Allow adopted people right to know their true identity

Too shy to push myself totally into the shot...

Some people have said they can't adequately reach the Albany Times-Union site where the piece I wrote that my assemblyman, Fred Thiele, referenced in the New York Assembly in the discussion just before the Montgomery/Weprin bill giving New York adoptees the right to their original birth certificates at age 18. 

As most know by now, the bill passed both the New York Senate and Assembly with an overwhelming margin, and now awaits Gov. Andrew Cuomo's signature, which is expected. For reasons that baffle me on the one hand and are not surprising on the other, the emotional passage of this bill in the Assembly--the Senate passed it first the previous week--did not receive nearly the coverage it merits. Many of the speakers were highly emotional--not just three three who are adopted--and when the vote tally was first announced, a cheer went up in the hall. Yet media coverage has been scant. The NY Times so far has ignored it. Newsday did not. The big three news stations in New York City seem to have ignored it.  My local television station (Long Island Channel 12) did a good job, and another spot is scheduled, this time with an adoptee looking forward to getting his real not amended birth certificate in a day or two. I'll post the link when it appears.

ADOPTEE RIGHTS BILL PASSES IN NY!!!!!

Lorraine 

UPDATED 11 P.M. JUNE 21, 2019
Adoptee right bill passed!!!!!!!!
The vote in the Assembly was 140-6.
(Final vote.)
Senate voted last week, 56-6.

Many of the people we expected to vote against it folded, and two who had been our staunch opposition in the past spoke about changing their minds. Joe Lentol, for one, who had held up the bill in the past, as he is chair of Codes. Yesterday, however, when Codes passed it, he voted for it then, and spoke today on the floor passionately and eloquently about having his mind changed.

Assemblywoman Debra Glick did the same. In the past, she always spoke of birth mother privacy, but her tune was different today, about how times had changed. I couldn't believe it. Even Danny O'Donnell, who we have excoriated in the past for his attitude when we lobbied him, in the end voted Aye for the bill. Totally surprising!

Legal surrogacy in NY moves forward, adoptee rights stalled. Again.

Lorraine at 2018 Indiana conference with fellow New Yorker,
Suzanne Bachner, playwright,The Good Adoptee 

If surrogacy--renting a woman's womb for a high price--is legal, why isn't prostitution?

Both commodify a woman's body as a product to be sold, bartered, rented, call it anything you want, it offers for sale the use of a woman's body. If the surrogacy is unpaid--except for the expenses of the procedure itself and the birth of the baby--it's not quite the same. Family members--even mothers for their daughters, sisters for siblings--sometimes have offered to become impregnated with related DNA as sperm or egg or embryo and carry a fetus to term. I have no objection to that.

But the paying for the use of a woman's womb, and having her incur all the medical challenges of pregnancy and birth, changes everything. It takes advantage of impoverished women as well as students facing enormous college costs their families can ill afford. In fact, the better the school one is attending--think Harvard, Yale, Princeton and the like--and the fee can skyrocket to $200,000.

Will this "birth mother's" attorney really look out for her interests?

In Roseburg, Oregon, a small town 175 miles south of Portland, a woman I do not know will deliver a baby within the next 30 days and give her infant to the clients of Portland attorney, Scott Adams. An adoptee himself, he is a long time adoption practitioner.

Perhaps she responded to a "Dear Birth Mother" ad, perhaps she knows the prospective adoptive parents, friends of relatives, a couple she met while waiting tables, or a couple referred by her pastor. I do know that unless a miracle happens, she will leave the hospital with a flat stomach and searing lifelong pain.

An attorney she has met only recently perhaps for only an hour, hired by Adams and paid by the prospective adoptive parents, will within a day of the birth present her with a consent form prepared by Adams. Once she signs, the attorney will send the paper immediately through electronic means to Adams who will file it as soon as possible at the courthouse. Once filed, the consent is irrevocable.

Everyone wants to know where they came from, but sperm babies still made with only half a heritage they will know

Press Conference on steps of NYC City Hall, with Sen. Velmanette Montgomery,
 Assemblyperson David Weprin, and that's me with the big green bag to the left.
WE SHALL OVERCOME ONE DAY....

