' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Why first mothers walk away from their children after reunion

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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Why first mothers walk away from their children after reunion

Jane
"Why do first mothers cut off communication with their relinquished children?" a reader emailed us recently. I can only answer from my own my experience, and that of mothers who have shared their experiences. While the facts are different in every reunion, the problem often lies with miscommunication at the outset. Ironically new technology--iPhones, text messaging, Facebook, email--may exacerbate poor communication because they provide quicker--and thus more impulsive--exchanges.

In a relationship as fraught with risk as the one between first mother and adoptee, faulty communication can lead to doubt and distrust, which can lead to anger, which can lead to the suspension of contact.

DASHED EXPECTATIONS
When children--of any age--search out their mothers, we often are both frightened and thrilled. We hope for a belated mother-daughter/mother-son relationship. Somewhere in our consciousness comes the feeling, "my child has come home to me, her real mommy," the soap opera scenario.

But they dash that illusion by telling their mothers that they searched because they were merely "curious," or "needed medical information." It may be self-protective to say that, for that implies the lost child, now grown, is asking for nothing more than "information," they they do not want to barge in on the mothers' lives, or be a part of it. Jenessa Simons, who made news recently when she found her mother through Facebook, told ABC that "at the very least she had hoped to get in touch with her birth parents to thank them for putting her up for adoption."

I'm sure Jenessa and others who tell us that we made the "right" decision intend to comfort us and reassure us that they're not trying to butt into our lives. The message comes across, however, as "I don't care about you as a human being. Thank goodness you didn't raise me."

After I lost my daughter, I hated to read or hear the word "adoption" even when it was used in a legal context such as "the state agency adopted a new rule." Our daughters' attributing their good life to an institution which caused us so much pain can throw us into a rage.

Initially we may ignore, or try to ignore, the adoptive family. When our re-united children talk about how wonderful their adoptive parents are (and implicitly how much better parents they are than we could have been), we feel diminished in their eyes, because we know we are not "wonderful," because we gave them up. Feelings of jealously, irrational or not, can arise. If our daughters resist invitations (or entreaties) to come fully into our lives, insisting "I don't need a new family," we see ourselves as the odd woman out, after opening up all the old wounds and hurt that has been festering inside.

DOUBT AND ANGER
We begin to question our importance and feel used. We feel like we have given all that is possible, that we have accepted what is, but now we are being shoved aside. We may become angry that our daughters do not understand, or even try to understand, that we didn't make a sane, calm decision to give them up, but were coerced into it, often through direct and forceful pressure from parents, the baby's father, clergy, social workers, or the social norms of the day. We were told what we were doing was "best for the baby." We were told we were "making the brave, loving decision." We hope for empathy from our found children. Instead, they seem unsympathetic or even oblivious to our pain. "It's not about you!" we hear again and again, while we are hurting all over again. But reunion is about two people, child and mother.

We begin to question our children's every action. If we don't get a Mother's Day card, we're sure they don't care. If we get one, it's just pro forma. If they don't return a telephone call, we think they don't want us to call ever. Sometimes they go in and out of our lives without a word, and then come back, expecting the same excited and warm reception they got the first time. It feels as if we are being tested over and over and over again. After a while, it is exhausting and we assume we will never have any kind of relationship that isn't based on their doubts and desire to hurt us in some way.

Many of us still live with our shame. We don't want to think of ourselves--and we don't want others to think of us--as immoral or careless enough to have gotten pregnant by a man who wouldn't or couldn't marry us. We begin to think, "should I upend my life to continue this relationship--disappointing those who love me, becoming the subject of neighborhood gossip and perhaps condemnation--for someone who thinks of me as a suspicious outsider, who doesn't care about me as a human being?"  Doubts send us into deep depression. Increasingly, it looks easier just to shut our children out and go on as before, suppressing our grief and anger.

UNAWARE OF HOW OUR ACTIONS AFFECT OUR DAUGHTERS
Since we've become convinced they don't care, we don't expect our actions to impact them. In fact, we are likely to think we may be doing them a favor backing away. It's likely they never intended the relationship to go as far as it has gone; they said they only wanted to thank us and obtain some medical information. Now they find themselves stuck with us, and they'd just as soon we be gone. Plus by disappearing, we've removed a cause of conflict with their adoptive parents.

We've all heard adoptive parents say something to the effect, "my daughter met her birth mother. Afterwards, she told me 'I was just curious about her, but you're my real mother.'" Recalling these words from adoptive parents reinforces our belief that finding us was just a passing fancy. Like our daughters, we need to move on. We need to get walk away from a relationship that seems to bring more hurt than salvation, particularly if we have a family that is urging us to do so.

As long as the parties are alive, however, no reunion is ever truly over. As adoptee Betty Jean Lifton wrote: "Yet, even when a relationship seems terminated, there is still a connection, just as a connection remained when the mother and child were separated from each other originally. Sometimes a relationship that disappears over one year springs to life a few years later as mother and adult child grow individually and are ready to come together again."* This time with openness and honesty. We need to tell each other we matter to each other, again and again.--jane
____________________________________________________
* Page 171, Betty Jean Lifton, from Journey Of The Adopted Self: A Quest For Wholeness

SOURCE
 ABC News Women finds birth mother through viral Facebook photo

From FMF:
Telling your Birthmother She Made the Right Decision is Wrong
Thank you Betty Jean Lifton!

Recommended READING
Journey Of The Adopted Self: A Quest For Wholeness  "For people adopted in the era after books like The Adoption Triangle and The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child were published, this Journey may seem like wallowing or old hat, but this book was invaluable to me. Reading it and dealing with the feelings it provoked was step one on my journey to healing. This book gave me the courage to find my birth mother. If you read this and feel it doesn't apply to you because being adopted doesn't matter, please leave a little space in your head and heart to consider that it just might matter a little bit. Try reading it again in a year or two. If it still doesn't apply to you, count yourself lucky, and have compassion for those of us who feel we were traumatized by adoption."--Laurel Jenkins-Crowe at Amazon

Reunion: A Year in Letters Between a Birthmother and the Daughter She Couldn't Keep An excellent guide to creating a positive relationship by adoptee Katie Hern and birthmother Ellen McGarry Carlson. After decades of separation, 26-year-old adoptee Katie Hern writes to her birthmother, Ellen McGarry Carlson. Written over a course of one year, this book follows the women's progress - from elation to understanding to accepting - and efforts to create an honest relationship. After several months, mother and daughter finally meet face-to-face in an emotional and exhilarating reunion.

