Thursday, March 29, 2012

What are the happy birth moms celebrating?


Note: For those coming here from Tyler Baltierra's Tweet, we have answered his rant against us and published it at a current post:   Tyler of 16 and Pregnant Tells FMF Off!
 (Below is the original post that he first responded to)
 November 18, 2012 8:39 AM

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Lorraine
Open adoption or keeping the baby? We know that while overall very few teens--around one percent*--give up their babies for adoption anywhere anymore, the United States is far ahead of other developed nations in this regard. This is not a statistic to be cheering about--even if the impact of giving up a child in a fully open adoption does not lead to the depth of sorrow that we mothers from closed adoptions have dealt with. This is the perceived wisdom of those who compare the effect of closed adoptions versus open adoptions on the mothers who relinquish their children.

In the recent Donaldson report, Openness in Adoption, the authors state that the degree of openness generally does not affect their level of behavioral or socio-emotional adjustment [to being adopted]. The Minnesota-Texas Adoption Research Project study found, however, that higher degrees of collaboration in the adoptive kinship network [emphasis added] were associated with better
adjustment during middle years, and that adolescents in open adoptions reported a somewhat lower level of acting out than did those in confidential adoptions. All that is a good sign, but hardly enough to push adoption on teens and women who are able to care for their babies, given the right encouragement and support.

A HIGHER RATE OF SUICIDE AMONG ADOPTEES
We have seen in earlier studies that adopted children and teens generally have higher levels of psychological and emotional problems, though adoption "experts" such as Elizabeth Bartholet have tried to discount them entirely as dismiss them as "garbage." However, studies have found a higher rate, for instance, of suicide, or thoughts of suicide among adoptees. From the Journal of Mental Health Counseling, one can find this in a 2007 article:
Because of their struggles with a variety of emotional issues and biological and genetic concerns, adoptees may face intimacy with trepidation. They may avoid closeness and commitment with others or may, consciously or unconsciously, sabotage or restrain emotion in relationships (Common Clinical Issues Among Adoptees, 1995; Silverstein & Kaplan, 1982). Many never feel close to anyone. Struggles with intimacy may result in depression, alcohol abuse or drug abuse, marital troubles, or problems with family and children (Issues Facing Adult Adoptees, n.d.).
I couldn't help but note that 2007 was the year my daughter committed suicide. An adopted young woman I know has suggested she struggles with closeness and commitment issues. 

HAPPY DAPPY BIRTHMOM BLOGS
Yet on the happy birth mother blogs, which often celebrate "openness," you find no references to these  unpleasant realities. The birth mom buds, or whatever cheery name they call themselves, think we are drones from another era, swopping in to burst their blissful state of mind. They often shill for adoption agencies, as reality stars Catelynn and Tyler are doing for Bethany Christian Services. Catelynn and Tyler's website now features not only their picture, but links to hiring them to speak for the glories of giving away your children.

The website also features an old photo of the adoptive parents, Teresa and Brandon Davis. Davis? More digging reveals that not only is that name a fake one, but on Catelynn and Tyler's Facebook information page, you learn that Catelynn does not even know the couples real name or where they live! other than North Carolina, if that is true. This is a "semi-open" adoption, and the couple had no idea what that meant, apparently at the time they relinquished. According to the page, Catelynn visited her daughter, Carly with her social worker, Dawn (a real name or a pseudonym?) on Feb. 15 this year. The adoptive parents did not allow more recent pictures of them. Whenever the picture below was taken, baby Carly sure doesn't look happy here.


While comments on blogs and in magazine articles praise Catelynn and Tyler for being "wise beyond their years," and that they "made the loving decision," we do not applaud them here. We do not wish them harm, but we think their turning themselves into shills for adoption--at the same time they profess grief for having giving up their daughter--is crass.

Here's an example of the laudatory press they get:
When Teen Mom stars Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra placed their daughter Carly for adoption in May of 2009 it was one of the most heart-breaking moments in television history. For the two youngsters it was a terribly painful moment that nearly tore them both apart – and a moment neither have regretted, thanks in large part to Bethany Christian Services, the adoption agency that not only found a wonderful home for their daughter, but also helped the both of them through the struggles of dealing with the inevitable emotional trauma of giving a child up for adoption. (Emphasis added.)
Now Catelynn and Tyler are helping to repay the debt they feel towards Bethany Christian Services by appearing in one of their commercials! Catelynn talks about how fearful she was in the initial stages of the adoption process and how Bethany Christian Services works with the birth mothers closely to help guide them through the decision making process and then the adoption, if that’s what the mother decides.
 IN ADOPTION--PROVIDER OF BABY BEWARE
A little caveat at the end--if that’s what the mother decides--but it is hard to imagine that with this kind of advertising, Bethany is doing much to encourage young women to keep their babies. Working closely with the birth mothers seemingly does not include a frank discussion of what a "semi-open" adoption is to two young green teens--how it actually means "semi-closed," with the adoptive parents' real names and location not revealed. We'd call that scamming the birth mother to get the baby. Although the adoptive parents are photographed, theoretically they could still disappear at any time, and Catelynn and Tyler would not be able to find their daughter. When does the contact end? When social-worker Dawn no longer makes the trip with them? And what happens to young mothers without a TV show picking up the travel expenses to visit a distant state? Catelynn and Tyler are in Michigan; supposedly the adoptive parents are in North Carolina. These are the loopholes in a "semi-open" adoption that are big enough to drive an elephant through. Pregnant women need to beware of agency promises and agreeable prospective adopters before the surrender is signed. One can--and should--always opt for a fully open adoption with everyone's complete contact information known, and then choose parents who live nearby so that visiting is not costly and out of reach. As readers here know, it is possible, and there are adoptive parents who not only keep their promises, but go beyond and keep both families close.

Despite how Catelynn and Tyler were apparently snookered, they have been turned into poster birth parents to convince others to likewise give up their babies. We understand that the home lives of Catelynn and Tyler were not ideal, but as I recall, Catelynn's mother was against the adoption. However, circumstances change and one's baby is gone. What the positive press on them neglects to mention that adoption still hurts the child relinquished, even for such a wonderful and "open" adoption as Bethany was able to provide.--lorraine 
------------------------
*According a recent report of the Children’s Bureau of the U.S. Department of Heath and Human Services, data on voluntary domestic infant adoptions is not collected systematically. A 2003 study by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention put the number at close to 14,000, about one percent of children born to never married women. The percentage for single white women surrendering was 1.7 percent; for black women it is near zero. We have no reason to suspect this number has changed. We suspect that it does vary widely in different areas of the country. 