Today's Jeopardy Question: He once said: “In all of us there is a hunger, marrow-deep, to know our heritage... who we are and where we have come from.”

The answer is Alex Haley, author of Roots: The Saga of an American Family.

Then in the Style Section, there is a story about two black lesbians "Seeking a Sperm Donor Who's Black" about the difficulty of finding a black sperm seller, or donor, as is the common parlance. They won't use the sperm of any of their friends because he--even if he signs papers terminating parental rights--might want to be involved, ya know, one day. One of the woman was up for using a friend's sperm--it would be free, for one thing, "donated" sperm costs $1400--but the other states "I do not want to co-parent with anyone but you," referring to her partner. They have a very limited choice, and one of them is picky about the one good candidate (for health reasons) they finally settle on. She doesn't particularly like his looks. His skin tone isn't as dark as theirs, and she doesn't like that--but from the photo, they both clearly have some white genes intermingled with the black. 

What is missing here?

Happy Mother's Day? Hmm. Well, not for some of us.

Lorraine

Here it comes again, Mother's Day, impossible to delete from the calendar or ignore totally because of the incessant ads that pop up everywhere, from the internet to the newspaper to the super bargains on the Today show that are just "perfect for mom." I got my hair cut today and as I was paying the bill, I heard the receptionist say to the woman ahead of me--Happy Mother's Day. I happen to know the woman for years, and know she is the nicest person. But the woman ahead of me said, I never had children. Neither, it turned out, did the receptionist, she just thought it was a nice thing to say. When I paid my bill, I said, You know, Mother's Day is a painful day for all women who gave up a child. I hope you will stop saying that to everyone who comes in. I rather surprised myself because in years past I probably would just have let it go, but she had three more days to remind, once more, other first mothers that this godawful holiday was upon us. 

Millions of words written about unsealing original birth records for adoptees--and we are still fighting in New York

Daughter Jane and Mother Lorraine
1983

"My little girl said to me one day, 'I wonder what my mother was like,', she recalled."It struck me that she had a feeling of loneliness....I knew the need was so strong I couldn't reject it or pass it off...adopted children have the right to know about their natural parents. They are people, not puppies or kittens that one takes in. You can't deny the existence of the people who gave birth. You might like to but you can't."--Adoptive mother who joined ALMA, quoted in "Adopted Children Who Wonder, 'What Was Mother Like?' by Enid Nemy, The New York Times, July 25, 1972. This is the piece that changed my life. Within a month I had met Florence Fisher and set a new course to my life.

"The way it is now," she said, "there is just something missing from my life." Adopted woman at a conference on sealed records in Washington DC, quoted in "Who Is My Daughter," by Dusky, Newsweek, Oct. 15, 1979.

Hoda Kotb adopts again--

Lorraine

Hoda Kotb of the Today show adopted again. I caught the end of the reveal on Today this morning, and all the women sitting around the table had tears in their eyes, and an indication that they guys did too. Later, the after Today Show, the Hoda and Jenna Show did another spot, this time with Samantha Guthrie and Jenna Bush--since Hoda is taking some time off--which I caught in replay.

So many tears, a box of tissue drops from above on the set so the women can wipe their tears away. Samantha says they need to go to Costco and buy a carton! Hoda on the phone is talking about love and hope and how much she wanted a second child. Hope Hope Hope, she put it out in the universe (and apparently in a book) that she wanted a second child to adopt, and now she is naming her Hope. Samantha says, now you have a family of four--now her family is complete. More tears. Hoda repeats how she hoped and dreamed and prayed for a second child.... Everybody on the show knows how much she wanted this baby, a second baby to adopt, and the set is overflowing with love for Hoda--who does exude a warm, inviting persona--and the joy because of this child....

Novice film maker tells An Adoption Story

Kelly Hansen

It's always thrilling when someone not a first mother or an adoptee gets it. Kelly Hansen, a high-tech professional in Portland, Oregon not only got it, she turned what she knew into a film.

