Sunday, April 19, 2015

What about those babies in....any-poor-nation?

The previous post dealt with the prevailing attitude towards adopting in America today--that there must be a lot babies who need adopting--when they aren't. Continuing that theme of What About Children Who Need adopting, today's post talks about going overseas to adopt:

In the quest to rescue children from deplorable conditions in another country, the number of children adopted from South Korea ballooned to more than 100,000. The exodus of babies began after the Korean War with the mixed-race babies left behind by GIs, but the flow of children didn’t stop when most of those children were settled in America. Exporting children to America became a cash cow for the country, and only lately has this become a national embarrassment.

Today, Holt International Children’s Services, the same agency that facilitated a great many—if not most—of the Korean adoptions, now advertises a side business of guided trips back to Korea for adult adoptees, who may be in search of their parents. If they are lucky enough to find them, now a language and cultural barrier separates parent and child.

Friday, April 17, 2015

What about children who need adopting?

Lorraine at her desk 
While we have been discussing the great damage done by people like Catelynn and Tyler for their continuing advocacy of adoption as shills for Bethany Christian Services, I thought it might be useful to post an overview of adoption attitudes and practices in America. Surely some readers who find themselves here read our posts and say--What about all those children who need to be adopted? 

As I was writing Hole in My Heart, my upcoming memoir, I realized that some readers would have that very thought, and so I include a section under the rubric of "Facts and Commentary" to answer them. It will be posted over the next week in three sections. Part I is today below. 

As for Catelynn and Tyler, it appears that they will meet with the adoptive parents of their first child, Theresa and Brandon Davis, in a segment of Monday's show of "Teen Mom OG" (10 p.m. EST/9 CST). Of course it's edited, but it will be interesting to see the interaction of the four parents of daughter Carly. As for how deeply Catelynn is involved in pushing adoption, I just picked this up from Catelynn's Twitter feed online: Hi, I'm Catelynn from Teen Mom. My goal is 2 be an advocate 4 adoption. Contact us on website 4 speaking engagements & join our fan page!

Monday, April 13, 2015

Post your adoption experience on the Washington Post

Here's an opportunity to publish how you feel about adoption! Syndicated columnist Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post has asked first mothers to respond to a woman whose daughter is considering adoption for her unborn child. The mother wrote: 

"My 20-something daughter is single and pregnant. She is considering adopting the baby out. This is a decision she alone can make and we fully support whatever she decides. However, I know she looks to me for input and advice. Never having been in a place to make this decision, I don’t know what to say.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Mandated counseling for mothers-to-be

As I was reading Montana's new law allowing adoptees access to their original birth certificates,* I came across its law mandating counseling for mothers prior to relinquishing their parental rights. I was blown away!

For starters, the law mandates that mothers must have a minimum of three hours of counseling that includes information about keeping the baby, resources to help them keep their baby, options for continuing contact between the birth and adoptive families, and post-adoption grief and loss.

This is information that segments of the adoption industry don't want parents to know. For a close up view of what happens when adoption decisions are made without full information, just watch Catelynn Lowell

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Tyler Baltierra's adoption regrets

"This whole adoption thing was supposed to be a lot different in my opinion," said an angry Tyler Baltierra on MTV's Teen Mom OG (Original Girls) aired Tuesday night. He had just posted a video on of the daughter he and his girlfriend Catelynn Lowell relinquished for adoption five years earlier, named Carly. Catelynn cautioned Tyler that Carly's adoptive parents had warned them not to post pictures of Carly. "What happens if they get mad and say you're not going to see her any more?" she asked. Then, if she were talking to someone considering giving up a child, she added, "You have to make sure you pick the right people for you."

Tyler exploded: "That's a huge thing--if any pregnant woman is watching this, pick the right couple and make sure you go over everything."

Saturday, April 4, 2015

South Korean adoptee faces deportation

With few restrictions on who can adopt internationally, children from abroad may be subjected to abandonment, abuse and even death at the hands of their adoptive parents. No one knows this better than Adam Crapser who was not only excised from his "forever family" and abused in foster care, but now faces deportation.

