Monday, December 7, 2009

Why I Still Love Find My Family


Back to Find My Family because the show has certainly struck a nerve with lots of grumbling that it doesn't give adoptive parents the air time they deserve because they are the ones who bandaged the knees, did the late night emergency room runs, etc. We know, we have heard that before. We understand that adoptive parents did what we were not able to do: raise our children.

We know that many of the people who raise our children can't even talk about us as more than a "birth canal" and the "woman who labored my son."  We have seen those references, the first at RainbowKids.com and the second in a book called Wanting A Child (apparently anybody's child will do).

But folks, Find My Family is not about how noble it is to adopt because there are so many children who need homes, a questionable premise regular readers of FirstMotherForum are aware of. The ABC reality show is about the fact that simply obliterating a person's identity because he/she was adopted by a new family and given a second identity does not work! Thus the tears, thus the running up the hill to the family tree to meet the person or people who give back an identity that was lost, thus the emotions running high.

Reality all right.

Yes, I know, I can hear people clucking in the background that not every adoptee wants to search, and not every adoptee feels "incomplete" with knowing his or her identity, and to them I ask: Why Not? What makes them cut themselves off from their past, or the search for their past? Isn't it just a little weird to have your slate wiped clean at whatever age you were adopted and have the world tell you--what happened before doesn't matter? Isn't not wanting to know unnatural? Curiosity is normally seen as a sign of intelligence, but when an adopted persons asks Who am I? it is often interpreted as a sign of pathology.

Anybody thinking clearly realizes this is total baloney, the result of years of brain-washing by a culture that views adoption as a pure good, not complicated by the messy emotions of a grieving birth mother and a child who grows up confused. But adoption is painful. Adoption is always painful. The healing can only truly begin with full and complete knowledge of one's story, one's heritage, one's cultural and familial identity.

Yet in 42 states of the nation, it is still not legally possible for an adopted person--of any age--to say, Hey, you know, I want to know who I really am. I want to know what my story is. I want to know who my mother is and why she gave me away. And by the way, I want to know who my father is, too. Did he even know I was born? Was I given away because something is wrong with me?

Only six states allow individuals adopted as children access to their records: Alabama, Alaska, Kansas, New Hampshire, Maine, and Oregon. Delaware and Tennessee place restrictions on this information at the request of the birth parent (though only a minuscule number do this); numerous other states have various kinds of limitations that prevent individuals from freely having this information simply by asking for it. We are talking about letting adults have the same rights as the rest of us: the right to know from whence we came.

Getting the legislation passed to let the fresh wind of truth into an adopted person's life has proven incredibly difficult--and though I hate to say it because of the hackles this will raise, it's often an adopted parent who blocks the legislation. Weird, wouldn't you say? If they love their kids so much, wouldn't they want them to be free? Adoption then is more about ownership than our culture admits. The counterpoint to this is Lou D'Alessandro, the adoptive father and legislator who was the driving force behind the legislation that opened up New Hampshire and gave adopted individuals the right to have their original birth certificates.

In New Jersey right now, the Assembly Speaker Joe Roberts (see sidebar here for call to action) is sitting on legislation despite approval by the Senate in a 31-7 vote and the support of 50+ (of the 80) Assembly members. In New York The Adoptee Bill of Rights has been stalled in Codes Committee by the Speaker of the Assembly Sheldon Silver since 2006, even though it has 70 sponsors.

What will it take to move hearts and minds not only in New Jersey and New York but in every state of the nation that punishes people for the privilege of being adopted? If it is Find My Family, we are all for it. --lorraine

30 comments:

Lori said...

Lorraine, I think tha fear is a major motivator in adoption. This fear is built in when the agency warns "don't give information or the birthmother may want to come back for her child" - you do see the double entende yes? - So, the initial lie becomes lies and then as the child grows the lies grow.

By the time a child is truly ready to face the person that gave them life, or persons when the father is included, the adoptive parents are terrified that all the lies will come out. The smart ones say that they only told them what they were told or simply say they were told nothing. The rest panic. They run in all directions at once, fearing that the lies they told, that the agency told, that were passed off as truth to these children, would come back and tear away any veneer of familiness that is left.

No offense, but the majority of people who adopt do not go into it for the right reasons, but for every reason that they should not adopt. Infertility. That's the biggy. It is almost a mantra to a person seeking a child of their own. Thousands are paid out to doctors to help infertile couples, very little is paid out to help those same couples face the fact that they will never have little mini-me's out there, ever.

