Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Action is the sincerest form of thanks

Jane

It’s hard to be thankful when you read the nonsense coming out of celebrity-land.

“If my [twin] sons want to know about their egg donor when they are older, I will be able to show them photos. But she asked that they not have contact,” singer Ricky Martin told People.

Ricky, you burro, don’t you know that you’re consigning your boys to searching faces in shopping malls wondering if that Nordstrom shopper or that woman sipping lattes at Starbucks is their mother.

Martin goes on to tell us, “that day that Matteo and Valentino ask me why they don’t have a mother, I will explain to them that they have a father who does the work of both father and mother. That what’s makes our family unique.” Not so fast Ricky. There’s lots of single-parent families out there. Now, if the boys are clones, that would be unique. But they’re not and they have the right to know about the other half of their DNA.

Then there's singer Sheryl Crow who requested closed adoptions … because she felt it would be too tough on birth mothers to see their children grow up in magazines. Crow’s children, Wyatt Steven, 3 ½, and Levi James, 6 months, are currently on tour with Crow.

Come on, Sheryl, their birth mothers are going to figure it out pretty quick that those boys in your photos look like them. If you don’t want the boys to grow up in magazines, leave them out of the photo ops but don’t deprive the boys of their right to know their original families.

It’s been almost six decades since Jean Paton began her crusade to end closed records and to date only four states have joined Alaska and Kansas in allowing all adult adoptees to have unrestricted access to their original birth certificates. Still, there’s a lot we do have to be thankful for.

We live in a country where we have the right to petition the government for a redress of grievances. While our opponents can lie through their teeth, they cannot shut us up.

Let’s give thanks to those who led the way, Jean Paton, Florence Fisher, Betty Jean Lifton; to those who changed hearts and laws in Oregon, Alabama, New Hampshire, and Maine; and to those still fighting, Marley Greiner, Pam Hasegawa, Anita Walker Field, Mary Lynn Fuller, and many, many more.

And, as imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, action is the sincerest form of thanks. Check out Bastard Nation for the fight nearest you.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

The next Adoptee Rights Demonstration is August 8-11, 2011 at the National Council of State Legislatures in San Antonio, Texas.
See: http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/

...for more information.

Anonymous said...

"Come on, Sheryl, their birth mothers are going to figure it out pretty quick that those boys in your photos look like them."

Not necessarily. They may look like their fathers. Or even some atavistic forebear, lost in the mists of time. Physical resemblance is only part of the point.

Haigha

K said...

Egg donor? Is he talking about their mother? He is going to tell the children they don't have a mother? They have an egg donor? He must have paid that woman a lot of money to do that. This is why I am not supportive or surrogacy.

Anonymous said...

"Not necessarily. They may look like their fathers. Or even some atavistic forebear, lost in the mists of time. Physical resemblance is only part of the point..."

Which all adopters would just love. The less they look like the mother that bore them, the more they all get to live in fantasyland and pretend like she doesn't exist. I don't care if a child looks like their mother or not, they still came from her and they are still HER child.

Anonymous said...

"Which all adopters would just love."
Even if "all" Anonymouses agreed with that statement, their opinion would carry no weight because they are anonymous.

"The less they look like the mother that bore them, the more they all get to live in fantasyland and pretend like she doesn't exist."
Such an all-encompassing generalization could only be made by someone who needs to live in their own fantasy world.

"I don't care if a child looks like their mother or not, they still came from her and they are still HER child."
Not only hers. Hard though it may be for Anonymous to accept, people have fathers too.

Haigha

maryanne said...

One of the sons I raised looks much more like his father than me, to the point that when he was small, a kid on a playground asked "is that your kid? Well, he doesn't look like you." Indeed.

Kids can resemble either parent, a mix or none. One of my nieces most resembles a great-grandmother of Native American heritage, amidst blond to light brown haired brothers and parents.

Agreeing with Haiga about Anon's comments. It is false to say anything about "all adopters". And nobody is disputing that the adoptee is "still (the natural mother's) child". Just saying that does not make the child a clone, nor a source of upset to "all" adopters. Sensitive and sensible adoptive parents (yes, they do exist) know and acknowledge that their children have other original parents, and deal with it.

BD said...

Ricky Martin said THE most stupidest thing. Maybe the boys will grow up and ask why their sperm donor is such a burro.

Anonymous said...

The reason the term "egg donor" is used is because the surrogate who carried and gave birth to the twins was not their genetic mother. The eggs came from another woman, and were fertilized through IVF, and then put in the surrogate. So, their genetic mother did not give carry or give birth to them.

TrixieD said...

"Which all adopters would just love."

Thank you for your gross generalization. I guess that would be the equivalent of saying that all first mothers are irresponsible and selfish women.

I am an "adopter" and I see my child's biological mother's face in his every day. I don't want him to ever lose that link to her. And me seeing it every day reminds me what an incredible woman she is, and how much I love her for what she did, and for this beautiful boy who is now part of my life. I even love discovering the personality traits he has developed that came directly from her.

I am a bit disturbed by this article's (and blog's) general view that all first mothers have their children ripped away from them and all adopters are just waiting in the wings to abscond with their child. My child's biological mother contacted ME.

And, you generalize that all adopted children feel some crushing loss. You then assume that all children who remained with their biological families are so much better off. Not all of us were.

And, I have to say, Haigha, your comments are very well said.

Anonymous said...

I think its really sad that all adoptive parents are lumped together as being these horrid baby snatchers. As for the comments about Ricky Martin referring to an "egg donor" well its true. A woman donated eggs that were carried by a surrogate. Does that make this woman a mother?? Either of them? NO! Not all adoptive parents are horrid and not all adopted children grow up seeking their natural parents. As the adoptive mother of 5 I can attest to that. None of my kids (or me) have any way of ever finding their birth parents and none of my kids even care. To insinuate that all adoptees feel this awful sense of loss and will spend their whole lives searching starbucks for "their mothers face" is just insane. Well said Trixie D

Lorraine Dusky said...

If you anonymous come to this blog regularly you wil see that we do not lump all adoptive parents into a horrid pile, and only call some "adopters."

Several adoptive parents are regular readers and actually post wonderful comments that make us feel good about them, our children, and the world in which we live.

Robin said...

Anon 10:29 said :" None of my kids (or me) have any way of ever finding their birth parents and none of my kids even care."

Anon,
It is not possible to say this with 100% certainty. Many adoptees want to search but do not out of fear of hurting their adoptive parents. Also, many adoptees are insecure and do not like to do anything that might threaten their relationship in the adoptive home. Also, you mention that none of your kids have any way of finding the natural parents, so maybe they just feel that pursuing a search would be futile anyway so why bother. Actually, it is disturbing that none of your five children could possibly find his/her first mother in the first place. And if they could, I wonder if one or more of your children might actually care about knowing their bio-relatives. The tone of your comment sounds like you are quite happy with the status quo and maybe your adopted children are picking up on that.