Adam and his sister were adopted from South Korea by an Oregon family* in 1978 when he was three. The family did not apply for citizenship for Adam. The adoption disrupted when he was ten and the children were separated. Adam was placed in a series of foster and
group homes, ending up with Thomas and Dolly Crapser who abused him over the next four years. They also did not apply to make Adam a U.S. citizen. Eventually the Crapsers were convicted of abuse.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Boycott sealed record states!

Money talks when it comes to social change. That's a lesson for those of us pushing for legislation allowing adult adoptees to obtain their original birth certificate need to learn.

We can see this from the brouhaha over the Indiana and Arkansas "Religious Freedom Restoration" Acts.* Aside from Apple's gay CEO, Tim Cook, I suspect the major businesses threatening to boycott these states, NCCA, Walmart, Angie's List, etc. don't give a hoot about gay rights, but they know a public relations nightmare when they see one. Being perceived to be on the side of discrimination against gays who want to marry their loved ones doesn't fit their corporate image. And there are way more gays and their supporters than "Christians" who fear damnation from providing flowers to a same-sex wedding.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

What not to say to a natural mother

Excerpt from Hole in My Heart, soon to be released:

Adoption reform, like all causes that move with the speed of the tilt of the earth, can be grueling. To do the work means you keep revisiting the place of your greatest pain. I try to stay away from adoption as my life’s leitmotif. I might write the occasional letter to legislators—I did get so involved in New Hampshire when a bill allowing adoptees access to their original birth certificates passed that the chief sponsor, adoptive father Lou D’Allesandro, called within the hour to celebrate. 

Yet when new acquaintances asked what I’d written, or what I was working on, the words I-am-a-mother-who-gave-up-a-child rarely passed my lips,

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Selfless surrender of infant? Or a snow job?

"Woman Selflessly Gives Up Her New Born for Adoption for an Incredible reason" trumpets the San Francisco Globe. And what is this incredible reason that propelled Amber to make "one of the hardest decisions a mother could possible make"? The incredible bond the prospective adoptive parents had with the "birth mother" of their first child.  Gag me with a spoon!

With incredible saccharin, the twisted logic continues: "Here is a woman who, against her insanely strong motherly instinct realized that she couldn't provide the best life possible for her child, and so was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for her daughter. ...She's a mother who loves her child so much, she's willing to endure agonizing heartbreak to give that child the best opportunities in life."

Sunday, March 22, 2015

How do natural mothers fare?

Considering the flak the last couple days at First Mother Forum, today seemed like the right time to include a portion of the book I'm about to publishMy book is a largely a memoir--of my relinquishment, search, reunion and relationship with my daughter Jane-- but it also has sections of journalism that puts our painful story in a larger context. From Hole in My Heart:

Adoption is trumpeted today as a universal good thing. For infertile couples who wish to have a family, it is a solution. For religious organizations and fellow-travelers, agencies that use the mantle of religion, it is a business. For liberals who want to do good and keep the sense of family about them, it is a way to keep population growth down. Celebrities who adopt get on the cover of magazines, increasing their likability and encouraging ever more people to

Friday, March 20, 2015

Catelynn and Tyler's open adoption closing?

Tyler Baltierra & Catelynn Lowell
The honeymoon adoption of the daughter of Tyler Baltierra and Catelynn Lowell, one of the original couples on MTV's 16 & Pregnant, may be coming to an end. The oh-so-perfect adoptive parents Brandon and Teresa Davis "have threatened to cut off contact" according to inTouch. They're unhappy with Catelynn and Tyler's behavior and refusal to "follow adoption rules." They "violated the Davis' trust because they posted photos of Carly on social media." They're concerned "with Carly now five being in the public eye as she gets older."

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

The awful legacy of adoption

"The world is wrong. You can't put the past behind you. It's buried in you; it's turned your flesh into its own cupboard. Not everything remembered is useful, but it all comes from the world to be stored in you."--Claudia Rankine wrote in her book of poetry, Citizen.

