|A really bad idea|
|Lorraine, not on Mother's Day|
Maybe it's because I never had any other children--I'm one of the vast number of first mothers who chose not to have a second child, the misery of relinquishment too keen on our minds to set us on that path--but Mother's Day, before, and then after, I found my daughter, was pure hell. No matter how I tried to steel myself against it, the ole' blues came up and got me. Those years she did remember me with a card were wonderful, and I could sail through the day on an even keel. But of course, she didn't remember a great many years.
As for the substitute celebrations that some adoption agencies hold--Birth Mother gatherings to celebrate our "birthmotherhood"--don't get me started. Well, I am started. I can't think of a single thing worse that pretending that Birth Mother Days are anything but pap started and nurtured by adoption agencies to somehow...I dunno. I can't even imagine what they are for because they only emphasize the fact of our...er, birthmotherhood, which has to be one of the worst words ever concocted. Various websites blame this new holiday (another reason for a whole new set of cards from Hallmark) on a group of birth mothers in Seattle. If anyone has any more information about them, I'd love to hear it.
Were they women who were meeting under the aegis of an adoption agency? Whose social workers were holding their hands while they signed their children away? I know some of our readers have participated in these events, and said they were well, sweet, but they make me ill to think about. Kinda like, let's celebrate the worst thing that every happened to a lot of us. What's next? Rape holidays?
If you are an adoptee and reading this, and don't quite understand what we are so worked up over, think about getting your adoptive mother a Happy Adoptive Mother's Day card. It's doubtful she will appreciate the precision of your greeting.
And to those who won't be acknowledged by your children, I have this one single piece of advice: Joy and happiness comes from within us. Yes, that is the zen idea of how to get through the day. Instead of waiting for the phone call that may not come, plan for yourself a treat: a comedy, shopping therapy, an afternoon treat yourself at a spa. Since my own mother died, I avoid restaurants because they are jammed and you will see...all those mothers being honored. If you have other children, enjoy them.
We may be unusually depressed on this day, but this comes from the external messages and we need to dig deep and slough them off. And then, remember, tomorrow will be another day. This too shall pass. The day after will not be "Mother's Day." Or "Birth Mother's Day." It will be Monday. All day.--lorraine
Does Mother's Day make birth mothers blue? YES.
I Wish for You a Beautiful Life: Letters from the Korean Birth Mothers of Ae Ran Won to Their Children "Written in their own words-the book conveys the heart-wrenching decisions these birth mothers must face. As a Korean adoptee who is just beginning to search for my birth family this book not only opened my heart, but also my eyes to the social stigma in Korean and the reasons so many of these women relinquish their children. It does not offer all the answers to the many questions surrounding adoption, but it does offer a captivating look at adoption from the birth mother's perspective. I recommend this book to anyone touched by adoption whether international or domestic, especially couples contemplating adoption, adoptive parents and older adoptees. It is a powerful and compelling glimpse into a side of adoption often overlooked."--Melanie, an adoptee at Amazon