Demons in Adoption

Last day to vote: Eighth Annual Demons of Adoption Awards Click on link to vote! and see previous post for our choice.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Thinking of Placing Your Baby for Adoption? Think very hard.


photo/ lamb white
Should you give your baby up for adoption? 

YOU WANT THE BEST FOR YOUR BABY AND YOU’VE HEARD THAT PLACING YOUR BABY FOR ADOPTION WITH AN OLDER, WEALTHIER COUPLE IS BEST.

The truth is according to child welfare experts that in most cases staying with you, his mother, is the best for your child.

Your body is preparing for your baby to come into the world and preparing you to care for him. Your breasts will produce antibodies to help your baby ward off disease, antibodies that he can only get from your milk. Once your baby is here, all your instincts will tell you to nurture him. In fact, your body at birth releases a hormone (oxytocin) to assure that you will bond with your baby, and be flooded with love for him.

Your baby knows your voice; your scents, your movements. When he is born, he wants to be with you.

Your baby will look like you and his father. He will share your interests and talents. He is a unique human being created from the DNA of the two of you. Adoptive parents will be strangers to him. Yes, in time he can bond with them, but it will different than if he were living with his natural family. Adoptive parents may be able to give your child more material goods--but they can’t replace you.

You may be considering adoption because you don't like, or even detest, your baby's father. We've found, though, that even mothers whose babies are conceived in rape cherish their babies and grieve for them when they are gone just as mothers whose babies are conceived in love do.  It's possible for you to work through your feelings about your baby's father and be a mother to your child.

No first time mother-to-be feels ready to nurture her child. You can prepare yourself just as adoptive parents will have to do.

You may have heard that giving up your baby will increase your chances of finishing school and having a career. Babies are demanding, but the truth is that most teen moms and their children end up doing just fine. Most find help they didn't imagine was available. It can be tough at first--but we’ve never met a single mom who regretting keeping her baby, and we've met and talked to many, many moms who regret giving up their baby. We use that language here--giving up--because that is what it is. You give up your baby, even if your social worker is talking about how brave you are for making an adoption plan so that your baby can "have a better life."

Jane
What you are probably not hearing from the social worker is that individuals who are adopted generally suffer--from the loss of their birth parents, and the loss of cultural and family connections, the loss of security of knowing they belong exactly where they are. Many struggle with issues of identity, abandonment and self-esteem all through their lives to varying degrees, even if their adoptive parents are wonderful people. They are not the people your child will grow up looking like. No matter how many times your child is told that you gave him up because you loved him, so that he could have a better life, he may feel abandoned, and that he was not "good enough to keep."

Adoptive parents are not "special" although they may appear so in adoption agency advertisements, where they are advertising themselves so they look "special" so that you will choose them. Remember, adoptive parents, like other people, may divorce, lose their jobs, have health problems, abuse alcohol and drugs.

The only person who can be sure that your child has the love and nurturing you want for your baby is you.

RESOURCES THAT CAN HELP YOU CAN RAISE YOUR BABY
Start by talking to your parents and your baby’s father’s parents. Your parents may be upset about your pregnancy, but parents often come around when they stop thinking of “the problem” and start thinking of their grandchild. If you are receiving undue pressure to relinquish your baby, you might ask your mother and father to read some of the blog postings or books by mothers who have relinquished and are not able to "get over it" and "move on" with their lives. If your parents or your baby’s father’s parents can’t help, talk to other family members, your school counselor, a favorite teacher, your clergyman. You’ll find people who want to help if you just ask.