81 comments :

  1. On Feb. 18 I will have been reunited with my son 13 years. It has been very rocky. I heard all the comments you quoted and more. I withdrew. He withdrew. Both of us came back and tried again. My son searched because he was/is a very angry man. I think part of his reaction to me is that he realized he didn't have "the better life. " My subsequent raised children are well-adjusted people who welcomed him into our family. The issue I'm left with in our reunion is the same as his...regret that I signed those papers and let him go. His adoptive home was not abusive and the a/parents did their best, but their best was "not good enough." My son should have had psychological help in childhood which was not provided. He is left with anger and depression. He reached out to me so I believe he NEEDS me even when he is unkiind.

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  2. Oh Jane you are so very right on this topic. We need to tell each other we matter to each other over and over again.

    Just the other day my son told me he loved me he said it and knew it didn't sound right I am assuming. He said it again differently. I laughed and said I love you too, son.
    I also added I know you love me!
    We have been in reunion for 20 years I found him. To this day it gives me such happiness to say this to him finally after 26 years of separation along with 20 years
    in reunion.
    So many people have no clue what we as moms and adoptees go through.

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  3. Outstanding article as always, Jane!

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  4. The reunion relationship becomes strained when the adoptee and/or the firstmother do not acknowledge the loss, grief, and pain that accompanies adoption on both sides of the equation. Any anger issues need to be resolved prior to reunion. In some instances, walking away is a survival mechanism for one party or the other.

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  5. The mother-daughter reunion is full of perils.

    In my communication with my mom, I attempted to dodge every landmine. I never talked about my "wonderful parents." She did. I never said that I was grateful to have been adopted or was thankful that she gave me up. But,in her first email to me, she said, "The one thing I know now, is that I made the right decision for you and your life."

    In the end, my painstaking attempts to avoid the landmines didn't matter. She abandoned the reunion.

    I intellectually understand: I'm her secret. I'm her shame. She just cannot deal with knowing me. It makes me sad. Yes, I am sad for myself, but I am sadder for her. She's ensnared by this secret. She was given an opportunity to know me, but she is too ashamed, too hidden, too emotionally blocked to allow herself to know me.

    Love you, Mom! I hope you find a way to break out of your self-imposed prison.

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  6. HDW and all others out there struggling with a failure to have a relationship with your natural mother when you know you didn't do anything to push her away. I don't know what to say to these women (who are certainly not reading here) and I can say is I am so sorry for you. I know how much my daughter's total rejection would have hurt, and it must be just as bad for you. Whoever you are, you don't deserve that.

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  7. I found my fmom and fdad two years ago. My dad wanted to talk with me right away. He gave me his number and always told me I could call him anytime. When he would call me, everything was fine. The few times I called him, our conversations were very strained and uncomfortable, so I stopped calling. And so did he. His wife didn't like that I was in his life.

    My mother and I exchanged a few letters after which she wrote "it wasn't a good time". None of her kids (my half sibs) know about me. I got the courage to call a year later. She was very kind, but said it wasn't a good time. When I asked if I could call again, she asked for my number. This was several months ago... No call. I know her husband is not supportive, which must be extremely hard. And I don't want to make life hard for her, so I wait... Not knowing whether to call again, write or give up.

    In both cases, I feel my fparents spouses are a main cause of why our reunions have not worked. I feel like they see me as a mistress. So strange. Maybe it's because I am proof of a relationship before theirs? Have other fmoms had to deal with unsupportive spouses?

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    1. I have had to deal with an unsupportive spouse. He jusy couldn't deal with my past and refused to expose our sons to it (He knew before we married). The fall out very nearly lead to divorce! He eventually capitulated when our sons were adults and we have had one reunion. After my daughter met her half brothers she withdrew. A pity as one of my sons lives just 10 minutes away from her and would like to know her. I have hopes that things will change one day. Adoption it seems hurts more than just mother and child, it hurts the entire family.

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  8. MY relationship with my son I found 24 years ago is pretty dang good. He doesn't get that the adoption loss is still as painful today as it was 47 years ago though. Just this week I found myself questioning him (in email) because he didn't comment when I said I thought our reunion had been beneficial to him. I then asked him because it hurt when he didn't affirm my statement. He did call me and tell me how much it meant to know his history, blood family and me. He was surprised that I still needed to be told and validated on that. Like you say....we need to hear it again and again. Joy Larkin Pantelis

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  9. My relationship with my fmom has struggled for several reasons, one of which is the way her husband speaks of and to me. I know it must be difficult for her to feel like she is in the middle. I would say that I could put on a smile through it if it weren't so demeaning; I did try for years to pretend it was not personal. But in the end, the people who share your everyday life come first, the people you share history with will trump you--this was my lesson. I get it, and I am all right with it at this point. It is sad that we cannot be an extended happy family, but adoption involves a lot of broken things. I have worked hard to accept what is.

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  10. Can we really trust adoption agencies for a reunion? Make sure it is really your mom, your kid. DNA test first!

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  11. In reunion for 20 yrs with my mom, and we've had our ups and downs- and cool off periods. Frankly we're so similar in the way we deal with things that I would be shocked if we didn't "hide" from contact at times!

    My husband and his birthmom went thru a tough patch when he found his dad. His mom didn't think the dad deserved his son b/c he'd abandoned her(very bitter). She made a fool of herself at a family affair, and was fighting my husband for a few years. In turn, my equally stubborn DH refused to concede his mother's right to NOT want to hear about the reunion w/ bdad -he wanted her to SAY that he had the right to search and reunite with his bdad. Neither would concede that they had the right to disagree- and just not talk about that part of dh's life. I think his birthmom blamed me- because she doesn't know that her siblings came to ME and told me who and how to reach the birthfather when I met them! She just knows we met at ALMA.

    But considering that many of these relationships are based on grief, pain, fear and suppressed anger- its not surprising that they will have so many different cycles and experiences. Just shows how wrong the lies and secrecy inherent in closed adoption really are!

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  12. To all Adoptee Anonymouses who are struggling in reunion, and suspecting the spouse to be the main reason:

    You are almost certainly right!

    Without an understanding partner, moving forward with a child, even if the reunion is very much desired, is nearly impossible (see the comment from one first mother above) without support--if the marriage is to stay intact. Shame--of the mother, of the spouse of the mother--is a large factor at work here, and I will be writing more about that very soon. Both Jane and I were fortunate to have understanding spouses.

    The comments at FMF over the year have made me feel ever more strongly that adoption is a terrible, soul-crushing system--not only for mothers who would keep their children if they had the finances and emotional support they need, but also for the adopted individual. How people react to being adopted varies a great deal. We have the woman on The Bachelor talking about her abandonment issues, that her parents didn't want her, how she is most fearful of giving up control. Half the time she is talking to the camera about this, she is crying. It is heart-breaking but I am glad that people are seeing this. (Note to Awesome Rockin' Robin: I know you are watching too.)