Kelly was looking for a subject for a film she planned to make as part of an amateur video group.  She happened upon Ann Fessler's compelling 2006 work The Girls Who Went Away which profiles mothers who lost their children to adoption in the decades before Roe v. Wade. 

Kelly wanted to learn more history of first mothers sought them through Concerned United Birthparents. She learned that many women are still manipulated into relinquishing their babies. Eventually she connected with Holly and Hannah, a reunited mother and daughter, and me. In the

Jane

course of the film--only 12 minutes long--myths are shattered. I do a brief intro about adoption, then and now. Then we meet Hannah, a young woman who contacted her mother on Facebook while still a teenager. She met her mother, her mother's husband, and three siblings. Two years later she made the difficult but right decision for her to move in with her new-found family.

Like most of us, when I see a film of myself, I cringe. Kelly says I did great but I think I should have talked more clearly, explained things better, sat straighter. But then I think hey, I did it, maybe made a small contribution to letting people know about the dark side of adoption.

Here's the video on YouTube.  An Adoption Story.  Please pass it along!--jane

PS What's with my right eye? It was removed twenty years ago because I had a tumor attached to the blood vessels which fed my eye. The doctors tried to remove the tumor several times but were not able to and thought it would become malignant. I make the patches myself in various colors so I can  coordinate them with what I am wearing. I do have a false eye sitting in my bathroom cabinet. It doesn't look real because I have no eyelid and the false eye doesn't move. It's held in with glue and always in danger of falling off. It's good for Halloween, though.

Give adoptees their original birth certificates as a birth right--writing to New York Senators

Lorraine

My letter to New York Senators on the Health Committee in the state legislature:  

Dear Senator X:  A true identity should be everyone’s birth right as a matter of course. I am writing to ask you to support legislation which would allow adoptees to receive a certified copy of their birth certificate upon reaching the age of 18.

In 1966 I relinquished a daughter for adoption in Rochester, New York. At the time, I objected vigorously against the “forever” sealing of my daughter’s birth record to my social worker. All to no avail; I had no choice but to go along. The law—the 1935 law—was the law, and I had no voice, no choice.

Coming out as a natural mother in 1975 and still fighting to unseal birth certificates of adopted people

Legislators Velmanette Montgomery and David Weprin,

Lorraine Dusky at press conference on step of NYC City Hall

 a few years ago. That's Carol Schaefer between Lorraine and 

Weprin. 

Forty-four years ago today I wrote about the sealed records of the adopted, and why it was wrong on the Oped Page of The New York Times. In doing so I came out as a natural mother who had relinquished a daughter to adoption. It was a first.

Since then I've lobbied not only in New York but by letter and phone in other states, and we are still at it in New York. This year we may have a chance of vacating the 1935 law that sealed birth certificates, as we have new leadership in the state senate and legislators are committed to doing the right thing. The links below take you to not only the New York Times piece, but also a piece running this week in my local newspaper, The Southampton/East Hampton Press, about the possibility of change in New York with quotes from my assemblyman, Fred Thiele, Cathi Swett, and myself.

The first comment left at the Southampton Press site was negative. There's always someone....

From the New York Times

Yearning

By LORRAINE DUSKYMARCH 1, 1975

Continue reading the main storyShare This Page

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And this week's Southampton/East Hampton Press

State Considers Opening Birth Records For Adoptees

Who's the First Mom? Why is 'Adoptive Mother' such an offensive term? It's truth, it's reality.

As predictable as Groundhog Day repeating itself is adoptive mothers who go ballistic when referred to as adoptive mothers. "I am the real, the only true mom" they proclaim, sounding as if their child did not have another mother, did not come from another mother, but instead arrived by stork. Recently FMF received angry comments in response to a 2010 post about knowing the truth even when it's ugly* from a woman who identified herself as Panda.

Panda doesn't oppose her adopted son searching for his "bio family" or "the incubator" as she refers to the natural mother, but she is mad as hell about being referred to as an "adoptive mom."

The adoption trigger: To hang on or let go?

