' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Dad chooses parenthood over football scholarship

Friday, November 28, 2014

Dad chooses parenthood over football scholarship

Mason Riddle with  Dad Sam and Mom Bri Krokum
It's a story we'll all heard--and some of us have lived through--high school athlete gets girl pregnant. The choice of abortion or adoption would be what many would make; to chose the other path--to be a father--would mean forgetting his dream of  a full college scholarship playing for a school in the top level of college ball, Division 1. Pro players usually come from Division I schools.

And so it was for Sam Riddle, the star quarterback of Century High's team in Portland, Oregon. In the middle of the 2012 football season, when Sam was a senior, he and his girl friend Bri Krokum learned she was pregnant. "'I almost passed out,' Sam told
Oregonian sports editor Keith Sharon. '"I thought about not graduating from high school, not graduating from college, working at a minimum-wage job the rest of my life. I thought of the worst--I am going to be the joke of the school.'"

Sam and Bri told only a trusted friend about the pregnancy. They decided against abortion, but began exploring adoption. "They put together a notebook with on page labeled 'Adoption' and another labeled 'Parenting.' They wrote down the pros and cons of giving away and keeping the baby" according to Sharon.
Jane

In January, 2103, Sam went with his father, Dave, to the University of North Dakota in Grand Forks, where he was offered a football scholarship and the opportunity to play in a Division I school. His heart told him to reject the offer, but he didn't want to disappoint his Dad.

Eventually Sam and Bri told their families about the pending child. Sam's father pushed abortion, convinced that the football scholarship would be Sam's only opportunity to attend college. But Sam and Bri decided to keep their baby. Little Mason Riddle was born May 28, 2013. Sam proposed to Bri on July 25, her birthday. Three days later, Sam said goodbye to Bri and his son and left for North Dakota. His heart just wasn't in it.

A month after the school term began, Sam returned to Portland. He contacted Linfield College, a small liberal arts college about 40 miles from his home. As a Division III school, Linfield could not offer an athletic scholarship, but it was able to put together a financial-aid package with grants and a campus job. Sam is now a sophomore at Linfield, and has led the Wildcats to a 9-1 record. Dave Riddle questions why he ever suggested abortion. "'When I spend time with Mason,' the new grandfather said "I'm almost ashamed of myself. ...I've come to appreciate Sam's handling of the situation.'"

This story could have turned out so wrong. Sam and Bri could have ended up like so many other teens who gave up their babies to realize their dreams and only later learned they had made a Faustian bargain. I'm writing this piece in hopes that other teens "in the family way" see this story and realize that untimely baby is not a dead end but a beginning of a journey filled with hope and love--jane
______________________
SOURCE 
D-I ball couldn't offer this

FROM FMF:
Kudos to Walmart
Catelynn and Tyler: Inconsolable Grief

TO READ
Without a Map: A Memoir By Meredith Hall
Really, a beautiful memoir by a gifted writer about love, loss and family. The book was a big seller in 2007. It's a wonderful story for all affected by adoption--and who isn't today--and simply a good read. Highly recommended.  

29 comments :

  1. That is a lovely story with a happy ending , as many of ours would have been had the guy "done the right thing" and married the mom and taken responsibility for his child.It happened to my best friend two years before me. They are still married almost 50 years! It sure would have worked for me, a little older as a college student, but the boyfriend was my first and the love of my life and we had been together for over a year when I got pregnant. My man was no athlete, but a pre-med student hoping to be a doctor, an immigrant son of immigrant parents who spoke little English. He worked part time with his brother-in-law as a carpenter to earn money for school, and the Vietnam era draft was looming over him.I had been his guest at his sister's fairy tale Hungarian wedding and had dinner with his parents every Sunday. Yes, even resident aliens were drafted then. When he missed a semester of grad school due to lack of money, his number came up. He refused to go, and the FBI busted in at 6:00 AM and dragged him away, me screaming after him. He eventually did some time and community service, then resumed his education, as I learned years later.

