tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post8734557392030250014..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Adoptive parents say the darnedest things. To us.Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger103125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1794524979512531662014-08-02T23:14:02.119-04:002014-08-02T23:14:02.119-04:00Michele: thanks for adding your comment. I was on ...Michele: thanks for adding your comment. I was on Facebook today on a site supposedly about "Infertility and Adoption." Well, they sure did not want to hear any negativity. Some of them "hate" firstmotherforum. Way too negative. About adoption. In one post when I was feeling my oats--maybe it's even this one--I came out and said we were real mothers. Ye gods, blasphemy. <br />Both mothers--biological and adoptive--are real. Just in different ways. But I am a mother too. Period. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71156896885121817322014-08-02T23:10:09.550-04:002014-08-02T23:10:09.550-04:00Oh, Tera, many moons later--thanks and thanks for ...Oh, Tera, many moons later--thanks and thanks for using your real name. <br />Me too!<br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8278392293167095232014-08-02T21:25:18.553-04:002014-08-02T21:25:18.553-04:00Chiming in here as an adoptee who has a wonderful ...Chiming in here as an adoptee who has a wonderful relationship with her adoptive mother...<br /><br />Adoptivemomof2: You need to wake up. WAKE UP!! I absolutely love and respect my adoptive mother, but I would be gutted if she spoke of my first mother the way you are speaking of first mothers. Why? My first mother makes up HALF of who I am. She gave me life. She carried me for 9 months and half of my DNA comes from her. Never, under any circumstances, should an adoptive mother speak down to or less of a first mother. EVER. You are hurting your child when you do.<br /><br />The thing is, my adoptive mother would never speak of my first mother the way you are speaking of first mothers. I am in reunion with my first mother, and my adoptive mother has the highest regard for the woman who gave me life. Those two are close friends and talk on the phone even now that I'm 30 and out of the house.<br /><br />In further defense of first mothers, all of those "adoption qualifications" you listed don't make you a "fit parent". People can pass all of the legal red tape and not be a fit parent. Parenting is more than passing tests. I know that because I am a parent now. Parenting requires knowing your child and raising him or her to the best of your abilities. No home visit can truly gauge your ability to do that. Part of knowing your adopted child requires you to acknowledge that your child is biologically different than you... and biologically related to the woman who gave him life. More importantly...<br /><br />Knock it off with the gratitude talk. All of this, "first mothers should be appreciative," is sickening. It's the same kind of BS adoptees are fed by society saying we should be grateful and never have a desire to know our genetic heritage. Thankfully, my adoptive parents are wiser and recognize the importance of my biological families (yes, plural, I'm in reunion with my first father's family, too).<br /><br />You're not a saint. If you were, you wouldn't be rubbing your holier-than-thou status in everyone's face. Reading the way you speak of first mothers set my blood boiling. I would defy you to speak of my first mother that way to me or to my adoptive mother. My usually kind and gracious adoptive mother would probably give you a sound lecture before words ever left my mouth.Michelenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22480941090022046012013-02-10T15:59:41.660-05:002013-02-10T15:59:41.660-05:00Thanks Tera,
We couldn't have said it better....Thanks Tera,<br /><br />We couldn't have said it better.<br /><br />I hope when your daughter turns 18, she figures out what jerks her adopters are and comes home to you and her father.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56532076465730152722013-02-10T14:37:36.630-05:002013-02-10T14:37:36.630-05:00Also, this is supposed to be a safe place for firs...Also, this is supposed to be a safe place for first mom's to express their feelings, thoughts and opinions. It is not a place where we should have to fend off further shit hurled at us from adoptive parents and the like. Not a first mom? Lacking in empathy and understanding? GTFO, and post on your own sites. Thank you. yhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876734077783917084noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7779229772682840872013-02-10T14:30:37.314-05:002013-02-10T14:30:37.314-05:00First off, I want to say that it was nice to be ab...First off, I want to say that it was nice to be able to have a good chuckle in regards to some of the earlier posts, none of the horrid insults directed at first moms are in anyway funny, but the collective ludicrousity was overwhelming and it was nice to be able to laugh for a change despite the sad reason we are all gathered here.<br /><br />So here are some good ones coming from my daughter's aparents:<br /><br />-YOU are NOT her mother, JANE is! (My daughter was only a couple weeks old at this point, still very much felt I was her mother, after all I had just carried her for nine mos. and had only just given birth, my breasts where still leaking for god sakes!)<br /><br />-If it weren't for us, you would be a single mother on welfare, what about this is so difficult for you?