Lorraine

A few days ago a friend emailed me about seeing the Judy Chicago Birth Project--a series of impressionist and graphic woven images--recently. My friend who writes about art added that Chicago had observed 150 births and noted that the beautiful colors and striking images which "belie the agony and the tearing."

Here is how I responded:

"Birth scenes! I hate them! I can watch them if I have to, but I'd rather speed dial through the screaming and baby's first cry and all of it, and do whenever I can. I allowed myself to be even more "triggered (that currently trendy word) in the first decade after [my daughter's birth] but as they became more common in everything, I just said, time to get over it, girl."

That pretty much covers my reaction to triggering today. There is so much around us all the time about birth and adoption that if I had to go

Adopted kids take after their first parents, not their adoptive parents

Geneticist Robert Plomin says children take 

after their biological parents, not adoptive. 

Kids take after their first parents, not their adoptive parents, in cognitive skills, interests and personality traits. They even resemble their first parents in seemingly non-genetic traits as television watching and likelihood of getting divorced. This comes as no surprise to first parents who have met their lost offspring, but it's heartening and reassuring to have our impressions supported by scientific research.

In "Blueprint: How DNA Makes Us Who We Are," Robert Plomin, a behavioral geneticist at King's College London, is the latest researcher to conclude that babies are not balls of clay, shaped by their parents after birth, but come at birth with imprinted traits from their biological parents. In essence, he posits that parental nurturing has little effect on the adults children grow up to become.

Plomin's research echos that of earlier scientists, including Judith Rich Harris who stated that adopted children do not resemble their adoptive parents in intelligence, character or personality; and Steven Pinker who wrote "The doctrine of a blank slate is a totalitarian's dream". To them, the nature/nurture argument was over, and nature had won.

To us who live adoption, we understand that the desire of adoptees to learn their origins, and the intense grief of mothers who lose their children, is proof that the bond between us is driven by natural forces that is not broken by time or distance.

Memories of the missing child you can't erase at Christmas

My holiday amaryllis taken with my Sony 

Like everyone else I've been busy with holiday stuff--I'm a dinosaur in some respects and send cards to a smaller number of people every year, but send them I do--adoption friends from years past, friends and family I won't see this Christmas, girlfriends who have migrated all over the country, a girlfriend from high school whose political point of view has diverged from mine. But we were best friends in the fifth grade and stayed close all through high school, even when she was the pretty popular one, and I was the one who only managed to get a date for the senior prom because there was someone I could ask--a neighbor's nephew from Germany.

There are presents to send back to Detroit to my granddaughter and Jennifer, the daughter of the man I might have married and then NOT given up a daughter, as she is nearly that daughter. Christmas Eve will be with my husband's son and family, as well as his nieces and nephews and their families in New Jersey. It's a huge raucous affair, with more than 20 at a sit-down dinner, followed by a ever-more-raucous exchange of gifts (everybody brings one) that involves blind luck and a lot of horse-trading--make that stealing--in the hopes of coming away with  the gift you really want, no matter who brought it. Christmas Day involves driving back to Long Island, and making the pumpkin pies for a traditional dinner with friend we've shared Christmas Day with for the last decade. In short, I'll be occupied and have a good couple of days.

But I remember.

Lies in Adoption: You will have another child and other fallacies fed to first mothers and their adopted 'children'

Lorraine

"You will have another child and put this one behind you." Around a third of all women who surrender a child will never have another--more than half because they chose not to; the rest because they cannot get pregnant again.

"I am so sorry to tell you that your baby died right after birth." Could be true. Could be a convenient lie--who's ever going to know the difference? 

"You must forget and think of your child as dead." Not necessarily a lie, but a directive instead, an order impossible for most to follow, though some seem to come close. A priest told this to one of my friends. She found her daughter shortly after I found mine.

Adoptees: Make you voices heard! in an anonymous survey

Lorraine speaking up at a NY legislative
hearing. Not heard enough yet in Albany! 

