Demons in Adoption

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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

HB 2904 is targeted at LDS Family Services! Absolutely Untrue

MEGAN
As suggested by her
and with permission
I've written on First Mother Forum several time about my surrendered daughter, Megan, and  difficulties in our relationship. As many with a surrendered child or a birth parent have experienced, the course of reunion never does run smooth. Megan has been following FMF for several months, posting under a pseudonym. She is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints and is conflicted over our posts and comments on the Church's position on adoption.


Jane
As many of you know I am working with others in Oregon on a bill, HB 2904, to give parents considering adoption time and information to make an informed decision.  Lindsey Redfern (aka Mrs. R), who blogs on  the r house about her infertility and adoption of two children, posted misinformation about this legislation. Redfern is a member of the Mormon Church, and was until recently on the board of Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) an organization sponsored by LDS Family Services. LDS Family Services ( LDSFS) is a network of adoption agencies affiliated with the Mormon Church.  FSA does not like our bill, is vigorously opposing it, and has encouraged its members to write to their legislators opposing the bill without identifying themselves as members of FSA.

Megan sent an email to Redfern detailing extremely personal information about me (much of which was untrue or distorted) and claiming that HB 2904 "is targeted at LDSFS."  This statement is absolutely false. Since Megan's email (as has other correspondence of her with Mrs. Redfern) has likely hit the blogosphere, I'm responding here. 

I don't know why Megan wrote this email. I do not believe it was out of malice.  

I've written before about how HB 2904 came about. Here's a recap: A couple of years ago, I read a glowing article about adoption and an adoption attorney/ adoptee in the Oregon State Bar Bulletin. Because I thought that the Bulletin should provide a more balanced picture of adoption, I asked Lorraine to assist me in a response. I researched Oregon adoption laws and together we wrote an article and submitted it to the Bulletin. It became obvious from my research that Oregon Laws were titled towards adopting parents resulting in the needless break up Oregon families.

The Bulletin rejected our article, but it did it print a shorter version as a Letter to the Editor. This caught the attention of Portland attorney, Eli Stutsman, who invited me to work with him on reforming the laws. Stutsman's interest came from representing, Janette, a mother attempting to undo the adoption of her son. Her case was dismissed because the Court of Appeals held she had not filed it in time--even though she had filed it within the year allowed by an Oregon statute. The agency involved in Janette's case was not in any way connected with LDSFS or the LDS Church. I contacted friends in the adoption community and we put together a coalition of birth mothers, adoptees, adoptive parents, and others and voila, we had a movement. At no time while I was working on the legislation or anything connected with it did I even consider LDSFS or the Mormon Church. They never entered into the discussion. To my knowledge only one of the birth mothers in our group surrendered through LDSFS.

Lost and Found: The Adoption ExperienceOnce word of our bill got around, however, attacks began with much of the noise coming from members of the Mormon community, as we wrote here, including the aforementioned post on Redfern's blog. We responded to these attacks which resulted in more attacks and Megan's email to Redfern purporting to explain my "hatred" of the the Mormon Church. As Lorraine and I have stated, we have no issues with Mormon doctrine. Now we are being attacked at other blogs for not posting all of the nasty and ill-informed comments we have received; frankly, we are tired of responding to the misstatement of facts, but feel the need to respond if we post such a comment. We also did not post the few comments we received with personal information about Mrs. Redfern, or Desha Wood, the LDS birth mother-adoption advocate who, sources have told us, is the woman whose interview appears at Mrs. Redfern's blog. Unfortunately the Mormon question has become a distraction to the real issue, the protection of mothers if they are considering relinquishing their parental rights. The reasons for the bill, HB 2904, are simple:

  • Oregon mothers and their infants are separated needlessly  because mothers do not have adequate information and sufficient time to make informed decisions about adoption.
  • Child Welfare experts agree that the birth family constitutes the preferred means of providing family life for children.  
  • Assuring mothers have adequate information and sufficient time to make informed decisions promotes stability in adoptive relationships.--Jane
  • ______________________________________
  • A Note about the books above: The Gift Wrapped in Sorrow: A Mother's Quest for Healingis an honest and moving account about surrender by a birth mother; Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience looks at adoption from all sides of the triange: adoptee (which author BJ Lifton was) birth mother and adoptive parents. Both highly recommended for anyone wishing to better grasp the lifelong ramifications of any surrender and adoption. 
  • and a last note: We are not going to post personal comments about Lindsey Redfern.

