Tyler exploded: "That's a huge thing--if any pregnant woman is watching this, pick the right couple and make sure you go over everything."
Watching Tyler, it was clear that his romance with adoption has unravelled. He was taking his frustrations out on Brandon and Teresa Davis, Carly's adoptive parents, but we expect that he will soon realize that the real culprit is adoption itself.
Later when Tyler and Catelyn told Tyler's mother about the possibility that Brandon and Teresa would cut off contact, Tyler's mother said "I think it's just the reality of being told what you can and what you can't do."
Tyler responded: "Especially when you feel inside that you have the right to do it." That is, post pictures of his child.
Catelynn laid out the ugly truth: "The thing is we don't have the right to do it. We signed everything away. We don't have any rights at all."
WHAT WILL THEY TELL CARLY?
In this episode, filmed last year, Catelynn is pregnant with the couple's second daughter. This impending birth raises more doubts about adoption. Catelynn and Tyler talk about how much happier this pregnancy is than Catelynn's first--when they were planning to give up their baby. When Catelynn and Tyler go shopping for baby paraphernalia, they are joyful that they can keep the goods rather than wrapping them up and sending them off, as they do with Carly's presents--and hope she is given them.
During this episode Catelynn and Tyler also discuss the impact that Carly's adoption may have on their second daughter, Novalee, born January 1. They caution each other that they need be careful not to treat Novalee as a replacement for Carly. They discuss how they will explain to Novalee about her adopted-out sister. They do not talk about how they will explain to Carly that they kept her sister, but gave her away.
We assume the answer will be because we were too young to keep you, Carly, but wonder whether Dawn, the oh-so helpful social worker from Bethany Christian Services, or anyone will help Carly understand. Dawn, incidentally came to their shower for Novalee.
This episode also featured Amber and Maci, two teens who gave birth about the same time as Catelynn, and kept their babies. Their children are adorable five years old, just beginning kindergarten. Both Amber and Maci face conflicts. Amber became addicted to drugs and lost custody of her daughter to her daughter's father. Maci fights with her son's father's about his irregular visits with their son. Their problems, though are resolvable. Amber no longer uses drugs and has written a memoir, Never Too Late. She is able to visit her daughter. Maci is getting counseling to improve her relationship with her son's father.
Catelynn and Tyler have also written a book, Conquering Chaos. Catelynn went on a book tour with Amber which included a stop on the Dr. Drew show. According to a review on Amazon, the book..."is an incredible look at two young people who beat the odds and used their victories to give hope to others." Anyone watching Teen Mom OG could see that while they may have conquered the chaos of a teen pregnancy, they have inherited sorrow in its place.
CATELYNN GRIEVES ON TV
We have been critical of Catelynn and Tyler not because they gave their baby up for adoption, but for their pubic and unwavering support of adoption after, even as Catelynn openly grieved. She let some of her distress out in their appearances on television, including on a creepy series about couples who needed therapy to stay together. Although they grieved publicly for their lost daughter, even appearing on the cover of People, Catelynn and Tyler became ambassadors for adoption. They visited high schools and at least one college on behalf of Bethany, telling vulnerable teens that if they became pregnant, adoption was the way to go. Catelynn even aspired to come an adoption counselor for Bethany. We recognize, though, that it often takes years for those who relinquish a child to grasp the enormity of the loss.
Incidentally, these two young people did not proceed with the plans for education as they said they intended--when they gave up their daughter; then, they talked about college. Instead, they became reality stars, a platform they are still riding six years later. But it will end, and they will go about their lives, without their daughter. and possibly without the education they gave her up in order to get. Both are twenty-two now, the age at which most finish college.
We'd like to tell Tyler and other young people out there considering adoption that selecting the right adoptive parents is not the solution. No adoptive parents could meet your expectations because if they did, they would not be parents, but guardians. Bethany may have presented adoption in a way that made Catelynn and Tyler feel they would still be involved, in order to make adoption appealing to them. It's just a likely that Catelynn and Tyler didn't realize how involved they would want to be, and how terrible it would feel to be cut out of their daughter's life. No one can prepare a mother for the feeling of giving up a child when every timbre of your being tells you to keep and love that child.
To often adoption is presented to young people as a way that allows them to go school, have a career--all the time the child is being raised by an affluent couple. Yet the mother-to-be imagines that she will remain involved, even in making decisions for her child--because the people she met before giving birth were oh so nice and talked in a way that stated or implied a natural mother's involvement. It sounded like a win-win for all. But as Catelynn noted, the truth is that a mother loses all rights. She vanquishes parenting when she signs the relinquishment papers. Open adoption--even if the adoptive parents keep their word--cannot make up for the loss--of the child, of the right to have any say-so-- and there is some research showing that for the short term, open adoption is even harder on the natural/birth mother that closed adoption.
TO STAY INVOLVED--RAISE THE CHILD
Recently "Tina"--likely an adoptive parent or an adoption industry worker--commented on an earlier FMF post** dispelling the myth about open adoption:
"When you SURRENDER your baby out of desperate need and eternal love, you must also surrender to the trust that he/she will be loved and taken care of, as you would hope. You CANNOT expect adoptive parents to simply be 'glorified guardians' or to be a 'co-parent' yourself.
...If you don't like the adoption plan or arrangement, then somehow RAISE THE CHILD YOURSELF or find family members to raise the child."FMF hopes that pregnant women will heed this admonition. No amount of pre-screening prospective adoptive parents will guarantee anyone finds the "right" couple. Adoptive parents may find that "sharing" parenting doesn't work for them, once they have the child. We have heard many stories of prospective adoptive parents who promise the moon, but shut down soon after the adoption is finalized. Even if the adoptive parents keep their word in every respect, first parents still suffer an inconsolable loss. In order to give your child the life you want her to have, you have to do it yourself.--jane
For a later post see: Catelynn and Tyler face reality
Watch the episode:
Teen Mom OG
'Teen Mom OG' Stars Catelynn and Tyler Clash with Carly's Adoptive Parents
The Fan Page.
**When an agency promises 'semi-open' adoption, look elsewhere
Catelyn and Tyler's Open Adoption Closing?
(Pro) Adoption Special: Dr. Drew encourages teen moms to give up their babies
IF YOU MUST...
encourages giving up a child, from what we can tell on Amazon. As one reviewer asked: "Did they go to college?" Uh, no. They have become shills for adoption. It's rather sick. Lorraine says she almost feels like getting the book to see what they say....Click on the link to read to go Amazon.