When all else fails, call us 'bitter and angry' first mothers

Jane

First Mother Forum has been getting flack from adoptive mothers and first mothers over what they claim to be our position on adoption and our characterizations of them. We're flattered we've caught their attention. Attacks are the harbinger of change.

We're also distressed because what our critics write is simply not true. We haven't denigrated all adoptive mothers or called them names as they accuse us of doing. Contrary to what they write, we are not against all adoption; in truth we have praised adoption as a loving act for a child who needs a family. (See What We Think About Adoption, link below)

The lure of lucre drives child 'welfare' policies in Russia and the US

Grieving mother Yulia Kuzmina

Russian social services employees appear to have fast tracked the US adoption of two year old Maksim Kuzmina and his one year old brother Kirill. Three months later, Maksim was dead. Texas authorities are investigating his death as a possible homicide.

The mother of the boys, Yulia Kuzmina, is pleading for return of Kirill, now two. Russian authorities, claiming she was unfit to raise her sons because of alcohol addiction, took them from her in 2011.* Alan and Laura Shatto of Gardendale, Texas adopted both boys in October, 2012 through the Gladney Center, a Texas adoption agency.

How giving up a child affects you in the long-term

Lorraine

Grief and anger are two emotions that we first mothers know plenty about. Often only when the grief can turn to anger are we often able to make a positive step in working toward changing attitudes and reforming adoption, but so much in the culture comes at us day after day that it feels as if we are taking two steps backward. The bliss of adoption is everywhere.

Some Mormon singer has a song about carrying a baby for another woman, as if this is a wonderful thing, something to celebrate. We read about the corruption in interntional adoption--particularly now in Ethiopia--but I also read a profile of Connie Britton, an actress who's making it big at forty, but right there on the second page is "her son Eyob, a 2-year-old she adopted from Ethiopia in 2011." My elderly neighbor, temporarily forgetting because she disagrees with me, says that the couple next door, in their late thirties, early forties, are thinking about

When a first mother hears people talk about adoption

Jane

"I don't know if I want children or not," said a woman in her late thirties, an ardent feminist. "If I decide I do, and it's too late to have them naturally, I'll just adopt." I cringe and say "It's not that simple; adoption can cause a lot of heartbreak for mothers who lose their children." She gives me a blank stare, and the conversation turns to other topics.

I tell my bridge partner I can't play next week because I'll be in Salem (Oregon's capitol). "What am I going to Salem for?" she asks. I hesitate, "I'm working on legislation to require that mothers considering adoption have time after delivering their child to make the decision." She looks concerned: "What about the adoptive parents? It wouldn't be fair to them if the mother changes her mind."

Teleah Achane will stay with daddy

 Terry Achane and his nearly 2-year-old daughter, Teleah

Now that Jared and Kristi Frei of Utah have withdrawn their appeal to fight the father of the daughter they have been raising, and she will stay with her father, Terry Achane, the question some have raised is how will the two-year fare? After all, she is now living with "a stranger"--her real father.

She's going to be just fine with her real daddy and undoubtedly, his extended family.

Some of you will remember "Baby Jessica" who from 1991-93 was caught in a similar legal battle between a couple in Ann Arbor, Michigan, Robert and Jan DeBoer, and her natural parents, Cara and Dan Schmidt, who ultimately prevailed and got their daughter back. Jessica, as the media

How shame keeps birth mothers from embracing reunion

Lorraine

What is the most shameful thing about yourself? Quick, answer the first thing that comes to mind.

Me: I got pregnant when I wasn't supposed to. Thus, I am a stupid--didn't I know about birth control? Should have, I was 22! So, I failed.

This thought ran through my head when I was reading New York magazine and came upon a discussion of shame. Shame is more crippling than guilt, I read, because while guilt focuses on an act that we can recall doing--I can't believe I did that--and pinpointed enough that we can apologize for--I will never do that again.

Using DNA to Find Family: You Can't Have Too Much Family

Richard Hill

As Richard Hill solves the mystery of his birth family in his heart-warming memoir  Finding Family, he opens the window on using DNA data bases to find family.

 Hill was born in 1946 and raised in small town Ionia, Michigan. He first learned of his adoption at age 18 when a family doctor whom he had consulted on a small matter asked him "how do you feel about being adopted?" He tucked away this startling information and did not tell his adoptive parents what he learned.

Fourteen years later, Hill's adoptive father, on his death bed, told Hill about his adoption. He said Hill's birth mother's name was Jackie, and she had lived with the Hills the last few months of her pregnancy.