From FMF: Catelynn & Tyler's open adoption will stay open; for other first mothers, not so much
 Inconsolable grief
No Matter How Adoption is Done, Grief Remains for Mothers

Sources: Suicide, psychiatric illness, and social maladjustment in intercountry adoptees in Sweden: a cohort study.  Finding: Adoptees in Sweden have a high risk for severe mental health problems and social maladjustment in adolescence and young adulthood. We advise professionals to give appropriate consideration to the high risk of suicide in patients who are intercountry adoptees. (Only intercountry adoptees were studied.)
Use of mental health services by adults who were adopted as infants
OPENNESS IN ADOPTION:FROM SECRECY AND STIGMA TO KNOWLEDGE AND CONNECTIONS

VIDEOS Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra star in commercials for Bethany Christian Services...

61 comments :

  1. On the show, Catelynn and Tyler seemed quite upset with BCS. After the fact, they discovered that they were not permitted to know the adoptive parents' real names or their daughter's location and questioned how open the adoption actually was vs. what they felt it was presented to be, Dawn the adoption worker responded (paraphrasing) basically saying "if you wanted more openness, you should have said so before the adoption was finalized."

    Despite the fact that Bethany is the largest agency in the U.S. and knows just about EVERYTHING about adoption law whereas Catelynn and Tyler clearly knew NOTHING, BCS still put it on them to have known what open adoption is, what to ask for, and how to protect their rights as surrendering parents. And yet people railed against Oregon's initiative to make disclosure mandatory to surrendering parents because they think it's rare agencies aren't honest? Can people still really believe this after seeing the largest agency in the U.S. behave like this on MTV's most popular show, second only to Jersey Shore in ratings?

    "if that's what the mother decides" indeed.

    It's interesting what people "decide" when only have what information the people "helping" them "decide" want them to have.

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  2. Yuck. When will they ever learn? Gonna share on FB.

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  3. Catelyn's mother is abusive and her home life is so depressing. I think the decision to have the child be raised elsewhere was also an attempt to spare her a revolting environment.

    If Catelyn's mother had been a more nuturing and less damaged person then the adoption probably wouldn't have happened.

    Both her and Tyler were practically children when this happened.

    It's a shame they are brainwashed and exploited so ruthlessly by Bethany and it makes me feel very sorry for them.

    Some solid financial and emotional support would have been better for them than having to be separated from their daughter.

    Not being trusted with knowing her real name or location i s disrespectful to them.

    The whole thing is ugly.

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  4. I remember watching this show and story line in horror, knowing what would be down the road for them after all was said and done.

    Watching "Dawn", the Bethany social wrecker badger them in the hospital, because it was a whopping five hours after birth and the adopters waiting patiently down stairs should be allowed to see and hold the baby made me cringe. Those new parents should have been left alone during such a private and traumatic time. This was coercion at it's finest.

    I didn't trust the adopters, either. They seemed phony and saccharine, doing and saying what ever they thought would allow them to procure that child. I truly believe if it were not for the press they got because they were on that show, this would be another "open adoption" that closed. Time will tell whether or not it stays open. When Catelynn and Tyler are out of the spotlight, will that be "Brandon's and Theresa's" great escape? I would not be surprised in the least if it happened.

    I remember distinctly when I was 8 months pregnant, having dinner with my child's soon to be adopters. The prospective adoptive father make the snarky comment that "You know everything about us, yet we know nothing about you." He said this because I had read their "Dear Birthmother" blue folder which had everything in it they WANTED me to know. I did not know their last names or where they lived. They had privy to my social security number, last name and address. I think it was the other way around.

    If prospective adoptive parents are so interested in such "openness" with the families of the children they are adopting, why the secrecy and deception about who they really are or where they live? I will suffice to say that they don't want openness at all. Too many cases have proven this to be true.

    Up front, this should be a red flag for any young woman considering "open adoption".

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  5. I'll wager $20 that the "Davis" couple changed baby Carly's name, too.

    I saw all of them on a Teen Mom reunion show and the AMAAAAAZING adoptive parents didn't even bother to the bring the baby. Catelynn kept gushing "I love you" to the couple, but they barely reciprocated and seemed put off by Catelynn's overwhelming emotion. "Theresa" also did a fine job of putting them in their place by congratulating them for "respecting us as Carly's parents" - said with a very stern, authoritarian tone. I suspect this couple will be long gone after the spotlight fades.

    Catelynn and Tyler don't have ideal parents, no question about that. But I still think these young adults would have been wonderful parents to Carly and the adoption was completely unnecessary. It breaks my heart every time I see them.

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  6. For those who read the post last night or early this morning, a revised ending:

    A little caveat at the end--if that’s what the mother decides--but it is hard to imagine that with this kind of advertising, Bethany is doing much to encourage young women to keep their babies. Working closely with the birth mothers seemingly does not include a frank discussion of what a "semi-open" adoption is to two young green teens--how it actually means "semi-closed," with the adoptive parents' real names and location not revealed. We'd call that scamming the birth mother to get the baby. Although the adoptive parents are photographed, theoretically they could still disappear at any time, and Catelynn and Tyler would not be able to find their daughter. When does the contact end? When social-worker Dawn no longer makes the trip with them? And what happens to young mothers without a TV show picking up the travel expenses to visit a distant state? Catelynn and Tyler are in Michigan; supposedly the adoptive parents are in North Carolina. These are the loopholes in a "semi-open" adoption that are big enough to drive an elephant through. Pregnant women need to beware of agency promises and agreeable prospective adopters before the surrender is signed. One can--and should--always opt for a fully open adoption with everyone's complete contact information known, and then choose parents who live nearby so that visiting is not costly and out of reach. As readers here know, it is possible, and there are adoptive parents who not only keep their promises, but go beyond and keep both families close.

    Despite how Catelynn and Tyler were apparently snookered, they have been turned into poster birth parents to convince others to likewise give up their babies. We understand that the home lives of Catelynn and Tyler were not ideal, but as I recall, Catelynn's mother was against the adoption. However, circumstances change and one's baby is gone. What the positive press on them neglects to mention that adoption still hurts the child relinquished, even for such a wonderful and "open" adoption as Bethany was able to provide.

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  7. Can the "reunion" show be seen on the computer? If it comes around again, please let us know ahead of time. Will definitely watch!

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  8. The link says it is not currently available but will be back soon. There are other videos with Catelynn here as well.

    http://www.mtv.com/videos/teen-mom-season-2-finale-special-check-up-with-dr-drew/1650368/playlist.jhtml

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  9. I don't get why anyone watches these idiotic shows, and anyone whose real life actions would be influenced by them can't be too bright anyhow. "Reality TV" is not remotely connected to unscripted real life.
    Bethany is a terrible agency, but not just because of this show.

