'm so tired of defense for ap's. Justifying their taking a child from its natural mother and then falsely promising openness, contact, etc etc. I've never in my life felt something wss MORE unnatural in my life!!!!Laura Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08275845776422120771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71810249253089109002014-04-15T12:11:02.179-04:002014-04-15T12:11:02.179-04:00Julia@April 15, 2014 at 8:13 AM:
I don't know...Julia@April 15, 2014 at 8:13 AM:<br /><br />I don't know if you read the above post, but all Anon(@April 15, 2014, 3:45 AM) is saying is that some of the BSE bmoms blame everyone but their parents. Many of their parents forced them to place their child ( I think maybe you overlooked that part). And instead of blaming their parents, they blame society, aparents, and adoption instead. <br /><br />Signed,<br /><br />Aparent of a thirteen year old who was his bmom's third child.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59471567402790037112014-04-15T08:13:31.601-04:002014-04-15T08:13:31.601-04:00Anon @ 3:45 AM: your post is so sickening I can b...Anon @ 3:45 AM: your post is so sickening I can barely type. <br /><br />So glad you are happy with your adoptive parents who aren't "sick". Good for you.<br /><br />Do some research. Learn about the BSE. Girls WERE MOST CERTAINLY forced to relinquish their babies. Parents definitely threw their daughters out of the house and warned them never to come back unless they did so without the child. Yes, parents marched their daughters to the adoption agencies. <br /><br />Are you completely delusional? <br /><br />If more first mothers would come forward and tell their stories, the antiquated laws would be changed. At least it would be a start. The first mothers suffer tremendously and never get over giving up their children. And as an adoptee, I don't know how you don't realize that.<br /><br />Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8531676790516979922014-04-15T05:55:31.497-04:002014-04-15T05:55:31.497-04:00"No doubt anonymous, you will say that your c..."No doubt anonymous, you will say that your child's bparents told you that "they didn't want to parent". I believe you. They don't want you to feel bad, they want you to parent without feeling guilt of any kind. However, bmoms who say things like that have to be careful that their child doesn't interprent as meaning "I just couldn't be bothered". This is what can happen on public forums - a bmom will come on and support the APs by assuring them that they just didn't want to parent and adoptees might read those statements and feel that those bmoms just didn't care enough to make an effort."<br /><br />C@April 14, 2014 at 10:52 PM:<br /><br />Thank you for at least acknowledging that there are women/parents who aren't "poor" and who don't want to parent.<br /><br />I can't see why it is so hard for Tiffany to face the truth? I get that she is "new" in the adoption triad and has a lot to learn but to come across as a seasoned veteran, is just "wow".<br /><br />In regards to telling my son his story, his bmother will have to tell him ( that's why we have an open adoption). However, if she decides to sugar coat the truth we ( his parents) will not. There should be no shame in a women saying " I am not capable, or don't want, to raise a child. It's better for all involved because the bparents are being truthful to themselves about the situation they are in. <br /><br />However, to be in DENIAL and blame the adoption industry and AP's for something that the bparents consented to is false and misguided by undeserved guilt.<br /><br />Signed,<br /><br />Aparent of a thirteen year old who was his bmom's third child.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38702921597565440122014-04-15T03:45:11.187-04:002014-04-15T03:45:11.187-04:00As an adoptee, I find it interesting how ridiculou...As an adoptee, I find it interesting how ridiculous some of the self serving statements that are made here. <br /><br />For example, the birth mother who claims that she was young and brainwashed into believing her child was better off with another family, " not realizing the trauma WE ( her and her child) would be subjected too. The first point I would like to make is how some of you birth mother nazis absolutely love to blame, society, adoptive parents, and pretty well anyone but yourselves but more specifically your own (by your own admission) dysfunctional parents.<br /><br />All of these heart wrenching stories which leave to ask the question: Where were your parents while you were so vulnerable? What kind of parents abandon their daughters? What kind of parents march their daughters down to an adoption agency to give up their own offspring? Oh let me guess, it was society's fault! As if to suggest that everyone marched their pregnant single daughters to the adoption agency!<br />My birthmother was vacationing in Paris 10 months after my birth but also claims that her parents forced her to give me up! Sounds like it was more a question of the potential of a lifestyle change that was really at stake. They weren't too poor, she wasn't an aboriginal raised by the Catholic Church, she was a 21 year old who must have realized that regardless of my adoptive parents social class or promises made to her about my destiny, that obviously there would be trauma involved for any child who finds out that their mother gave them up. <br /><br />So please spare us your comments about "not realizing the trauma that "WE" (birthmother and child) would endure.<br /><br />What you really mean is that you didn't realize that the guilt that you tried to bury would never go away. But don't any of you dare suggest that you "had no idea" the trauma your child would have endured, regardless of what you were told. I just don't believe this to be the case with all of you. <br /><br />My last pet peeve is how you all love attacking the so called adoption lobby for all your woes but hardly any mention of your dysfunctional parents who "forced" you to disregard your own offspring like you'd give away a dog!<br /><br />Sorry...my adoptive parents weren't perfect but they weren't sick, like the biofam!<br /><br /><br />Sent from my iPhoneAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25246864628873655112014-04-15T02:32:07.051-04:002014-04-15T02:32:07.051-04:00I just wanted to say that one of the most importan...I just wanted to say that one of the most important things an AP can do is to make sure that they handle the talking about the bparents in the right way. <br /><br />I am not talking about oversentimentalising or slagging off bmothers, I am talking about telling one's child their story by keeping within the facts, telling only what you actually know and to avoid putting one's own spin on the facts. If one doesn't know the bparents and all one has is non-ID info then let the child know that your sources are secondhand, eg "We were told that something was so" etc rather than straight out say something was so. When the child is an adult, they can then sort the wheat from the chaff and work things out without prejudice. <br /><br />It can be easy for the AP to make assumptions from what they do know but, in the end, it is best for the child to hear it from the horse's mouth (i.e the bparent) so to speak. <br /><br />One problem with tellling one's child's their story is that even if one grossly stuffs up, they may get the adoptee THEY want. For example, telling an adoptee that "your parents just didn't want to parent you, sorry" may well get you an adoptee who doesn't want anything to do with their bparents and is only loyal to you - but at what emotional cost in the end. Sometimes those adoptees are the ones who have relationship problems and never quite know why. We praise adoptees who want nothing to do with bparents but don't want to look below the surface and ask why. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with an adoptee not wanting to know but the reason should involve them not wanting to disrupt their life (because reunion should never be underaken unless one is emotionally ready) - any adoptee who doesn't want to know their bparents because they think their bparents didn't give a stuff about them is one who feels more about the bparents that they will admit. <br /><br />SO again - if one doesn't want to meet bparents because they just don't want to disrupt their life then that's fair enough. However, if the adoptee doesn't want to meet because they feel their bparents don't deserve to, then there are other issues there. <br /><br />That doesn't mean that some compromise shouldn't be met. I think a letter from both sides explaining one's feelings can't hurt. <br /><br />In NZ,when they first opened up records, not all bparents/adoptees wanted to meet so they had the options of vetoes. However, what they also had the option to do was to put a letter in with the veto which actually did help many of the adoptees/bmoms on the other side. For example, some of the vetoes were put on as a stalling tactic so the bmothers could tell their families and explaining that in the letter did help. 30 years later, there are far less vetoes still on than there were before. <br /><br />So even if they don't want to meet, it would be kind for both parties to perhaps explain their feelings even if only via a letter.cnoreply@blogger.com