tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post8553062480290113848..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Dear FMF: Why did my (reunited) daughter's Facebook posting hurt so much? Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger82125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81451468207342475942015-03-10T21:31:29.637-04:002015-03-10T21:31:29.637-04:00Oh, Cindy, we are so sorry--sorry because all of u...Oh, Cindy, we are so sorry--sorry because all of us know what that feels like, because it happens and then it opens up and all is well and then it happens again. There is little I can say to stop the pain, except that if your daughter stays away for a long time, it will lessen if you let it. The people who want to be in your life will be; you don't have to go chasing after people who don't. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56334884146900608502015-03-10T19:19:33.316-04:002015-03-10T19:19:33.316-04:00I to met my daughter after being found on Facebook...I to met my daughter after being found on Facebook. It lasted a couple of years and the slowly stopped talking to me and then blocked me. To this day I'm not really sure why other than her adopted mother doesn't want me to have anything to do with her and has said bad things about me to her. The feeling I have is heartache once again.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12850818836910706942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58735421302948467132014-12-11T01:33:00.666-05:002014-12-11T01:33:00.666-05:00Helena your mother may very well be feeling the mo...Helena your mother may very well be feeling the most horrific betrayal. If her family or even just one member is part or all of the ''reason'' you were surrendered for adoption.. you finding them first, any of them, and having a relationship with them (her ''abandoners/betrayers'') even members who did not know of your existence. It may have been her father that 'knew'... or ......? I've found two weeks ago that the main 'contributor' in my family was even MORE complicit in the loss of my son. I'm still trying to process that blow. It gave me confirmation, in no uncertain terms that I had absolutely NO CHOICE in the matter.... if he had 'found' them first, especially a year or so ago I may have done the same thing. One reason being the rage towards my family/member would have been UNBEARABLE. That betrayal of family, the sneaking around, the refusal to tell the truth, the whole truth.... it messes with a human beings mind to the point where you just have to say ----no---. Another reason would have been I would not have wanted to meet my son with that kind of rage and grief and the pain of the most intense betrayal.. the loss of him by their hand... It may seem selfish but if you understand how many adoptees need to protect themselves from that kind of intensity of feeling... then I hope you can appreciate how a mother... your mother may feel. It means she does love you... and cannot be with you with that raging pain in her heart, in many ways to (it probably doesn't feel like it) protect you from that hard, unhealed pain in her soul. I hope for her healing and for her/your family members to spend some time and consideration in learning about adoption and how it effects mothers. It's truly needed. That way they may be able to support her in healing and support you both in reunion. Re--reading now I'm kind of puzzled that you say, ''Up until my aunt told my mother I found her it was the first anybody had tried to speak to her about me or my adoption since I was born 31 years prior." 1) I thought no-one knew of your existence. 2) If your mother has had to live in unsupported silence of the loss of you..... and now IF a betrayer/s are all ''oh welcome, welcome'' without having supported her in her loss and grief.... wow. Excruciating agony. A mother needs help and support in her loss and grief. If she has not had any, the pain can stay as raw as when our children were taken. It's abandonment of human beings-two... maybe that is some of the reason why so many mothers and adoptees can relate to what the other feels. We were both- abandoned. Yes I know we were older... but not necessarily any less abandoned, we lost our child/you, many of us lost our motherhood, our womanhood, and our worth as human beings. We weren't 'worth' being a mother to our own child.<br />I'm sorry that your mother is not able to be there for you. Give her time. I hope she can begin to heal and deal with the reality of now..she needs to mourn the missing your growing up years to be 'present' in the here and now. (~_~) and not come completely unglued. It also helps to at least try to forgive and make ''peace'' with the one/s who took control -if that is what occurred- (but that cannot be forced or even expected). There must be some source of support for your mother for her to be able -to go there-. Yes I'm on speaking terms with... and I do care about my family... it's not all gloomy. It does take awhile to get there.<br /><br />Julia Emily, the stories your A-mom told may have ''helped'' her conscience in parenting another mother's child. I.e. if your first mother was dead... you needed a mother. It 'justified' her role in your life and made her legitimate in mothering you.Cindy Aulabaughnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-89813999996334018512014-11-21T23:51:41.575-05:002014-11-21T23:51:41.575-05:00Yes, Robin. Thank youYes, Robin. Thank youadoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53914594604614367832014-11-13T10:46:42.542-05:002014-11-13T10:46:42.542-05:00Anonymous, we do long to hear about successful reu...Anonymous, we do long to hear about successful reunions! And I am glad that you took the time to write here. Adoption is such a loaded subject that it is so open to misinterpretation, especially by the the anonymous masses who post read and post a comment quickly. <br /><br />Though I have written extensively about the ups and downs that my daughter and I had, I also consider my reunion "successful." It was like life, interrupted. I had a <br />successful relationship with my mother, but lordy, that does not mean it was conflict free. <i>Oh contraire.