    Turn off the tube, go for a walk. There are much more urgent things to worry about.

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  10. I can't imagine how anyone can be celebrating the destruction of not one person, but at minimum people. The biological parents - no matter what they claim - end up with issues that last a lifetime, no matter how much "help" they get. The children spend their lives trying to "fit" because they don't know who they are - at minimum.

    How can you think that is okay?

    Sick and worse - they televise it like it is some kind of miracle.

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  11. Catelynn and Tyler have become America's sweethearts. They are actually the reason that I found FMF. I was getting so nauseated by the endless accolades about how brave and strong they are and how "right" their decision was that I kept searching and was overjoyed when I found there were other people who knew that giving up a child for adoption isn't such a great thing.

    I sometimes wish something would happen to bring Catelynn and Tyler back to earth and to realize that APs are just people and not that AMAAZZING after all. Something like Teresa and Brandon getting divorced might do it.

    I remember being really surprised when I watched the show thinking that in an open adoption, the first parents still could not know their child's new last name or where she lived. I felt right away that Tyler and Catelynn's youth and naivete were being taken advantage of. Brandon and Teresa even said that they originally were only interested in a closed adoption. It's quite a stretch to go from wanting a closed adoption to having a so-called open one that is shown on tv.

    People like birthmom buds who keep telling the world how great it is to give up a child for adoption are just the flip side of adoptees telling their first parents how happy they are that they were given up. Most children do not want to be given away by their parents (this is where a lot of adoptee pain comes from) so hearing their n-mothers say how happy they are with their decision must be very hurtful. I cannot imagine my first mother in her wildest imagination ever being a birthmom bud. She would think that anyone who considers it a good thing to give up their child must be out of their mind.

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  12. I don't understand how ANYONE in ANY situation would trust someone who wouldn't disclose their last name or what state they lived in! You have to disclose more than that when you write a check! In the Catelynn and Tyler saga at one point the adoptive parents SUPRISED them by showing them a video of Callie inside their home! What is so secretive? It's really reall sad. This is not Open Adoption!

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  13. 2nd Mom, you are right.

    This kind of "semi-closed" adoption only masquerades as "open." Thanks to Bethany CHRISTIAN Services for scamming young and unknowing mothers.

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  14. One day I predict they will look at their empty arms and say "WTF". But the cameras will not be rolling when that happens.

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  15. One thing to really consider! We live very close to my daughter's first family. She has an uncle who is exactly one year older than she is. If we weren't in a very open relationship there is a likelihood that they would meet somewhere along the way. The idea that she could one day have actually unwittingly dated or MARRIED her UNCLE!!! I don't think there are enough words to describe that horror!!! For me this is a very real argument for the NEED TO KNOW who you are and where you came from if you WERE adopted!

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  16. Lorraine, as a mother by adoption, I'm obviously not anti-adoption, but I think the Catelynn/Tyler situations stinks. Tyler should have been a man and married her when she got pregnant, rather than put her throughthe trauma of having to give up her child. Catelynn and Tyler now live together, are engaged to be married, and are making ends meet. So, why aren't they raising their baby. Sometimes shotgun weddings make sense. I am raising my son to know that no girl or woman better give up a baby she had with him just because he won't do the right thing and marry her. Again, I am not anti-adoption, but I am opposed to girls like Catelynn being effectively abandoned by the men who make them credit.

    (Just a question...does anybody else out there suspect the reason Tyler didn't just marry Catelynn and raise the baby is that he is gay? The diamond earrings on a white boy are bizarre. Rappers and gay men wear them.)

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  17. @Maryanne

    I'm not sure who your comment was directed at, but I personally only watched this show because I happened upon it and discovered the adoption story line. I am also very fit, so your advice to all of us to "turn off the tube and take a walk" will go unheeded by yours truly, thanks.

    No, reality T.V. is not real life but the way Caitlynn and Tyler were coerced and manipulated was very real and similar to how so many other young vulnerable natural mothers (and fathers) treated in so called "open adoptions." They way "Dawn" behaved as a social worker at an adoption agency is also very parallel to how so many other adoption agency social workers behave in this country, while trying to sever the bonds between mothers, fathers and their children. I can say that because I personally lived it. It was not exactly like theirs, of course but there were many similarities.

    I do think the way MTV exploited those two (and everyone else on other shows like this) is disgusting, but it is refreshing to hear from those of us here who will honestly say that, as opposed to everyone else telling them how "wonderful" they are for relinquishing their daughter. We all know what is most likely down the line for them.

    @ 2ndmom:

    "I don't understand how ANYONE in ANY situation would trust someone who wouldn't disclose their last name or what state they lived in!"

    Me "trusting" my son's adopters was my biggest mistake. Too bad we can't go back as the adults knowing what we know now, that we didn't know then. I will never understand how I allowed this to happen and never will. Being young, vulnerable, easily manipulated and naive when you are scared and pregnant is the only conclusion I can come up with. I am sure Caitlynn and Tyler will realize the same thing one day, along with so many others who lost their children to this fraud.

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  18. Also, Stephanie, let us not forget that in the first few days surrounding birth, various hormones are playing havoc with our thoughts and ability to see beyond the present. You did what seemed like the right think to do at the time, and you were lied to by unscrupulous people. Our hope is that other young women reading this blog and others will have the ability to stand back and not be manipulated by "semi-open" adoptions and the like.

    And considering how things are working our to Catelynn and Tyler, they are living together and going to college, it's obvious with the right help they could have kept their baby. Perhaps the only good the show 16 and Pregnant can do is teach other young pregnant teens that adoption is not such a good path and "semi-open" really means "legally closed," and you are left without knowledge of the real whereabouts or identity of your baby.

    And other Anon, no a diamond earring or earring or any kind worn by a guy is not a sign of gayness; it's just hip today. One of the most macho men I know--an architect from New Zealand--wears a diamond stud; I know a teen boy the girls are crazy about who wears an arrow earring. Every generation has its own markers of cool.

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  19. 2nd Mom: keep spreading your message and tell others about how are you handling your adoption. Hearing from you I am sure lifts the spirits of many who read here.

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  20. Stephanie,

    Many of us were way too trusting, young, and just not capable of knowing the heartache that was ahead for us. After 43 years I still don't understand why?

    I do know that I have always loved my daughter with all my heart. I am part of her and she is part of me and no one can take that away from us.

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  21. I relinquished through Bethany's "counselor" in the 80s. Just weeks later, I was recruited to speak on their behalf (on Q&A panels for potential adoptive couples).