    People are not fungible and easily slotted into this family or that; they belong with their people except under the most extreme circumstances, and then they should grow up knowing the truth, the whole truth about themselves.

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  13. When my daughter found me I was ecstatic. My husband not so much. He didn't want to tell our kids. It almost gave me a nervous breakdown. She was coming for our first face to face, a four day visit, and my other kids still didn't know. I was ready to divorce when he relented. We had a great visit, and so far a pretty good reunion for three years. If I went along with him I think our reunion would be in the crapper.
    This also brings up a point about how many of us first mothers marry Jack asses. Rita

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  14. I am in my 1oth month of reunion with my almost 34 year old son.My husband and children could not be more supportive,esp my husband-he's amazing! My son is a great guy and we are developing a good relationship. I am really struggling however, and despite all the goodness. Is this common? Am I just a weak person and ungrateful person? Can I expect it to get better and how soon? Part of the problem may be I will soon be spending his birthday with him and I feel a bit overwhelmed about it. Am I just being excessively emotional? I would appreciate some perspective.

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  15. I'm definitely in the "she's choosing her dinkwad husband over me" camp.

    I won't deny I probably made my fair share of mistakes, but I've waited ever so patiently for her for the last 15 years. She shut me out a year into our reunion but I will always be here for her if and when she decides she's ready. I know she carries a lot of guilt and shame. I carry a lot of pain and anger. We've tried, sporadically, but it always ends up with her disappearing and ignoring me. I wish for once I didn't have to mother her and she would step up and mother me. Because I would really love to have my mother.

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  16. eagle's wings--Oh gosh, the rush of emotions stirred up by reunion is like a tsunami. All of us who have had a reunion have been through it. At the same time you feel joyful, you can't stop crying and it is exhausting. Understand that your overwhelming emotions rising to the surface are normal, after years of squashing them down. Give both you and your son some room, he probably needs it too--but otherwise enjoy the closeness and do celebrate his birthday! even if you find you can't suppress the tears, or the sense of the tears.

    And let us know how you are--forumfirstmother@gmail.com
    We are rooting for you, and him.

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  17. Renee:

    DH? Dear Husband? ???

    I got the gist of your story but not 'zactly, because I;m confused by DH. Reunions are complicated, more complicated than interaction with mothers and sons and daughters not separated at birth or soon after, but you sound as if you are staying the course and doing relatively well.

    It is amazing to keep finding ways in which we are like our mothers/daughters.

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  18. Thanks, Lorraine and all the others who commented about spousal support or lack there of. I'm Anonymous February 6, 2013 at 12:48 AM.

    My fmom told the CI (not me) that her husband approved at first, but now does not. She told the CI she follows what her husband wants even when she doesn't agree, and admitted this has contributed to her depression and poor health.

    My sister-in-law found out a few years ago that she had two brothers who were given up for adoption after she and her brother were born. Her mother was single with two young children and felt she had no other choice. Both men found my SIL within a year's time, and she was thrilled. They are both in her life. Last summer she attended one brother's wedding. That same month, one of my half-brothers was getting married. I saw the pictures on FB, because his wife set the album to public - I'm thankful I got to see the pictures, but felt creepy doing so. All this secrecy and shame is so stupid, toxic and useless.

    I don't really have a point with this... just venting.

    Anniemous

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  19. This isn't just pertaining to Lillie, but 15 years? Fook that! It's been 2 years and some change since my birth Mom up and left me. I mourned for it, what will never be. And, barring a few let downs (with relatives dying), I am not holding my breath...there's no one coming for me. That is the theme of my life. So, I'm going to live my life and put it behind me (or at least in its proper place) or it will eat me alive.

    99 problems...

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  20. Lorraine- sorry- I am used to other forums that us DH commonly- yes its dear husband. Our situation IS hard to follow as we are both adoptees in reunion for 20 yrs. He with both sides of his family and me with my maternal side only.

    Reunion is like marriage- we all come into it with lots of BAGGAGE- its work but hopefully we each take turns holding the baggage and helping each other and making the relationship move forward.

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  21. LOL, Lorraine. Yes, I watched the two night "Bachelor" extravaganza. It was heartbreaking for me to see AshLee crying as she talked about the pain of being unwanted by her natural parents. And this, in spite of the fact that she keeps saying how 'blessed' she was to be adopted by such a loving family. It reinforces my belief that children have an innate need to be loved and valued by their biological parents. And for many of us without that, there will always be a hole, a longing.

    I'm rooting for AshLee (adoptee solidarity, I guess) but I fear that her emotional baggage will get in the way of her relationship with shirtless Sean. He keeps saying he is looking for a lighthearted, fun gal. It's so unfair that through no fault of her own, AshLee has to carry this burden. It makes me think of that girl on America's top model who said she has so much anger because of being given up for adoption.


    "The comments at FMF over the year have made me feel ever more strongly that adoption is a terrible, soul-crushing system".

    I am having the same reaction.

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  22. I'm a little over 2 years into reunion. Mom told me on New Years Eve that she can't revisit the experience of my relinquishment because she feels as if she's crawling through broken glass if she does, and she's afraid she will turn into a puddle on the floor and not be able to get up. She said that was no kind of life to live.

    She has been hostile to me in the past, and I think this is the reason why. She cannot bear the pain that I bring.

    I can't imagine what I could have done to deserve not getting any acknowledgement of my 50th birthday from my mother, father, half sister and brothers. I'm not even worth a card and a stamp.

    They are showing me my place in their hearts and lives, which is no place at all. Do they even know I'm a human being? Why is it acceptable to treat me so bad?

    Only 1 member of my bio family wished me well, my Mom's youngest sister. Mom has cut her off for sticking up for me.

    I'm their baby, how can they forget?

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  23. @Adoptomuss,

    Your comment reminds me of something I read over on Ms. Marginalia's blog... that adoptees are inconvenient. Our existence is a problem. We represent shame to many of our families.

    I wish it wasn't so but for many of us it is the case.

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  24. Arrrgggh...the sorrow and the pain I read in these comments is heart-breaking, and I have lived it too, before reunion, after reunion. As some of you know, my own daughter was in and out of my life after reunion --more in than out, but still the vicissitudes of our relationship were hard to weather.

    I've said before I didn't know what motivated a mother to not be thrilled! to reconnect, and at first I could hardly believe so many birth mothers took a powder. But sadly they do. I have some new thoughts on this and will try to get a post by Sunday, but right now I am still working hard on my memoir--the story of life with my daughter--and while I am near the end of what is nearly a final draft, I have a lot of what cleaning up to do throughout the whole book. Little stuff, but time consuming nonetheless. But my husband finished reading this draft tonight and I can sleep easily now. This last week I have been so agitated I couldn't sleep without outside herbs, hormones and chemicals.