    When he refused to marry me when I told him I was pregnant, and said he had been seeing someone else on the side and no longer loved me, it broke my heart. The song "If I Were a Carpenter" held special bitter meaning to me after that. His education mattered more than me or our son, as did the bitch he took up with while I was pregnant. I learned he later married her, but it did not last and they had no children. He did become a Ph.D. professor of anatomy at a medical school, and only recently retired. He had one other marriage that ended badly, and one son from that marriage who is estranged from him. I still have sad dreams about him, and see him in our son's face.

    The "happy ending" story would have worked for me (oh, if only my Dad had a shotgun!) but for many mothers who were not so involved with the father, things were much more complicated. Some of us were pregnant by guys we would never want to marry, and did not want involved with our lives forever because of the child. Some were in abusive situations or were raped. It was not always a love match, and even when it was, by the time the child was born, the parents were no longer a couple.

    Yes, this is a good example and cautionary tale for those in long-term relationship surprised by an unplanned pregnancy, but certainly does not apply to all

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    1. maryanne: I never knew your story in any detail, and it is a heart-breaker, though the father of your first child here--first love and love of your life--comes off as a grade A jerk on many levels, and even you see that today. It is ironic that his son from a marriage is estranged from him.

      Yes, your dad's shotgun would have let you keep your son. Thanks for sharing your story.

      And yes, I also remember the Vietnam era when most of the educated young men did a lot of avoid going--stay in school, get married, have a child. A few became conscientious objectors (a difficult category to join), as did my first husband, after we married.

      Jane's story was not meant to apply to all, but just to be a good story for what can happen--if a teenage father steps up to the plate when a child is born. I am so glad that the couple found enough reasons against "adoption" as a choice.

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  2. This is a wonderful story. How in any way at all can a scholarship be worth more than a child? And why can't a married man with a child accept the scholarship and continue on to school? There are student loans and part-time jobs. I'm glad the young man continued his education. An untimely pregnancy doesn't always have to be an either/or situation. After my first marriage ended, I had three young children, was in graduate school, and received no child support from my -ex. My parents paid my mortgage for several years, I took out student loans, and I finished my PhD. It was a struggle, but I managed. If only I had received that kind of help when my first son was born, I could have raised him too, but there was no either/or for me. There was only ADOPTION and a lifetime of loss, because even after reunion, nothing can ever be the same.

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    1. I don't think UND barred athletes from being married as they did in the past. However the football scholarship would not have covered the expenses of a family.

      Sam lives in a dormitory at Linfield College. Bri and the baby live with her grandmother. Sam visits on weekends.

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  3. This is a nice story with a happy ending and one that clearly illustrates that today's unplanned pregnancies do not have to end in adoption. Had the unplanned pregnancy climate back in 1969 been similar to the present era, I would have been able to keep my first child as I had a boyfriend who was more than willing to step up to the plate. I ended up marrying him and am still married to him today. He did drop out of school for a short time to get enough money to pay the medical bills and the daily living expenses. The draft was also hanging over our heads and we were worried that he'd have to go to Vietnam; fortunately, the draft lottery was the one and only lottery we ever won.

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  4. Thanks so much for sharing this story. This is why I hate broad statements like "Well, his/her life was a wreck. What was supposed to happen to the child?" It all depends on what you mean by "wreck." I suspect that most situations characterized as being a "wreck" are in fact not in the category that would lead to adoption as the only solution.