Then there is the self-righteous - you all know who you are - who think they are helping someone by taking an "unwanted" child into your home and treating the child "like they are their very own".

These reasons and many more are heaped up on the child. "We adopted because we knew we could love a child" or "we chose you because you were perfect and you were always a part of our family".

All of this, told lovingly to a child that only hears "you have to be perfect and no one else loves or wants you". This creates, in those that are so eager to please, a fear that if they want to search or love a First Parent, then they are evil or that they can't love both.

So, yes, it is unnatural to refuse to look or not want to know who your roots come from. It is sad. It is pitiful and it is real.

Children who have no connection to their past often suffer from RAD (reactive attachment disorder) that is a lifelong struggle for the child. They also, almost to a man as it is said, suffer from PTSD. Unfortunately, because the adopted person is unaware or afraid to admit to the causes, very few seek help dealing with these issues.

I just wish that adoptive parents would realize that when it comes to reunion, it is not up to them to give blessings, permission or anything else. They claim to love these children/adults and yet many use that "love" to keep them in the horrendous holding pattern that has been their lives. Reunion is about a natural parent or parents and a adult/child. About finding out about each other.

If they truly did love these adult/children, they would encourage and hold their hands when things go haywire because of intense emotions and get over themselves. Unfortunately, almost all of the ones I have ever met - NOT ALL - make it about them. Their need to control, be the boss, the mommy and daddy.

Truly sad.

maryanne said...

Can't we advocate for adoptee rights without insulting and demeaning adoptees who are not curious and do not wish to search?
Isn't it a choice, not a mandate?

If searching is a choice and you advocate for that choice, just like with abortion, you must accept that individuals are going to make that choice in a way you might not understand or approve.

Adoptees should absolutely have the freedom and right to get their original birth certificate, and the freedom to search, but they should also have the freedom not to search and not be called less intelligent, brainwashed, or any number of other insults.

Lori said...

Maryanne, Yes, we can advocate for adopted persons rights. Absolutely. I have one question though. If we, the First Parents, are advocating for their right to know everything about us, who is advocating for our right to know what happened?

You can't have it both ways. You can't say "I have the right to know everything (because as you know with a child's birth certificate comes it has the natural parents full names and birthdates) about us, but you are damned because you made a hard choice so you don't get the same rights"

Where is it written that because we are First Mothers and Fathers that we don't have a right to know what happened to OUR children. Yes, yes, I know, the mommy is the one that wiped your nose. Sure, I think that is wonderful. But that does not take away from our genetic right to know what happens to our offspring.

Have you not paid attention to the news? People are put in jail for giving the embryos of one couple to another. You do realize that all people start out that way, embryos. That the reason they are put in jail are because they "stole" or "sold" those embryos. Hmmmmm......

Maryanne, I think that all people should have the right to the information regarding their genetic families - whether they are the parents or the children.

But to say you just want a medical history, your real birthcertificate, etc., I don't buy it. First, a medical history is, under the HIPA (sp?) laws, private information. Also, I have yet to meet an Adopted Person that stops at a medical history. Not once. While I personally am glad - I love my daughter very much and have offered to help her get any information she wants - I know a lot of women out there that while they want to know, they need the chance to take baby steps too.

You are asking that it be totally and absolutely about one person, the adopted person, and the fact is, it is about three people. The First Mother, First Father and the Adopted Person. That is the point of the post - not whether or not someone should or should not look.

Searching is now and alway has been a personal decision. This is true. But when starting a search for, or asking for personal information, would it not be respectful to allow that person the opportunity to choose to give it to you?

Anonymous said...

To what Maryanne said, word.

Little Snowdrop

maryanne said...

To clarify my previous comment, it is lousy when adoptees who do not want to search speak out against open records for all adoptees because of their personal lack of interest. That's not right. Just as it is not right for mothers who do not want to be found to insist on state "protection".

But some non-searching adoptees still support adoptee rights to their OBC on principle, and some just quietly do not search, but do not try to prevent others from doing so, and that is fine with me.How people conduct their personal lives is their own business.

And no, Lori, all adoptees do not suffer from PTSD or attachment disorders. Some do, but not most.

triona said...

Lori, I agree with your comments. There is a whole lot of fear in adoption, which would not be there if there was honesty and transparency in the process. Certainly my adoptive parents were terrified by my search--afraid I would discover their lies. And I did, and it destroyed our family.