    And stupidly, I got upset with The Bachelor last night, Rockin Awesome Robin, and that kept me awake! I don't think AshLee is the one, and she will take it very very hard. Her discourse on "control" and her need to not give control up could have been taken out of Nancy Verrier's book. So friggen sad. Yes, I remember the adoptee on America's Next Top Model, I even wrote a blog about what she was saying to the camera. We seem to get involved in the same reality TV shows.

    And now good night.

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  25. One of the few positives that came from the decades I waited for my bmom to acknowledge me was that I had to learn A LOT about bmoms in order to understand her and to not blame/hate myself for her behavior. There are a lot of hard truths in this post. Grieving and traumatized people can be intensely selfish and impulsive. Add the fact that bparents and adoptees often see each other as somewhat at fault, and are grieving over things that happened at vastly different developmental stages and it's amazing ANY reunions work out well. I can think of few instances where two parties are less likely to be helpful with each other's acute grief. Perhaps time and patience are the only extremely difficult and yet equally helpful ingredients to reunion success. Thanks for the post!

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  26. Thanks for the shout out, Robin.

    It's difficult all around.

    Yes, sadly, I believe that adoptees are frequently inconvenient, or of interest only sporadically, or mildly tolerable if we manage to live by the rules of complicated games we have no idea are being played around us, until we are thrown out of the game and really have no understanding of what happened. Or we find ourselves back at square one because *we* chose to return to square one, or because the whole situation, slathered over with shame, caused others to make decisions we cannot fathom. Who knows? It's a Byzantine mess.

    I am loath to air dirty laundry, but I will say that I was baffled to be told that I had "ruined" Thanksgiving for everyone because my nfamily were worried I would show up and have a hissy fit on a doorstep after I had said that I wasn't coming. If you know me IRL in the slightest, this is *not* how I function. If I were to have shown up on doorsteps and have a tantrum, would I not have done that years ago? Seriously? It's fear-mongering. Such presumption shows a fundamental misunderstanding of me as a person. Misunderstandings abound in this hellish game of intrigue.

    Oh well. At some point, perhaps the edges don't connect anymore. It's like a glass that's not only been broken, it's been trodden upon with jack boots. Good luck with mending that.

    Les jeux sont faits.

    Adoption sucks.

    And yes, I think a great many (not all) first mothers marry men who do not have the milk of human kindness running through their veins, any of their veins, in great quantity. This makes me sad for so many people.

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  27. Nail on the head post, although I feel like an intruder in my son's life with his family. I still feel that 'they' were right all those years ago, that my son didn't need me at all, and now that he met me I'm not anything important at all, just a meat wrapper that delivered him to his REAL parents. It's devastating to make plans to continue forming a relationship, saying "I love you, I can't let you back out of my life" and then be abruptly cut off for well over a year. No fight, no words, nothing. And yes, it's hard on the whole family. I've comforted my ten year old who cried about his older brother rejecting (I don't talk about the silence; I don't know what to say because I don't 'get' it, either). My husband was going to give my son one of his vintage guitars; he's angry that my son no longer talks to me, much less anything else. My ILs, who live in the same city as my son, are still waiting to meet him. Won't ever happen, though. I only wish my son the best and a happy life, and if his happiness means that I don't exist to him anymore, then I accept it.

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  28. My fathers wife is so jealous. I found him 3 years ago and he has kept this awful secret for 40 years. He adores me, and tells me I am welcome at his home any tims. His wife pulls me aside and says me and my children are nothing and no one to her and she does not want me at her house. I know my father wonders why I have backed off a bit, but if I tell him all the things she says to me.... LOTS more.... then she will just lie and say that 'stranger child' is making up stories! Adoptees always hear that their mothers are brave, selfless, heroes blah, blah, blah for giving them a better life. Society is brainwashed to believe the fairy story..... adoptees are often brainwashed and loyal to their adopters. I had to wait untill my elderly adopters died before I could attempt reunion. They would have ruined it for me. My real mother does not want to know anything about me. Our story is a sad one. There was no reason for me to be removed from my real parents. I wish we all didn't have to live with the mess and pain my adoption left behind.

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  29. Eagel's wings:
    There is a support group on Yahoo groups called Sunflower First Moms-Reunited. It has saved my sanity. As far as reunions go I have a pretty good one. You will learn from the other mothers that your (almost?) nervous breakdown is typical for the mother that enters reunion.
    On another note: My daughter found me and I welcomed her with open arms. After a year and a half she informed me that she doesn't have any interest in getting to know me better. Okay then, I'll be superficial. When I call she doesn't answer or return the calls so I don't call. She will accept invitations for me to go to her city or for her to come to mine, so I invest in those trips. I have really good mental health, but if I didn't, her lack of interest in any type of deeper relationship would be the death of me. So I understand those women that give up. It's only been three years so maybe down the road things will change. I love her and try to show her in ways that don't overwhelm her. Rita

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  30. Thank God for the anonymous option!!

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  31. What I have observed about reunion from the blogs and real life. The majority of searchers are adoptees, particularly female adoptees. The majority of adoptees meet with rejection from one or both natural parents. Although many of us, first parents and adoptees alike, find our genetic relatives, it is rare that we are accepted and integrated as family.

    "Les jeux sont faits."

    Je suis d'accord.

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  32. Peace said "any anger issues need to be resolved before reunion."

    Sounds good but I don't think it's possible. Reunion creates a whole new set of anger issues related to disappointment, perceived lack of respect, jealousy, more.

    The anger is now directed at the adult child rather than the father, social workers, and so on.

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  33. I don't think it's anger so much as all the really awful emotions of that time of relinquishing a child that are roiled up, and of course, the focus of that is the child, who has now returned.

    Adoption...the pain that goes on giving.

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  34. Robin, remaining on a melancholy, poetic tone about adoption, how about Verse 51 of the Rubaiyat, by Omar Khayyam (coincidentally, a favorite of my amom's):

    "The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
    Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
    Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
    Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it."

    (tr. Edward FitzGerald)

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  35. For many mothers found, me included, reunion brings about the realities of adoption. I believed that I was doing the selfless thing to place my daughter for adoption. I didn't relinquish her to "go on with my life". I just didn't want to be selfish and all the adults, really everyone, told me this was what was best for my daughter. Before reunion I didn't have anger, I had denial.It was after reunion that I realized what I had done to my daughter and myself.Then the anger came up. I was devestated that I had placed that rejection on my daughter. And it didn't help that her homelife was less than ideal. I also relized that all of my adult decisions were warped by the trauma of losing my daughter. Reunion changes everything. Rita

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  36. Ms. Marginalia< that is so beautiful, and so apt, dammit.