</i> <br /><br />I think I feel a post about what "success" in reunion constitutes coming on. As for the outsiders suddenly thinking you are unequivocally pro adoption, that's just too bad. I hope you will continue to speak up; a good reunion doesn't mean that the initial adoption was a good thing. It means people are able to make the best of a bad situation. <br /><br />Thanks so much for writing! Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31822364567586262902014-11-13T10:38:39.441-05:002014-11-13T10:38:39.441-05:00Hilary,
When you wrote, I wish there was a way to...Hilary, <br />When you wrote, I wish there was a way to have peace, I felt a pang for while the pain dulls it never quite goes away. Now it's a granddaughter (who had been adopted-out) who retreated with a rather snotty email, and I have stayed away. Years have passed. I wish it weren't this way but the thought reopening all the emotions again and feeling that she will probably retreat eventually and leave me bereft once more is enough for me to keep my distance. My daughter's comings and goings left me older, wiser, and less ready to welcome her own daughter, my granddaughter, back with open arms. <br /><br />"Once burned, twice shy" suits the situation. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-413474245862484692014-11-13T10:15:57.871-05:002014-11-13T10:15:57.871-05:00You are right Trina. Successful reunions do exist,...You are right Trina. Successful reunions do exist, just like those that have tanked or never got going in the first place. I am a mother who considers my 16 year reunion with my adult child and family to be very successful. I love them all. Unfortunately I've had the experience of speaking positively about my reunion twisted to look like I unequivocally support adoption, which I certainly don't. So I have pretty much clammed up with speaking about my experience on the internet, instead putting that extra energy into my family and talking about adoption reform to people I meet instead. Each to their own, but for me that has been much more rewarding. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13278282582709269142014-11-12T17:57:45.200-05:002014-11-12T17:57:45.200-05:00Does society treat adoptees like adults? When I, ...Does society treat adoptees like adults? When I, as an adult adoptee, am denied access to my own birth records and my own birth certificate...not to mention that many agencies want to get permission from our first-parents before any information is released. None of this seems to be in sync with an adoptees' adult status. Fairlighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10560009333830284302noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37887663204705826762014-11-09T18:43:26.398-05:002014-11-09T18:43:26.398-05:00Adoptomuss's story illustrates the absolute pr...Adoptomuss's story illustrates the absolute primacy of the mother in a person's life. My gut sense is what others have said, that Adoptomuss's mother does not want to, or is unable to, face her guilt and shame over relinquishing A-muss yet keeping her other child.<br /><br />But knowing that really doesn't do Adoptomuss any good. Nor does telling her to find her emotional peace and contentment from the people who want to be in her life. If I remember correctly, A-muss is happily married and has 4 children. Yet, none of the people in her immediate family, nor anyone else, can truly substitute for the love one hopes to get from their natural mother. A mother is not replaceable.<br /><br />I fear that A-muss got screwed and that the pain will always be there for her to some degree. The best she can hope for, in my humble opinion, is to try to accept the situation and cope with it the best she can.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-76801862351958385332014-11-09T12:06:47.103-05:002014-11-09T12:06:47.103-05:00My world exactly!My world exactly!Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44694583612736030732014-11-06T22:36:25.119-05:002014-11-06T22:36:25.119-05:00Lori:
I agree respect goes both ways
MyaLori:<br /><br />I agree respect goes both ways<br /><br />MyaMyanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28095389174830481262014-11-06T18:58:45.500-05:002014-11-06T18:58:45.500-05:00I'm so very sorry, Lori. Both for you and your...I'm so very sorry, Lori. Both for you and your daughter. Filling a heart with hate is such a sad way to live a life, especially hate for a mother reaching out and wanting to love you.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-86655407190921127252014-11-06T16:35:21.377-05:002014-11-06T16:35:21.377-05:00@adoptomus, I had a second child and also ended up...