42 comments :

  1. Wow Jane, I am really sorry that your daughter chose to go this route. I find the duplicity rather shocking and disrespectful.


    Joy

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  2. Jane, I am so sorry that more people aren't sticking to the issues: the benefits to mothers and children. Instead people are coming here and ignoring your thoughtful discourse and invitation to respectful debate, resorting to ignoring the facts and trying to insult you as a person.

    No matter if someone agrees or disagrees with you, you are God's creation and should be treated as such.

    How pro-adoption can anyone really be if they'd rather wave the banner of adoption by making personal attacks on a member of the adoption community, rather than discussing with interest the rights of mothers and children? This is something I think a lot of people who oppose this bill in the form of being nasty to those who support it need to ask themselves.

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  3. I am confused how you know what Megan said to Lindsey in her email. Are you assuming it is negative based on what Lindsey said on her Facebook page? Did Lindsey or Megan forward it to you as well? I hope this post is based on fact and not assuming Megan said things she didn't say.

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  4. It is just SO sad that anyone can have a problem with ensuring that a mother has sufficient time and information to make an informed choice for or against adoption.

    It is SO sad that any prospective/adoptive parent wouldn't want to know that the mother absolutely wanted to make the choice for adoption. How could you live with yourself otherwise?

    It is SO sad that people are trying to turn this bill into an anti-LDS argument instead of the fight for family preservation that it is.

    You are fighting the good fight Jane, I thank you on behalf of the mothers who will benefit from this bill.

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  5. I suspected that that email reference was referring to Jane's daughter, Megan. Since Mrs. R and Megan have an association then both of them need to treat Jane with nothing but respect. Is it necessary to remind anyone that without Jane, Megan wouldn't even exist?!

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  6. I support this bill and the proposed changes you and this panel of birthmothers is proposing.

    However, I believe with your constant posts about Mrs. R, LDS Family Services, the LDS Church, and your birth daughter drama, it is you who is distracting everyone from the issues of this bill.

    I think you should take your own advice and stick to the issues instead of all the drama about who is saying what on which blog. You're not doing your own legislation any favors.

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  7. Jane:

    I have just read your latest post and I am so sorry that people can't hear other's POV. As I said before I appreciate that you were willing to post my opinions. I hope things can be mended with you and your daughter

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  8. Anon,

    Megan sent me the email she sent Lindsey Redfern.

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  9. Wow. To say that I feel so sad right now for a complete stranger (Jane) is an understatement. Her own biological daughter sent her a copy of a very hurtful email that was possibly meant to discredit Jane. Wow. I am speechless. To say that Jane has handled this situation with grace and dignity is an understatement. Here is a woman who is passionate about helping first mothers know their rights. She wants them to be informed. She wants them to have all the facts. She wants them to feel confident in the decision they make. And she SUPPORTS adoption if the adoption is a child needing a home and not people needing a child!!!! She is being attacked from all sides, but the WORST is the email from Megan (in my opinion.) Pretty much tied for worst is certain people calling her coo coo and saying other hurtful things about her. Just because you don't agree with Jane and Lorraine on this proposed bill, does not give you the right to slander and attack them. There are two sides to every story. It sooo upsetting to see that the REAL issue is not getting the attention. Jane and Lorraine have stated OVER and OVER again that they have NOTHING PERSONAL AGAINST THE LDS CHURCH, MRS. R. AND HER FRIENDS. They NEVER did. This should have never become personal. If Mrs. R. had written an extremely pro-adoption bill, would Jane and Lorraine have done and said the same things about her? I highly doubt it. They have the respect and courtesy to let people agree to disagree. They are really good people. Honestly, I think every single person mentioned here is a really good person. I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE ARE CONTINUING TO ATTACK PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO PROTECT FIRSTMOTHERS. Anyone who has adopted or hopes to adopt should want to protect the first mother of "their" children too. I support this bill because I care about people having full disclosure before making one of the most important decisions of their life.