    They chose mothers who were only weeks to months post partum. The last time I spoke, I was the veteran at about two years into an open adoption that would later close. Though I spoke for them three times, never during these times did I know open adoption wasn't legally enforceable. They'd lead me to believe it was simply part of the adoption, with all the legalities as such. I didn't question it any more than I questioned the components of any legal process. (I also didn't know birth certificates were altered and sealed, another little omitted detail).

    My counsel had been religiously based, and I was ripe for it at the time. Though I continually rejected the notion that I was a vessel to deliver a baby intended for someone else, I bought enough of their "act of redemptive love" feed to be a poster birthmom for a time. For a time.

    I had said no to adoption. Had said no to them after giving birth, etc. They knew full well that I wanted to raise my child, but brought the big guns in after I delivered.

    That was a long time ago. Looking back, I probably survived the first several years by believing it had been some divinely orchestrated plan.

    I worry about some of the newer blogging birthmoms. I worry about how this kind of belief system will hold up if an adoption closes or if a child doesn't perceive it the way the adults were counseled to. (I'm certain these moms were told by counselors, to greater or lesser degrees, that their children would be "grateful" for their "self sacrifice.")

    I've seen that the age of 7 or 8 is a pivotal one in open adoptions. As the child seeks to forge his or her own relationship with his or her birthmother and begins to ask difficult questions of both birth and adoptive parents, this is where I've seen many open adoptions begin to close down.

    Bethany prepares nobody for these questions. At least in the 80s and 90s, they fostered the archaic belief that there would be no need for such questions if a child was "well adjusted."

    Some articles suggest that their core agenda is spreading the gospel via adoption into Christian families. I don't know that individual counselors operate with that belief, but the evidence is mounting against their tactics.

    As for the bloggers you've mentioned, most are relatively newly into this. Time and experience will likely reinforce the beliefs of some and, sadly, shatter the beliefs of others.

    I suspect, so long as Bethany views children as "angels" and relinquishing mothers as "redeemed" (rather than viewing all involved as merely human), the latter will occur more than the former.

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  22. something else that bothers me is I saw an article saying that the so called Brandon and Theres will not allow Cate and Tyler to post any updated pictures of Carly on their myspace, facebook, or personal web pages til she is 18 years old. That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of in my life. What do they think that someone will see the childs picture then see them in public and kidnap her? How rude of them not to let the birth parents enjoy and share pictures of their daughter with the world. They should have thought about that before stealing the baby of people on a reality show that has a lot of fans who want to see the cute baby.

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  23. I would bet at this point that the Davis's are sorry they adopted the daughter of celebrity couple, Catelynn and Tyler. Way too much attention on them.
    And I am not in the least surprised they do not want pictures posted of their daughter, Carly. Too much intrusion, and I bet they are saying: This is not what we signed up for. They do not want to be sharing their daughter with her other parents.

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  24. Some of you seem ignorant. I am not trying to be mean or rude, but I don't understand why if you saw any of what was on Teen Mom you think this innocent child should have been exposed to that. Both Catelynn and Tyler's parents had serious issues. Catelynn's mom was borderline emotionally abusive, Tyler's father in and out of jail and directly telling him he loved drugs more than his children and then being locked up for domestic abuse. Yes, perfect enviornment for a baby. I think they could have done it, however I think they wanted a more stable enviornment for their daughter and that is what they tried to give her. I do believe they were misinformed on aspects of how the adoption would play out, but I also truly believe they, at present time at least, are content with the decision. Maybe they won't always be, but that is their battle. Do you all TRULY believe they knew they would get a regular series on MTV when they chose to place their daughter in a more stable home? I HIGHLY doubt it, but that is how and why they are doing so well. If they knew they would be as stable as they are now in their own home, maybe they would have decided to keep their daughter with them. I know people who grew up in situations with absent, abusive parents who would have never chosen to raise their children in that enviornment. And to the person who said they think Tyler is gay because he wears earrings, you shouldn't raise ANY children, yours or otherwise with ignorance like that.

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  25. This in fact, is Tyler from Teen Mom. What is amusing to me is how asinine and ignorant you sound. "Give Up" no, you give up something you don't care about, you give up something that has no more value to you, you give up an old pair of shoes. This is a child your talking about. I "Placed" my biological daughter for adoption. I made a PLAN for her, I sacrificed for her, and I made sure that no matter what the trials I may face, she would have the life that she deserved. Why? Because she is, like all children, innocent and never asked to be brought into this world, especially the chaotic lifestyle that was inevitable for her considering I was a child myself. Is that not what parents do for their children? Sacrifice and do whatever is best for their children, regardless how it affects themselves? Putting that child first and always first, far above themselves?

    You have more than one statement wrong in this article as I will only point out a few, as I mentioned earlier, us birthparents NEVER "Give Up" our babies for starters. Catelynn and I's adoption with Carly is fully open. Do you even know the difference between semi-open and open? Clearly you do not. Semi-Open adoption is when the adopted child and birthparent exchange full range of communication, besides face to face communication. Open is the same thing as semi-open, except they have full range of communication AND face to face communication. Brandon and Teresa have given us their address, we know their last name and speak regularly. So regarding those FALSE statements, let it be clear that you have no clue about me, my daughter, or my fiance.

    The other thing I wanted to address that you are correct about, is that Brandon and Teresa could in fact close the adoption entirely. Yes they have complete control. Why? because they are HER parents not Catelynn and I. Why? because WE chose them to be her parents. Why? because we believe in those wonderful outstanding people, that they are going to raise her with the up most morals, values, and responsibility. Those things few sixteen year old kids are ready to do, because they barely have learned those things themselves at such a tender age. Faith is believing in something when everyone surrounding you tells you not to, well I have FAITH they are going to always allow us to be apart of their lives. What kind of life would you live if you never had faith in people? A lonely one.

    Another correction, I did all the research about adoption before even calling BCS. I took the time to distinctively learn EVERYTHING about adoption and how each type is different from the other. I informed myself of my decision based on pure fact, that I acquired through my own research. I decided on what was best for my daughter and acted on that immediately. BCS helped with grief counseling yes, but I took the initiative to educate myself on this lifelong decision before, well as you say "being brainwashed" by BCS. So another FALSE statement you ignorantly wrote.

    Let me tell you something Lorraine. Do not assume you know everything about someones decision or life, just because you have seen 20% of that life on the television. I in deed think you have been brain washed by reality TV. All of a sudden you know all about Catelynn and I's life because we shared four years of it on national television? newsflash, we had 15 years of traumatic life experiences up until that point and a plethora of moments that were never aired on the show. You speak about our lives as if you know about our lives, which clearly you do not.

