tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post935806558491738451..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Contacting your (adopted-out) adult child when they have gone awayLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60748972848761849102021-05-10T15:04:00.763-04:002021-05-10T15:04:00.763-04:00This week-end is always hard on me. I know it is m...This week-end is always hard on me. I know it is my Karma and I accept it. I am one of the lucky bio-mothers who knows where my children are. I could not imagine never knowing how they are!! But I do not really KNOW my daughters even if we have spent physical time together. Sadly they only know a version of me on social media and during those precious minutes I have had with them. I think THAT is the hardest part them not having any emotional connection with me. Feeling like an intruder, not ever knowing what to say to them, if anything unless I am around them because then it is like 3 Kelli's at once and natural. <br />I am thankful to have those times. I am sooooo proud of what they are doing in life. But it is bittersweet and I know I deserve the pain as an on looker. <br />2 of my daughters were not adopted out at birth. I was a practicing addict who in the end had no other choice because I couldn't stay sober, couldn't stay out of the courts and prison. When I finally did get completely out of the penal system my mom was dying. I had no one to try to help keep them. I knew they deserved more. So I taught them their first words, to walk, to sing and heard their first laughs, bought their first clothes, had them baptized Catholic. <br />I also have another child by the same man (all 3 same dad except my oldest, I have 4 kids) that was given up at birth. I have no contact with that child except their mother called me once last year, they both were on the line, telling me they now identify as male and gave me his new name. He never spoke. All I could think to say is I always wanted a son! Please always know I love you no matter who you are! So yeah, that is my truth about what I go through on a daily basis. <br />When I saw them again for the first time it was like a dream come true and a nightmare KNOWING the depth of what and WHO, as a human, I am missing out on every day, every minute and every second of THEM!!<br />It is ironic in my life that my first husband was adopted, my second relationship has an adopted sibling and my current husband has a a fully bio older sister. Now me. I have seen every possible adoption situation in my life. Some birth mothers are so ashamed they never tell their current families. Then when their child tries to find them as an adult they decline contact through adoption people because they have lied so long I suppose. Heart breaking!! <br />I pray to some day really know my daughters. But mostly I pray about abandonment issues and heredity addiction genes don't EVER do to them what I let mine do to me.<br />Life is one choice after another. I am still paying for mine. When I lost my dad almost 4 years ago I thought drinking beer was ok. Instead of knowing I should NOT. It became daily after Covid hit and I was let go from a job I really liked, but a horrible boss. <br />I put on a pair of my mom's pink socks that day to roller skate after about 6 or 7 beers. I believe SHE and God spiritually intervened bc breaking my ankle made me realize I CAN'T even drink beer. Then surgery and pain meds. Thank God I am off them ( bc I KNOW me) and have 6 weeks alcohol free. <br />I also believe telling MY current truth is my responsibility as a birth mom to myself and my children. I will make this post public so if my son ever wants to find me he can. <br />...I want them ALL to know I will forever regret not raising them. I am still battling forgiving myself. I gave up my posse, my tribe. <br />Kelli Greeno Deanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17666188215875703827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60341774427540619792015-08-18T10:10:13.541-04:002015-08-18T10:10:13.541-04:00Please see the current post. About contact. Go for...Please see the current post. About contact. Go for direct contact, it is the only way you are going to be able to control how contact is made and what is said. And since you never got any responses before, this is not likely to be any different. <br /><br />This is an old post and you are not likely to get responses here. See the current post:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2015/08/contacting-ones-child-after-photos-stop.html" rel="nofollow">Contacting one's child after the photos stop</a><br /><br />DeleteLorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47775721118981507632015-08-18T09:02:24.520-04:002015-08-18T09:02:24.520-04:00Lorraine, 30 years ago I made an adoption plan for...Lorraine, 30 years ago I made an adoption plan for my son. He was adopted by a high-profile couple and because of that I was able to watch my son grow from a distance. Though I knew where he was and who his parents were, I never interfered; I loved him and respected his parents too much. <br /><br />After conducting an internet search this month, I found him: including his company's website, email, and phone number. <br /><br />Over the decades I've stayed in touch with the attorney who managed my adoption; sending letters, pictures, updates and even a copy of the first fictional novel I wrote, but I never heard back, from my attorney or from my son - nothing. I worked very hard to become the woman I am today; professional, respected, loved - not only for my 1st son but for my other children, too. I've achieved a lot during the past 30 years, strived to be more than just that scared and abused 18 year old girl who had to make an adoption plan.