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  10. Thanks, Anon, for your kind remarks. Megan and I have since had some positive correspondence.

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  11. We have received, but are not posting, personal comments about Mrs r. aka Lindsey Wheatley Redfern.

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  12. Jane, just want to compliment both you and Lorraine for handling this situation with dignity, grace and honesty. You have been more than thoughtful and clear in the way you have explained your point of view and you've done so without rancor or sarcasm of any kind.

    I do find it sad that a few people seem determined to turn this into an issue which somehow discriminates against the LDS church - that seems a bit disingenuous to me...

    I support your bill and thank you for all the hard and often thankless work you are doing for mothers.

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  13. This is all very sad. Public family arguments are upsetting and can have long-term consequences for both sides.

    I hope Megan gave permission to publish her picture.

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  14. Jane,
    Supporting natural mothers in the process of making a life altering decision will always be attacked by those on the other side who have something to gain.
    Your efforts to help right the wrongs that have been made in the past and continue today against natural mothers do not go unnoticed by those of us who know the pain of surrendering a child.

    Disrespect and nastiness have no part in these efforts. You have my support, for what its worth, in reaching the goal of openess, truth in information, and giving mothers every advantage in making their decision.

    And reunion is definately a roller coaster ride but will always be better than not knowing. Just as we have issues with the children we raised, I consider it a blessing that my surrenderd daughter can be comfortable enough to tell me the truth of how she is feeling about something. Something I could never do with my own Mom.

    Keep up the good fight. There is never anything wrong for standing up for the truth.

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  15. Maryanne: Megan suggested that we use her picture.

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  16. First and foremost, the betrayal of a mother by her child is not all that uncommon. Sadly, this betrayal has taken away the focus of the actual Bill - It makes it a ill-informed, biased attempt at skewing the view from the realities of life to focus on the "flaws" of the mothers.

    Sadly, as is seen here, this seems to be working.

    Jane, do not feel alone. I know that kind of betrayal and often wonder at the source and the reasons..... You are doing the right thing and I support it, whole heartedly, no reservation, no hesitation.

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  17. maryanne,

    Regarding Megan's picture: she asked me to post it and sent it to me specifically to be posted.

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  18. Thanks Jane, that is fine then. She is a nice looking woman, and resembles you.

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  19. This is a good bill. I support it. I wish it could go further, but given the American adoption system/machine, it is an eminently reasonable and realistic proposal which if enacted into legislation would give much-needed added protection to protect women in crisis pregnancies, their children - and also to adoptive parents. I posted the link to the UK protocol in a comment to an earlier blog, but I think it might be useful to post the information for birth parents here (in parts, because of size), so that people can see for themselves how comparatively conservative Jane's bill really is.
    http://www.proceduresonline.com/wakefield/
    childcare/pdfs/
    RelinquishedChildrenProtocolAug07.pdf

    INFORMATION FOR BIRTH PARENTS Part one:

    What exactly is adoption?
    Adoption is a way of providing a child with new legal parents. It ends the legal relationship between the child and the birth parents and establishes a new one with the adoptive parents. Adoptions are arranged by adoption agencies but are made legally binding by the granting of adoption orders. Once granted an adoption order is final and cannot be over turned.

    How do I find out about adoption?
    It is a good idea to get advice as soon as possible. You can get this advice from:
    Social workers from the Social Services Department of your local authority.
    A voluntary adoption agency.
    Hospital social workers who work with maternity clinics.

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  20. It is lovely to see Megan and her resemblance to you Jane. I too hope that things can be mended for you two.

    My mother and I have had disagreements before on the net. While not pleasant, def. not the end of the world and sometimes some important infomration was exchanged.