    One of my favorite poems that reminds of the loss of adoption , though it is about a vastly different situation is"

    The god forsakes Antony

    When suddenly, at the midnight hour,
    an invisible troupe is heard passing
    with exquisite music, with shouts --
    your fortune that fails you now, your works
    that have failed, the plans of your life
    that have all turned out to be illusions, do not mourn in vain.
    As if long prepared, as if courageous,
    bid her farewell, the Alexandria that is leaving.
    Above all do not be fooled, do not tell yourself
    it was a dream, that your ears deceived you;
    do not stoop to such vain hopes.
    As if long prepared, as if courageous,
    as it becomes you who have been worthy of such a city,
    approach the window with firm step,
    and with emotion, but not
    with the entreaties and complaints of the coward,
    as a last enjoyment listen to the sounds,
    the exquisite instruments of the mystical troupe,
    and bid her farewell, the Alexandria you are losing.

    Constantine P. Cavafy (1911)

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  37. Another great post, and great conversations in the comments too.

    To Eagles Wings:
    You are far from weak and ungrateful. My reunion was 4 years ago; my world has just in the last few months stopped spinning. If I had not found the other mothers on the interwebs, I honestly think I would have lost my mind in it all. I have never been able to spend a birthday with my son, that alone would have me even now in a whirlwind ~ the fear of it being too much, of having to shut down to endure it ~ even though it would be the most fabulous thing that could happen.

    I wish you much luck and happiness in your continued relationship with your son!

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  38. It's so hard to find that the people you've been longing for all your life don't want you. Because your parents gave you up, you aren't part of their family anymore. Life went on without you.

    My mother describes laying on the bathroom floor crying for me to find her a few months before I did.

    But now that I have she seems to despise me.

    I was heartbroken when my aunt got married 6 months after a loving reunion, and I wasn't invited.

    My heart has taken so many blows since I found my family that I can't think straight.

    I wonder if it was worth it sometimes. Maybe ignorance was bliss.

    Reunion was more than I bargained for. I was right to be scared.

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  39. adoptomuss:

    I am so so sorry. There are no words to make up for your heart break and sorrow.

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  40. Lorraine: Beautiful, heartbreaking poem; I have not thought of it in an adoption context, but you're right. I love Cavafy.

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  41. Baby Girl Carter 68February 8, 2013 at 10:55 AM

    My mother told me during our first phone call that she was not good at communicating and that she lost me the first time because of her inability. She had all sorts of rules about how we could communicate (rarely by phone) and she preferred email- which was a disaster because of the loss of a direct dialogue. Sadly, instead of asking me and listening about my adoption experience, she made up her own storyline which could not have been further from the truth. She had told my first father that she didn't need me because there were adoptees on the internet that wanted her as a mother. She broke off contact only a few months into the reunion & then again within the first year. She made a website about me where she and others she had contacted via the internet using initials (instead of names) belittled and condemn me- people who have never met me. I did everything I could think of even asking for an opportunity for us to have a mediator to help better communicate- she sent a horrible letter telling me never to contact her again and then told everyone including my first father that I rejected her instead of it being her action. He knew better- he said that she is punishing herself because of the guilt of the relinquishment and that she sabotaged the reunion to fit her line of thinking about herself. I asked for forgiveness for anything she perceived that I did wrong, wanted to work it out and have held the open the door since her rejection letter of December 1997.
    I have sent a donation to one of her charities, flowers or a card on every one of her birthdays since we met in 1996. All letters marked "refused." In 2006, I needed medical history and contacted her through a lawyer since she had refused all letters or contact since 1997. Her response was no and that she told her family not to give any information or contact me either. I tried leaving a message on her machine and sending letters to her- all returned marked "refused."
    Intellectually, I get it about the effects of relinquishment. Emotionally it is tough to understand her actions- how does a mother deny her child any possibility of a relationship and needed medical history and continue to do so 17 years later. I have always wanted her and continue to want her to be a part of my life. Sadly, she and her entire family have chosen to shut me out with no explanation.

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    Replies
    1. It is NOT YOUR FAULT u r the one who was wronged by her. u deserve better let her go. enjoy ur own life. create ur own family and choose to b happy...u deserve it. b the kind of mommy u wish u had had. think about adopting if u r alone go on line there r 1000's of children who need to b loved who want to b wanted and want to b loved.

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  42. This post is really depressing In spite of the emotional turmoil(and that's an understatement) that came with my reunion and which some people1111 didn't understand at all and disparage me for, I found it a good idea for me not to lose myself entirely in the reunion. I try to keep the purpose of the search in mind( I found my child!!!) and it is wonderful Knowing is definitely better than not knowing

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  43. Baby Girl Carter, that is the worst story I have ever heard. There may be lots of psychological reasons, but your natural mother's behavior towards you is unconscionable. She really incorporated into her life the admonition that she was to "forget you and make a new life."

    Your birth mother has undoubtedly make it clear to her whole family that they are not to have anything to do with you, and they are honoring that rule of her.

    I winced when I read about the letters with the "REFUSED" on them, for I too had a letter returned with the bright red stamp of REFUSED on it. It happened during one of my daughter's not-talking-to-you periods, and I tried to write to her teen-age daughter living at home with her. I had known her daughter since the girl was born. I think I still have the letter someplace. Some relationships can't be fixed.

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  44. Yes, for me, knowing was always better than not knowing.

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  45. I find it increasingly difficult to encourage anyone to search and try to reunite. Reading all of these stories, there is so much pain and rejection. I will never waiver from my stance that everyone has the right to know, but I think many people go into reunion with expectations that are too high. I know some people say they are only looking for a medical history or want to know their story, but I don't believe that. I think most people are looking for a connection, a relationship and to be part of the family again. And that outcome is soooo rare. I don't know what the answer is, but search and reunion is certainly not the Holy Grail I thought it was.

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  46. Some mothers walk away or simply give up when their child enters into the relationship with the expectation and belief that there's a debt to be paid by the mother. This attitude, coupled with initial anger and new anger, pretty much sets the tone for what ultimately becomes a failed relationship.

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  47. And ya'll want Colin K to embrace all this? Good luck with all that.

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  48. Robin,

    While my mother did not welcome me back with open arms, I am still very, very happy that I found her.

    I now know more about my family of origin and my heritage. Is it a perfect? No, but more of my puzzle has been solved.

    I would never strongly encourage someone else to search because risk is involved, and some people are too fragile to deal with rejection at a particular time in their lives. But, when asked, I always say that, for me, it sucks to be rejected, but it sucks more to not know anything. (That's just me.)