Rankine, who is black and was born in Jamaica, was talking about race, but when I read her words I thought how they applied to mothers who relinquished children and the children who so relinquished. We trail our history behind us like a veil that never leaves us, and instead becomes part of us.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Ohio opens sealed birth records Friday

In Ohio on Friday some 400,000 adoptees will be able to answer the question of origin and identity as the original birth records of those adopted between January 1, 1964 and September 18, 1996--the years in which Ohio records were sealed--become available to them. The forms are  available on line or in person at the Department of Health on Thursday, and must to be notarized or delivered in person no sooner than Friday. For thousands of native Ohioans the end of anonymity begins.

State officials are expecting a crowd; their website urges workers to expect delays in finding parking and to plan ahead accordingly. Adoption Network Cleveland, which worked tirelessly to pass this legislation, is hosting a event for those who will be downloading and filling our the necessary form on Thursday night at the Crowne Plaza in Columbus, the state capital, where the records are held.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Mother vs.Texas 'Christian' adoption agency for her year-old son

Kiara Citizen-Williams grieves for her lost son
Evicted from her home, young mother Kiara Citizen-Williams reached out for help to Christian Homes and Families in Houston, Texas. Five days later her year-old son, Bryce, was gone--Kiara does not know where. Now she's facing an uphill battle to get him back.
According to a report from Fox TV in Houston, a caseworker from Christian Homes, Melanie Wallace, met Kiara and immediately took her to a UPS store, and had her sign an affidavit for voluntary relinquishment of parental rights. A UPS worker in the store notarized the document, and a random customer served as a witness. Wallace took Bryce and left.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Why I wrote Hole in my Heart

no retouching!
One writes a book for a lot of reasons--memoirs often because you feel you must, and that is what I felt more than three decades ago when I wrote Birthmark, the first memoir about relinquishing a child to adoption. 

needed to write about the god-awful experience of giving up my child to understand, accept and assuage my guilt--and because I knew I was strong enough to handle the criticism (that's not the word that comes to mind, but you can imagine another) that would come my way. It did. In shovelfuls.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Justin Harris--and another sad story of an adoption that shouldn't have been

The Harrises and the three kids they kept
The Harris family at Christmas
Sad and horrific stories--like what happened Selma 50 years ago--can effect change. And perhaps the latest re-homing scandal will dampen the enthusiasm for the Christian push to spread god's word by multiplying the faithful, however that is done--by birth or adoption.

We refer to the god-awful mess swirling around the Rep. Justin Harris of Arkansas. In 2013 he and his wife Marsha rehomed two sisters aged three and six they had adopted from the Arkansas Department of Human Services (DHS), placing them with Stacey and Eric Francis--a former employee of their Christian pre-kindergarten, Growing God's Kingdom.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

When lying becomes a defense to hide the real person

Lying is a subject that I write about gingerly, but it is an issue that I had to deal with as my daughter often simply could not tell the truth--either to me, her natural mother; her adoptive parents, and even friends. Recently this came into FMF's mail box from an adoptee I'll call Anna:
"i read a piece on first mother's forum where you discussed adoptees' lying and playing fast and loose with the truth - in particular, making up fantastic stories. i have done this. i can't speak for anyone but myself but i can tell you why i have done it -it's a test, plain and simple. not so much to see if you will believe me or the story, but what you think of it in the first place. you and anyone to whom i'm telling the story. 
"for instance, if i tell you a story about my having done a compassionate act, then i can get your reaction to me, you can judge me, without really judging me, since i never really did it. i can test you from a safe

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Giving up your baby for adoption is a 'courageous decision.' NOT!

"A birth mother in Western Wisconsin made a courageous decision that enabled me and my wife to have a family of our own" began WEAU TV reporter's Bob Gallaher story about his own open adoption of a daughter.

