tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post873466434804678836..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Kohl's adoption-reunion video sparks debate. Of course. Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44043170610609705542015-12-23T17:30:08.303-05:002015-12-23T17:30:08.303-05:00Mashka, I also have now read your blog. What your ...Mashka, I also have now read your blog. What your birth mother has been doing is serious and against the law, and is not without harm to you. <br /><br />I think it would help you to get the police involved and press charges against her. From my own personal experience, the only thing that can deter this type of behavior is communication from the authorities - that stalking and harassing activity is criminal - along with an arrest if their warning is not heeded. <br /><br />You are a private citizen and she has NO legal connection to you. You deserve peace in your young life. This has been going on for too long.<br /><br />This is the same as if a neighbor, boss, ex-boyfriend or anyone else were bothering you and causing you discomfort. I'm so sorry for your birth mother, but the law protects everybody - including you. <br /><br />Protect yourself aggressively; she is on the wrong side of the law and basic morality. Get advice from your aparents if they can help. Don't go it alone. new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29310790589997303252015-12-23T09:01:39.107-05:002015-12-23T09:01:39.107-05:00Given how my adoption(s) turned out, when people s...Given how my adoption(s) turned out, when people say it was "God's plan" or "how it was meant to be," all I can say is that your God must really hate me.kayehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14867231123908961933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31192464582524756932015-12-22T14:08:34.539-05:002015-12-22T14:08:34.539-05:00I am an adoptee, a mother and grandmother. My adop...I am an adoptee, a mother and grandmother. My adoptive father spoke in front of the Maine Legislature supporting open adoption records. He said: "If you raise your child with Love, kindness and understanding, the child will only grow to love you more, once you support their need and efforts to find their birth family" My father died in the fall of 1989 before the state of Maine opened records. My birth mother was an LMSW and fought until her death to open records. She died of a very fast growing cancer at the age of 51 in 1993. My adoptive mother continued the fight to open records and support me until her death in 1998. On January 1, 2009 I went to Maine to receive my original birth certificate. It was a 2 page document with the word: ILLEGITIMATE stamped across the top which is an abusive act of the Law! I'm a person. A healthy minded member of society. May all of us, adoptive, birth families and neighbors, live in peace and accept that we, adoptees are the people who ride this journey alone. We must be heard. There would be no adoptions, birth parents or adoptive parents, without our existence. Please listen to our words. Wishing everyone support and a loving community. Nancy Hawkes Achenbachhttp://orphanisland.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67702514207380042692015-12-22T11:58:54.089-05:002015-12-22T11:58:54.089-05:00new and old...
As you so aptly put it - AP's ...new and old...<br /><br />As you so aptly put it - AP's are always discussed. That is not an argument why they should be included, their thoughts aired on what their son has chosen to do as an adult. He's an adult, not a child anymore, treat him as such. <br /><br />Reunion is not about adoption. It's about reunion between people who have been apart for a period of time.<br /><br />He's all grown up now. He gets to make the decisions about who, what, where, and when he associates with anyone, just like every other adult. Even the choice of whether or not he tells his parents he is going to meet his other mother, is his to make.<br /><br />Time for the one who had zero say about his life - to have all the say. Time for everyone else to take a seat.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19534452579897327542015-12-22T11:14:41.741-05:002015-12-22T11:14:41.741-05:00Ah so. It's just that I've heard it so man...Ah so. It's just that I've heard it so many times....and yes, never did I hear that from my own daughter. She was understanding, pissed off, but in her comments that I quote in hole in my heart, she comes very close to saying just that...and I had taped the conversation so what I quote is exactly what she said. So...i dunno. Perhaps it is a an acceptance of fate in hindsight?At the same time seeing how a different life might have been....? Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50275472812346162592015-12-22T11:14:05.179-05:002015-12-22T11:14:05.179-05:00Mashka, I just read your blog and totally understa...Mashka, I just read your blog and totally understand your point of view. Indeed you are much better off than you would have been with your bio mom and I feel really sorry for your sisters. Your bio mom is obviously a mentally ill abusive stalker. Nobody needs that, and no, you do not owe her anything. I am glad you came out of it all ok and like who you are, that is what matters. And no, I do not take offense at you or any adoptee not wanting a relationship with bio family. I would not want one either given your mother's attitude and destructiveness.She is not me, no reason for me to be upset that you do not want to know her. <br />maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9751443328020423492015-12-22T09:55:56.612-05:002015-12-22T09:55:56.612-05:00I was referring to you saying "always" n...I was referring to you saying "always" not all. <br /><br />"But adoptees ALWAYS feel that whatever life they've had is the life that is meant to be..."Robinhttp://www.allinthefamilyadoption.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65860049779510077492015-12-22T09:44:43.795-05:002015-12-22T09:44:43.795-05:00Hey Robin--I said..."a lot of mothers hear......Hey Robin--I said..."a lot of mothers hear..." not ALL. I agree with all you say. Or "like" as facebook would have us do.<br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13798987855347070352015-12-22T08:09:03.733-05:002015-12-22T08:09:03.733-05:00I left my earlier comment because I felt Lorraine ...I left my earlier comment because I felt Lorraine was making a generalization that did not apply to myself, and probably didn't apply to many other adoptees as well. I never felt that it was "meant to be" or "God's plan" that I be raised in a family I wasn't blood related to. And I don't agree with those celebrity adoptive parents who say some children are placed in the wrong tummy and find their way to where they're 'supposed' to be through adoption. I think I was born to the right woman and was supposed to be a member of my biological families on both the maternal and paternal side. What happened to me was part of society's plan based on being born during what is now referred to as the baby scoop era or the era of mass surrender; a time period when a number of not very well substantiated beliefs, that were then shackled to old prejudices about 'illegitimate' children, had taken hold. Beliefs such as that children always do better in a two-parent family, that blood doesn't matter, that children are blank slates, etc. So much of what we, the survivors of these beliefs, are trying to do at these blogs is to stand up and say all of this wasn't true; look at the fallout for many (although not all) of us.Robinhttp://www.allinthefamilyadoption.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72859200606808108262015-12-21T20:04:14.600-05:002015-12-21T20:04:14.600-05:00Lorraine's right! "But Anon, a lot of fir...Lorraine's right! "But Anon, a lot of first mothers hear that, and so..." Yes we do hear that. I feel that the, "meant to be", "Gods plan" is so often becomes a survival or coping mechanism for adoptees / mothers and fathers / others who are trying to make sense of what is violent and excruciatingly painful. Trouble is, it so often wasn't "meant to be". Those lines are so often used by abusers, tyrannizing tyrants, bullies and control freaks, and people who want what they want regardless, to shut their victims up. i.e. let's call it 'gods plan' and we can get away with anything (like taking other peoples children for adoption). If we can justttt convince them / say it often enough our victims will believe it too. If someone likes SO MUCH to use the "it's gods plan" cheap excuse, then they need to look at their own circumstances FIRST and say the same and just accept THEIR situation.just call me oscar(ette)noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80622313947124144172015-12-21T18:08:27.054-05:002015-12-21T18:08:27.054-05:00I don't buy the whole "God's plan&quo...I don't buy the whole "God's plan" business, but I'm not overly religious. But as an adoptee, I do subscribe to the idea that the life I have is the life I was meant to have. I fully understand how that can drive first mothers up the wall, but given my own situation with my own birth mother...I AM content with having been adopted. When you've got "two" families and "two" sets of parents, it gives some adoptees a kind of cognitive dissonance and confusion. It's like the actual act of surrender and adoption was the nexus of a parallel universe. I went this way, but with a different choice from those involved, I could have gone a different way. And been a totally different person with completely different experiences. I like who I am, I'm lucky enough to be satisfied and content with who I am and where I've been. I may have a different experience and outlook than other adoptees because I was not a direct adoption. The fact that my parents adopted me didn't mean my birth mother didn't get a chance to raise me. I was put in foster care at birth and she signed the termination papers before they had adoptive parents lined up. So for me, the two paths would have been foster care or adoption.Mashkahttp://adoptedmashka.