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  49. @ anonymous 1:57pm... Must be fun to sit behind your computer and take shots at a maligned group of people, mothers and their children. Please do tell, what is there to embrace in the likes of you? Threatened adopter? Ya'll come back now, ya hear!

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  50. And maybe Colin Ks mother is better off without behing treated as an ibcubator broodmare, but nice try, ya'll...

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  51. Samuela, if not for his wonderful, giving mother, would she not be in this position of forever outsider?

    Want me to tuck you in?

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  52. Samuela has a phone number. You want it so we can chat?February 10, 2013 at 9:05 AM

    @anonymous redneck coward:

    Wow, what a "wonderful, giving", piece of dirt on the floor you are.

    It is so easy to hide behind your anonymous facade on the internet, huh, YA'LL. I bet you don't have the guts to say the same things to one's face.

    If you know who your mother is or who the child's mother is you are coveting is, please run right out and do just that, say it to her face. Let's see how big and bad Billy Bob or Ellie Mae are then.

    You probably sit in a church pew every Sunday too, don't cha, then come here to degrade and dehumanize people who are suffering, just like your Jeebus taught ya. HYPACRITE.

    Forever outsider?

    Must be rough to live a lie, huh? Those man made legal documents just don't hold up to mother nature, now do they? That must have been a hard reality to face; hence your drivel on a blog called "First Mother Forum".

    No one is asking for your sympathy. Get over yourself, please. You ain't all that. This is quite clear, YA'LL.

    I'd embrace you just like I'd embrace the piece of dirt on the ground beneath you.

    Your rainbows and unicorns, happy dappy, everything is so wonderful world will crumble around you one day. Promise.

    Have fun in church this morning, YA'LL! Make sure you walk out even more a hypocrite than you walked in!

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  53. Jane, you are right that it's crucially important for reuniting mothers (and fathers) to have the support of their partners and family, and of course reuniting adoptees deserve no less from theirs. I don't understand why anyone would withhold support over something as important as reunion, I guess that when the chips are down there are a lot of creepy insecure people out there who won't or can't extend themselves to supporting the people they supposedly love.

    I agree too that social media can harm as much as it can help - maybe even more so. IMO new and sensitive relationships are best established in private, or at least with the only observers being trustworthy friends and family.

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  54. I apologize if I'm curt, but I fail to have sympathy for women that give up their babies in the richest country (used to be) in the world.

    Ya'll aint exactly living on dirt floors.

    Night Sam...you know you'd embrace me.

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  55. This may sound strange but it is somewhat of a relief to read these comments and know that I am not alone. My First mother once became angry with me because I made pasta salad. Apparently, pasta salad was her specialty and she was offended when she came to my house for a gathering and saw that I had made it for my guests. How was I to know she had a monopoly on pasta salad?
    It seemed very odd then that something so minor could cause such a rift but that pasta salad really marked the beginning of the end. My first mother wanted her infant back, one that she could watch grow and feed her special pasta salad to. Instead she got a middle aged woman who already knew how to cook.
    I was a huge disappointment to her.
    There are times when I miss the idea of her but the reality was too much to bear.

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  56. "...but I fail to have sympathy for women that give up their babies in the richest country (used to be) in the world."

    but you are an adopter who expects everyone to have "sympathy" for you and your barren womb, correct?

    Or,

    ...but you are an adoptee who is mad at burfmommy and expect everyone to have "sympathy" for you; but have no empathy or understanding whatsoever for your natural mother or what she might have went through during that horrific time in her life.

    Which is it?

    Like you were there when every mother has lived through that nightmare.

    What an a**hole.

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  57. Baby Girl Carter 68February 11, 2013 at 6:36 PM

    I hope that one day my mother and I will have the opportunity to reconcile and be able to share our lives and that it is not a lost cause or unfixable relationship/reunion.

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  58. I was in reunion with my first mother for over 10 years. I met her when my first child was a year old. I held this in secret from my a parents, terrified they would find out. It took a long time but they did find out and my a-dad screamed at my husband about how my a-mom was such a wonderful mother and how could I do this to her. My first mother really wanted to see us around Christmas, I was also trying to keep up with my inlaws and see them. My first mother did not understand why she had to be a secret.

    I asked my first mom to come visit within certain dates and she booked her flight two days later. I dropped her off at the airport and picked my a-parents up 30 minutes later.

    I sat in the Kmart parking lot and sobbed like I had never sobbed before. I am not close to my adoptive parents but I could not be ungrateful to them. I could not manage it all, 3 children, a husband, two sets of parents and my mother. I wrote her a letter and broke it off. I liked to say that I felt bad about it and not guilty...but I feel SO guilty.

    Now 20 years since we met I have met my first father and my original family on his side. She does not know this but he did not know about me. His parents covered up my existence. She did tell him about me in anger when I was 13 an again after we met. She shared my name with him and his with me....more fear.

    My first dad and I have a wonderful connection...I just can't explain it. I have a wonderful husband who has struggled but is now supportive. My dad's wife calls him a "sperm donor" and does not see the big deal. But my dad has made a commitment to me, been to therapy to me, and has said he will not leave. I know that there are no guarantees, but I believe he will do his best. My whole paternal side has been wonderful.

    And now, what to do. I have read my entire adoption record this year and found out so many more things about my mother. I just don't know where to go from here. I have alot more therapy to do with regard to my mother...a lot of big stuff. My dad was an absent father and my mother was not much of a mother. As I write all this at almost 47 years old I still marvel that this is my life.

    I don't want to hurt my mother anymore. I hurt her so much and she wanted to be my mother but no one would help her. I am going to continue to go to therapy...it's all I can do.

    This stuff just hurts so much, hurts for the mothers, children who are now adults, and even my first dad. SO MUCH FEAR.

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    Replies
    1. That is so sad...what could ur adoptive family have done differently to help u feel closer and more loved. how can an adoptive family save thier child from this emotional pain u r suffering? Plz help me know for my kids.

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  59. Anon,
    I encourage you to talk to your therapist about trying to contact your first mother and explain why you broke off the relationship.

    Your mother may well great you with open arms, excited to have you back in her life.

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  60. My daughter found me 11 months into reunion she the daughter cut off communication. It really Hurt as someone had Died. I'm just Lost with sleepless nights. I'm in therapy. We even went to Therapy together. I was introduced to her son he called me Grandma. If adopted didn't want a relationship with me why did she allow me to relationship with grandson. My daughter has relationship with other relatives of mine but not with me. Sad in Indy.