Maryanne, I agree with you that the choice whether to obtain records and/or search must lie with the individual adoptee. But I have to wonder how many have had that choice taken from them. Because being adopted is indeed a bit like being brainwashed. I don't mean that as an insult. I'm just saying that being bombarded with these implicit messages from society that we were "chosen", that we have to be "perfect", that asking will upset our adoptive parents... for many years I believed I had no right to know. I have heard many searching adoptees say, "I didn't look until my adoptive parents died because I didn't want to hurt them." It makes me wonder, if the need to know one's origins was common knowledge and commonly acknowledged, would there be fewer adoptees not wanting to know? Would adoptive parents be more accepting of such questions?

Anonymous said...

I am adopted. For years during my childhood, my birthmother called my house with strange and inappropriate requests. My mother gave her the telephone number out of kindness. She is religious. I am a happy agnostic. I have not been brainwashed into thinking I should not contact her. In fact, my family has always encouraged me to be myself and find my history. I am myself. I am a photographer in New York and I recently graduated from NYU. I have no interest in her. I don't know her. I don't have a strange tickle or "natural desire" to meet her. If this forum is for venting, I will vent that I was incredibly upset when she called my school and asked for my contact information. Sorry- I have first class private education and approach life with an enthusiastic curiosity. I don't want to meet my birthmother and I am glad that lawmakers are protecting me. It is offensive to imply that this polite request, to be left alone, is the result of brainwashing.

ElaineP said...

Yes Triona, a lot of adoptions are like being brainwashed! Most adoptees, if you look for your birth family, you're insulting your adoptive parents -- if you're curious, if you want to know where you came from, who you're similar to, you're ungrateful to the people who raised you. It is (not always, but mostly, I think) brain-washing.

We grow up thinking one thing and then find out that it's all lies. It's mind-boggling. To think just because we were pre-verbal that nothing before our adoption mattered is absolute stupidity.

To me, closing off my info before I was adopted makes about as much sense as saying everything that happened before I was issued a marriage certificate didn't happen also.... You can't change what happened with a stroke of the pen.

I am so thrilled that adoption issues are finally coming to public awareness.

*Peach* said...

Words can't express the validation I feel (and inner turmoil and saddness stirred) every time I watch "Find my Family". For the first time on big-time t.v. adoptee's "reality" is being shown. It is amazing and wonderful to finally be heard and not be kept in a box.

Katie Lund said...

Find My Family, I only caught about the last 15 mins. of the show, since it was about Birthparents (from the town I grew up in) searching for their bithdaughter, which they did reunite with. I am a Birthmother she is now 25 and I went thru open adoption, and now married with 2 adopted children, 4 & 6, the birthparents rights were terminated.

What got me about the show was how the birthparents stated how sorry they were and afraid the "BD" would not forgive them. I thought back to when I was pregnant at 18 and if I was watching that show. I had so many people, family and on wanting me to keep my baby. I wondered would I be thinking "Oh, how can I do this if she will never forgive me??" Yes, I realize everyones journey is a personal experience and I cried endless tears before and after the process. I found this show giving a sad message, not only to the birthdaughter but to her adoptee parents. What kind of message is being sent to a woman trying to make what was the hardest decision of my life, "Will she ever forgive me??"

Yes, it's a "reality show" and drama whether true or not will be a part of it!! Someday If my children choose to want to find their birthparents, we will be there with all the support they need. The records will be closed until 18, but we would be able to find them, I already know enough and have sent pictures and a letter with a P.O. Box, though no return communication on their end, and I understand.

Is it "weird" that an adopted child/adult does not want to know their birthparents?? Who are we to make that judgement?? My BD, has 4 other adopted siblings, with adopted parents who have been open with all their children from as young as they could understand. The oldest (closed adoption), 28 has no interest in finding out about her birthparents and I respect her right.

What I believe is the public has to be educated. Also, I refuse to get caught up in all the "political correctness"! We will always be open. Did we try to get pregnant first, yes and God had other plans. We went as far as realizing I was too old to get pregnant and stopped there. I think it cost us about a small co-pay, can't remember. Do we tell our kids they are "special, chosen, we're the only ones they need to know about" no. We tell them we have all been blessed, but mostly in my heart I feel we, the parents have been blessed. When questions pop up by our kids or from others we answer them.

No matter what the circumstances, even with my open adoption, it has been a rollercoaster ride, but I would not change a thing. It is a new coaster as we are white parents raising two beautiful black children (which is another whole story), we will do our best and God will provide. That's it! I have my own reality show right here!!

Katie Lund

Lori said...

