tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post8787701966796702920..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Putting the birth family first in adoptionLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7433193301919092972010-04-04T23:13:59.276-04:002010-04-04T23:13:59.276-04:00Dear Anon:
If you send me your address here, I wi...Dear Anon: <br />If you send me your address here, I will answer you and it will not be posted. <br /><br />God, that is so painful what you describe. Can you talk to the parents? <br /><br />my heart hurts for you<br />lorraineLorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22857253147788538382010-04-04T04:24:52.080-04:002010-04-04T04:24:52.080-04:00Please HELP. I am living in the same neighborhood ...Please HELP. I am living in the same neighborhood as the infant twins I placed for adoption in December 2008. I have no communication with the babies/adoptive family. No pictures, nothing. I am a stones throw away from them and losing my mind. When I leave my home I see them in stroller on walks with adoptive mom. I do not feel this is normal and is killing me. I lived in my neighborhood 2 years before they did. I cannot move. This is my 15 y/o son's stability. We have gone thru enough because of the adoption. WHY WON'T THESE PEOPLE MOVE????? I have given them their world. Two beautiful healthy children, boy/girl. Please give me advice. This is too hard for me at this point!!I feel if I have to live in the neighborhood with them I want to be their mother.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30848531374398710582010-02-26T13:50:29.331-05:002010-02-26T13:50:29.331-05:00Maura,
I have no personal knowledge of the Milton...Maura,<br /><br />I have no personal knowledge of the Milton Hershey Home but was basing my comments on this article by a guy who grew up there with Stack quoted on O Solo Mama's blog<br /><br />http://osolomama.wordpress.com/<br /><br />No doubt different people have different recollections of their experiences there.<br /><br />I do not think all orphanages are bad or abusive, but the way they are set up the potential for abuse is always there. That's all.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63314769965931327822010-02-26T12:38:21.102-05:002010-02-26T12:38:21.102-05:00MaryAnne, if I may pick a nit. The Milton Hershey ...MaryAnne, if I may pick a nit. The Milton Hershey home is one of the better orphanages you can find. It has more problems than it used to, but it's not really connected to the administration. Hershey's will was very clear about how it was to be run. <br /><br />They are strict, and all the kids have to work on the farm that's connected to the home. And I know some men who grew up there and didn't love it. But I think that has more to do with confusion and hurt over being sent away by their mothers after losing their fathers.<br /><br />I just wanted to clear that up.Maurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17301288188119355801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66050326678775030422010-02-25T23:43:37.269-05:002010-02-25T23:43:37.269-05:00Eliza, I'm glad to have been of help. I thin...Eliza, I'm glad to have been of help. I think the CI may well be an impediment, no matter how capable she is. The birthmother may be very angry that a stranger knows her secret and is intruding into her life. Let me suggest the two of you try some other search avenues. If you or your husband join the American Adoption Congress (www.americanadoption congress.org) you can find information about free internet search sites and local search support groups in your area. The AAC is having a conference in March in Sacramento. I'd really encourage you and your husband to go to it if you havent' been involved in adoptee groups.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37263586403015257212010-02-25T22:21:34.192-05:002010-02-25T22:21:34.192-05:00Thank you Jane. Thank you so much. You are so hon...Thank you Jane. Thank you so much. You are so honest and I think I can understand a little better. All I could think was she heard the letter and didn't like the sound of him. (And he's amazing so I couldn't grasp that thought). From what we know about her, in some ways she was a bit like you. She was 26 and a surgical nurse in a hospital. Birth father was a surgeon. He was married, she wasn't. He had a two year old child. He ended up divorced but still doesn't want his family to know. I have to admit that until yesterday, I never thought about her viewpoint. I just thought all birth moms sat around waiting for the wonderful day that their child came looking. Stupid. The CI said that the mom sounded extremely "anxious" throughout the call. She actually had her husband call and do most of the talking. And she told the CI she was "angry" when she first got the letter. That infuriated me, but now I have a little glimpse into why that would be. I do think that the CI is an impediment just because it's easy to say no under that system. I intend to pursue it if the CI is unsuccessful. But I have no idea how. I've found a search agency that is no find/no fee but the fee is 3500. Sigh. I have enough information that I should be able to find at least him but no luck yet. Thank you again. The internet is so strange. I just really needed to read that. I'm not happy, but I'm calmer. I feel bad for her, but I wish I could show him to her. He is so accepting and kind and basically incredible-even from an unbiased perspective. I just feel like it would change her mind. :(Elizanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90623411640725222642010-02-25T20:42:42.687-05:002010-02-25T20:42:42.687-05:00Thank you for the links to the posts, Jane. They ...Thank you for the links to the posts, Jane. They were helpful in giving me a little insight.Campbellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-76798912166452829252010-02-25T18:49:46.219-05:002010-02-25T18:49:46.219-05:00Orphanages are very uneven and when they are bad t...Orphanages are very uneven and when they are bad they are terrible. Stack grew up in the Milton Hershey orphanage, and there have been horrible pedophile and abuse scandals about the Christian Brothers orphanages and schools in Ireland and Canada, and about the boarding schools where First Nation and Native American kids were forcibly sent. Ditto for institutions in Australia for aborigines and kids deported from the UK. <br /><br />No doubt there are some that are decent, but institutional settings for children have a huge potential for abuse that has been sadly realized all too often. No, adoption is not the answer either for most of these kids, but let's not get too sanguine about orphanage life just because some contact with relatives is kept.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50721705390192968712010-02-25T14:52:09.415-05:002010-02-25T14:52:09.415-05:00kitta here:
to Eliza, there was a judge in my sta...kitta here:<br /><br />to Eliza, there was a judge in my state who threatened the mothers in his court with prison if they ever searched/re-united with their children. He made it clear that they were to have no contact with their surrendered sons and daughters, ever.<br /><br />That judge is dead, but the confidential intermediaries have said that a number of 'found" mothers have refused their children, stating the judge's threats as their reasons.<br /><br />Don't know if this is the case with your husband's mother, but it could be. Some mothers were told things like this.<br /><br />Also, the extra-marital affair might figure into the reason, also.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90319276476701182202010-02-25T14:31:34.574-05:002010-02-25T14:31:34.574-05:00Eliza,
Here's a couple of posts on FMF I wrot...Eliza,<br /><br />Here's a couple of posts on FMF I wrote about the difficulty I had in responding to my daughter when I learned she may have been searching for me. These may help your husband understand where his mother is coming from. Let us know if this is helpful to you and your husband.<br /><br />http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2009/07/rejecting-mother-afraid-of-my-child.html<br /><br />http://www.firstmotherforum.com/search?q=reluctant+birthmotherJane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81484302729665268012010-02-25T13:25:15.467-05:002010-02-25T13:25:15.467-05:00Can you direct me to a resource for understanding ...Can you direct me to a resource for understanding reluctant birth mothers? I've seen a few posts on here but am wondering if there is another resource I should read? My husband has been trying to find his birth mother. The intermediary spoke to her yesterday after she finally called three weeks after getting the letter. She listened to his letter read to her over the phone and said she'd "think about it". It's just very, very difficult to understand that reluctance. But I'd like to understand it rather than be angry at her. The latter isn't very helpful to my husband. Any help would be appreciated. Oh and the intermediary is good. I don't think she's a bad one. Birth mother was 26 and a professional. She's now in her 70's. Baby was born in the late 60's. It just seems like all the stories you read are joyous stories of reunion. The birth father already rejected outright. This was an extra marital affair. Thank you for any help.Elizanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-863783693490922212010-02-25T10:29:35.091-05:002010-02-25T10:29:35.091-05:00I have two words in response to Kitta's commen...I have two words in response to Kitta's comment.<br />Joe Stack.Hello Kittyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15653146239572987957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-76239640090647052892010-02-24T14:21:22.713-05:002010-02-24T14:21:22.713-05:00Kitta here:
My eyes were opened to the reality of...Kitta here:<br /><br />My eyes were opened to the reality of orphanages when I began legislative work in records access. I met a number of older Americans who had grown up in orphanages in the USA.<br /><br />These people told me that being an 'orphan" wasn't so bad. They were able to see their parents on weekends and even go with them on outings. If the parents' fortunes changed, the children were able to go home permanently.<br /><br />If not, when the children aged out, they still had their family. they could find their family because they had never lost them.<br /><br />I suspect orphanage care lost support because of the 'blank slate theory" and the demands of paps to adopt. Obviously, orphanages were not a lucrative business...and adoption made more money.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26271183897275115322010-02-24T11:02:44.657-05:002010-02-24T11:02:44.657-05:00Jane,
I liked the rest, but the paragraph you add...Jane,<br /><br />I liked the rest, but the paragraph you added today, well, it is the same old crap in a different kind of wrapper. At least as far as I can tell.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41498882120822637702010-02-23T19:07:02.796-05:002010-02-23T19:07:02.796-05:00Anon,
Here's a paragraph from Rex's emai...Anon, <br /><br />Here's a paragraph from Rex's email which I didn't include which addresses the question of helping 3rd world parents keep their kids. <br /><br />"Sorry Jane if I sound a little preachy. I feel very strongly about this. OSSO’s job is not to try and solve the world’s problems that lead to children in orphanages, although that is an important job. Our job is not to reform the international adoption world. Our job is to do our very best to provide a good loving supportive environment for children who find themselves without parental support until we or someone can find them a loving family."Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82784903460146691262010-02-23T17:18:37.838-05:002010-02-23T17:18:37.838-05:00Dear Anon:
We've covered this subject extensi...Dear Anon: <br />We've covered this subject extensively in the past and said just what you have. This seemed to be an alternative to the all too frequent grab-and-go concept of adoption we have written about.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17099112343098667602010-02-23T12:53:41.439-05:002010-02-23T12:53:41.439-05:00Most children in orphanages aren't really orph...Most children in orphanages aren't really orphans and have at least one living parent who visits them regularly. They are in the orphanage because their parents are poor and cannot feed them. <br /><br />Why not help 3rd world parents keep their children? <br /><br />Adoption is human trafficking, whether it is domestic or international adoption. Billions of dollars are exchanged yearly for the innocent lives of children, who without their permission are permanently separated from their parents.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7591649997664526102010-02-23T12:23:46.827-05:002010-02-23T12:23:46.827-05:00Jane, I am quite frankly, surprised to read this!...Jane, I am quite frankly, surprised to read this! <br /><br />It certainly sounds as if they are doing their best to put the needs of the child first.Carolchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12983135296851385826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39907530883494336002010-02-23T10:05:35.543-05:002010-02-23T10:05:35.543-05:00Sounds like a great program. It's so refreshin...Sounds like a great program. It's so refreshing to hear him talk about the needs of the child and the family coming first with adoption seen only as a last resort.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.com