"Adoption is a courageous decision" with "loving" often inserted after courageous is an oft-repeated phrase from the adoption industry's lexicon. The truth is, though, that adoption is never a courageous decision. Instead, it is a life-altering decision driven by fear and desperation.

Fifteen year old Sammie Pohle who "made the adoption plan" which enabled Bob Gallaher and his wife Colleen to become parents admitted "I was scared, I was disappointed in myself. I just wanted to shut myself out from the rest of the world and disappear." Her mother, Amy Veltus, added, "There was a little anger, scared for her, worried, a lot of stress."

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Should a natural mother be able to visit a child after adoption?

Where is my baby? 
"Working on a show: Should a birth mother retain visitation rights to a child she chose to place for adoption?"  That's the question over at Dr. Phil's Facebook page...and as I write there are hundreds of comments and nearly 500 shares.

The responses are all over the place, but a good number of them reveal the anger and ownership feelings of many adoptive parents, and even adoptees, to wit:
"No. You chose to put a child up for adoption and you have no rights after you sign that page."

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Downton Abbey's Lady Edith finds a way to keep her baby close

Marigold and her mum, Lady Edith, on Downton Abbey
Lady Edith's story on Downton Abbey of what to do with her "bastard" baby Marigold has us in the adoption community engrossed and disturbed, always anxious about how this mother-and-child bond is going to be played, since MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.

Because more than eight million viewers tuned in for the first episode this season, a lot of people will be influenced by how the Crawley family handles the baby born of an unwed mum--and the mum herself, Lady Edith. The stakes are high, the scandal is huge, the shame would be great.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Different expectations upon mother and child reunion

The rash of comments at the last post (Adoptees can't stop first mother's pain) got me thinking about the mother/child reunion dance. It is so fraught with possibilities for missteps that sends the other into a tailspin, or what's worse, may send someone beating a hasty retreat. I had my own do-si-dos with my daughter Jane, but they didn't begin until years had passed, and so I feel that we escaped what so many have written to us about.

What adoptees have said is that when they meet their first mother and she goes on and on about the horrible boyfriend who left her stranded and pregnant, the pain of relinquishment, the years of sorrow and disorientation, the concomitant feelings of worthlessness, the adoptee is left feeling: Geeze, I was the cause of

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Adoptees can't stop first mother's pain

One of our readers, Mashka, wrote this comment on a FMF post about dealing with an adopee's "no contact" request.

"My B mom tracked me down through a "search angel", found me on facebook and constantly IMs me telling me that I "owe" her a meeting because of the "pain and hurt and wounding" she's dealt with over the years since I was adopted. Honestly these days I'm ignoring her. I haven't blocked her yet, but it is on my mind unfortunately. ... I've been reading this blog trying to get a sense of my b mom's viewpoint and mindset, and I think she's still off in left field."

Mashka, you don't owe your first mother anything but being kind and understanding to someone in pain is the decent thing to do. This doesn't mean you have to let your first mother dominate your life. 

Monday, February 2, 2015

Hole in my Heart on its way

Lorraine and Jane, 1983
After more than five years, several rewrites, many tears, rejections from publishers, more tears, picking myself up, dusting myself off....a Lifetime movie that was in the works but died, more rewrites, a book contract I couldn't sign, cutting 20,000 words (!), a story that kept changing as time marched on, encouragement and love from my ever-supportive husband and good friends, et cetera, my memoir, Hole in my Heart, is going to be available in March or April. I'm a publishing it myself. Enough with the waiting.

To make that happen, I put Hole in my Heart up on Kickstarter, a crowd-funding platform, last week and asked for just enough to pay for copy editing (by a first mother who does this in real life), and someone who will format it for publication.

As I write tonight, I want to thank those who helped so generously and quickly to make this happen: Darlene Gerow

Thursday, January 29, 2015

After reunion, birth father rejects returning daughter

Dear FMF: 

I am a 44-year-old adoptee who found my birth parents this year. My birth father had listed himself in a mutual consent registry in California 15 years ago, but I didn't find out until I spent a year getting my non-identifying information. He stayed with his teenage girlfriend while she was pregnant with me, and when he married (someone else), he told his wife he had a child who might show up one day. Through him I was able to meet my mother, and that is going well. 