    Joy

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  21. Part Two

    How is an adoption arranged?
    If you decide that adoption is right for your child or just want some help with considering it further, a social worker or other adoption worker will spend some time with you to help you
    with your decision. You will, in due course, need to give some personal information about yourself, your family and your family’s health, for the adopters to be able to share with the child as s/he grows up. Preparations for the adoption can begin before your child is born, however, nothing will be definitely arranged until after the birth. You will be free to change your mind up until the time when you sign consent to placement of your child for adoption

    Must the father of the baby give his permission? It is very important for children to grow up having information about both their parents therefore the adoption agency will ask you about the father of the child. If the father of your child does not have parental responsibility his permission for your child to be placed for adoption is not necessary. The social worker will need to contact him, if considered appropriate, as the adoption agency will want some information about the father’s health, family and medical history so they can pass it on to the adopters and the child. If you are married but your husband isn’t the father, the law will still consider your husband the legal father unless he has signed a declaration otherwise. In this case your husband’s consent to placement for adoption is necessary. The adoption agency will also want, if possible, some information on the birth father so they can pass it on to the adopters and the child. The baby’s father may not agree with your adoption plan and may want to bring up the child himself or within his own family, if this is the case the adoption agency and the court will need to know about it. If you and he are unable to agree the court will have to decide whether it thinks adoption or a life with the father is likely to be best for the child in the long term.

    What sort of people will adopt my child?
    The social worker will discuss with you the kind of family you want your child to grow up in. The greatest care will be taken to find a family who will give a safe and loving home to your
    child. You should talk to the social worker about the possibility of meeting the family, if you want to, or about other sorts of contact such as exchanging letters and photographs.

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  22. Part three:

    What happens after my baby is born?
    Before you leave the hospital you will be asked to sign a form to agree to your child going to foster carers (this is not a consent form for adoption). In most cases the baby will be looked
    after by a temporary foster carer until you sign consent to placement for adoption when your child is six weeks old. If you wish your baby to be placed for adoption under six weeks of age you can agree with your social worker that this should happen and you will be asked to sign a written agreement. Your social worker will make regular visits to the child to check
    everything is going well and offer support. You will be kept up to date with your child’s progress.

    When your baby is at least six weeks old.
    The social worker will arrange for you to be interviewed by a Cafcass practitioner who will make sure that you understand what adoption involves, they will ask you to sign a formal
    document consenting to your child’s placement for adoption and you may also give advance consent to an adoption order being made when the adopters apply for it.
    You can, if you wish, be involved in the process of deciding what kind of family your child should grow up with and with putting together a record of your family for your child. This is
    really important for your child to have for the future.
    Once the child has been placed with adopters and has lived with them for 10 weeks they can apply for an adoption order. If you wish to oppose the making of the adoption order you will need to ask the court for permission to do so. The agency will provide a report to the court about the child’s circumstances, and if the court is satisfied that an adoption order is in the
    best interests of the child then an adoption order will be granted.
    You will be notified about the adoption application and when and where it will be heard unless you request specifically not to be told.

    Can I arrange the adoption myself?
    No, unless you place your child with a close relative. To protect the child, all other adoptions must be arranged by an approved adoption agency, which can make full enquiries about the new parents. The courts must grant all adoptions orders.

    What if I change my mind?
    Once you have signed your consent to your child’s placement for adoption your right to change your mind will be limited and may be lost altogether. You will be able to withdraw
    your consent at any time until the people who want to adopt your child start an adoption application in the court. If you do withdraw your consent and want your child to be returned you will need to notify the adoption agency that you have changed your mind. However it will not be automatic that your child will be returned to you.
    If the adoption agency has not placed your child with prospective adopters and agrees that your child should be returned to you they will return the child within seven days. If they have
    already placed the child with prospective adopters and they agree that your child should be returned to you they will return the child within fourteen days.
    However if the adoption agency considers that your child ought still to be adopted they will have to apply for a placement order and the court will decide whether your child should be
    returned to you.
    When the people who want to adopt your child have made an application to the court for an adoption order you will not be able to ask for your child to be returned. Unless you have said that you do not wish to be informed you will be told when they make their application but you will have to ask the court for permission to oppose the application. You will have to show the court that there has been a change of circumstances since you gave your consent to your child being placed for adoption and that permission to oppose is in your child’s best interests