<br /><br />I'm uncertain of contacting him directly. I vowed to never interfere, to disrupt his life, but I found him and a part of me wants to reach out, to let him know that not a day goes by without thinking of him. He was very blessed in his adoption, and though he was more than adequately provided for, he has found success on his own. It's been hard seeing him in magazines and on TV, and not reach out, but now he's an adult. Should I contact another attorney and or just accept the reality that I made an adoption plan, therefore, this is my fate?<br /><br />I've never contacted a forum like this before, mainly because my sons adoption was so high-profile that I couldn't discuss it with others, but now I am. Thank you for this platform.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13516997591567403992014-01-21T20:15:43.153-05:002014-01-21T20:15:43.153-05:00Susan: In your case, I would send her a birthday g...Susan: In your case, I would send her a birthday greeting, but prepare yourself for no response. But whether you want to send a birthday greeting is now totally up to you. I have done it both ways when my daughter was not speaking to me. Once it worked out well; another time I think it was better that I did not. <br /><br />If a child who was adopted (or kept) wants no contact with a parent there is nothing to do but move on. As a friend, also a first mother, once said to me, Honey, we lost them when we gave them up. <br /><br />We may get them back to some degree after reunion, and for some of us this is a blessing beyond compare, but just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to have a relationship. As someone said at an earlier blog about contact, The people who want to be in your life will be; you don't have to go chasing after them. <br /><br />So true. I know how much this kind of behavior hurts--huts to the bone. I can't help but think sometimes our children want us to understand what it felt like to be given up. It might have happened when they could not object, but now, as adults, they can.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13533459059980116142014-01-21T17:40:41.007-05:002014-01-21T17:40:41.007-05:00Susan: This is an old post, not active; please rep...Susan: This is an old post, not active; please repost at the current blog, you may get more answers than I can give, particularly right this minute. <br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74451914491348968942014-01-21T16:38:44.775-05:002014-01-21T16:38:44.775-05:00My heart breaks for other mothers who have found t...My heart breaks for other mothers who have found their children, only to "lose" them again on the slippery reunion slope. After my daughter found me after 40 years, we were able to meet for a brief time as she was passing through town. Reunion went well, but two months have passed, and I have not heard from her since then (no call, letter, text, or email). I sent her a text on Christmas Day that said "Merry Christmas", which was not acknowledged. Does this indicate that she wants nothing to do with me? She mentioned when we met that she doesn't want her a-parents to know anything about her finding me. (More silence and secrecy....that's what first mothers from the 1970s are used to.) My question to you is: does it seem that my found adult child wants nothing to do with me (after two months of excruciating silence)? Should I try to contact her or just keep waiting?Susannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20837643301825892992013-11-12T13:24:44.905-05:002013-11-12T13:24:44.905-05:00@Lisa
Days late here
You ever been in a relations...@Lisa<br /><br />Days late here<br />You ever been in a relationship and afterward sent a "get well" or "thinking of you" card and not hoped for a response unless the person was nearly dead? You are clueless about how mothers and adoptees feel when the door is slammed in their face. We can also tell the wind that we hope it is well. That would be more satisfying than what you suggest.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34325475378073105192013-11-07T14:15:39.753-05:002013-11-07T14:15:39.753-05:00Jane Edwards said:
I'm wondering if the adopti...Jane Edwards said:<br /><i>I'm wondering if the adoption agency had a connection with a particular religion.</i><br /><br />Actually, it was through the Los Angeles County Dept. of Children's Welfare - or whatever it was called. I am a Lutheran, and the adoptive parents are Episcopalian. Don't know too much about that religion personally.<br /><br />Anonymous @ 11/4 7:45pm said:<br /><i>Lee, perhaps your daughter never actually received your letters and it was the A-mother writing to you pretending to be your daughter. Just a thought.</i><br /><br />Well, actually, you are not the only one that has said this; SO!! I have a friend on a "Missing Persons" forum and who is a handwriting expert look at both the letters, and the handwriting on the envelopes I received. Yep! Two different people wrote each letter. And my daughter "sounds" just like me - in personality wise!!Leenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39130860365924411682013-11-07T10:10:03.312-05:002013-11-07T10:10:03.312-05:00Just saying…there are two sides to every story and...Just saying…there are two sides to every story and every situation is different. <br /><br />After my bio mother broke off all contact, calling me names and projecting her qualities onto me, I began to put the pieces of my life back together. After all, I was the one to reach out. Answers I wanted and boy, howdy, did I get them. I realized any relationship with her would always be one sided and bring me nothing but grief. She was still 19 and unable and unwilling to put effort into anything (except men), even her egg donor son conceived at the age of 48, aka, "the imposter".