Why first mothers walk away from their children after reunion

Jane

"Why do first mothers cut off communication with their relinquished children?" a reader emailed us recently. I can only answer from my own my experience, and that of mothers who have shared their experiences. While the facts are different in every reunion, the problem often lies with miscommunication at the outset. Ironically new technology--iPhones, text messaging, Facebook, email--may exacerbate poor communication because they provide quicker--and thus more impulsive--exchanges.

In a relationship as fraught with risk as the one between first mother and adoptee, faulty communication can lead to doubt and distrust, which can lead to anger, which can lead to the suspension of contact.

A Call Kaepernick should make--to his birth mother

AP Photo/Patrick Cummings 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick with his adoptive parents

When I hear anything about the Superbowl that will take over America this evening, my mind wonders over to Colin Kaepernick, and his flat out refusal to meet the mother who gave him life--as well as his athletic ability--Heidi Russo. Kaepernick, for those who haven't been following this sideline drama, is adopted. Heidi Russo has tried to meet him but he has refused to, even though he has the blessing of his adoptive parents, Rick and Rae Kaepernick, to do so.

Broken Bonds: The undeniable connection between slavery and adoption

Heather Andrea Williams

Though some find it jarring to see "slavery" and "adoption" in the same sentence, the indisputable connection is the contract at the heart of each institution. Both bind individuals to a lifelong covenant between other persons and the state, without ever giving the individual so bound a say in such a contact. Because slavery elicits so many awful images of cruelty and bondage, the connection is often inflammatory. Yet it remains.

A remarkable book, Help Me To Find My People: The African American Search for Family Lost in Slavery makes the similarities ever more clear. Author Heather Andrea Williams, a historian and associate professor at the University of North Carolina, has amassed a rich collection of newspaper advertisements, letters, diaries, and written narratives attesting to the worst legacy of slavery: the separation of families, and the lifelong search for reunion. "Babies were snatched from their mothers' breasts and sold to speculators. Children was separated from sisters and brothers

Foreign adoption may save 'one child' but hurts many

Jane

My post lauding the Russian government for stopping adoptions to the United States made Barbara Paden, an adoptive mother of two Russian children,   mad, really mad. Likely other adoptive mothers as well who didn't bother to comment. Paden, who blogs under "Babes from Russia," charged that my post is filled with inaccuracies and lies.

Paden, like many who adopt foreign children, defends the practice because "we can only save the world one child at a time." These parents tell inspiring stories of rescuing children from prison-like orphanages; it seems heartless to criticize what they are doing. Overall, however, foreign adoption does more harm than good.

Dear President Obama: Please Consider the rights of the adopted

Demonstrating for the right of identity

Dear President Obama:

It was gratifying to hear you mention Seneca Falls (women's voting rights), Selma (African-American rights) and Stonewall (gay rights) yesterday, reminding the world of the progress made--and yet to be made--in giving all individuals their right to be free and equal to all. But there was one group sorely missing, and whose rights are being violated on a daily basis: the adopted.

The vast majority of them--somewhere between six and eight million--do not have the clear and unfettered right to learn their true identities. That

First Mother Forum makes some people mad

Dr. Martin Luther King

Vitriol, anger, falsehoods about what we say about adoption--these are just a few of the slings and arrows thrown at First Mother Forum over the years. But the attack on us remind us of Dr. Martin Luther King as we celebrate him on Monday. His message? If your words are all sweetness and light, you will never achieve justice.

Here's a few recent criticisms directed at FMF from a couple of sweet-as-pie women, who claim they have no problem with FMF's message but FMF's methods send them up a wall. A would-be adopter who goes by Single Infertile Female (S.I.F.) writes:

Utah denies stay, Terry Achane's baby going to daddy

UPDATE (from Yahoo)

An army drill sergeant, Terry Achane, whose estranged wife put his daughter up for adoption without his knowledge or permission while he was stationed in another state, has been reunited with the little girl, following a nearly two-year battle to get her back. 

"I'm just happy right now. I'm with my daughter," Sgt. Terry Achane said. "It's about time." 

The Utah Supreme Court earlier this month overturned a request by the toddler's adoptive parents to stay a lower court's December order that the child be returned to Achane, her father. 

On Friday (Jan. 25) the original trial judge, Darold McDade who ruled in Achane's favor, held a transfer hearing that resulted in the little girl and her father being united this weekend for the first time since she was born 22 months ago. 

"This is the first known case where the Utah State Supreme Court has removed a child from an [adoptive parent's] home and returned the child to the ... legal father," said Achane's lawyer Mark Wiser. After putting a temporary hold on a trial judge's order giving Terry Achane custody of his daughter, the Utah Supreme Court denied the request of the would-be adoptive parents, the Jared and Kritsi Frei, that the child remain with them while they appeal the trial judge's decision.

Wiser called the Supreme Court's ruling a "huge victory" for "equal parental rights," meaning one parent can't put a child up for adoption without the other's permission, and decried the adoption practice in Utah.