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  61. I am an adoptive mom dont forget about me or underestimate my love for my adopted child. i wanted him and i still do as long as i hav breath he will b the center of my family. I love my child...every single day i will fight for him and b there for him. being a mom is more then biology. my feelings matter. my love is true and strong. people today adopt out of love and bc they want a child and family. i will do everything i can to feircely protect my son from the kind of hurt u r bitching about in this forum...ur man doesnt like ur bio child? Is he still inconveinent? U still wont sacrafice or put that child first? What makes u think u deserve a relationship w that child? U gave him up and now he is mine i didnt do u a babysitting favor for all these years...i dont want to share him w u. I am threatened and jealous of u too...what i am reading in this forum is petty selfish and messed up! Ur baby doesnt owe u...u owe them an explination u owe them being patient and an open heart if they choose to seek u out...iether bring ur a game or back off. The adoptive parents deserve ur respect for stepping up and doing what u could not. Many of u bloggers make me sick...poor me poor me. What about ur poor babies? Just thank god if someone loved them and did thier best for them when u could not or would not. I hate that u r making adoptive families the enemy here...we r thier real parents bc we chose to step up and open our hearts homes and lives! why should i share my joy with u...u chose to give him up. that rock u tossed aside is a brilliant diamond to us and u cant ever hav him back i will never give up on him or give him back he is too pecious. so back off birth moms us adoptive moms r strong and we dont like people who hurt our babies.

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  62. [Birth Mother,] First Mother Forum

    A place where first/birth/natural/real mothers share news and opinions. And vent.


    And apparently wonderful adoptive mothers. I know there are some, but do any of the regular FMs who read here go to adoptive sites and yell at adoptive mothers? I sure don't.

    Of course, we are supposed to "be nice," and not raise our voices, right?

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    1. Well it is pretty upsetting when i read about birth moms being emtionally fragile w the child they gave up!! U need to be stong for them...if u r going to accept contact then suck it up and be strong...they dont owe u anything that child has a wound of abandonment that u put on them...the ultimate insult is to do it twice. And i cant beleive most birth moms feel this way about adoptive parents...and the child they gave up. Most of what i read in this forum is a nightmare i cant believe it even exsists.

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  63. I just don't understand. Y would u look 4 birthmother find her and not stay in relationship. U looked 4 Bmom but now don't want relationship. Who wants 2 stay n pain I like Peace better

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  64. @Anonymous 2:20 AM

    Seeing you have the bad grammar of a 12 year old child, how you passed a home study is beyond me. No, raising a child doesn't make you a parent neither. If that was the case, then we should start giving nannies legal rights over the children they raise. And yes, nannies only do it to get paid at first, but they do bond with the children they raise.

    "i will do everything i can to feircely protect my son from the kind of hurt u r bitching about in this forum..."

    If you truly did love him and would protect him as you say you do, then you would have found a way for him to stay with his natural family, then try to take him as possession as your own.

    "U gave him up and now he is mine"

    A child is a human being and doesn't belong to anyone. Thank you for proving just how greedy possessive and entitled you adopters really are.

    If you adopters didn't demand babies, these women would have never been coerced or forced against their will to surrender their children.

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    Replies
    1. His natual family gave him up i didnt snatch him from some other woman. lol compairing an adoptive parent to a nanny is laughable! Nannies dont sacrafice for a child the way a mommy does...and by the way i hav natural children too. i adopted to save a life...save a child from a life in foster care and group homes bc we wanted a child bc i love my children. if u think someone takes on the responsibility of another human being out of selfishness then u dont know what love compassion are. It costs a lot of money to raise a child a ton of time and there r good times and bad. but its what parents...be there and care and love...i wouldnt give up the joy of being his mommy for anything and his siblings and my husband feel the same. we r thinking about adopting again soon. we have room in our home and hearts to open out lives to another child..bc there r litterally 1000's of children who need a family to love them a place to belong a place of thier own where love is unconditional. Ps since i am texting u i hope u can excuse my grammar

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  65. First of all I want to say "thank you" to those of you who gave me such encouragement when I first posted a couple of weeks ago. I did have a wonderful visit with my son,and by God's grace a really good day on his birthday. I also chose to meet his mom (aka Adoptive mother),and this is where I'd like to leave some comments. I find some of the attitudes toward these women very troubling, and I also find troubling some of the attitudes expressed about natural mothers. To blame and be angry at a woman because she cannot bear a child and then goes through a legal adoption process is unfair to say the least. Likewise it is a gross injustice to judge a woman for relinquishing her child. There is no benefit in either approach, rather it perpetuates the lack of understanding and empathy for either side. I do not view my son's mom as my enemy,it is what it is,and we all must find a way to be at peace with our pasts,as well as our present, and MOVE ON by the grace of God. Granted there probably are some adoptive mothers who are awful people - likewise I'm sure goes for some natural mothers. But to paint everyone with the same negative and judgemental brush is hurtful and counterproductive to say the least. We are all PEOPLE, for better or worse, just trying to deal with our STUFF. And in case anyone wonders why I've referred to his adoptive mother as his "mom", its simply because that what she is. That privilege was denied me,I am his mother though, and that privilege was denied her as well. FACTS we both have to come to terms with. That's where the peace in these situations lie, NOT in ugliness and mudslinging.

    Elizabeth- aka Eagle's Wings

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    Replies
    1. Thank u! I hope my kids bmom has a brain like urs.

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  66. This is the most refreshing blog site I have visited in a long time. Have had reunion in 1993, then lost that connection in 2001. It has been such a painful process that I am relieved to read the words on these pages. Thank you so much for the courage you have in putting this site together. Blessings to you all.

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  67. some of you fmoms can't understand why your child would leave... well, I have to be honest I have been very tempted to walk away from my reunion with my fmom. It is hard enough to know you were a mistake and rejected. In my case my afamily situation was not a good one and they literally disowned me when I was a teenager. I was absolutely beside myself and clung to the hope that at least my "real mommy" was out there some where and had loved me enough to try to do the right thing. When I was in my mid-20s I attempted contact with her but was rejected AGAIN! in the meantime I found my fdad and he denied me saying my fmom slept around and I wasn't his. We tried for many years but he eventually walked out on me. 40+ years later my fmom decided she did want to know me after all... and then confessed to me how she treated me with total disregard, resented me and abused me and none of it mattered. She and her boyfriend (not my father) came first and they did whatever felt good to them even though it was at my expense. She did not give me away for "a better life" but because she just wanted to get rid of me and "have a life". But I am supposed to just forget all of that because she's decided she's here for me now. I can't even begin to express how much all four of my parents have hurt me but she wins the prize. I have been crying every day for months on end. I'm going to therapy every week. I feel like I'm completely worthless and I was used by her and her boyfriend and then thrown away like a piece of garbage. I'm not even allowed to say to her - ya know what, that really hurts - because she can't stand the smell of the pile of crap she created and she gets angry at me that I'm hurt by her actions.