<br /><br />Sadly, things were not better for me with my bio father, aka, sperm donor. His wife wanted to control all aspects of our relationship. She was to be called "stepmother". Not a good fit for me. <br />I offered that he fly in and that we see my therapist as a last ditch effort at negotiating some sort of relationship. He stuck me with the $900 bill, did not hear a thing either of us said. Within 2 weeks he and his wife sent nasty letter after letter recasting all that was said in therapy telling me that they were my "parents" and that I had to step in line. I called him, said goodbye, thank you, and wished him well in a very kind way. Then the letters continued at a rapid pace. They were all written by the "step mother", who was 2 years older than my husband, and signed by him. They said the same things over and over so I started sending them back "return to sender, unopened". He still didn't get the message. I felt stalked and eventually my husband called him after he made a surprise visit to my city--9 hours away from his hometown. Scary. <br /><br />For my birthday in a previous year he had given me ceramic Chinese Foo dogs that he owned. All his gifts were All About Him. I put them in the basement.<br /><br />This past year I received a card from my bio mother. I cried and thought to myself "this is the best she can do." After pulling myself together, I grabbed the foo dogs, took them out to the front yard, put her card into one of the mouths, and kicked them to the curb, literally and figuratively.<br /><br />They were gone within minutes--I guess they were adopted!<br /><br />My preference on my birthday is no contact. I don't need a generic card that says nothing and makes no effort. To me this is a selfish attempt for bio mother to appease her own guilt at my expense. <br /><br />Newsflash--if you want to have a relationship with me, you can. It's yours to earn. Call me up, fly into town and talk with me. Repair things, or another attempt would be to actually apologize for once that you did not take responsibility in your life and that that choice had an impact on me. <br /><br /> Sending a card as a passive aggressive attempt at making me do all the work, once again, will not be a successful. I have done and continue to do my work. It's time for the bios to work on themselves. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10119868771458247022013-11-06T01:17:58.104-05:002013-11-06T01:17:58.104-05:00Jane’s point is key:
“How do you find one with the...Jane’s point is key:<br />“How do you find one with the right message when you're not even sure what your message is?” Best not to rely on a poem on a card for the message. <br /><br />What IS the message? As your thoughts spiral into ‘what they will think’, ‘will they respond’, etc., your message may already be lost… <br /><br />So simplify. Be genuine, be clear, concise, and be kind. Your card won’t require a response or acknowledgement, because your message is simply a gesture- an expression of how you feel about someone, and an opportunity to honor that person by sharing your good wishes. It has integrity, and needs no justification.<br />Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13583617435164565862013-11-04T19:45:13.897-05:002013-11-04T19:45:13.897-05:00Lee, perhaps your daughter never actually received...Lee, perhaps your daughter never actually received your letters and it was the A-mother writing to you pretending to be your daughter. Just a thought.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85308134214257629122013-11-04T18:20:12.533-05:002013-11-04T18:20:12.533-05:00Lee, So even though your daughter is old enough to...Lee, So even though your daughter is old enough to be married, her adoptive mother still decides when she should get mail. The adoptive parents have really done a number on her.<br /><br />Please try to keep in mind, it's not about you. You did not do anything wrong. <br /><br />I'm wondering if the adoption agency had a connection with a particular religion.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42476500007485995012013-11-04T18:17:31.050-05:002013-11-04T18:17:31.050-05:00@ Kate
I love your post, Miss Manners Guide to E...@ Kate<br /><br /> I love your post, Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Adoption Behavior. <br /><br />I agree courtesy is great, but sometimes our feelings about adoption get really gutter-dirty and raw. <br /><br />I've made some mistakes with my parents, maybe I showed my pain too much and too soon. I'm still their child though, and they wouldn't turn their backs so fast on the ones they raised. <br /><br />But I'm disposable. Always was and always will be. They've learned how to live without me long ago.adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90105066518512499632013-11-04T18:00:07.061-05:002013-11-04T18:00:07.061-05:00Do not get me started on "God's plan.&quo...Do not get me started on "God's plan." What a bastard she is if giving up a child was Her Plan. <br /><br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24595017391409769092013-11-04T17:43:44.559-05:002013-11-04T17:43:44.559-05:00Lorraine said: Respectfully snipped!