<br /><br />-You did not give us this baby,GOD did! (I am later told by my daughter that the afather who made this statement is an ATHEIST!! LOL, but he is a lawyer after all..<br /><br />-We will MAKE her understand! (When I asked how my daughter might feel later on about them closing the "open" adoption) I wonder how that is working out for them..?<br /><br />-Your son is NOT her brother, our (adopted)son is! (My son and daughter have the same mother and father, I should know, I birthed both of them, I'm pretty sure that would make them siblings, would it not!?!)<br /><br />-50% of all open adoptions close. (Another justification from lawyer adad)<br /><br />-please don't bring your camera to visits, we want her to have pictures of HER family, not two families, Thank you.-amom<br /><br />-I state "she's so beautiful!" amom's response: she has baby acne.<br /><br />These are just a few, my daughter is now 15, and the BS just keeps coming..there has been countless other comments from other "well meaning" people who know nothing..."I'm sure she's better off", "But they must be good people" "You need to move on" and other such bull that I am sure all of you have had to endure. She's MY CHILD, and they used "open" adoption to steal her from me! How the fuck am I supposed to move on? Would someone say that to anyone else who had a child stolen from them? Ah, but I digress, I'm just a throw away baby maker, what do I know?<br /><br />Oh and I'm using my real name.yhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876734077783917084noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52925896385014130762012-12-01T09:05:56.289-05:002012-12-01T09:05:56.289-05:00Adoptivemomof2 I am not angry at my daughter's...Adoptivemomof2 I am not angry at my daughter's substitute parents. I was angry when he said that I could not have "his daughter" because I had 3 of my own. I did rant to my daughter about that saying I thought I deserved a little more respect since it was me that made him a father and me who made his wife a mother and me who made them a family and despite what he thinks she is MY DAUGHTER and there is nothing he can do to change that. <br /><br />I did not have home visits, parenting classes, etc. I do have children who are successful in their lives, who are married, one is a parent and went to college, one who is a microbiology major working toward a masters. Being under a microscope does not make you a fit parent. Sometimes you can do your best as a parent and children still make bad choices. Some of who they turn out to be is in their DNA. You will see.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11256348930034204788noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3756355665560940282012-12-01T00:15:19.453-05:002012-12-01T00:15:19.453-05:00Lorraine, i cant say that i understand what this p...Lorraine, i cant say that i understand what this person is going through but i do empathize with her. Lynda, im not saying that everyone who gives their child up is an unfit parent. What i meant by not able to parent is that there are several circumstances that make someone the person who isnt parenting. I didnt pay any money for my children and i didnt do a private adoption. She had three years to get her son back and decided to sign her rights away on her own. I have also taken in a teenager so i wasnt on the hunt for an infant. Im sorry you were forced into giving up your child but maybe your anger should not be placed on the adoptive parents but more on the one forcing you to give the child away. In my experience working with dfcs for the last several years is that too many of these mothers are all too anxious to give their child up and get on with their life. Not saying that everyone or even most feel this way. I agree,adoption should be rare but in our society today people just dont put that much into parenting. And you are right. Adopting a child does not make me a fit parent. The parenting classes, home visits, background checks, having a stranger look into every detail of my life, going through my drawers, cabinets and closets, certifications and too many other preprations to name before the child could even come to my home... That is what makes me a fit parent. Not to mention the experience of actually raising the child. Being pregnant does not make someone an all knowing parent. I was watched under a microscope before i could become a parent. If people had tongo through that before they could get pregnant there would be alot less adoptions because there would be alot less pregnancies. Both sides are self righteous because we believe in what we are doing but i do believe a child should know where they come from. If they dont have roots they can never have wings.Adoptivemomof2noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62905764675732204102012-11-30T21:23:49.595-05:002012-11-30T21:23:49.595-05:00This, Adoptive Momof2 ws left as a whole different...This, Adoptive Momof2 ws left as a whole different post today but I thought I would post it here so that you can see what Jane and I are talking about first hand: <br /><br />Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "After adoption first/birth mothers are supposed to...":<br /><br />I'm glad to have come across this post. I have never been able to talk about my experience losing my child to adoption, and it's taken its toll. It's only been 11 years, and sometimes I feel so detached and numb to it that I don't even know how long it's been. I am often very angry and sad over it, and do not share my experience with others. When I have shared, I get such a range of responses - I've been told that what I did was "brave" and I brush this off, because it doesn't feel brave. I've also been told that what I did was selfish. I hate all the responses I receive. It doesn't matter what others think because I still carry so much shame with this memory. I would never wish this experience on anyone - I hate when people tell women to just give up a baby. It's traumatic and heartbreaking and the pain remains long long after. I am pretty sure every decision I've made since then is to distance myself from feeling that kind of pain ever again.