Friday, July 3, 2015

Liberty and Justice for adoptees--WHEN?

"The Constitution promises liberty to all within its reach, a liberty that includes specific rights that allow persons, within a lawful realm, to define and express their identity" began the Supreme Courts' opinion in the gay marriage case, Obergefell v. Hodges. Absolutely agree. And it's about time the courts make good on that promise to adoptees who still can't obtain basic facts about themselves in a majority of states.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

UNJUST Sealed Birth Certificate Laws

My original birth certificate--everyone should have the same
As the legislative session wound down in New York, the Assembly passed a bill that allows natural birth parents not only a veto, but put in place a confidential intermediary system, those assuring that many more birth mothers will deny their children knowledge of their original identity. The bill (S5964) was referred to the Senate Rules committee but in the flurry of activity that engulfs the legislative chambers in the last hours of every session, it stayed in committee as the session ended.

After years of work on giving adoptees the right to know who they are--without any restriction, without a natural parent veto--this legislation was disappointing. Assemblyman David Weprin who has been the main sponsor and spark plug for this bill obviously felt that he could not get a clean bill--no restrictions, no confidential intermediaries--despite strong lobbying at the end to kill the bill. It passed 125-19. My own assemblyman Fred Thiele, who has been a staunch supporter of the original bill that had no restrictions, in the end joined those who voted for this bill.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Fathers: Never too late to find your child

Jane
We set aside a day every year for children to honor their fathers. Although the day is co-oped by the likes of Hallmark, Sports Authority, Cabela's, it's still an important rite, enjoyed by families nationwide.

For children adopted as infants who do not know their natural fathers, it can be a day of sadness. Their fathers not only abandoned their mothers, justifiably many fathers would argue, but deserted their children as well. In fairness to these fathers, the patriarchal culture played a part. Sex is good for men, taboo for women, and if a girl got in trouble, well, it was her fault. Back when many of these children were born, the double standard was alive and well; remnants of it remain. Many men walked away, joined the Army, finished school, whatever. Even if they were inclined to do the right thing,

Monday, June 15, 2015

A first mother's point of no return

Jane in 1968
 Natural mothers have a date burned in their brains--the day events put them on the trajectory culminating in the loss of their child. It is the day they saw him leaning against the wall at a high school dance, the day they went to that party they really didn't feel like going to--and were raped, the day they had unprotected sex because he pleaded or they thought it was safe or they didn't know any better. Our destinies as childless mothers seem fated.

For me, the day was in 1965, when I decided to return to Alaska from graduate school in the South, intending to resurrect--or end--my relationship with Millard, the man who would become my surrendered daughter Rebecca's father.

I began dating Millard the summer before, right after I graduated from the University of Alaska. I was thrilled! He was thirty, more sophisticated than the college boys I had dated, a professional, fun to talk to, attractive--Warren Beatty

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Doctor tricks natural mother

Lorraine 
Nearly three decades ago, an infertile couple who wanted to adopt wrote up a resume about themselves and sent it to several obstetricians through friends of friends. Though they were not from New York, they got a call from a doctor in Brooklyn. His patient was an 18-year-old about to go to college, and she and her boyfriend were planning to give up their baby.

The mother-to-be chose the couple--from their letter--but though they wanted to meet her, she did not. She did agree to let the prospective parents have a photograph of her. But the prospective adoptive father wanted to meet her.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Why were adoptee birth certificates sealed?

My husband, Anthony Brandt, wrote this column less than a week ago, and it seems apt to publish it here as it is his outsider take on what he saw happened to his cousin when she became pregnant in high school. It also explains why he was so understanding of my life as a mother who relinquished a child when we met. And it led to a disagreement over on Facebook when I posted it. 

As many of you know, he has been a staunch supporter of my involvement in the issue of my life, and supported me and writing this book, even though money has always been tight in our household. 
Anthony Brandt--in his hat
May 31, 2015
The Adoption Tragedy
by Anthony Brandt

Lorraine, my wife, is within a day or two of signing off on the last corrections to her new book, Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption and very soon thereafter Amazon will be publishing it, making it available via Kindle or as a bound book, selling for a price yet to be determined, but probably around $12.00. What a long road it has been--five years, as many versions, always refining it and making it better. I'm proud to have traveled this road with her and done the little I could do to encourage and help

Thursday, June 4, 2015

HOLE IN MY HEART: Let's change the world

Jane and Lorraine, summer 1982
Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption is for sale at Amazon.