With a trusted adult, learn about services that can help you give your child a good start in life. These include:
  • Your school district’s teen parents program.
  • Parenting classes offered by your county or state health department 
  • Women’s, Infants, and Children’s (WIC) program, offered by your county or state health department, provides nutritional foods for you and your baby at no cost to you. 
  • Medical care during your pregnancy and post partum period and medical care for your baby until age 18, through your state or county Medicaid program. 
  • Food stamps, though your county or state welfare department. 
  • Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) which provides cash assistance, job training, and day care for your child, through your county or state welfare department. While you may be embarrassed to accept welfare, remember this is a temporary program to help mothers like yourself and you may soon be off welfare and into a job or college.
  • Low cost housing through your local housing authority. 
  • Education after high school, through community colleges and four year schools which have scholarships for student parents and day care for their children. 
  • Check for resources at this government site: Family Preservation Services

Lorraine
BEFORE CONTACTING AN AGENCY OR ATTORNEY
Adoption agencies and attorneys make their money from people who want a child. Even if the agency is a non profit, it charges fees to cover salaries (often $100,000 per year for top agency officials), marketing, and office expenses. People who work in adoption are often adoptive parents, or people thinking of adopting. They may be highly ethical—although some are not--but they are looking at adoption through the eyes of someone who wants the child of another woman. It is the business they are in; you are supplying the product they deal in.

Adoption agency employees and attorneys cannot know the grief and loss you’ll feel when your child leaves your arms. While the immediate loss is the worst--those baby-love hormones are still pumping through your body--the grief lasts a lifetime. Sometimes it’s not too bad, and other times it's likely you’ll go into a deep depression. Holidays are likely to be difficult; so are family gatherings, the child's birth month, your own birthday. Giving up your child will also affect your parents, your siblings, other family members, and any children you may have in the future. However, often the loss of one child triggers so much long-lasting sorrow that the thought of having another seems too depressing and difficult, and women who give up their children have a high incidence of not having another. 

Talk to other mothers who have lost their babies to adoption. You may find a mother in your area by calling Concerned United Birthparents (CUB), 1-800-822-2777, www.cubirthparents.org. Read mothers’ stories on the Origins-USA website, www.origins-usa.org. Read our page, Response to The Adoption Option, to learn about the impact of surrendering a child. Or you can look through our posts here and read the comments of other first/birth mothers and adult adoptees. Do remember that you are not a birth mother or first mother until you actually sign the relinquishment papers, and if you are already working with an adoption social worker, do not let her refer to you like that. You are the baby's mother, period. Calling you a birth mother before your baby is born will make you feel as if you’re carrying a baby for someone else. You are not anything but a mother in waiting until you sign the relinquishment papers.

You may meet mothers who say they did the right thing in giving up their babies, and you can also find them on the Internet. No matter what the influences were that led to giving up their children, it was still heart-breaking. If you read their posts carefully, you'll see the grief pouring through their words.

OPEN AND CLOSED ADOPTIONS
If you decide to explore adoption, you need to know that adoptions can be open, semi-open, or closed. In open adoptions you may choose the adoptive parents from a list of three to five couples pre-screened by the agency or attorney. You should meet with them before you make your selection. Once you’ve selected the parents, the agency counselor or your attorney will help you work out a contact agreement, typically three to five visits a year and pictures and letters a few times a year. You can arrange more contacts if you and the adoptive parents agree. READ THIS DOCUMENT CAREFULLY. Make sure that it does not say it can be closed at the desire of "either party," because that means that the adoptive parents can disappear at their whim, or decide that the visits are "disturbing," or some other language that will sound straight from the psychological playbook of adoption counselors and attorneys. Remember, the clients of adoption attorneys and agencies are the adoptive parents, not the teenage girl or middle-aged woman who offers up a baby.

In semi-open adoptions, you select the adoptive parents from profiles given to you by the agency--but you do not meet them or know their names. The contact agreement typically requires the adoptive parents to send you pictures and letters every few months for the first few years of your baby’s life. You may write to them and send letters and gifts to your baby. However, all correspondence is through the agency and the agency may read your letters and open your gifts, and refuse to send them if they think they are inappropriate.

Semi-open adoption agreements provide that after a certain amount of time, often three years, any further contact will up to you and the adoptive parents. This means that you may lose contact with your child. We have heard from many first mothers devastated because what they thought was an open adoption soon became closed, and they suffer perhaps more than other women because they have not only given up their children, they have been duped by the system. We highly urge you not to consider this kind of adoption. If this is what is being promised, find another agency, find another attorney. We urge anyone who is considering adoption to make it a fully open one, where you meet the adoptive parents, know where they live, work, and get their mail, as well as know their full names and other community involvements. No matter how nice they may seem before the birth and surrender, remember, they want your baby, and everything may change after they have your child.