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  5. I am so grateful for this young man stepping up for his child. My daughter and her boyfriend as seniors in High School had a baby girl. They decided, with much pressure from all of her peers and family (yes, myself), that it was not the right time to raise a child. That it would affect the outcome of their futures and careers. After 2 1/2 years, we ALL wish we could go back and realize the affects of the separation from this precious baby girl. Nobody in the adoption world told us how this choice would be so devastating. So, these two brave students made the right decision for this child and themselves! I praise God they listened to their heart and not what the world tells them about success. We are struggling with an Open Adoption that has closed. I so desperately wish we could go back and do this all over again. I will say, that we are in a lawsuit right now and as soon as it is over, Myself and my family will advocate for the truth about open adoption fraud, do all we can to change laws and most of all, educate our crisis pregnancy centers and the public to the harm adoption does to families. If anyone out there has any resources to do this or wisdom on how to even start, please let me know.

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  6. It is a nice story but statistics show that the majority of people getting married because they are going to have a baby, those marriages usually fail. It's great he married her, but now, suppose in a few years and a few more babies down the road, the marriage doesn't work, she is then a single mom. There is nothing in the story that says whether or not she went to college, so let's assume she didn't, the two of them have just made it harder not just on themselves, but on their children to provide a good life for the children. As an adoptee, I can tell you for a mother to do what is right for her or his child is a very hard decision to make and yes, there will be regrets and a lifetime of questioning yourself if you did the right thing. My birth mom questioned herself for over 40 years. When we found each other and she told me she always questioned if she did the right the thing by putting me up for adoption, I assured her she did. She was 16 when she had me and not ready to be a parent, even though she did try to find ways to keep me without having to get married. 3 months after I was born, she decided to do what was best for both of us and that was to give me up for adoption. My adopted parents felt she gave them a gift. Many people who adopt don't do it to hurt the birth parents, but because for some reason, they can't have children of their own, so they chose to adopt a child or children to give them a chance of a better life. I had a wonderful life and the two or three stipulations that my birth wanted for me, the agency made sure I got. My birth mom didn't want me to be an only child, the adopting parents had to live out in the country and they had to be Lutherans. So, I was adopted by a couple who an adopted son, they lived out in the country raised some cattle and sheep and they were Lutherans. In the end, I was the second oldest out 4 children; the youngest were their natural children which they never thought they would have. On birth mother's side, she got pregnant again, married the father, had 2 more children by him and then got divorced when she found out he was a pedophile. She remarried sometime later and had two more children.
    I've known teen mothers who shouldn't have kept their children, but I can say the same about some adults who shouldn't be parents either. I myself found myself in the family way when I was 17 and decided to keep my baby. I was 18 when I had her and if I had to do all over again, I would have put her up for adoption so she could have had a better life than what she did have. A year after she was born, I did marry her father and we another child together, but the marriage failed a year and half later. I don't regret keeping, I regret not giving her a better life; and isn't that what we all want for children?

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    1. Full time mom: Your post troubled me deeply. You, as an adult adoptee, can truly say you regret not "giving your child a better life"? You sound as if you truly believe your own relinquishment and adoption was the best thing for you, and your adoptive parents looked upon you as a "gift".

      I am sorry, This post knocked me for a loop. I am glad you had a happy life, but I do wish you were more in touch with the realities of adoption and how most first mothers and adoptees feel about it. The picture you paint of adoption is what the general public wants to hear. This is one of the reasons adoption reform is not happening. Adoptees and first mothers are speaking out against this God-awful institution, but no one is listening because they still want to believe adoption is a happy win-win situation.

      For every step forward adoption reform takes, we seem to take 3 or 4 steps back. I am really surprised there are adoptees out there who still feel as you do.

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    2. full time mom,
      How do you know that if you had placed your daughter for adoption she would have gotten a better life? Adoptive parents are just as likely to divorce as any other couple. And without the biological tie, the adoptive father, in particular, may have felt even less of a connection to her. Being an adoptee, your daughter may have been negatively affected by a whole host of psychological and emotional issues caused by the fact that she was given away. Issues that she didn't have to deal with since she was kept.