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  23. Part four:

    Will I see my child again?
    Once you have given consent to the child being placed with prospective adopters it may be possible to have contact with your child through arrangement with the adoption agency or by
    getting a court order but you will not have an automatic right to contact. You will have a right to apply to the court for an order for contact with your child at any time until the adoption
    order is granted. Adoption can sometimes involve continuing contact between the birth parents and the adoptive family, either face to face or by letter.
    The agency will usually try to find a family for your child who are happy with having the sort of contact that you would like, as long as this is also in your child’s best interests, although it
    would not be usual for a very young child to have face to face contact with his/her birth parents on an on-going basis. The contact you have with your child may change over time depending on the child’s needs.

    Can I keep it a secret?
    Adoptive parents are advised to tell children from an early age that they are adopted. As they grow up, most adopted people are curious to know something about their background.
    Adopted people can obtain their original birth certificate when they are 18 years old (16 in Scotland), and if you were registered as a parent, your name will be on the certificate.
    Using that information the adopted person could try to trace you. There are special post-adoption counsellors in local authorities and voluntary organizations who can discuss your particular situation with you. There are adoption contact registers covering England and Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland to facilitate contact between adult adopted people and their birth relatives.

    Making the decision.
    The decision you make about your baby’s future is so important that you should not be tempted to rush into it. Get all the advice you can before you make up your mind. You need to be sure that you are doing the best for your child so that you will feel comfortable that your decision was a responsible and caring one.

    Will I get support?
    You will be encouraged to see a counsellor to assist you in making your decision but there are also services available for birth parents after their child has been adopted.
    Agencies such as ‘After Adoption’ provide support groups and workers who know a lot about adoption. You can ask the social worker for details about this and other support services
    available. Local authorities also provide support to every-one involved in adoption throughout a child’s childhood and beyond. They will be there to assist if any difficulties arise in relation to contact with your child of if you have any queries at all.

    Can I contact my child again when they become an adult?
    You can request an adoption support agency or a local authority or voluntary adoption agency to act as an intermediary for you once your child becomes an adult. They will have a
    responsibility to make an attempt to contact your child on your behalf. There may be circumstances which mean it is not appropriate to do this and contact would only be re- established if it is what the adopted adult wants.

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  24. Megan is a lovely girl and I am glad you can agree to overcome any differences you might have and embrace the Mother/Daughter relationship. I doubt that many Mothers and Daughters agree 100% of the time but we always know our lives are forever connected through the fact that our Mother gave us life:~)) I am glad Megan and you have shared the email and can get back to healing.Keep the people out who try to divide you and drive a wedge between you on this Lindsey person's blog/facebook or whatever. JMO

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  25. I was immediately struck by Megan's resemblance to you, Jane. I am sorry about the discord between you, but it sounds like you have a strong relationship.

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  26. Wow Jane, your daughter does indeed resemble you and this is a compliment.
    Even though I am a stranger to you, I admire you and the work you've done from afar. As a firstmom from the BSE, I've learned a lot from the fmf So I want you to know that I am sorry to learn of this most recent chain of events. Perhaps down the line, some good will come from it.
    I hope you find some small degree of comfort in knowing that you're not alone. As Lori stated, "The betrayal of a mother by her child is not all that uncommon." From the research I have done, it appears that she is right.

    Gail

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  27. I want to thank everybody for the supportive messages.

    Thank you, thank you. I could not continue without knowing that you are behind me.

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  28. I just want to make one comment about the interview with the Desha Wood. I have read her story elsewhere, while I don't know her intimately, I believe what she says. She was very enfranchised and very much did not want to raise her child. She was not young or helpless but very in charge of what happened to her.

    She simply did not want to raise her child. No one should be forced to raise a child for sure. It is sad to me as an adoptee and a mother that she feels this way, but she does. I don't pretend to understand it, but if we are to believe many of these present day mothers who give their children away, and I can see no reason not to, they don't want their children. No child should be forced to live that life. Of course I think those women should take advantage of abortion access, I mean what a burden to place on a child. Again I am an adoptee and my opinion is not valued.