However. no matter how scrupulous you are--and since it is a difficult time it may be hard to focus on the details, but open and semi-open adoption agreements may not be enforceable in your state. As noted earlier, sometimes adoptive parents simply ignore the agreement after they take your baby. Some adoptive agencies provide mediation services to help birth parents and adoptive parents work out differences. In states where agreements are enforceable, you will have to hire an attorney to help you if the adoptive parents refuse to cooperate.

In closed adoptions you do not know who adopted your child or where your child is. You have no contact with the adoptive family or your child. All that your child will know about you is what the agency chooses to tell the adoptive parents and what they choose to tell him. In most states at this point, you may never be able to contact that child, and no matter how you feel now, you may feel differently later.

Keep in mind, no matter what type of adoption you have, the adoptive parents, not you, make all the decisions for your child, what he eats, his religious training, his education. They may have different values than you--and make decisions that you would be vehemently opposed to. Know, too, that  open or closed, adoption is forever; you can never regain the mother and child relationship you lost. The social worker may  tell you that you and your child may reunite in the future. It's not that simple. You may not be able to find your now adult child and, if you do, your child may reject you. Even if you and tour child reunite, your relationship will be strained and your child may pull away from you.

LEGAL MATTERS
Adoptions can be handled through an adoption agency licensed by the state or through an attorney (private adoption). If you place your child through an attorney, make sure you have your own attorney, one does not represent both you and the prospective adoptive parents. We cannot stress this strongly enough. Adoption attorneys may tell you they can represent you and the prospective adoptive parents. This is highly unethical. Find another attorney. The adoptive parents will pay for your attorney unless you can afford one yourself, which is desirable.

Shortly after you child is born (or in some states before your child is born), the adoption agency will ask you to sign a document surrendering your child to the agency for adoption. If it is a private adoption, your attorney will ask you to sign a consent to allow the prospective adoptive couple to adopt your child.

Mother and newborn                      photo/lamb white
You do not need to sign a surrender or consent right away. You may feel differently about adoption after your child is born. You may take your child home, or have your child placed with a relative or in foster care before you make your decision. Give yourself some time to calm down after the birth and see how you feel weeks later. Under no circumstances allow the prospective adoptive parents to be at the hospital with you during the birth, or shortly after the birth, as they will be desperate to get your baby and you will feel as if you are letting these nice people down if you do not hand over your child. The pressure will be intense if they are there. Take time to consider the decision that will not only have a lifelong impact not only on you, but also your baby. This is likely to be the most life-altering decision you will ever make for two people--you and your baby.

If you decide to give your child up, ask your adoption counselor or attorney if you have time after signing to change your mind. In most states surrenders and consents to relinquish a child are irrevocable. Even in states which allow you to revoke your surrender or consent, a judge may not return your child to you if he finds it is in the child's "best interests" to stay with the prospective adoptive parents.  Attorneys and agencies are not likely to help you if you do change your mind.  Again, we urge you to not sign immediately. You should also insist that the agency or attorney give you copies of all the documents you sign.

Do insist upon getting a certified copy of your child's birth certificate--the one with your name on it. You have every right to it, and you will not be able to get one once you sign the relinquishment papers. Also get a copy of the relinquishment papers. You may not feel that you want it at the time, but later on you may not be able to get them. Keep both in a safe place. One day the unamended and original birth certificate could be very important to your child, and you will be able to give it to him--even if your state keeps the original locked away in the courthouse.

YOUR CHILD’S BIRTH CERTICIATE
After your child is born someone from the hospital or the state will collect information from you for his birth certificate. The certificate will have your name on it, and the baby’s father’s name if you two are married. If you are not married, some states allow the father’s name on the birth certificate only if he files a statement of paternity with the state’s vital statistics office. If he will agree to it, this could be very important for your child in the future.