I can hardly believe it--I mean I can, that is a figure of speech. But after so many years of writing and rewriting, of acceptance by a small adoption publishing house and then a contract I wouldn't sign, after almost a Lifetime TV movie (a script writer was already blocking out scenes), after agents calling to say they loved the writing, after hearing from editors at the usual publishing houses that "there wasn't a big enough audience for this story--but good luck with placing it elsewhere"--it does feel amazing to finally have Hole In My Heart in print and out there for the world to read.

I'm a little scared of course--what if? It just goes quietly into that good night and that's it?

Someone asked me about a week ago about what I hoped to accomplish with this book and I immediately answered before thinking: I want to change the way people think about adoption.

That's it.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Natural/Birth Mothers who search and are rejected

Jane
When I gave up my daughter Rebecca in 1966, I promised myself I would search for her when she turned 18. It made it easier to give her up. I've since learned that mothers commonly made this promise.

I didn't tell my social worker of my plan because I was afraid that if she knew, she might send my daughter to China or some place where I could never find her. I was aware that records were closed, birth certificates altered to show adoptive parents as THE parents. I told myself I would go to law school (which I had been considering for several years) and as an attorney I could figure how how to beat the system and find my daughter.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Adopted...Looking to find birth/natural mother

The singer looking for his natural mother. It's Sunday, I've been working...like a dog and adoptive parent Frank Ligtvoet sent me this video.  I hope messages like this keep making it possible for adoptive parents and adoptees and natural mothers to look upon adoption/reunion in a different way.

Enjoy.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Mothers take no pride in giving up their babies

Jane
"Justine, I am an adoptee (Nov, 1983). I am looking for my birth family so I may not only thank them, but to somehow express my deepest admiration and pride for their completely selfish act" wrote Lacy in response to a comment by a natural mother on a post we wrote about Texas-based Gladney Center for Adoption. After suppressing a scream, I continued reading:
"I've always held a special place in my heart not only for my birth parents, but [for] every single birth mom and dad out there and had never, not even for a moment, doubted their love for me. There are very few people in this world that have enough strength,

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Does it matter who your father is?

Jane
When Lorena Thompson Madrone of Oceanside, Oregon decided to have a baby, it was strictly a DIY affair. Becase she was concerned about having to "legally share" the child with the biological father, Lorena and her partner, Karah Gretchen Madrone, came up with a lamebrain scheme to obscure the father's identity by having two sperm donors. Of course one of two gives the child pretty decent odds of figuring which man had the cojones.

As far as avoiding legal issues around paternity, the scheme wouldn't have worked anyway. While it may have kept true dad at bay, if Lorena had applied for welfare, the state would have been after both men with a DNA kit in a flash.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

When is the right time to contact your natural parent?

Jane
When is the right time to contact a natural parent or a lost child?  The simple answer is never, and now. When my surrendered daughter Rebecca and I connected, my husband and I were preparing for my oldest raised daughter's wedding to be held in less than a month in Washington DC, thousands of miles from my home in Oregon. I was involved in a law suit over my employment. I had a second daughter at home and a third in college.  In short, I was busy and low on funds. I didn't need the upheaval in my life that her contact would bring. Once we connected, though, everything moved aside. I did the things I needed to do, but Rebecca was constantly on my mind.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

It's Mother's Day again. 'Birth' Mother's Day too.

Mother's Day card from my daughter
Here it comes again, Mother's Day, impossible to miss because of the incessant ads that pop up everywhere, reminding us of our own fractured motherhood. I've been through the gamut of emotions about Mother's Day, beginning when I did not know where my daughter was, and my own mother did not even know my daughter existed, to those years after reunion when I spent the week preceding the big day hoping she would remember me in some small way. She often did not. Oh heavy was my heart!