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14924438821380266062015-12-21T15:58:27.010-05:002015-12-21T15:58:27.010-05:00"Life that was meant to be" as a belief ..."Life that was meant to be" as a belief has less to do with being adopted and more to do with a general world view that believes in predestination,karma, supernatural intervention in human lives, fundamentalist religion or New Age mysticism. There is also a bit of "best of all possible worlds" naivete involved. I do not think any of those beliefs are unique to adoptees or birthmothers. It is prudent to avoid "always" or "never" statements about any group.<br /><br />My son subscribes to none of that, nor do I, so no "God's plan" for either of us, more like "shit happens." But if he had such beliefs, it would not drive me nuts, I would just have to work around it and agree to disagree. There are no guarantees that our kids will share our religious, political, or philosophical opinions, but most of us still want a loving relationship anyhow, which means compromise and respect for another point of view even when it is one we do not like.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11825268350947198192015-12-21T15:34:11.206-05:002015-12-21T15:34:11.206-05:00But Anon, a lot of first mothers hear that, and so...But Anon, a lot of first mothers hear that, and so...I'm happy that I never heard it from my daughter. She took a different view. It was here life but not because it was "supposed to be" or that it was "God's plan," which does drive most first mothers nuts. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15802446969418364662015-12-21T14:45:37.952-05:002015-12-21T14:45:37.952-05:00"No, we don't." True.
But first mot..."No, we don't." True.<br /><br />But first mothers always say stuff like "adopees always feel that whatever life they've had is the life that is meant to be..."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28820777161562471802015-12-20T22:22:43.644-05:002015-12-20T22:22:43.644-05:00Interesting, Yan, because I have to say I am const...Interesting, Yan, because I have to say I am constantly inundated by adopted people, and non-adopted, that "blood" doesn't make you family - but your statement "the privilege of growing up knowing your roots and denying that there is any benefit inherent in that" - leads me to believe that my first thought is correct - BLOOD IS FAMILY FIRST - not second, not easily dismissed. <br /><br />I agree, the idea that we don't have power - this is one that gives us something at least.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81555276296236401312015-12-20T18:15:38.976-05:002015-12-20T18:15:38.976-05:00"Like" under Yan's comment. "Like" under Yan's comment. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91464144844163724242015-12-20T18:14:14.146-05:002015-12-20T18:14:14.146-05:00It's a video under three minutes. Just as we a...It's a video under three minutes. Just as we are upset with we see jewelry ads that encourage adoption, this not so subtlety encourages reunion. And you know what? I doubt the APs wanted to be in this video. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88542458194186123362015-12-20T16:12:23.972-05:002015-12-20T16:12:23.972-05:00The adoptee is an adult. Why would his APs tag al...The adoptee is an adult. Why would his APs tag along? I don't think Old and New is that different from many others' feelings on adopters: she wants to see them approve.Sunnyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13795973322596893070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11398885829814875342015-12-20T14:28:33.703-05:002015-12-20T14:28:33.703-05:00Perhaps it's that I can identify and relate. ...Perhaps it's that I can identify and relate. My two sons' aparents were kind and generous to them. The afather in particular really was a great role model, and is responsible for the two happy, good men they are today. I can't take any credit for that, although I deserve credit for placing them for adoption to remove them from danger. I owe the aparents much, more than I can express. <br /><br />The reality is that the aparents are 1/3 of the adoption triad that is always discussed - this cannot be ignored. <br /><br />In this instance, the bmother placed her child for adoption at 2 years old. The first 2 years of his story belongs to her. The story of all the following years belong to his aparents, since they raised him. This is a fact and cannot be changed. <br /><br />When I had my first face-to-face visit with my youngest son, he showed me a scrapbook of his childhood - birthday cards, high school graduation photo, etc., etc. and explained that "his mother and father" took them here on vacation, did this & that, etc. It was a jarring experience for me, but it's a fact, there's no way to get around it.