      I agree with Julia Emily. Your comment troubled me deeply. It sounds like you are brainwashed by the adoption machine. You need to keep in mind that basically anyone can adopt as long as they have the money. There is no guarantee that your child would have gotten good adoptive parents. Jerry Sandusky was able to adopt several children. And there is also no guarantee that your daughter would have been fine with being given up to strangers. And you may not have fared well either. While I can't speak for first mothers, certainly reading this blog, and the many others, you can see the long term devastating consequences for many (most) first mothers from relinquishing their child. You may very well have ended up in the same boat.

      Maybe whatever you feel you were unable to give your daughter as she grew up you could try to make up for now. I truly do not see how giving her away would have helped. My mother was forced to give me up because of my being born out of wedlock at a time when that was completely unacceptable to society. But my two-parent so-called 'better' family was history before I even entered preschool.

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    3. Robin,

      Thank you for your compassion for first moms. I appreciate your honesty as well.
      Do you have a relationship with your first mom? Are you ok with me asking you some questions? I am 47 years old and my first grandchild was relinqueshed almost 3 years ago. We were told all the wonderful things about open adoption. We were never educated to the painful side of this. And most of all, never expected the adoptive family to close the adoption. They only received this baby because they agreed to it being open and for my daughter and my family to be an extended family. You seem to have good decernement and some compassion for birth families.

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    4. Full time mom,

      I am responding with one more thought to your post. My daughter dated one of the top students in her high school for 3 years before she became pregnant. He was always planning on going into aerospace engineering. My daughter was very excited to be heading to college. The pregnancy totally devastated them and our families and put us in crisis mode. We also were brainwashed into thinking our kids needed to pursue college and thought it was a good idea for an open adoption.

      They did the open adoption and went to college. My daughter came home after first semester after the adoptive family closed the adoption. She was devastated, but took some classes at a community college for second semester. The next fall, she thought she was good to go back to the University, she came back home before the semester ended. She was depressed, physically sick all the time and couldn't focus on college. She has stopped going to college, and works full time right now. The affects of this adoption and the loss of her daughter has caused her to be unable to go to college.

      The really smart birth father, he went to our state university for 3 semesters on depression and sleep meds and it wasn't until after the 3rd semester that his parents found out that he failed almost every one of his classes for all 3 semesters. He had to come home and is now working at Menards for minimum wage. He is in an intense PTSD Trauma counseling at this time.

      These two smart and fantastic kids, ruined by the pain of giving up there daughter. So, this is TRUTH about how well birthparents fair after relinquishment.

      Most of all, look at all the uncertainty in their lives. We as parents, have watched our very capable kids fail college. What is their future going to hold for them? Is this any better than the uncertainty of raising your own child? I don't believe so.

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    5. Jennifer,
      Yes, it's okay if you ask me questions and I do have relationships with both sides of my bio-families.

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  7. Full time mom,
    I surely do not want to hurt your feelings. I am concerned about some of your comments. Is it that you might have some bitterness in your heart for your situation? Or maybe somewhere in the deep, you have some unresolved feelings about your adoption? I just can not understand why you would talk about your own children in this way?

    You need to know that your children need YOU! And that you are truly blessed to be raising them. What is your idea of a better life for your children? No amount of money or things or opportunity could EVER replace a relationship with their natural mother? The outcome of anyones life is uncertain, which is no reason to give your children away. Most of us bought into this lie and we have paid the horrific price of being separated from our babies and grandchildren.

    I am so willing to give you grace with some of your comments, I know how hard it is to be a "full time mom". I raised 3 daughters under 5 years of age. I was a full time, stay home mom. It was hard at times, but I choose to believe it is a blessing to be the full time mother of my children. Please love up those children of yours and appreciate the gifts you have been given.

    My daughter did an "open adoption" with a family almost 3 years ago. They closed it after 9 months for no reason. My daughter would give anything to be parenting her child, no matter what. And I believe there are many birthmothers who wish the same.

