' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: May 2014

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Gov. Cuomo: Right the wrong of sealed birth certificates THIS YEAR

Lorraine
In New York, we watched our neighbor New Jersey pass legislation that allowed a time period for mothers to request that their names be removed from the original birth certificate. We understand that the legislation, after more than three decades, was the best that Gov. Chris Christie would sign, and yesterday he did. In New York, we have the promise of nearly all the votes we need--if we could get our legislation to the floor.

But a few powerful legislators have been able to stymie the legislation year after year by preventing it from coming to a vote. They are Dean Skelos, Kemp Hannon, Helene Weinstein and Sheldon Silver. They are Republicans and Democrats. They are all from New York City or Long Island. They drive me crazy. Gov. Cuomo has not revealed his leanings, but he is so political (and clearly wants to be president) that it seems likely that if he sensed pushing the legislation would help him reach those ends (and he is running for re-election this year), he might do something.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

How much does DNA matter?

Lorraine and daughter, Jane, 1982
How twins separated at birth relate to one another when reunited has fascinated behavioral scientists--and me too, ever since I plunged into that group of mothers who would give up a child and later be reunited. Did my daughter and I find many seemingly uncanny similarities? That grew and strengthened as we got to know one another? 

Yes. And yes. Honestly, our reactions to life were so similar that there were times it was as if we had never been separated. One of my fondest memories is sitting in the outdoor garden at the top of the World Trade Center (yes, there was one once) for a half hour, sitting on a park bench, and watching helicopters dance around the Manhattan skyline. Not only were we both not afraid of heights, we sought them out. But I've written about our similarities before so first time readers will have to take this at face value or check out some of the links below. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Assisted reproduction ignores the best interests of the child

Jacob Szfranski, unwilling to be a father
Last week, a Chicago judge awarded custody of frozen embryos to Karla Dunston over the objection of her ex-boyfriend, Jacob Szfranski, who donated the sperm used to create the embryos with her ova. In 2010, 38 year old Dunston, a physician, learned she had cancer and treatment would render her sterile. After the embryos were created and frozen, Szafranski decided he did not want to be a father and sued for custody of the embryos.

A trial court ruled for Dunston based on the fact that her desire to be a mother outweighed his desire not to be a father. An appellate court reversed, holding, according to the Chicago Tribune, that "the case should be decided based on contracts and agreements between the two parties rather than just who has more compelling interest in the fate of the embryos." (emphasis added). On Friday, the trial court again awarded the embryos to Dunston. Szafranski said he will appeal again.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Why I won't miss Barbara Walters

Lorraine
Barbara Walters--as everyone with a television set know--retired the other day with a great deal of fanfare on the tube acknowledging her role as someone who pioneered women in broadcasting. I watched The View wondering if there would be a mention of her adopted daughter because Walters rarely if ever mentioned her. Nada.

But earlier that day on Good Morning America Walters read a message from her daughter, Jackie, that made her eyes mist, as I learned later from a clip: "I just wanted to say I was thinking of you tonight. Tomorrow is a special day. You have impacted this world as very few can. This is a transition towards a new journey. I love you and wanted you to know how proud I am of you." 

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Jason Patric wins right to be a 'father'

Jason Patric--sperm donor and daddy
UPDATE: A California Appellate Court yesterday reversed a lower court which held that as a sperm donor, Jason Patric had no rights concerning his child--even though he was the only father the child had ever known. The Appellate Court sent the case back to the lower court to determine Patric's legal rights, The case is expected to resume at trial where it left off in February, 2013. In this case, common sense and the law converged. The post below was written before the decision, and it trumpets our belief than whenever possible, the rights of the biological parents of a child should be preserved--not only for the father and mother, but also for the health and well-being of the child. 
 ________________________

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Day is here: Do something to chase away the blues

Lorraine 
Okay, it is that terrible day again for many of us--mothers whose children were adopted. I've certainly had my share--when I didn't know where my daughter Jane was, and then after I found her, she rarely acknowledged me on this day, and that felt terrible too. In my mind I could see her buying flowers for her other mother, the family going out to lunch, a funny card--you know, the whole works--while I didn't even get a phone call.

Some of you are in the same position today and damn! it hurts.