While I was feeling sorry for myself, I always imagined a big celebration going on with her adoptive mother--card, dinner, what-have-you. There were other children, and her adoptive father who was not likely to let any of them forget. I don't know if that was the case because I never asked. But one year, I got a wonderful hand-made card that said: To my Other Mother. Inside it says: "I couldn't find a card that defined our relationship, but then all truly matters is that is that I let you know, I Love You. Happy Mothers day LORRAINE, love Jane." It must have come with a present, because there is a note on the back about using whatever she sent to "relax after a long hard day."

Monday, May 4, 2015

Who can call herself a mother?

Jane and Lorraine, daughter and mother
“They call me ‘biological mother.’

I hate those words. They make me sound like a baby machine, a conduit, without emotions. They tell me to forget and go out and make a new life.
       
I had a baby and I gave her away. But I am a mother.”

Those words are from my memoir Birthmark, and are the most quoted language in the book. At the time of publication in 1979, the debate over what to call women who relinquished children was just beginning. Before that, we were “natural mothers.”

But that term was thought to be offensive to adoptive parents and “birth mother” came into wide usage among those who wrote about adoption loss and reunion, and even, some mothers themselves. Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) had already embraced the term in its name, using the conjoined word “birthmother."

Friday, May 1, 2015

What makes a mother?

Unwilling mother Sherri Shepherd
As if we didn't already know, the whole "assisted reproduction" business is a mess, both from a legal and a moral standpoint. The latest escapades are those of Sherri Shepherd who lost her fight not to be a mother and Nick Loeb who is fighting to be a father.

Shepherd, a former co-host on The View, entered into an agreement with her then husband Lamar Sally and Jessica Bartholomew to have Bartholomew carry a child created through Sally's sperm and a donated egg. By the time the baby boy, Lamar Sally, Jr., was born eight months ago, Shepherd had filed for divorce, disclaiming responsibility for the child and refusing to pay support, leaving Bartholomew whose name was on the birth certificate on the hook for thousands of dollars in medical bills. "Not so fast" said a Pennsylvania court. "A deal is a deal. You signed on the dotted line and you're a legal mother, like it or not. Pay up!"

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Demanding adoptee rights! Now!

Unsealing Initiative demonstrating on the steps of New York's City Hall for adoptee rights legislation in 2013. 




When people ask for something for themselves--rather than others asking for them--they are more likely to get it.  Sounds simple, right?

I'm thinking about rights for adoptees and natural mothers. 

Twice recently I have heard the above idea expressed. On CBS This Morning a woman was talking about this being the week students must make their final decisions about where they will go college this fall. The woman noted that since financial considerations enter into it, if the circumstances of the family have been reduced since the application was filed, they should call the financial officer, explain the changed situation, and ask him to reconsider the aid package being offered.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Approaching a natural mother without scaring her away

Lorraine
Dear First Mother Forum:
I found my natural mother and we are writing to one another--but I am so afraid of offending her, and she seems quite wounded when I bring up my father. My life as an adopted child was not good, and while I don't blame her for that, I'm afraid of telling her about it. Is there a blog post that might be helpful?--Walking On Eggshells

This is a common story, and we hear it from both sides--both natural mothers and found children going into reunion are terribly afraid of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing--and neither ones of us knows what the trigger points for the other person will be.

We've talked about what natural mothers need to avoid upon reunion before, but never written about what might upset mothers. So here goes.

Friday, April 24, 2015

The thriving domestic adoption craze

Lorraine and reunited daughter, Jane 
 Earlier this week we covered the subject of children who might be adopted who are in foster care, and international, or intercountry adoption. Today we finish this chapter talking about the reality of adopting today in America, a topic that seems particularly relevant after a recent comment at the previous blog from a woman who signs herself: Birthmumof2.

She wrote of having a good, open adoption with the adoptive parents of her two full siblings she has relinquished to a family she knows and trusts. She baby-sits for the children; the parents and she trust each other. Yet it was the ease with with she relinquished a second child with the same father as the first that we and

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Catelynn and Tyler face reality

Lorraine
Natural mother Catelynn of the TV show Teen Mom was a sad person to watch last night as she sat talking to Teresa and Brandon Davis, the adoptive parents of her and Tyler's daughter, Carly. As you know, we have been quite critical of both Catelynn and Tyler for turning themselves into advocates for adoption.