Maryanne, when you restated, you stated what I said, just your own way. Very cool. The idea is real. But it is just as real on the other side of the coin. After all, none of us have the right to deny access, not really. But the idea is that both adopted persons and first mother/father should have the option regarding how much and when.

As for PTSD, well, I don't think everyone has PTSD, I think that the issues that seem to pop during reunion are part of PTSD - sorry, clinically they actually do look like the classic etiology. That is not a bad thing, just a normal thing.

I don't know if you are an adopted person or first mother, but I do know that I have seen a lot of anger and most of it directed at the other real victim in this nightmare.

I agree with Triona in the choice must be up to the individual. Also that adoption should be a transparent event - no secrets or lies.

Believe it or not the option to search is much like abortion. ***And no, I am not pro or against abortion, I am for a woman making her own choice.*** The choice to look or not, to allow contact or not, is individual, up to the persons involved. Not the government or the agencies or industry, or even adoptive parents, it is soley up to the individuals.

I am firmly for a searchable state registry for every state where a parent or child may post their information and by posting that information agree to contact. Failure to post your information implying no contact. One that can be done on the internet or by mail. That way all this fighting over things like who wants to search, who doesn't, etc. etc. etc., becomes moot.

It is the adopted person's choice to search. It is the first mother/father's choice to search - the rest of us should stay out of it.

But I also see a lot of adopted persons terrified that they will hurt their parents and so they want to search and don't. Then, when they do it is too late.

The variables are so great, no law can cover all the "maybes" or as they lawyers call it "eventualities". Simply because no adoption situation is exactly the same.

Too many lies, too many people trying to be heard and not listening.

Yes, Maryanne, the choice should not be left to the few. It is not their right to make a choice for others.

Robin Nelson said...

Just catching up after three decades or so ago, watching a procession of young girls to the altar for first communion at a church in Quito, Ecuador. Someone standing next to me was quietly crying. I found it a little hard to understand then, but I do now.

Michelle said...

Anon wrote: "I don't want to meet my birthmother and I am glad that lawmakers are protecting me."


How are the lawmakers protecting you?

maryanne said...

Lori, for your information since you do not know, I am a mother who surrendered a son born in 1968. I guess you have not read previous posts where I referred to my son too carefully if you don't know I am a birthmother:-) No, we do not all think alike! I think adoption is in dire need of reform, but am not anti-adoption and do not think it can or should be abolished.

I have been involved in adoption reform groups since 1976, about as long as Lorraine. I knew Lorraine back in the day, and was one of the founding members of Concerned United Birthparents, the first mother's group for adoption reform.

I found my son when he was very young, but he showed no interest at all until around 2002 when he sent me his wedding web page. We have met once, dinner with him and his wife in 2004, and have a sporadic email only relationship. My son would probably not have searched, but I don't know since I showed up and deprived him of the choice, and inadvertantly complicated his life as a teen living with a mentally unbalanced adoptive mother, which I did not know until years later.

He was not "brainwashed" and in fact cut off all contact with his adoptive mother and family after his Dad died when my son was in his 20s. I believe he is wary of me because he has a bad image of "mother". He is a bright, compassionate, decent and successful man; he turned out ok in spite of it all. So that is a very brief account of my personal story.

I have known many adoptees, birthparents, and adoptive parents over the years, and do not see them as all alike. To me adoption has many areas of grey, not just the black and white some people see.

I used to be very angry and bitter, but that got me nowhere but around a spiral of misery and self-pity. In recent years I have become much more moderate in many of my views, and some people in adoption neither like nor understand that. But for me, it has brought peace and balance.

I believe in seeing both sides of adoption and other issues, and looking at things logically, not emotionally, when dealing with issues like legislation. Being reunited with my son, however tentatively, has meant a great deal to me, and healed a lot of the pain.

I have three other sons I have raised, and am married. My surrendered son and the ones I raised know all about each other but show no interest in contact.

My surrendered son and I have many things in common, and some things very different. We both love cats and books. I am proud of all my sons, and think they are great guys.

I hope that gives you and others who do not know me a better picture of who I am.

Angelle said...

Find My Family is a wonderful show because it puts a human face on all of us in the adoption triad. It also has opened up conversation with my son about his need to have me in his life. His amom has also watched the show, I am sure from a different perspective.

There are 5 adoptions in my son's afamily and he is the only one to search. I have feared that he would be told something to the effect of "what's wrong with you, why are you hurting amom."

My son is feeling the need to pull away emotionally from his amom, she is being that difficult. The sad part is that seeing her issues may stop the other adoptees in his family, including his asister, from ever searching.