    Stop being such a bitter woman about this subject. Just because your experience hasn't been the most memorable or what you envisioned, please do not make it seem like all other adoption stories are as sour as your experience with it, whatever it may be.

    Next time your going to write about some other strangers life, make sure to get the details about them first before spewing out ignorant, acridness, and completely FALSE statements.

    Sincerely,
    Tyler Baltierra

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  26. Everyone should read Tyler's response to this article :)

    https://www.facebook.com/tyler.baltierra.39/posts/413961068669976

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  27. so many of you are so judgemental and ignorant. You dont understand Tyler or Cate's life. You never will. For you to say whether the adoption was right or not, is wrong. As parents, they know what is best for their child. adoption is one of the hardest things to go through. My niece is in a closed adoption and its hard. But comparing someone's pain? C'mon now. They have a lot of pain throughout their decision. But they did it for
    Carly. I admire their strength and its amazing what they do to make sure that they will Impress Carly in the future and achieve more than their parents did. You earn nothing for yourself by judging others. You've become a very cold woman. Your support is biased too. Move on with your life.

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  28. very VERY biased article. you are obviously not a journalist.

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  29. Wow this article is extremely harsh and judgmental. Adoption is an amazing sacrifice, and I respect anyone who could make that sacrifice for their child. It is a far better and loving choice compared to abortion. Catelynn & Tyler made the best decision they could for her, and I support them 100%. Carly is going to have a wonderful life, and she is a blessing to Brandon and Teresa. Anyone who places their child with an adopted family gives those parents the most amazing blessing, because they may not have been able to have a child if not for adoption. This blog is about to get a lot more views since Tyler responded. All of his supporters are going to stand up for him. In my opinion, this blog needs to be taken down, because its hateful and wrong. And you talk about making moral choices...

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  30. You shouldn't be judging someone because of a tv show. Just because they were on it does not mean you know everything about them. Also, just because your adoption was a dreadfull one doesn't mean everyone elses are. Think before you go posting things without completly knowing the reality. Yes, some people shouldn't be trusted and some young teens are too trusting but, not all teenagers think the same way. I believe that you shouldn't go writing about someone's life if you don't know everything about it and saying that they made a big mistake. Learn the real facts before you go saying something about someone you don't even know personally.

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  31. This is such a biased and spiteful article. Being in direct opposition to something as loving and sacrificial as adoption is extremely shortsighted. For those struggling to make such a decision during turbulent times adoption is a peaceful alternative to abortion. Both options will leave wounds forever. For many birth parents struggling with unstable environments like Catelynn and Tyler's, adoption offers the gift of life to both the child and the adoptive couple eagerly awaiting the joys of parenthood. What would your alternative be? It sounds as if you believe that all children should be raised by their birth parents, regardless of circumstances. Given the conditions previously discussed, do you honestly feel that perpetuating the cycle of a dysfunctional lifestyle is healthier? Tyler and Catelynn made a loving choice to provide Carly a life of greater stability and love. I understand as a mother of four (whom I have been blessed to birth AND raise with my husband) that you will forever grieve the loss of your daughter. But please be honest with yourself. Taking your pain out on others benefits no one. Shame on you for spewing such hateful bias on people who want to give their child a life they could only have dreamed of.

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  32. As an adoptee in a CLOSED adoption I am deeply offended ny this article. I have a non adoptee brother and both he and I are wonderful people with excellent lives. My Uncle (my mothers brother) was also adopted and never ever have I met a man like him who knew that blood wasn't thicker than water (no offense Catelynn or Tyler as birth parents). As I grew up I desired to learn who my mother was but when I found out a small amount (no offence to that family as they know me :) I backed off and no longer desire to know them as I have a family a true family my Mom, Dad and brother. I also believe that since you lost your daughter you are completely biased and this should have been written by someone who had not experienced this loss as you are searching for a reason for her to kill herself and upon not finding one you latched onto a study that would work for your situation. You may want to look upon yourself and those surrounding her instead of research that DOES NOT and DID NOT affect your child. If you are a pregnant teen or a parent of one please do not lets this page be the last one that you read there are other choices besides keeping a child, adoption, abortion etc. Adoption is not the devil it may not be for everyone but it does work for some!

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  33. I'm sorry, but how can you base an article on facts from 1995 and older? There has to be better, updated information. This indicates to me that you aren't happy with what current research states, so you dug until you could find what YOU think is right. You are not God. You have no right to judge someone on your own moral code because their ideals and aspirations for their biological child are different than what YOU think they should be.

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  34. While I do believe that some people do not have great adoption experiences, it's not right to say that everyone has the same experience. If you've seen any of Tyler and Caitlynn recently, then you know that they're both extremely happy, Carly is happy and healthy, and they are becoming remarkable people. Not all adoption stories have sad endings.

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  35. Seriously it is 2012. You should not marry someone because you are about to have a kid with them. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high. People marry for the WRONG reasons. Who cares about the tv show and showing it a semi-open adoption. It is a TV show. They hide the truth they dont put everything on there.

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  36. I am an adoptive mom. BCS was not the agency for us as they were not keen on the level of openness that we wanted (our girls' parents have our full information and we have visits).

    Something I don't understand is how birthparents attack each other.

    I followed Tyler and Catelynn's story with interest. The main thing I have seen as I watched the relationship grow is that they have all changed over time. Dawn has done a good job of guiding Tyler and Catelynn through their emotions. She helped them see the reality of the situation at times, while providing support as she could.

    If anyone has followed the Teen Mom shows, NONE of the parents are together as a couple. Most have had bitter breakups and the child(ren) have been used as pawns at times.

    However it all came about, two loving, caring young people made a heart-wrenching decision to change the course of their daughter's life. They are not always "happy faces" of adoption. To believe that they are happy and carefree without ever a thought to their daughter is nonsense. A piece of their heart is away from them with only an occasional reconnection.

    As time has gone by, I know that our girls' moms still struggle with the adoptions. It isn't a constant struggle, but periodic. They are happy with the choices we are making for our children. They keep up with what is going on in our life.

    I was in a bookstore yesterday and saw a book that claimed it was the "Everything you need to know about adoption" book. I got a hearty laugh about that, because it is an impossible task. Adoption is constantly evolving, and those of us that want to attempt to do it well will change with it. Those that want to continue the stigma will not.