    I also believe it is quite possible that your birthmother was destroyed emotionally when she gave you up for adoption. You have no idea what happens to birthmothers when they relinquish their children. I have witnessed all the depression, suicide thoughts, inability to perform or focus, the sleeplessness, ect. in my own daughters life for the last 3 years. This pain never ends. I have compassion for your mother. She did not know what she was doing and the lifelong pain she lives with on a daily basis. The truth is, if your birthmother would have parented you, her life might have been better? I will always be convinced that giving up a child is destructive to so many most of all the child and the mother.

    No matter what happens between this young man and the mother of their child, this is the right decision for everyone! Most of all, the child.

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    Replies
    1. Jennifer, my heart goes out to you, your daughter, and your family.

      We in the adoption reform community try to provide information to expectant moms about the realities of adoption but it's an uphill battle. Can you think of ways we could have reached you and your daughter before she gave up her baby?

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    2. Thank you Jane for caring.

      I sometimes wonder if we missed something or some sort of education somewhere that would have given us the other side of how beautiful adoption is for everyone. But I will be honest, It is not here. We are Christians and we went to a crisis pregnancy center to get help and counseling. Although they never pushed adoption, they did share the option and a list of adoption attorneys.

      I have become very sensitive to anything said about adoption, or advertisements on line or resources listed on our church websites. I am struck by how little anyone knows about the pain of all parties involved.

      I would like to see our pregnancy centers be educated fully about the affects of adoption just as they have educated themselves with the affects of abortion. Since they both affect the mothers in almost identical ways, why would we not have known this? I believe that our pregnancy centers truly have good intensions but they really want to stop abortion and I applaud them for that. But they must fully understand the adoption grief as well.

      I have spoken to one specific pregnancy center and gave them my name and phone number to keep on file. I do not want any mother to feel like the only thing they can do is to relinquish there baby. I have offered to house and help anyone who feels forced to do this. I believe no mother wants to give up their baby.

      I wish I had researched on the internet, I believe what you are doing now on this site is very helpful. Many can speak out with in this way and be safe and truth is being said. It has been so hard to try and make people understand what we have been walking through. You are right, it is an uphill battle but we all have to get involved one by one and our voices and stories need to get out.

      I can't think of anything you could have done to reach out to us. We were so unreachable. Hiding in our own home protecting our family, keeping to ourselves, grieving. I believe we thought an open adoption would be the answer to the problem and then all our lives can go on just like before the pregnancy.

      We have hired an attorney for the last year and 1/2 and have recently filed suit against the adoptive family and the attorney who actually represented both parties and commited terrible malpractice. So, we are praying for a miracle to happen. Our attorney has seen the horrible affects of adoption and is a huge advocate for birthparents. As soon as we are done with the lawsuit, which will be another year from now, we plan on changing laws here in Iowa. We have one of the worst states for adoption fraud and protection for mothers and fathers. We also plan on doing all we can in newspapers, editorials, TV, radio, anywhere we can get our voices heard. We have gone through so much, that we will do all we can to save one mother and child from separation.

      I would also like to get real with our area crisis pregnancy centers. They need to be educated on what is taking place with adoption. My heart tells me this is the place to start. I feel like girls are drawn to these centers for help and the centers and the mothers feel better about doing adoption as apposed to abortion. It is a false sense of relief and peace.

      I have the desire and the time to do something about this tragedy, I just don't really know the place to start. I have ideas but it is hard to do this just being one family.

      If you have any ideas for us, please let me know.
      I so wish we would have learned and researched to come upon blogs like yours.

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    3. I do wish you would have come here before all of this happened to you. Cases like yours are all too common. The prospective adoptive parents, and the agency or crisis pregnancy center will say or do anything to get the baby. Once they adopters have the baby they close the adoption as tight as could be. And there are no laws to prevent it. Adoptive parents hold all the cards in cases like this. I am hard pressed to believe that the crisis pregnancy centers are trying to do the right thing. They might make you believe that, but it isn't so.