Lorraine, love your quote in the NY Times article!

Anonymous said...

I think Maryanne made an important point when she drew attention to those non-searching adoptees who support adoptees rights to the OBC on principle.

Like her, I find no fault with those who choose (for whatever reasons of their own) not to search, but who recognize that a person's right to their original identity is a fundamental human and civil right, and don't try to screw up searching for theirs.

There are also many adopted people who already have all their documents and information, and who nevertheless continue to work ceaselessly for equal justice for their fellow adoptees, because they know it's the right thing to do.

I do think it's mean spirited as well as counterproductive to berate those who don't want to search, and imply that they are deficient or incomplete human beings. It's really just slagging off at the mouth at them because they aren't conforming to the desired behavior.

I agree with Lori that all people deserve to have knowledge of their genetic families, but I think that putting the main focus on reunion conflates the issues and obscures the injustice that is being done to adopted people by denying them the right to their OBCs and personal history - which is a civil and human right, enjoyed by every citizen EXCEPT adoptees.

However, I disagree with her about the point of the post. which she says is about three people, the first parents and the adoptee.
The message that I took away from Lorraine's post was IMO implicit in her summation - that if "Find my Family" helps end the discrimination meted out to adopted people, it has Lorraine's blessing.
Lorraine wrote, "What will it take to move hearts and minds not only in New Jersey and New York but in every state of the nation that punishes people for the privilege of being adopted? If it is Find My Family, we are all for it."

Little Snowdrop

Lorraine Dusky said...

Robin, yes, my daughter was a deep dark secret on that trip...leave your contact information.

Anonymous said...

I don't accept that being adopted is the same as being 'brainwashed', though I understand what it is that lead Triona to make the comparison. It's kind of like an alternative reality thing.

However, I do think that keeping adoption records closed is identity theft - and I also feel very strongly that it sets a dangerous precedent for the rights of all. As MLK said "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

Triona wondered if the need to know one's origins was common knowledge and commonly acknowledged, there would there be fewer adoptees who didn't want to know. And if adoptive parents would be more accepting.

I think so.
But, since I can only talk to my own experience, my son, with whom I'm reunited, was adopted and raised in the UK where adoption records have been open to adopted adults since 1975.
He waited 20 years, until 1995, shortly after the birth of his daughter, to search. And he is most *certainly* not 'brainwashed' in any respect. In fact he is one of the most curious and interested people I know. He simply waited until he felt the time was right for him.

OTOH I do think it would take the pressure off for adoptees if it was generally accepted and understood that access to their records and OBCs was their natural and civil right.
Wingeing a-parents of the ''But what if it destroys our cosy little family?" school would just have to get with it. And they would, because it is social familiarity that is primarily responsible for
changing public opinion about whether a practice is acceptable or not.

Anonymous said...

I don't accept that being adopted is the same as being 'brainwashed', though I understand what it is that lead Triona to make the comparison. It's kind of like an alternative reality thing.

However, I do think that keeping adoption records closed is identity theft - and I also feel very strongly that it sets a dangerous precedent for the rights of all. As MLK said "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

Triona wondered if the need to know one's origins was common knowledge and commonly acknowledged, there would there be fewer adoptees who didn't want to know. And if adoptive parents would be more accepting.

I think so.
But, since I can only talk to my own experience, my son, with whom I'm reunited, was adopted and raised in the UK where adoption records have been open to adopted adults since 1975.
He waited 20 years, until 1995, shortly after the birth of his daughter, to search. And he is most *certainly* not 'brainwashed' in any respect. In fact he is one of the most curious and interested people I know. He simply waited until he felt the time was right for him.

OTOH I do think it would take the pressure off for adoptees if it was generally accepted and understood that access to their records and OBCs was their natural and civil right.
Wingeing a-parents of the ''But what if it destroys our cosy little family?" school would just have to get with it. And they would, because it is social familiarity that is primarily responsible for
changing public opinion about whether a practice is acceptable or not.

Little Snowdrop

Anonymous said...

Michelle wrote to Anon, "How are the lawmakers protecting you?"
I'd like to know that too.
Maybe Anon can put that "first class private education" to good use and explain.

Little Snowdrop

ElaineP said...

Keeping records closed is only protecting the agencies. When the records become open - and I believe they eventually will - NO adoptee is FORCED to get their original birth certificate. It's an option. Why should we not be allowed to get our OBC because some adoptees don't want them. If you don't want it, DON'T get it.

maybe said...