Once your baby’s adoption is final, the state will issue your child a new birth certificate with the names of the adoptive parents replacing your name and your baby’s father’s name. All but two states in the United States seal the original birth certificate. The original birth certificate will be hidden away.  In most states, neither you nor your child will ever get to see it. Court records will be sealed as well. 

AFTER SHOCK 
No matter how you have prepared yourself, no matter how you have filled your head with the idea that you are "doing the right thing," no matter how many times your social worker has told you that you are making the "loving decision," that you are making someone so happy with your "generous gift" of your baby, you will feel incredibly sad once your child is gone. Those hormones don't leave because your baby is gone. Joining birth mother support groups may help you. The adoption agency may have programs for birth mothers. Call the CUB number above an talk to someone who truly understands what you are going through.

Though you have signed over your baby, you do still have a lifelong emotional responsibility to that child. There is a bond between the two of you that no legal document can ever sever. Thus it is your responsibility to follow through with agreed-upon contacts with your child. You gave birth to this individual, you will always on one respect be the Mother, and he will want to know you. And who knows, you just might have selected adoptive parents--there are some--who do want you to remain in contact, and visit, because they know it is best for the child you now share.--Jane and Lorraine

40 comments :

  1. Children want to be raised in their bio-families. Unless there is some kind of abuse, that is what we want.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lorraine, I meant to ask you, how is the reunion going with your adopted granddaughter? Do you find that easier than the reunion with your daughter or harder? Hope that is going well!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lorraine,

    Somewhere, I have a list of the various state's legislative codes pertaining to post-adoption contact agreements.

    From memory, the language hold the caveat that if a party fails to adhere, there is no possible recourse (with the exception of a few precedents set by first moms who paid great sums to take the matter to court).

    If I get some time, I'll try to find a few of the legislative codes. If someone knows of a state where they are truly enforceable, please let me know.

    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well said - I would like to link!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I would like to suggest that during the 'cooling off' period when you have your baby at home and are weighing your options without the influence of others, you request a certified copy of your child's birth certificate - the one with your name on it. You have every right to it, since there is nothing on file anywhere to indicate that you might possibly release him for adoption. And keep that certificate in a safe place for the future, whether you parent your child or decide to relinquish him. One day this document will be very important to him, and you will be able to give it to him even if your state keeps the "original" locked away in the courthouse.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks, Digger. tomorrow when I'm not so tired I'll add that to the post, which we are going to make a permanent page...and please all freely disseminate (but please direct back to FMF). We need to get this information out. Could we get a grant and turn this into a handout at Planned Parenthood? Or schools and churches? But often they are the organizations that encourage the noxious "Adoption Option."

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Lorraine and Jane, as I was reading this I thought to myself, “Wow, this really says it all.” I’d like to think that if I had read something like this and had resources available to me, I wouldn’t have felt forced to surrender my child. In my case, the only trusted adult in my life at the time was the social worker and the rest is history. I’m wondering if this piece could possibly be the start of a First Mother Project. The piece could be printed into a type of brochure and distributed across the country. If each of us first mothers had a supply, we could leave a few behind every place we went (e.g., libraries, doctors offices, stores, churches, etc.) I’d be happy to contribute a few hundred dollars toward start up costs. Just a thought.

    ReplyDelete
  9. GREAT!!! Best text I ever read on blogger.com.
    Only, the internet is international, and some parts of the text are US-only, and I guess that that should be indicated a bit more clearly in the online version.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Well Lorraine, among real Pro-lifers relinquishment for adoption is seen as preferable to abortion, but promotion of adoption over keeping is bad strategy for obvious reasons.

    On the other hand, offering adoption as an escape, so the mother can gather enough courage to keep her baby, when the alternative is abortion may be seen as sound tactics, but a Pro-Life movement hurts its cause by changing its message from keep your baby to give up your baby. Or as one Pro-Lifer commented the fact that many mothers considering to adoption decide to keep their babies. "But, THAT is just what want (them to do)".

