The Hard Realities of an Adoptee/Birth Mother Reunion

Lorraine and Jane, spring of 1982, soon after reunion in NYC

Reunions are at first ecstatic, then blissful, but then you may feel as if you are swimming in a witches’ brew of eye of newt and toe of frog.

From a short visit of a few days, our times together expanded to be whole summers. I imagined glorious walks on the beach, sunset horseback riding—you know, the really terrific stuff about being a mother. What a wonderful time we would have! Getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company! What could go wrong?

Plenty, is the short answer. Just as mothers and daughters who are not separated have “issues,”

A second child doesn't replace the one lost to adoption

Jane

“You can go on to have other children.” As a young woman, I had heard these words in countless soap operas, read them in teen magazines and advice columns, as social workers urged young women into giving up their children for adoption. After I placed my first daughter Rebecca for adoption in 1966, I did go on to have three more daughters that I raised. The oldest of these Anne, was born five years after Rebecca and turned 40 last month. As our family celebrated Anne’s birthday, I reflected on the circumstances of her birth, so different than that of my first daughter.

Rebecca was conceived in Fairbanks, Alaska.  Several months before her birth I went to San Francisco where she was born and surrendered.  I knew no one there. My family was in Illinois and Southern California and I did not tell