<br /><br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57216269032754781412012-11-30T20:16:07.914-05:002012-11-30T20:16:07.914-05:00The reason birthmothers are angry (I don't con...The reason birthmothers are angry (I don't consider them hateful) is that like Lynda Musselman, many mothers were lied to, coerced, or manipulated into giving up their children. This occurs because there is a great demand for infants. So, yes, those who are willing to pay big bucks for infants are in large part responsible for mothers losing their children just as those who buy ivory are responsible for the slaughter of elephants.<br /><br />The US has an obscenely high infant adoption rate because so much money can be made arranging adoptions. In countries like Australia where adoptions are handled by the government, there are virtually no infant adoptions.<br /><br />While you are helping out a mother who could not raise her child, many adoptive parents are raising children who would flourish in their own homes.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21458753688979289832012-11-30T16:11:12.664-05:002012-11-30T16:11:12.664-05:00Okay, I give up. if you folks want to chat here, I...Okay, I give up. if you folks want to chat here, I'll keep posting.<br /><br /><br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7960864039736496932012-11-30T16:03:16.187-05:002012-11-30T16:03:16.187-05:00Adoptivemomof2, I was not given a choice nor were ...Adoptivemomof2, I was not given a choice nor were most of us. that word is thrown around a lot, but we did not chose adoption. It was made for us by our parents, society, etc. Who is to say we could not parent our children? I actually was forced by my mother to place my SECOND born for adoption. Which means I was parenting a child and parented her and her subsequent siblings successfully to adulthood, which many women who have been forced to relinquish a child have also done. More emphasis needs to be on supporting pregnant mothers in crisis instead of the cruel act of separating mother and child. I don't believe adoption should be outlawed. I do believe it should be rare. Pregnant mothers in crisis need to be asked "what do you need to parent your child?" To say we should be appreciative is insane and so insulting. I should appreciate the person who raised my daughter. No thank you. They made out like bandits. My daughter and I were the ones to suffer the lifelong trauma caused by our separation. Just because you adopted children does not make you a fit parent either.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11256348930034204788noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10408943702590843302012-11-30T15:58:04.587-05:002012-11-30T15:58:04.587-05:00I did say COMMENTS CLOSED, BUT I assumed Adoptive ...I did say COMMENTS CLOSED, BUT I assumed Adoptive Mother of 2 wanted to be posted? <br /><br />Thanks for clarifying. Please understand, even the mothers who are the most angry understand that the Mom who does the work is indeed a mother; it is just that many of our readers have had such terrible experiences with relinquishing, or the adoptive parents who promised open adoption and then closed it, or have read the awful things said about first mothers on adoptive mother blogs, or there has been a much hoped for reunion but they were rejected (there is a lot of lingering pain (some would say, PTSD) to go around in adoption to both natural biological mothers and adoptees) and FMF is a safe place for them to Vent, as I say in our tag line. And this post was about the terrible things have have been said to mothers who relinquished their children, starting with what was said to me by a "friend." Who is still a friend. <br /><br />See you around campus....<br /><br />Again, let's shut down this discussion here. This blog as you know is from August. We hope you will peek in now and then and see what's under discussion currently. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17988291407617306142012-11-30T12:13:28.924-05:002012-11-30T12:13:28.924-05:00I am definately not refering to the writers of thi...I am definately not refering to the writers of this blog but to some of the posters. I do not really empathize with my sons mother because she did have a choice but i do with the mothers who had to give their children up due to unfortunate circumstances. I cant imagine what they must feel. But some of these bm's just seem hateful. I feel a though my sons mother and i did each other a favor. How can one harbor so much hate towards someone who stepped up to do something they couldnt do? They should be appreciative. I know not all circumtances are the same but we should unite as mothers, birth and adoptive, to do what is in the childs best interest. And i didnt mean that bm's are not mothers by that commnt i just mean that adoptive mothers are just as much the mother of the child and some are truely not fit to be parents. Anyone can get pregnant. That does not make them a fit parent Adoptivemotherof2noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28489264148952375452012-11-30T08:17:45.668-05:002012-11-30T08:17:45.668-05:00Adoptive Mom of 2:
Perhpas you would understnad o...Adoptive Mom of 2:<br /><br />Perhpas you would understnad our position on adoption better if you read our page: What We Think About Adoption. <br /><br />Many mothers of origin live lives of deep pain that they never get over, and when you make a statement like this, it does seem as if you have no empathy for mothers in a different position than the from whom you <i>acquired</i> at least one of your children: <br /><i>Biology is the least of what makes you a mother.</i><br /><br />Many of the women here gave up their children under extreme duress. We do understand the difference between our motherhood and yours; you ask for understanding, but your statement certainly waffles on yours of our side of the equation. But understand this, we, the writers of this blog, do not hate adoptive mothers. <br /><br />and now, COMMENTS CLOSED. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67517134905969886422012-11-30T01:26:47.136-05:002012-11-30T01:26:47.136-05:00It really amazes me at all the hate on these posts...It really amazes me at all the hate on these posts. <br />I am an adoptive mother by accident. My childrens<br />Bio mother begged me to take him after the state<br />Removed him from her. He was the fourth of her<br />Kids to be removed by the state. I feel i am his real<br />Mother. I am the one to do the day to day stuff and <br />I would give my life for this child. He is my world. When <br />We first got him we thought it was temporary but slowly <br />Started realizing that she wasnt going to get him back after<br />Pretty much doing nothing on her case plan. I am not <br />The least bit jealous nor do i feel inferior to her. I am saddend that she wasnt responsible enough to get her shit together. In no way has she ever mothered him. Getting pregnant and giving birth doesnt make you a mom. Biology is the least of what makes you a mother. But i will say this, i have the deepest respect for a woman who realizes she cannot provide what is best for the child at that time. My sons bio mother really did give me the greatest gift of my life and i love her for that. I do not agree with her self centered behavior when she could have gotten him back but i do know when ahe signed the surrender papers for him i cried. But not for me. I cant imagine what she was going through and i know she loves him and in my opinion, at that very moment, she proved it. I do not believe in ever speaking ill of his bm and i dont let anyone else do it either. We are all faced with hard choices in life and we do what we think is best. She hates me now and tells people i stole her child but im pretty sure its just her regret talking. So all you bm please be sensitive to the other side. I am the mother he knows i kiss his boo boos and i love him too. I have every right to say im his real mother because im really doing the mothering. Adoptivemotherof2noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1786080860006029852012-10-12T01:04:37.690-04:002012-10-12T01:04:37.690-04:00I am new to this blog. I am a mother and a first ...I am new to this blog. I am a mother and a first mother. I hate the term birth mother but my sons adopted parents always refer to me as his birthmom. I gave my son up for adoption when i was 18. It was a closed adoption but I did spend time with the people who adopted my son. I looked for my son and found him when he was 20. I contacted him. We connected (of course we did - because we always were). We bonded immediately. He has called me mom from day 1. We are going strong for 2 years now and only recently have I started having some real issues with some of the things that the "adopted" mom has said. Just recently they went on vacation and my son had admitted himself into a rehab so he wasnt able to go. I went to visit him and his adopted mother texted me asking how he was doing. I wrote back and let her know that he was doing great. She responded by telling me she was struggling as she was on the plane. Looking at his empty seat. Then proceeded to tell me that she was tired of the losses. (as this has happened before where he didnt or wasnt able to attend a family vacation due to an on-going addiction) Anyway, when she stated that she was tired of the losses - it just hit me...stabbed me...infuriated me. I have never been so angry at a statement before. I could NOT believe it. Im so glad it was a text because there is no way I would have been able to contain myself had we been speaking. I didnt answer her for quite some time. i couldnt. i wanted to say soooo many things - but first and foremost i wanted to scream YOU??? are tired of the losses?!?!?!?!?!? YOU??? are struggling because you have an empty seat on your family vacation?????? YOU????? YOU - have no idea what its like to look at an empty seat and feel LOSSSSS!!!!!! All i can say is it is a very very good thing that we were soo far away from each other and I had a good week or so to get a grip on my fury!!! I know that she didnt intentionally say it to upset me - she feels comfortable with me and was only sharing her feelings -- but i took major offense to this statement.Annenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73952217021530041652012-08-09T08:34:07.629-04:002012-08-09T08:34:07.629-04:00Thank you, Lorraine, for that further understandin...Thank you, Lorraine, for that further understanding. What you wrote makes perfect sense. Adoption...the gift that keeps on damaging.