      One thing that I feel MUST get across is this: adoption and abortion are NOT related. At all. Adoption is not the alternative to abortion. Crisis pregnancy centers know this, but domestic infant adoption is a big money making industry. They are not going to tell any first mother how painful it can be.

      Readily available contraception is the answer to abortion. That, and decent sex-education in schools. Adoption is not a reproductive choice. Somehow people have to be made to understand that the two are not related.

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    4. Jennifer, We're proud of you and your family for pursuing your daughter's case and planning to work on changing the laws in Iowa. I'm wondering if you filed a complaint against your former attorney with the Iowa Bar Association. Some states allow attorneys to represent both first and adoptive parents and that may be the case in Iowa. If so, that law needs to be changed.

      I don't want to add to your grief but we can't share your confidence in crisis pregnancy centers, We at FMF have heard too many stories about them tricking young mothers into giving up their babies. Here's a post we did several years ago based on the work of investigatve reporter Kathryn Joyce. http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2009/08/shotrun-adoptions-via-crises-pregnancy.html

      Please write to us from tine to time and let us know how you and your family are doing.

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    5. Jane, yes, Iowa does allow for dual representation. We found this out the hard way. This is how it happened in the briefest way. My husband & I took my daughter to a pregnancy center when we all found out she was pregnant. We went home with a list of adoption attorneys and agencies. At the time we were just exploring adoption. After a few months, My daughter and I contacted an attorney on the list and set up the first meeting with her to just talk about options in adoption. My daughter, her boyfriend, and both sets of us parents were all there. We fully believed this attorney was working in the best interest of my daughter and her baby.

      Long story short, the adoptive family was from out state and they happened to be from our church. This is a story in itself that would shock all of you, or maybe not.
      So, our attorney handled the adoption with them. We did not have any idea our attorney represented the adoptive family. She never told us.

      After the adoptive couple took the baby out of state, 3 weeks later, they started to close the adoption. I think many of you understand what I mean by "started to close".
      They deleted our family off Facebook for no reason and the language in their emails became very different from when we interviewed them several times. We contacted our attorney and told her about the language and what they were doing. She was upset at first and told us she would handle it. (We fully believed she would since she was our attorney). Things got much worse in the next couple of weeks because the adoptive couple didn't want to give back Facebook and didn't like that we were confronting them on their promises. THEN, the adoptive couple told us we could have the baby back. We were so excited because we knew this family was not the same family who promised all the beautiful things for all of us in this "open adoption". WE SAID "YES", we believed she was coming home. I contacted our attorney and told her to make it work, how ever she needed to get this done, to just do it. I told her I would pay anything that she needed paid. She agreed. 2 days later she told us that she would not be able to get the baby back without the fathers approval to do so. We were devastated! The father of the baby was so confused and didn't know what to do. He didn't want to make that decision. We believed her. Surely she would do any thing to get this baby back because she was looking our for my daughters best interest and worked for us? We found out a few months later that this was a lie and we confronted her on it. This is when she started to turn against us and we clearly saw a change in her behavior. This is also when she told us she didn't represent us! We were stunned! So of course she wanted the adoption to go through! She wanted the money! And this is one huge conflict of interest and a HORRIBLE law! And our situation is a perfect example of this fraud! This is one of the many laws we want to change. We did not get the baby back. We did not file a complaint with the Iowa Bar Association. We chose to file suit against her for 4 different counts. An attorney like this should lose her license.

      I am sorry if I offended anyone by being naive about the pregnancy centers. I have to tell you, I am always one to give people the benefit of the doubt and want to think good about people. My view has changed much because of all the wrong that has been done to our family, I never really connected our situation with the pregnancy center. I blame ourselves for not knowing better. We are an educated, intact family. I blame the adoptive family for talking us into this. They did a fantastic job of lying. And I blame the corrupt attorney, who we thought worked for us.