I made my mis...Lorraine said: Respectfully snipped!<br /><i>I made my mistake when I gave my daughter up.</i><br /><br />Me too, Lorraine. Me too...<br /><br />Jane Edwards said: (my bold!)<br /><i>Lee, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry to read your daughter's letter. <b>To me she seems in denial or completely brainwashed. What she wrote seems straight out of a religious-based adoption agency's playbook.</b> If things were so wonderful in her life, she'd have no problem having a relationship--at least letters-- with you. <br /><br />I cringe any time I hear an adoptee talk about God's plan. It would be a capricious god, not a loving Christian god, who would make one woman bear the burden of infertility and another bear the burden of bearing and losing a child for the first woman.</i><br /><br />I totally agree! I really don't know "how religious" she or her parents are, but it sounds like a brain-wash to me. Thank you for your post, thought it was just me! LOL!<br /><br />I had sent this 12-page letter to her amom (unfortunately) as I didn't my daughter's address. Her reply STILL to this day stinks!! She said:<br /><br /><i>As I said, I will forward your letter to M to follow-up on as she wishes. I will wait, however, until after Mother's Day and her birthday. Those two events are being celebrated with a new triad - M, I and her new mother-in law. It's a very special time for her, and I don't want anything to detract from the happiness and joy she is experiencing.</i><br /><br />I SO wanted to tell her - this TRIAD can NOT change to a "mother-in-law".... God that pizzed me off...Leenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35518369850597443742013-11-04T17:29:10.731-05:002013-11-04T17:29:10.731-05:00Lorriane and Jane – thank you for your sound minds...Lorriane and Jane – thank you for your sound minds and sage words on this perpetually frustrating and emotionally exhausting subject. Excellent comments from Kate Dahlquist, who knocked it out of the park! Common courtesy and respect from one human being to another would be novel, wouldn’t it? Adoption isn’t a get out of being considerate card – for any of the parties involved. Since it is such an emotionally charged situation, it calls for even MORE consideration. I don’t pretend to know what it feels like to be adopted, because I wasn’t. However, I was abandoned by my father at 7 and lost my mother (she died) at 15. I DO know what it feels like to struggle with abandonment and loss, but I NEVER made anyone pay for it (except myself). I suffered, but endured while I was forced to become an adult much sooner than I should have. I didn’t use my unfortunate situation as a crutch to explain bad behavior or wallow in pity parties. And when I became pregnant at 19, I did what I thought was best for everyone (whether it was or not) given the information/resources I had. I chose to have my daughter and I selected an infertile couple (who it turns out made a ton of unfulfilled promises) to raise her. I believed they would love her and respect me. They did love her and for that I’m thankful, but that is where it ends. Unfortunately, my daughter cut me out of her life almost a year ago after a (initially) very successful reunion that slowly degraded, mostly thanks to her adoptive mother’s insecurity, jealously and unjustifiable paranoia. My daughter’s last words to me were “I ask that you please respect my wishes and do not contact me. If I ever feel ready to resume a relationship, I will reach out and let you know.” I feel like there is no way for birth parents to be worthy of the respect they deserve because they ‘gave up their rights’. If I reach out to her, she’ll condemn me for not obeying her request. If I don’t, I’m the piece of garbage her parents portray me to be. If there is ever to be reconciliation, our relationship will be on equal footing or not at all. Having experienced the alternative, I’m not willing to sacrifice my emotional well-being again. I have paid such an extreme emotional price for my sacrifice, my “righteous decision”. My well is tapped and my heart can’t endure it.Hilaryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08791925769270857058noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52642924128824269422013-11-04T15:30:58.884-05:002013-11-04T15:30:58.884-05:00This is a hard to read post, as are the comments. ...This is a hard to read post, as are the comments. It reinforces in me the constant desire I have to maintain a relationship with our