' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: "Adoption Reform?" Not really. Just the same old story


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Friday, November 7, 2008

"Adoption Reform?" Not really. Just the same old story

I sent the following today to Adoption-News-Service, which supposedly is about "adoption reform," as it states on the bottom.

"Could you please enlighten me as to how this announcement--which I seem to have received six times already--relates to 'adoption reform'? It has nothing to do with 'adoption reform.' It has to do with adoption. If I continue to get these kinds of emails, what is the point of being on this list?"

If others agree with me, please leave a note here--and then respond to them directly. I've had it with these noxious invitations to help adopters deal with the "challenging process that feels like an emotional roller coaster." I seriously doubt they want me to show up, and talk about my daughter's difficulties, her adoptive mother's seeming actual dislike of Jane, the various symptoms of neurotic behavior that show up with greater frequency among adopted people. See Adoptees More Likely to be Troubled in Time magazine. Bring this up at a conference about adoption, as I did last year, and you will be hushed almost immediately.

I understand that prospective adopters have real issues and fears to deal with--this child is after all, not carrying their DNA and who knows what that could mean!--but please, do firstmothers want to be reminded of this? Walk in our shoes for a day. Maybe Adoption News Service could send out invitations to all on their list to attend group therapy sessions for women and teenagers considering giving up their children for adoption.


Email: Adoption-News-Service@yahoogroups

In a message dated 11/06/08 19:01:10 Eastern Standard Time, Adoption-News-Service@yahoogroups.


Thursday November 13, 2008
7:00 pm - 8:30 pm
JCC of Manhattan, 76th and Amsterdam Ave

Adopting a child can be a challenging process that feels like an emotional roller coaster. JCCA’s Ametz Adoption Program PRE-ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP is there to help future parents navigate the waiting period in a warm and supportive environment with others struggling with similar challenges.

The experienced group leader, and adoptive mother herself, really understands both the practical and psychological demands of adoption.

Come share experiences and get answers with someone who not only knows that success is absolutely attainable, but can provide the guidance and support to make the wait easier.

If you have any questions or would like to register for one of these groups, please call JCCA at 212-558-9949 or visit our website www.jccany.org/ametz to register. We look forward to your joining us.


  1. Adoption reform? Ain't no such thing.

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  3. Denise, your complaint about this post went out on ANS today. I too was annoyed by getting that same post so many times; once would have been more than enough. I hope Pam will not send these out in the future, or at least limit them.

    "Maybe", what do you mean there is no such thing as adoption reform? That comes as news to those of us who have been involved in adoption reform for years. Perhaps you are one who wants adoption abolished, not reformed. You may want that, and settle for nothing less,but it isn't going to happen.

    Adoption needs to be controlled; mae ethical, transparent and honest; it needs to be a last resort and happen only when it really is the lesser evil in individual circumstances, and it needs to be open, with enforceable openness. That in itself is a daunting enough task in the real world, but it is one I believe will be possible eventually. I do not see abolishing all adoption as a realistic possibility.

  4. Mairaine wrote, "adoption needs to be controlled; made ethical, transparent and honest; it needs to be a last resort and happen only when it really is the lesser evil in individual circumstances, and it needs to be open, with enforceable openness. That in itself is a daunting enough task in the real world, but it is one I believe will be possible eventually. I do not see abolishing all adoption as a realistic possibility."

    I never said ALL adoption should be abolished. But I also think your opinion, above, is held by a miniscule number of adoptive parents. The reformers will never be able to defeat the billions of dollas made in the private adoption industry, and the industry is the driving force in adoption practice and legislation. Openess and tranparency would only serve to reduce the number of adoptions because the corruption would be impossible to hide. They'll never allow that.

    So as much as I like your stated values about adoption, I'll stand by my original statement - no such thing as adoption reform. Most adoptive parents are happy with the status quo, and the agencies absolutely LOVE the profits. Where's the incentive for reform?

  5. Glad you wrote the list and asked them to stop. It also annoyed me.

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  7. In the event mairaine doesn't revisit this blog, I'll respond to improper adoptee's question. Maraine is indeed a birthmother who I know personally. She's been involved in adoption reform/open records here in NJ for as long as I've been a member of the birthmother sisterhood. In fact, she founded one of the first birthmother support groups I knew of about 30 years ago.

    And Mairaine made a valid point. While most of the FMF community agrees that adoption sucks--I've been saying for years that it's become a four letter word to me--there are, unfortnately, circumstances where it's indeed the last resort, and the most logical alternative.

  8. Thanks Linda,

    No secret who I am really, just my lack of skill with computers that I ended up with a different name here. I am not an adoptive parent.Far from it.

    But I do not see all adoptive parents as bad or as our enemies. Some of them do support ethical adoption, like the ones who founded Ethica, or work for open records and truly open adoption. Adoptive parents, like birthparents and adoptees, come in all kinds, good and bad. They are not all against us or supportive of "anything to get a kid" adoption corruption.

    I do not like to see any group of people the target of mindless prejudice, adoptive parents included. But I would be the first to go after anyone who DOES support corrupt adoption practices. It just is not that simple as "us against them".

    Nor do I think we should just give up on adoption reform because it is difficult and slow.What worthy cause is not?


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