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  37. WOW! I just read this:

    https://www.facebook.com/tyler.baltierra.39/posts/413961068669976

    Let me tell you something, Tyler, Caitlyn and all the other people who get off to calling this woman, her blog and the commenters here "ignorant". Let's see how you feel a few years down the line when you realize the repercussions of what you have done; which is permanently lose your daughter to a baby broker who gives not one rats behind about either of you. Your baby broker friend cared only about the bottom line, procuring your infant for adoption at a very high price for her paying customers. Make no mistake. You raked on six figures having your lives and that of your daughter EXPLOITED for the masses on national T.V, (which would have enabled you to provide more than what your daughter needed) and you want to call us, who have LIVED the nightmare of adoption "IGNORANT"? Perhaps you should look in the mirror if you want to see "ignorant".

    Moreover, Caitlyn and Tyler, as a mother of open adoption fraud, let's see how you feel when the couple (whatever their real names are) make off with your daughter after you become of an inconvenience and/ or a threat to them. You are too busy kissing their asses right now, as it widely apparent, (which is quite disgusting, honestly), but you will live to regret being their puppet on a string for a few crumbs about your daughter. Let's also see how you feel if and when they stop communicating with you and you don't know if she is dead or alive. Those people don't care about you. They wanted your daughter so they could run off and live in fantasy land, "as if born to them" delusion. You are sadly mistaken if you think they want you around in any way, shape or form and they probably cannot stand having to send you any updates; and only do because you were all on a national TV show and don't want to be exposed for bogus open adoption promises.

    Had MTV paid me six figures to be on some exploitative stupid reality show 20 some odd years ago just to give my child away for ratings, I would have taken my child and run like hell. It is only a matter of time before you see how you were duped. Please feel free to come back here and call all of us "old miserable women" ignorant, then.

    For all of you other people commenting, why don't YOU offer up one of your children then come back here and tell us how fucking WONDERFUL it is, while you proceed to sit behind your computer screens and make nasty comments about those of us who HAVE lived this nightmare. Sounds pretty 'ignorant' to me....

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  38. @Kristin:

    "Anyone who places their child with an adopted family gives those parents the most amazing blessing"

    It is no one's duty to provide the infertiles of this world with her infant. It is not an "amazing blessing". It is tragic to lose your child due to temporary life circumstances.

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  39. Obviously some of the readers here are not aware that I relinquished my daughter to be adopted--I am a birth mother myself--found her when she was 15, and had a relationship with her for more than a quarter of a century. Adoption was not the only issue in her life, as she had epilepsy. She committed suicide in 2007. Both adoption and epilepsy are factors in some suicides.

    Yes, times have changed since I relinquished my daughter, to the extent that only one percent of the babies that might be considered for adoption--as Carly was--are actually given up. You may have made an "adoption plan," and done the research before you went to Bethany, as you say, but to most adoptees, as they age, "adoption plan" reads emotionally as abandoned by my parents.I do not wish you or Catelynn ill, but I am sorry that you have turned into spokespeople for adoption, and Bethany. While you are writing about your wise and measured and loving decision, we get emails from distraught and depressed women who relinquished under pressure and would do anything to have their children back.

    And you do seem to be unaware that a great many, if not most, adoptions that start out as "open" end up closed. Thank you for clarifying exactly how your adoption plan for Carly is set up, but as you affirm, Brandon and Theresa can close the adoption whenever they want.

    I will post a more thorough response later today.

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  40. Wow. Tyler sure is angry and bitter. And beyond defensive. Maybe he's already starting to realize the negative consequences of his actions and can't bear to be called out on them?

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  41. Aaaand...cue the Tyler Fan Club trolls. They've found your blog and have brought forth the pitchforks and torches. Tyler, my heart breaks for you because, sweetie...you are wrong, not Lorraine. You are simply too young and too fresh in the loss of your daughter to truly understand what you've done. You need the long lens of years of experience and hindsight to comprehend the consequences of your actions. There are literal portions of your higher brain that haven't finished developing. So jump down off of your high horse for a moment and resist the urge to comment on a deeply personal topic to you on the everyone-can-see-it interwebs. It doesn't speak well for you as a man and a father. You should be grieving privately and stay out of the limelight. You chose instead to make this whole chunk of your life public; those of us in the adoption community see it, analyze it against years of experience, data and evidence, and yes, write about it. It will be commented upon. Those are the breaks.

    I am, by the way an adult Intercountry adopted person (Ireland-US), and the mother of a daughter relinquished in PA in 1978. Both closed, coerced; reunited with both my mum and daughter. I have been an adoption activist since Jesus wore knee pants and possess a lens so long I can see your house from here, Tyler. It's a lifelong experience -- for you both, for your daughter. Hindsight and retrospection will have you typing a whole different story here one day.

    Haters can say what they want, but they can't refute years of history, hard evidence and what we know is an ongoing legacy in the name of secrecy, deception and the almighty dollar.

    "Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful"
    — The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE

    Terrific blogpost, Lorraine.

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  42. Tyler, for someone so at "peace" with your decision to "PLACE" your daughter for adoption, you sure are defensive.

    Caitlyn, for you to want to have a "career" as an "adoption counselor" so other young vulnerable women can live a life ambiguous grief and loss (and that of their children) is despicable. You should be ashamed of yourself.

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  43. As an ADOPTEE I am truly offended by this article as well!!! My adoption was a closed adoption and I was part of a family that after adopting me they had a son (who would be a non-adopted child) and I have had the most amazing life!!! I found out when I was 5 years old that I was adopted and I grew up just fine! I never had emotional issues or any drug abuse problems or anything else! I also have a Uncle that was adopted by my grandfather when he was 3 because his birth father wasn't a very great man and he was the most outstanding man I have ever known!!! I met my birth mother 2 years ago when I was 20 and it has been amazing! We have either face to face contact a lot since she lives about 15 minutes away and we talk on the phone daily! She has 2 children and a step child and they are the most wonderful blessings in my life! I have no hard feelings and I am blessed to have had someone who was so selfless and loving to place me in a better home so that I would be able to have a mother and a father who could financially provide for me and give me everything I could want! She was 15 and my birth father and his family was no where to be found when it came to me! She had an amazing family behind her who I have also had the pleasure of bringing into my life and even though they were there she didn't want me to have less than I deserved! She didn't want me to have to live in her baggage and have to deal with the things my birth father and his family had done! So when you sit here and say how you "closed-adoption" mothers feel you can't hardly group you all together! My birth mother is content and happy with her decision and I am as well! As well are a lot of other birth mothers I'm sure! I am truly sorry about your daughter but blaming her suicide on adoption is asinine! You are looking for an excuse and you may never find one! Stop blaming it on adoption because some people may not always handle their adoption experience well but that is not the only reason that happens! There were more problems there that led to that decision! I truly hope other moms who are trying to decide on adoption do not make their decision not to based on this ignorant blog! Adoption may not be for everyone but I know a lot of people who have truly benefited from it!!!