    So I guess that a paper version of this text should be acceptable
    for genuinely pro-life entities. It would be interesting to learn which they are.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Lorraine - I am a grant writer by profession. Be watching for an email from me, perhaps we can work on something together to get this information out there.

    Melynda

    ReplyDelete
  12. Here is a link to childwelfare.gov's listing of all state statutes pertaining to post-adoption contact agreements. If your state isn't listed, it is because there in nothing in state law pertaining to this issue.

    http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/index.cfm?event=stateStatutes.processSearch

    ReplyDelete
  13. I agree with everything written here, however, I do have to comment on the last sentence.

    " And who knows, you just might have selected adoptive parents--there are some--who do want you to remain in contact, and visit, because they know it is best for the child you now share"

    The first mother absolutely must keep up her end of the bargain as far as visits, phone calls, etc. so that the child doesn't feel abandoned again and again. She must show the child that s/he is still a very important part of her life. Although I still think Open Adoption is 2nd best (actually more like 5th best). What most children really want is to be raised by their natural parents.

    I have known people who were fine with the fact that they were given up for adoption. But I have never known anyone (though I assume there must be some) who actually PREFERRED being given up. And there is a difference.

    ReplyDelete
  14. In my experience, anti-abortionists* are overwhelmingly in favor of adoption because they want women who are sexually active outside marriage (and sometimes within it) to be punished.
    They are reviving the unwed mothers' prisons all over the country.

    *They are not pro-life by any stretch of the imagination.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Like.

    May I suggest including some advice to the parents of pregnant minors, imploring them to talk with and really listen to their daughters before initiating action on their behalf? And not to panic.
    Many parents of young women have a knee-jerk reaction to the news of their daughter's pregnancy, and misguidedly set the wheels in motion before they have even given themselves time to consider what would be the best course of action for the people who are going to be most affected. Once the machinery is set in motion it can be difficult to reverse. Too often it is ill-considered first moves that decide the outcome.

    I would also strongly recommend that there should be no move towards adoption (as in nothing pre-arranged) until after the baby is born and mother and baby have had a few weeks together in a supportive (non-coercive) environment.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is the truth and so lovingly said.
    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  17. Mary in Austin, we could perhaps convince them that having to raise your baby yourself is better punishment.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I would like to see some information about the Hope Tax credit Obama is offering right now, as well as other college scholarship grants that most single mothers may not know about. I am married and just recently heard about some of these that are available and I was blown away by how much is REALLY out there. I would like to compile as much of this information as possible and break it down state by state if at all possible. Anyone wanting to help me do that so that we may link it here as well as plastering all over the internet anywhere and everywhere we can? I know that's a huge undertaking but I'd rather put myself and my computer to good work rather than arguing with those who don't have the ability to listen.

    ReplyDelete
  19. etropic:

    Well said. Much better to work for something positive than argue with the hopelessly deluded.

    Anyone want to take her up on this?

    You can email me at forumfirstmother.com.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Some right to lifers push adoption because they believe that a proper family consists of a husband, wife, and children. They toss around sociological gibberish to justify their religious beliefs. They insist that single mothers give their children to infertile couples so that the children will be raised in proper families.

    However, there are anti-abortion advocates who support single mothers keeping their babies. Catholic Charities in Portland, Oregon is one such agency. The staff firmly believes children should stay with their mothers if possible. The staff always begins by exploring ways that the mother-to-be can keep her baby. Only if this is impossible, does the staff broach adoption and they insist that all CC adoptions be fully open.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Jane and Lorraine,

    Thank you for this. I hope every woman considering adoption reads it. I wish I had, back in 1969.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is wonderful. One section I would expand is discussing why women would want to accept welfare. Back in 1980 I was deluded by the coercive tactic that I was doing right by my daughter to give her a monied married couple. But the thought of taking welfare was a huge impediment, too. I especially think college girls are impacted by a desire to not join the ranks of welfare. Maybe if it was suggested that in the later years women would be in a position to pay back the money.
    Thanks for all the hard work putting this together. My driving force as a mother of loss to adoption is to help the women coming behind me. With young children and a business, I have all kinds of excuses why I can't do any more than I do now.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Barbara T wrote:". But the thought of taking welfare was a huge impediment, too."