Natural mothers and adopted people often say there is no place to make their voices heard and for the obvious reason: That is true. The generally accepted view is that adoption is just peachy, and those with an opposite view should sit down and shut up. This blog is a place to let our feelings out. Yet we can and do have different opinions about our experiences. I hear from adoptees who are quite content with their adoption, along with those who are not. (I don't hear from natural mothers who are happy with their choice, however.) Below is a way to let adopted people, through an anonymous survey, make their feelings about adoption known. Surveys like this become part of the research data about adoption, and that can be more effective than individual comments, because that way we can be dismissed as just one disgruntled individual after another!

The survey closes tomorrow! Be a doer--add to the research about adoption--and take it now before you forget. It really only takes a minute.

Tomorrow I will be back with a post about lies in adoption.

And while I have your attention, Suzanne Bachner's award-winning performance piece, The Good Adoptee, will be back in New York January 2-13. I've seen it once, and it is totally fabulous and right on the money. I'm planning to be at the matinee performance January 9. Details and link in the sidebar under the ad. See you there! Email me via forumfirstmother@gmail.com if you will be there too. Bring your copies of hole in my heart to be signed if you like. Now to the survey:

Adult Adoptees Anonymous Survey https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/ZPJ7YGH

We are seeking input from adult adoptees (18 and older) that we can share in the Winter edition of the CPFA newsletter to provide insight for our readers. The link https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/ZPJ7YGH will direct you to a brief survey.  The survey is for adult adoptees only, it is anonymous, and will only take a few minutes to complete. The survey will close on December 12th. If you are an adult adoptee, we would appreciate your participation, and ask that you forward it to others you think would be willing to participate. If you do not fit the criteria, please share the link with adult adoptees you know. Please contact Janet Pollio at info@cpfanj.org with any questions.

Dear World: Acknowledge the loss of a child to adoption

Lorraine

The widow can open cry for a partner who is lost.

The parent of a child who dies receives sympathy and understanding.

A mother who loses a child to war in some country on the other side of the world is acknowledged and honored.

In the natural order of life when our parents predecease us, or a sibling dies, we are allowed to grieve in public.

Airlines offer lower fares to those flying to funerals. Printed cards can be found for the above. Friends and family send condolences, flowers, perhaps even a casserole. If one openly cries in public, no one will tell her that she has to "get it together" and stop her bawling, for it's all right to be sad. In fact, it is appropriate and even expected. Sympathy for the loss abounds.

Yet not for us. Not for birth mothers, first mothers, biological mothers who give up their children.

Did my daughter die at Jonestown? and other tales from a mother's worry about her adopted children

Some of the 909 people who died at Jonestown 11/18/78

News accounts of the 40th anniversary of the Jonestown mass suicides where a third of the 909 people killed were children reminded me of my fear that my daughter Rebecca was among the dead. Jim Jones a megalomaniac and charismatic leader of the Peoples Temple, a cult with services in San Francisco, established a commune in Guyana. Among the inhabitants were children placed by foster care workers in San Francisco with Peoples Temple families. My daughter was born in San Francisco just 12 years before the massacre and placed by county social workers in foster care.

The promise of a stable two-parent in adoption home is not a guarantee

Jane

Many of us in contemplating adoption for our unborn child envisioned a home that we wished we had. I know I did. A devoted mother and father, just one or no siblings, having my own room.

My parents divorced when I was 15 but were emotionally separated for years before that. I envied the girls whose fathers drove them to school when the temperature was below freezing, which was frequent in Chicago winters, fathers who took them to movies, who were just there, unlike my father who was rarely around. In mid-century, it was, if not a disgrace, at least an embarrassment not to have an active father in the home. We were told to be raised in a "broken home" was a recipe for failure. I had four siblings and had to share a room with an older sister. My mother was 36 when I was born, at least a decade older than my friends' mothers, and to me old-fashioned in her dress and hairstyle. She was a teacher at a public high school and did her best--something I did not appreciate for many years--but school clothes from Sears was all she could afford, unlike my classmate clothed by Marshall Field.

Father denies son what he needs--his original birth certificate; Dean Skelos--who fought OBC access--going to jail for corruption

Dean Skelos and son, Adam 

Adoptee Adam Skelos suffered from classic Primal Wound symptoms; he abused drugs and couldn't hold a job. He abandoned his wife and his two autistic children. His father, former New York State Senate majority leader, Republican Dean Skolos, 70, stepped in to help by trading on his  power in Albany to bury or push legislation favorable to businesses that gave his son $300,000 for a patchwork of no-show or low-show jobs, and offered support for Adam's wife and children.