    Look at any "birthmother" or "adoptive mother" blog and you will notice they link to each other and never to adoptees. We are the ciphers in all of this except for the occasional "old grandma" blogs like FMF, where we are expected to believe that experience is worthlses. I mysself as an adoptee, am older than many of the adoptive moms who have figured out a way to sever that cord 'nicely'

    Or the happy birthmothers who wanted to give away their children. Idk, I never wanted to give away my child.

    Anyway the point I am making about the Desha Wood type, is I really do believe she knows her mind and really dosen't want her child. I can see why she doesn't want counseling. Of course that doesn't account for other mothers who are confused, perhaps young, perhaps love their child. There is a disconnect. How do you account for both types, those that really should be informed and those that could care less? Why should those that care less be forced to understand what they are doing? I mean not all women care about their children.

    Joy

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  29. Joy..uh, have you ever taken a look at our blog list--I know, it's way at the bottom of the side bar but I think it links to at least if not more sites by adoptees than other first mothers. I'm going to make it a separate page later today.

    And were we talking about birth-mother-adoption-advocate, (as she is called by some adoptive parents) Desha Wood in the way that you indicate? I think not. We knew nothing about the woman, had never heard of the woman, until we got involved in creating more first mother-friendly legislation in Oregon. Then she stepped forward apparently to oppose it. And so did the Church of the Latter-Day Saints, LDS.

    Whether or not she wants to raise her children is not the point; she (and the quasi-official LDS Family Services, or the official LDS, not sure which) seems determined to make sure that other mothers who are going to relinquish do not have a reasonable time after delivery and protections, and I think that is despicable. Personally, I think the eight days is not nearly enough time for such a life-changing decision.

    Her attitude seems to be, Well, I didn't want more time before I sign away my baby, so I'm going to make sure nobody else does either. As for those who are illegally coerced or do so with an intent to fraud--fuck 'em! She is no different from adoptees who do not want his/her original birth records, and then actively lobby, write letters, etc. against others having them.

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  30. ""Her attitude seems to be, Well, I didn't want more time before I sign away my baby, so I'm going to make sure nobody else does either. As for those who are illegally coerced or do so with an intent to fraud--fuck 'em! She is no different from adoptees who do not want his/her original birth records, and then actively lobby, write letters, etc. against others having them.""

    Lorraine, well said! I couldn't agree with your more..

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  31. Lorraine said: Personally, I think the eight days is not nearly enough time for such a life-changing decision.

    You're right. That is your own personal opinion. You can't force other women into making the choices you want them to make. You say you're a a feminist. One of the tenants of feminism is allowing all women the choice to do what they believe is best for themselves. But you believe feminism is making every woman choose your choice.

    Currently in the state of Oregon if a birthmother wants to wait 8 days to place for adoption she can. Under your proposed law you would force them to wait.

    Certainly I believe women need and deserve all the time in the world they need to make a choice as significant as choosing adoption for their child. But I don't believe the law has the right to dictate how many days, weeks, or months that is for each woman. I'm tired of the government making laws over my body, my uterus, my reproduction, and my life.

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  32. I'm totally behind Jane and Lorraine! Thanks for this great blog and continued efforts on legislative issues. And thanks to all the other blogging mothers and adoptees - your voices are being heard.

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  33. Did anonymous at 5:56 really just say that it would have been better for Desha to abort her child than to place him for adoption? Wow. I'm sure her son is happy that she gave him life. Now, I've never met Desha, but I guess it's easier to just assume the worst about people. I ran across her YouTube video of her adoption and it is very evident that she loves him. She didn't feel like she had the resources available to her to provide for him. You might not agree with her reasons, but that doesn't mean you have the right to say she doesn't love her child.

    Wow, just wow.

    To Jane and Lorraine: I can't believe you allow these hateful personal attacks to be published just because you disagree with someone (i.e. Desha). It does nothing to change the hearts and minds of someone like me who might actually be on your side.