My birth father and I had a warm and emotional first meeting in a local park, and met there again two weeks later with my two-year-old daughter. He did not invite me to meet his family, he said, because of upcoming surgery.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Orphans in film, literature a universal: Now playing at your local miniplex

Lost Boy "Eggs"
Three films now playing, The Boxtrolls, Paddington, and Annie, reflect our endless fascination with orphans. The Boxtroll tells once again the story of a child separated from his real family who becomes a hero. The Boxtrolls are quirky, mischievous creatures who live underground among the trash and wear discarded boxes, take in an infant boy. He is called Eggs because that is the label on the box he wears. When an evil human devises a plot to destroy the Boxtrolls and replace the human king, Eggs ventures above ground,

Monday, January 19, 2015

Telling your children about their adopted sibling

When my lost daughter Rebecca contacted me, I was faced with telling my other daughters, ages 25, 23, and 20 about their half sister. I could have not done so of course, but I wanted to have a relationship with Rebecca. I recognized how awkward it would be to keep her a secret. How to explain long telephone calls, hours on the computer writing emails, trips out of town. If she remained a secret, she would not be able to visit. More fundamentally I realized that it would be unfair to Rebecca to keep her a secret as though I was ashamed of her.

She asked me several times during our initials correspondence if I had told my daughters about her. She was curious about them; perhaps her interest went beyond curiosity reflecting a natural desire to connect with those to whom she was related biologically.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Korean adoptees are returning to their native land

After the separation: the persistence of roots
Stories about adoptees from other countries often talk of corruption in the system, of mothers being scammed into giving up their babies, of the angst of individuals raised in a culture not their own. But they seldom actually mention the grief of the birth mothers--or how the adopted individual might process it.

But a single sentence in a New York Times Magazine piece did it for me: "My life in the United States, no matter how good it was...never made up for my omma's grief."

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Downton Abbey: Once again dealing with the scandal of a 'bastard'

Laura Carmichael as Lady Edith Crawley in Downton Abbey
Laura Carmichael as Lady Edith                 Photo: Nick Briggs
Today we go from reality TV (trash or not, that's for you to decide) to midbrow Downton Abbey. The story line is going further and further into the Lady-Edith-had-a-bastard-baby thread, and they are doing a bangup job with it.

For those who don't follow this highfalutin' soap opera from BBC, a primer: The not-beautiful middle daughter ends up with somewhat of a job--writing columns for a newspaper--instead of a husband. But an affair follows with the editor of the paper, who is unfortunately married to a mad woman locked up

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Second daughter brings joy to Catelynn, Tyler

Happy mom Catelynn
"I actually get to feel happy about leaving the hospital," Tyler Baltierra tweeted as he prepared to take his new daughter, Novalee, and her mother, long time girl friend, Catelynn Lowell, home from the hospital last month according to E News. "Crying happy tears instead of sad ones feels amazing! I don't have to be heart broken this time."

Tyler, you didn't have to heart-broken when you left the hospital after Catelynn gave birth to your baby five years ago. Then Tyler and Catelynn handed their daughter, Carly, to adoptive parents Brandon and Teresa Davis, an affluent couple who lived in North Carolina, far from Catelynn and Tyler's home in rural Michigan, making visits difficult and costly. Surely there were willing parents not several states away.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Contacting siblings when a woman denies she is 'the' first mother

Diving in the unknown....                      photo by Ken Robbins
What do you do when a first mother denies she is your mother, but the proof that she is seems irrefutable? What do you do about siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, other family members? Do you contact them?

The question comes up often because it happens all too often. Recently I met a woman in her sixties who believes she found her natural mother, but the woman, now quite elderly, wrote back that she was not the person being sought. However, if the woman is the birth mother--as the records obtained by the adoptee indicate--the adoptee may have full siblings. And she would love to know them.