'Bull' deals honestly with adoption and feeling 'disconnected'

Lorraine

Last night I caught a few moments of Bull, about a trial consultant who takes on hard cases of course, it's a TV show. What he seems to do best is figure out how to pick and work the jury. Bull consults on jury selection or voir dire, a phrase I love using and saying. It rolls off the tongue most pleasantly. When I tuned in, about 20 minutes to the end of the show, a distinguished black man in an expensive suit and with a nice wife is being railroaded for a murder he did not commit.

But the DA had DNA. A match. Bull gets the DA to agree to 15 to life, if the suspect will plead guilty. He has 24 hours to decide. The man, a doctor from what I gleaned, is there with his wife, protesting total innocence....Of course we believe him--it's a TV show about protecting the innocent, right?

Fade to the morning. Bull goes into his office and finds two of his assistants have been there all night working. One says, Dr. X said something about feeling "disconnected" and so I came to the office and spent the night looking....

Deported Parents May Lose their Children to Adoption. Who's surprised? We are not.

Lorraine

In the last couple of days, a heart-wrenching story about a little girl named Alexa who had been separated from her mother by U.S. immigration authorities at the border crossing into Texas has popped up. She was just two--28 months old--at the time she and her mother were separated; the mother says she was forced to sign away her rights to her daughter. More than a year would pass before Alexa was reunited with her mother. Adoption came into the picture--of course--through the notorious Bethany Christian Services who, not surprisingly, placed her with a couple who ultimately wanted to adopt Alexa.

This sounds like the same old story we've written about before: Separate a child from his or her mother, find a willing couple, and soon enough, the couple wants to keep the child permanently. It's an  old story.

In this case, the girl's natural mother, Araceli Ramos Bonilla, was back in El Salvador without her daughter within ten weeks of arriving at the

So if Roe is overturned? What happens to women who give up a child? In contrast to women who have an abortion.

Dusky's jacket photo on Birthmark
1979 

What happens to a woman when she is coerced--by society or circumstance--to relinquish a child to adoption?

Even though I know a significant number of these women do not wish reunion, a fact that was foreign to me but I've heard from enough adoptees to accept its reality--let's look at the emotional damage that the act of losing a child this way leaves in its wake. I'm fearful that if Judge Brett Kavanaugh is confirmed by the Senate--and he may well be--Roe v. Wade is in serious trouble. He's called the right for a woman to control her own reproductive system "settled law," which sounds comforting, but as far as I know, he's never added that Roe was "correctly decided," which apparently is key. In fact, I think he's likely to be the pivotal fifth vote on the Supreme Court that would overturn Roe, and give Trump's base what they are so anxious to have: control of women's bodies.

So with Roe in jeopardy--and already had to get in seven states that only one one legal abortion clinic--let's examine what happens to women who lose a child via adoption.

Once again women's voices ignored as Kavanaugh goes slippen' and sliden' to the Supreme Court. SNAFU.

Dusky testifying at a NY legislative
 hearing on sealed records in 2014

This was going to be a blog only about what will happen to the women who end up with a forced pregnancy if Roe V. Wade is rolled back by the anti-women's rights judges Trump and the Republicans are sending to the Supreme Court. One more vote there and Roe is toast--just as Trump promised on the campaign trail. The blog in question was written more than a week ago when technical difficulties swallowed it. (I will get to that later.)

Life then intervened (related to the ankle issue, getting two new-to-us vehicles that do not aggravate said ankle, a local political commotion we are involved in, and finally, relatives visiting for the weekend which provided a welcome respite from the aforementioned political firestorm) and here I am. But so much has changed since then with the allegations of basically a fumbling, attempted rape by a drunken, 17-year-old Brett Kavanaugh. The incident occurred 36 years ago, and so there's not enough for a conviction, but his actions do speak to the character of the man who would be on our highest court.