@adoptomus, I had a second child and also ended up marrying the first father. When we found our first child our son was actually overjoyed and stated that it was better than winning the lottery. Although he was young at the time(age 10) he seemed to understand that his newfound sister was given quite a bit of extra attention plus a lot of what he called "stuff." It was an attempt on our part to make up for lost time, which of course in reality is impossible. <br /><br />Your situation sounds pretty dire so I'd do what Jane and Lorraine have suggested which is to focus on the positive things that you do have in your life as it's really the only sane path to take. Gailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81671510700156168962014-11-06T16:17:03.887-05:002014-11-06T16:17:03.887-05:00I'm thinking that perhaps your brother demands...I'm thinking that perhaps your brother demands, either directly or subtly that your mother shut you out. Some siblings react like some adoptive parents when they learn of a reunion -- they demand absolute loyalty. Your mother may fear that if she doesn't give that to your brother, she may lose him as well as you.<br /><br />I had three daughters after I gave up my first daughter. After my reunion,my kept daughters were hurt by the amount of time and emotional energy I spent on my lost daughter. Still, they never asked me to cut off contact and I never would have. <br /><br />Another thought, when my daughters were growing up, I always felt guilty doing things for them because I hadn't done these things for my lost daughter. One way to cope was to try to shut my lost daughter out of mind which I never was able to do completely. Perhaps your mother too tried to close you off and fears opening up her mind and heart for all the regrets that will gush out. <br /><br />Perhaps your parents thought they were protecting you from the drug scene rather than getting rid of you. They may have been encouraged to think by the adoption agency/relatives/pastors/etc this rather then offering help to get off drugs and keep you.<br /><br />Everything related to adoption is so complicated. From my experience, we never know why or how. As Lorraine said, try to find pleasure in the things you do have. <br /><br /> <br /><br />Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48470073131305180512014-11-06T14:54:08.613-05:002014-11-06T14:54:08.613-05:00Mya, it also would help biological parents if adop...Mya, it also would help biological parents if adoptees were honest about that relationship... My daughter dismissed her parents, in fact she denigrated them and told me all the "horrible" stuff. What reaction would you expect from a bparent who only heard how they abused the child that was entrusted to them? Honestly, it works out that if you want someone to respect your relationships, you have to respect them as well. I am learning. I think that you are also an exception. Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29302377561191133962014-11-06T13:10:49.967-05:002014-11-06T13:10:49.967-05:00Trina - my reunion with my young adult son has bee...Trina - my reunion with my young adult son has been "successful" over the past few years and I hope it stays that way. What has helped - he is laid back and doesn't get his dander up easily, I have read a ton of reunion books and blogs but know that my counterparts in this reunion have not, so I try not to take offense when insensitive things are said or done; we live close to one another so have been able to spend real time together; his adoptive parents have been supportive of the reunion even though it must be hard at times; we have tried to embrace all parties as "family" which hopefully keeps the best interests of our son at the forefront; my husband is supportive; I have been willing (no matter how hard) to tell my other children, extended family and current friends of the situation even though it was previously unknown. Is it perfect? No. I have had to work at dealing with my own pain in therapy and peer support (Ohio Birthparent Group has been a huge support www.ohiobirthparents.org). We have been lucky.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09598268021592326426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-68122108092880378172014-11-06T11:31:45.973-05:002014-11-06T11:31:45.973-05:00Mya, to make it easier to find your comments, plea...Mya, to make it easier to find your comments, please choose the Name/URL choice when you comment, out in Mya--you do not need to put in a URL--and it will give you an identity, at least here....thanksLorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19752920263941759962014-11-06T11:23:25.795-05:002014-11-06T11:23:25.795-05:00Lori:
For me, at first, it was as if my aparents ...Lori:<br /><br />For me, at first, it was as if my aparents ( and my history with them) was being dismissed. And as you know, we adoptee are very protective of our aparents and family. As I have stated before in one of my pervious post, I have a very loving relationship with my bfamily and my aparents love them too. But I know one of the main reason why we have this relationship is because my bparents respect the relationship that I have with my "mom & dad" they know my aparents are my parents. I feel that some, not all, adoptees may have difficult relationships with their bfamily because of anger or because the bfamily does not see the afamily as significant, nor do they acknowledge the relationship between the adoptee and aparents <br /><br />MyaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30784416616617807622014-11-06T07:53:32.585-05:002014-11-06T07:53:32.585-05:00Trina - here is a story of a successful reunion. M...Trina - here is a story of a successful reunion. My partner has had a reunion and has been part of our daughters life for about 10 years now. He has been welcomed into the family and has a great relationship with her amother, They speak and meet regularly and celebrate occasions together. His mother and sister are all part of this wider family too,so everything is really good there. Cheating a bit I guess as it is the father in contact not the mother, but still good. Maybe a bit easier as our daughters afather passed away when she was 14 and also he has no other children.