<br /><br />In this video the bmother states that she is grateful that things turned out well for her son, and to see him again. Since he was 2 when she placed him for adoption, obviously the situation was serious - and although conflicted, she tried to do right by her son. <br /><br />The son states that he's not sure how you can love someone you don't know. It accurately states the joy/sadness dynamics of a reunion of this type, and is also a fact. As for the conversation about their situation, they have made much more progress than my son and I have. But this video makes me happy and gives me further hope. <br /><br />I still think it would have been nice to see the aparents interviewed, if possible. Maybe they didn't want to participate. We have no way of knowing. No need to cry a river for them, however. They did good - and this reunion is a good thing.new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20997774324008605792015-12-20T12:35:01.214-05:002015-12-20T12:35:01.214-05:00This is a very heart-warming video, and my hope is...This is a very heart-warming video, and my hope is that all the people outside of the 'mother-son' relationship will allow them to build a relationship. This doesn't take away from the family who 'Got' to raise him. The joy of raising him belongs to the aparents, that should be 'their' joy. The arguments about him basically being 'disloyal' to his ap's shouldn't even be a factor in this, because every Adoptee has 'First Parents'. The second parents or aparents received the opportunity to parent because of some type of hardship that befell the 'First Parent or Parents'. The video does speak volumes about how 'Adoption' gave this person better opportunities, and that is the narrative that is being sold to First Parents. This was suppose to be my son's narrative, not that my son's AP's were homeless when he was 7 and that he didn't have opportunities, let alone not getting to go to college. So that bubble was burst in my life and his life. But one of the first comments to me by my son's amom was that I made the 'right decision' because she said it took both parents to raise a child with ADHD. So this is their justification on why my child was better off being raised by them. Lorraine you are correct about this being a convoluted system. All Adoptees (sorry for the labels) deserve to have love from both sets of parents, without feeling torn between the two. If you truly want what is best for them don't put them in a situation where they have to choose. Both First parents and AP's are important in that person's life. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01908086395357601866noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17861278699410639002015-12-20T12:30:56.170-05:002015-12-20T12:30:56.170-05:00" But adoptees always feel that whatever life..." But adoptees always feel that whatever life they've had is the life that is meant to be,..."<br /><br />No, we don't.Robinhttp://www.allinthefamilyadoption.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7206546995230625702015-12-20T10:45:59.851-05:002015-12-20T10:45:59.851-05:00Mirah,it's part of an entire series of Kohl...Mirah,it's part of an entire series of Kohl's "all together now" ads featuring diversity in family types. Another ad shows a gay couple arriving for Christmas dinner with a large gathering of family, young and old. Jessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61763956094233220962015-12-20T10:40:14.659-05:002015-12-20T10:40:14.659-05:00Right on. Let people say what they want to say, st...Right on. Let people say what they want to say, stay out of it, and don't presume your story or your way of looking at the world is theirs. Jessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46812614104126996872015-12-20T07:55:51.323-05:002015-12-20T07:55:51.323-05:00Having experienced the post reunion backlash with ...Having experienced the post reunion backlash with my Adoptive Parents, I agree totally with Theodore. Some, not all, adoptive parents want to remain in a bubble and continue to pretend that their children do not have other parents. Lori, you are right on. Again, just from my experience- which is limited- outside of the cultural stigma of single motherhood in the late 60's, I would have had similar opportunities regarding education and college,<br /> as my first parents were/are professionals in medical fields.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15278803960940624760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47750416716244682372015-12-20T07:26:36.915-05:002015-12-20T07:26:36.915-05:00Who cares if they are angry. As usual, it is all a...Who cares if they are angry. As usual, it is all about them, or so they think. The reality of the situation is that is not all about them and they can't stand it. Most of the child's "story" belongs to them? BELONGS, as if owns, you mean. The child's "story" starts with his mother and without her they would have none of this child's life or story. Cry me a river, please. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com