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  44. Catelyn and Tyler did what they had to do. Clearly
    You never paid any attention to their show. Did you
    Not watch any of their home life? Catelyns mom
    And Tyler's dad were in a terrible abusive relationship.
    They knew that by raising Carly she would
    Be exposed to this. They made an amazing choice
    And if you actually knew what you were talking about
    You would agree. Put yourself in their shoes,
    And I promIse you would have made the same decision.
    This arrival you wrote is crap, get your facts straight lady.

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  45. lady your an idiot! adoption is a wonder thing. giving someone who is unable to have a child the best gift in the world. so i guess you think its ok for kids to be raising kids in horrible situations? having a baby is hard and you think a teenager could do better than an adult who has been wanting a child forever and cant have one. most adoptive children are grateful they were given a better life i don't know where u get your information lady not every situation is is like yours. maybe you need to do some research

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  46. https://www.facebook.com/dawnmbake

    Awwww.... she is Facebook friends with her "clients". She has to make sure they tow the line, right?

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  47. @anoymous 10:14 AM

    Idiot? You mean yourself, correct? I think mothers who have lived the nightmare of adoption are most definitely qualified to speak about adoption. As I stated before, if adoption is so wonderful, offer up your own flesh and blood and come back here and tell us how 'wunnerful' it is and by the way, it is NO ONE'S DUTY to provide the infertiles of this world with a baby.

    Your idiotic logic that all children who are adoption would have lived 'horrible' lives is a fallacy. Most women who lose their children to adoption would have been good mothers to their children, had they given themselves the chance. Most women who lose their children to adoption are young and vulnerable, NOT child abusing animals.

    You may want to do a little "research" of your own, 'lady', and learn how to compose a coherent sentence while your at it...

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  48. I love how this baby broker Dawn has the words "planned, parameters and purpose" in bold throughout her drivel, adoption propaganda note...This woman sickens me.

    https://www.facebook.com/notes/dawn-amann-baker/three-ps-to-1st-post-adoptive-meeting-with-birth-parents-purpose-plan-parameters/10151319848869575

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  49. I just want to respond to people who think that adoption is such a wonderful institution. I am an adoptee, not a birth mother. I have never known my first family, and I doubt I ever will. I was born during the "baby snatching" era in the 70's.

    Adoption isn't beautiful.

    From personal experience, it is a constant source of confusion in the back of your mind. Who am I? Where did I come from? Why did they not love me? And no matter how many people tell you how you are supposed to feel, it doesn't help. There are always questions until it becomes this roar that you can't think over anymore.

    Yes, I've thought about suicide. Yes, I have intimacy issues. Abandonment issues. Problems with feeling emotions...

    And my adoptive parents were NOT the sweet loving parents that every birth mother hopes will raise their child.

    Given the recent stories of adoptive parents and abuse of the children they adopt, you have to wonder just how much psychological testing is involved when screening potential adoptive parents. Is there any? There certainly wasn't when my adoption was being finalized, and it doesn't seem that anything has improved in thirty years.

    Wake up, people. This adoption racket is NOT about what is best for the child. It is about money. Who has it. Who wants a baby bad enough to pay for it. THAT is what adoption is REALLY about anymore.

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  50. Amanda,
    Yes, Tyler and Catelynn are not always--or ever really--the happy faces of adoption, as I wrote in Catelynn and Tyler--still grieving over the loss of their daughter. Nothing is sadder than watching them insist they've done the right thing while tears roll down their faces.

    While they can tell themselves as Dawn the adoption agent put it, they "made the selfless decision to let go," these words will ring hollow in a few years.

    They will learn, as all birth parents learn eventually, that the pain of losing a child does not go away. Yes their adoring fans--and those who benefit from adoption--can call them heroes, but the truth is Catelynn and Tyler aren't there for their baby. She is dependent on the kindness of strangers.

    Certainly the publicity they've received -- Tyler has almost rock star status -- helps compensate for their loss. Too soon, the fame will fade and they will be left with a charm bracelet and "what ifs" for the rest of their life.

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  51. This is sad... so much ignorance... In a month where people are supposed to be learning about adoption and foster care, they are busy buying, selling, defending sellers and buyers - of HUMAN BEINGS....

    To the adoptees that claim they are okay - if you are so damn fine with it, what are you doing reading here?

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  52. I guess abortion is the option or maybe we
    should advocate pregnant teen suicide. Does anyone here understand that a minimum wage job barely covers bills much less anything else! I say all of you wonderful kind and educated people actually lobby for adoption reform instead of knocking down two people who made a decision and stuck by it. The strip clubs and bars are filled with single moms just trying to get by. Obviously no decision is easy how can it beI so easy to spew vile scum at two young adults who are trying to change their destiny. Catelyn said she very likely wouldn't have finished school much less went to college would you have happily supported her via food stamps or cash assistance would anyone have stepped up and babysat while they worked or attended school? You don't like what decision the kids make..HELP a teen choose different ...you are working against your own interests by condemning them. Do any of you fine upstanding citizens offer free child care to a teen parent I doubt it! Does anyone go to the free clinics and LISTEN to the scared girls/ couples probably not. Its easy for you to judge people for taking responsibility for their actions and trying to not let that ruin their lives(like some of you) . I challenge you to make a positive change in the world... I wake $20 you wont even try. Try to have a good life Im sure someone loves you so go hug them!!!

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  53. I'd be pretty defensive too if someone constantly wrote about my life and misrepresented it because of what they saw on a TV show. Jane has consistently acted like she was an expert in Tyler and Catelynn's lives because of what she's seen on TV. If I were Tyler, I'd be pretty angry too. I gave up a baby at 15 after a brutal rape and my home life was a lot like Tyler and Catelynn's. I don't regret not subjecting my child to the kind of life I had. Why can't everyone decide their own narratives to their own stories without ya'll jumping down everyone's throats because it doesn't match your own experience?

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  54. Tyler, I imagine that it must be hard to have any part of your very personal journey in the public arena. It means that your portrayal as a loving, brave, and sacrificing parent will be challenged by people with different views and experiences.

    Sadly, it also means that your education about the potential consequences of your choices will be public, too. If you were promised openness and support, I hope the promises were sincere and that you find what you need to sustain you in the difficult years ahead.

    Adoption is promoted in our culture as being in the best interests of the child. You made an adoption plan because you "did all the research" and became convinced that your daughter is better off with adoptive parents. This IS about Carly, right?

    Since she had no voice, no say at all in this arrangement, I am curious to hear what you learned in your research about the real life experiences of adopted persons who CAN speak for themselves.