"Terry Achane believes that justice is finally taking place," Wiser said, adding that his client remains "heartbroken that he has missed 22 months of his daughter's life because of what happened. This is time that he and his daughter can never replace."

The Utah Supreme Court set an expedited schedule for the Freis' appeal and will hear oral arguments at the end of March.  

Teleah is going home!

More news when we have it. 

February 11 The Frei's dropped their appeal. Little Teleah is staying with her daddy! (Utah couple ends legal fight over child's adoption), 

From FMF: Utah Supreme Court denies stay

Utah Supreme Court delays return of Baby Teleah to her father

Teleah with her daddy, Terry Achane

The Utah Supreme Court yesterday put a temporary hold on a trial judge's orders to return a little girl to her soldier father, Terry Achane, after she was given up for adoption without his consent two years ago. The little girl is being held by Jared and Kristi Frei, a couple who proceeded with their plan to adopt her, fully aware that her girl's father, married to her mother, had not given his consent. 

Does this sound like legalized kidnapping to you? Sure does to us. Involved in this chicanery is a corrupt adoption agency (Adoption Center of Choice), a supposedly law-abiding and god-fearing couple (the Freis) and the Utah Supreme Court. The fight is not over yet by any

Can the media get adoption right?

Jane

"US could face a critical adoption shortage" wails the headline in the Salem, Oregon Statesman Journal over a January 11 USA Today article.* 

What's the cause of this claimed calamity?  "A cataclysmic implosion of intercountry adoption (emphasis added)" according to Tom DiFilpo of the  Joint Council on International Children's Services. In addition to Russia closing its doors, adoptions from China, Ethiopia, and South Korea have declined. Domestic production cannot make up for the shortage because, according to Jenny Pope of the adoption agency Buckner International, "as single parenthood becomes more acceptable, 'there are just not as many women placing their children for adoption.'"

Should adoptees leave contact with their first mothers to an intermediary?

Lorraine

A search for a first mother is over, almost. The adopted individual makes contact with a relative because that is where the trail led. The relative--sister, brother, uncle, cousin--hesitates. Her sister, niece, cousin has never spoken of "that time" or "the baby." The first mother has had a mediocre life, or a messy life, with serious and serial "issues." A life had started out so promising, but after the baby, well, never got back on track--bad marriages, college plans gone awry, low level jobs that led nowhere.  Or conversely, the woman has "put all that behind her" and become a successful professional, with or without a husband and other children, but either way, she is well respected in her profession and community.

The relative hesitates. Wonders what to do. The adoptee waits, thinking this is the best thing to do--put it in the hands of a relative. Besides, she's fearful anyway, fearful of rejection, fearful of how a single phone call might change her life, fearful. What happens next is totally in the hands of the relative, and for the time being that feels safe. Let someone else contact the birth mother first.

So few babies to adopt, so many who want them....

Lorraine

Channel surfing the other night reveals latest ploy to keep your lover: get a newborn.

On Scandal (TV show set in Washington DC among politicos) last week I come upon a gay Older Man who believes his younger lover and partner is cheating on him. Older Man checks the record of his lover's calls on his cellphone, and has him followed. When he learns Younger Man is not cheating, Older Man decides to do something that he knows Younger Man wants: acquire a baby. Younger Man comes home for dinner to a beautifully set table, candles in silver candelabra, etc., catered gourmet dinner. What's the occasion, asks Younger Man, now befuddled. What are they celebrating?

HAPPY NEW YEAR! from FIRST MOTHER FORUM

Jane & Grandson Chris

To all our readers, we wish you a most happy 2013.

Our wish for the new year and beyond:

Every child knows and is cared for by his or her own parents as far as possible. Families needing support to care for their children receive it.

Lorraine and daughter, Jane

---Articles 7 and 18, Convention on the Rights of the Child, United Nations, September 2, 1990

and

Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.--Anthony Brandt

Loraine Dusky, Sag Harbor, New York and Jane Edwards, Portland, Oregon

OBC-ACCESS Petition fails while protest on Russian adoption ban flourishes

Lorraine, incognito at the capitol

While the White House officials posted what is likely the fastest response to date to a We the People petition this week, urging the U.S. government to oppose then-pending legislation in the Russian parliament banning U.S. adoptions of Russian children, at the same time, the petition to give adult adoptees clear access to their original birth certificates failed to meet the signature threshold. 

How many signatures were needed? 25,000 signatures within 30 days.  How many adoptees are estimated to be in the United States: Six million? Eight?  How many of them are over 13, the age required before signing the petition? How many are denied access to their original birth certificates, and for many, the right to learn their true identities? It must be at least several million.