But last night in the episode of Teen Mom OG where they meet Teresa and Brandon after a year they came across as merely young natural parents coming to terms with the reality of giving up a child: They are and will be the underdogs in the parenting equation. Their contact with daughter Carly is dependent on the permission of Brandon and Teresa.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

What about those babies in....any-poor-nation?

The previous post dealt with the prevailing attitude towards adopting in America today--that there must be a lot babies who need adopting--when they aren't. Continuing that theme of What About Children Who Need adopting, today's post talks about going overseas to adopt:

In the quest to rescue children from deplorable conditions in another country, the number of children adopted from South Korea ballooned to more than 100,000. The exodus of babies began after the Korean War with the mixed-race babies left behind by GIs, but the flow of children didn’t stop when most of those children were settled in America. Exporting children to America became a cash cow for the country, and only lately has this become a national embarrassment.

NOW HOLT HAS ADOPTEE TOURISM 
Today, Holt International Children’s Services, the same agency that facilitated a great many—if not most—of the Korean adoptions, now advertises a side business of guided trips back to Korea for adult adoptees, who may be in search of their parents. If they are lucky enough to find them, now a language and cultural barrier separates parent and child.

Friday, April 17, 2015

What about children who need adopting?

Lorraine at her desk 
While we have been discussing the great damage done by people like Catelynn and Tyler for their continuing advocacy of adoption as shills for Bethany Christian Services, I thought it might be useful to post an overview of adoption attitudes and practices in America. Surely some readers who find themselves here read our posts and say--What about all those children who need to be adopted? 

As I was writing Hole in My Heart, my upcoming memoir, I realized that some readers would have that very thought, and so I include a section under the rubric of "Facts and Commentary" to answer them. It will be posted over the next week in three sections. Part I is today below. 

As for Catelynn and Tyler, it appears that they will meet with the adoptive parents of their first child, Theresa and Brandon Davis, in a segment of Monday's show of "Teen Mom OG" (10 p.m. EST/9 CST). Of course it's edited, but it will be interesting to see the interaction of the four parents of daughter Carly. As for how deeply Catelynn is involved in pushing adoption, I just picked this up from Catelynn's Twitter feed online: Hi, I'm Catelynn from Teen Mom. My goal is 2 be an advocate 4 adoption. Contact us on website 4 speaking engagements & join our fan page!

Monday, April 13, 2015

Post your adoption experience on the Washington Post

Jane
Here's an opportunity to publish how you feel about adoption! Syndicated columnist Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post has asked first mothers to respond to a woman whose daughter is considering adoption for her unborn child. The mother wrote: 

"My 20-something daughter is single and pregnant. She is considering adopting the baby out. This is a decision she alone can make and we fully support whatever she decides. However, I know she looks to me for input and advice. Never having been in a place to make this decision, I don’t know what to say.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Mandated counseling for mothers-to-be

Jane
As I was reading Montana's new law allowing adoptees access to their original birth certificates,* I came across its law mandating counseling for mothers prior to relinquishing their parental rights. I was blown away!

For starters, the law mandates that mothers must have a minimum of three hours of counseling that includes information about keeping the baby, resources to help them keep their baby, options for continuing contact between the birth and adoptive families, and post-adoption grief and loss.

This is information that segments of the adoption industry don't want parents to know. For a close up view of what happens when adoption decisions are made without full information, just watch Catelynn Lowell

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Tyler Baltierra's adoption regrets

Jane
"This whole adoption thing was supposed to be a lot different in my opinion," said an angry Tyler Baltierra on MTV's Teen Mom OG (Original Girls) aired Tuesday night. He had just posted a video on Fan.com of the daughter he and his girlfriend Catelynn Lowell relinquished for adoption five years earlier, named Carly. Catelynn cautioned Tyler that Carly's adoptive parents had warned them not to post pictures of Carly. "What happens if they get mad and say you're not going to see her any more?" she asked. Then, if she were talking to someone considering giving up a child, she added, "You have to make sure you pick the right people for you."