      I will certainly keep in touch with what is going on here with the lawsuit and our efforts to speak out and change laws. I have the best attorney fighting for us.

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    6. Dear Jennifer,

      For what it's worth, I just want to give you a big hug and say I am so sorry. I wish I could bring your granddaughter back to your family. Instead, all I am able to offer is this measly virtual hug. I am praying hard for a happy reunion.

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    7. Thank you so much, you do not know how much that means to me.

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    8. Jay,

      Your kind and compassionate words mean more than you know. I will take a virtual hug! Thank you so much for praying for our family. I am so appreciative of all the kindness and understanding form all of you. For all this time, I have been silently grieving by myself thinking I was all alone in this. I am grateful for all of you and FMF. And I know there is hope :)

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  8. Jennifer, here is a blog I think you should check out. This family went through a very similar situation to yours, right down to their dealings with a crisis pregnancy center.

    http://www.allinthefamilyadoption.com/p/about.html

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    Replies
    1. Steve,
      Thank you, I just read this. I can't believe so many of us are going through the same thing. Finally, I have found people who understand my family's grief. I really felt like we were going crazy. Nobody understands.

      Thank you so much!

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    2. Jennifer,
      I would also recommend that you fill out the contact form at Kellie's blog. Your stories are similar, although hers was an adoption by family members, rather than strangers, that closed unexpectedly. I am also her guest blogger and have written several posts for the blog from the adoptee point of view.

      I am glad you found FMF but I wish your family had never even had this awful experience where you need our support.

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    3. Ditto to Robin's comment of course. Every closed adoption is a disaster. Every unnecessary adoption is a tragedy.

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  9. Steve,
    I am so horrified when I read these stories, about being so naive, but when I read lines that the trauma of relinquishing on the mother and eventually, the entire family is "not well publicized" I have to wonder who much --if any--research those facing such a momentous decision do. I don't expect the GM dealer to had out a brochure about their latest screw up in engine starters, air bags, or whatever and maybe you ought to consider another product...nor do adoption attorneys or agencies try to talk you out of adopting. Their business is in facilitating adoptions, not talking about why you should not give up your baby as a product they can document and well, not quite sell, but "facilitate" the transfer of funds for a hefty sum.

    A few years ago the Donaldson Institute did a fantastic report on Birth Mother Grief and specifically talked about adoptive parents who close adoptions, and how those are the women who are the most devastated. This is on line an available. All someone need do is search on line for: Birth Mother Grief. Long term Birth Mother Grief. Effects of giving up baby on mother...all would yield a fount of information.

    I feel for all and everyone this happens to, but there is no way that any but a few truly compassionate agencies and social workers will ever discuss long-term birth mother grief, akin to PTSD. Most of the books published on this of late are self-published, and thus do not get the amount of publicity that this should. Jane and I and all the other first mother bloggers do our best, but except for Philomena, we don't make the news or feature cycle.

    And for anyone reading this, her's one of the many pieces Jane and I have done on this:
    The longterm impact of giving up a child

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  10. Above, I didn't mean the transfer of funds to the mother certainly but from the adoptive parents to the social worker or attorney who come up with a baby. It's a booming business, and they all conspire to keep the long term effects of relinquishment of a baby out of the zeitgeist. Jennifer and everyone else in this same horrible boat could do a great service by talking about this openly with friends and anyone outside the family who is interested. We need to spread the word: If you have a baby, keep that baby close.

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  11. a little late on this topic, but just had to say:

    Julia Emily said:
    Full time mom: Your post troubled me deeply. You, as an adult adoptee, can truly say you regret not "giving your child a better life"? You sound as if you truly believe your own relinquishment and adoption was the best thing for you, and your adoptive parents looked upon you as a "gift". ... I am really surprised there are adoptees out there who still feel as you do.

    Yes, there are Julia Emily - you can count my daughter in this group...

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