But instead of letting self-pity engulf you today, get up and do something that you like--or will at least keep you occupied: weed the garden, clean out the closets, go to the movies (no sad ones!), go shopping (and treat yourself to something nice),

Friday, May 9, 2014

On Mother's Day: What does it mean to be not 'ready to parent'?

Basketball MVP Kevin Durant and his Mom
Wanda Pratt, poor, black, young, single raised her son Kevin Durant to be a giant, not only the best player in the NBA, but a man of charity and grace. As he received his MVP trophy, Durant shed tears of thanks for his mother's love and dedication and Pratt shed tears of joy.

As I watched this moving scene, I thought of Sydney Syverson whose essay about giving up her daughter for adoption appeared in the "Less Travelled Roads" column in the Spring edition of Portland, the quarterly alumni magazine of the University of Portland, a Catholic college in Portland, Oregon. Syverson, white, middle class, educated, in her 20's proudly explained that she surrendered her newborn daughter to biological strangers "not only the best

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Who's your Daddy? Why some first mothers won't tell

While we at First Mother Forum encourage mothers to tell their children who their fathers are, we know it's not rare for mothers to be reluctant to reveal this information--or to downright refuse to tell. 

Adoptee/memorists B. J. Lifton, Amy Dean, Jean Strauss, and Zara Phillips write of their struggle to learn their father's identity. Lorraine readily shared information with her daughter Jane about Jane's father. Blogger Jane didn't need to tell her daughter Rebecca who her father was--she found him before she found Jane.

We understand the need to know about one's father, and appreciate the frustration when mothers refuse to tell. Since we don't believe that people in general and birth mothers in particular are cruel, we offer

Monday, May 5, 2014

Daughter reveals why she walked away after reunion, Conclusion: Part 5

Jane and Lorraine--before or after this break? Don't remember. 
A continuation of the story started on April 27.  (Taken together, they are a chapter from my memoir-in-progress, hole in my heart. 

A few weeks later. It is a gray cold day, Tony is outside raking leaves. I want to be alone when I make this call. I sit in the kitchen at the table and punch in Jane’s number. Bill answers, registers neutral. He says they are working in the yard, he’ll tell her I’m on the line. Would she even come to the phone? A minute later Jane picks up and says, Hello. I breathe deeply and begin:

I know we talked about this before, and I’ve told you what it was like back then, but today I just wanted to say, I’m sorry—I’m sorry you were adopted.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

My (reunited) daughter doesn't speak to me: What did I do now? Cont., Part 4

The weekend Jane and I met, 1981
Fall 2003. I am on a panel of birth mothers at a Concerned United Birthparents retreat. One of the other women speaks rather long and forcefully about her therapist telling her repeatedly that giving up her child “was not her fault,” words a therapist had her repeat until she believes it, she feels it, she knows it. Her relationship with the father is a fleeting one-night stand in France, and maybe she does feel that way but I find her insistent “not my fault” message at odds with my own frame of mind. I did give a baby up for adoption. In some way, that was my fault. I've always tried to own up to what I did.

When I get up to speak, I talk about taking responsibility for our actions, no matter what. There's no winner, no polling of the audience, no instant feedback. I have no idea how those in attendance react.

 Later I attend a healing session led by Carol Schaefer, author of The Other Mother. Now as I hear Carol’s soothing voice, guiding our visualization, I see Jane [my daughter] coming toward me,

Friday, May 2, 2014

What did I do wrong now? Cont. Part 3

Happier times, Jane and Lorraine 
This is the third part of a four (or five) part series about my relationship with my daughter when, after a seemingly great couple of years of reunion, after knowing her for more than two decades, she suddenly and inexplicably pulled back. Links to the first two parts are at the end of this post. This is from my memoir still in progress, hole in my heart.

Summer.  I go to Wisconsin to pick up Britt [my daughter's daughter] for her summer visit, which will be for two months. Jane [my daughter] and Bill [her husband] are living in his small cabin in the woods, and Britt stays with the Rhymers [Jane's adoptive parents] during the week, and attends the same elementary school as she did before Jane married. Though Britt had flown by herself from Madison to New York before, after fanatics in airplanes brought down the World Trade Center, the Rhymers insist I come to Wisconsin to pick her up. I’ll fly in on Saturday, we’ll leave on Monday, and maybe I’ll be able to talk to Jane and patch up whatever needed patching. They will try to broker this, Gary [Jane's adoptive father] says.