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51722479345606519052012-08-09T08:16:43.066-04:002012-08-09T08:16:43.066-04:00Robin, You mention the anger that will parallel th...Robin, You mention the anger that will parallel the anger here regarding the social pressures to give up our babies; it's anger yes, but it is so tinged with sorrow and shame that deflects the power to push back. That dynamic is why we don't have more birth mothers at the barricades fighting to open those records--not only for adoptees but for themselves, to find out what happened to their children. Taken to its end result, that shame, sorrow and illogial promise of anonymity is why so many women from that era are even unwilling to meet their lost children. Thus the cycle of sadness that we have today.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67480616291034979522012-08-09T07:45:42.084-04:002012-08-09T07:45:42.084-04:00I highly doubt that Korean women want to give thei...I highly doubt that Korean women want to give their babies up any more than American women wanted to in the 50s, 60s and 70s. But everyone thought they did. Oh yes, they were making such a free choice. Millions of women really wanted to be locked away in maternity homes and relinquish their children never to be heard from again. Right!<br /><br />Maybe we could extend some international goodwill by bringing light to the devastation that was caused by the American BSE. When Korean women gain their voice and get out from under patriarchy (which I'm assuming is the reason for their BSE) they are going to be mighty angry at this legalized kidnapping they are currently experiencing. And all countries need to stop punishing children who are born out of wedlock by denything them the right to know and to be raised by their REAL families.<br /><br />The whole premise that if a child is born out of wedlock, s/he should be given to strangers is a crock of shit. Although I guess saying "it's the culture, women WANT to give their children to complete strangers in closed adoptions, there's nothing we can do about it" certainly behooves prospective adoptive parents.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37814132500296086372012-08-08T14:47:42.531-04:002012-08-08T14:47:42.531-04:00The new, more recently formed organization is the ...The new, more recently formed organization is the Korean Unwed Mothers Families’ Association, explained on this Korean-American adoptee's blog here: <br />http://peaceshannon.tumblr.com/post/21013992058/what-is-kumfaBettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73202987644161254562012-08-08T14:42:32.555-04:002012-08-08T14:42:32.555-04:00Betty:
Can't know everything and keep writing...Betty:<br /><br />Can't know everything and keep writing on several fronts. Thanks.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6375483818863778662012-08-08T13:27:41.661-04:002012-08-08T13:27:41.661-04:00Lorraine, one organization that helps Korean singl...Lorraine, one organization that helps Korean single mothers is KUMSN, founded by American adoptive parent, Dr. Richard Boas.<br />http://www.kumsn.org/main/<br /><br />I am surprised you need to ask.Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56283981482937716882012-08-08T12:25:07.528-04:002012-08-08T12:25:07.528-04:00Thanks, Anon AP, for commenting here and your thou...Thanks, Anon AP, for commenting here and your thoughts. The situation in Korea regarding single mothers is like the 50s and 60s and early 70s in the good old USA. <br /><br />And for any who might be interested, what is the name or link of the Korean org. to help single mothers? <br /><br />Thanks!Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61667482481083770882012-08-07T18:39:42.478-04:002012-08-07T18:39:42.478-04:00Anon AP again (and then I'm just going to shut...Anon AP again (and then I'm just going to shut up): ironically, many Korean natural mothers don't want their children adopted in Korea because of the huge stigma adoptees in Korea face. Of course, the real solution to Korea's "single mother problem" is for the government to enact and enforce anti-discrimination laws, child support laws, and to give single moms financial aid to help them raise their own children. (Korean ADOPTIVE parents receive a much larger monthly stipend than single moms because they are considered to be doing something noble by "raising somebody else's children). Domestic adoptions in Korea seem to have peaked in 2008 and have been falling since. The Korean government wants to end international adoption to "save face," NOT because it cares about the children. And really, unless Korean citizens favor better support for single mothers who want to raise their children, it doesn't seem like much will change very soon. The only way that I have found to help at all is to support a relatively new organization that gives expectant and new moms a place to stay, job training, classes in taking care of babies, etc. It is not in any way affiliated with an adoption agency and really encourages women to keep their babies. Unfortunately, the need for such help exceeds the capacity of this organization to supply it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com