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  34. Dear Flabergasted:

    We get blasted like mad by other first mothers and adoptees if we don't publish THEIR comments, we get blasted for publishing THOSE COMMENTS they find offensive; and we have NOT PUBLISHED the more personal and negative comments we have received about Desha Wood. Nor have we gone into her story as we do not know her story other than she is a first-mother-adoption-advocate-opposed-to-first-mother-friendly-legislation in Oregon.

    Yes, Tamra, I am a feminist but women should not be allowed to sign over their babies--for their own and their babies sake--in the hospital and need a little breathing room. This is not the same as being made to wait 48 or 72 hours before obtaining an abortion, which causes unnecessary expense to many poor women in those states where abortions are difficult to obtain.

    Although we know that many highly offensive comments about Jane were allowed to stand on Mrs. r's Facebook page, FURTHER COMMENTS THAT MENTION DESHA OR MRS. R (good or bad) WILL NOT BE PUBLISHED. As we do not have the capacity to edit the comments, the whole comment will be rejected.

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  35. oh, I should have clarified, I didn't mean your blog about the adoptees, I mean all the blogs by mothers who have relinquished in the last 20 years or so. They do not want to hear about adoptees for sure. They just want to hear the syrupy amoms and how they "lurve" their children. It is really weird.

    Joy

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  36. With regards to "choice", whatever that is, the UK adoption protocol makes provision for for women who are determined to place their child earlier:
    "If you wish your baby to be placed for adoption under six weeks of age you can agree with your social worker that this should happen and you will be asked to sign a written agreement. Your social worker will make regular visits to the child to check everything is going well and offer support. You will be kept up to date with your child’s progress."
    Presumable this means the child can under some circumstances be placed from birth, or at least shortly after, in which case the law allows for that, as well as for a woman to have a decent amount of time to decide after the birth if she needs it - which IMO most do and deserve.

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  37. Jane,thank you for your tireless efforts to bring change that is,in my opinion,desperately needed Before I started searching for my son and met other firstmothers and adopted people, I was virtually clueless about how adopted people felt. It took a lot of listening and time and I'm still learning, but maybe you and Meghan could write a column together once in awhile I think it might help a lot of people who read this blog

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  38. re:what Joy 5:56 wrote:

    Any woman who has definitely made up her mind to relinquish will not be hurt by this bill. In the end she will still make the same decision albeit a few days later.

    But it could be of enormous benefit to those women and girls who are unsure, feeling scared and/or coerced and to their babies.


    As for abortion, for some women abortion is simply not an option. I do feel very sorry though for any child who finds that his first mother just didn't want him. That must be devastating.

    Lorraine wrote:
    "Personally, I think the eight days is not nearly enough time for such a life-changing decision."

    100% agreed. I think it was Tryingtoheal who wrote on another comment that she felt 6 months was a better time frame. I agree but know that is unrealistic in this culture.

    P.S. Nice to see a picture of Megan. She's an attractive woman and I see quite a resemblance.

    @Lorraine,
    Would you have a picture of Jane as an adult that it would be okay to put up?

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  39. Jane,
    Your daughter is a beautiful girl. Even though the two of you may not have the same view on adoption issues, you have to be proud of her for standing up for what she believes in. Maybe a little like her Mom!
    As an aside my daughter was to be named Megan, but of course it didn't appear on her birth certificate.


    I do believe that 38 days is not long enough for an informed decision. Those of us who have given birth, no matter what the circumstances, must agree that you are not back to pre-pregnancy mentally or physically in 38 days. If the birth or pregancy had any difficulty at all it could take months. We owe it to those who are going through adoption now or in the future to understand how it has been a huge part of our lives many, many years later. There is no forgetting.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I don't know if being married and hiding from your family because you don't want their support can really be counted as BSE. I could be wrong but am pretty sure that saying it's BSE is a slap in the face to the mothers who really did go through that.

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  41. K, I don't know who you are talking about, but it sounds personal.
    As a bona fide Girl who Went Away (You can make that Sent Away, very much against my will), I wouldn't want to judge until I had heard the the particulars straight from the horse's mouth.

    ReplyDelete

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