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13701182073621848954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11900672069095773782014-11-05T22:24:09.627-05:002014-11-05T22:24:09.627-05:00adoptomuss, sadly, I never had any other children....adoptomuss, sadly, I never had any other children.... and the weird part is that I raised a bunch of others.......Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46196362390874264682014-11-05T22:22:31.498-05:002014-11-05T22:22:31.498-05:00You are an exception. Most adoptive parents are s...You are an exception. Most adoptive parents are so busy trying to make the child into them, they forget that they have influence - nurture does indeed modify the internal - but they are not going to make them into the perfect little clone of them...... I wish my daughter had not been so busy being taught to hate me, but rather learning to love herself.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59341491923151876092014-11-05T18:35:31.384-05:002014-11-05T18:35:31.384-05:00To answer your last question, A, I don't know....To answer your last question, A, I don't know. <br /><br />Adoption is so full of hurt and pain. Try to focus on the people who do want to be in your life. Remember this: The people who want to be in your life will be. You don't have to go chasing after them. <br /><br />Try to find pleasure and acceptance among the people who know you and love you. It sounds like your father was the factor that led to your being given up. And of course, first parents are never told about the heartache that could result for all the parties involved. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14629533816687642742014-11-05T18:19:32.167-05:002014-11-05T18:19:32.167-05:00I must say again, that I think Lorraines attitude ...I must say again, that I think Lorraines attitude toward her daughter seems to be the right one, in my mind. She never had any other children, because, how could you keep other children after giving one away. it would be much better for me if my mother had not kept my brother. Knowing he got to grow up with her is torture. <br /><br />He got everything I was denied. His father wanted him, so my mother kept him. She was married to my father when i was born, but somehow he convinced her to give me up anyway. She could have legally gotten support from him. My brother has 4 siblings from his father's second marriage. I was raised an only child in my adoptive family. I don't know how to stop the feeling of pain and jelousy, despite my advanced age and adult status.<br /><br />My mother loves him, and is involved in his life in every way. She wants nothing to do with me or my 4 children. How do I grow up and get over it? <br /><br />My father said they were self destructive drug addicts when I was born, so they had to get rid of me, but they are still alive in their 70's. I guess they didn't self destruct after all. How do I stop hurting?? adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37177771525210077262014-11-05T17:05:53.089-05:002014-11-05T17:05:53.089-05:00Cherry, thank you. I hope if adoptive parents who...Cherry, thank you. I hope if adoptive parents who believe differently (and I know I'm not the only one!) continue to lend our voices for our children, then change can occur.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82561803769310002702014-11-05T16:06:08.204-05:002014-11-05T16:06:08.204-05:00"First, the genetic similarities... no offens..."First, the genetic similarities... no offense to anyone intended, but genetics are what they are. You are going to look like the family that should have raised you. Not the family that did raise you. You are going to be a stomper, shouter, whisperer, talented something or other, according to genetics - not who raised you."<br /><br />My husband came out from checking on our youngest last night and he said,"{Daughter} was sleeping and just the way her face was turned and the way the light was hitting her, she looked exactly like {her first mom}." I tend to think she looks a lot like her dad, while my husband thinks she strongly favors her mom. We often say these kinds of things without a second thought. Of course she looks like them! She acts like them too, and I share bits and pieces of her personality and habits with them and ask who they came from. I can't tell you how often my husband and I have remarked to each other when watching a band that we can picture our daughter up there someday, too, just like her dad. I enjoy collecting this genetic history for my daughter. It is a HUGE part of who she is, and we love and embrace it.<br /><br />At the same time, she does display traits she picks up from us, too. Nuture plays a part as well. She copies her big sister (who is our daughter biologically) and acts like her sometimes even while other times, it's clear she is her own person. I know adoptees sometimes talk about struggling growing up in a family they did not identify with from a personality and appearance standpoint. It must be hard not to see yourself mirrored back in your own family. I try to be sensitive to that, embrace her genetic roots openly (including her striking and obvious resemblance to her parents), and also celebrate our randomly occurring commonalities. She and I are alike in a lot of ways, which obviously isn't nature, but I do appreciate it all the same.<br /><br />I'm sorry, Lori. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it must be to deal with what you are going through.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.com