    I agree with you. I think we have a very strong value of independence in the U.S. and people are made to feel guilty when they need help (even temporarily) to get through a trying time. Does anyone know, are these benefits really enough? My understanding is that they are very limited. Can a mother and her child survive on them? Would they also need family help to get by? I am all for providing whatever help and support mothers need to be able to keep their children. I'm just wondering where things (realistically) stand now.

    ReplyDelete
  24. No, welfare benefits are not enough, and have been cut and cut since the 70s. Especially not enough for middle class college girls, or scared high school girls who have never lived anywhere but home. If your family cannot or will not help out or take you in, the threat of poverty and despair is real. In case you have not noticed, our society hates the poor. "Blessed are the rich, as they run everything."

    Former Welfare Mom (for two years)

    ReplyDelete
  25. @Anon 8:48,
    That's what I was afraid of. Our society very much has the "do it on your own, pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality.

    This is why I think our culture is so pro-adoption. Let those who already "have" raise the child instead of costing the taxpayers money by encouraging single moms to keep their babies.

    I did recently come across one other resource. Lovedtwice.org in Oakland, CA provides gently used baby clothes.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This is an excellent post. I wish someone had told me this ,encouraging me to keep my baby instead of telling me that if I went on welfare and my son didn't have a father, he would be like a "ghetto kid" That's what my social worker told me. She also said I could "go out and get a job or sit here for the rest of your life and be an emotional cripple" She said this to me after I told her about my cousin who had been in a car accident and was in a coma. It was also after I had already asked her for my baby back twice and this was the third time and now she was getting tough. I still remember her name Once, when I was trying to find her, I called the Dept of Social Services and they told me she left and gave me some number to call When I called that number, it was a recording of a child I don't remember now if he was calling his mother or saying his mother wasn't home. Weird or what? I'm not making this up. When I called the welfare office, the woman said I was 'barking up the wrong tree" and started laughing. So, to any mothers considering giving up their kids, I say DON"T DO IT. As the years go by all the happiest times in life will be turned sad and overshadowed by the part of you that is missing and your child will not understand. He will be all confused and think something was wrong with him and that it was his fault Jen

    ReplyDelete
  27. I wasn't even aware of welfare when I lost my child to adoption back in 1969. If resources like welfare were available, the social worker never informed me. In later years when welfare became wider spread, a negative "ghetto-like" stigma came with it.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Some readers have asked "how can we help get this post in the hands of mothers-to-be who need this information and can we expand on the information resources to compile a state-by-state list?

    Both Origins and CUB have talked about disseminating information, CUB did produce an excellent pamphlet and Origins has information about resources on its website. Overall, though, little has been done.

    I think much more could be done with a very focused effort. Perhaps folks from CUB, Origins and other interested persons could get together and develop a plan to get the word out. We at FMF would be happy to help out.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Good point, Barbara,

    I've made your suggested change.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thank you Jane and Lorraine for a wonderful and very important post.

    I hope that I can add a few things to your thorough coverage of this topic that young mothers must be aware of before embarking on this devastating path.

    One, is that some states require the "birth" parents names and residences be named in the surrender process, but of course, do not require the adoptive parents similar personal information to be revealed. (This is not an equal playing field and in fact can lead to AP's engaging in predatory behaviour, which happened in my case. They wanted to know all about me/my son's father, but never used this information to tell my son about me. This is not the case of APs being all-loving and wanting their adopted son to know about their bio-parents - they simply wanted to track us. Creepy??? Yes.)

    Two, I agree very much with those who have brought up the issue of welfare and as young women, our lack of understanding of it. Many of us did not grow up in homes that had the knowledge of what welfare could be: a means to keep our children/our families whole while we figured things out. In fact the thought of being welfare recipients brought on imaginations of how we would be seen as bad people. (More of the same old same old that I as a young person didn't understand. I would take welfare in a heartbeat today if it meant keeping my son...) At the same time, today's adopters ARE taking a piece of the welfare pie and are encouraged to do so.