daughter's other parents. I never, never want her to go through this, and I never want her other mom and dad to go through this either. <br /><br />I don't get adoptive parents who are jealous or disapproving or whatever negative feeling towards their child (especially an adult child) having a positive relationship with their first mom or dad. To me, it can only be a good thing if both parties are happy and want a relationship. How wonderful it is that your child can have a biological connection. How wonderful it is that your child's other parents can have a relationship with their son or daughter. Love only ever adds to our lives, and I cannot fathom being disapproving of more people loving your child. <br /><br />I have two daughters, and I am completely capable of loving them both, to the depths of my being. If I had 2 or 3 or 7 more, I would still find my heart growing to love them each with as much love as the first. To assume that our children are not capable of loving two moms or two dads is not only illogical, but it does them a great disservice. How are they to believe in our love for them when we place limitations on its capabilities? Such parents, adoptive or biological, should be ashamed of themselves if they try to enforce limitations on love (all assumptions being made here that it is a healthy relationship, which I think can be assumed to be the case 99% of the time). Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66973429818194486842013-11-04T14:38:35.549-05:002013-11-04T14:38:35.549-05:00Lee, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry to re...Lee, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry to read your daughter's letter. To me she seems in denial or completely brainwashed. What she wrote seems straight out of a religious-based adoption agency's playbook. If things were so wonderful in her life, she'd have no problem having a relationship--at least letters-- with you. <br /><br />I cringe any time I hear an adoptee talk about God's plan. It would be a capricious god, not a loving Christian god, who would make one woman bear the burden of infertility and another bear the burden of bearing and losing a child for the first woman.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44142012067427593882013-11-04T13:56:45.446-05:002013-11-04T13:56:45.446-05:00Cards can be tricky. How do you find one with the ...Cards can be tricky. How do you find one with the right message when you're not even sure what your message is? <br /><br />Betty Jean Lifton's first mother sent BJ a card that upset her. In her memoir, "Twice Born," BJ wrote: "She should have known there were no Hallmark cards for a relationship such as ours." After receiving the card, BJ ceased contact for ten years.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67972395299788492272013-11-04T12:53:22.026-05:002013-11-04T12:53:22.026-05:00This post captures the complexity of the adoptee -...This post captures the complexity of the adoptee - natural parent relationship so well. I also love how graciously you handle the comments, Lorraine. You keep it real, you welcome differences of opinion, and you do not hesitate to accept your own role, positive or negative, in the very personal stories you often post. It is one of the reasons why this blog fosters such lively discussion.<br /><br />And, Lorraine, you are a strong, strong, woman! Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-86037471243474344012013-11-04T11:04:46.004-05:002013-11-04T11:04:46.004-05:00I forgot to add how much I love your Blog page! T...I forgot to add how much I love your Blog page! The one today was great for my sister who found her daughter '91, had a relationship of sorts for about 2 years and then she cut it off. My sister tried friending her on facebook a few years ago, but heard nothing. Just a few weeks ago she responded. My sister who never had any other children found out that she's the grandmother of 4 but still not a lot of conversation going on. I wish I had never heard the word adoption. It's never-ending!Sandy Musserhttp://www.sandymusser.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36776819649511790572013-11-04T10:52:38.123-05:002013-11-04T10:52:38.123-05:00This Be The Verse