    How many adoptees did you speak with personally, read about, and hear about? How many adoptee-focused studies and reports did you analyse before feeling qualified to make this choice for another human being?

    At this point, Tyler, it really does not matter. Does it? The deed is done. In truth, only time will tell if you have done right by your daughter and the people who love her.

    For now, I am inclined to agree with Lorraine. You have been snookered. Further, I think the harm you are doing to yourself and others by promoting adoption is myopic, narrow-minded, self-serving... and dangerous.

    I hope you will consider this bigger picture, Tyler. Question everything, and do not be misled by people who will pursue their own agendas at your expense.

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  55. I'm sorry Tyler - you may have made an "adoption plan" but that "plan" included you giving up / surrendering / terminating your rights to your daughter, and your daughters legal rights to her biological family and lineage. "Give up" is the perfect description because it is real.

    What I am completely against is the fact that you, her mother, her adoptive parents, and the agency you worked with - have ALL denied your daughter the right to own HER story. She is the one who will have to live with every tom, dick, and harry, knowing about her life. Why wasn't her privacy your utmost concern? WHY? She was the only one in the adoption who had no choice - and yet it is HER PRIVACY that has been compromised the most - from day one - she will never be allowed to live as just a person - always the adoptee wherever she goes. If you were all so concerned with what was best for her - why didn't what she will deal with throughout her life because you sought publicity factor in?

    As to getting upset over being featured by Lorraine or Jane - YOU chose that. You made that decision - not Lorraine, not Jane, YOU.

    No one should be promoting the creation of adoptees. Adoption should always be the very last option considered. The rammifications are too great to the one adopted. You may not want to hear that, but being adopted is hard. It is hard to understand why you weren't good enough to fight for.

    You are far too early in your journey to understand, but don't dismiss the words of those older and wiser who have gone before you...things haven't changed that much...as far as I know grief is grief and there is no cure.

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  56. @Athena:

    Did Tyler and Caitlyn not have their lives documented on NATIONAL television? How can you say none of us know the story when we all witnessed first hand what happened?

    As a mother who was duped out of her own child with a fraudulent open adoption that was slammed shut after just a few years, watching this was gut wrenching and triggering, to say the least. To say that we as mothers who have been thorough something so similar, abet not on a national stage, have no right to comment on this when we KNOW how they were manipulated by Bethany "christian" Services is way off base. I lived it. I know. Believe me. I also know what is down the very long hard road for these kids and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, because like I have said, I lived it. I still live it and I always will. It is a life sentence of ambiguous grief and loss. The losses are too many to write here, but missing out on YOUR child while others gain from your suffering is horrendous.

    Harsh, perhaps, but the truth is not always rainbows and sunshine, as so many TRULY uninformed people will have you believe. If all the people out there who are slamming this blog have lived this nightmare, I could see them putting their two cents in, but they have not. Who are THEY, instead of who are WE, to speak of this?

    Tyler, open your mind. If not now, you will one day and the truth is not going to be pretty...

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  57. i am one of the "infertiles" as one of you so lovingly called it. Thank you. I appreciate being again made fun of and made to feel less of a woman, by another woman. That is very kind of you. it sounds as if the burden of being pregnant, carrying that life and then making any other decision about it was very hard on you. I am sorry you don't suffer my problem. Then you wouldn't be so angry and bitter would you? You wouldn't feel jealous or hurt or wonder what you ever did in your life to never be able to feel a child move inside you or to give a name to or wonder how to take care of. Your life would be so much better if you hadn't gotten pregnant at all wouldn't it? Because all of us "infertiles" want is to snatch that baby away from you and create a family of our own and at least TRY to be happy, all we want is to take away your child and cause you endless pain; is that right? by the way i am a second generation adoptee, my mother was adopted, and had me as a teen, and then i too was adopted, by my grandparents. my mom was adopted in the 60s and me in the 80s after i was a bit older.so i know BOTH sides of the fence..in fact, i can see ALL OF IT; from birth mom's, to adoptee's to the infertile menace with claws preying on other stupid girls who can't keep their legs shut or who were horribly raped. so i don't think ANY OF YOU can see the landscape quite as i can. i would give anything to be given the gift of my own child, and i cannot afford to adopt. so i am stuck. shaking my head at all of you. you all make me very sad.

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  58. Can't we all agree that Tyler and Catelynn made their decision with good intent? And if anything, Carly has more people in this world that love her? Now, get off their backs and let's get on with our lives.

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  59. Yes, perhaps the decision was made with "good intent." Wasn't that the case with most birthparents? But it's what he and Catelynn are so strongly PROMOTING and making money off of...other vulnerable expectant moms are being mislead. I seriously doubt they even realize they're doing it. One day they will...like lambs to the slaughter. And p.s. it's not OUR responsibility to give the "infertiles" a chance at parenthood. NOT MY PROBLEM

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  60. @Sadforyou

    Spare us the sob story, puhleezze.

    The only person who is making you feel "less than a woman" is YOU. You are coming to a first mother blog to wine and cry about your infertility? I suppose that you have not read the blog, as we discuss the gut wrenching pain of losing our children to adoption; not being responsible for the infertility of complete strangers.

    To you and all of the other infertiles of this world, your infertility is NOT OUR PROBLEM, never has been, never will be~ kind of how when we want to know about our children when they are in the hands of adopters and they kick us to the curb. NOT THEIR PROBLEM, right? The double standard is quite sickening.

    It is no one's duty to provide anyone with their infant just because they cannot conceive. I truly believe that most women who adopt have some sick need to punish the natural mothers of the children they covet for their infertility. That has been my experience as a natural mother, anyway and I do not believe I am alone.

    So let me get this straight; we are supposed to take on your infertilty, have compassion and empathy for your sad lot in life of not being able to have your "own" child, but most women who adopt have not one ounce of compassion or empathy for the women who are suffering without their children, while they gained from that suffering? I don't think so.

    By the way, the "gift" of a child? Our children are not "gifts" for anyone. They belong with their mothers and natural families, not strangers who have some delusion of thinking they deserve someone else's child more then their own families.

    Accept your fate in life and deal with it, instead of causing more injustice in this world. There are plenty of things in the world I want that I can't have. I don't expect anyone to give me theirs and never would...

    Yes, very "sad" indeed...

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  61. COMMENTS TO THIS POST ARE CLOSED; Please direct your comments to the latest post, which publishes Tyler's comment in toto and responds to it.

    Tyler of 16 and Pregnant Tells FMF Off!

    ReplyDelete

We welcome comments from all, and appreciate letting us know how you relate to adoption when you leave your first comment.

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