When all else fails, call us 'bitter and angry' first mothers

Jane

First Mother Forum has been getting flack from adoptive mothers and first mothers over what they claim to be our position on adoption and our characterizations of them. We're flattered we've caught their attention. Attacks are the harbinger of change.

We're also distressed because what our critics write is simply not true. We haven't denigrated all adoptive mothers or called them names as they accuse us of doing. Contrary to what they write, we are not against all adoption; in truth we have praised adoption as a loving act for a child who needs a family. (See What We Think About Adoption, link below)

The lure of lucre drives child 'welfare' policies in Russia and the US

Grieving mother Yulia Kuzmina

Russian social services employees appear to have fast tracked the US adoption of two year old Maksim Kuzmina and his one year old brother Kirill. Three months later, Maksim was dead. Texas authorities are investigating his death as a possible homicide.

The mother of the boys, Yulia Kuzmina, is pleading for return of Kirill, now two. Russian authorities, claiming she was unfit to raise her sons because of alcohol addiction, took them from her in 2011.* Alan and Laura Shatto of Gardendale, Texas adopted both boys in October, 2012 through the Gladney Center, a Texas adoption agency.

How giving up a child affects you in the long-term

Lorraine

Grief and anger are two emotions that we first mothers know plenty about. Often only when the grief can turn to anger are we often able to make a positive step in working toward changing attitudes and reforming adoption, but so much in the culture comes at us day after day that it feels as if we are taking two steps backward. The bliss of adoption is everywhere.

Some Mormon singer has a song about carrying a baby for another woman, as if this is a wonderful thing, something to celebrate. We read about the corruption in interntional adoption--particularly now in Ethiopia--but I also read a profile of Connie Britton, an actress who's making it big at forty, but right there on the second page is "her son Eyob, a 2-year-old she adopted from Ethiopia in 2011." My elderly neighbor, temporarily forgetting because she disagrees with me, says that the couple next door, in their late thirties, early forties, are thinking about

When a first mother hears people talk about adoption

Jane

"I don't know if I want children or not," said a woman in her late thirties, an ardent feminist. "If I decide I do, and it's too late to have them naturally, I'll just adopt." I cringe and say "It's not that simple; adoption can cause a lot of heartbreak for mothers who lose their children." She gives me a blank stare, and the conversation turns to other topics.

I tell my bridge partner I can't play next week because I'll be in Salem (Oregon's capitol). "What am I going to Salem for?" she asks. I hesitate, "I'm working on legislation to require that mothers considering adoption have time after delivering their child to make the decision." She looks concerned: "What about the adoptive parents? It wouldn't be fair to them if the mother changes her mind."

Teleah Achane will stay with daddy

 Terry Achane and his nearly 2-year-old daughter, Teleah

Now that Jared and Kristi Frei of Utah have withdrawn their appeal to fight the father of the daughter they have been raising, and she will stay with her father, Terry Achane, the question some have raised is how will the two-year fare? After all, she is now living with "a stranger"--her real father.

She's going to be just fine with her real daddy and undoubtedly, his extended family.

Some of you will remember "Baby Jessica" who from 1991-93 was caught in a similar legal battle between a couple in Ann Arbor, Michigan, Robert and Jan DeBoer, and her natural parents, Cara and Dan Schmidt, who ultimately prevailed and got their daughter back. Jessica, as the media

How shame keeps birth mothers from embracing reunion

Lorraine

What is the most shameful thing about yourself? Quick, answer the first thing that comes to mind.

Me: I got pregnant when I wasn't supposed to. Thus, I am a stupid--didn't I know about birth control? Should have, I was 22! So, I failed.

This thought ran through my head when I was reading New York magazine and came upon a discussion of shame. Shame is more crippling than guilt, I read, because while guilt focuses on an act that we can recall doing--I can't believe I did that--and pinpointed enough that we can apologize for--I will never do that again.

Using DNA to Find Family: You Can't Have Too Much Family

Richard Hill

As Richard Hill solves the mystery of his birth family in his heart-warming memoir  Finding Family, he opens the window on using DNA data bases to find family.

 Hill was born in 1946 and raised in small town Ionia, Michigan. He first learned of his adoption at age 18 when a family doctor whom he had consulted on a small matter asked him "how do you feel about being adopted?" He tucked away this startling information and did not tell his adoptive parents what he learned.

Fourteen years later, Hill's adoptive father, on his death bed, told Hill about his adoption. He said Hill's birth mother's name was Jackie, and she had lived with the Hills the last few months of her pregnancy.

Why first mothers walk away from their children after reunion

Jane

"Why do first mothers cut off communication with their relinquished children?" a reader emailed us recently. I can only answer from my own my experience, and that of mothers who have shared their experiences. While the facts are different in every reunion, the problem often lies with miscommunication at the outset. Ironically new technology--iPhones, text messaging, Facebook, email--may exacerbate poor communication because they provide quicker--and thus more impulsive--exchanges.

In a relationship as fraught with risk as the one between first mother and adoptee, faulty communication can lead to doubt and distrust, which can lead to anger, which can lead to the suspension of contact.

A Call Kaepernick should make--to his birth mother

AP Photo/Patrick Cummings 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick with his adoptive parents

When I hear anything about the Superbowl that will take over America this evening, my mind wonders over to Colin Kaepernick, and his flat out refusal to meet the mother who gave him life--as well as his athletic ability--Heidi Russo. Kaepernick, for those who haven't been following this sideline drama, is adopted. Heidi Russo has tried to meet him but he has refused to, even though he has the blessing of his adoptive parents, Rick and Rae Kaepernick, to do so.