(with apologies to Phillip Lark...This Be The Verse <br />(with apologies to Phillip Larkin)<br /><br />They fuck you up, your mums and dads.<br />They may not mean to, but they do.<br />They fill you with the faults they had<br />And add some extra, just for you.<br /><br />But they were fucked up in their turn<br />By fools in old-style hats and coats,<br />Who half the time were soppy-stern<br />And half at one another's throats.<br /><br />Man hands on misery to man.<br />It deepens like a coastal shelf.<br />Get out as early as you can,<br />And don't have any kids yourself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50651568905193830612013-11-04T10:42:41.101-05:002013-11-04T10:42:41.101-05:00Expecting common courtesy from people, no matter w...Expecting common courtesy from people, no matter who they are is not something anyone should be asked to just forget about. We ARE talking about ADULTS - not children who can't express themselves. Neither party in reunion should be made to feel or act like a doormat because an adult can't be bothered to act like an adult.<br /><br />Pretending that adoption negates the idea that manners matter perpetuates problems by causing more questions and hurt between parties, IMO. It's not mentally or emotionally healthy for anyone involved. If a person doesn't wish to have contact or needs time, they should have the class and cajones to say so - not just leave the other party hanging. Especially when they know full well that the other party is emotionally invested. This behavior isn't ok with an acquaintance, a crappy boss, an annoying neighbor, etc. so why is is ok if the word adoption is involved? <br /><br />Does that mean everyone is mature and classy enough to be courteous? NO, of course not - but telling people not to EXPECT others to act with proper etiquette is different than helping people cope with those who do not. I don't believe in giving people a "free pass" for poor or hurtful behavior towards others. It perpetuates a nasty cycle. <br /><br />Yes, I do understand the anger, confusion, sadness, and internal feelings of "you didn't come back" can make it very hard to express feelings or deal with things, but healthy ADULTS in REUNION need to recognize that reunion IS "coming back" and work on the negative feelings from the past - not be encouraged to use them as an excuse for childish, vindictive, poor, or hurtful behavior. It's especially ugly if the person they are being rude to has also been victimized. What if Mom was raped and forced to surrender her child. Does that still mean she shouldn't expect to be treated with a shred of dignity? Victims re-victimizing other victims is just horrible all the way around.<br /><br />Yes, I agree that parents who lose a child to adoption alienation shouldn't *expect* "normal" parent-child relationships with their reunited adult children - but that doesn't mean they shouldn't *expect* some basic manners any more than adult adoptees shouldn't *expect* basic courtesy from them. NEITHER party should be rude to the other. PEOPLE shouldn't be rude. Period. <br /><br />I'm tired of adoption being allowed to make exceptions from basic human etiquette and common sense.Kate Dahlquistnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80794434564950014432013-11-04T10:27:03.996-05:002013-11-04T10:27:03.996-05:00Lee, your letter was heartbreaking to read last ni...Lee, your letter was heartbreaking to read last night when I posted it. It was similar to the letter I referred to in the post sent to another first mother. There really isn't anything you can do except take care of yourself, and accept your daughter's feelings--and stay away. <br /><br />One of my good friend's birthdays is tomorrow. Will she even hear from her daughter--who found her? Last year it was a late night email that said only Happy Birthday. My friend responded but heard nothing back. Yet oddly, this woman is in touch with an aunt and other members of her maternal biological family--I don't mean siblings, there are none. <br /><br />Yes adoption is the cause of behavior that is often unfathomable. But then, perhaps the pressure that made my friend give her daughter up for adoption is what is truly unfathomable. There is a horrible picture on my Facebook page from Peta, I believe , that is the human equivalent of what happens to cows whose calves are taken from them immediately after birth to be raised for veal. It is shocking and sickening to look at, but it reveals an awful reality about adoption.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10842216498094304192013-11-04T08:12:08.900-05:002013-11-04T08:12:08.900-05:00Point taken Lorraine. Conclusion: Adoption fucks k...Point taken Lorraine. Conclusion: Adoption fucks kids up. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com