    Believe it or not having said all of this I still love her and so I am choosing to white-knuckle my way through hoping that some day I'll be able to put all of that somewhere and have my Mom who I have always so very desperately wanted and needed and loved my whole life.

    Too bad she never felt the same way back.

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  68. Anon: that is a terrible story and it is good that you are getting help at least through therapy. Obviously there will always be natural parents...who should not be parents. Your luck of the draw turned out to be not so lucky. We hope the best for you in the future, and that you are able to see that your parents' actions do not have to determine the rest of your life.

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  69. There was a time that I wanted a relationship w/ my daughter more than anything in the world.

    I have not had any contact with her in 5 years because her response to an ecard for her birthday was to write back "LEAVE ME ALONE". So I did.

    That's not to say I haven't watched her from afar. I read her blog, her social networking, etc. It's all I had.

    Over the last several months - with no catalyst from me - she has become very aggressive. Sending nasty messages on my blog, blogging hateful messages to me on her blog, unblocking me on FB long enough to send vitriolic messages to my inbox, reading my twitter and posting hateful things about me on her blog. She has been mean, cruel, hateful.

    Her messages say to not contact her. (I haven't.)

    They say to stop talking about her online. (I never have used her name, and use a pseudonym for myself. Mostly I just talk adoption issues in general - but she perceives that as 'about her')

    She says to stop 'stalking' her - but she seeks ME out regularly, even when I use pseudonymous names/accounts.

    She claims she's scared of me - but I've made no effort to speak to or reach out to her per her wishes, though I know how.

    She also knows how to contact me directly, but chose to do her attacking online, publicly, naming my other children. I have been called an egg donor, heard that I am nothing, that she is ashamed of me, wants nothing to do with me, have been called a hypocrite (??) and on and on and on. It's been an unending assault.

    I have stayed silent, which seems to only encourage her. When she received no response to a lengthy blogging telling me to not contact her, she called me a coward for not contacting her.

    I really can't win.

    What I do know, is that all these years down the road, I finally have some self-esteem, some confidence, I know myself and value my needs. I know what boundaries I need. I no longer put up with anyone's abuse - not even from her.

    So, while I once would have given the world to be in contact with her, I no longer want to be and wish she would just stop and leave me alone. I simply will not enter an abusive relationship with her, or allow her to abuse me.

    That's why I walked / am currently walking away. I do realize I may be burning a bridge I can never cross again, but I'm just not going to be treated like that. Even if it is her.

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  70. Dear Anonymous: It has been more than 24 hours since you left your comment so I don't know if you will be back to see this, but....

    I get it completely. My daughter ran hot and cold for most of our relationship, though nothing like you describe. Her raised daughter once told me that after years of our relationship, after my granddaughter knowing me since birth, my daughter announced that she was never going to have anything to do with me AGAIN. EVER. I got a letter back once with "REJECTED" stamped on it in RED.

    Just before my daughter died, she said to me, You are my true family, I see that now. I love you.

    After I connected with the granddaughter my daughter gave up for adoption, we had a good relationship for about 18 months. It was Terrific! Then I felt her pull back and she stopped answering her emails. When I finally bugged her enough for a response, she wrote that she was "in a good place" now and didn't want to have contact for the present time.

    I wrote back and basically said, You've got it, kiddo. That was well over a year ago. At first I was sad, but eventually I came to...So it goes.

    I had lived with my daughter's comings and goings and was not willing to put myself through that emotional turmoil all over again. She wants to not be bothered with a relationship with her natural grandmother? Fine. I am not willing to be a doormat.

    Protect yourself. Move on. She will always be your daughter, but maybe not someone you will have a relationship with. You can't change her, you can only change your own attitude. What your daughter is doing is not of your making, or your fault. It just is.

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  71. Thank you, Lorraine. I know I'm doing the right thing for my emotional and mental health by stepping back. It is sad, and it grieves me, but it's the healthiest thing for me to do at this point. We'll see what the future holds. Maybe nothing. I'll deal with each day as it comes, in the 'safest' manner possible. I appreciate your kind words of understanding.

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  72. I very much appreciated this article. And my own mother directed me to it, probably in hopes it might make me feel less alone with the issues I have had with my own daughter whom I gave up when I was 15 years old. However, my situation is varied from the one described in the article. I found she wanted money, or she wanted me to be her champion when her adoptive parents wanted her to do things she had no ambition to do or she expects her to be the center of the universe. I have watched her walk on the backs of so many people who love her. She is completely incapable of having any empathy for any one else. I have tried to be there for her only for her to lash out at me out of no where. Then she is always expecting me to apologize when I only said something she didn't like or I gave an opinion that differed from hers. The other thing she does is belittles people for her own amusement then tells other people she isn't talking to some one because she felt they were bullying her. I don't know, i could go on and on. But I did wait for 20 years for her to find me (she actually got some one else to do all the finding leg work, because "she just couldn't figure out what to do"). She has no motivation to care about any one but herself, so I have taken a step back. I know she will never apologize, but I can only wonder how much resentment, hatred and bitterness I am supposed to take from her when my only intention was to give her every thing I personally could not. She was welcomed with open arms and spit in my face for it.

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  73. Jessica:

    If you come back, I hope you take a moment to read my earlier comment from another mother who put up with bad behavior--and I do mean that--from a reunited child. After a while you realize that the harm from the adoption itself cannot be rectified, and again, my advice is, protect yourself from abuse. Coming to terms with this is one of the hardest aspects of adoption--that your child, now adult, will always be ready to spit emotionally in your face. The last time my daughter did not talk to me--and told my granddaughter and her husband, We are never going to have contact with Lorraine again--I felt terrible because of the incident that sparked it. I think she knew at bottom--she must have--I had a right to be upset and that made her madder. My husband said: Look upon this as a vacation.

    I knew exactly what he meant. As for what the incident was and what happened after--you'll have to read the memoir I am finishing and now let me get to finishing this last draft!

    Oh such a tease...

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  74. I can say after my daughter found us her birthmom and dad and 4 brothers it went well till she got pregnant and then we got a dear john letter which devested us . We have had on and off relations for the last 20 yrs and now I feel I don't need this relationship anymore , it's too hard and my husband and I are now 70 and he is not well. I think after all the reading of blogs and all the experience I've had the best ids to leave lying dogs lie. Sometimes it's best not to know and move forward . My biggest problem with my adopted daughter is she wouldn't tell her mom and I felt this relationship was a deception , she was always fearful she would find out.... Now that the adoptive parents are dead I know she she really loved them and that's fine so why disrupt my life ? God helps me with this and I'm very content now .

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