The question that never goes away: Who do we tell we are first/birth mothers?

Lorraine

When do you tell strangers that you are mother of a child who was adopted--and then make them understand what you mean? That you are not the adoptive mother that statement might lead them to assume. You are the "other mother."

One would think that for me at least this question would be settled--after all, I wrote two books and more than three dozen magazine pieces, opeds, letters, etc. over the decades I've been involved in unsealing records for adoptees. So one might think I'd spill my story at any possible opening. Not so. Once in a while I meet someone who wants to know if I am "that Lorraine Dusky," and well, yes I am. Done and out.

But mostly I'm like everybody else, juggling this piece of information as a gauge what the response might me--mild

Review: Gus Van Sant's film about John Callahan doesn't shy away from adoption theme

John Callahan

Don't miss director and producer Gus Van Sant's new bio-pic about cartoonist John Callahan, Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot. A story of loss and redemption. Callahan's witty and sardonic cartoons were an armor to protect himself from the pain of two immutable disabilities, adoption as an infant, and quadriplegia when he was 21. He told everyone who would listen: "Here's the four things I know about my mother: She was unmarried, she was Irish American, she was a teacher, and she didn't want me.

Born in 1951 in Portland, Oregon, he was placed in a convent home, adopted a few months later, and raised in The Dalles, a small town 80 miles east of Portland. He never fit in with his adoptive family.

A first/birth mother on opening the door to her child after secrecy ruled her life

A comment too good to leave as simply a comment that will be shared with more people if I make it a full post. It's too good to not share widely:

Lisa WarderAugust 8, 2018 at 1:53 PM

My family did not know that I had a child that I relinquished. My other children did not know. Very few of my closest friends knew. When the call came that my son was searching for me, I hesitated for an instant. And then I opened the door to this young man who carried a burden his entire life. He thought he was unwanted, unloved, and all alone in the world. He had parents who loved him dearly, gave him all that they had to offer but it still wasn't enough. I too carried a burden. A burden of regret and shame. An unbearable sense of loss. The best thing in my life has been to say "yes" to my first born. No matter what it has cost me, it has cost him more. I would encourage every first mother to say yes to your child. 

Amen. That about says it all, right? --lorraine 

Slate's "Prudence" gets adoption all wrong; advice columnist ignorant about adoption--again

Daniel Mallory Ortberg
aka Prudence

Daniel Mallory Ortberg, the 32-year-old child of evangelical pastors, spews advice under the name "Prudence" in Slate Magazine. His skill as a writer -- nothing more --qualifies him to dig into the human heart and mind, and thus he's an advice columnist at Slate. Ortberg is not married and has no children. He transitioned from female and says he identifies as queer but has dated women. Nonetheless, Ortberg, aka Prudence, has no problem telling a women who identifies herself as "What Do I Owe Her?" who had just been found by the daughter surrendered to adoption over 30 years earlier that  "you do not need to tell her anything and, in fact I'm inclined to think you shouldn't have any further communication with her." (Emphasis his)

What Do I Owe Her? explains that the daughter is the product of years of sexual abuse by her half brother. She says she feels nothing for the girl and doesn't want a relationship. She concludes with "I have told no one in my current life about my past. You are the only one I can tell."

Analysis: Three Identical Strangers separated at birth for a social experiment now in theaters!

"Disaster," "havoc,""pathology," "harmful" were words that peppered the language of a disgruntled, staunch opponent of unsealing the birth records of the adopted when I testified in favor of doing just that. The year was 1976, the place was the capital of New York, Albany, and the venue was a joint Senate-Assembly hearing titled: Sealed Adoption Records and Identity. I was there with Florence Fisher, founder of the Adoptees Liberty Movement Association, Betty Jean Lifton, and a few others.

When I'd spoken a few minutes before this old guy who used the language above, had made audible, disgusted noises that were heard throughout the chamber. Who was this rude asshole? Now that he was speaking, I learned he was the attorney, Shad Polier, representing the Louise Wise Agency in New York. And yes, one of the adoption agencies who were fighting unsealing records with an iron fist.