Every adoptee should have access to their info, regardless of their desire, or lack of desire, to reunite. Same for natural mothers and fathers. Seems pretty simple.

maybe said...

Michelle asked, "how are the lawmakers protecting you?" in response to Anon's statemtent that "I don't want to meet my birthmother and I am glad that lawmakers are protecting me."

I would like to add to Michelle's question and ask WHY are lawmakers protecting you? There are many people I bump into on a daily basis that I really would rather not meet. There are people from high school, former co-workers, strangers at the market, etc., who I'm not really interested in getting together with.

Why should lawmakers have an interest in "protecting" any one individual from meeting another?

(Standard disclaimer: dangerous stalkers/rapists/murderers excluded).

Lori said...

Maryanne, thank you - you actually are more like me than you think, just a little farther along the road of enlightenment than I am.

As for the rest, it is a basic human right and need to know where their roots lie.

Anon 10:10 p.m., how do you know that your first mother's requests where strange or inappropriate? Do you know if your adoptive parents promised an open adoption? You are of the age when open adoption became the thing to do, so it would not surprise me.

What do you consider strange or inappropriate? A request for a picture? A visit? Those are supposed to be part of the "open" adoption. Please explain I would like to know.

You obviously are curious or you would not participate in any of these forums, it would be a matter of "not interested" and moving on.

I don't know about your parents, but my daughter's parents went totally ballastic when they discovered I was looking - even though my privacy had been violated from the moment of adoption! They had my information, including social security number, birth date, parents names, from the beginning.

So, again, Anon, I ask, why would you even bother with a forum such as this if you really aren't interested? And, in fact, why would any adoptee who is not interested participate at all? Are you afraid that OBC access will make it easy to find you? NOT! The only persons that it totally exposes are the first parents.

I don't know about my fellow first mother's but I know where to get the original birth certificate of my daughter and have offered to help her get it. Her paternal grandmother has all of it - her OBC, her baby pics, pics of her father, me and her together.

So I ask again, why would any adoptee that is not willing to search or desiring to search bother to either politically rally for sealed records - since it is only the OBC that is completely closed to an adoptee, or even bother to come to these forums?

Grace's Mom said...

I've never been on this blog before, and I must say you all seem a little out of touch with reality. It's an incredibly difficult choice to surrender your child for adoption, but it was a choice, nobody forced you to do it, so why take your anger out on the adoptive parents? You begrudging acknowledge that it's the person that actually does all of the hard and heartbreaking work of raising the child who is the parent, but still insist on thinking you should have all the rights of a mother without any of the responsibilities! Biology has NOTHING to do with being a parent. If you were capable of being a parent, you would not have relinquished your child, you can't have it both ways! If birth parents and adoptees want to find each other, and it's mutual, great! But this blog is full of delusions that the birth moms are the "real" mom. Fortunately for the children you gave birth to, there are those of us out there that don't think that a biological connection makes you a parent. Yes, I'm an adoptive parent, so the enemy, and for that reason you probably won't post this. But what I'm saying is true, nevertheless.

osolomama said...

Oh, Grace's Mom, put a cork in it. I'm an a-mom and appreciate this blog for the spectrum of readers it attracts--first mothers, adoptees, and adoptive mothers. Since you admit you just arrived here, you should read over at least the year 2009 to get a sense of what goes on here. If you stayed long enough, you might learn something. We've already digested your truisms, btw.

Sandy said...

Grace's Mom...you have so much to learn. Please do that before you make comments that in 5, 10, 20 years from now will make you cringe. Learn about adoption, the history, the reality...how society creates and perputates the myths about mothers. Start with Georgia Tann and then learn about the Baby Scoop Era and then look at the practices today...see a correlation?

BTW - adoptee from the BSE here who has two mothers, two fathers, 4 grandmothers, 4 grandfathers and many many aunts, uncles, cousins...and we adoptees are the link that unites all families.

Regards,
Sandy

Lorraine Dusky said...

Well, Grace probably will either feel that she cannot search or have a relationship or feel guilty about both one day, given the attitudes of the woman who owns her now.

Its' reading comments like that which convince me how little the world has learned about the true cost of adoption--both to the birth/first mother, and the child.

maybe said...

Grace's Mom should read blogs written by ADULT adoptees. She might find her rose-colored adoption glasses are a bit off-tint.

Mei-Ling said...

"If you were capable of being a parent, you would not have relinquished your child, you can't have it both ways!"

No one wanted to give them a CHANCE to parent.