    Three, I wonder about even using the word "ethical" anywhere in this document. Why consider that the prospective parents "might" be ethical when there is no consideration for the mother possibly being ethical? Quite frankly, I don't think any adoptions in this country are ethical: the pain will lessen (bullshit); no mention of the adoptees potential life-long pain...and so much more. Fraud and coercion are still rife today.

    Thanks for the great summary and I hope the word gets out. Preventing the separation of mothers and their children is the only thing that makes sense to me since the loss of my son. I can't change the loss, but maybe I can help prevent another's.

    Carol

    ReplyDelete
  31. Oh and another thing.... don't feel too bad for the "infertile" couple. My son's adoptive mother was pregnant within 2 months of getting my baby.
    Carol

    ReplyDelete
  32. Jen 12:39 wrote:"and your child will not understand. He will be all confused and think something was wrong with him and that it was his fault"

    Yep! Children do not understand adult issues like finances or whatever the problems are that led to relinquishment. And the love of the adoptive parents cannot for many adoptees make up for being given away.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Any chance we could have a survey on how many APs got our names and addresses either during the process or after? (Following up on Carol's comment). I've heard this often in various places, wondering if we could attempt to see just how common it really is.

    In my case, when my son and I first started communicating I caught the adoptive father parked outside my house one morning as I was leaving for work. Of course I didn't know for sure who it was, but I had my suspicions since there are rarely parked cars on my street and he was craning his head to get a look at me as I pulled out of the driveway. Talk about creepy! I confirmed it was him once a saw a photo in my son's home. Now the question is, did he always have my name or did he get it from my son?

    This is why the confidentiality argument is such bullsh!t. I suspect MANY adoptive parents were give a good deal of identifying information about us.

    ReplyDelete
  34. My son's adoptive parents always had my last name as it was on the Decree of Adoption.

    ReplyDelete
  35. One more HUGE point to make is that mothers who lost their children because they HATED the babies father, were raped, or couldn't bear the thought of looking at a child that looked like the child's father, realize after reunion that adoption robbed both the mother and the child. They wish they had been told that their feelings toward the father could have been worked through. Loosing a child has life long implications much more severe than having a reminder of a bad mate.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Good idea Barbara,

    I've added the following:

    "You may be considering adoption because you don't like, or even detest, your baby's father. We've found, though, that even mothers whose babies are conceived in rape cherish their babies and grieve for them when they are gone just as mothers whose babies are conceived in love do. You can work through your feelings about your baby's father."

    ReplyDelete
  37. Do you mind if I copy this post in its entirety for a page over on Letters to Ms. Feverfew (with full attribution of course)? I have a feeling it would be a good resource to have out there for people who land on my blog.

    Thanks -

    M.

    ReplyDelete
  38. For me, I really think it is not a good idea. But it's still your choice. But think really hard over it.

    -admin

    ReplyDelete

We welcome comments from all, and appreciate letting us know how you relate to adoption when you leave your first comment.

COMMENTS ARE MODERATED. Our blog, our decision whether to publish or not. We are trying to find a way to end the endless anonymous comments, which drive many of us crazy. Pick a name! Any name. Choose the NAME/URL selection. You do not need a URL. Your name does not have to be your name IRL though we appreciate those who do, and we understand due to the sensitive nature of our subject, many will prefer to use a nom de plume. Okay with us, but the endless Anons are tiresome for everyone. If you post as "anonymous" you run the risk of not being posted.

We try to be timely but we do have other lives.

For those coming here from Networked Blogs on Facebook, if it does not allow you to make a comment, click the "x" on the gray "Networked Blogs" tool bar to exit out of that frame and it should then let you comment.

THOSE WHO WISH TO LEAVE LINKS PLEASE WRITE MORE ABOUT IT THAN SIMPLY LEAVE THE LINK--TELL US WHY WE SHOULD GO THERE--AND ALSO KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT COPY AND PASTE FROM LINKS. We are unlikely to post comments that consist of nothing more than a link and the admonition to go there.