Tyler exploded: "That's a huge thing--if any pregnant woman is watching this, pick the right couple and make sure you go over everything."

Saturday, April 4, 2015

South Korean adoptee faces deportation

Jane
With few restrictions on who can adopt internationally, children from abroad may be subjected to abandonment, abuse and even death at the hands of their adoptive parents. No one knows this better than Adam Crapser who was not only excised from his "forever family" and abused in foster care, but now faces deportation.

Adam and his sister were adopted from South Korea by an Oregon family* in 1978 when he was three. The family did not apply for citizenship for Adam. The adoption disrupted when he was ten and the children were separated. Adam was placed in a series of foster and
group homes, ending up with Thomas and Dolly Crapser who abused him over the next four years. They also did not apply to make Adam a U.S. citizen. Eventually the Crapsers were convicted of abuse.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Boycott sealed record states!

Jane
Money talks when it comes to social change. That's a lesson for those of us pushing for legislation allowing adult adoptees to obtain their original birth certificate need to learn.

We can see this from the brouhaha over the Indiana and Arkansas "Religious Freedom Restoration" Acts.* Aside from Apple's gay CEO, Tim Cook, I suspect the major businesses threatening to boycott these states, NCCA, Walmart, Angie's List, etc. don't give a hoot about gay rights, but they know a public relations nightmare when they see one. Being perceived to be on the side of discrimination against gays who want to marry their loved ones doesn't fit their corporate image. And there are way more gays and their supporters than "Christians" who fear damnation from providing flowers to a same-sex wedding.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

What not to say to a natural mother

Lorraine
Excerpt from Hole in My Heart, soon to be released:

Adoption reform, like all causes that move with the speed of the tilt of the earth, can be grueling. To do the work means you keep revisiting the place of your greatest pain. I try to stay away from adoption as my life’s leitmotif. I might write the occasional letter to legislators—I did get so involved in New Hampshire when a bill allowing adoptees access to their original birth certificates passed that the chief sponsor, adoptive father Lou D’Allesandro, called within the hour to celebrate. 

Yet when new acquaintances asked what I’d written, or what I was working on, the words I-am-a-mother-who-gave-up-a-child rarely passed my lips,

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Selfless surrender of infant? Or a snow job?

Jane
"Woman Selflessly Gives Up Her New Born for Adoption for an Incredible reason" trumpets the San Francisco Globe. And what is this incredible reason that propelled Amber to make "one of the hardest decisions a mother could possible make"? The incredible bond the prospective adoptive parents had with the "birth mother" of their first child.  Gag me with a spoon!

With incredible saccharin, the twisted logic continues: "Here is a woman who, against her insanely strong motherly instinct realized that she couldn't provide the best life possible for her child, and so was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for her daughter. ...She's a mother who loves her child so much, she's willing to endure agonizing heartbreak to give that child the best opportunities in life."

Sunday, March 22, 2015

How do natural mothers fare?

Lorraine
Considering the flak the last couple days at First Mother Forum, today seemed like the right time to include a portion of the book I'm about to publishMy book is a largely a memoir--of my relinquishment, search, reunion and relationship with my daughter Jane-- but it also has sections of journalism that puts our painful story in a larger context. From Hole in My Heart:

Adoption is trumpeted today as a universal good thing. For infertile couples who wish to have a family, it is a solution. For religious organizations and fellow-travelers, agencies that use the mantle of religion, it is a business. For liberals who want to do good and keep the sense of family about them, it is a way to keep population growth down. Celebrities who adopt get on the cover of magazines, increasing their likability and encouraging ever more people to

Friday, March 20, 2015

Catelynn and Tyler's open adoption closing?

Tyler Baltierra & Catelynn Lowell
The honeymoon adoption of the daughter of Tyler Baltierra and Catelynn Lowell, one of the original couples on MTV's 16 & Pregnant, may be coming to an end. The oh-so-perfect adoptive parents Brandon and Teresa Davis "have threatened to cut off contact" according to inTouch. They're unhappy with Catelynn and Tyler's behavior and refusal to "follow adoption rules." They "violated the Davis' trust because they posted photos of Carly on social media." They're concerned "with Carly now five being in the public eye as she gets older."